Book Review - Drive
Friday, June 22, 2018
Drive by Kate StewartMy rating: 5 of 5 stars
This is my first Kate Stewart book, y'all. It wrecked me in so many ways, and I loved every minute of it! I mean, this book is easily going on my top five favorites list for my 2018 reads. And possibly longer, as it's been awhile since I've read something this...amazing. Magical? Soul shattering? Okay, maybe a little over dramatic on that last one, but seriously this book is really amazing. I'm actually bummed out that I hadn't come across it sooner. But my God, am I glad that I hit that
"send a free sample to"
button. Now, as usual, you’ve already read the blurb so I’m not about to rehash it for you. If you’re reading this review it's probably in order to decided whether or not you want to buy/read this book. So, without further ado, lets get to it (and just a heads up--this gets long):
If anyone tells you a song is important to them, you should turn it up loud, close your eyes, and really listen. Because at the end, you will know that person so much better.
—Unknown
I am a huge fan of music. It's attached to so many memories. And damn if they don't take me back to exact moments. So for me, this book had me with this first opening quote. I had a hard time putting this book down, and yet having to force myself to do just that every so often due to the emotional roller coaster it was taking me on. Now, before we continue, this book is about a love triangle. So if this is not your jam then tread carefully. BUT, if this is something you're good with, then let me just say that it will not disappoint. Our main triangle consists of: Stella, Reid, and Nate. And oh man was the burn slow, and tantalizing. It took me a minute or two to get comfortable with Reid. He was intense but magnetic, and definitely hard around the edges. While Nate on the other hand was drool worthy from the very beginning, and so easy to like. He was such a great man overall. We can tell from the first few chapters that Stella definitely had a connection with each one, and I could easily see her dilemma. But when someone walks away, and the other starts to pick up the pieces you start to shift in opinion of just who might be worthy of Stella. Or vice versa- sometimes you questioned whether Stella was worthy of either of these men. But before you know it everything is all upside down again, and things constantly shift. There's a push-pull, and I knew by Chapter 30 that I was going to be a little heartbroken either way the story ended up going.
"I want to split a paper with you over breakfast. I want to find out what your favorite movie is. I want to know everything about you, and despite my best efforts, you’ve given me less than shit. I want you in a million different ways, but when you look at me like that, all I can think of is one."
- Nate
And I was not wrong. By the time I reached 96% I felt totally elated at the turn of events, and yet a bit heartbroken. Everyone deserved a happy ending. Everyone deserved love. And even though I was happy, I felt like the other possible outcome would have made me just as happy. Yet, even with all of that, the conclusion felt right. Now, that's all that I'll say about the story. What I want to dive into next is Stella. Very rarely am I able to truly relate to a main female character. And honestly, that doesn't bother me one bit. I read to escape into new worlds, and stories. But with Stella...well she brought the realness.
Side note: the story takes place in Texas, and there were so many references that only Texans would get within this book that I completely adored Kate Stewart for.
She's half Latina, and living in Austin. Her start is rough, but I loved her edginess. How she didn't care about what others thought, and she basically danced to the beat of her own drum. Though she does lose herself a bit within her journey it was easy to relate to that. To giving so much to someone that you put yourself on the back burner.
“If I’m not what you need, then go find it. I bared myself to you, and you didn’t have the decency to fall in love with me. I probably will hate you. I fell for you, scared, but I did it anyway.”
-Stella
Kate did a great job with giving Stella so many different sides that fit. They felt real, and her growth was so steady that it felt life like. And I think that's what I liked most about the story. How all of these characters had growth, their own stories that we see bits of, and most importantly they were faced with issues and decisions that any of us could be presented with. So for me, this book had it all. I will say that my only complaint would be that I wanted to read more about Lexi (Stella's bff), and Ben (Reid's bff). However, with the way that they were written I have a feeling (and I hope) that we'll get their own story one day. Other than that, this book was one that I really enjoyed. And it's a story that will stick with me for a long time.
At the time of posting you can snag this book on your Kindle for $3.99 or read for free if you have Kindle Unlimited.
