Sh*t My Kid Says

Have any of you parents out there ever asked some smart ass question in sarcasm only to have your kid dish it back to you? Then you really don't know whether you should be offended, or proud because damn wasn't that some crazy shit you wished you had thought of first? Or maybe they hit you with some brutal honesty that you'd rather not hear? Well, for those with little ones who haven't started talking yet, just you wait. But for the rest of us, just know that this happens to me often. Sometimes I wonder if I haven't created a little monster. So for your amusement I'm going to share a little conversation that my daughter recently had with me.

Her: Mom, you're so small.

Me: Awwe, thank you little.

Her: Your belly isn't a marshmallow belly like daddy's.

Me: *mentally basking in that victory*

Her: But MOM!Your arms are soooo jiggly! Why are they so jiggly?! I mean, look mom...

*smacks my arm* ...it's like WAVES!!!

Me:

Her: *smacks my arm again repeatedly* Whoooa, look at all the WAAAAVVVEEEESSS!!! 

*proceeds to act like she's swimming in water*

My daughter ladies, and gentlemen! 👏 Taking shots at my self esteem since she learned how to put together complete sentences. I guess we now know what I need to focus on when I hit the gym, huh? Anywho, I know January has basically been one long catch up post. But I think I have everything up to speed now. I can't believe we're just a day away from February! My little is going to be seven in a few weeks!! How crazy is that?! Well, I hope you got a nice little giggle out of this like I did. Happy Monday!

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A Book Review- Weightless

Weightless by Kandi Steiner
My rating: 4 of 5 stars

3.5 Stars

I finished this book last night, and it's taken me a bit to really process how I feel about it. Initially, I felt like it was a pretty fantastic book worthy of five stars. Then after an hour I felt like maybe I just liked it so much because of the main subject matter? I went back and re-read some of the chapters, and came to the conclusion that it was still a pretty enjoyable read. Kandi Steiner is a new author to me and what grabbed my attention about this story was that the main character, Natalie, wasn't a size 4 bombshell. She had body image issues, and was not always an upbeat person. For someone who has always been a bit on the heavier side I found this book to be pretty refreshing. A lot of what was mentioned, and a lot of the feelings Natalie had to process were some that I myself struggled with for a long time. All the way into adulthood. So my overall grade for this would be a B+.

I understood where Natalie's insecurities were coming from. The first part of this book was pretty well written, and I loved to see Natalie grow. I definitely enjoyed Rhodes as well. He was moody, stubborn, hot, and smart. I did want to junk punch him a few times for having some severe hot and cold moments, but I feel like those swings were true to how his character felt. What he struggled with internally. Now, his character's story wasn't one that I expected at first, but it was plausible so I'm not hating on that. And let me just thank the author now for that lovely mirror scene that we were given. If you've read this book, you know what I'm talking about. These two characters really made the first part of this book fly by! The chemistry was there, the determination, the steamy scenes, and the progression was really smooth. The last three chapters are when things started to falter a bit for me. I felt that the ending could have been stronger. The "villain" kind of came out of nowhere for me. There was no real back story on it, but it wasn't that far fetched either. I just felt that their could have been more signs maybe? Though I did enjoy the epilogue, and there were no cliffhangers or unfinished business I also felt like the ending had been rushed. The conclusion came out so fast that I had to read that section over in order for me to really accept it, if that makes sense? Still, like I stated before, every loose end was tied up for us so I'm grateful for that.

I feel like this was a good book for me to be introduced to this particular author. It was a decent story, had some great side characters, and I enjoyed the transformation. I definitely look forward to checking out some of her other books.

Wordless Wedneday

Dinosaur Valley State Park

On December 29th we were invited to go hiking at Dinosaur Valley with my sister-in-law, and some of her side of the family. I'll be honest when I say that we hardly ever venture out. We "hike" around local little places such as the lake. We go running down back roads. But we've been a one income family for awhile now too so even if I wanted to go explore some new places I'm always concerned about gas, and food. This time, I chose not to worry about it. We would be spending time with family, and the park didn't charge entry fees for children under a certain age. Right on. So after having breakfast with a friend Emery and I made our way out to Glen Rose. 

It's about a forty-five minute drive from our house. I remember visiting this place when I was in Junior High for a field trip. But that was a long time ago, and the only thing that felt familiar about the place when we were exploring were the stairs. Everything else about it felt new, and we only managed to explore one trail. The park had maps of several other routes posted at each entrance so I'm hoping to go back soon, and explore a few other trails. Along different routes there are plaques that give you some information about the animals that live there along with information about the different plants/trees. Campsites are also available, and they even have a playground for the little ones which I thought was really cool. There's a river which was a bit too cold for me, but didn't seem to phase others that ran right through the route we took. What seemed to be the main attraction for younger kids were the dinosaur tracks/prints that you can look at, or stand in which Emery found to be really cool. It's also a pet friendly park so we took Maven along with us. Though it wasn't a bad move on our part there were instances when I walked us away from other hikers, and their kids or pets. Maven isn't always on her best behavior when it comes to other dogs, and sometimes people don't like strange dogs around their kids. Much less a pitbull. It was easy to get us far enough away from others, and she still managed to get in a good walk. I think Maven enjoyed the park as much as Emery did. Both of the girls fell asleep on the ride home. 

