New Year's Resolutions

We have only two more days, till it is officially 2011!! I don't really get why we all go out of our way to make these resolutions?? Most of us will forget them by February- what they even were to begin with. But, in the spirit of "following everyone else", I have come up with a LIST, of GOALS for this year. Some may even say it's too much and that I should only pick one or two things off of it but, everything can be worked on, a little at a time right? Motherhood has taught me the idea of baby steps is better than none. 

• Pray Every Day
• No nail biting
• Learn to COOK
• Lose 30 lbs (50 lbs altogether)
• No JUNK food or SODA's
• Grow my own vegetable garden
• No texting while driving
• Recycle
• Pay more attention to EMERY
• Pay more attention to my husband
• Bulk up our SAVINGS
• Take a family VACATION
• Have some more ME time
• Let GO! Everything will be ok! 

And those are just a few, lol! What about everyone else out there? Do you make resolutions, or maybe have another tradition altogether?

Wishes & Reality Are Two Very Different Things..

I'm in a weird mood today. So this post WILL be, a bit confusing, and probably a bit of a downer. Fill free to skip it.

Wish

I wish I were skinny. I wish that I could look fabulous when I woke up. I wish I recycled, grew my own vegetables, and fed Emery nothing but organic food. I wish we had our own house in a place that we both love. I wish my husband had his license. I wish I had a husband I didn't have to worry about. I wish I had money to take a vacation. I wish my stomach were smooth and flat. I wish I could afford another child. I wish I had time and mental capability to meditate. I wish I could be absolutely happy. I wish I could be somewhat beautiful. I wish beer were illegal and weed was legal. I wish people wouldn't judge so much. I wish I could be more tolerant; more accepting. I wish I weren't so paranoid. I wish my ideas hadn't changed. I wish that I could be more trusting of people (especially my spouse).

Am

I am fat. I don't look fabulous, ever. I think about recycling. I don't grow my own vegetables. Emery eats Earth's best and Beechnut, out of a JAR. I live next door/pretty much with my parents. I need $500 for my husband's license. My husband's had thoughts of someone else before. My money is gone before I get it. My entire stomach is covered in dark, deep stretch mark, and I HATE THEM! I have about five handfuls of excess skin and flab around my waist. I don't know if I could handle or have time to give the right amount of attention to another baby right now. I think way too much to ever be able to meditate. I 'm happy, but there's always something that sneaks up. I am not beautiful (don't care what you say, I look at myself every day). I think beer is more harmful and dangerous than alcohol/beer (speaking from experience). I judge too much. I am tolerant, but only to an extent. I am paranoid about everything, 95% of the time. My views in life have been put into a blender and thrown back out into pieces. I don't trust anyone. After our problems, documented here, it's been hard to forgive, forget, and move on. I still check his phone every now and then.      

Thoughts

I am trying to make this a good first Christmas for Emery. Even though, I know she won't remember it. I'm trying to throw myself into something; ANYTHING in order to not remember. I'm trying to be OK. But every second that I'm not focused on something else, I focus on that. I focus on those last days. The weeks right before Emery was born. I remember last Christmas, and how everything seemed ok. I had no warning, of things being wrong. We had fought, but it was over things that could be FIXED. At least, I thought so. Then, January 29, 2010, my HUSBAND, walked out on me. Those four weeks of emotional HELL and utter physical pain have still left me marked. THREE weeks before I gave birth. THREE weeks before the happiest day of my life. And I was put through that. Yes, things changed, and we are now back together. But do you know, how bad that screwed with me? Do you know how much those days influence my life now?? I changed. I closed myself off, and I don't know if I've even opened back up yet. A year later. I am always scared, and yet always expecting to have my husband walk through the door, tell me he doesn't love me anymore, and that he's leaving. It's like I'm preparing myself for that day to come. Waiting. I'm waiting to find him with another girl (skinnier, prettier). I'm waiting for him to just pick up and leave (back to California w/out us). I'm waiting for that letdown. That same speech "It's not you, it's me." Every day. I don't know how to change that?? Even right now, I read into his behavior. Every word, every move.

Does it mean this? Does it mean that? Does he not love me? Is he going through the motions? Is he just with me because of Emery? Does he secretly want someone else?

And I can't seem to stop.

Fuck you, January 29th.

Frustrated

I am beyond frustrated. I am so uneasy, and I feel as if I want to just rip off my skin. I’m craving a cigarette so bad. I feel so trapped and I can’t even scream. I remember how things were before. When I would take care of it, one of two ways. But that’s not me. I can’t do that anymore. I’m over that now.

So why do I feel like the biggest piece of crap?

Why do I feel as if my husband is just walking through the motions?

Why do I feel as if I can’t breathe?

Why do I feel like this is it? This is my life. Going nowhere fast.

Why do I all of a sudden not want?

I just….ughhhhh……..FUCK!!!

p/s Due to some weird guy tagging the pictures

of my daughter, on Facebook,

I have decided to not post many pictures of her anymore. On anything.

