Navigating a Financial Nightmare

They say, “When it rains, it pours.” And well, 2025 has not stopped raining. In fact, we’ve basically been flooding since our accident back in March. And it looks like we will be closing out the year with a lot of debt. It could be worse, I know, but this is probably the worst it has ever gotten for me. EVER. Between my husband’s unpaid time off after childbirth and the accident. Then, with all our medical bills, shortened hours at work, and not being firm on my “no,” things have gotten out of hand. And I don’t necessarily know how I’m going to get us out of it. I’ve narrowed our budget down as low as I can, and we are still in the red. And I’m getting further behind on payments.

At the beginning of 2024, something would always come up, or we’d have to dip into savings for some minor repair. I started telling my husband, “If we don’t start putting money into savings, we are one emergency away from major financial trouble.” Looking back, there was a lot I should have done differently. I should have managed finances better. After our son was born, I should have taken the medication offered to me when I was dealing with postpartum anxiety/depression. Maybe then I wouldn’t have been in such a crappy headspace for as long as I was, causing my husband to miss so much work. After the accident, I should have purchased a small SUV instead of letting my fear push me towards another larger vehicle. I shouldn’t have listened to someone’s advice and emptied my 401K two years ago to pay down debt as THEY had requested. It probably would have given us some breathing room this past year. And the list goes on and on. But I can’t go back. I can’t change it. And I honestly don’t know what I’m going to do.

Photo by NORTHFOLK on Unsplash

It’s all very stressful. The words “bankruptcy” and “repossession” have been tossed around. Neither is an option I want to consider, but if things get worse, I might not have a choice. We are trying to liquidate the majority of what we own that has any value to help us get through each week. And as I take pictures of things to post, I keep asking myself, “How did I get here?” I never imagined that I’d have to pick and choose between whose doctor visit is more important, or whether we need to go to a food bank so we can pay a bill. And so, if we barely have enough money to get us through the week, credit cards are the least of my concerns. That said, I had worked so damn hard to improve my credit score, and for years, I made saving a priority. So, for us to be in this situation, I’m often left in tears and extremely panicked.

I’ve done a bit of research, and everything points towards financial counseling, debt consolidation, and/or bankruptcy. I’ve contacted two financial counseling services to see what kind of support they can offer me. I also have a call scheduled with an accredited debt relief company that I found through the government website. While I wanted to negotiate rates on my own, I don’t have time to sit down and go back and forth with each credit card company. I also have no clue what I’m doing, so I need some help. It’s been such a long time since I’ve been in a situation like this, y’all. Though this time is probably the worst it’s ever been. I remember telling myself all those years ago that no matter what, I would not let myself get to that point again. And well, here we are. I’m actually really disappointed in myself. I knew better, and I just didn’t stay on top of things as I should.

Reminder - Breathe

It's a new month, y'all! And thankfully, it's Friday. This weekend will probably be one of the last semi-free ones we get for a while. I still have some housework to do around here, and hopefully, an odd job with my dad will come up soon because we could use some extra money. We'll be attempting to get school supplies this weekend as well, and I'm praying that they have everything at one single store. Last year we had to grab things from three different locations over the course of a week because they kept running out. We're also hoping to take a last minute trip to New Mexico with my family before the little starts school. My brother wants to hike/summit Wheeler Peak and of course, it wouldn't be a memorable trip unless the entire family joined in. And finally, I'm not exactly sure if we're going to fit in one last summer camp next week, or just save the money for after-school lessons the little wants to take this year. Do y'all know how expensive it is to just get started with gymnastics?! I mean, damn does that cost a pretty penny...

All of that said I feel like August is going to be a very busy month. And a pretty expensive one too. As soon as I started to calculate costs for everything that would need to be paid this month all of these negative thoughts started racing around in my mind. I almost had a bit of an anxiety attack as I sat in my cubicle. How was I going to pay for all of this? We only have three weeks left before school starts. I started to dwell on my shortcomings, and that led me to feel really overwhelmed. I was almost on the brink of tears as I thought about what I was going to do. What I would need to sacrifice yet again just to swing everything. And that's the moment I realized I needed to take a step back, and just breathe. Deep, even breaths. After about five minutes I slowly started coming down off of the ledge. I refused to let all of the negative take over. And I didn't want to start off a new day, or a new month with a panic attack. 

So today, I just wanted to remind you to breathe. Whatever you're going through right now just take a few minutes to breathe. If you're having a rough time, or a bad day remember that it's not forever. If you suffer from anxiety, or panic attacks try some of these coping techniques listed in this article. If you don't suffer from anything at all, and the day is all sunshine and rainbows for ya well you can still remember to breathe. Or maybe reach out to someone you know that's having a hard time, or that you know deals with a mental illness. Sometimes just being there is help enough. If it's a normal day for you then maybe take a few minutes to appreciate the balance you have. Do something nice for someone, or donate a few dollars towards your local supermarket's charity of the month. But overall remember that everything is going to be okay, and even on the worst day you can find something to be grateful for if you really look. So, breathe. Slow, even breaths. You've got this, and YOU will be okay. Now go out and seize the day or some shit...

