Random Thoughts // One - Twenty One - Twenty

Today, I'm not going to write about one specific thing. I don’t want to think about anything for too long either, really. Not today. My head hurts, and coffee isn't even touching it. And, to be quite honest, I’m not feeling up to writing very much this evening. So, I’m just going to jot down some random thoughts as they come to me. See where it takes us… 

This weekend was a doozy. Emotionally speaking anyways. My overthinking, and fight or flight instincts tend to kick in at their highest when I feel very insecure about whatever it is that I’m currently going through. When I’m not 100% sure of where I stand with people I start to feel like I’m a burden and then I do everything I can to put up walls. To cut people off. And I’ve noticed that right at the end of my cycle I also tend to get anxious. I feel the tension throughout my entire body and I feel it in waves. Now, I’ve only been putting attention to this since December so I can’t say for certain, but I believe there’s definitely a pattern. I plan on keeping track over the next few months so I guess we’ll see.

While I was dealing with a lot of emotional stuff over the weekend I did my best to leave it all in the church pew on Sunday night. I didn’t want to walk out of there with so much heaviness on my chest. “There’s too much noise, it’s getting to be too much. Please, please take some of it away.” We were some of the last few people to exit the church when my uncle came over and said a little prayer for me. When I opened my eyes I looked around and just felt so blessed to have so many understanding people in my life. I appreciate every single one of them and I know I don’t tell them enough. Sometimes I allow anxiety and depression to dictate my decisions and how I live my life which can be really frustrating for the people who care about me. I know that during some of those slumps I’m not the best company. That I can be difficult to deal with. I know that I can be this ball of toxic energy and it’s normal for people to want to distance themselves from that. Believe me, I totally get it. So, I’m super grateful to all of those who have stood by me through it all. My mom, who kisses my forehead and tells me everything will be okay. My dad, who goes to the gym with me and pushes me to go harder when he can tell I need to work through some stuff. My sister-in-law who listens to EVERY. SINGLE. THING. I have to say. My brother, who's constantly telling me that I'm doing a good job. Even when I know I could do better. My best friend who deals with her own shit on the west coast but still finds time to send me a message about how much she loves me. My other best friend who has a hard time showing people that he cares but when I really need him, shows up. I mean, I have a really, really great group of family, y’all. And I can't thank them enough for all that they do for me. For my daughter. For us.

Yesterday morning, I got some news about a friend of mine that made me want to cry. It also made me really mad at the same time. I had no idea which one to do first. This entire weekend I had this bad feeling in my stomach. Knots. Their name kept popping up in conversation, but when I would reach out I wasn’t getting a response. This isn’t unusual so I just dismissed it. But yesterday morning I was informed about what had happened the week before and my mind went to all of the worst-case scenarios almost immediately. I felt my stomach drop, and there was this mix of fear and panic racing through my thoughts. Like I had just come really close to having someone snatched away. Losing them in a permanent way. And I wasn’t ready. I hadn’t given my permission so it wasn’t allowed, didn’t they know that?! As if I'd ever have a say in that. But then I talked myself down. As I was given more information about the situation I kept reminding myself that they were still here. They hadn’t gone anywhere. Instead, I told myself to be grateful. To be a good friend. "Everything is okay. They're okay." I was finally able to get in contact with them and made arrangements to pay a visit that evening. And when I finally walked through their door I felt the tension I had been holding all day finally leave. They were, in fact, okay; safe. When my mind finally calmed down I unapologetically told them how reckless their actions had been. How they affected me and everyone else that cared about them. Because they needed to hear it. I explained how I was so damn grateful that they were sitting right there beside me and that I could hug them. "We have so many more years to go! Don't you dare put that at risk.", I kept expressing. Over and over. Finally, as I left for the night all I could do was pray with everything that I had, that this would be a lesson learned. That this would be a wake up call. I don't  ever want there to be a "next time". Because...we still have so many more years to go.

And this seems like a good stopping point for now. Today was such a long day that started out with one major headache. And all I can think about is sleeping. Anyway, I hope this didn’t give you too much whiplash. Until the next post! Be safe. 

Getting Help and Feeling Better

For a while now I’ve felt my depression creeping up on me. Especially in the quiet moments. So, I kept myself busy. I turned to my usual coping techniques. And for the most part, I kept a lot of it at bay. I dragged my ass out of bed every morning, shook off the sadness, and kept moving forward. Sometimes with a smile; sometimes not so much. I surrounded myself with family, and I’ve done my best to stay positive. But the last week of October I felt everything intensify a bit. My normal stress & depression management techniques were no longer working. I cried; a lot. I felt really alone, even when I knew that I wasn’t. I had moments when I didn’t even want to leave my room. And even though there was a lot I felt happy about; there was like this feeling of sadness that hung over me. Financially, I was finally getting some breathing room so I felt that particular stressor starting to ease a bit. But then, I got the news about the car. And it just felt like for every step forward I made I was taking three leaps backward. So, that’s when I decided to make an appointment with my medical doctor and keep it regardless of how much it was going to cost.

If you’ve been reading this blog for a while then you know I talk a lot about seeking help when you need it. I’m a huge supporter of counseling and therapy. I also think that medications are a great tool to help you get back to being balanced. To feeling better. Whether it’s short term or long term, I say get the help that YOU need. However, that still didn’t stop me from feeling a bit of shame as I walked into my doctor’s building. I honestly couldn’t believe that I wasn’t able to handle all of my emotions and mental state on my own. “C’mon, Raquel, how many times are we going to go through this?” I kept thinking to myself. But then, my doctor walked in. She sat down with me and we talked for about forty-five minutes. We covered everything, y’all. My personal life, work schedule, how I was feeling, what I normally do to keep things in check, and she had me walk her through what an anxiety attack felt like for me this time around. And as I sat there letting everything spill out I actually started crying. “Do you see this? I have no idea why I’m crying right now, but it happens a lot,” I told her. She gave me a hug and told me everything was going to be okay. And all be damned if I didn’t feel some weight lift off of my shoulders. We talked about my previous medication plan, what goals I was wanting to reach, and based off of that she suggested that we stick with the previous plan. I had some blood work done, and then she sent me on my way.

It’s been a week now and I feel so much better, y’all. SO. MUCH. BETTER. I’m sleeping through the nights. I haven’t had a random crying session since that day at the office. I feel more in control of myself. There isn’t this lingering sadness that stains my days. The little things are not bothering me, and even though I’m a worrier I’ve been able to keep it from stressing me out. I can tell that I’m thinking clearer, and I actually feel mentally lighter if that makes sense? So, now that my medication has kicked in I’ll be working on getting back into a workout routine. And I‘ll start back up with my coping/ self-care techniques. Rereading some books that have helped me out tremendously when I go through times like these. And overall, just focusing on getting back to healthy. Both mentally and physically.

