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"How Are Things?"

A question I get asked a lot is: “How are things with you and your husband?” I know people mean well, and they’re curious to see how we are doing which I appreciate. I just end up feeling really uncomfortable being asked this for several reasons: 1) I’m not always sure what all I should really say because it changes daily; sometimes hourly. 2) I am not focused on our relationship right now. 3) I’m just as confused as everyone else is on how to go forward in whatever kind of relationship is best because I feel like I'm still really uncertain about my feelings. 4) I’m still trying to figure out how to best cope with what happened. Sure it’s been a few months now, but these emotions and feelings can take a while to sort through not to mention much longer to resolve. I’ve actually been told to my face that we needed to “hurry up and decide” because it makes things awkward for our family and friends. Because obviously our relationship is about everyone else, and their comfort is our main concern. (<--read that with heavy sarcasm) So, here’s my side, since that’s the only version I can give you. And just a heads up, this is long.

Have you ever read those quotes or memes on Facebook that go something along the lines of: “I love you so much, but sometimes I want to run you over with my car. LOL!” They’re all different, and sometimes we look at them while chuckling and thinking “Oh that’s so cute, because it’s so accurate to real life. Hahaha.” I’ll be the first to admit that I was one of those women who used to talk about how amazing it was that I could go from wanting to choke my husband one minute to not being able to keep my hands off of him the next. Because that’s love, right? We take the good and the bad. A relationship is two different people sharing a life, not one entity, so of course there would be disagreements. There would be times when you made mistakes, or did something that might irritate each other. This was a normal occurrence in marriages, but the important part was that at the end of the day there was still so much love between the two of you. Well, for me that’s not all there anymore. No matter how much I try to get that feeling back it's just not surfacing. The mistakes he made weren’t cute. They weren’t just a bump in the road that we could look back on and laugh. I wasn’t a saint either. Instead of talking things out or trying to get him some help sooner I grew angry. I grew so tired of feeling like the only grown up in the relationship that I stopped caring. I became distant soon after that, and I just shut down. I also allowed myself to be disrespected. I allowed the emotional and verbal abuse to reach a point that I have no idea if we’ll ever be able to fully recover from it. Instead of trying to work through things I would just counter his words with complaints. If he wanted to see a bitch well then I would show him just how big of a bitch I could be. There were several months that I recall where I couldn’t walk through my front door without having something to argue/complain about. The people he was talking to, the friends he had over, and the parties that were being thrown until 3am on nights we had to work. The household chores always ended up being left to me, he was doing a lot of drinking, and we were always short on money. I'll admit that we would have a few good months, but then the storm would start brewing again. Fast forward to today, and there are days when I think that everything will be okay. I feel like we try to tiptoe around each other, and it gives us this illusion that life can go on as if nothing happened. We’ll get through this I tell myself. We’ll get back to being the “us” from before everything went wrong. But then I ask myself if that’s even a good place for us to be? Isn’t that just moving backwards? Wasn’t I in a horrible state back then? Why would I want to allow our relationship to go back and reset to that point? Currently, all I can say with honesty is that I have days when I feel comfortable around him. I feel at peace for a few moments, and it's as if we picked up where things left off. We get along for awhile, and it feels like we're a family again. And then there are the days when I question whether I should even attempt reconciliation because things just feel so different. I feel different. WE feel different. The dynamic of our relationship is so so different. It feels like playing pretend sometimes. It feels...off?

Then when I say that I’m “not focused” on our relationship it doesn’t mean that I’m not working towards something. No need to rehash all of the details, but if you want to go over it there’s a lengthy post here. And it’s somewhat of a follow up, here. It’s safe to say that there’s a lot of hurt; especially on my end. I’m sure that he feels some of it too for his own reasons. The relationships he pursued gave him something that he felt I couldn’t give him so I'm sure that left a part of him feeling incomplete when he came back. And in all honesty, I’m not even sure if he was wrong in feeling that way in the first place. Maybe I can't give him what they did? Then there’s the issue of trust. At times I feel like there’s a huge mountain of distrust that just keeps getting wider. I don’t know how to close the gap, and often I wonder if I’m even meant to? What some people don’t realize is that the lack of trust in a relationship can cause it to crumble. You can’t just toss that pillar to the side because that leaves the rest of the foundation weak. So, it can affect the daily things that are talked about, communication in regards to how you really feel, intimacy, and even how you feel about yourself. Full disclosure: I feel that we both have tried to restore intimacy in our relationship. I know that I've tried to recreate what I felt from before; to ignite that passion again. I have tried my hardest to recall everything that brought us together. To look passed what had happened, and see that we were trying to be better. Which is what I had begged and prayed for. BUT it’s not the same. There’s something missing. And often my mind wanders to the other women. Anytime we try to be close as a couple I instantly think of them. The sting almost feels like I’m pouring salt on an open wound, and I have no idea how to make that stop. So, the solution with the help from my counselor was to not force anything. Take a step back. Work on my issues. Work on my life. I need to figure out who I am, what makes me happy, and learn about my needs. I need to learn how to love myself, and bring my self-confidence back up. Discover some form of independence for myself, and learn where I begin and end. Once I do that, I can approach our relationship/marriage issues. So, that’s why I’m focused on ME rather than US right now. Who am I? What do I like? What will I allow? What won't I allow? Am I doing things that make me happy? If not, why am I doing them?

