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Goodbyes

Today your family has to let you go. Gigi told me what you did before Thanksgiving. I hope you know that we're all proud of you. And I'm still praying that when it comes time that you'll breathe on your own. I believe in miracles, and I know God can do big things. But if you can't...it's okay. If you don't want to come back...that's okay too. You're going to be missed, James. I understand how big of a pull that better place probably is though. That peace. I also know that sometimes we don't get what we want in life. No matter how hard we pray for it. Maybe we're being selfish with our request? Maybe this decision isn't up to you? I guess I'm just really grateful for the time we did get with you. I wish it had been longer. I know about the struggles, and I know that life wasn't easy for you. But I'll always remember you as the surfer kid who smirked before giving that full blown smile, and had such a silly sense of humor. As the guy who wanted to change his life for the better, and was so close to getting on that path. So whatever happens, rest easy. We love you, and we carry you in our hearts. 

Always. 💕

Wordless Wednesday

James

It was February 2009, and still a bit chilly out, but I was so excited to be back in California that not even the cold could ruin my mood. We were on our way to the beach, but first we were making a stop at one of Beau's cousin's house. I remember walking up to the little house with palm trees in the front yard. We walked up to the front door, and through the screen I could see one gigantic rottweiler just staring us down while giving a low growl. Right behind him was this young thin framed kid, who looked like he had just woken up, reaching over to unlatch the door.

You had a smirk on your face. I will never forget that. Your eyes crinkled when you smiled, and your head was shaved down pretty short which I later learned was basically your staple look. I remember how you laughed, and cracked jokes. The night before had been pretty wild for you, and your brother at this party you were telling us about. You were both just waking up, and once we arrived all three of you started making plans to have the rest of the family meet up for lunch. But first, I had to see the ocean. I had to go stand on that beach. You told me it was a good day for it. We stayed there about thirty minutes, smoking, and talking about your plans. About ours. I had a plastic bottle in my hand, and I remember tapping it on my leg. Everyone was making their way out of the room, and as I started to get up I looked down for a moment. As I looked back up I was face to face with the rottweiler. He started to growl, and there I was half sitting, half standing; frozen. Your brother and Beau had walked into the kitchen, and you were coming back in to grab some papers. I'm sure you saw the panic on my face because this dog was almost the size of a Saint Bernard, and I had no idea what to do other than to stay still. I remember you laughing. I remember scowling at you, as you said "Give him the bottle." Everyone else came back to see what was going on. "He's not going to let you out of the room until you give him the bottle." So, I slowly offered up the bottle, and that giant of yours snatched it from my hand and trotted off. And then you smirked.

It was February 2012, and it was cold in Texas. I had just gotten home from work, and Beau had told me that his cousin was coming over. He had been there a few months already to "get his shit together", but now he was off to better things. He was going home. But he needed to stay the night. I can't remember what time he came in, and truth be told I was so damn tired with classes and work that I really didn't care. It was Thursday, and I just wanted to make it through Friday without falling asleep at my desk. So I was a little agitated when Beau asked if I didn't mind waking up earlier (than originally planned) to take his cousin into town so he could grab a few things before catching a bus ride out of town. Saying goodbye to that extra hour of sleep, I agreed.

You were up before I was. Excited to be going home. We had a 25 minute drive ahead of us, and I'm sure the fact that I wasn't a morning person became very apparent, very quickly. I don't think I was rude; just tired. I felt like I was moving in slow motion. After getting dressed, we bundled up, and you said your goodbyes to Beau. Then we were off. I asked you why you were leaving so soon? Was Texas really that bad? "It's not home," you said. "And what exactly is home?" I countered. "My family, the beach, the salty air! Don't you remember it?" you asked me. "Well of course I do, but sometimes going home isn't always in the cards. Sometimes we can't go back until we've learned what we need to from being where we currently are in life." I explained. You laughed at me, crinkled eyes, and simply said, "Home is home. You always find your way back." So I asked you what you would be doing? You explained your plans, and what you hoped would happen when you got there. You told me to pull into Starbucks, and you bought me a coffee. We sat there in line and I kept asking you questions. Where would you go? What's the first thing you'd do? Do you remember what you told me? You said, "When I get back I'm going to get on my board, and paddle out. I miss surfing! I miss the beach. You have nowhere to surf here; Texas should really fix that." I laughed and rolled my eyes as you asked, "How can you stand being so far way from the ocean?" Looking over I simply stated "I grew up here, I'm used to it. Oceanside spoiled me though. I do miss the beach."  You smiled and shook your head before continuing, "Well, anyway, I'm going to sit on my board as the waves lap under me. And I'm going to enjoy the ride." We continued talking about small things, and as I dropped you off at your Aunt's house I gave you this awkward side hug. You told me that you'd see us the next time we came out to visit. And I told you that it would probably be you coming back to visit us first. "Maybe," you replied as you closed the car door. I rolled down the window, "Hey! Take care of yourself, okay?" I called out. You turned around, and waved. And then you smirked.

It's November 2016. It's chilly, but unusually warm for this time of year. We got the news on Thanksgiving morning. It wasn't good. But we prayed, and that request branched out to others as well. There was hope, and every single moment that my mind was not focused on something else it was praying for him. I prayed as I drove, and right before bed. I prayed when I woke up, and as I got dressed. On Saturday we were told that things looked better, and we all sat in Gigi's kitchen crying, hugging, and thanking God. There was this sigh of relief, and it's as if we didn't realize we had been holding our breath. We prayed some more. We had hope. We smiled, and we clung to that progress so tightly that our fingers would have turned white had it actually been a physical rope. But then Sunday morning greeted us, and you had gotten worse. 

I am so mad at you, kid. "Wake up, damn it." You never came for that visit. We didn't get a chance to go see you. "Wake up." A lot of people are hurting right now, do you see it? Do you see how loved you are? How much you are wanted? You were supposed to beat this. Grow old, meet that soulmate I know is out there for you, and have a bunch of kids. Okay maybe just two? "Wake up." You were supposed to be there when we finally get a chance to go back to that beach. Your beach. My beach. And I needed you to let me borrow a surfboard, to help me paddle out, so I could have that "eye opening" epiphany I know is waiting for me out there on those waves. "You have to wake up." You are kind, funny, caring, and loyal. That is apparent in all of the ways that you treat your friends and family. You are also set in your ways, and so damn stubborn. You made mistakes, I get it. And you slipped into a life that we all would rather you didn't. But we all have our faults, and every one of us has issues. Don't you see that? "Wake up, wake up." Today is your birthday. You're now twenty seven years old, and this is not how it should be spent. There should be drinks, and dinner. A party, and gifts. You should be visiting your mom, and thanking her for giving you life because she's a champ for going through childbirth without wine. Today is your day, kid. "Move." I didn't get a chance to really get to know you. But the handful of times that we spoke I knew you were a great person right off the bat. Do you remember the times you spent at our house, the rundown little shack, and how you'd bring us left over food from the steakhouse? The coffee you bought me when you knew I had been up for a long stretch? Your love for animals, and how kind you are to them. I mean, Sampson loved you when you came over. And the way you held Emery when she was little, and made the peek-a-boo faces with her. Yea...I caught that. These were all the things you did because you are good. Cracks and all. And a lot of people need to see that. You have your whole life ahead of you, and I need you to take it. "Please...wake up..."