So, now I just want to end this post by saying: If you think you need some help, please go get it. Whether it’s a seasonal thing, or something way more serious and intense. Make the call. Talk to your doctor, or find a counselor. There are so many programs out there that will help you out, and several services that are income based. You don’t have to live life feeling like everything is hopeless. Like you’re drowning. There are short-term plans, and longer ones tailored to your specific needs. But it’s up to you. Be open; be honest. Put in the work. And fuck what anyone else thinks. Getting help, and wanting to feel better should never be something that you’re made to feel ashamed of.

Mental Illness Awareness

Lately, I’ve done my best to remain positive but I'd be lying if I said it's been smooth sailing. Financially things are messy. Isn’t that always the case though? As you've probably read, my weight loss has been non-existent, which is really starting to become a concern. I find that I’m always tired, and it goes beyond just in a physical way. I’ve noticed a few drastic mood swings that occur once or twice a month too. Though that could just be a bad case of PMS. Still, I do my best to keep a positive outlook. I know that things will be okay. I know that eventually, my hard work will pay off. I know that no matter what I am going through that there's a light at the end of the tunnel. Because life has taught me that everything will eventually pass. And I need to find joy in the little moments just as much as in the big ones. Whether it be cuddling in bed with my daughter as we watch her favorite movie, or throwing caution to the wind and eating chocolate cake for breakfast. I promise that doesn't happen often. Whether it's staying in I need to do more of what makes me happy. Either way, I do my best to keep the negative out and move forward.

But there are days, y’all. Days when I find it really hard to get through anything without having a meltdown. Days when I want to close myself off from everyone. Days when I get so emotional that I find myself sobbing in the middle of my bedroom floor. Or the drive home from work. There are days when a lot of what I’m going through makes me feel hopeless and helpless. Moments when I feel completely unlovable. Even though I know, in my mind, that this is not the case. There are days when my emotions sometimes take the lead, and I feel like I'm drowning. So, when all of this starts happening more frequently its how I know that I’m reaching a point where I need to seek out some help. To achieve some balance. I'm aware that there could be a number of other issues that are making me feel like this. A hormone imbalance or my thyroid could possibly be the culprits. And even though I had everything checked out just two years ago (my labs came back fine) these are issues that could be fine one year and not the next. But it could also be that my anxiety, depression, and/or stress are starting to surface again. It could be because of the season change or a cycle I normally have. It may be time for me to talk to my doctor, or schedule an appointment with my counselor. All I really know for sure is that there’s something that feels off, there are several factors, and I need to find some answers. In the end, what this all boils down to is me finally scheduling the appointments necessary to figure it all out. Or bust out my favorite coping techniques to get me through it to see if they'll help.

Now, this week is *Mental Illness Awareness week. And because of this I wanted to take some time today to just put it out there that sometimes we need help. And that’s okay. Sometimes we need to take medicine, short-term or long-term, in order to get back to feeling like ourselves. And that’s okay. Sometimes we just need to talk things out with an unbiased third party in order to get a different perspective. And that’s okay too. None of this makes you weak. None of this makes you less than. If you can get by without any of this stuff then that's great too! It's what I'm striving for, long term. To be fully in control of how I deal with things and how I feel. But don't think for one second that I haven't worked hard, or that it hasn't taken years for me to get to this point. That I haven't had help, or been placed on medication before. Just know that self-care is as important to your well being as it is to others around you. I can’t tell you enough about how amazing it is to have so many options available in order to seek out help. Whether it’s by phone, by internet, or in person. I'm personally a big fan of counselling. So, whatever help it is that you may need during the rough times, get it. If you ever want to talk I'm just an email away too. Let these resources help you. There’s no shame in it, and don’t you ever let anyone make you feel like there is.

*if you'd like to learn more about mental illness awareness and how you can help please visit NAMI.org

Weight Loss - Weigh In - September 2018

September has been a month of adjustments. The little started having homework in the afternoons, and also having reading assignments which she doesn’t always want to stay on top of. We also had to change her pickup schedule because of new rules that the school has in place. I’m not even mad because it’s for their safety. I’ve been trying to work as many hours as I can this month because October is bringing in some added expenses. Em will be having a palatal expander put in her mouth soon, and since we don’t have insurance (much less a dental plan) everything is going to be out of pocket. Such is life though, right? Thankfully, we’ve had help. Without it I wouldn’t be putting in 40 hours per week at work, or able to get Emery to her afternoon lessons on time. I’ve still managed to stick with a workout schedule, but as you’ll see in this month’s stats below it just hasn’t done much for me.

Starting Weight (SW): 189 lbs
Current Weight (CW): 184.6 lbs
Goal Weight (GW): 160 lbs

This was the last month of me doing intermittent fasting. It just hasn’t worked for me anymore. The first few months I felt great, and lost about 5 lbs in two weeks. But it’s been several months now with no progress whatsoever. I had cut back on a lot of foods, and only indulged on one meal per week. Usually it landed on a Saturday or when we had a meal with my family during the week. However, I didn’t go overboard. I always portioned food out, and made sure to drink a minimum of six cups of water per day. I don’t drink sweet tea unless it’s with the cheat meal. Unfortunately, it doesn’t look like any of this is working in my favor. So this week I started incorporating a snack in between coffee for breakfast, and lunch at 12. Starting next Monday I’ll be back to a regular eating schedule that will go something like: Breakfast- Coffee & breakfast bar/yogurt, Lunch- Salad & Fruit, Dinner- Small portion meal or protein shake with fruits & veggies. I’m hoping that this will help me stay full throughout the day so that I don’t have an urge to snack. I’m also wanting to increase my water intake to a minimum of eight cups per day.

My activity level has been consistent. I work out for forty five minutes to an hour 4x’s a week. Sometimes five. I mix it up with cardio and weight lifting, and every week the order changes so that my body doesn’t get used to it. My goal is to leave the gym drenched in sweat at the end of each session. For the most part I achieve this unless its on a day when I just focus on weight lifting. I’ve been able to increase how much I press, and squat by ten pounds this month so I was pretty stoked on that. Still, since the last weigh in I haven’t even lost a full pound. This has been super discouraging, and has left me feeling really fucking frustrated. Because of this I’ve been making it a point to immediately change into my workout clothes as soon as I get home in order to make myself go to the gym. I’ve found that this method helps me to stay on track rather than make excuses. Do you know how hard it is to get in and out of a sports bra when you’re my size? There’s no way I’m putting in that much effort and NOT getting in a workout. This routine has been really helpful on days when I just want to throw in the towel. For the month of October I want to focus on deadlifts, increasing my mileage, and to start using the actual flat bench press rather than the assisted one.

