Baby Fever & A Lesson in Letting Go

Just a heads up guys: THIS ONE MIGHT GET LONG, JUMBLED, & INTENSE.

So back in the day, before I was in my mid-twenties, I always saw myself as a mom of two. Then I got pregnant with Emery early on and my pregnancy was NOT pleasant. I was sick well into my seventh month, prescribed medication that caused me to gain weight rapidly in the last two, and was warned that I could have complications giving birth. Then I dilated, and after a rough week somehow closed right back up. Trust me, even my doctor was a little baffled by that last one. I was informed that for the sake of my daughter’s life as well as my own the best course of action would be to induce. So we did. Labor was intense, I remember crying about the pain to my mother as she held my hand, and then Emery made her grand entrance three hours sooner than anyone expected. She was and continues to be perfection. A few months after she was born I was sitting in the living room watching the rain fall outside as I rocked her to sleep, and I felt content. My heart was so full, and I remember thinking, “This is good. One can be enough for us.”

Then life started to pass by. My daughter turned two, and I remember telling my mother, “I wish we weren’t struggling so much. I’d love to have another baby soon.” To which she replied, “Then have another baby. Parents always find a way to make it work. To provide.” But I dismissed her suggestion with a wave. I didn’t want to be irresponsible. You see, at the time I kept thinking, "Well when my husband gets a job maybe then we can expand our family." Or "Well, maybe when we get all of his legal stuff taken care of we'll have some room in our finances to support another child." And not only did we struggle financially then, but my marriage was pretty rocky too. At the same time I was also working, and attending school-- both full-time-- so I felt like I was already stretched pretty thin. So, I didn’t think it was fair to bring another child into so much instability, and uncertainty. Then my daughter turned five. By this time I felt like I had waited too long. One excuse had led to another, and I had missed our shot to give my daughter a sibling close to her age. I couldn’t turn back the clock. With my thirties right around the corner, and a marriage that was deteriorating I would have to be okay with my perfect one & only child. “This is okay. One can be enough for me.”

Last year, when I had my yearly exam I asked my doctor for her professional opinion of me going through with a second pregnancy sometime in the future. We talked about my first only pregnancy, and how my body had handled it. “Well, you went through a pretty bumpy pregnancy your first time. It wasn’t too bad, medically, but that was also when you were in your early twenties. There’s a chance that you could have a completely normal, and even pleasant experience the second time. Or it could be a lot worse. Not just for you, but the baby as well. Now, I’m not telling you what you should or shouldn’t do. But if you want another baby, health wise, I would recommend that you do it sooner rather than later. ” Statistically, the longer I wait the more health problems I could encounter. Not to mention our egg supply decreases as we get older, and miscarriages are more common so the chances of conceiving while also carrying to full term drop significantly. But all of that aside, even if I was really considering doing this, how would I even go about it? As I walked out of the doctor's office that day this news, or technically an opinion, just seemed like another sign to me. Another nail.  “Okay. Well. One child it is then.”

One afternoon back at the end of January I was making my way through the Wal-Mart parking lot all frustrated that I had to make yet another stop before heading home. I was grabbing my list from the passenger's seat when I glanced up to my right, and there she was. Pushing a cart with her two little girls in tow, and a newborn in a car-seat. All smiles as she walked hand in hand with her husband. And I almost threw up. This is not my first encounter with her or with one of them, and it won't be my last. But that day when I saw the smiles; the happiness, the baby. I had a wave of jealousy wash over me that was completely unexpected. I’ve never reacted that way before. I grabbed what I needed, and then I quickly headed back outside into the comfort of my car. I took deep breaths. I turned the music up. And then I cried the entire drive home. That day is when I realized that I was still bitter. Still angry. You see, I did a lot of things "right". I got married, and then I had a baby. I went back to school and got my associates degree. I worked my ass off and provided for my family. I know I'm not completely innocent, and I didn’t make things easy. I know I can be a difficult person to get along with. However, I remained loyal through all of the good, and bad. I did what I was supposed to do. What I was brought up to do. And here was this woman, who had had an affair with my husband two years ago, and she was fucking smiling. She had her two little girls, a husband that held her hand as they walked up to the store, and the newest addition all wrapped up in a blue baby blanket. How could someone like her, who had done such a shitty thing, still get her happy ending? Why couldn’t I, who had done what I was supposed to do, have that? Why did she get everything? Why? Why? Why? Looking back, I’m not proud of the feelings that came over me or the thoughts that raced through my mind. I’m also a bit embarrassed that seeing her made me get really emotional. Though I was about to start my cycle so maybe that had something to do with it? That night after all of the tears were shed I remember standing in the shower reassuring myself that life had a plan. There was something else out there. And maybe having a big family just wasn’t in the cards for me. I’d have to start accepting that and move on, or I’d never be able to be happy. Since that day I’ve seen them again a handful of times, and I haven’t reacted the same way. No tears, no jealousy, or hate. I feel like I finally put that part of my story to rest. “It’s not fair, but that’s okay.”