With all of this written out it may seem negative. It may seem like I'm beating on a dead horse, or as if all the roads basically lead up to us getting a divorce. What you don't see is that THIS is just part of a great big process. I'm feeling the same way countless women before me have felt. I am feeling every bit of the betrayal, and heartache. I'm feeling my failure and shortcomings in regards to my marriage. The fallout. I may not seem like it when out in public, but I carry it with me everywhere I go. These days I meticulously go over every option. I constantly doubt my abilities, and I question absolutely everything. I'm hurting, and at times feel like just walking away. In some eyes, I would have EVERY right to do so. In others I'm doing the best thing by keeping my family together. But it will eventually be left up to how I feel once I'm done recovering. Once I've purged everything that I have inside, and I've gone through all of the stages. It will come down to how he feels once he's done recovering. Once he's sure of how he feels. I'm trying to be as open about where I stand emotionally when I feel really certain about how I feel. I want to have that open dialogue because I feel communication, no matter how hard, is key to heading in a good direction. A  mature, and loving one. Whether it's together or not. So, that's how things are for now.

Fear and Change// A Writing Prompt

When I start to feel myself gravitating towards anything negative I usually look up Trent Shelton. For some reason his words often bring me a tiny bit of peace. Sometimes I find that this guy can string along sentences that I've been feeling better than I ever could. Reading through his feed can help me get back into a positive headspace. And there are a few of his quotes that serve as a reminder, or validation of what my counselor tells me at each of our sessions. That the only things I can truly control are my OWN actions/reactions. I'm responsible only for how I choose to live, and what I allow to be brought into my life. And lately, I’ve been really examining what I need and what I want. I question why I put myself through certain things if they are not giving me something in return? I know that might sound selfish, but bear with me.

Are we meant to just go through life with struggles, be slaves to our jobs, barely get by, and then just wait for the end? Some people out there live with monotonous routines, stay at jobs that make them miserable, continue in relationships that should end, and live life paycheck to paycheck. Struggling. Feeling unhappy, and uncertain. I’m not saying that these are all necessarily bad things either. Sometimes a struggle can lead to some pretty epic things. I, myself, see several of those labels that I could attach to my current state of living. Whether it’s out of financial necessity, fear, or down right stubbornness it becomes really hard to get out of that hole though. Eventually it becomes so second nature to us that we don’t realize we could easily break away from those habits. Doing so could set off a whole chain reaction of positive possibilities. So, at my last counseling session one of the main lines that came to mind repeatedly for me was: “What am I doing this for?”

I feel that as time moves forward we should all be growing. Maturing. Creating. Learning. Finding out what really brings us happiness. We should be able to look at what we do, and know in our hearts that it’s for a reason. And that reason should be one that we feel comfortable with, or just enjoy. I understand that some of the "day to day" is just because, well life,  and there’s no getting around that. I’m also not naïve enough to think that everything is sunshine and rainbows either. There is struggle, there is pain, the real world, and there will be days when life just kicks our asses. But what about the things in life we do, which could easily be changed, by asking ourselves“is this something that will make me happy?” I’ve realized recently that there have been choices I’ve made, that if I had really observed what I had been doing, I would see that it wasn't something good. That I was NOT okay with the path these choices were sending me on. That I didn’t feel like certain people I had allowed into my life were helping to lift me up. That I didn’t want a life dictated by my income or lack of. That I should listen to my gut instinct for what it was trying to tell me: Change. Be happy. Wake UP! DO something. Anything! Just stop letting things or people hinder your growth. 