Mentally, I’ve been all over the place which I feel is working against me. My stress level is about the same, but for some reason my anxiety feels a lot worse. And it’s not consistent anymore either. Before there were signs, or little tells. My anxiety would come in waves, but I was able to keep myself from having an anxiety attack. Or at the very least keep it to a minimum. Recently it’s all been surfacing pretty randomly, and without warning. It’s as if I feel fine one minute, and the next thing I know I’m freaking out. Some days I don’t want to get out of bed, or interact with others either. I make myself because I know that a lot of this is just a mental thing. But recently it’s been a struggle to calm myself down when I start to feel the anxiety coming on. And sometimes I have a hard time remembering that everything will be okay; that the panic will dissipate. So, it’s because of this that I’ve been thinking about scheduling a doctor’s visit in the next week or so. It’s been a little over two years since the last time I was put on medication. And like I stated in my CBD oil review I’d really like to find an alternative to antidepressants & anxiety medication. But since I live in Texas, where the majority of these alternatives are considered illegal, I feel like I should talk to my doctor about getting back on my “three month” plan to help balance me out again. After the three months, I’m weaned off, and I usually feel about 80% better. Like I'm regaining some mental stability, if you will? And right now I feel like that’s something that I really need.

Overall, September was a very discouraging month in the weight loss department. When I stepped on the scale yesterday morning and saw that there was no movement I sat on my bathroom floor crying. I know I said that I’d be okay with the slow progress, but I’ll be honest with y’all-- this totally sucks. To spend a whole month busting my ass, giving it 100%, and to come up with nothing? It definitely brings on some deep feelings of failure. Of hopelessness. On a positive note though I was able to stop taking sleep aids. And since I’ve started doing cardio consistently I feel like I sleep better too. My bedtime is between 10-11 pm, and I only wake up about twice throughout the night. With the exception of one night when I didn’t go to bed until 3:45 AM due to severe anxiety I feel like I can claim this one as a win. So, that’s about it for September. My goals for October are to drop five pounds, increase mileage, and to start working on different weight lifting techniques. I'm trying my best to stay focused on what I've accomplished so far too. Technically, since April of this year my total weight loss has been 10 lbs which is better than nothing. I'm trying to stay motivated, and train myself to keep pushing through. Even on the hard days. And I'm optimistic for everything that will come in October. So here’s to the next month, y’all!

Charlotte’s Web #HempOil - An Honest “Review”

Before we get started with the review I wanted to give you three bits of information I think are important to be upfront about. One: CBD oil comes from the marijuana plant. There’s no getting around that. Hemp oil comes from the hemp plant. Yes, there is a difference. Two: No. It’s NOT legal in all fifty states. Depending on where you live you could find yourself with a nice fine or even risk jail time if you’re caught with it. Do your research. And three: Depending on the mg amount, your water consumption, activity level, AND just your body in general there is a possibility you could pop positive on a drug test. Though the majority of the lower mg products contain less than .3% THC there have been reports of people failing drug tests, and getting in trouble with their employers. So, depending on the state that you live in, and the employment policies your workplace has I’d definitely proceed with caution.

Now, I’m still a little confused as to the whole “CBD Oil” vs. “Hemp Oil” label thing. Their are several companies that originally had their products labeled as CBD Oil, but within the passed year they've switched over to Hemp Extract Oil. If you didn’t know there was a difference between marijuana and hemp here’s a great article that breaks it down for you. When I threw out some questions to the CBD community over on Twitter I was given several different answers. But the majority of them talked about a loophole for companies to be able to sell their products to all fifty states if it was labeled as “hemp”. So, do with that what you will. And little of my background history for you before we dive into the effects: I was officially diagnosed with depression at a young age, and then anxiety a few years ago. I’ve been on medication off and on for a handful of years because for the most part I can manage it on my own. I’m also a huge fan of therapy, and counselling. However, as I’ve gotten older I’ve noticed that I’m not fond of the whole “trial & error” process that comes with needing to find my right dosage, and strength when the time comes for me to start my medication again. So, that’s when I started looking into alternatives. A way to possibly not need medication again if I could keep things in check consistently. This is when CBD (Cannabidiol) oil was mentioned to me by a friend who lives in a state where marijuana is legal. I started looking into the benefits, and then I came across an article over on POPSUGAR that talked about how CBD oil basically "demolished" the author's anxiety so I was intrigued to say the least. But with everything going on in my life at the time I wasn’t sure if this was an option for me. I ended up putting the idea off on the back burner for awhile.

Then, one afternoon back in June, I was told that our local health food store had started to sell CBD oil. It turned out to actually be hemp oil. After a particularly rough day I found myself pulling into their parking lot and walked back out with a bottle of bluebird hemp complete. It tasted like crap, y’all. I mean really awful. But I stuck with it. After two weeks of taking 1-2 dropper fulls a day I realized that this was NOT helping at all. I was having a lot of anxiety, and I was still unable to sleep through the night. So, I stopped taking it. As luck would have it though, the following week a friend of mine gave me a bottle of Charlotte’s Web Everyday Plus in Mint Chocolate that they were no longer using. I thanked them for it, and decided to give the oil another go. And that's what brings us to today! This is not my first time hearing about this brand, but it's the first time I had heard that they offered CBD products. Charlotte’s Web by the Stanley Brothers has several different products that they offer which vary from oils, to capsules, to creams. They even have some items for pets too! And as I mentioned before they are one of the many companies that have recently changed the product name as well as their labels. So even though mine says “Everyday Plus” it’s now called “Hemp Extract Oil Plus”, and that’s what I’ll be addressing it as. They state that their products help maintain:

Support for normal, everyday stresses* 

Healthy recovery from exercise* 

Support a sense of calm for focus*

The Extract Oil Plus in Mint Chocolate tastes pretty good to me. They also offer it in Olive Oil if chocolate isn’t your thing. The oil is smooth, and it’s not bitter or grainy feeling. You can take it on it’s own, in coffee, a smoothie, or a protein shake if you’d like. It comes in a 30 ml or 100 ml size bottle. Depending on the size and strength you get these can cost anywhere between $40-$275. The one I have is in a 30 ml bottle, contains 28 mg of hemp extract per serving, and costs $75. So yes, these do cost a pretty penny. Also, the servings per container says 30, but the recommended dosage is two 1 ml (dropper full) per day. This means that it technically only comes with enough for 15 servings. That's not even enough for thirty days which is a red flag for me. Now, all of that aside, does this product actually work? Well, for me the answer was kind of. I took half a dropper (.5ml) twice a day. During the first week, I started to sleep for longer periods throughout the night. Where once I had been waking up 4+ times a night I was now only waking up once or twice. I also noticed that it helped with muscle soreness. After one pretty strenuous work out I woke up feeling really stiff the next morning. I mean, I was walking around like I had shit my pants or something. I know you know what I’m talking about. It hurt just getting up out of my chair, and walking a few feet to the printer at work. So, on that day I took an extra half dose and my muscles felt so much better by the time I had to hit the track later that afternoon. I was honestly really surprised by that. By week two I could tell that I wasn't feeling so stressed out when it came to little stuff. However, the downside is that by the end of week three my dosage had to be increased. Sometimes my anxiety felt worse if I missed a day too. And if I took my second dose of the day too early I would still have sleep issues. So, I had to start taking it around 9 or 10 pm. The only thing it was still helping me with consistently, regardless of the dosage, was recovery after workouts. And by the fourth week, that was the only benefit I was getting anymore. I continued taking it until I finished the bottle, but I felt like I would have to buy the next level up to get anymore benefits. And with such a high price tag, it just didn’t seem worth it to me at all.

So, overall I would say that this particular product would be great for people who suffer from stress only. And it’s absolutely wonderful for muscle recovery as well so I think athletes would definitely benefit from it. But for those of us who suffer from depression, anxiety, or both I believe this is entirely too weak to do much of anything. Not to mention that it’s really really expensive. After talking to a few people I was told that the Stanley Brothers do produce some great products, but the price tag could have a lot more to do with the name than anything else. Since then, I've sampled a few other products and have found some that I'd like to try in the future. Thankfully, I have a boss who understands why I'm trying to find an alternative so it's not an issue for me work wise. I'm hoping that one day I'll be able to find a healthy balance between exercise, food consumption, and an oil/capsule supplement that will help me stay off of prescription medication for good. And it's not just about disliking medication because I'm totally grateful to have them. They helped me out tremendously during some of my lowest points. It's more about being aware of what I'm putting into my body, how it's affects me long term, and wanting something that will help me get to a place where I can manage my issues on my own full time. Because I want to be in control of my own mind, and I don't want to let my emotions take the lead. That is what I'm ultimately after. 

What about you? Do you suffer from anxiety or any other mental health issues? Have you found something that works for you? Any other thoughts, or research for me to look at in regards to CBD oil? Ever thought about giving CBD oil a try? I'm all ears, and totally open to recommendations. You know how to reach me.

Weight Loss - Weigh In - August 2018

Hey Everyone! Can you believe tomorrow will be the first of September?! We've had a pretty great start to the school year over here, and we're finally narrowing down a pickup schedule for the little. Next week her after school activities start up, and she's ready to go. Because of this I'm having to rearrange my workout schedule, and shift things around. Still, I'm committed to sticking with this, and if it means having to do a late night workout once or twice a week then so be it. No excuses anymore. Now, let's jump right into my end of the month stats shall we? 

Starting Weight (SW): 189 lbs
Current Weight (CW): 184.8 lbs
Goal Weight (GW): 160 lbs

I've modified my approach to intermittent fasting, yet again. At first I was seeing some great results in regards to decrease in sugar cravings, and not getting as hungry during the day as I used to. So, I thought that intermittent fasting was starting to work for me. However, after a month of this I started to notice that I was constantly swelling after my workouts during the five days that I would fast. My hands, my feet, and sometimes my face. And even though at first I felt like my mind was clearer and more focused it soon felt like I was constantly zoning out. I felt a bit sluggish, and always wanted to take a nap. Even after having coffee. So, this week I switched it up to 3 days on/1 day off, and my fasting window has shifted (9 pm-11 am). I'm still eating mainly fruits and veggies during the day. My coffee intake has gone down to one cup every other day. This has been rough. My water intake has increased to 10 cups per day, and I'm slowly cutting back on how much sweet tea I allow myself to have.

My activity level has stayed about the same. I make sure to workout for 45 minutes at least five times a week. I've been alternating between the gym, and track sessions. My upper body strength is in need of a lot of work, and I hope that I can make some progress in that area this month. I've been able to increase my lifting weight so I'm pleased with that. When it comes to running I've been having a harder time though. I get tired really easily, and my shin splints have been really bothering me lately. Taping is a must when I go running or use the elliptical. Which means it's definitely time for new running shoes. I did try to do kickboxing at the beginning of this month, but during the class I almost passed out. I lost all color, my mouth was white, and my heart rate went down. It happened right during the middle of the class, and someone there who works as an EMS for the city checked me out (vitals and all). Now, I haven't gone to the doctor, but all of these symptoms remind me of when I became anemic several years ago. It seems to kick in or get out of balance when I become overweight. So, I've started taking vitamins with iron, and drinking water with nuun tabs. Here's hoping that this helps fix the issue. Otherwise I'll be having to pay a visit to my doctor soon. Next week I'll be attempting the class again because I really do enjoy it so fingers crossed I'm able to make it through with no issues. Overall, there's been a little bit of progress in the fitness area so I'm not too down about that. 

One of the major things I do want to focus on this month is my stress level. As I mentioned last month I started taking CBD oil to see if it would help. We're getting down to the last few servings, and I've got some mixed feelings about it. Recently, my dad said "Raquel, I see how hard you're working. Why does there seem to be no change? Even if you weren't eating that great, you should still be losing something." We talked about what all I was doing, and went over my meal logs. And he's right, there should be more change than what I'm seeing. Once we looked everything over he told me that I seemed really stressed and tense all of the time which might be causing more harm. So, I did a little digging online, and now I'm pretty much convinced that stress/anxiety/depression have all played major factors in not seeing much of a scale change. My sleep has also been all over the place lately. I've been trying to limit my consumption of over the counter sleep-aids during the week, but on the nights that I do get 6+ hours of sleep it's almost always because I've taken one. The plan for now is to take this 3-day Labor Day weekend to try and "detox" off of them. Apparently, it doesn't matter how hard you work if you're constantly stressing and getting very little sleep.

So, those are technically my only two goals for this upcoming month. It's been more than frustrating though. There are days when I just want to give up. "FUCK IT" I think to myself. What's the point of sticking with it when you only lose 2 lbs a month (at most)? What's the point if I yo-yo between those few pounds? But then I take a step back, and no matter how sorry I feel for myself or how much I don't want to keep going I still put on my workout gear. I head out, and push through. Someday's I don't give it my all. Some days I give 110%. The important thing to me is that I at least get out there. Even on days when I'm feeling depressed. So, If I can lose some weight this next month while in the process of getting my anxiety/sleep under control that would be great. If not, I'll still consider improvement in those areas a win. Here's to September, y'all! 