Choking Hazard

Oh my gosh! I can't take my eyes off of her for a second! My daughter is into EVERYTHING! Constantly crawling back and forth. With so many people living here, it's hard to keep the floor "choke hazard" free. This weekend, Emery has almost choked twice. Once on a piece of leaf (someone brought in on their shoe). And once on a sunflower seed (my dad eats them). Both of these incidents have left me feeling like I'm about to have a heart attack! Terrified that she's going to choke and start turning blue.

Now, I know that children "choke" on things constantly. But after hearing so much and seeing these stories of parents losing their children to the simplest things they could have prevented. Makes me even more scared. Afraid that I'll screw up and dismiss something as simple or non-threatening; that COULD cause my daughter harm.

 And so I fear that I am starting to become one of those overly cautious moms. The kind that keeps their kid on a "leash", make them see a doctor every 3 months, and that goes overboard with Germ X. Emery will be like "The Boy In The Bubble", only the girl version. Gees! How awful does that sound? She's going to hate me. I've even gone as far as thinking about turning our phones and Internet off, so as to not have distractions (Facebook, Fruity Loops). Because it seems that these incidents have been when one of us is distracted. Meaning we weren't both keeping an eye on her. Because let me tell ya, she's a fast baby, and if there aren't two people watching her at the same time it's bad news bears and she's found something to put in her mouth or climb onto before you can blink.

 My daughter's life is more important to me than a status update, or a new track. So what can I do? How can I make sure nothing bad happens to her? She's my life. My baby girl. My love. She is God's gift to me and I feel that if I don't protect t her at all times, I'm insulting him and being a bad mom. But then, I feel as if I can't live life worrying all the time. It wouldn't be much of a life. So...what to do??

Sorry!!

Ahh! It has been so hectic!! I'm sorry I haven't kept up with writing as frequently as I should. But here you go, a new post just for you guys!!

So, after almost 3 years (2 months shy) at Vet Outlet, and their mistreatment and un-appreciation, I have finally moved on!! The co-worker that had quit before told me of this job with an FMC distributor. I applied, interviewed, and that weekend I got the call that they wanted me. They gave me a drastic pay increase, and I just could not refuse it. It has been a blessing! This company is so laid back, and very small. But the people are so amazing. So helpful and appreciative. So much different than the atmosphere at Vet Outlet. I mean, really different. Before I was afraid to ask too many questions or change things up a bit because they would scold you, or shun you. Several other employees, including myself, were always wondering who was going to be in the "dog house" that day. But here, they encourage me to have an opinion and to change things up. They have stated that they want me to be comfortable and to always ask questions. And so this past MONDAY, I quit Vet Outlet. Didn't tell anyone except for the owner (who had a meeting that afternoon and told everyone else). I went about my day like nothing had changed. Of course, I was talked about, and when the news came out no one talked to me, but whatever. No skin off my nose! Then, Tuesday, I started my new job.

So far, I love it. Yes, it's a bit different, and a little overwhelming. But the owner has told me that he doesn't expect me to learn all of this in just a few months. He said it takes years. So there's no pressure. Right now I'm just listening, answering the phone, and learning the routines from my manager. He has been very patient with me and I actually ENJOY coming to work. CAN YOU BELIEVE THAT?? I ENJOY it! LOL! So here we go! I couldn't be more thrilled to be out of my old workplace and into a new one. I am so excited about the possibilities, and the growth that I can come from working here.  I thank God for giving me this opportunity because it was much needed.

My punkin is getting older! I can not believe she's almost a year old!! So much to plan for her first birthday, it's ridiculous!!! Things between the hubby and I couldn't be better! And we are on our way to having a running vehicle! We have been missing California so much lately, that we have agreed to try and get our car fixed, and pay off a few bills with whatever we get from our income tax return. Then, whatever is left we will put towards plane tickets to California!! It might not be much, but a little bit helps. Other than that, nothing much has been new. Things here on my blog might be a little slow until I can get a routine going. Which I promise will be soon!

Ok, well, I better go! Hope everyone out there is doing well!! 

Job Interview

So, I had an interview yesterday. I felt a little guilty for lying about why I had to take a half day, but this interview wasn’t going to wait for me. The reason I gave is VERY real, but the appointment won’t be for another 3 months. I don’t know why I feel so guilty. These people treat me like crap.

But enough about that let me tell you about the job! It’s called Buck Horn Pumps- yes, very country. They had a laid-back atmosphere; calm, no tension. No dress code other than, PJ’s are a no-no is what I was told. They seemed like really nice people, Christian, and it’s a very small business with a total of 5 employees. The job is a customer service position but you never deal with people up front. Everything is done by email or phone. They ship out pumps for all kinds of facilities- like a mini FMC. The only hard part about the job seems to be learning the parts. The drive is a bit further BUT, to get out of here, I’d travel. The owner’s wife (the only office person there right now) is a firm believer in recycling, and they said that they don’t believe that degrees mean you’re better than someone else. It’s all about how hard you work, and them seeing that you are putting in an effort. Pay will be discussed with whoever they decide to hire.