📷: Found through a Google search. No idea who made it.

It's Okay

Last Friday, I sat down with my mom and we went over my budget. I made more cuts. I looked into extra discounts on my insurance. And I'm waiting until I can pay my internet bill (it's passed due) before looking into getting it lowered, or last resort...turned off. I'm reverting back to the basics. I know last Thursday's post seemed rather dramatic. I was feeling so overwhelmed, and every little problem just seemed so much more bigger than I could handle at that time. But I wasn't exaggerating when I said that I've fallen behind. Being in such a crappy financial situation really leaves me insecure. It leaves me feeling really helpless, and my anxiety attacks start becoming an every day thing. It's sometimes makes me feel like I'm suffocating for hours before I can calm myself down. I really hate going through that. I really hate how controlling it can be, mentally. So, after the last attack I had on Wednesday I decided to just ask my mom to look over my finances with me in order to start getting back on track. I'm actually feeling pretty good about the plan we have in place.

I had a phone session with my counselor last week too. With all of the rain, and flooding going on I didn't want to chance getting stuck somewhere so we opted for a phone session. I didn't realize how much I needed it until he got on the line. Everything came out: my stress at work, issues with my finances, having to move my daughter's surgery, and the emotional roller coaster I had been riding on the past week. I voiced some concerns which I had been keeping to myself, and some of the feelings I had kept bottled up. Once it was all out there he helped get me back on track a bit. I was reminded of what I needed to be focused on, what was NOT to be my concern anymore, and what I needed to keep working towards. When I hung up I felt refocused, and determined. If any of you are struggling, or even just feeling a bit off I highly recommend talking to a counselor. Mental health is important, and sometimes it's great to have someone who can see things from a different perspective. So, I've come into this week looking forward. I feel like I've found my two words for this year, after looking back at everything over the passed few days. Respect and Forward. Only took me half of the year to "find" them and normally people just use one, but those two seem to pop up for me the most.

I had a bit of an emotional moment last week as well. I blame it on one of the side effects from having a monthly cycle. Everything was just extra...extra heightened. You know? Everything you feel or think is magnified by a thousand during that week. There were a few things that needed to be addressed, and even though things were left kind of open for more discussion I don't think my husband or I will be on the same page in regards to the topics we discussed. So, after everything was said and done I sat on my kitchen floor with a glass of wine, and let myself have a bit of a mopey cry. Not exactly sure what will happen next, because my situation is a little different, but we've talked about the possibility of seeing a lawyer again soon. That's not to say we've decided one thing or another. It's just something that we need to do in order to get more information. This is ALL new territory to me, to him, and I have no idea what we're doing. I have to keep telling myself that it's okay to not be sure. It's okay to not know what my next step is. It's okay to take things a day at a time. It's all okay.

Hard Times

Written on May 24, 2016

This week's bills went over what I make by about $250. I got a notice from my daughter's school about how I forgot to send lunch money so she would be placed on the "alternative meal plan" until her account was filled. Then I got a note from the teacher about needing my $3-$5 contribution for the end of school year party. My daughter's surgery was scheduled for June 3rd, but now it looks like it will be pushed back to June 24th because I am applying for financial assistance. Due to some unforeseen circumstances, my entire savings account, my cushion, was depleted. Things had to be paid in order to not get turned off. I cancelled some subscriptions we didn't necessarily need. I asked for extensions, and even with that, I couldn't afford to buy groceries. I sat in my car after dropping my daughter off with my dad, and just cried.

The entire time, I ask myself how the fuck did I get here? My honest answer is one that I really don't want to say out loud: Me. I got myself here by allowing myself to be a push over. When my husband left, I was devastated and heartbroken, but during his absence I had built up my savings. My bills were paid on time. I had money to go see a movie, or get pedicures with my daughter on a whim. I penny pinched and saved. I was only having to pay for two mouths. Since he's been living with us, all of that has gone away. And I have no one to blame but myself. I let it happen. I "fixed" the money problems he got himself into instead of letting him figure things out on his own. I just pushed money into his lap so he could go out and get the "simple" luxuries he "needed" instead of allowing him to dwell in the discomfort that comes with not having anything. I allowed it. I was over hearing about how he had nothing, and how he never got to do anything. Always coming to me for answers because isn't that what a spouse is supposed to be there for? When he turned things around on me recently, getting upset for not being able to pay for a basic doctor's appointment/his medication, I allowed his words to make me feel like I wasn't doing enough. I'm not saying that this is completely his fault either. Though he did play a part. Being a people-pleaser when it comes to my family is the real issue. Ultimately, the problem is my inability to say "NO". I found myself being asked for a solution to our current situation, and I couldn't think of one. All I did know was that I couldn't solve it on my own, and without taking some pretty drastic measures.

