I'm in a weird mood today. So this post WILL be, a bit confusing, and probably a bit of a downer. Fill free to skip it.
Wish
I wish I were skinny. I wish that I could look fabulous when I woke up. I wish I recycled, grew my own vegetables, and fed Emery nothing but organic food. I wish we had our own house in a place that we both love. I wish my husband had his license. I wish I had a husband I didn't have to worry about. I wish I had money to take a vacation. I wish my stomach were smooth and flat. I wish I could afford another child. I wish I had time and mental capability to meditate. I wish I could be absolutely happy. I wish I could be somewhat beautiful. I wish beer were illegal and weed was legal. I wish people wouldn't judge so much. I wish I could be more tolerant; more accepting. I wish I weren't so paranoid. I wish my ideas hadn't changed. I wish that I could be more trusting of people (especially my spouse).
Am
I am fat. I don't look fabulous, ever. I think about recycling. I don't grow my own vegetables. Emery eats Earth's best and Beechnut, out of a JAR. I live next door/pretty much with my parents. I need $500 for my husband's license. My husband's had thoughts of someone else before. My money is gone before I get it. My entire stomach is covered in dark, deep stretch mark, and I HATE THEM! I have about five handfuls of excess skin and flab around my waist. I don't know if I could handle or have time to give the right amount of attention to another baby right now. I think way too much to ever be able to meditate. I 'm happy, but there's always something that sneaks up. I am not beautiful (don't care what you say, I look at myself every day). I think beer is more harmful and dangerous than alcohol/beer (speaking from experience). I judge too much. I am tolerant, but only to an extent. I am paranoid about everything, 95% of the time. My views in life have been put into a blender and thrown back out into pieces. I don't trust anyone. After our problems, documented here, it's been hard to forgive, forget, and move on. I still check his phone every now and then.
Thoughts
I am trying to make this a good first Christmas for Emery. Even though, I know she won't remember it. I'm trying to throw myself into something; ANYTHING in order to not remember. I'm trying to be OK. But every second that I'm not focused on something else, I focus on that. I focus on those last days. The weeks right before Emery was born. I remember last Christmas, and how everything seemed ok. I had no warning, of things being wrong. We had fought, but it was over things that could be FIXED. At least, I thought so. Then, January 29, 2010, my HUSBAND, walked out on me. Those four weeks of emotional HELL and utter physical pain have still left me marked. THREE weeks before I gave birth. THREE weeks before the happiest day of my life. And I was put through that. Yes, things changed, and we are now back together. But do you know, how bad that screwed with me? Do you know how much those days influence my life now?? I changed. I closed myself off, and I don't know if I've even opened back up yet. A year later. I am always scared, and yet always expecting to have my husband walk through the door, tell me he doesn't love me anymore, and that he's leaving. It's like I'm preparing myself for that day to come. Waiting. I'm waiting to find him with another girl (skinnier, prettier). I'm waiting for him to just pick up and leave (back to California w/out us). I'm waiting for that letdown. That same speech "It's not you, it's me." Every day. I don't know how to change that?? Even right now, I read into his behavior. Every word, every move.
Does it mean this? Does it mean that? Does he not love me? Is he going through the motions? Is he just with me because of Emery? Does he secretly want someone else?
And I can't seem to stop.
Fuck you, January 29th.