Flash forward to a few weeks ago when a friend of mine had her baby boy, and I could feel the baby fever washing over me as I held him and changed him. My heart burst with so much joy for her. And she told me, “You can do it you know? You CAN have another one if you want.” I brought up all of the excuses from before, and simply stated that “I’ve run out of time.” You see, I spent so long thinking, "Well when my husband gets a job maybe then we can have another baby." Or "Well, maybe when we get all of his legal stuff taken care of we'll have some room financially to be able to afford having another child." Then it was "Well, maybe once we get passed all of this crap and get our marriage back on track we can expand our family." One year went by, and then five. Before I knew it I was thirty years old, and our situation wasn't any better. My dreams of having another baby just kept slipping farther, and farther away. As I sit here typing this up I can say that having to let go of this dream definitely hurts. Unfortunately, there’s nothing I can do about it. And believe me, there was a month not too long ago when I felt the desperation in such a way that I even entertained the idea of getting pregnant again by my soon-to-be ex-husband. It only would have happened with his consent, of course, I’m not THAT psycho, but I never got up the courage to ask him. Then, I even looked into possibly trying IVF or AI as possible alternatives. Now, I can see how the first of those options was kind of a bad idea especially with everything going on right now.  But the other two, after quite a bit of research, was too costly for me to even consider. So, I gave up."It’s time to let go."

Now, there’s no point in dwelling on this anymore than I already have. There's also no point in allowing the negative aspects to take over how I feel. Being a mom to an only child is just as much a blessing as having a house full of little ones. It’s a bit different, but we love no matter what. We soak up the moments, we kiss scraped knees, and we listen to their future plans of becoming princesses, artists, or even Geologists (her tia is so proud). No matter the size, or shape of our families the most important parts are that we love and that we are present. Recently, after a trip to visit family, she asked me if I were ever going to give her a sibling. This isn’t the first time she's asked me this, but this was the first time she shed a few tears at my answer. You see, for Christmas, she asked Santa for a little brother or sister. Then on the night before her birthday, she asked God “Please, can you make mommy pregnant so I can have a baby brother or sister, and we can grow up to be best friends?” And I think, after all of this time, that’s probably what hurts me the most. Not being able to give her that. I have a brother so I know what friendship she's asking for, and in a way, I know what she's missing out on. So, as we walked down the road hand in hand I explained a little bit about why mommy couldn’t have another baby.  Things were complicated, I was getting older, and sometimes families were small. Afterward, she reached up to hug me and said “It’s okay mommy. It’ll just be me, and you having adventures forever and ever.” I wrapped my arms around her, and held her tight. “You’re absolutely right baby.”

And THAT right there IS enough.

*all of the clipart in this post were found by doing a google search

One

It's "baby season" around here. Lately, we've had a few friends announce pregnancies, and others that have recently given birth. To say that I've had a sudden case of "baby fever", would be an understatement. My want for another child has pretty much sent my body into this weird "fake pregnancy" state. I was sore, really tired, I had bad cramps, and I constantly felt bloated. That last one could be because I've recently started handling my emotions by stuffing my face though. I've caught myself trying to think of good reasons to add to our family: I'm not getting any younger. My husband really wants to try for a boy. etc. etc.  I've also gone as far as to say that Emery needs a sibling because she needs to learn how to share. You know, because preschool couldn't possibly teach her that, right? I'm fully aware that I'm grasping at straws here. The idea of having another baby is just so enticing, and I would really really love to experience it all over again. Only this time it would be 100x different because I'm in a better place. Mentally, physically, and emotionally I am in a completely different mind set than I was when I had Emery. Who knows, I might even ENJOY it the second time around.