Last night, as I laid in bed, snuggled up with my daughter I allowed myself to cry. I kept thinking about what all had happened that day and it was so overwhelming. After I had picked her up from school she asked if we could get some tacos, and I told her that we couldn't. She pulled out her little purse and said "Mom, I'll treat us to tacos IF you let me get a small strawberry drink." She then handed over $5. So, I allowed her to pay for her taco, a burrito, and the strawberry slushy drink that she wanted. When I got home from work she asked for a sandwich, but we had no bread. When I told her we could make some Mac' N' Cheese instead she wrinkled her nose, and asked "Mmm what about maybe just a salad?" But when we both went to look in the veggie drawer there was no lettuce. Or tomatoes. "It's okay mommy, I like Mac' N' Cheese, let's do that." And I felt terrible. I mean black hole in the pit of my stomach horrible. I wanted to cry right there, and apologize a thousand times for letting us get to this point. Instead, I asked my mother if she would let my daughter eat dinner with them for the rest of this week because I know I won't be able to afford groceries.

I can't believe that this is where I'm at in life. I can't believe I'm almost thirty years old, and I am still struggling like this. My paycheck is gone before I even get it. There is no breathing room. What the hell am I going to do?

:::UPDATE:::

I wrote the above portion of this post last week. Right afterwards I had an anxiety attack, a pretty big one, so I left it unfinished. I eventually did go out and buy some essential grocery items (bread, sandwich meat, milk, breakfast cereal, etc.). By Wednesday I had grown tired of not being able to make/grab something when my daughter said she was still hungry after getting home in the evenings so I decided to just go buy a few things that we really needed. I didn't care if the internet got turned off, or if the electricity was past due. 

We're still really strapped for money, and things have been really stressful. Thankfully, I'll be getting some overtime soon now that my daughter is not in school. Unfortunately, I now have only five days to find a babysitter. Our current sitter had some unexpected things come up for her family here, and it caused them to have to move up their Mexico vacation so she will be leaving next week for about a month. The original plan was that she would be gone for the end of summer in order to give me time to find someone else. But things happen which is understandable. I have no idea where I'll find someone who will watch her for less than $60 a week.  Can you believe I was getting that deal in the first place? That is about ALL I can afford right now. Which even that is stretching it. 
 
Here's a run down of what else has been going on: The little's last day of school was last Friday. I cried. My pursing a Bachelors Degree has been put on pause. Indefinitely. Cook's Children should be getting back to us in regards to financial assistance at the end of this week. If I don't hear back from them by Thursday we reschedule her surgery. With all of this rain flooding we've been getting it looks like we are getting a flea problem inside and outside of our home. Not being able to cut the grass has made things so much worse. The dogs are going to need extra flea treatments which are NOT cheap. And did I mention the flooding? This past weekend we had a family reunion which I'll post about later. It was fun getting to see everyone, and we had a blast. And that about covers everything. If anyone wants to give me $1,000 to get myself back on track I accept PayPal. :)

Figure Something Out

We are broke. Like, negative in our accounts broke. It’s not fun, and it’s not easy. Not stating this for sympathy, it's just our current situation. When my husband quit his old job we already had a back up job in the works for him. Then that fell through, and the downside of living in a small town is that there’s hardly every any job openings. So he was at home for 9 months. Needless to say we drained through our savings. Then, last month a friend of ours helped him get a job at a restaurant in a neighboring town running the kitchen. We are so grateful for him to finally be working, but he’s working for minimum wage and less than 30 hours a week. So even though it helps, it’s not enough to cover all of the bills now that my parents are gone. I honestly have no idea how we’re going to get by.

So yesterday, my brother and Kim called me asking about how much the bills were costing? They asked if I’d consider letting them move in with us as soon as their lease was up this month. I let them know how much everything cost. I let him know that I wouldn't be offended if they’d rather stay where they’re at and just resign a new lease than come out to our house. Because I won’t. So we left it at them thinking it over, and me leaving the spare room empty until they decided.

To say that them moving in would help me out is a huge understatement. Splitting the bills is the only way I see us getting by. It would be a huge weight off of my shoulders. But as soon as I mentioned the idea to my husband, he wasn't too pleased. He likes us being on our own and having the privacy. He likes it being just the tree of us. So I had to remind him that realistically, we’d end up having the electricity cut off on us around Christmas if we didn't figure something out. THIS was the only way I saw us getting any type of breathing room when it comes to finances. So if they did decide to move in with us, he’d just have to suck it up. Unless he can find a job that pays $13-16 per hour, we need to figure something else out, and my brother even considering moving in with us should be looked at as a blessing.