Whatever happens, I will always remember this smile. That smirk. The way your eyes light up, crinkle up, and that laugh. I'm still praying for a miracle. I'm still holding onto hope, and I am grasping so tight because I don't want to let go just yet. All of this emotion from someone who only met you a few times is probably weird, huh? But you're Beau's family, and that makes you my family. His loss, and their loss is also my own. We always asked about you, and hoped that one day something would click. I looked forward to hearing that you were doing well. I found out from Gigi that things were turning around for you, and maybe that's why this reality is so hard to accept right now? You are such a light, James. For so many, and it sucks that you might not even know it. I know Beau doesn't say much or show much emotion when around everyone, but trust me when I say that inside the privacy of our home he let it out. The anger, the sadness, the hurt, and the loss was all there. We are all feeling it. I hope you know how loved you are though. How much your absence would/will be felt. But most of all I wish you peace in whatever comes. Until we meet again...💚

*The picture above was taken by his mom. Credit goes to her.

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Family Television - When Calls The Heart

About: "When Calls the Heart tells the captivating story of Elizabeth Thatcher, a young teacher accustomed to her high society life, who receives her first classroom assignment in Coal Valley, a small coalmining town where life is simple, but often fraught with challenges. Abigail Stanton, a wife and mother whose husband, the foreman of the mine, along with a dozen other miners, has just been killed in an explosion. The newly widowed women find their faith is tested when they must go to work in the mines to keep a roof over their heads. Elizabeth charms most everyone in Coal Valley, except Constable Jack Thornton who believes Thatcher’s wealthy father has doomed the lawman’s career by insisting he be assigned in town to protect the shipping magnate’s daughter. Living in a turn of the century coal town, Elizabeth will have to learn the ways of the frontier if she wishes to thrive in the rural west on her own. The series is inspired by Janette Oke’s bestselling book series about the Canadian West."

Back in June my mother dropped off some fruit, a pair of shoes for Em, and two DVD's. Don't ask me how I remember that, I just do. She said that they were in the $5 bin at Walmart, and thought I might like them. I gave them a look, skimmed the back, and then placed them on the shelf with our other movies. I went about my day, and there they sat until two weeks ago. Em had asked if she could stay the night with my parents, I had already caught up with the household chores, and I decided that I wanted to watch a movie. Unfortunately, nothing I looked into seemed appealing. So I went to our movie collection, and saw those two DVD's still wrapped in plastic. I placed the first one in, and it had me hooked from the first scene. 

This is another Hallmark series, and it stars Erin Krakow (fun fact: she had a small role in Army Wives too). As you read above the story is mainly about a young school teacher that moves out west to pursue her dream of teaching. She comes from a wealthy family, but sets out to prove that she can handle herself. The town has just faced a huge tragedy, and also received a new "mountie" when Elizabeth arrives. And even though she hits it off with most of the town, she struggles in certain areas to really find her place within the community. Now, I am a sucker for movies that deal with "the frontier". This series takes place in the 1900's I believe (I can't remember if they stamp the date in it or not). There's something so romantic about this time that I always love to read about, or see portrayed. The dresses, the simple way of life, and how it was proper to "court". I'm grateful for the advances we've made, and I know it wasn't all rainbows back then. But there's something to be said for the people who went out to settled uncharted/untouched territories. Those times were hard, life was rough, and people still made the best of it.

This particular series is definitely faith based. Religion, God, and prayer are in every single episode. I'm Catholic so this didn't bother me at all. The show touches on several different subjects, and it brings out some valuable lessons. They have episodes with various themes regarding the importance of school, of being honest, and compassion for others. What I thought was pretty unique was how they also focus on the strength of women and girls. There is a bit of kissing, similar to what's in Good Witch, but that's about it. It's very modest, and I had no issue allowing Em to watch it. In fact, I was glad that she enjoyed it. After watching the first DVD I found out that Netflix actually streams it so we switched over and finished season one and two. After we were done I did some research, and found out that season three had already finished airing stateside. Season four was scheduled with a Christmas Day premiere. Since we couldn't wait I went out, and bought season three at **Walmart. We finished that one in a single weekend. 

If you enjoy period pieces I definitely suggest you give this one a shot. If you like having strong female lead characters this definitely has it. If you enjoy, or don't mind talk of God then I'm sure you'll enjoy it. I've gotten really excited about this show. They have a Christmas movie coming out, and I can't wait to see it. I also really love the actors chemistry, and the message that they are trying to send. And just like with Good Witch you don't have to worry about language, nudity or sexual content. It's an all around good, clean, family show. And this concludes the Family Television series. For now. I'm sure as we go along I'll add some other gems that we find. Have a wonderful Thanksgiving everyone! 

**I know I mention Walmart a lot, but this is not an ad nor do I get compensated for mentioning them. I just live in a SMALL town, and our local entertainment store (Hastings) recently shut down so we are out of options for our entertainment needs.

Family Television - Good Witch

About: "Cassie Nightingale, Middleton’s favorite enchantress, and her young-teenage daughter Grace, who shares that same special intuition as her mom, welcome Dr. Sam Radford and his son to town. When the New York transplants move in next to the Grey House, they are immediately spellbound by the mother-daughter duo next door, but Sam and Cassie quickly find they may not see eye to eye.  With her signature charm, Cassie attempts to bring everyone together, ensuring all of Middleton is in for new changes, big surprises and, of course, a little bit of magic!"

I came across Good Witch over on Netflix. It's a Hallmark original series that stars Catherine Bell who I loved watching in Army Wives over on Lifetime. I decided to give it a try not really expecting much. The series originated from a movie, and it's sequels that were started back in 2008. I jumped right in without watching the movies, and I had no issues following along with what was going on so don't think you have to watch the movies first (or at all). What I really loved about this series is that it was really clean. A bit of kissing sprinkled in, but nothing over the top. It follows the life of a widow, and her family in a really breathtaking little town.

Now based on the title I assumed there would be some Hocus Pocus, making objects move, and casting spells type of magic going on. But as I got into the second episode, I realized that it wasn't that kind of witch this series would be portraying. The show sends some really good messages about family, and kindness. It also shows a different way of life, or an alternative practice if you will. I had no issues with letting Em hear, and see what was going on the entire time. She and I both enjoyed watching the whole series in one day too. We had some pretty good conversations about lying, and the importance of doing what is right. Mind you my daughter is six, but she's a huge movie/show buff when she finds one that she really enjoys. Some kids might find it boring, but it's definitely a show that grown ups can watch without having to worry about language, nudity, or sexual content.

Overall I really enjoyed this show. I can only speak for season one because that's all that Netflix has up at the moment. I have researched that Hallmark has aired all of season two, and season three will premiere early 2017. I'm hoping that the second season will be available to stream in December, but if I decide I can't wait that long I know that it's at Walmart for about $15. Once the "What's Coming In December" Netflix list comes out I'll make my decision. I definitely recommend you guys check it out though.