However, in my heart I know that we will not be adding a fourth member to our family; knowingly. When I talk to my mother about these things she always says that no matter how many preventative measures I take, if God wants me to have another child it will happen. And two night ago as I sat on the bathroom floor, waiting for the three full minutes it says to wait on the back of the box to pass by, I let myself think that maybe...just maybe God's plan was starting now. The test turned up negative, of course. I sat there and let out a little sigh of disappointment, even though I knew it was for the best, and I continued on with my evening. But you see, I know that it will have to take some form of miraculous or accidental intervention for me to conceive because I take every precaution to ensure that I don't. Sometimes I feel completely angered by this decision though. Here I am trying to be responsible, and in order to do so I must set one of my desires aside. So the dreams of a swollen belly, of baby's breath, and my daughter becoming a big sister will always be just that...dreams. 

I'm currently, and slowly learning to be okay with this. I'm learning to be thankful for the daughter I do have. She's healthy and beautiful. She's wonderful and full of adventure. She's my heart and soul in living form! There is so much more I am able to offer her that I wouldn't if we did have another child right now, and I'm grateful for that blessing. So, I'm trying my hardest to accept the responsibilities I feel I need to uphold. I'm trying my best to think of the bigger picture, and not cave into my selfish wants. I know that our family as a whole, is not ready for another member. I'm not exactly sure if we'll ever be. Financially, emotionally, and mentally we are not all in the right place at the moment. One day that might change, or it might not. And that's okay. Some days are harder than others though. But in the end, I know that my actions are the correct ones. Our daughter was not planned, and as much as I love her I wish that I had been better. I wish that I had experienced a different pregnancy, and that I had brought her into a home life that wasn't so angry and tumultuous. That was completely unfair to her, and it breaks my heart to know that she was born into that. So if there aren't any interventions, and one day we do get to plan on having another child, I'll be blissfully content knowing that we are doing so because we are ready to bring them into a home that is at peace. Until then, I'm going to fully enjoy and love my one and only.

A One Child Family

Recently, I’ve been asked a lot about when I’ll have a second child. When I respond with “Well, I actually think we might be done.” I get the usual “What? Really? Why wouldn’t you want Emery to have a sibling?” or the “Aww, so she’s going to be an only child? She’ll be so lonely! Why not have another one, two is the perfect number!” I try my best to shake off the comments but I'd be lying if I said I’m not usually left feeling a bit guilty about this decision afterwards. So I back track and say “Well, we’re waiting till I finish school before deciding anything.” I plaster on a smile and go on with my day. But their words usually stick with me and I find myself second guessing my reasoning. Am I really being selfish for not having another child?

The truth though, is that I’d love to have another child. To me, two is definitely the perfect number. In fact, when I was pregnant I was secretly hoping for twins so I would be done. But now that we’re almost out of the TERRIBLE THREE stage, I don’t know if I want to go through it all over again. The pregnancy was rough, and natural child birth is painful (the only way I'd go). Not to mention all of this terrible two/three/whatever else is ahead already had me front and center to be put back on birth control. Also, my schedule right now is packed so at the end of my day I am exhausted. Exhausted. And I only have ONE child! The husband can’t technically count as a child. I honestly don't know how I’d manage with another baby. I'm sure we'd adjust, but then we'd also be repeating the cycle all over again. And I'm not sure if I want to go through it all again. Okay, maybe that is a bit selfish.

Then, I’m always considering finances. My husband was recently laid off so we are back to being a one income family. This is rough when it took two incomes to cover all of your expenses. So we've had to tighten up. Penny pinching, and coupons. It’s hard enough already with just three of us that I feel bringing another child into our family right now (or in the immediate future) would just weigh on us even more. I wouldn't have the luxury of enjoying the pregnancy because the doctor bills alone would give me a made case of anxiety. Now, I know people say that “If you wait for everything to be perfect, you’ll never do anything.” I was told this many times when I was pregnant and freaking out about the timing. And I get that it makes sense. I get that you can’t put everything off, but I think that choosing to have another child when you’re already strained in the financial department is probably one of the most irresponsible things I could do.