It is in many ways the same, and yet very different from what I do now. But everything was so relaxed. Just stepping into the building and not having that tension or bad feelings was lovely. They wanted to know about me and my family –they know my parents, and an aunt and uncle. The only thing I was really concerned about was insurance (they only cover employees) but the lady said that that could change. I’m completely terrified. After being at one place for so long, and then having to start ALL over again on a “probation period” would be very scary. It IS very scary. Out of twenty applicants, they only chose four people to interview. They had one other person left to interview before deciding anything. They said they’d let me know by tonight what their decision turns out to be. I’m trying to not get my hopes up.

I am nervous and anxious. And even if I don’t get this job, my first interview in three years was a pleasant one. So I won’t be so nervous about having to do others if I have to. It’s always that first one that makes me a bit jittery. So wish me luck! I hope I get this. And if not, well, I must keep on looking. It is time for me to leave this place, that’s for sure.   

Ideal Mom

I shall do a catch-up post later. Right now, I’d like to talk about my guilt, confusion with life, and fear of being a horrible mother.

I am first and foremost, a mother. My actions should speak accordingly, right? I must start BEING the part instead of acting it. Right? So where does that leave my old past time enjoyments? Where does that leave the people I raised hell with? Where does that leave my views on life? Where does that leave my old views on parenting? Where does that leave ME? Not the me now that’s stuck in this weird growing up limbo, but the ME before parenthood happened? How do I let go of the past, in order to be a parent that is responsible and puts their child first? I seem to be struggling so hard with balance. I struggle between letting loose every once in a while, and just completely throwing it all out the window and filling my closet with mommy shorts. Because I can't seem to let go of the ideal picture of what a mother should be. I fall short of that image every day.

Drinking: I can’t take a drink or go out without Em, before I start feeling like I am betraying her. Like I am losing precious moments with her because I am being selfish. I end up not enjoy myself and start looking for any excuse to get home early. I can’t bring myself to cut loose and go to a party (having a babysitter of course) every now and then without feeling like I’m such a shitty person for seeking out those lush feelings again. Those “happy, giggly, bubbly” feelings. Shouldn’t my child bring all of that and more? Shouldn’t SHE be enough? Of course she is! So why should I need anything else? Why do I still think back to those days of drunken carelessness, and feel as if I’ve lost those “feelings” forever? Why do I keep feeling as if I am failing my daughter by wanting to be “young” every once in a while?

Motherhood: I can’t seem to enjoy ANYTHING these days. I try and sometimes I achieve a bit of joy and happiness. But then the pressures of not being a good mom start to weigh on my shoulders. I wonder if I’m not spending enough time with her. Am I doing the right things in life that will eventually benefit HER. Do I not hold her enough? Am I too focused on blogging, working out, or a movie? How much time apart is too much time apart? Are the examples that I and my husband set, as a couple, going to be good for her. What and why do we need to change? How do we go about this? What all must I teach her? Am I teaching her the right things? And let’s not even start on my parents. I swear it’s like I do nothing right in their eyes. To them, I’m still a child raising a child. I appreciate the advice, but sometimes they are OVERLY helpful. Overly critical of my parenting. And that’s only when they let me parent. I ask for them to not feed Emery sweets, and what do they do? Feed her sweets. I tell my parents to feed her the organic baby food, and she’s being fed ICE CREAM or beans. I tell them to let her cry when she’s throwing a tantrum and they are the first to pick her up. I swear, it’s like I don’t get a say in how my daughter should be raised. ALL of this and MORE cross through my head constantly. And half the time, I flip-flop on the answers; the solutions. I can’t make up my mind or seem to focus on one way of doing things. I can’t seem to be OK, with my way of parenting. Especially when I have so many people setting me up on this “Mommy” pedestal that I can’t possibly live up to.

Friendships: My god, I feel as if we have none. I mean seriously I have no one I could run and talk to if something was bothering me. Yes, I have my husband, but sometimes HE is what’s bothering me. To which I would usually talk to someone, clear my head, and THEN go talk to my husband. Sometimes I need to vent and lately, I’ve realized that I have no outlet. I have this blog. But really? Internet friends can only do so much. And then, we have all of our old friends. The ones that are single, non-parents, immature, or parents that party way too much. I feel as if I can not relate to a SINGLE thing they are doing or going through. Everyone posts pictures of being drunk, going out to the bars and getting wasted, or of all of them getting together for BBQ’s or a night out. All of that without so much as a text in our direction. So are they really even friends now? Should I even bother with keeping them in my damn contacts list? Should I even bother making new ones? My life seems to be pretty complicated already. And I seem to keep being told that my daughter should be my only focus and priority. So where do friends really fit in now?  

How do I find balance? I seem to keep asking that, huh? Motherhood has been one of the most amazing, joyful and yet confusing, frustrating times I have ever had the pleasure of going (and continuing to go) through. How can anyone ever really be a “young” mom? A “young” parent? Parenthood brings on a whole new set of responsibilities. And you can’t face them as a naive, “young” person. You can’t hold on to your past because that no longer exists. You are no longer an I. You are now a WE.  But how much change is too much? And how do you keep a bit of yourself as you go through this transition? You can’t, can you? You have to face these new responsibilities as a responsible, adult. There’s no more childish, youthful carelessness allowed anymore. That me, must go. Right?

Ah, balance.

You are such a bitch to attain.