Family Television - Habits

My child is pretty big on being outside. She's always wanting to run around, and play in the dirt. I'm actually really grateful for this because it keeps her active. I've also heard that it helps with her imagination. However, now that the time change has kicked over it's getting dark out by 6 pm here which is around the time I usually get home. So we've switch over to board games, play time in her room, or a bit more screen time. She usually opts for the extra screen time. Which is great when I'm trying to get things cleaned up, dinner started, and planning for the next day. Yea, I'm guilty of using the TV as a babysitter. But have you ever sat down, watched a "family" TV show, and really dissected what was being presented? I'm all for Game of Thrones, Supergirl, Big Bang Theory, Chicago PD & Fire, Broad City and even some kids show on Disney to name a few. Obviously some of those listed are NOT for kids, and of course we don't let her watch them. What I didn't really notice until about a year ago was how much is presented in these shows. Some are supposed to be family friendly, and on family friendly networks. It seems as the years go by the standards, and what's acceptable seem to slowly blur. Even some of Em's favorite kid channel shows/movies have caused me to do double takes. And it's not always because of sexual content. Sometimes it's the attitude, the lack of respect towards adults, and the name calling that catches my attention. Which has caused me to sit down, and really look at what's being shown to my daughter. 

If you have young children I'm sure you've heard about Caillou. If you haven't yet: run. Run as far away as you can. This was a show that my daughter watched when she was about three, and if you've ever seen it you'll notice just how whiny that little boy can be. I think we had to deal with a few too many tantrums because of that show. Once we stopped allowing her to watch it she had less of them. Then we moved on to some older shows on Disney & Nickelodeon once she turned five. Now there are times when we'll let her sit, and watch some of the shows we enjoy. She really likes Supergirl and Big Bang, but even those straddle a line. More often than not we have to tell her to cover her eyes, inform her that what's going on isn't real, or that what's being said isn't something to repeat. We've also had to address the two mom, and two dad family dynamics. And this was over on ABC Family (before it was switched to Freeform) as well as on Disney.  We've had to talk about two men kissing, and two women kissing. I had to have a sit down a few months ago about how we don't call people idiots, dumb, stupid, or retarded. Our family (parenting choice) in regards to words is really pretty loose. She's heard some things come out of my mouth as well as her father's, and we don't punish her for repeating some things. We do however discipline if she's using them, and even some that aren't considered "bad words" in a hateful way. To cause harm or to insult someone. That's not tolerated in our household. Also, have any of you noticed how much the word "sex" as well as the actual act get thrown into these shows as well? Whether it's fully in your face, or just subtly hinted. Right now she hasn't asked about what it means or what is being talked about, but I know it'll happen sooner rather than later. And she's only six. So because of this I started looking into shows that were "clean", and truly family friendly. What was a bit astonishing to me is just how little there are.

Some of the stuff out there I know we can't avoid. And I'm not trying to be a helicopter parent that keeps my child extremely sheltered. A lot of the conversations that some of these shows started were ones that we had fully planned on addressing anyway. I just didn't think we'd be doing it this soon. So now I'm a bit more mindful of what she's watching, and what they're talking about. I've looked into some websites that have suggestions for family shows. I've found that Common Sense Media is actually a pretty helpful tool for this. I'm now really big on watching the ratings when TV shows start (left hand corner of the screen). On both the Netflix, and Hulu accounts she has the children settings active on her tablet. Anything else she has to have permission to watch first, or it's something that we all sit down to watch as a family. I don't want a television show to be teaching my daughter certain things yet. I don't want her to learn something, and not be old enough to really understand it yet. I've actually come across two shows (one thanks to my mom), that we've both become really addicted to. I'll write a bit more on those later. I guess more than anything I just want her innocence to last longer. I make sure to have discussions, and let her know that I'm always available for any questions she might have. This also applies to books, things she hears at school, and basically everything else. But I still want to be able to address some of these topics on my own timeline. Not because it's something that she saw on TV. 

I've actually really started to get into some more faith based or faith incorporated TV series as well as movies. Sometimes, they help me explain certain questions Emery has about our faith. Sometimes they set some pretty good examples in regards to kindness, compassion, and being humble. But I still allow her to watch the normal stuff that she likes. I just pay closer attention these days. So what do you think? Are there any TV show suggestions you have? Movies? Am I trying to shelter too much? Maybe I am overthinking it, but right now this is what works for us. I'm always looking for ideas though. I thought about taking out screen time altogether, but that would apply to me as well. And I'm sooo not ready to give that up just yet. 😄 

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Friday Rambles

Good Morning! As you're reading this I've already been on the road with my dad for about six hours. We headed south today to pick up my grandparents! I have not seen them, in person, in about ten or twelve years. I was a teenager the last time they visited. I grappled with the decision of going to Mexico for a visit back in 2013, but in the end decided against it. For certain areas, times were rough, and still are today. Not only had there been some things happening towards our family, but also to others whose family were from that same area. Sadly, we all decided to put off the trip. Of course life happens, and we all get busy. The next year, turned into the next, and before we knew it 2016 was knocking at the door. So at the beginning of this year they decided it would be better for them to come here. The paperwork was filed and approved, and we are now on our way to go get them. I'm really excited about this because it will be their first time to meet Emery, and to meet my husband. It will also be the first time that they meet my brother's wife too. I can't wait to have them here! So much to talk about, to show them, and to look forward to by having them here. I'm extremely grateful to be coming along for this trip. The crazy part is that it'll be a 24 hour round trip one. So wish us luck!   

On Sunday I'll be going to see one of my favorite rap artists play a show in Dallas. The first time he came around his show was sold out within a few days, and I missed him. When I found out he was going to do a second one I used the little birthday money I had saved up for myself, and bought the tickets. I am so excited about finally getting to have a night out like this. Back in October we were supposed to go see a different artist for my husband's birthday, but as we made our way up there we received a call about a job that would be starting the next day. We weighed the options, and needed the money so we turned back around. It bummed us out because we had everything all planned out for months in advance. The tickets weren't cheap, by my standards, either so it was hard letting them go. All of that said, this should prove to be an interesting weekend with a lot of Redline involved I'm sure. It will be well worth it though. It's been a really long time since I've had a "grown up" night out. I had a conversation with a friend a few days ago about wanting to start having more experiences, and I plan on doing just that. This will go down as my first one. 

Today Emery gets out for Thanksgiving break. We don't have much planned, but she's been talking a lot lately about vacations. She talks about Paris, and about New York. She asks about getting to visit Georgia again, and maybe California. But realistically we can't afford to go anywhere. We'll be spending Thanksgiving here at home just like we do every other holiday/break. The reality of our situation is that by the end of a week we have about $50. Maybe $100 if we're really lucky. And recently the company I work for took away our overtime so that has affected us a lot too. It's one of the many reasons why we have been struggling so much. Put in my husband's lack of steady work now that winter is kicking in, and you can see just how tight we get strapped. I want to change this though. I know I've talked about it several times, but going into 2017 I want to have a good plan in place. A way to really move forward in order to start experiencing more. I don't want to work my life away. I want to live, and fucking enjoy it. You know? So that's something that we've been discussing lately, and has been on my mind a lot.

That about covers things for this week. I'm praying that our trip goes smoothly with minimal hiccups. With next week being Thanksgiving, and a time for family I wanted to write a bit about our television habits. We actually have family that comes down, and of course the TV is usually on 24/7. So I wanted to share a bit about the precautions we take, and some shows we enjoy as a family. I hope everyone is having a wonderful November so far. Any plans or goals coming to mind as we start to wind down this year? Can you believe it's already November? Man it feels like the time flew extra fast this year. Until the next post, I hope you have a wonderful day! 

Wordless Wednesday

A Walk Home

On the last weekend of October we spent some time out at our "old house". The one in a tiny sleepy town that seems so untouched by change. The house that I grew up in. The house that Emery spent a good three years in. We spent some time in those old rooms that held onto so many memories. We sat on the porch listening to the breeze rustle the leaves on the trees. We saw some of the people we used to call neighbors. And we took a walk down those old dirt roads. 