Reminder - Breathe

It's a new month, y'all! And thankfully, it's Friday. This weekend will probably be one of the last semi-free ones we get for a while. I still have some housework to do around here, and hopefully, an odd job with my dad will come up soon because we could use some extra money. We'll be attempting to get school supplies this weekend as well, and I'm praying that they have everything at one single store. Last year we had to grab things from three different locations over the course of a week because they kept running out. We're also hoping to take a last minute trip to New Mexico with my family before the little starts school. My brother wants to hike/summit Wheeler Peak and of course, it wouldn't be a memorable trip unless the entire family joined in. And finally, I'm not exactly sure if we're going to fit in one last summer camp next week, or just save the money for after-school lessons the little wants to take this year. Do y'all know how expensive it is to just get started with gymnastics?! I mean, damn does that cost a pretty penny...

All of that said I feel like August is going to be a very busy month. And a pretty expensive one too. As soon as I started to calculate costs for everything that would need to be paid this month all of these negative thoughts started racing around in my mind. I almost had a bit of an anxiety attack as I sat in my cubicle. How was I going to pay for all of this? We only have three weeks left before school starts. I started to dwell on my shortcomings, and that led me to feel really overwhelmed. I was almost on the brink of tears as I thought about what I was going to do. What I would need to sacrifice yet again just to swing everything. And that's the moment I realized I needed to take a step back, and just breathe. Deep, even breaths. After about five minutes I slowly started coming down off of the ledge. I refused to let all of the negative take over. And I didn't want to start off a new day, or a new month with a panic attack. 

So today, I just wanted to remind you to breathe. Whatever you're going through right now just take a few minutes to breathe. If you're having a rough time, or a bad day remember that it's not forever. If you suffer from anxiety, or panic attacks try some of these coping techniques listed in this article. If you don't suffer from anything at all, and the day is all sunshine and rainbows for ya well you can still remember to breathe. Or maybe reach out to someone you know that's having a hard time, or that you know deals with a mental illness. Sometimes just being there is help enough. If it's a normal day for you then maybe take a few minutes to appreciate the balance you have. Do something nice for someone, or donate a few dollars towards your local supermarket's charity of the month. But overall remember that everything is going to be okay, and even on the worst day you can find something to be grateful for if you really look. So, breathe. Slow, even breaths. You've got this, and YOU will be okay. Now go out and seize the day or some shit...

📷: Found through a Google search. No idea who made it.

Weight Loss - Weigh In - July 2018

So, back in June I talked a little about my feelings in regards to my weight. And a bit on body positivity. I’ve done a little bit of “research” lately to kind of try, and pinpoint what my “issues” are. Because I wish I could say that things have gotten better, but they haven't. And before we get too into this let me just say that I’m not anorexic or bulimic. I don’t binge eat either. But I do feel like I have a slight combination of body dysmorphia and disordered eating. Not on the extreme spectrum where I feel like I constantly look in the mirror at all of my flaws. But more on the, no matter how hard I work I’m not happy with how I look. So, I avoid going out and I hate my picture being taken. On the disordered eating side of things I’m still having a hard time not associating food with exercise. I often get anxiety over this too. For example: If I eat a whole candy bar, that’s not on my cheat day, as soon as I’m done I start thinking about how much extra time I have to add to my workout in order to burn those extra calories. Now the reason why I don’t think it’s THAT bad is because some days I go through with adding the extra time, and others I just say “fuck it” and don’t even worry about it. That's a win, right? Still, it’s taken some time to get my mind to not go there as often as it did before. And it’s taken some work to counter the negative thoughts with more positive ones.

Now, here’s why it can get frustrating for me. Three weeks ago I started to decrease my coffee/caffeine intake. I also started to drink a minimum of eight cups of water per day. Then the next two weeks I started a workout schedule of 30-60 minutes a day for a minimum of four days a week. I continued with intermittent fasting (5 days on/two days off), and incorporated more fruits/veggies with every meal. On days when I would allow myself to indulge (once a week) I would only choose one item. So for instance, if I wanted to eat at Burger King, I would only allow myself to have a burger. No fries. Or if I wanted a candy bar I would split it in two, and give someone else the other half. This allowed me to feel like I wasn’t depriving myself of anything. And while I felt great about what I was putting into my body, and how I felt after my workouts the scale did not budge. That’s right, after two weeks of putting in some hard work the scale read the exact same. And technically, it went up a pound the first week & then dropped back down a pound by this morning when I weighed myself. Which logged me in at the exact same weight I had been sitting at three weeks ago. Do you see how discouraging that is for me?

I know that this could be me losing inches, and gaining muscle. I know that this could be water weight. I know that this could just be my body’s way of telling me that I need to switch some things up. But it’s hard to keep a positive attitude when you look at all of the hard work that you put into something, and then have no visual progress. It’s down right maddening! And for about an hour after that last weigh-in I almost gave up. I almost told myself to quit because it doesn’t feel worth it to give up a lot of the stuff you like; only to have no weight loss. But I had to talk myself down from that ledge. I had to remind myself that I was working on fueling myself with better foods rather than sugar and caffeine. I told myself I needed to look at non-scale victories before throwing in the towel. That if I just stuck with this, eventually, the changes would come. 

So, I’ve decided to start a monthly log-in here on my blog. Starting with today. At the end of each month I’ll write a bit about how I’m feeling, what my current weight is, a current photograph, some non-scale related progress, and any changes that I’ve noticed. If any at all. I feel like this will be a great way for me to stay focused. To stay accountable. And to help me keep a positive attitude. Now, they won't normally be this long. I'm sorry.  But here goes: 

Starting Weight (SW): 189 lbs 

Current Weight (CW): 189 lbs

Goal Weight (GW): 160 lbs

I'm down to one cup of coffee per day during the work week. My cutoff time for my caffeine consumption is 2 pm. I've also been aiming to be in bed by 9 pm every night, and asleep by 10 pm. Right now my average fall asleep time is between 10:30-11 pm. Last week I started taking some CBD oil to help with my anxiety, and sleep schedule. I plan on reviewing it later. I feel like both of those are contributing to my lack of weight loss. I hope this oil helps with decreasing my stress, and allowing me to get some consistent sleep. Right now I average 5 - 6 hours off/on. This afternoon will be my first day to incorporate a kickboxing class into my weekly workouts since the last time I attempted it a few years ago. I'm excited, and a little nervous. I have bladder issues, and I'm hoping I don't have to stop too many times during the class in order to not pee my pants. Thank you, childbirth. I've been able to run more laps, and my pace has improved by about 30 seconds. Shin splints are still flaring up, but I now tape as well as take Tylenol when they start to hurt. Overall though, I'm feeling a bit discouraged due to lack of scale movement in the past two weeks. I'm trying to keep a positive attitude though.