Caddo Lake State Park
Monday, June 18, 2018
On May 18th Emery, and I headed up to Mount Pleasant for a girl’s weekend. The following day we would all head out for a day of hiking at Caddo Lake State Park in order to celebrate my nephew turning one soon. Yes, while most people celebrate with cake and a party we decided to get out in 90-degree weather for a hike instead. Originally, my brother had wanted to summit Guadalupe Peak since our last trip didn’t allow for it. But seeing as how he wasn’t here we had to improvise. So, the following morning we all got ready to make the hour and a half drive to Caddo Lake.
Now, in order to not make this one long ass post let me just give you the rundown. This park is open daily, and the cost to get in is $4 per person. Kids 12 years and under are free. Likewise, if you have a military pass-- which we did thanks to my brother. Now, if you’re an avid hiker that likes to have various trails available to you this park doesn’t really offer that. Caddo Lake is mainly for camping, fishing, paddling, and offers cabin rentals. They're available for small groups as well as for larger events such as reunions. I believe, based on the maps, that Caddo has a bit less than 3 miles of hiking trails available. However, I felt like this was perfect for a day trip. It allowed us to explore the majority of the trails, and still have enough time to rent a canoe in order to explore the Saw Mill Pond which I highly recommend. The canoe rental was, I believe $10/hour, and seated three to each canoe. The life vests were available there at no extra charge too. We took turns paddling out, and honestly that isn’t a bad price. We were all able to take a turn around the pond. Also, fair warning, this park does have alligators. My sister-in-law had previously told us about them, but also assured us that we wouldn’t encounter one. So, we didn’t see any on our visit, which Emery was totally disappointed about. I, on the other hand, was totally okay with it. They do have designated swimming areas for us humans, which we didn’t see on our side, but always make sure to ask at the office or check the website for warnings.
On the day that we went it was hot out. And humid as hell. However, the trees are so tall that they blocked a lot of the sun while we were hiking. It felt about 5 degrees cooler than what it was which turned out to be really nice. There were certain areas where a breeze would come through and help cool us down which was much appreciated by all of us. Just don’t count on having that happen a lot. And since the trails are pretty short I didn’t see any water stations along any of the routes so make sure that you bring your own water. Bring your own snacks if your peck-ish too. Also, there are three restroom areas but definitely go potty before you head out as the location of these bathrooms are on complete opposite ends of the park. Other than that, it’s pretty easy to navigate your way around. And the views were pretty great as well. I definitely recommend Caddo Lake for those of you with families that just want to get out for a day trip, or overnight camping. Or if you just want to spend some time outdoors with some friends for the day. This place is also pretty perfect for those that are new to hiking too. Like me! The trails offer just enough challenge to make you feel like you're really getting in a work out.
Overall, I really enjoyed our visit. Emery had a blast running on the trails, and she was able to help paddle the canoe which she enjoyed. There weren’t a lot of people out when we were there, but in a more secluded camping area we were able to see a lot of tents set up so we know there were quite a few others out there. It was very peaceful, and quiet for the most part too. Now, the pond does lead out to the actual lake, and according to the park website it has over 50 miles of paddling trails. However, I can’t tell you much about that because we didn’t attempt it. There were too many other boats on the water in that area, and with it having a steadier current we weren’t sure how we’d manage with the kids. We all had a great time though! By the end of the day we were ready to head back home for some dinner. Our plans of late night movies, and junk food quickly turned into showers followed by bedtime. The kiddos were both tuckered out, and so were the adults which made it pretty easy to just call it a day. Now, we can’t wait for my brother to come home in order to go out there again. Next time around if we have more time, and more people we just might venture out a bit further out.
Thoughts On A Stranger
Thursday, June 14, 2018
This post was written on June 12, 2018
I’m not exactly sure what direction this post will go in. Sometimes I just have to purge some feelings, you know? And so, they get stuck here for you to read or not read. But they need to go somewhere or I’ll start to drive myself crazy with all of the overthinking. Sorry! Now, today, I need to talk about something that happened in our little town. It’s nothing out of the ordinary really. It happens all over the world. Every day. Every minute. Someone dies. Now, I know I know, you’re probably sitting there thinking “What the hell, Raquel? Why so fixated on such depressing subject matter lately?” Well, I’m sorry y’all but apparently this month was just a downer. But bear with me, okay?