Emery sometimes asks why we can't go back there. Why we can't live out in that house with the great big yard so she can freely run around in her undies. Kids. She asks why we can't move back to that town where it's quiet, and there are no cars passing by at all hours. Not that the town we currently live in is a major city, or anything (our population is a little over 3,600). But there's a noticeable difference. I remember the first time I moved to a big city and how I felt this huge sense of awe, excitement, and wonder about it. You probably could have seen stars in my eyes as I walked around the whole time I lived there. I was so proud to finally be a city girl, and I was sure that the move would catapult me into this fast paced lifestyle that I so desperately craved. I look back on that time with gratitude because I did grow. But I laugh too because I spent a lot of my free time out in the "country" while I was there because the quiet was what comforted me. I imagine my little sometimes feels similar to that. Experiencing the excitement of having neighbors, and kids that run around the streets. Having the park only a few blocks away, and street lights on every corner. Yet the longing for the peacefulness, the darkness, and the calm that comes from a small town that has your closest neighbors miles down the road.

That house, and that town holds so much of my heart. When I think of home I normally think of where I live now. Our living room, the community, my great big bed, our dogs, and the memories here. But an image of that place always comes to mind too. How I grew up there, had a lot of my firsts there, and how Emery was lucky enough to call that place her home too for awhile. Her imagination was nurtured there, and her love of being outdoors started there as well. It's a place that we both have to hold on to. So that weekend of being back stirred up so much. It made me smile from ear to ear, and I watched blissfully as she sat in a lawn chair while reading a book. We went for a walk around our old running trail, and balanced ourselves on the railroad tracks. There was a lot of laughing, and when the time came for us to head back we were content with the little time that we had both gotten to spend at home.

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Election

Politically, 2016 has been...interesting? Difficult? Embarrassing? Progressive? Disgusting? Uncomfortable? Historic? A shit storm? All of the above maybe? I dunno. I normally don't speak about my political views. It just causes a huge issue between people, and it's a headache I do my best to avoid. Same thing goes for racial issues at times. Amongst my family, and close friends I'm usually okay with going into discussions about my opinions because regardless of what my stance is I know that they love me. We can agree, disagree, and even if we don't have the same views we are respectful of each other. I enjoy that. But when you vocalize something to the masses, especially over social media, it seems that people take things extremely personal. 

I get that a lot of bloggers, online personalities, and celebrities constantly share their lives with us. They put themselves front and center for the most part so whatever reaction is brought out from the viewers/readers is on them. This past week though...I was so disappointed. I felt embarrassed for Americans as a whole. There was so much hate, y'all. Name calling, finger pointing, and down right mean things being slung back and forth. BY PEOPLE ON ALL SIDES. I had already started a social media cleanse a few weeks before, but this week's election made me not want to ever get back on. It was a bit disheartening to be honest. And I felt that our society was showing the world just how ugly we could be towards each other. How nasty, cruel, and low we could all stoop.

I've learned to be able to read, or follow along without taking things personally. I read several blogs with authors that support abortion, and those that don't. I follow along with people who are part of or support the LGBT community as well as those who don't/aren't. I know Republicans, Democrats, and Libertarians. I respect different beliefs as long as they aren't hurting anyone, and even when they don't align with my own. That's not to say that I don't get passionate about things, or strongly feel that something is either right or wrong. But I don't shove it down someone's throat, and I don't call people ignorant, uneducated, or dumb just because we are at a disagreement. That's just silly, and reveals just how low the person hurling the insults can go. Which is sad really. I think that people need to take a step back, and really focus on tolerance. But true tolerance. Not this half-assed "You need to be tolerant, but only about the things that I view as right/true because if you believe otherwise then it's wrong and you're stupid." Being able to listen to someone, try to understand a bit of where they are coming from, and then to simply say "Agree to disagree" if it's different from your own views is a beautiful thing. I feel that it shows maturity, and open mindedness. Then again I'm sure there's someone out there who thinks I'm stupid for believing this, and is yelling for me to shove my opinions up my own ass because I'm dumb. So there's that. I hope they have a lovely day though! And I'm not trying to say that I'm always this unbiased, tolerant person either. Trust me I have had some choice words of my own when things got heated, and looking back some of those were not proud moments. Some, I would say again in a heartbeat. That's me being flawed, and I get that it's a bit hypocritical.

I guess what I really wanted to express in this post is that my take away from this whole ordeal is that we have a long way to go, on all sides. We aren't perfect, which makes us human, but we ALL have a lot to learn. Sure this was a setback for some, and a leap forward for others. And I get that for some this election felt as if the times were being set back, and for others it meant that traditional values were being held high. I get it. But Presidents come and go. We as a nation will suffer, and we'll progress MANY times during our existence. Wherever you stood on Tuesday just know that this world, this time, is constantly changing. The people in office, the people in our lives, will always be changing. Rules, laws, and positions will always change. Our country, the leaders we have, will set us back and push us forward. But it will always change. Revolve. How we feel today will be so different eight years from now. That's just life. I'm just happy to be in a country that allows us to vote. That has food, water, and jobs that allow me to provide for my family. I'm grateful for the medicine, the hospitals, and the doctors we have access to regardless of whether we have insurance or not. I do (my employer pays), but my family doesn't (Obamacare cost too much) for those that think I'm only saying this because we have insurance. I'm thankful to live in a country that will allow me to express my opinions without fear of being jailed or killed. But most importantly, I'm grateful to be a part of country that will constantly be changing. That even with setbacks there will be lessons and growth. 

There's enough negative, and bad bullshit in this world. I don't want to spread anymore of that. So, if you voted: good for you. If you didn't: maybe next time? If you hate Hillary: that's okay. If you hate Trump: that's okay too. If this election held the outcome you wanted then congratulations. If this wasn't what you had hoped for then learn from this, and kick into action for the next go around. If you're scared just know that everything is going to be okay. If you're excited: I hope that this next leader makes you proud to have voted for him. Celebrate the fact that people with so many different backgrounds, and with so many different beliefs are allowed to reside in one nation. But above all else, be kind to one another. Love each other. We are only here for a short time. 

November

I'm sure that a few of you noticed that there were some posts that popped up out of nowhere for October. Turns out I had completed several posts, but never actually published them. For some reason or another I just hit save instead of publish, and went about my business. So I just went ahead and issued them. My month has come, and gone y'all. I feel like that buzzing energy that basically took over all last month has faded. On Halloween though, it was at full force, and I felt pretty blissful. The day had not started out well, but by the time the moon came out I felt like I was so aware of everything around me. The way the air smelled, and the way the leaves sounded as they crunched underneath our feet. Everything felt crisp, and my thoughts weren't so muddled even as my head felt a bit fuzzy. October has always been special to me in that way. It's always brought me awareness. Awareness of my emotions, and my senses. Like I mentioned before this month usually brings change of some sort. Either a beginning or an ending. It's always been good to me even when I didn't feel like it had been. So, seeing a new month start was a bit of a bummer. But onward we go!