But it’s still a big IF. They could decide that it wouldn't be reasonable, financially for them to be so far away from work and school. And I’d be back at square one, trying to figure out what to do. But we’ll cross that bridge when we get to it. Until then, I have to stay positive about things. I have to keep moving forward.

Totally Not A Meaningful Post

Hi.

It seems like forever since I've written anything “meaningful” on this blog. What can I say, life kind of gets in the way? Right now, I’m currently trying to keep up with a decent work, school & fitness schedule. School has kicked my ass, work has been busy, and my work outs aren't as frequent as I’d like them to be. There’s always something going on or that needs to be done and I feel like I haven’t really had a moment to just stop and reflect. I kind of feel like my life is in fast forward and there isn't even a pause button for when I need a breather.

Ever since my parents moved closer to town, we've gotten a bit more adjusted but it’s also been tough. I don’t get as much help as I used to which is okay because we should be able to handle everything on our own. But it was always nice to have a helping hand. This next month will be our first one where we have to pay the bills entirely ourselves which is kind of scary. I’m a little nervous about making ends meet, but now that my husband has a job I’m hoping it lightens the load a bit. If not, then we’ll have to make some adjustments and cut back on a few things. Gotta do what you gotta do, right?

On the bright side, I’m learning how to cook! Well, sort of. Sure I still use boxed Velveeta skillets, and sometimes I cheat by using the precooked chicken tender strips, BUT I’m actually making full MEALS. You try looking after a toddler, folding laundry, doing the dishes, working on homework, AND making dinner within an hour. Not that easy my friends. So far I've made homemade cantina bowls, tacos, chicken alfredo, turkey burgers, various salads, pancakes, omelets, and wraps. Plenty of other stuff too, it would just take too long to list them all on here. It’s actually been pretty fun to learn though. I'm pretty happy to know that my family won't starve either, LOL! That's always a plus!

So that's about all I have for you. I know that this post isn't all that “meaningful” but I thought I’d at least update with something new. I have three weeks before finals so it’s time for me to put on my big girl panties and bunker down for some serious study sessions. After that I promise I’ll be back on the regular. Plus I've decided to take a lighter load next semester so I’ll at least have time to do other stuff (aka blog). Until then, bare with me & I hope this find all of you well!

Falling Behind

Oops! Sorry for skipping on Monday's post. :) It's been a lazy and yet hectic weekend that I'm just now recovering from. Thursday Emery broke out in a rash and started running a fever of 102.5. Yikes! She was covered in red bumps, and she was constantly crying because her skin itched. I checked her mouth for sores because I remember reading these information posters in the doctor’s office about the difference between chickenpox and measles. Sure enough she had sores in her mouth, and this mom almost freaked out. My poor baby girl was exhausted and in pain for the entire day and night. Thankfully, on Friday we were able to see the doctor and it turns out it wasn't measles but instead it was Hand Foot & Mouth, again. Oh, yay.

Our weekend was pretty much spent in bed. I don’t think I’ve ever seen Em sleep so much. Not that I’m complaining because I used most of my time to read, sleep, and catch up on my homework. But every time she’d wake up, she was not at all thrilled. Miss Grumpy Pants was in full blown terror mode. It was not pleasant. On the bright side, her rash is almost all gone and she hasn’t had a fever in 24 hours. Too bad her attitude problem didn’t disappear along with the rash. She’s been testing our limits ever since she started feeling better. :(

Last week I fell a little behind on school. My tutoring hours are in desperate need of some attention, and my English essay’s were way behind. So I caught up as much as I could yesterday, and sent emails to my professors letting them know what’s going on. Thankfully, they were understanding. It’s crazy to think that in 3 weeks this semester will already be over. It went by pretty fast, and it really wasn’t my best semester. I’m a little disappointed with how unorganized I was, and how I turned things in late this time around. So, I’ve decided to take the summer off from school. I’ve been stressing over making sure we have money enough money without having to dip into our savings too much. But having to drive all the way up to Weatherford twice a week has been hell on my gas budget. So a summer break with not having to spend that extra money will be a nice relief to our wallets. Once my husband gets a job, I’ll hit the fall semester head on again. My plan is to finish up my basics in less than a year before having to transfer. :)

Thankfully, my dad is currently in talks with a supervisor on getting my husband hired on at FMC. My dad and brother had to fly out to Georgia this week to work on pumps out of state, so we won’t hear anything in regards to the job until he gets back. And even then, it could still be another month before my husband's working again. Still, I’m staying optimistic! Fingers crossed! I know that the right thing will fall into place when the time is right. I just have to be patient. Which also brings me to our decision of not having me apply for the job in Bakersfield. As awesome as it would have been, realistically it would not have been the best decision for us. It would have been an impulse decision based on wants, not needs.