On Sunday morning I woke up around 2 am to the sounds of sirens. They weren't extremely loud so I knew it wasn't on my block, but they were loud enough to know it was close. Since they woke me up I got out of bed and walked to the back door. I opened it, and I looked around. Still half asleep I shuffled outside, and just stood there quietly for a few moments listening. After a bit I made my way back in; back to my bed. I fell asleep thinking about the smell of smoke. Later that morning, around 8 am, my mother called to ask if we had power. She was at the grocery store a few blocks down the road and they were experiencing a power outage. She asked if I had seen all of the fire trucks blocking off one of the roads, and whether I knew if a transform had blown. Half asleep I responded with something along the lines of, “Yep. We have power. I heard the sirens in the middle of the night. If it was a transformer I’m sure they’re working on getting the electricity back up.” We hung up, and I went about my day like normal.
On Monday morning I saw a picture that a friend posted along with a caption about still being in disbelief, and shock. That’s when I recognized the person in the picture with her. I blinked. I scrolled further down my feed, and there was someone else talking about tragedy. I blinked. Further down there was a post from the local gym sending condolences to the family of some name that sounded familiar. What happened? Then there was the scanner page with a notice about a structure fire in our little town. At the very bottom of the post it read: ONE FATALITY RESULTING FROM THIS FIRE. There was a picture of a building that was charred on one side, and right next to it was what remained of a house. A house I knew I had driven by countless times. A house I once marked as my half way point during my runs. A house that I can now only picture as the rubble and burned piles of wood from the pictures that were posted online Monday afternoon. And no matter how hard I blink I cannot remember what it looked like before.
The first time I ran into this person was at the gym. And I literally almost ran into him. I was coming out of the women’s bathroom as he was walking into the hallway, and I was so focused on getting my playlist to work that I wasn’t looking up. By the time I did look all I saw was a chest, and I quickly jumped back. “Whoa, my bad! I’m sorry.” I took a few more steps back as I slipped my earbuds in, and then awkwardly shuffled around him. I went about my workout, and left. Now, I don't know if you know, but you can learn a lot about someone while your at the gym. And in case you haven't figured it out yet I’m not a hugely social person. So, my gym time consisted of listening to music while people watching in order to get through my workouts. And as the weeks went by I found it really interesting to see how people gravitated towards him when he’d show up. He was always focused, but if anyone came up to talk with him he would always smile. When he talked people listened, and when he was on his way out of the gym he always made sure to say "bye", and wave at everyone he knew. So, from that day forward he was “that happy gym guy” to me.
After that, I saw him around town a lot. And y’all, his face was not one that you would easily forget. He was handsome, but sometimes I wondered if he even knew it? I’d see him at the grocery store, and at Walgreen's. I’d catch glimpses of him as he drove down the road with his dogs. And just a few weeks ago, I had been sick making a last minute run to Dollar General to grab some medicine. Emery made a break for it the minute we stepped inside; running from aisle to aisle. I was sneezing, a frazzled mess, and as I rounded the corner I almost ran right smack into him yet again. He had been pensively looking at the random wine selection when I almost fell backwards in order to avoid face planting into his shoulder. As I mumbled my “excuse me” he turned to the side and smiled. When I passed by him I could smell smoke, wood, and something earthy. And as weird as it may sound, I almost wanted to ask him if it was a cologne, or body spray. Once I had grabbed everything that I needed I made my way to the checkout line. He was already there, but when he saw me coming around he said “Hey, why don’t you go ahead of me?” I shook my head and told him it was okay, but he insisted. “No, go ahead,” he said as he stepped aside for me to pass. “Thank you,” I replied. And he just smiled.
That was the last time I saw him. As I did more digging, and clicked on various articles the realization that the name did in fact belong to the guy in the picture left my stomach in knots. Less than twenty-four hours later an obituary was posted, and it was confirmed. I felt sadness, shock, and disbelief. It kind of caught me off guard. I mean, I didn’t even actually know the guy. He wasn’t someone important to me, or even someone that I spoke to. And yet here I was wishing that I had a time machine to go back, and fix things. To stop it all from happening. You see it’s people like him, who go out of their way to make others feel important -- who are kind, and smile-- that I wish we had more of in this world. Now, I could be totally wrong, and he could have been a complete jerk. But from the way others, including people that I know for a fact would not associate themselves with assholes, speak of him I have a feeling that my assumptions are correct. That he may not have been a complete saint, but he was a pretty decent human being. And as strange as this whole thing may sound to you I’m really going to miss his presence in this town. I’m going to miss seeing him at the gym, and watching the younger girls trying to get his attention. I’m going to miss seeing him driving around with his pups, and awkwardly trying to avoid causing him bodily harm with my clumsiness. But I’m also sad for the future that’s been completely taken from him. Snuffed out; just like that. I’m sad for his son, who lost a father. For his siblings, and parents. I’m sad for his friends, whose lives were made better by his friendship. And I’m sad that whatever his plans may have been, whatever steps he was taking in order to achieve his goals, they will no longer be set into motion. I’m sad for the possibility of what could have been, for him.