Dinosaur Valley definitely had some great views, and I really enjoyed the walk. It wasn't too difficult, but there were sections that we had to climb over rocks or steep hills. Emery was in her element the entire time, and she really enjoyed getting to jump into the water. Brave, brave girl. My guess is that late spring/early summer will be an even better time to go out if you're wanting to do some swimming while visiting. Overall, I'd say that this park was a great way to do some hiking, and get us outdoors. It's also a great way for kids to learn some more about the animals that have been here before us as well as the current ones that call this park their home. Emery has been begging to go back out there so the next time we have some good, warm, weather I plan on doing just that. 

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"Sobriety"

Today I wanted to talk a bit about my recent decision to quit consuming alcohol. Back in October, the weekend before my birthday to be exact, my husband and I got into a huge fight. It was ugly. That night I had had two small bottles of wine, a few shots of vodka, and a six pack all to myself. Then something was said, and it's like every little thing I had locked away was unleashed. I said whatever came to mind without really thinking about how my words were coming out. I became violent, and I just remember thinking that I wanted to scrub every damn surface of the house. Odd, right? Well in my mind, every single thing in that house had been a witness to all of the ugly lies. Every damn thing that had happened hit me full force, and I was fucking angry. The aftermath of that night left me embarrassed, and shocked. Here I was, almost thirty years old and still acting like a damn fool.  

So, on my birthday I had a shot of whiskey with my coworkers, and I let them know it would be awhile before I took part in another "shots Friday". With the exception of having some homemade liquor to try around Christmas, and then a glass of wine on New Years Eve, I haven't had anymore alcohol. I'm not an alcoholic, at least I don't think so, and according to the definition I don't fall under that label. In fact, it was quite the opposite. I don't feel like I need to drink, or that I'm missing out. I didn't drink very often before because I honestly didn't have the time. Nor the money. If I were to drink it was only on nights that my daughter was staying with my parent's, which wasn't often. And maybe once every few weeks I'd indulge in a glass of wine while cooking. That sounds pretty normal right? The thing is that on the nights when I knew that I didn't have to worry about driving anywhere, or when I knew my daughter was safely in bed at my parent's house I made sure that I had enough to get myself hammered if we were going to be drinking. Call it a byproduct of the "go big or go home" generation. On those nights I was hell bent on drinking and dancing in my living room until I couldn't anymore.

What I didn't really realize until that one night was just how mean alcohol made me. How I would say things, hurtful things, just because. Sure I'd have fun for awhile, but then my mood would shift as I started to do that "drunk deep thinking". Or more recently, when my husband would say something, or play a song that would trigger my anger. And that was another thing...it only happened when I was with him. I could drink with friends, and be the happy, giggly, drunk woman who just wanted to dance and eat food all night. But something about drinking while in my husband's company, or right along with him always changed my demeanor. It was starting to become toxic, and quickly getting worse. On that night I remember being slumped on the floor, sobbing, and trying to scrub the floor while apologizing for my existence. 

The next day I spoke with a counselor. I had my ass handed to me. I was told I needed to grow up, and to stop letting myself become a victim. Thousands of women have been in my shoes, some worse off, and even though it was a really shitty thing to go through I needed to face it like the adult that I was. And so I walked out of that office knowing that I couldn't let myself get like that again. If I had gone through that night with a sober mind it would have been different. My temper wouldn't have gotten the best of me. I would have said things in a calm manner, and with more thought behind them. I would have known when to stop pushing. And that's what I wanted. To be calm; to have peace. I wasn't going to get anywhere with all of the anger. So, I knew that I had to give it up. It wasn't something hard for me to do. I drained the remaining wine I had, and put all of my wine glasses away. I didn't look back, and I don't regret it. Sure maybe one day I'll have a few beers, or some wine but right now I'm enjoying how clear my mind is about everything. How I can have  a discussion, or talk about how I'm feeling without anything clouding it. What I'm feeling is all me, and it's not being intensified or heightened by a buzz. So for now, a life without alcohol, is what's best for me. And I'm loving every minute of it. 

Wordless Wednesday - Mexico 2016

*I try not to post pictures of the kids due to privacy so this is all you guys get...sorry.