So that about wraps it up for me. Sorry for lack of pictures, but as you can see I’ve fallen behind. So any that I took this weekend are still in my camera just waiting to be uploaded. I'm hoping after this week things will slow down and I’ll go back to normal. Hope everyone else had a wonderful weekend!

Here We Go Again

Before we took our vacation in January, my husband was having problems at work. His old supervisor had quit around October of last year and his new supervisor did not like him. Maybe it was my husband’s tattoos? Maybe it was my husband’s “California style”? Or maybe he just didn’t click with my husband? Either way, it showed. It reflected in his treatment of my husband.

After coming back from our vacation we found some things out. Some things in regard to wages and positions. We didn’t ask to be let in on what had happened, someone just thought it was unfair, and that we should know. It bothered my husband, but after talking about it we decided to just let it go. Fast-foreword to four weeks ago, and my husband asked about a raise. He’s been there for over a year, and he wanted to know if there would be evaluations of some kind, or if he would be entitled to some kind of a raise. He was told, by his supervisor, that he’d get a 10¢ raise. My husband told him to not worry about it because that would hardly effect his pay check. The supervisor became offended.

Since then, some major drama has unfolded. There have been random drug tests, docks in pay, terminations, searching of employee's vehicles without permission, drastic hour cuts, and some people have been demoted. A whole group were dropped back down to minimum wage, my husband included. So last Friday, after much discussion, we finally came to a decision. He quit his job.

I spent the entire weekend in shock. Here we go again, down to being a one income family. I remember how this used to feel. Living pay check to pay check. Barely having enough money to get by. It wasn’t fun. It was hard, and I spent a lot of time feeling like a failure for not being able to get things for my daughter without help. Thankfully, this time my father has offered to get my husband hired on at his workplace as soon as they start opening up for positions. The downside to this is that it could be anywhere from 3-10 weeks before he can do this. Still, I’m counting my blessing. Last time we went through this, we had no money saved up. This time we do. It will at least hold us over until he can find another job. So for that, I am thankful.

But now, comes the part where we buckle down, and budget right down to the penny. No movies, no books, no eating out, no weekend outings, and no extra trips to the grocery store. I've also decided to cut down our TV programing, and a lot of other things we don’t really need, in order to trim off some of our monthly expenses. 

So, here we go...again. 

The Ride Will Have To Wait (pity party time)

I can’t do it. I couldn’t take my parents money. Not because I didn’t want to, I would have if I had been able to agree to the terms of the “loan” but because I’m just not ok with paying my parents back with all of our income tax return. We need that money to settle with the credit card company and with my car loan company. Not to mention our medical bills and Emery’s medical bills. From when she was born. I need to fix my credit if we ever want to get our own place again. Most apartment complexes around here do credit checks now, and banks won’t let you buy a house if you’re credit is down the shitter. I need to clear mine up if I ever want to get out of this “shack” we live in.

I could pay them off, monthly like you would a bank, but that’s not what they were thinking/wanting. So, I’m not doing it. The whole processes is frustrating because I really need a car. It’s coming to the point where my parents will take back their truck because it wasn’t meant to be used to go to Stephenville everyday much less Weatherford twice a week. Their truck was suppose to be their weekend/special occasion truck. My dad wants to not have too many more miles put on it. I don’t blame him. We’ve had enough time to gather up some money to put towards a car but shit happens. Unexpected expenses (lawyer, court fees, hospital bills, doctor visits) kind of kicked our asses last year (some this year too) and we’re still paying for them.

Today “depression” really hit me. This is so fucking sad. I know people have it worse, and I should be grateful that my family is together and healthy. But what kind of mom does this make me? I can’t even afford to provide my family with a decent home with a working toilet or hot water! Our “house” is a joke. I can’t afford to get a car because a bank won’t loan me the money, and those “we finance” dealerships are out of their MINDS when it comes to payments. I owe my parents over $3,000 already. The real reason I’m probably losing weight is because some days I go without eating meals because I can’t afford to spend more than $100 on groceries. $60 of that is Emery’s necessities (diapers, milk, lunches/dinners). I went so far as to think about entering a bunch of contests in hopes that maybe I’d win some cash or, if I were super lucky, a car! Then I read about how the government taxes the shit out of stuff that you “win” so I decided against it. Yea, can you believe I even looked it up?? I’m a desperate woman.