Now, does all of this sound weird to y’all? My reaction. I know I probably sound completely off my rocker by talking about a stranger like this. But how interesting is it that we go through life, and have certain people who affect us in such different ways? Some we don’t even really know until they aren’t there anymore. How amazing is it that people we only have these tiny moments of interaction with can lift us up by just smiling? By making kind gestures. By acknowledging that we aren’t invisible. Even on the worst days. Sitting here my only regret is that I never reciprocated. I was always so caught up with my life, my drama, and my problems. I don’t remember ever smiling back. I don’t remember ever saying bye, or nodding. You know, "the gym nod" that gym people give each other as they leave. And maybe that’s not even something he ever gave a second thought about seeing as how I was no one to him. But it made me think that I must have come off as a snobby bitch. Then as I drove home I remembered an article I once read several years ago. It was about someone who suffered from depression, but they made it a priority to smile at others every day. They said it was because we never knew who was battling demons. Who was struggling to just exist that day. And for a long time I took what that article said to heart. So I tried to do that for others. I would smile at people, and try to pay it forward as often as I could. Somewhere along the way I guess I just...stopped. Maybe not completely, but I definitely didn’t do it as often. And now that this man is gone it’s bringing it all back up. Because whether he knew it or not, he left an impression on me. In my life, he was that guy in the article. The one who always smiled. And looking back on it now it means a lot that he did. The reality of him not being here to do that anymore is leaving me with this feeling of unease. Unsettled. So, I needed to talk about this. I needed to get this out. Because he was important. And just maybe it'll show you that even when you don't think your presence is wanted or needed...you're probably still very much important to someone out there.
Thank you for your light.
💙
💙
Weight Gain & Working On Body Positivity
Monday, June 11, 2018
I keep seeing a lot of posts with phrases like “A new month means a fresh start!” Or “A new month is just another chance to set some goals and smash them!” And man do I wish I had that kind of enthusiasm. Instead, I’m over here like, “Okay, Susan, we get it. You wake up before the sun to work out, and you look fabulous. MOVE ALONG.” Currently I’m sitting in my living room eating a chocolate chunk cookie not really wanting to do much of anything. So, do with that what you will. Still, as I sit here I kind of wish I were one of “those people”. You know, the ones who have all of their shit together? The ones who wake up at 4 am to work out, have breakfast ready by 6 am, and look so perfect you’d think they were photoshopped as they drive through early morning drop off at 7:45 am. With kids who look just as equally put together. A coffee cup in hand, and a smile beaming as they wave at you. Ugh, that hurt my face just thinking about it. Alas, I am NOT one of those people. Instead, you get this:
That’s right. Take it all in. You’re welcome.
It seems like ages, but just two years ago I was down 45 lbs. My clothes fit well, and even though I wasn’t at my goal weight I felt good about myself. I liked the way that I looked which I thought was important, because I can honestly say that I hadn't felt that way about my body in a long ass time. However, that weight loss was just a by product of not eating and dealing with a lot of anxiety as well as depression. So, mentally, I was not in a good place. I had lost the majority of my weight in about three months, and any healthcare professional will tell you that losing weight that quickly isn’t the healthiest thing for anyone. But I maintained this weight for a good year with those unhealthy habits not really seeing anything wrong with it. Then at the beginning of 2017, as things began to slowly even out, I became pretty complacent with where I was at. Life was back to normal, and I was good with that. Fast forward to the end of last year when I was completely off all medications, going through some rough times yet again, and instead of suffering from anxiety I was dealing with stress. And unlike some people who use stress to push themselves, and motivate them to do better I tend to eat. Correction: I tend to eat a lot. And even though I was still working out 4x a week the number on the scale kept climbing.