What I Want in The New Year

Looking back on this time last year I really just wanted to get through it, eyes closed tight, and I was so ready for the year to be over with at the same time. I remember sitting in my parents house, and dealing with my situation the best way that I could. This time around I felt different. More aware? More in tune? I'm not sure if I'll ever be able to look at this time of the year in the same way that I used to. There's just a lot of bad that's associated with it. However, I'm trying my best to get passed all of that. To look at this time of year as a way for me to shed the old, and clear my mind. To put out good intentions, and open myself up to receiving the good as well. 

So, in order to be more positive I decided I would jot down the things that I hoped for this year. There would be no finish line though. None of this "lose 25 lbs by summer", or "pick up a new hobby by February" stuff. Instead there would be more compassion, and improvement on how I viewed things. How I treated others, and myself too. I hope to be a bit more selfish this year, and by that I mean doing a lot more "self care". As cliche as that sounds. I feel like I should spend more time looking out for my feelings, and emotions. Manifestation; which I'll write more about at another time. I want to really practice that whole "remove negativity from your life" idea. Take the time to enjoy more of the moments with family, and friends that I'm given. If I've learned anything in the twenty-nine years I've been on this earth, it's that all of the moments are fleeting. They quickly become memories, and I want to be able to say that I remember savoring every drop of it. I know I've talked about social media "detox" before, but in this day it seems really hard to put it into practice for some of us. Mainly because it seems this is the only way we ever keep in contact with each other. So, what I did a few months ago was delete apps, and disable notifications. I only check accounts when I remember, which believe it or not, isn't that often. Probably why it's taken me so long to get back on here. I've also renewed my gym membership because exercise is important to me. I read more bedtime stories with my daughter, and have less screen time. I started to journal again like my previous counselor told me I should. I *meditate 3 minutes a day. when I remember, like he suggested as well. I'm also trying to be more expressive with my support of others. Before I felt that it was implied, or assumed, when certain people in my life had my support. Now I see that some of them need to hear it, and see it. My intentions aren't always as clear as I assume they come off to be. So there's always room for improvements, and learning. I plan on taking advantage of it all this year.

I know it's a lot to work on, and a lot to really hone in on for me. I think what it all boils down to is me being more vocal. To not let things simmer under the surface. Forgive to the best of my abilities. Take stock in the good that I do have, and not dwell on the bad. It all passes in time. Love as much, and as fully as I can too. People need to see it, and feel it. Be happy with myself; for my well being as well as those around me. For my life to change, and be a positive one I really need to embrace where I'm at and the people in it. So here's to this New Year...

*If any of you are interested in meditation the Calm app/desktop web application is pretty awesome! 

Hello, 2017

Soon after my last post there was a memorial service held for James. Sadly, we weren't able to make it. His mom has told us that she plans to come visit sometime within the next few months so I'm hoping to get to see her then. My heart still hurts for her, and sometimes I catch myself thinking that it's not real. It hasn't sunk in yet. And I'm not sure if it ever will...? Mid-December I finally made my way to Mexico for a brief, yet fulfilling, visit. We went back to drop off my grandparents which was bittersweet. I wish they could have stayed longer because it felt like they had just gotten here before they had to make their way back. Next time I'm hoping to be able to take Em along so she can meet some of her cousins too.

Christmas was spent with family. Both sides. My brother, and sister-in-law were here for a week too. My other sister Olivia was here as well so I was really grateful to have everyone within minutes of each other again. Even if it was only for the week. It seemed like it had been so long since the last time we were all together. Eating, laughing, and just enjoying each other's company. New Years Eve was actually spent at home, in my PJ's, and with wine. Em fell asleep early, and so did my husband. Don't let that "accomplishment" fool you though because my ass was in bed by 12:05 am. Still, I consider myself blessed to have been able to close out 2016 with family, and friends.

This new year felt different. And if I'm being honest I had been feeling a shift for the past few months now. As you all know, for me 2015 ended with pain, humiliation, and grief. However, 2016 was a testing year as well. Mentally, physically, and emotionally. It brought with it some understanding, strength, and awareness that I didn't have before. But above all else it brought me growth. The ending of it was welcomed, and despite tragedy, I felt like 2016 was the closing of one long chapter. I felt like I was almost at the top of this big ass mountain that I had been trying to climb all year. In my head I knew that if I could just get to the very top I would finally be able to see something. That things would be clearer for me. I had been trying really hard to heal, move forward, and yet I had been so focused on what happened that I couldn't get passed that last obstacle. Well, I can say with certainty that there was a click. A "shit or get off the pot" kind of moment if you will? That shift happened, and even though I'm not exactly sure when it took place I know I walked into 2017 with clarity. Sure there's a bit of haze left over, but overall I feel like this is truly going to be my year. 

So.... Hello, 2017.