So for now, I'm just trying my best to enjoy us as we are. Looking at my little family I can honestly say that I love that it's just us three. Sure sometimes I get baby fever like a motherf**ker, and I have to talk myself out of forcing the husband to impregnate me. But that's all it is, baby fever. Fever that I don't act on. And I like that even on just one income we get by with a little extra on the side to take her out for a treat on the weekend. I like not having to worry about diapers and formulas. Although sometimes I’d gladly have those back instead of the temper tantrum’s we’re facing now. I like that I can just put Emery in the car seat and we’re off on our one little adventure; no diaper bag needed. I feel that we socialize Emery enough with other kids as well as adults for her to not be lonely. And I like the idea of only being 41 when Emery goes off to college and we could actually help pay for her to go to a great school! Maybe this makes us selfish, but this is how we feel right now. I like where we’re at. It could all change tomorrow, or in a few years though. We still have plenty of time to decide the final head count for our family. But for now, I feel like one is right. One is enough. One is perfect.

Whoa, That Was Close!

So I keep track of my “crimson wave”, and by that I mean my period in case you didn't catch that, with a nice handy little app called FMC on my iPhone. It’s very simple with none of those extra “journal’s, temperature recording, or smiley’s” to use. I think those apps are going a little overboard. Seriously? A smiley?? I just want to know when aunt flow will grace me with her presence! I can also (really easily) place a dot on the days the hubs and I do the horizontal tango. Why do I do this? Well, because based on your “wave”, this app gives you some dates that tell you when you’re suppose to be the most fertile. aka “The best days to get knocked up”. The hubs and I haven't discussed when we’d like to have another child (if we even want another one) in a very long time, so I came to the conclusion that RIGHT NOW would not be a good time. This sucks for my husband because that means that on the week (dates boxed in green) that I’m supposedly ovulating, the man is not allowed anywhere near me. He’s not even allowed to look at me with any kind of sexual intentions, because it ain't happenin’.

So guess what I found out this past Sunday? I was FIVE days late. Yea, five freakin days! I hadn’t been paying too much attention to my calendar until I started feeling sick. Nauseated. So, I checked the app, and what do you know? I was late. Late, LATE, LATE! Ok, maybe that isn't really late to some people, but for me that’s a little too late, for comfort. I took a pregnancy test, and it took forever to give me a negative result. I checked the expiration date and realized it was expired. The information pamphlet said something along the lines of “This could lead to a false positive or negative reading.” Crap! By this point, I was a bit nervous. So, I told my husband. Yea, I’d pay money to see that face again. I told him that I felt he should be a nervous wreck right along with me, until I was able to go buy another pee stick.

This is the moment he picks to start talking about another baby. He tells me it’ll be okay and that I’ve been late before (the most was three days late, and that’s when I found out I was pregnant with our daughter). Then he proceeds to tell me that if I am pregnant, everything will be okay and Emery will enjoy having a younger sibling. Fast forward about thirty minutes of alone time in his man cave and he comes out with:

“Um, you can’t be pregnant. You have to finish school and we have to get a bigger house first!”

Exactly! He was so right, that I laughed. We can’t afford another baby right now. With school, our jobs, and the crappy place that we’re in right now, it would be a nightmare. And do you know what happens next? HE starts cleaning. LOL! The last time he put on gloves and gave the sink a good scrub down was after I told him I was pregnant the first time. I left to go buy a pregnancy test, and came home to a clean house. 

The test came back negative, which we were relieved about. Not because we don’t want another baby, just that right now would not be a good time. But, in a way I’m glad we went through this scare. We actually talked about plans for another baby. We’ve both decided it will be either during my last year of school, or after I graduate before we start trying. Our relationship hasn’t been perfect, and we still have some kinks to smooth through, but hey that’s life. Still, we both came to an understanding that we do want another child eventually. I’m sure if he or she is a surprise we’ll be fine with it, but we’d much rather the next one come on our terms.

Now if only this damn nausea would go away, everything would be peachy. And I guess me being late is just my cycle changing up, because aunt flow ended up arriving that same Sunday night. Phew! Crisis averted. 