Which brings us to today. We’re six months into 2018 and I’m back up to my heaviest weight. I struggle with food on the daily, and with working out consistently. Even after a month of eating nothing but salad, and grilled chicken the weight kept piling on. I struggle with getting up in the mornings, and getting a full night's sleep. Though that’s been an issue since becoming a mom so I’m not sure I can blame it on this? I don’t feel like putting on makeup or really making any kind of effort when it comes to my appearance anymore either. The weird part is that I know this, but do nothing about it. I’ve started to feel really uncomfortable in my own skin, and I feel like that has a lot to do with me not wanting to leave my house. From the moment I wake up, everything feels tight and I really hate it. I’m not just talking about my clothes either. Lately my body constantly feels bloated, and stretched to maximum capacity. Right down to my toes, y'all, and it’s miserable! Because of this I’ve resorted to only wearing jeans, and an oversized t-shirt in public because they’re the only things I feel comfortable wearing. Even in 102 degree weather. At home the “go-to” outfit is stretchy yoga pants, and an oversized t-shirt. Do you guys see a pattern here? I feel like I constantly look like I just rolled out of bed. And not in the cute sexy way all of those movies and authors portray the female leads as. More like in the “What the fuck happened to you? Are you okay?” kind of way.
And it’s not just my appearance that has suffered. Recently my shin splints flared up. Mine are permanent as I’ve had them since I was a teenager & they never went away. Yes, it's weird. Most of the time they’re fine, and I have no issues. They're just a small little squishy bump on each of my shins that would make my legs feel sore from time to time. But back in March I went for a run, and after about half a mile I started to have shooting pain going up both of my legs. The next day I found that I could barely walk, much less run, without it feeling like someone was taking a hot poker to my legs. So, after talking to some seasoned runners as well as a nurse in training I was told to stop running for at least six weeks. I needed to ice my legs at night, and take Tylenol until they "went away". Which I did. But now, as I’ve started to get back into it, I find it really hard to finish a single mile. And that’s after a month of consistently running 3x a week. It has nothing to do with leg pain either, as my shin splints are back to normal. But I’m not making any progress in mileage like I should be. It doesn’t matter how much I try I still can’t push passed 1.75 miles. It’s like a mental wall goes up, my lungs start to burn, and then my legs give out. This has never been an issue for me before. Even when I took a year off from running, when I got back to it, I was doing 2 miles pretty easily after two weeks. At a much faster pace than what I’m at now too. So, I'm not sure what's going on, but it's definitely putting a funk in my running motivation. And needless to say, but I'm gunna anyway, it's been a bit of a set back for me.
So, now comes the real question: What do I plan to do about all of this? Well, fuck if I know. In May I had started doing intermittent fasting. I’d do this during the week, and eat normal on weekends. I stuck with it for three weeks, and I felt better. I was sleeping a bit more. I wasn’t feeling as hungry, or having cravings. And in those three weeks I lost 8 pounds. But then, on our three day weekend, I sabotaged like a motherfucker. I’m not even going to sugar coat it. I had pizza, cheeseburgers, chocolate, french fries, soda, and coffee WITH cream AND sugar. On all three days. And that’s when it all went down hill for the next two weeks. Since then, it’s been a bit of a struggle to get back on the wagon. I’m still running, but there’s no real progress in that. I’ve started to make a few plans in regards to a workout schedule, but I haven’t had a lot of motivation to move forward with them. Partially because I feel like I have no energy, and another part because I just feel flat out lazy. Even right now I feel like I could really go for a nap. I’ve been told to have my thyroid checked, but I’ve already done that. In fact, I do it every year at my yearly doctor appointment. Everything always comes back fine. And recently, I’ve been thinking about being put back on my anti-anxiety medication as well as antidepressants. But that will be a discussion for another time. I’ve also considered going to a weight loss doctor that several people have sworn by that’s here locally. Just to explore my options, and to see if there isn’t something else I can do to help kick start my weight loss. Because I know I can get back to a healthy weight again. I know it's possible. I just have to figure out what to do about it. I have to figure out a way to find that drive again.
This one is hard for me to look at...