This month will, fingers crossed, be a bit slower paced. It's also going to bring about some visitors, and the little gets a whole week off for Thanksgiving so we're all looking forward to this. On Halloween weekend we attended one of the little's classmate's Halloween party which turned out to be way more fun than I had expected. Normally I shy away from those things because I've never really found a group of mom's that I click with. There was one instance when I did attempt to make an effort, and I was actually left off on my own while the others chatted. Anytime I would make an attempt to speak up, it was either ignored or brushed off with a laugh. So, I got the hint. Last weekend was really different. There was actually someone there that I knew from when I was a teenager so we were able to catch up. The mom's in attendance didn't all have kids at our school either, but they were all so friendly from the minute we walked in. We all sat around in a circle talking about babies, foods, the kids, work, and how everyone was adjusting. I was given some information about our current school, teachers, and policies that I originally had no clue about. Overall, it was really nice, and I enjoyed myself as much as Em did. I'm actually looking forward to the next little get together.

As awful as things were last year the upside was that it had me so stressed that I barely ate. I lost a lot of weight during that time, and I barely even tried. As life slowly became more different, and as I became more steady emotionally my eating habits slowly started to revert to the way they were before. Since March, I've actually gained about 15 lbs. It has been a slow and steady creep that I only noticed after trying on a pair of jeans that I had put away over the summer. Once I realized how much I had gained I observed my eating habits over the past few weeks. What was I eating? When did I eat the most, and why? It wasn't good, and the majority of it was out of boredom. I'd impulse binge too. So, I've decided to start taking some small steps towards changing my diet. Removing something here; adding something there. Fall is right around the corner for Texas, and of course all of the food and pies anyone could dream of come right along with it. It's because of this that I need to go into the holiday season with some self control in my life. But I won't beat myself up over this too bad. The weight loss is achievable I just need to get after it. So November 1st served as my kickoff day.

That's all I have for you guys today. There are some topics I'll cover soon, like who will be visiting. What all I learned while at that Halloween party. We have concert tickets to go see one of my favorite artists. Em's little interview will go up this month too, and I'm hoping to have some weight progress to report by the end of it all. So here's to November! I hope everyone is having a wonderful start to the month!  

A Book Review- Sweet Thing

Sweet Thing by Renee Carlino
My rating: 4 of 5 stars

4.5 Stars

Okay, I've had time to process. Walking away from this book I was pretty sure that I had loved it. I felt that it deserved five stars, and I was just over the moon. But then I realized something as time had passed. I absolutely hated Mia. I mean, to the point that I had no idea WHY Will would have wanted to be with her in the first place. She was so back and forth that even I had whiplash. BUT for some reason, it was still really appealing to me. Will was the saving grace in my opinion. He was very loving, friendly, animated, and driven. He put himself out there every moment that we see him. He was sure of who he was, what he wanted, and he made no apologies for that. Even when Mia doubted him, or came up with every excuse under the sun for why things had to be different. He still stayed his course. I think that was a very attractive quality that Renee Carlino gave him. And there's a point in this story where Will calls Mia out on the bullshit that I really loved.

(view spoiler)[

“If this is about the money, Mia, then I don’t know you at all. You said you were worried about me getting big and forgetting about you; now you’re yelling at me for turning down the deal?”

(hide spoiler)]

I was high fiving him in that moment. While mentally yelling "That's right Will, you tell her!" Because seriously, by that point it was about time that he did. That being said I was able to see a certain viewpoint that Mia had, where she wanted someone who had goals, who was stable, and could provide. Someone who understood that passions didn't always foot the bills. What I didn't get, however, was how she easily dismissed what someone else viewed as their end goal just because it didn't align with hers. Suit and ties didn't mean everything. And most importantly, practicality doesn't equal happiness or love. Just because it didn't fit in her little box, didn't mean that it wasn't worth exploring either. So, I pushed through each chapter mainly because I really enjoyed Will, but also because I knew that this author (though it was my first book of hers to read) had to have something MORE in store for us.

And I was right! There's a turning point in this story. You'll know when you get there too. And I knew that this was the MORE I had been waiting for. There's growth, maturity, and apologies. There's recognition, and acceptance.

(view spoiler)[

"After she left, my mind wandered aimlessly as I scrubbed away at the dishes. I felt a sense of peace and satisfaction. I was finally able to own the mistakes I made and although I missed Will like crazy, I was happy at the idea of him being happy, playing his music in a dive somewhere, listening to the sound of his soul."

(hide spoiler)]

And that's what I wanted to read about. It made my opinion of Mia soften. It made me actually like her character in the end. I flew through those final chapters really content with how the story was unfolding.

Now even though this story is mainly about Mia, and about Will, their separate journeys as well as the one they started out on together, Renee interwove some pretty amazing side characters as well. Jenny was very straightforward and I loved it. Her relationship with Tyler was cute, and fast but it fit. Martha was a pretty wise woman who was there for Mia when she really needed some steady advice. Though she didn't always listen I was pleased that someone was there telling her all along what was right in front of her. Mia's parents are also really present in this story without actually being in it the whole time. The main reason she finds herself in New York is due to her father's passing. But the love story between her mother and father, as well as the very different lives they lived once apart were main reasons for Mia's outlook on life and relationships. Music is also a big part of this story. Both Will and Mia are musically talented, and it's a constant theme throughout the book. The Cafe, the apartment, the venues. It's all beautifully intertwined, and made for a great read I could hardly bring myself to put down.

Overall I give this book an A-. I'd definitely recommend it, and I'm excited to read more of Renee Carlino's books.

Kim & Carlos

Last year my brother got married. I had started to write about it, but for some reason I have about three pages worth that I never published. It was a beautiful ceremony, and I'll probably get around to posting the pictures one day. For now, I'd like to just keep them to myself for a bit. Anyway, he and my sister-in-law had been together for ten years so the wedding had been in the works for awhile. And then that August they made the move to Nacogdoches. So this marks two years that we haven't been together to celebrate our birthdays. And when I say "WE" I mean ALL of us. We all have birthdays within seven days of each other. 

So, Happy Birthday to my lovely sister-in-law Kim (Oct. 24th), and Happy Birthday to my baby brother Carlos (Oct. 25th). When I called him to sing "Happy Birthday" his response was "You know I'm 27 right? Not sure little applies anymore." And my reply was "Well, you'll always be younger than me so the title stays." Then he made some smart ass comment about how old I was getting, and he's lucky he wasn't here in person or there would have been a purple nurple being given. Little shit. But I love them. I'm sad we aren't all close by like we used to be. It was tradition that we'd all get together for dinner with our parents, and spend it talking over good food and a ton of laughs. I miss it. I miss them. BUT I am super proud of everything they are taking on, and achieving. I'm blessed to be able to communicate with them regularly, and to see them in person from time to time. And I am so grateful for the year we were all given. So to you guys: I love you so much! And I wish you many more years ahead. See y'all for Thanksgiving! 

Twenty-Nine

On the 21st I turned twenty nine. I'm still a little devastated that this is my last year in my twenties. How the fuck did that happen?? I have no idea why it's bothering me so much though. A lot of people that I've spoken to say that the 30's is the new 20's. I hear that a lot of growth, and maturity hits around/after one turns thirty. It's like turning a new leaf, and understanding yourself at another level. When put like that it doesn't sound so bad. In fact, I could use some of that maturity now. Ultimately, I guess what scares me the most is being thirty years old, and not feeling different. Not feeling a sense of accomplishment. Not being able to truly grasp what I want in my life. Feeling just as confused, and directionless as I did at seventeen; at twenty-five. Being stuck. That is what I fear most.