I’ve even been flirting with the idea of dropping out of college or just not going back next semester. We could really use that extra $100 a week that we spend on gas. Maybe I could go back next summer, or at least after we get everything paid off? I don’t know. I’m just at a loss as to what to do?? Yes, I’m feeling sorry for myself. But, hey, I’m allowed every once in awhile, when shit gets really hard. You can tell I’m upset because I used way to many curse words in this post.

p.s. Fuck, CANCER. 

Please pray for Regan and her parents.

I Need A Ride

You’re probably tired of me complaining about gas and money problems, huh? If so, feel free to skip this first part of the post. Any who, I’ve talked about our gas dilemma, and my financial worries ever since starting school. Well, last weekend my parents wanted me to get some flea treatments for Sampson because he’s been scratching lately. When I told them it would have to wait they immediately wanted to know why I couldn’t afford to buy them. They always want to know everything about our lives. I told them about our low checks, and how it would just have to wait till this week. The lectures started. My parents didn’t understand why my husband just didn’t go and find another job if his current one was cutting his hours. But finding a job in this town is not that easy and that recent cut in hours was only temporary. I, on the other hand, don’t really have a choice because I have to go to class. So I just told them that we couldn't help it. This was how it was going to be for a little while. Now, I’m appreciative that my husband is steadily gaining his hours back each week and he should be back to his full forty hours by next week! But that doesn't change the fact that we’re still taking a hit on gas cost. I spent $180 just in gas, during last week. My husband spent at least $90. That’s a lot of dough!

So my parents decided to come up with their own “plan”. They would lend me $4,000 to find myself a used car. I love them and I am so grateful for their help, but I feel like this will put us in an even bigger hole financially. When I told my mom about my hesitation, she said “We already sent for the money and we’ve set up a time this weekend to go look at an ‘SUV’ in town.” In the meantime, I was told to look around. Dealerships don’t ever have anything nice with low miles for less than $10,000 so I quickly quit looking at those, and the real search began. I looked through Cars.com, Auto Trader, and Craigslist. I browsed a few local small dealerships, and some “on the side of the road-for sale by owner” ones. Unfortunately, with less than $7,000 my options were very limited. Still, I found a few that could possibly work. They didn’t have the greatest mileages, but were still in decent condition. My mother’s been looking as well, and now we’re just trying to weed out the bad ones.

Still, this search has left me feeling a bit frustrated and exhausted. My parents want to find something this weekend, and I don’t have the energy to be going all over Texas to try out cars. But I should be grateful that I’m even getting the chance to get one. I wanted a car, 4 cylinder, that would get me GREAT gas mileage. But my dad said he doesn’t trust small cylinder cars with high mileages. Then my mother said with us having Emery we should look into a small SUV with 6 cylinders because they's have more room and still get decent MPG. So that’s what we’ve been looking into. We’ve emailed and called a few potentials but either they’ve been sold or we haven’t heard back. It’s been such a hassle! Car shopping is so not fun when you’re broke, lol!

I’m almost tempted to just get the Ford Escape my parents checked out just to be over this already. I can’t believe I’m actually doing it though. I'm still pretty hesitant about the whole situation. I'm suppose to pay them back with our tax return for next year, but I don't think I can afford to give them our entire tax return. I'm a bit concerned about that. I swear I’m going to have to let them enslave me just to pay them back for everything they’ve helped me with. I’m going to owe them for the rest of my life. Ugh! Wish me luck, please?! 

Stressin That Money!

I stated before that we operate with one car, and my parents are allowing me to use their truck for work and school. As grateful as I am for that it’s killing me when it comes to gas. I alone am spending over $140 a week. Factor in my hubby going to and from work, another $90, and that’s about half of my pay check. More so now that I won’t be getting a full 40 hour week. So now money is an issue again. *sigh* Before, we had enough to set aside in our savings for emergencies. But with the recent hit in our paychecks, we haven’t had much of anything left over.

So my conclusion is that I need a gas saving car. Too bad they cost money, huh? DAMN! Not just any gas saving car, either. I need a reliable one. I don’t want to risk a tire popping off, or to be left stranded on the side of the road. Especially if I have Emery with me. And as strict as my teachers are, I can’t afford to miss classes. So I need a car that won’t breakdown or cost me more in repairs than it’s worth (like our current vehicle). Unfortunately, most of these you find in dealerships, and they’re way over $1,000, which is more than I have saved up at the moment. We can’t afford payments and even if we could, my credit sucks! So, I’m pretty much in a shitty situation.

I miss my old car. I miss only using $40 a week in gas. I miss having my OWN transportation. And after already spending over $100 in gas this week, I’m wishing we still had it. I’m still pissed at the repair shop that didn’t actually “repair” the car correctly, causing my car to crash. I’m pissed off at the loan company, for adding “interest” to my total cost. This is one of the reasons why my credit now sucks. And I’m pissed off at my insurance company for not thinking it was “worth the money” to fight the repair shop in court, or pay the full amount to the loan company. Yea...I’m still a bit bitter about the whole thing.