However, until that happens, the main thing I’m trying to work on is having a better relationship with food, and exercise. Because in all honesty, I look at food as punishment. “Well shit, I ate the cookie now I have to go run two miles AND do a weight session.” On the other end of the spectrum I’d tell myself “If you eat that it’s going straight to your muffin top, and then you’ll have to work out an extra thirty minutes.” I view food as something bad rather than as a source of fuel for my body. And I guess this attitude comes from being constantly told as I was growing up that if I ate too much I'd end up being fat forever. Which led to self esteem issues. I never felt like I was the "right size". There was always someone else that was skinnier, and that led to my eating issues. So, I guess you could say I’m trying to work on self love too. I’m trying to be okay with how I look in whatever state that I may be in. Whether it’s at my heaviest, or at my lightest. Though it’s been a rough go so far. But what's important is that I’m trying. Because I’ve noticed that I only have this particularly harsh outlook on weight when it comes to myself. I can see other women, in various shapes/sizes, and be in total awe of how they look. Whatever their journey is I applaud them. I’m all about celebrating the differences, and instilling body positivity in others. But when it comes to my own body, well, it’s true when they say, “You’re your own worst critic.” And I am a prime example of this. So, I feel like these are some things that I need to work on changing. I have to get my mind right before anything else can fall into place. And quite frankly, I don’t want to have that negativity swirling around in my mind as I’m trying to better myself. So here's to, hopefully, making some progress this year.
My Brother - My Hero Pt. II
Tuesday, June 5, 2018
So, back in March when I got a call from my brother I was really surprised when he told me the news. "Hey, so I joined the Army. I need my social to retake a test next week can you meet me with it? I passed this test today with flying colors they said, and the next one is a formality to make sure I didn't cheat or have help. But I'm in! I'll be off to basic in a few weeks." And everything stopped. I whooped, and hollered. Had he been standing in front of me I would have tackled him. I was so damn proud, y'all! It wasn't until I got off of the phone that I realized, "Oh, shit. He's going to be a soldier." Now maybe it's age, the fact that we've grown so much over the years, but the fear didn't grab a hold as it once had. Yes, it was still scary. But what in life isn't? If this is what my baby brother wanted then I was behind him 110%. I didn't have any doubts that he'd get through this at the top of his class. That he'd kick ass, and take names. Because he lived for this. He thrived on it. This is what gave him the feeling of purpose. And I’d be damned if anyone tried to take away the excitement I could clearly hear in his voice. So, over the course of the next few weeks we took turns visiting. One weekend we’d all go up there, and the next they’d come to see us. We all spent a lot of time together because we weren’t sure when we’d see him again. The majority of us were happy because my brother was happy. My mother, unfortunately, was a different story. I can't fault her for it. He is her only son, and the baby. But well into the second week of him being away we had to have a little conversation. It took her awhile, but she eventually accepted that this was happening. This was the future he wanted.
Which brings us to April 22nd. This was the day my brother was sent out to Fort Benning to start basic training. And when I say that the military is slow as fuck, multiply that by ten. I get that they're in basic training, and technically the Army doesn't have to allow them to contact home at all. But since they do give them certain privileges you'd think that they'd be a bit more efficient. But nooooo. So, we waited. And waited. When we finally heard some news it consisted of a twenty second phone call, and then it was radio silence again. We weren't sure if we could write, or not. If you’re familiar with basic training then you know that sometimes the guys get smoked, or have extra work attached to their already tiresome day as "punishment" when they’re sent stuff from home before it’s allowed. We didn't want to be the cause of that so we didn’t have much choice but to wait. However, this didn’t keep me from searching all over the internet for information. I found the Facebook pages, and the military pages. I downloaded PDF samples of their schedule, and estimated where I thought he was at in training. I downloaded Sandboxx, which is pricey, but also worth it, in order to send him a letter to check on him. And then, on the weekend before my nephew’s first birthday I was stuck in traffic trying to make my way up to visit my sister-in-law for a girls weekend when my mother called. “Carlos got hurt. It’s his leg. He may not be able to continue.” I held my breath -- 1…2…3…
This was the worst news. After quizzing my mom over the phone the only information I had was that they had been out in the field, and another soldier accidentally caused the injury. My brother was at a hospital, and my sister-in-law would be able to tell me more once I got there. Of course I thought it was a broken leg at the worst, or a sprain at the best. He’d walk this off, and be back at it in no time. He would be okay. Now, remember what I said about the military being slow? Yea, they work just as slow in giving answers about injuries. The silver lining was that my brother was able to call home every day while at the hospital. It wasn’t until a week later that my sister-in-law was able to tell us that his initial injury would heal, and would not be the cause of a medical discharge. But they had found something else in his x-rays that the doctor’s found troubling. This something else turned out to be an issue with his knee cap, and cartilage. It wasn’t causing any issues at the moment, but there was a problem. And they weren’t sure if my brother would be able to serve three years without causing his knee even more damage or having to have surgery. His recovery could potentially take up to a year, if not more, which would not benefit the Army whatsoever. Since that conversation we’ve been told that regardless, surgery will be in his future, it’s just not known when. Could be a few months, or could be years. So, his commanders had to have meetings. His doctor’s had to have meetings. He had to talk to several people over the course of several days in regards to his options. And then last week Kim called to let me know that after the board meeting my brother was told that he would be getting discharged. Chapter 5-11. It could take up to two months before he was sent home though. I held my breath -- 1… 2... 3...