Dream Talk

I had a dream that I was pregnant. I looked down at my belly and I saw it move. Just like it used to with Emery. That tiny bump that would pop up when she would move or kick. The fuzzy feeling I got when she’d hiccup. I remembered it so clearly. In my dream, I was afraid to tell my husband (not like he couldn’t tell- I looked like I was about 35 weeks in my dream) because I knew us expecting a second child wasn’t what he wanted to hear. And I started crying.

Then, I woke up.

I constantly think of a second child. Will we ever have one? What will a second pregnancy be like? What about labor and delivery? Would it be the same? Could we handle a second child? And lately, with so many people I know either having babies or getting pregnant, baby # 2 has been on my mind a lot! I even keep a hidden list of potential names! But like I’ve said before, I’m not sure if we’re ready? I’m not sure if my husband will EVER be ready. And this truly makes me sad sometimes. I know that financially, and in the home we are in right now, it would NOT be a good idea to have another baby. But what happens when all of that is done, and behind us? What happens when we are in a good place financially and we have our own place? I’m not sure what place my husband is “mentally”- by that I mean if he’s overall the crap for good- and so I have no idea if it will ever be a good time to talk about having another baby. Because right now, he usually just says “We’re not ready right now. Maybe someday.” And if you haven’t noticed already, I HAVE TO TALK THINGS OUT! And I can’t just wait for “someday” to come around. I’m a planner, dang it! I like to save, be prepared, and have time to get used to things. Emery was unplanned, and I still feel guilty for the drinking *cough* and other stuff that I did *cough*, before I found out I was expecting! I’m not proud of it at all! And I don’t know how many times I’ve beat myself up over it. Emery came out fine, healthy, and she’s ahead of a lot of babies her age from what I’m told. Still, I feel guilty. Like, I should have known better. So, I’d really like to go into the “next” pregnancy healthy and prepared. My way of showing Emery that I’m sorry? I don’t know.

Also, and this may be completely silly, but I want a normal pregnancy. I never got that with Emery. Which is so sad to me. I didn’t enjoy any part of it like most soon to be mommies. I didn’t get to fix up a nursery or have one of those “Pregnancy/Couple” photography sessions. We started out ok, and supportive. But then money became a huge problem. Followed by me ALWAYS being sick and tired. I NEVER did anything! Then my husband and I hit a rough patch, lots of fighting, usually went to the doctor by myself, he was still doing drugs, we had some physical altercations (all ME), lots of name calling, lots of time spent alone at home, and finally he left a few weeks before Emery was born. I was miserable. Things are different now, though! We’re in a good place with each other. Slowly, my trust has started coming back. He’s supportive; such a great father and husband. And now, if we argue, we always make up. And if it’s something stupid, we usually just laugh about it afterward. He really is a good man. So now, I want to have that happy pregnancy! I want to have good memories. I want that damn photo session, and to have us talking late at night over baby names. I want to have a pregnancy where we were both “there and in it” the whole time. But mainly, my reason for wanting another baby is for Emery. I want her to have a sibling.

My brother and I were the only children my mom had and that’s only because my mother had lost her first & fourth child. Her fourth was a miscarriage and while this was happening the doctor told her that she was a high risk-she already had a boy and a girl- so why not tie her tubes? My mom said she was in shock & pain, she looked at my dad, and she just shook her head. She says she regrets it till this day. She said she should have waited till the shock had gone away because they both wanted a big family. They had always wanted at least four or five children. She says she’s sad she never got that. Now, the rest of my aunts and uncles have at least 2-6 kids. So we have a pretty big family! And it was always fun having cousins around. Getting that sense of a really big family. It was wonderful! Now, I personally don’t want four or five, but I do want two. That’s my number. But I don’t know if that number will ever be a reality or just a dream.

Grr, I just wish it were my husband's number too.

p/s Sorry guys, I’m just stressing! I don't like to talk about our "problems", and this really isn't a "problem" because we aren't fighting about it. Things are good right now, I'm not planning on rocking the boat. I just freak out about the future sometimes. This blog becomes my place to talk about it. I don’t want a baby RIGHT now, I just feel like the clock is ticking and I'd just like for it to pause. LOL!

Baby #2 A No Go?

So, as I had stated before, I wasn’t sure about having another baby. I really wasn’t sure if my husband could deal. So this past weekend, on our second trip to the city *gr*, I approached the subject (amongst many others) with my husband. He acknowledged that he wasn’t ready for another child, and didn’t know if he would ever be.

