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Wordless Wednesday

Aunt Linda, I Love You (Part I)

Back at the beginning of 2015 we were given some pretty devastating news about one of my aunts. My mom had called me one morning to tell me that my bright, bubbly, and wild spirited tia had gallbladder cancer. I had been sitting on this for awhile before I briefly wrote about it one day in a jumbled mess, and didn't really touch on it again. But I remember we were all a bit baffled due to the fact that she didn't have a gallbladder. It had been removed sometime before, and yet that's what she was diagnosed with. Stage IV. It was aggressive, rare, and very resistant to treatment. But they had caught it so they would be treating it just as aggressively. My aunt was a fighter, and I just knew that this was not going to keep her down. 

Soon after we received the news my aunt had surgery and started treatment. After a few months, we were granted our miracle: all scans were clear and the cancer was gone. The doctors were confused, and what once seemed like a death sentence was now a full-blown testament of God's work. Miracles really did happen! I was told that they would finish up her treatment to be on the safe side, and then after several months she'd have scans to make sure she was still stable. Y'all, this was the best news I had heard that year. And that year was a rough one. I remember feeling such relief, and happiness. When we saw her that summer I hugged her tightly. MY AUNT KICKED CANCER'S ASS, Y'ALL! 

I think we all believed that the worst part was over. That because of the clear scans, and the steady physical improvements she was making she was in the clear. We all went back to our normal day-to-day. If I had done any research back then I would have been more prepared, I think. I would have known that cancer didn't back down so easily. I would have known that the chances of recurrence were high. I would have known that this was just the beginning of her journey. But I didn't. So, at the beginning of the year when we were told it was back --and had been for awhile-- I was surprised, and honestly a bit shocked. "How the hell did it come back? What are the next steps?" My mom said that she'd start chemo immediately, and asked that we start praying for my aunt daily as the next course of treatment would be really rough. So we prayed. We sent group texts, and words of encouragement. Pictures of sunrises, sunsets, and anything out in nature because my aunt loved being outside. We don't live in the same state, and I feel like this was our way of contributing. Of helping, and being there for her. Some days we'd get long conversations, and pictures in return. Other days she'd let us know she was too tired to keep up with the banter. But she felt good. She felt strong. And that's all that mattered. 

Then we were given some bad news. About three weeks ago, we were told that the chemo was making my aunt really sick. Her cancer had not grown, but it had not shrunk either. However the chemo was not helping, and it was only weakening her body to the point of it not being able to fight off anything. She was dehydrated and rapidly losing weight. By the following week she was being rushed to the hospital, and when they sent her in to have more scans done they informed our family that her cancer had spread. We received the call that following day with the news, and that's when we decided to go visit our family in Georgia while Emery was off on Spring Break. We spent time with aunts and uncles. My daughter was able to spend time with one of her cousins. She ran around in the front yard, and we could hear their giggles through the screen door. I was able to see several of my cousins, and one night we sat out on the porch just talking for a while about our lives. We all laughed and cried. We prayed, and we sat with my aunt each day. I painted her nails one night, and we exchanged stories of when we were all little. I would enter the room every time by announcing, "Aunt Linda! It's you're favorite niece here!" And she would give me her great big smile while softly replying, "Yes, mija, my favorite niece." 

We spent two full days there. On the last day that we went over before hitting the road, everyone gathered around to pray, and sing a few songs with my aunt. We had our own little praise, and worship  session right there in her living room. She wore this huge smile on her face, and she was being sassy towards my uncle which we all loved seeing. She asked me to take some pictures of her with her brothers and sisters, and then asked me to send them to her. I sent them in that same group text, and before I left I gave her a hug and kiss. Emery hugged her and kissed her cheek before saying goodbye. before walking out of the house I sat on the chair next to her, and said, "Okay Aunt Linda, we have to head back to Texas now. I love you so much, and we'll see you when we come back for a visit in May. You better be ready to dance, okay?" She smiled at me, "Okay. I love you too mija. Y'all are coming back in May? I can't wait to see y'all then. Drive safe." I gave her a final kiss, and then we all loaded up in our vehicle to start the long 12-hour drive back home. 

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Wordless Wednesday

Baby Fever & A Lesson in Letting Go

Just a heads up guys: THIS ONE MIGHT GET LONG, JUMBLED, & INTENSE.