I was lucky enough to talk to my brother several times during this whole process. And while he was laying in a hospital bed with a leg that refused to cooperate with him I asked about how training had been going. He told us stories about the other soldiers, and his sergeants. He talked to us about some funny moments, and being made fun of for his dinosaur of a cell phone. He told me about the early morning exercises, and obstacles. How they had switched him up to Mortar Company which was a promotion due to how well he was doing. He was two days shy of completing the navigation phase, and there was talks of him being platoon leader material. He let out a sigh, “It’s been fun. Basic isn’t as bad as others make it out to be. I like the other guys. I like the drill sergeants. I’m having a great time here.” The following weekend, just days before he was given the final decision, he told me that he was okay with whatever the outcome came to be. “If they decide I’m worth keeping then I’m going to finish this, and give them my all. But if they decide I’m too much of a liability, well then, I’m just happy to have been given the opportunity to try. I’m proud to have made it this far.” All weekend I was hoping for a Hail Mary. I was hoping that he could be re-classed. Or that he’d be able to come home, fix the issue, and then try again. That last one might be a possibility depending on what RE code gets stamped on his file, but it could take awhile. And by then he might have already aged out. Or he might not want to go through the process of applying for the waivers needed? I’ve read that it can be a son of a bitch. Or life could get in the way? Or he and his wife may come to the conclusion that the military life is not something they can handle as they’re getting older? And as my nephew gets older too. Maybe my brother sees this as the final sign that he should shelve the dream for good? Or time may not be his friend in the end?
So, today I’m a little heartbroken. I’m sad for my brother. Probably more so than he is because I can tell he’s taking this all in stride. “Whatever happens, happens. I’m not worried about it.” I’m just really upset that one of his dreams was within reach, and it all came crashing down due to an accident. The plus side is that we now know there’s an issue so I’m grateful for that. Still, I would have loved to see him graduate in August. I would have loved to see my baby brother stand up with the rest of his unit, serving heart on full display, and finally getting to do what he’s always wanted. I was more than willing to drop everything on my weekends to make sure his family was taken care of while he was away. So my sister-in-law wouldn’t be alone. I would have written him five letters a week the entire time he was away. I had actually already started. And I would have gladly been there to lend my support in anyway that he needed. I know this sounds a little "doom 'n' gloom" right now, and I’m focusing more on the negative. I know, y’all. It just really sucks! I really wanted this for him. He would have been amazing at it. But don't worry, I am taking stock in the good too. I just needed to let these frustrations out. I know that the most important thing right now is that he’s okay. That this issue was caught early. That he’s coming home. Though that’s a long ass process on it’s own. And whatever he decides to go after next I can only hope that I’ll be here to cheer him on from the sidelines. And no matter what, Carlos, you’ll always be my hero. I love you, you long legged freak of nature. Here’s to the next adventure!
My Brother - My Hero Pt. I
Monday, June 4, 2018
TRIGGER WARNING: SELF INJURY, DEPRESSION, AND SUICIDE ARE ADDRESSED IN THIS POST.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