Weight Gain & Working On Body Positivity

I keep seeing a lot of posts with phrases like “A new month means a fresh start!” Or “A new month is just another chance to set some goals and smash them!” And man do I wish I had that kind of enthusiasm. Instead, I’m over here like, “Okay, Susan, we get it. You wake up before the sun to work out, and you look fabulous. MOVE ALONG.” Currently I’m sitting in my living room eating a chocolate chunk cookie not really wanting to do much of anything. So, do with that what you will. Still, as I sit here I kind of wish I were one of “those people”. You know, the ones who have all of their shit together? The ones who wake up at 4 am to work out, have breakfast ready by 6 am, and look so perfect you’d think they were photoshopped as they drive through early morning drop off at 7:45 am. With kids who look just as equally put together. A coffee cup in hand, and a smile beaming as they wave at you. Ugh, that hurt my face just thinking about it. Alas, I am NOT one of those people. Instead, you get this:

That’s right. Take it all in. You’re welcome.

It seems like ages, but just two years ago I was down 45 lbs. My clothes fit well, and even though I wasn’t at my goal weight I felt good about myself. I liked the way that I looked which I thought was important, because I can honestly say that I hadn't felt that way about my body in a long ass time. However, that weight loss was just a by product of not eating and dealing with a lot of anxiety as well as depression. So, mentally, I was not in a good place. I had lost the majority of my weight in about three months, and any healthcare professional will tell you that losing weight that quickly isn’t the healthiest thing for anyone. But I maintained this weight for a good year with those unhealthy habits not really seeing anything wrong with it. Then at the beginning of 2017, as things began to slowly even out, I became pretty complacent with where I was at. Life was back to normal, and I was good with that. Fast forward to the end of last year when I was completely off all medications, going through some rough times yet again, and instead of suffering from anxiety I was dealing with stress. And unlike some people who use stress to push themselves, and motivate them to do better I tend to eat. Correction: I tend to eat a lot. And even though I was still working out 4x a week the number on the scale kept climbing. 

Which brings us to today. We’re six months into 2018 and I’m back up to my heaviest weight. I struggle with food on the daily, and with working out consistently. Even after a month of eating nothing but salad, and grilled chicken the weight kept piling on. I struggle with getting up in the mornings, and getting a full night's sleep. Though that’s been an issue since becoming a mom so I’m not sure I can blame it on this? I don’t feel like putting on makeup or really making any kind of effort when it comes to my appearance anymore either. The weird part is that I know this, but do nothing about it. I’ve started to feel really uncomfortable in my own skin, and I feel like that has a lot to do with me not wanting to leave my house. From the moment I wake up, everything feels tight and I really hate it. I’m not just talking about my clothes either. Lately my body constantly feels bloated, and stretched to maximum capacity. Right down to my toes, y'all, and it’s miserable! Because of this I’ve resorted to only wearing jeans, and an oversized t-shirt in public because they’re the only things I feel comfortable wearing. Even in 102 degree weather. At home the “go-to” outfit is stretchy yoga pants, and an oversized t-shirt. Do you guys see a pattern here? I feel like I constantly look like I just rolled out of bed. And not in the cute sexy way all of those movies and authors portray the female leads as. More like in the “What the fuck happened to you? Are you okay?” kind of way.

And it’s not just my appearance that has suffered. Recently my shin splints flared up. Mine are permanent as I’ve had them since I was a teenager & they never went away. Yes, it's weird. Most of the time they’re fine, and I have no issues. They're just a small little squishy bump on each of my shins that would make my legs feel sore from time to time. But back in March I went for a run, and after about half a mile I started to have shooting pain going up both of my legs. The next day I found that I could barely walk, much less run, without it feeling like someone was taking a hot poker to my legs. So, after talking to some seasoned runners as well as a nurse in training I was told to stop running for at least six weeks. I needed to ice my legs at night, and take Tylenol until they "went away". Which I did. But now, as I’ve started to get back into it, I find it really hard to finish a single mile. And that’s after a month of consistently running 3x a week. It has nothing to do with leg pain either, as my shin splints are back to normal. But I’m not making any progress in mileage like I should be. It doesn’t matter how much I try I still can’t push passed 1.75 miles. It’s like a mental wall goes up, my lungs start to burn, and then my legs give out. This has never been an issue for me before. Even when I took a year off from running, when I got back to it, I was doing 2 miles pretty easily after two weeks. At a much faster pace than what I’m at now too. So, I'm not sure what's going on, but it's definitely putting a funk in my running motivation. And needless to say, but I'm gunna anyway, it's been a bit of a set back for me.

So, now comes the real question: What do I plan to do about all of this? Well, fuck if I know. In May I had started doing intermittent fasting. I’d do this during the week, and eat normal on weekends. I stuck with it for three weeks, and I felt better. I was sleeping a bit more. I wasn’t feeling as hungry, or having cravings. And in those three weeks I lost 8 pounds. But then, on our three day weekend, I sabotaged like a motherfucker. I’m not even going to sugar coat it. I had pizza, cheeseburgers, chocolate, french fries, soda, and coffee WITH cream AND sugar. On all three days. And that’s when it all went down hill for the next two weeks. Since then, it’s been a bit of a struggle to get back on the wagon. I’m still running, but there’s no real progress in that. I’ve started to make a few plans in regards to a workout schedule, but I haven’t had a lot of motivation to move forward with them. Partially because I feel like I have no energy, and another part because I just feel flat out lazy. Even right now I feel like I could really go for a nap. I’ve been told to have my thyroid checked, but I’ve already done that. In fact, I do it every year at my yearly doctor appointment. Everything always comes back fine. And recently, I’ve been thinking about being put back on my anti-anxiety medication as well as antidepressants. But that will be a discussion for another time. I’ve also considered going to a weight loss doctor that several people have sworn by that’s here locally. Just to explore my options, and to see if there isn’t something else I can do to help kick start my weight loss. Because I know I can get back to a healthy weight again. I know it's possible. I just have to figure out what to do about it. I have to figure out a way to find that drive again.

This one is hard for me to look at...