Sometimes this can seem overwhelming. I get that. Change of any kind can be jarring. It can make you uncomfortable. It can cause us to see things differently. We might not even like what’s on the other side. In my case, I learned that I still continue to let stuff happen around me that I don’t like out of fear. Fear of the unknown. Fear of change. Fear of loneliness. Fear of not living up to expectations, and the fear of missing out. No question, there is a lot of fear in my heart. When was it placed there? I have no idea. When will I find the courage to remove it? Your guess is as good as mine. Looking at that admission, and I’m not really sure which is worse? Not knowing what’s holding you back, or knowing and not doing anything to stop it? I guess the silver lining is that at least I do know something. It’s a start right?  I can look at myself and know that I’m not ready to let some things go. That there are some issues I could examine more closely. That it’s okay to uncover some pretty harsh things about yourself. No one is perfect. No one. Maybe we lie to ourselves a little more than we'd like to own up to? And sometimes we just aren’t ready.Whatever the reason. Sometimes we have to pry ourselves one finger at a time. And sometimes the path veers off, smacks a tree, and has us upside wondering how the hell we ended up there? BUT the option and the action to change are always there. You can grab a hold whenever you want; whenever you feel ready. I just know that I’m not quite there yet. So, I guess I just dig deeper. I keep peeling back the layers. Eventually, I'll know exactly what I want, and what I need to do to get there. No second guessing or self doubt. No reservations or fear. And when that day comes...it'll be great. Change will be welcomed, and fear will be long gone.

Wordless Wednesday

Post Surgery and Other Updates

On June 24 the little had her first surgery. She did really well through the whole day. The hospital, the staff, and most importantly her surgeon were all wonderful. It eased my anxiety, and the stress I was feeling just being surrounded by people who were so nice and helpful. They explained everything very thoroughly. We were called twice when she was in surgery, and twice when they were getting her ready for recovery to keep us updated. We were walked through the procedure, the surgeon explained what had been done, and then we were finally sent home with a pretty relaxed little girl. There were a lot of laughs that day which was unexpected, but very welcomed. It's been over two weeks now and she was given the green light to start being more active which she is super stoked about. We go back to the doctor next week so they can make sure everything is healed up nicely. 

The fourth of July was pretty uneventful for us. I feel like we spent so much time with family when we were younger for pretty much every holiday that we've all become kind of burnt out. That or we've all just become a bunch of homebodies. So we don't really go "all out" anymore. We did attended the parade in the morning, and then had dinner at my parent's home. We skipped out of the fireworks show which the little was bummed about. But we bribed her with a movie, and popcorn so that disappointment quickly faded. Sometimes I feel bad that Emery hasn't been able to experience having those big family get together's like I did. Sadly, I'm the only one with a child right now, and the rest of the cousins who have kids live a good distance away. Then there's that nonsense about how my sister-in-law wants to wait until she finishes school before getting pregnant so they won't be having a kid anytime soon. You hear me, Kim? NONSENSE! I need you to have a baby, because it'll keep my baby fever at bay. PRETTY PLEASE?!?! Don't be so selfish. LOL! Pfft. Can you believe the responsibility and maturity those two are going by? I mean seriously who does that anymore?? Love you guys! :)

It's been about three weeks since I stopped exercising consistently. My anxiety has come back, and recently it feels like we've had one thing right after another go wrong. Car issues, financial issues, and work related things all have taken their jabs at me within the past month. That along with the stress, and the financial uncertainty we are currently facing, have caused me to gain about ten pounds. I'm one of two extremes: either I stress eat or I just don't eat at all. But now a nice portion of the issues have been somewhat resolved so I feel like I can breath a bit better. I've decided to ease back into things with 3-4 gym sessions a week. I want to do mainly cardio with a small amount of weight lifting. And then I really want to try out the kickboxing class that my gym holds every Thursday to mix things up. I've always felt guilty about how much time I'd be spending on me rather than on other things that need to be done around the house. But recently I decided that the house work can wait. And my daughter needs to see that exercise/physical activity should be a part of an every day routine. It helps to stay healthy, and to have energy for the day. So, I've been working on getting back into the swing of things. I went through all of my cabinets to get rid of the junk food too, and it's officially back to clean eating for me.

There are a few other things I'd like to talk about, but those will come later. For now I'm just updating on the basics. I hope everyone is having a wonderful summer so far! Talk to y'all soon.