So back in the day, before I was in my mid-twenties, I always saw myself as a mom of two. Then I got pregnant with Emery early on and my pregnancy was NOT pleasant. I was sick well into my seventh month, prescribed medication that caused me to gain weight rapidly in the last two, and was warned that I could have complications giving birth. Then I dilated, and after a rough week somehow closed right back up. Trust me, even my doctor was a little baffled by that last one. I was informed that for the sake of my daughter’s life as well as my own the best course of action would be to induce. So we did. Labor was intense, I remember crying about the pain to my mother as she held my hand, and then Emery made her grand entrance three hours sooner than anyone expected. She was and continues to be perfection. A few months after she was born I was sitting in the living room watching the rain fall outside as I rocked her to sleep, and I felt content. My heart was so full, and I remember thinking, “This is good. One can be enough for us.”

Then life started to pass by. My daughter turned two, and I remember telling my mother, “I wish we weren’t struggling so much. I’d love to have another baby soon.” To which she replied, “Then have another baby. Parents always find a way to make it work. To provide.” But I dismissed her suggestion with a wave. I didn’t want to be irresponsible. You see, at the time I kept thinking, "Well when my husband gets a job maybe then we can expand our family." Or "Well, maybe when we get all of his legal stuff taken care of we'll have some room in our finances to support another child." And not only did we struggle financially then, but my marriage was pretty rocky too. At the same time I was also working, and attending school-- both full-time-- so I felt like I was already stretched pretty thin. So, I didn’t think it was fair to bring another child into so much instability, and uncertainty. Then my daughter turned five. By this time I felt like I had waited too long. One excuse had led to another, and I had missed our shot to give my daughter a sibling close to her age. I couldn’t turn back the clock. With my thirties right around the corner, and a marriage that was deteriorating I would have to be okay with my perfect one & only child. “This is okay. One can be enough for me.”

Last year, when I had my yearly exam I asked my doctor for her professional opinion of me going through with a second pregnancy sometime in the future. We talked about my first only pregnancy, and how my body had handled it. “Well, you went through a pretty bumpy pregnancy your first time. It wasn’t too bad, medically, but that was also when you were in your early twenties. There’s a chance that you could have a completely normal, and even pleasant experience the second time. Or it could be a lot worse. Not just for you, but the baby as well. Now, I’m not telling you what you should or shouldn’t do. But if you want another baby, health wise, I would recommend that you do it sooner rather than later. ” Statistically, the longer I wait the more health problems I could encounter. Not to mention our egg supply decreases as we get older, and miscarriages are more common so the chances of conceiving while also carrying to full term drop significantly. But all of that aside, even if I was really considering doing this, how would I even go about it? As I walked out of the doctor's office that day this news, or technically an opinion, just seemed like another sign to me. Another nail.  “Okay. Well. One child it is then.”

One afternoon back at the end of January I was making my way through the Wal-Mart parking lot all frustrated that I had to make yet another stop before heading home. I was grabbing my list from the passenger's seat when I glanced up to my right, and there she was. Pushing a cart with her two little girls in tow, and a newborn in a car-seat. All smiles as she walked hand in hand with her husband. And I almost threw up. This is not my first encounter with her or with one of them, and it won't be my last. But that day when I saw the smiles; the happiness, the baby. I had a wave of jealousy wash over me that was completely unexpected. I’ve never reacted that way before. I grabbed what I needed, and then I quickly headed back outside into the comfort of my car. I took deep breaths. I turned the music up. And then I cried the entire drive home. That day is when I realized that I was still bitter. Still angry. You see, I did a lot of things "right". I got married, and then I had a baby. I went back to school and got my associates degree. I worked my ass off and provided for my family. I know I'm not completely innocent, and I didn’t make things easy. I know I can be a difficult person to get along with. However, I remained loyal through all of the good, and bad. I did what I was supposed to do. What I was brought up to do. And here was this woman, who had had an affair with my husband two years ago, and she was fucking smiling. She had her two little girls, a husband that held her hand as they walked up to the store, and the newest addition all wrapped up in a blue baby blanket. How could someone like her, who had done such a shitty thing, still get her happy ending? Why couldn’t I, who had done what I was supposed to do, have that? Why did she get everything? Why? Why? Why? Looking back, I’m not proud of the feelings that came over me or the thoughts that raced through my mind. I’m also a bit embarrassed that seeing her made me get really emotional. Though I was about to start my cycle so maybe that had something to do with it? That night after all of the tears were shed I remember standing in the shower reassuring myself that life had a plan. There was something else out there. And maybe having a big family just wasn’t in the cards for me. I’d have to start accepting that and move on, or I’d never be able to be happy. Since that day I’ve seen them again a handful of times, and I haven’t reacted the same way. No tears, no jealousy, or hate. I feel like I finally put that part of my story to rest. “It’s not fair, but that’s okay.”