However, until that happens, the main thing I’m trying to work on is having a better relationship with food, and exercise. Because in all honesty, I look at food as punishment. “Well shit, I ate the cookie now I have to go run two miles AND do a weight session.”  On the other end of the spectrum I’d tell myself “If you eat that it’s going straight to your muffin top, and then you’ll have to work out an extra thirty minutes.” I view food as something bad rather than as a source of fuel for my body. And I guess this attitude comes from being constantly told as I was growing up that if I ate too much I'd end up being fat forever. Which led to self esteem issues. I never felt like I was the "right size". There was always someone else that was skinnier, and that led to my eating issues. So, I guess you could say I’m trying to work on self love too. I’m trying to be okay with how I look in whatever state that I may be in. Whether it’s at my heaviest, or at my lightest. Though it’s been a rough go so far. But what's important is that I’m trying. Because I’ve noticed that I only have this particularly harsh outlook on weight when it comes to myself. I can see other women, in various shapes/sizes, and be in total awe of how they look. Whatever their journey is I applaud them. I’m all about celebrating the differences, and instilling body positivity in others. But when it comes to my own body, well, it’s true when they say, “You’re your own worst critic.”  And I am a prime example of this. So, I feel like these are some things that I need to work on changing. I have to get my mind right before anything else can fall into place. And quite frankly, I don’t want to have that negativity swirling around in my mind as I’m trying to better myself. So here's to, hopefully, making some progress this year.

Clutter Can Cause Anxiety So This Means I’m Not (THAT) Crazy

Recently, I’ve had this urge to just purge everything in my house. I’m tired of it all. The dishes, tupperware, clothes, bed sheets, shoes, purses, and blankets. I have no idea how we accumulate so much stuff. 

👏Get. 👏It. 👏Out. 👏Of. 👏My. 👏House. 

It’s weird, but it always feels like no matter how much stuff I get rid of, it’s never enough. I also feel like as soon as I get done cleaning I’ll turn around, and there’s a mess again. I’m a mom, so I understand that our house won’t always be pristine. I know that life gets busy, and we won't always have time to clean up. But still, when I see the dishes stacked on the drying rack rather than being put up in the cabinets my palms get a little sweaty. If I take a peek at my closet, and see the that the hangers are lightly dusted with dust from lack of use I get this inner twitch. When I can’t see the floor of my closet because there are too many shoes I sigh, and shut the door while feeling this dread in the pit of my stomach. And then there are the days when I see clothes randomly thrown over the couch, or left on the bathroom floor that make my anxiety kick into high gear. This is usually when I get really annoyed, and I start to rage clean because if I don’t I get into this horrible downer mood. It’s pretty exhausting and happens about twice a week.

current picture of my living room

For the most part, I thought this was just a product of being brought up in a family that cleaned our home from top to bottom twice a week. A household that had to wash dishes, and throw in a load of laundry every other evening. So, basically what I really mean is that I blamed my mom for the neat freak urges. Yup, mami, this is all your fault. But then I came across an article over on ScaryMommy titled “Proof that Clutter Causes Anxiety”, and suddenly I didn’t feel so alone. There are other people out there like me, y’all! I feel like if I don’t start cleaning or tidying up every time I walk through the front door of my house I go into panic mode. I honestly feel like fleeing the house, and never looking back. Or throwing everything in the yard, and setting it on fire. Easy Raquel, that’s borderline pyro status. Some days are worse than others, and to be honest there are days when I just don't give a shit. So, I consider that an improvement. But it doesn't mean that on those days I still don't let out a frustrated groan, or have to tell myself that the world isn't going to end if I don't clean. This post made me feel  like my neat freakness wasn't as uncommon as I thought. And then after finishing that particular article, I came across another one. I mean it’s as if this lady was taking the words right out of my mouth! She really gets me! She understands the struggle, and knee-jerk reaction to start putting things into order.

And just like she states in her original post, “My reaction is physical, something I don’t feel like I can control. When I look out at the mess, I feel a pounding in my head. I feel the nerves under my skin start to bristle.” That is exactly how I've felt for years! When there is a lot of clutter, or things are overflowing I start to feel anxious. Like everything is on the brink of chaos, and if I don’t start cleaning everything will just spin out of control. Now, just like she mentions there are times when we let things slide. For example, when I’ve had a long day and get home around 8pm then I let it go. When I have to do school work or help my daughter with her homework I let it go. When I just feel like I don’t have time to get everything done in one go, or my daughter wants to get messy and make crafts then I let it go. But it wasn't always like this. It took time for me to relax a bit. Before that, I was constantly fixated on cleaning. And what made keeping a clean home even harder for me was that I lived with someone who didn’t have an issue with clutter. Someone who let the dishes stack up, or left a trail of clothes down the hallway as they made their way into the bathroom. Someone who left empty wrappers on couches, or dirty cups on the floor by the couch. That was something he got from his upbringing I believe. His home life growing up wasn't as structured as mine. So, just trying to pick up after my husband was a battle of its own. One that I seemed to lose more often than win. 

So yea, maybe my need for control in a world full of uncertainty is to blame for the anxiety I get when my house is a mess. Maybe some of this can be partially blamed on my upbringing too. Or maybe I’m just a nutjob? All I know is that whatever the cause, I’m glad that I’m learning to let it go more often. Within reason. And I’m really relieved to find out I’m not the only one out there who feels like this. The struggle is real, y’all. So, power to those of you that are fighting through clutter induced anxiety on the daily. I feel you. For you. I get where you're coming from. So no worries, okay? There are a lot of us out here in the world, and it's totally okay! 

It's Back?

I have a colorful past. But over time, I thought I had overcome everything. At least everything from that part of my life. I thought I had set my weaknesses aside and was moving forward as a stronger human being. One that could overcome anything being put in their way. So far, I’ve done a really good job of this, I think. But lately, my moods have been throwing me off. I’m happy and then irritated. I’m fine and then really upset. I’ve been really really tired, and I find myself always wanting to nap. My energy is at an all time low. My appetite goes from being insatiable to nonexistent. I’m constantly unhappy and way too emotional for my liking.

At first, I thought I was pregnant again. But 3 tests later, and the results are still the same. So I took a day to really think about what’s going on in my head. What’s really going on with my body; with my emotions. And then it hit me:

Depression. 
It’s back.

So, I’ve decided to start looking into alternative and healthier ways to help get myself feeling a bit better. My first steps are to get myself on vitamins and get back into running full time to get those endorphin's going. This always seemed to help in the past and I’ve noticed that my change in attitude and feelings only started to creep back up when I stopped doing those two things. And if it’s not actually depression making a comeback then it still won’t hurt for me to get back into that routine. But if it is back, I refuse to let it dictate my life and my emotions. I refuse to let myself be medicated again. And I refuse to let it take control like it’s done in the past.

So I guess this means I just might be stronger after all, huh?

One Of THOSE Days

I look pregnant.

I'm not pregnant.

I am TIRED.

Emery has decided to wake up at around 1:30 every night for the past week.