Since there's nothing I can do to stop/pause time I guess I shouldn't dwell on the things I have no control over. I should embrace this year. I should reach as many goals as I can, and burn through any obstacles that try to get in my way. Twenty-nine should be limitless, and it should be eye opening. By the time next October rolls around I should be ready to let my 20's go out with a bang! And that's exactly what I am hoping for today. I'm hoping to be able to reach thirty. I'm hoping to smash the goals I have in place. I'm hoping to advance either in this career, or maybe if the time is right to embark on a new one. I hope to start seeing the fractured parts of my life finally start to heal and move forward. Because we only get to do life once, right?

To You

This has been a rough year. There has been growth. There have been setbacks. There is still so much left to decide on, and I know that we are both so unsure as to how we will fit in each others lives in the future. Whether it's together or separate. Whether we can get through this, or not. Emotions are always changing, but I will always want you to be happy. Despite, or maybe in spite of, everything that has happened you have always been my best friend. I know I have not been the easiest person to get along with, or be married to. I know that we have both screwed up in many ways. Ups, downs, joy, sorrow, and heartache. Man, have we been through it. We've caused it to ourselves in some instances. And in others we held each other through the pain that was being inflicted onto us by others.  I sit here now having no idea whether we'll ever be able to get back on solid ground again. Whether we'll ever fit again. But I do know one thing for certain: I will always LOVE YOU. I wish you well. I wish you years of happiness. I wish for our daughter to load you down with hugs, and kisses on this day every year. I wish for you to feel loved, and wanted. I wish for many, many more years of you in our lives. And I'll take it in whatever capacity the future has in store for us. I wish for you to have good health. For you to smile, and to be at peace. I wish you the world, and all of your dreams. Here's to what's next, here's to you. 

Happy Birthday Love

Overwhelmed; Regrettable Actions

This month is a loaded one. We celebrate so many birthdays within my family, my spouse & mine included. We celebrate a wedding anniversary. And it's the month of Halloween which is a pretty big day for us. It's the end of a season, and the real beginning of winter for us. For me, it has always felt like a time of change, new beginnings, or endings. I feel like a lot of big moments, or weighted decisions tend to happen during this month. It's also a month that caused so much heartache last year. I haven't written much because this month has been a tough one for me to even get through. To the point that I feel like I'm reliving last October all over again. A lot of old feelings resurfaced, and I've actually seen some of the people who were involved with everything that took place before. Sometimes I catch myself feeling as if I'm grieving. As if time has stood still, and I'm right back to that night. To those days. To those weeks. To those months. I've been feeling like I'm steadily slipping back. And little did I know that there was a lot of anger simmering just beneath the surface. 

This past weekend a lot of stuff came to a head. I had been bottling up a lot of things recently. Trying to dismiss feelings, and just shutting everything out. "I'm fine." I would say. "Everything's great!" I'd proclaim. "No, I'm good, things couldn't be better!" I'd tell those that asked. All with a smile plastered across my face. But that only leads to bad things. And the fallout of the things I said, and the way I acted was almost unbearable. I was so embarrassed, and if I had been in my right mind (read: sober) I would have had better control of how I spoke. Of what I let get to me. Of how I chose to treat people. How I chose to treat him. I was appalling, and I regretted the majority of the venom I spewed out. Not because I felt it, but in the way that I let it be known. Verbally and physically. So for the past few days I've been trying to figure out what I need to do. How I need to get back into the right frame of mind. Because this was not it. I am NOT this person. I am so much better than that. I spoke to a counselor, which helped. I got my ass handed to me by the person I spoke to, and it was a nice reality slap that I needed. A lot of questions were thrown at me like: What if my daughter had been there to witness how I acted? What if someone had decided to call the cops on me? What if I had caused some major damage to myself? To others? There was no coming back from that. The consequences would have rippled to others in ways I couldn't possibly imagine. So I created a game plan. A layout for how I needed to tackle the next few days, and weeks to come. I was given some new coping skills to try out. I'll be removing alcohol from the picture. Working on being more communicative with others because holding it in is not healthy. I'll be setting up another appointment with my doctor, and counselor to get me back on some medication until I level out. I feel so humiliated. It's felt like not just a step back, but leaps and bounds backwards. I felt like the biggest failure. I felt like crap. Undeserving of forgiveness for all of the past I drudged up. I felt like complete shit for lack of a better word.

So, this week has been rough. My words, and actions were not okay. But I'm human. We make mistakes. When I was younger my counselors, and doctors would always tell me that these issues could pop up at any moment in my life. They wouldn't define me, but they could cause some serious damage if I didn't put in the work from time to time to keep them in check. If I didn't take care of myself the way I needed too. Last October those sentiments were echoed. "You need to learn how to control your thoughts. And you need to learn how to not let things/people have control over your emotions. Because if you don't, you'll be a ticking time bomb. Over and over again. This will only lead to setbacks. It'll cause you to question your progress. And it could set you right back down that dark path you've worked so hard to get off of." They were all right. This past weekend I learned just how easily I could be set off. How quickly things could escalate, and change again. I was reminded of just how dark I can be. But now, I'm working on it. I'm trying to get myself better. I don't want to be that person. I don't want these episodes to happen again. I don't want the outbursts. I don't want to allow others to control my emotions, or my reactions. I want to be at peace. I want to be calm. I want to be a good person. And I don't want to go through this again. 

*Before anyone, or if they've already started 

thinking in this direction: NO I have never,

nor would I ever, lash out at my daughter.

My reactions apply to adults only. 

Listen

Wordless Wednesday

A Book Review- It Ends With Us

I read this book back at the beginning of August. I figured I'd start at that point, and work my way forward maybe once or twice a month for my posts. If you want to keep up-to-date with what books I read, as I'm reading them, you can find me on GoodReads. :)


It Ends with Us by Colleen Hoover
My rating: 5 of 5 stars

This book was amazing! Forget reading anything about it. Go in blind. You won't regret it. There are very few authors who can really draw me into a story the way Colleen does with hers. It's hard to explain, but it's in the way that you can feel the emotions coming off of the pages. I still have yet to find many other writers who can do this as effectively as she can, and usually within the first few paragraphs. The only other author I can think of is Gayle Forman. But with It Ends with Us I feel like Colleen is setting the bar even higher. She's taking us to a whole other level. And to you Colleen, I just want to say: Thank You.

The story: First let me just say that Colleen gave us a really big part of herself in this book guys. It will stay with you, I promise. I dove into this book without reading the blurb, or any reviews. I saw the cover, read Colleen's name, and clicked buy. Best. Decision. Ever. This story sucked me in within the first page, and I'm still recovering from it now that I'm done. I'm recovering from the choices these characters were faced with as well as the ones that eventually had to be made. I'm recovering from what was brought to light by Colleen with this book. It's a voice, y'all. One that needed to be heard. And that's all I'll say about the story because as I stated before you should definitely walk into this one blind. The epilogue did tie things up nicely for us, and even though it rounds the story out I do hope we get a little bit more of that particular story one day. (Pretty Please?!) Still, if this is all we get then just know that the journey comes full circle.