This pretty much brought my fears to life. I’ve always wanted at least TWO children. And up until Sunday, I thought he did too (maybe not this close together, but eventually). So when my husband said “Emery is a handful already, and we don’t ever get to do anything. Then, you have this time limit, that I don’t agree with. It just seems rushed. And Emery can be so stressful and I just can’t imagine having another child. One is enough.” I was angrier than anything else.  Not too long ago he was talking about how we “had” to have another baby. Now he’s saying that the one we have already stresses him out enough that he doesn't want another one?? Yea, I had a few things I wanted to spout off at him, but I decided not to. Being stuck in a car with someone for an hour and a half, both ways probably isn’t the best time to start a fight.

He says if we have another child, we will never leave Texas. If we have another child, he’ll be resentful. If we have another child, our lives will completely be over. If we have another child it’ll put a strain on us as a couple. So now what? Do I give up MY hopes of having another child to cater to my husband’s wishes? Or do I start debating how we’re going to last if we DON’T have another child?  I don’t want to force him into having another child, but I don’t want to NOT have another child. It’s just really confusing, and not something I’ve ever had to deal with.

Confession Time

Baby #2

Lately, I’ve been thinking about having another child, and when would be the best time to get pregnant again. I’m not in a rush, at the moment, but I have always said I want to have them at about two years apart and I wasn’t going to have any more after 25 (-ahem- 26). With me being 23 that gap seems to be closing and closing quickly. And yet, I am not even sure if I could even handle another baby (it’s so not what you’re thinking).

Recently, I’ve noticed that my husband and I are just not on the same “page” when it comes to parenting and growing up. If he thinks we can’t do anything with one little monster, can you imagine two?? He already complains enough about how we don’t get to do anything and how I’m always bossing him around. We just don’t get to have any kind of fun anymore. Boo Woo! Wah!

I KNOW THIS!! YOU ARE PREACHING TO THE CHOIR! 
BUT TOUGH SHIT!!!

You see, in his eyes, it’s all me. In my eyes, it’s all him. I believe in putting childish shit aside and putting my big girl britches on. He believes in having fun, getting out, and just "chillin". Being a mom takes a lot more work than most might think. Parenting is not something that I believe we should take so lightly. And without having help, I just don’t see how we could have made it. So when he starts to not take things seriously, and he's all "whatever" when it comes to consequences, yes I get a little pissed off! My MAIN priority is my daughter. Pleasing/catering to my husband comes next in line, but NEVER before. Maybe that’s wrong, but when you’ve had the relationship I’ve had...you’d understand. I don’t believe in risking my daughter being taken away. I don’t want to risk going to jail because I wanted to go “party it up” at a friends house. To me, that shit is OVER. We do occasionally go hang out and drink, but with people of AGE. Have a date night here and there. But none of this high school shit. Unfortunately, some of our friends still hang/party with some underage kids and that’s usually our (my) cue to head out. Sometimes this bothers my husband because it cuts the time we get to spend with our friends, but it doesn’t bother me. The risk is not worth it.

Ok, now before I get all sidetracked on our relationship issues let me get back to the point. So with all of these little conflicts, head-butting, and downright stubbornness coming from both of us, well it’s left me wondering if having another child is even a good idea?? If we can’t seem to agree on what’s ok and what’s not. What the boundaries are and how to stand together (as a parenting unit). Then should we even have another child??

I need to know that when the time comes, he could stand up to his mother...with no remorse. I need to know that he will be there. I need to know that he will make smart decisions and always take into consideration what the risks are. I need to know that WE (Emery and I) are the most important things to him. Because if he can’t do any of this, then why should we add another little monster to this mix...

Ever? 

Blah!! This Sucks!

First, let me start off with some GOOD news. WE have OUR explorer up and RUNNING again!!! YAY US!! No more having to borrow my parent's vehicle!!! Today, my husband is going to get an alignment done, and the inspection sticker. It will be ready to go this afternoon! I am BEYOND excited!! So, at least that's going well.