This isn't actually my car, but mine was exactly the same as this one. Down to the window tint and "spoiler".

I was left without a car, no money to buy another car, and in debt. This has not been a very fun experience. It really hurt us in the long run. Now, I know I can’t dwell on the past, and I can’t focus on the “what ifs”. But on days like this, I can’t help but think of how much easier that second car would have made things. How much more convenient it would have made every day life. My parents could have their truck back, and I wouldn’t be skipping meals in order to afford gas for the week. Ugh!!

I know other people have it worse, and truly I am so grateful for all of the blessing I’ve received. I’m just a little on edge, and a bit concerned with our finances. Things are costing more than what we’re making and on top of that, we found out we still owe the court some money. I’m tired, my brain hurts, and I’m trying to adjust to this new schedule of mine. So, I just needed to write this to get it off my chest. Hope you guys have had a better week! One more day before the weekend, YAY! 

Feeling A Little Puny, But Better!

This past weekend was awesome! We all had a three day weekend, and for the first time in what seems like years, the temperature didn’t go above 90°! We had a 64°start on Sunday and Monday. Then, this morning I actually had to bust out the hoodies! Oh, it was so nice. I didn’t even complain about being sick because I was so thankful we were getting some nice weather!

Last week Em came home sick. Runny nose, fever, coughing. Since both of our immunity system’s suck I caught it by Thursday. My symptoms also included body aches, sore throat, and chills. Friday was brutal, and the boss man had me leave early. I spent most of Friday and Saturday doped up on Alka-Seltzer 20 mg because they work so much better than Dayquil and Nyquil. I’m still not 100%, but I’m a lot better than I was on Friday.

Needless to say, we did pretty much NOTHING all weekend. Seriously, the dirty clothes are still in the hamper. I’ll just have to tackle it slowly during the week. Emery still has a runny nose but she’s almost back to her 100%. I can’t wait to have us both better. A sick mommy and an irritable baby make for a really crappy time. Ha! We spent most of yesterday watching The Jersey Shore Marathon. And today I have my first official “full class schedule”. I can already tell I’m going to need a 5 Hour shot to get me through the afternoon. It’s going to be a miserable day. 

Last week I saw an accident (not it actually happening, just right after), and by the way the cops were acting (no one helping the person in the car) I’m guessing he/she didn’t make it. There was blood, I saw the person’s hands, and the car was flattened. This shook me up a little bit. The reality of how far I’m traveling, the road conditions, and just how much higher the odds are of me getting into an accident really got to me. I spent a good extra amount of time this morning hugging Em, telling her I loved her, and smothering her with kisses. Because we just never know. 

We’re still trying to figure out money issues. I’m still freaking out over the fast pace of these courses. But, So far I’ve done pretty well. I scored an 88% on my first psychology quiz, 100% in everything else. Our car hasn’t broken down (knocks on wood)! Last week my husband applied to Full Sail University for recording, and he submitted his financial aid. Now we’re just waiting to see if it’ll cover his tuition. *crossing fingers* Send him some good vibes, will ya? Thanks in advance! And that’s about all we’ve got going on right now. Hope everyone else had a wonderful three day weekend!

How Do We Save Money We Don't Have?

So today will be my first day back to school! Woot! Woot!Thankfully, both classes are online and I’ll get to them once I get home this afternoon. But tomorrow will be my first day of school, on an actual campus. This one, I’m nervous about. Not only will I be in a town I’m not all that familiar with but the drive will be a nice hour long one both ways. I’ve been preparing by rereading the map, and double checking my school supplies. I’m trying to be as prepared as I possibly can be, to ease the anxiety.

What I wasn’t prepared for, was how much this will be costing. My husband had a whole day taken out of his work week, which kind of threw us for a loop. I had already applied for school, and had my financial aid when this happened so there was no turning back. Then due to my lateness in registering, I now have to take out what would be equivalent to a whole day out of my schedule. Which means both of our paychecks are taking a nice little hit.

We only have one car at the moment (mine was totaled last year). My husband has to use it because he has to be at work by 6 am. My parents have been nice enough to let me use their truck for getting around and going to work. Still, it’s their truck. Both of these vehicles are gas guzzlers. We normally spend $120 a week, on just going to and from work. Now, add in that I will be making an hour long drive each way to get to class, twice a week, and we’re looking at that price going up to about $200 a week. Add that cost to diapers, groceries, bills, and we’ve got a really huge number at the end of the week. $550-$600.