Now onto the characters: Ryle made me feel butterflies. He exuded confidence, and also made me grieve for what he went through. His character went in a direction that I kept begging for it not to. But I understood why it did. I knew that his story, though it made me a bit uncomfortable, was necessary for the readers to see. I fell in love with him right along with Lily. Lily brought goodness with her character. A little naive at times, but her heart was in the right place. I understood why she felt the way she did, and I commended her for sticking up for herself. But I also felt the love she had. I felt the confusion, the heartbreak, the sorrow, the hesitation, and the joy as if it were my own. And finally, Atlas. The character who is in this book from start to finish, but not necessarily in the way that you would think. Atlas is the boy who turns into a man, and we know that it wasn't the easiest journey for him to end up where he finally did. His presence is felt throughout it all even when he's not in it if that makes any sense? He is just...he is amazing, and I have no idea how Colleen pulled that off? We do get a nice handful of side characters to really round out the story and give it more depth. Allysa and Marshall were adorable, and Lily's mother I knew from the beginning was a strong women despite her actions (or lack of). Now, maybe it's because I've been in similar situations or have known others that went through what some of these characters did that makes it feel more personal, I don't know? But I felt it all. It was relatable, and understandable with just a "hint of fiction" to bring you back when you felt like things were getting "too real".

So, I'm giving this book 5 stars. There was very little, if anything at all, that I didn't like. This was a book I couldn't put down. It was a story that I know all too well, though not exactly in the same way, as it's stated "Every situation is different." However, it's a story that needed to be told. It was a glimpse that needed to be shown of just how gray this world can be for us. We don't know the circumstance of anyone else's story but our own, and because of that we shouldn't always assume that others are better or weaker. It's not always black and white. And ultimately, we have to decide what we want, and what we won't accept from others as well as ourselves.

Listen

Control

I have no idea how I ever let things get as bad as they did. Or have. I've come up with excuses like: "Love", "Duties", "Marriage", "Friendship", and "Anger". I've told myself countless times that they're just words. Sometimes they're necessary. They allow you to become thick skinned. They usually mean nothing to me because the person's opinion, who spews the hurtful words at me, doesn't matter. Doesn't affect me. "No skin off my nose," I say. But sometimes it's a bit jarring when the words come from someone you care about. Someone who you trust with your heart. It can feel a lot like sticking your hands into iced water. Sometimes that hurt causes you to crack. You feel deserving of that treatment. Of those words. Because here stands a person who holds your trust, and they wouldn't be breaking you down like this if it wasn't deserved, would they? And each time it happens, each time something is said, it feels like you're running your heart over splinters.

If you've been here with me for awhile, you know that it's been one hell of a year. You know how devastated I was. How awful I felt about the state of my marriage. You know about what I went through. And I've even given a few examples of the colorful words I had yelled at me repeatedly before. Y'all know. So when I started counseling, and my counselor told me that it was a form of abuse I just brushed it off. "They're just words Drew," I would say when he'd suggest it. My husband didn't mean what he was saying. He was just angry. He was just lashing out. He wasn't himself. Then I wrote this post about taking responsibility for your actions, and how some people would weigh in on the matter by dismissing what he had done (physically) on the grounds that he was not sober. My response was usually along the lines of "Well, now wait, that still doesn't make it okay. Maybe easier to forgive, but not okay." So why in the world was I making excuses for the verbal insults? You see, what I didn't mention then is how that particular treatment never stopped. How even sober those words would still get used. Before the separation, and even after we decided to try working through things. Maybe it wasn't as frequent as before. Maybe there were apologies given afterwards. But it never fully stopped. 

I can sit here, and make excuses until I'm blue in the face. I can sit here, and turn a blind eye like I've always done in the past. I can sit here, and proclaim love as the reason for why I tolerate it. Some would agree that I'm doing the right thing by working through this while others would want to shake me as they simultaneously tell me to run. "Go! Get away. Why would you put up with this?" And the honest to God truth is that I have no idea yet. Subconsciously, somewhere buried really fucking deep, is the answer. But I haven't dug far enough down to figure it out. I have no idea why I allow myself to stay rooted. I have no idea why the thought of ending my marriage left me so paralyzed with fear in the past. Or why I tell myself on the bad days that I'm trying for a reason: to make things work, and that won't happen overnight. I have no idea why I don't stand up for myself, or when I finally feel like I should raise my voice and yell "ENOUGH!" I bite my tongue instead. I bite down so hard in order to keep the words from spilling out, and I just let them sink into my bones. It's not because I wouldn't have a place to go, or a way to provide for myself and my daughter. I have both of those things. It's not because I feel that I deserve the treatment. I don't, and I know it. It's not because I view this as what love should be like. My parents taught me what love is supposed to be like, and it looks nothing like my relationship. So what then?

In my last session, my counselor told me it was a form of addiction. The way other people become addicted to drugs, alcohol, or pornography I've become attached to my spouse in the same way. I do not know how to separate him from me. For some reason my brain has rationalized that this is normal. I don't view it the same as physical abuse when it comes to my situation. That "thick skin" of mine allows me to dismiss what is being said just by rolling my eyes, and shoving it into a mental file box to be dealt with later. When it comes to others though it's a different story. In fact, I would be right there with everyone else telling the person in a similar situation as mine to "RUN. Go! Don't let them tear you apart like this!" But my blinders are on when it comes to myself. However, I've come to realize that my husband uses this behavior as a way to keep some form of power when he feels out of control. He uses this as a way to constantly remind me of my shortcomings so that he's not the only one to blame for things. When he says that I don't try enough, or do enough it's really about him. Not me. When he calls me names, or insults me it's about him needing to reassure himself that I am the problem. I am the person acting a certain way and if I would just stop he wouldn't have to call me names, or yell. Afterall, I should just be grateful that he came back right? Because I'm not enough for anyone else. Because I am difficult. I am boring. Because I don't "get over" things. Those are all the reasons I believe he chooses to look at in order to justify his need for me to be the submissive one. It wasn't until a few weeks ago when I was being called a "BITCH", and being told to "FUCK OFF" out of anger because I wasn't able to come up with a solution to a problem in time that it hit me.

I do not value myself. 

I put everyone else, and their well-being before my own. When it came to my spouse I still viewed him as being more important. I think I've said it before that I tiptoe around him. I try not to set him off for fear that he'll relapse, or that he'll stray again. I watch what I say because I don't want him to be angry. I have this knee jerk reaction to protect him too. I accept blame for things that I shouldn't. I am constantly wanting to make his life easier. I put the responsibility of keeping him content before all. Even before my daughter if I'm being honest. I allow her to hear his insults. I allow her to see me bending over backwards for a man who may not always deserve it. I allow her to see his outburst, and my attempts to defuse them. And even though my brain tells me that it's not right. That she shouldn't see this as normal. That I don't want that for her. I stay with my feet planted in that house. Oh, how it drives me up the wall that I allow this! That I easily dismiss this kind of behavior because it doesn't happen often. I'm ashamed of that. I'm so angry with myself for feeling defenseless when I know damn well I have power. I can have control too. I could finally speak up, and say "THAT'S ENOUGH!" I could put my foot down, and tell him to start playing by the rules we agreed to in the first place, or he can get the fuck out. I could walk out that damn door right now with our daughter at my side, and we'd be okay. I could move on from this, and live a good life without him in it. I know all of this. I was on the verge of doing all of this. And yet...I don't. I sit there with my hands in my lap, eyes on the floor, and my tongue between my teeth. I allow it.  