Next, I gained more weight. I have fallen off the bandwagon. HARD. I have two things to blame for this. My lack of motivation, and my job. My lack of motivation is a big part. I looked at myself yesterday, and I literally felt disgusted. And I thought to myself "Omg, you're never going to be that perfect size 8 ever again..." I feel so ashamed for letting myself go in the first place. But now, trying to lose the weight seems that much more impossible. PLUS, my husband has decided that in a year or two (maybe three, but that's it) he'd like to have another baby. This comes after 6 months of him saying: 

 "No. Absolutely NO more babies! Emery is handful already. How are we going to afford college for her much less another one?! Absolutely NOT. Nuh uh, no way."  

On Monday, he "nonchalantly" stated that we WOULD (in the future) be having another child. He was playing with Emery, dancing around, tickling her, and she was giggling so hard. That's when he stopped and he said: 

"Well, Emery's about to start walking, and in a year or two, she's not going to be as clingy. She's not going to find this stuff as funny anymore, and I'm going to want another baby. So in two years or so we'll have another baby then." 

It came out of nowhere. I did a double take in my head. Was that really coming out of his mouth? Crap! I was just wrapping my head around the idea of us NOT having any more children and then he goes and spouts this off? What the HELL?!?! So, I replied: 

"WELL, it'll have to be in a year or so because I'm not about to get all in shape only to have to get fat again. And I'm not having children after 26. I want to be able to DO stuff once they're both out of the house. AND it's a 50/50 shot that we'll get a boy next time, so I don't want you all mopey if we end up with TWO girls. So we better be sure."

So now, the idea of having to get fat again has seriously messed with my weight loss plan. I KNOW, that I still need to kick my ass back in shape REGARDLESS of whether we decide to get pregnant again. But, seriously?! All that hard work....just to blow up again?! Oh god, that's so discouraging.

So how does my job fit into this? Well, let's just say that my work environment is horrible. It drains me by 11:00 am. I get home, and all I want to do is...nothing. Dealing with bullshit, drama, gossip, and the ongoing power struggle takes a huge toll on me. That accounts for my laziness and lack of energy lately. I mean, seriously, I have to muscle up the energy to shower when I get home. Yea...that bad... 

Let’s Have A Freak Out Moment, Shall We?

I love, love, LOVE my daughter. No doubt about it, she is my world. At the same time, she is a handful. She is a full time job and at this stage, demanding my full attention. I would love to have another child, LATER in the future (maybe two or three years from now).

BUT NOT RIGHT NOW!!!

I've been so busy lately, that last night while I was setting up my new iPhone, I actually had a few minutes to myself. I had put Emery down to bed, my phone was syncing, and I sat there in my PJ's taking deep breaths. Processing the day I just had. **TINK** My iPhone is done and as I start playing with it, my MENSTRUAL app is on my first screen. Hmm? When was my last period? So I go and check it, and sure enough, last month on the twelfth. And my "prediction" date for this month was LAST THURSDAY!! That means I am SEVEN days LATE!! Now I know what you're thinking, it's just a silly phone app right? Maybe. You see, this app has been fairly accurate for me AND I usually start the day BEFORE the prediction date. That’s how I was always prepared and stocked on pads and tampons every month.

Oh….my….HOLY CRAP!!!!! No. No. No. No. NO! I can NOT be pregnant!! I am barely getting back to my work out routine, BARELY loosing the belly weight. I am just now managing to juggle life as a working mother. We are just now getting all of our debt cleared away. I still OWE my doctor for delivering EMERY. This is sooo not funny! Beau and I can’t even make up our minds as to whether we even WANT another child or not, much less be prepared to have another one! I am so praying that I start right this second! I demand it!!

Please??

Breathe in. Breathe out. Ok, I'm trying to chalk this all up to stress. Because STRESS has been a BIG part of my life these past few weeks. That and frustration. Work has been a hell hole, and I've been trying to catch up on a lot of things. So maybe that's why I'm late?! Please, please let that be the reason!?! I haven't felt sick, or tired. No swelling. No puking. I haven't really noticed ANY of the signs like I did with Emery, accept the lack of my period. Oh god, we are so not ready for another baby yet! Please let it be a false alarm. I promise to double up on birth control and even make him wear a condom from now on! But please, please don’t let me be pregnant!!!

Damn it! Now I have to go pee on a stick!!

Update @ 5:30pm

The pee test came back negative. A bit relieved, and yet a little sad at the same time. :-)