I am trying to be financially productive.

My husband is trying to be counterproductive it seems.

I am so easily irritated today.

I blame that on lack of sleep.

I need a routine.

Every time I START a routine, something throws me off.

I want to go home and do nothing.

The house is a mess, and we I have a lot of cleaning to do.

I want a weekend to myself.

THAT WILL NEVER HAPPEN.

Icck. Umm... Hmph! Ugghhh!! Gr. Eeehhhh!

That is all.

p/s Em's birthday party is tomorrow. 

Hope it goes well! 

Frustrated

I am beyond frustrated. I am so uneasy, and I feel as if I want to just rip off my skin. I’m craving a cigarette so bad. I feel so trapped and I can’t even scream. I remember how things were before. When I would take care of it, one of two ways. But that’s not me. I can’t do that anymore. I’m over that now.

So why do I feel like the biggest piece of crap?

Why do I feel as if my husband is just walking through the motions?

Why do I feel as if I can’t breathe?

Why do I feel like this is it? This is my life. Going nowhere fast.

Why do I all of a sudden not want?

I just….ughhhhh……..FUCK!!!

p/s Due to some weird guy tagging the pictures

of my daughter, on Facebook,

I have decided to not post many pictures of her anymore. On anything.

Job Interview

So, I had an interview yesterday. I felt a little guilty for lying about why I had to take a half day, but this interview wasn’t going to wait for me. The reason I gave is VERY real, but the appointment won’t be for another 3 months. I don’t know why I feel so guilty. These people treat me like crap.

But enough about that let me tell you about the job! It’s called Buck Horn Pumps- yes, very country. They had a laid-back atmosphere; calm, no tension. No dress code other than, PJ’s are a no-no is what I was told. They seemed like really nice people, Christian, and it’s a very small business with a total of 5 employees. The job is a customer service position but you never deal with people up front. Everything is done by email or phone. They ship out pumps for all kinds of facilities- like a mini FMC. The only hard part about the job seems to be learning the parts. The drive is a bit further BUT, to get out of here, I’d travel. The owner’s wife (the only office person there right now) is a firm believer in recycling, and they said that they don’t believe that degrees mean you’re better than someone else. It’s all about how hard you work, and them seeing that you are putting in an effort. Pay will be discussed with whoever they decide to hire.

It is in many ways the same, and yet very different from what I do now. But everything was so relaxed. Just stepping into the building and not having that tension or bad feelings was lovely. They wanted to know about me and my family –they know my parents, and an aunt and uncle. The only thing I was really concerned about was insurance (they only cover employees) but the lady said that that could change. I’m completely terrified. After being at one place for so long, and then having to start ALL over again on a “probation period” would be very scary. It IS very scary. Out of twenty applicants, they only chose four people to interview. They had one other person left to interview before deciding anything. They said they’d let me know by tonight what their decision turns out to be. I’m trying to not get my hopes up.

I am nervous and anxious. And even if I don’t get this job, my first interview in three years was a pleasant one. So I won’t be so nervous about having to do others if I have to. It’s always that first one that makes me a bit jittery. So wish me luck! I hope I get this. And if not, well, I must keep on looking. It is time for me to leave this place, that’s for sure.   

How To Turn Bowling Into A Marital Issue

A few weekends ago I “attempted” bowling. By attempt, I mean I put the shoes on and then held the ball. Yea…it was a no go. I started sweating and feeling sick to my stomach. That’s how I get when I’m nervous or completely embarrassed. My husband was annoying me too. He kept saying things like “I can’t believe you made me pay for you if you weren’t even going to bowl.” “Just get up and throw the ball!” and “I’m not showing you, just get up and throw it.” This was irritating me to no end and REALLY not making me want to bowl. The nerve of the man!! To say those things so loudly that EVERYONE could hear! As if I wasn’t embarrassed enough already!

You see, when it comes to looking like a complete idiot, I am so not in. I am one of those people that get annoyed when others pretend like they know what they’re doing but in reality have no clue! So I do research and I have to have someone PHYSICALLY show me the movements or techniques before even attempting something on my own. I practice until I’m sure I’ve gotten it down well enough, and THEN I’ll “go public”. This applies to EVERYTHING in life. When I play games, learn a new skill, exercising, or even playing sports. The only way I learned how to play dominoes was because Beau’s aunt and uncle broke down the game for me piece by piece. Call me a perfectionist all you want, I don’t care. It’s just how I am. So, I was sitting there turning red because my husband is saying these things, talking about how it’s just so easy that anyone can do it, and then there was this old man sitting right behind us starring at me! I’m so not even kidding. Every time I got up he’d follow. It was weird. But anyway, my husband not once offered to teach me how to stand or hold the ball. Not once did he try to show me how to throw it or teach me what things meant. The best he got out was “Just throw the ball…” How considerate, huh? There he and his mother are talking about strikes, spares, 10’s, and 12’s. Then they were talking about hitting a single pin, ways to spin the ball, and how they like different feet positions. I HAD NO IDEA WHAT THEY WERE TALKING ABOUT!! And not once did anyone try teaching me or explaining it to me! So I was very butthurt. I’m welling up with tears right now just thinking about it.

Ugh, I hate being such a baby. But he was making it sound like I was so stupid for not knowing how to bowl. I was incompetent. He was making me seem like I was so ridiculous for not wanting to look stupid. And he’d roll his eyes at me every time I said I didn’t want to get up and “throw the ball”. Next time I should just chunk it huh? And when he has to pay for the damages I’ll just look at him and say “You told me to throw it…” My mother knows how to bowl but she never took us. Hence the not knowing how to bowl. My brother recently learned, and a lot of my family goes out to the bowling alley and they all say it’s a lot of fun. I’d like to learn and see for myself, but how am I supposed to do that with a very inconsiderate and impatient husband? What’s worse is that he has no clue how hurtful he was being. He never does. He’s a guy.  

I know, I know. It’s just bowling. But seriously, it still hurt my feelings that he was like that towards me. It hurt my feelings that he wouldn’t even TRY showing me. And it pisses me off that HE was complaining about ME when I wasn’t even doing anything wrong. I was just being shy which is how I ALWAYS am, and he knows it!! He knows I have to have someone show me things and yet he still pulled that crap?!?

Uggh! Men.

Trapt; Short Post From My Phone

I have this feeling of unease. I'm frustrated and annoyed. I want the world to shut up. Leave me be. I feel like I'm trapped in a dead end town working a dead end job that pays shit. I want to cry and scream at the same time. The hours pass by so slowly. My husband is not here to help calm me down and I feel lonely and encased. I want something more. We NEED something more.

I think I might have a panic attack soon if I don't get it together...