Sometimes Music Helps

The past few weeks I've been waking up 4 out of 5 days with a headache. Yesterday was one of those days. So, I kept hitting the snooze button. Before I knew it the clock read 7 AM, and I realized it was Monday. We had 30 minutes to get ready, and of course my six year old was having none of that. Finally leaving our drive 45 minutes later it was a given that we were going to be late. Thankfully, we made it through the doors of her school with two minutes to spare, and she wasn't counted as tardy. The office lady buzzed us in, and told me not to worry she could go on in. As I headed back out to try and make it to work my car jerked in the parking lot. It's been doing this a lot lately because my transmission is on the fritz. It's only a matter of time before it goes out, but I don't have the money to get it fixed. Anywho, it jerked pretty hard so I turned it off for a few minutes, and then turned it back on. It turned over without issue, and I thanked God for the little gift. Asking if I could just get another month or two before it leaves me on the side of the road because it'll be cooler by then. When I finally made it to work, I loaded up on coffee, and started with my routine. Digging through the papers, compiling separate piles, and filing before my day actually got started. An alert on my phone went off about the bills that were due today, and the anxiety set in. "Here we go," I thought.

On my lunch break I had to make my way to the bank. As I was driving my phone automatically connected to the bluetooth adapter I use to listen to music, or answer calls while driving. Right as I made it into town, this song started playing on it's own, and it's as if the universe knew I needed to hear it. I smiled. I'm talking, ear to ear. I turned the volume up, and I started singing along. And I just had this moment of pure bliss. Uninterrupted, happiness. If there's any artist out there that can make me feel like things aren't so bad, and that it's okay to take deep breaths it would be this guy. All of his work is pretty damn magical in my eyes. My day instantly started to feel better if that makes sense? I felt like anyone could keep piling onto the crap pile, and it still wouldn't phase me. They did; it didn't. My smile was still there. The rest of his (and his other bands) albums played in the background, and I just sat on this cloud. I felt productive. I felt content. I felt like life wasn't all that stressful.

Isn't it amazing how music can do that for you? Obviously, this doesn't work all of the time or with every artist we listen to. But how cool is it to find those gems every once in awhile that really move you? The ones whose lyrics speak to you, and their voice's give you goosebumps. There are a handful of bands, or artists that can turn off the world for me. Brian  Fallon is one of them. And on the days I've really needed it music has helped. It has been a life line. It has been a soundtrack. It can take me back, or allow me to look ahead. And yesterday I was so grateful to have that. To be able to feel that relief. To just smile and enjoy my day. 

Wordless Wednesday

GoodReads

I love books. I remember always riding the bus to and from school with my nose practically glued to one. They were my adventures. They were my escapes. They offered up excitement for a girl growing up in a small town. Some of my first crushes even came out of the pages of my first Sweet Valley High book. Nowadays, we adults call them "book boyfriends". :) Then, when I was in Jr. High I had a wonderful librarian that nurtured that side of me from my very first visit/tour of our school library. She would always recommend new books to me, and allowed me to check out more at a time than was normally allowed. If there was ever a time when I needed to just be alone, to finish up a good book, she allowed me to do so before the doors were officially opened. Recently, this wonderful librarian passed away, and in her obituary there were a few lines that expressed how much she loved that job. Interacting with the kids, and helping them explore the adventure of reading. Looking back I wish I had gone back before she retired and told her just how grateful I was for her generosity. So, that's why I felt like I should write a bit more about my love for books right now. Why I should never stop reading, even if it's just a newspaper or blog posts, and hopefully work on passing this love along to my daughter.

The genres I'm currently interested in are more along the lines of "New Adult", "Romance", and a tad of the good ole' "Erotic" smut. What can I say, I'm a hopeless romantic that likes some kinky shit thrown in every once in awhile? Anyway, one of my favorite authors is Gayle Forman and she's ignited this wanderlust in me that I can't shake. I've always had this want to see other places, and explore other cultures. But her stories are always so well crafted, and set in various countries that she usually leaves me wishing I could buy a plane ticket to whatever country her most recent novel is set in and experience it first hand. Another lovely author that gets me hooked from paragraph one would be Colleen Hoover. Her most recent work was so captivating. It was a book about a pretty important issue, and something I've experienced myself. It wasn't glorified or vilified, but there was such understanding in it that I basically cried like a baby after reading her personal inspiration for the story. Obviously, there are a few other hiddens gems by authors who are less well known in the book world. Likewise there are some that people rave about, and once I finally get a chance to read them I'm left wonder what all the fuss was about? Still, I love to read. I love to explore the different stories that take place within the pages. 

Now, I haven't done a book review on here in awhile. That's not to say I haven't actually written some. My favorite website that has all things book related would be *GoodReads, and I'm usually consistently active on there. I think that's mainly because I'm always reading something, or on the hunt for something else to read. Anyway, if you're not familiar with the website it's actually really great at discovering recommendations based on the books that you've already read or liked. You're also able to join book clubs, or friend other users that have common book interests.  If you want to make it interesting you can even add those that have zero in common in order to broaden your reading material options. Another great feature is that a lot of authors interact with readers through this platform as well. They give reviews, hold Q&A's, and even do giveaways. But what I think I enjoy the most is getting to read reviews before purchasing a book. The flip side to this is that you're also able to leave your own reviews for others to see, update your progress, and rate the book once you're finished.The website just received a new makeover too which offers an easier to navigate live feed, and it's also really tied in with Amazon Kindle. If you're not on the whole Kindle bandwagon don't fret because it offers up other options like Barnes & Noble, and a variety of other book publishing companies. Anywho, if you have an account definitely add me! If you don't, and you're an avid reader you should definitely check it out! 

Recently I discovered a pretty cool feature that allows me to embed the reviews I post there right onto this blog of mine. I know that's been an option since forever, but only recently did I actually look into how it really works. Now that I've gotten it figured out I just might post some of these reviews from time to time. So many plans, I know! I'm currently working on that Q&A with the little, and I've started to draft some more writing prompts from the Trent Shelton quotes so it'll all come along eventually. Fingers crossed. Until the next post! 

*This is not a sponsored post. I just really enjoy GoodReads and thought to pass it along.

Listen

Here's A Post From My Drafts

Today something clicked. Something snapped, almost like a rubber band that's being stretched out too far, and I felt so incredibly naive. I knew that everything going on was because of me, and not in the way that you're probably thinking. Still, I'm at fault for something. Something that has the potential to tip me over.  I'll write about it later. I'll post about it later. But I went through my drafts for some inspiration, or maybe just to read some words that I had started but never published. I came across this post from last month. For some reason or another I didn't hit publish. 

I remember exactly how I felt that day. I recall exactly what happened too. My confusion was at an all time high that day. My emotions were all over the place. I remember the adrenaline pumping through my body. The event that took place, should have been a wake up call for me, but it took only a few hours for me to dismiss it. I can say that once the day had passed I was closer to seeing that "line drawn in the sand" more clearly though. I was pretty close to understanding what I ended up realizing today, but obviously I just wasn't ready to push myself in order to get there. Today however I am so many things all at once. It all came crashing down. It was everything I felt on that day last month, and then some.

Something in my head clicked over today. It's caused me to question so much. It feels like I'm having a lot of thoughts, and emotions shoved inside of me, and then being told to figure out why they were all put there. I need to dissect the feelings that are associated with each of the questions I'm asking myself with an overwhelming amount of truth, and honesty because that's the ONLY way to get anywhere.  But the thoughts aren't in order. It's all really random right now. It's fresh, and raw. Jumbled. How I feel right now may change in the next second. So I can't write about that now. Not until I'm sure. Not until I know. So instead, I'm giving you this. A half finished post about wishing that I had no free will because that would make life easier, and at that very moment easy was what I needed. And today, in a really intense moment of anxiety, I kind of wished for the same.