Flash forward to a few weeks ago when a friend of mine had her baby boy, and I could feel the baby fever washing over me as I held him and changed him. My heart burst with so much joy for her. And she told me, “You can do it you know? You CAN have another one if you want.” I brought up all of the excuses from before, and simply stated that “I’ve run out of time.” You see, I spent so long thinking, "Well when my husband gets a job maybe then we can have another baby." Or "Well, maybe when we get all of his legal stuff taken care of we'll have some room financially to be able to afford having another child." Then it was "Well, maybe once we get passed all of this crap and get our marriage back on track we can expand our family." One year went by, and then five. Before I knew it I was thirty years old, and our situation wasn't any better. My dreams of having another baby just kept slipping farther, and farther away. As I sit here typing this up I can say that having to let go of this dream definitely hurts. Unfortunately, there’s nothing I can do about it. And believe me, there was a month not too long ago when I felt the desperation in such a way that I even entertained the idea of getting pregnant again by my soon-to-be ex-husband. It only would have happened with his consent, of course, I’m not THAT psycho, but I never got up the courage to ask him. Then, I even looked into possibly trying IVF or AI as possible alternatives. Now, I can see how the first of those options was kind of a bad idea especially with everything going on right now.  But the other two, after quite a bit of research, was too costly for me to even consider. So, I gave up."It’s time to let go."

Now, there’s no point in dwelling on this anymore than I already have. There's also no point in allowing the negative aspects to take over how I feel. Being a mom to an only child is just as much a blessing as having a house full of little ones. It’s a bit different, but we love no matter what. We soak up the moments, we kiss scraped knees, and we listen to their future plans of becoming princesses, artists, or even Geologists (her tia is so proud). No matter the size, or shape of our families the most important parts are that we love and that we are present. Recently, after a trip to visit family, she asked me if I were ever going to give her a sibling. This isn’t the first time she's asked me this, but this was the first time she shed a few tears at my answer. You see, for Christmas, she asked Santa for a little brother or sister. Then on the night before her birthday, she asked God “Please, can you make mommy pregnant so I can have a baby brother or sister, and we can grow up to be best friends?” And I think, after all of this time, that’s probably what hurts me the most. Not being able to give her that. I have a brother so I know what friendship she's asking for, and in a way, I know what she's missing out on. So, as we walked down the road hand in hand I explained a little bit about why mommy couldn’t have another baby.  Things were complicated, I was getting older, and sometimes families were small. Afterward, she reached up to hug me and said “It’s okay mommy. It’ll just be me, and you having adventures forever and ever.” I wrapped my arms around her, and held her tight. “You’re absolutely right baby.”

And THAT right there IS enough.

*all of the clipart in this post were found by doing a google search

It's Been A Start

Well, the start to this year has been less than stellar. We've had some family health issues come up. A few emergency room visits. We had some vacation plans for this summer, and then we had to cancel some of them. Now, I know the things I bitch and moan about are pretty small compared to a lot of people’s problems out there. I know that there are thousands of people out there facing harder situations. So, today I’m just going to be thankful. I’m going to breathe in and take stock in what I have.

First, I’m thankful for our health. The flu in our area has been brutal this year. I’m thankful for having a job that allows me to provide for my family. Thanks for keeping me around boss man. I’m thankful for “Fifty Shades Freed” because Jamie Dornan, duh. I started out as a fan of the books, and now watching the last installment I feel like we’ve come full circle. I’m thankful for Northland Cable. Without you I wouldn't have been able to binge watch Altered Carbon, or the first season of Parenthood, or Everwood. I’m thankful for HEB curbside pick up. Because of you I don’t have to interact with other humans as much any more and I get extra time at home. I’m thankful for my parents. They have been really awesome, and I feel like I don’t vocalize it as much as I should. I’m thankful for a daughter who was able to celebrate her 8th birthday. I’ll post about that later because it was a rather interesting one. I’m thankful that I was able to be here on this Earth to see her celebrate it. I'll always be grateful for this. I'm thankful for the help that we've received during some of the low times. We've been lucky enough to have some amazing people in our lives. I'm thankful for Daylight Savings Time finally kicking in. The extra hours of sunlight during my day make a huge difference in my productivity. I'm thankful for all of the expereinces i've had so far this year. They teach us lessons that make us who we are. 

Tomorrow I'm sure I'll go back to feeling all kinds of anxiety about what's going on in our lives. I'll return to the chores, and the lists. The regular routine of my everyday life. I'll complain about not having enough time to get everything done because I'm only human. But today. Today I'm sitting on my bed, listening to my daughter giggle as she watches TV, and I'm looking out the window as the sun sets with all of those beautiful colors. I'm sad, but happy. And I have so much to be thankful for that I don't want to waste a lot of energy on bad vibes. I don't want to allow the negative to overshadow all of the good. So, I'm thankful. Truly. For every day. For all of it.