Only one bill is $10, which I CANCELLED to save that extra ten bucks. Everything else is $60+ I pay at least four things every Monday. And this does not show grocery, or basic utility bills. 

This has been one of the causes for my recent anxiety, because school’s not already enough to worry about, and I’m a little worried. I’m afraid that we won’t have enough left over to keep building our savings as well as Emery’s college fund. Hell, I’m afraid that we won’t have money left over at the end of the week to get us through a weekend! And this is scary, especially when you have a little one. Unexpected things happen all of the time, and I know that the minute things start getting better you’re always hit with something out of nowhere that seems to cost more than what you have. And honestly, I have no idea how we’re going to do this.

This is hard for a planner to admit. I have to have schedules, budgets, and a plan at all times. Because of this there has always been a nice bit of money left over for us to put away. Or we’ve always been able to afford the “unexpected”. But now that I’m actually sitting down and trying to figure in numbers, I’m at a loss as to what to do or where to even begin! How can I save money for our family and for our daughter’s future education if we don’t have anything left over?? Oh...this is so not a good feeling!

Rewind

When things get busy at home, I find that I put my blog(s) on the bottom of my list of things to do. Which is what happened last week. Then this past week, I just kind of threw in a post about how my fitness was going and how I felt about “the” wedding before even really updating any of you on how things were going! Ooops! So now that it’s Sunday, and I have a minute or two to spare I’m going to fill you guys in.

First, yes, I changed the layout again! I just couldn’t wait for summer to refresh the page. Sorry! But anyway, the week before last was pretty insane. My husband’s game was filled with team drama, the “coach” had no clue what to do, and so it all summed up to my husband “quitting”. He just said that if they needed an extra player to give him a call. Otherwise, he would no longer be going to practice or the games. Yea, it was bad. Now, he’s agreed to jump into something new. A band. Yes, a band. At first, I was a little pissed because he pretty much agreed to it before talking to me first, which always drives me CRAZY! And it’s not because of the band itself, but because this band is NOT local. The members are younger than us (by a year or three) and they are spread out EVERYWHERE! But none of them really have family responsibilities, and so they can just all travel whenever, wherever. My husband can’t. But, what’s done is done. They had two practices last weekend, one yesterday and it looks like all of the members really like what he’s going to bring to the table. They are trying for a “harder” sound, and maybe a new name. I got to meet all of them and they seemed pretty nice as well as very understanding of the fact that we’re parents and with that comes obligations. They haven’t said, officially, that my husband is in yet, but the main guy that runs the show told us on Friday he was very excited about this new direction my hubs was taking them in. So, I guess it’s time to start promoting for my husband's new band, huh?

Click

Next, our explorer is a piece of crap. But, it’s the only vehicle we have. Some drama happened over it last week with the shop who was supposed to fix it. I’m still fuming over it, but it ended with me paying $520.20 for NOTHING. They literally did nothing to fix it. All the problems that we took it in for were still going on. We finally just picked it up this past Wednesday and drove it to another shop. So total, we spent $660.20, when all we really should have spent was $140.00. Yes, I’m pissed. No, there isn’t anything we can do about it. But at least it’s fixed, for now.

Then, Easter was a mess. I was grateful for the three day weekend but I had just hoped it would have been less hurried! On Saturday my family had an Easter get together; nothing big. Family and good food as usual with no huge ordeals so it turned out pretty nice. My husbands family wanted to get together on Sunday, and it turned out to be a bit more stressful. Someone was fighting, someone else was upset that we brought beer when there was a recovering alcoholic (really, it completely slipped my mind bc that person has been back and forth so many times this past year), and then Beau and I were arguing. Emery had a good time though! She actually hunted eggs, and they had a swing set there and she wanted to just swing all day! So, I didn’t want to deprive her of a good “first” Easter. 

This past week was a bit more calm, with the exception of the explorer drama and the money wasted. A friend of ours got engaged Thursday! So I’m super excited about that! I start my hardcore diet on Monday, and I’m a bit nervous but hopeful! This next weekend I’m hoping will be a slow calm one? But first, this upcoming Tuesday is my hubby’s FIRST SHOW! Definitely post pictures of that! We’re in the last few steps of getting my husband’s license and I’m praying it goes smoothly. I’m praying that if anything has to be paid here in Texas that it will be a reasonable amount. Other than that, I have nothing new to share. Last week was hectic at work, and at home but I’m steadily getting back to a balance. Hope everyone is doing well! I’ll be back in full swing this week!!

Lets Recap Shall We?

There has been a lot on my mind lately, and I've written plenty of little drafts. So, along with today's post I'll include all of the other short ones. Here we go:

Baby Monster

The little monster is doing WAY better today.  So the verdict came in and she had: A cold, ear infection, and the beginning of strep throat. Fun, fun huh?  The doc actually saw us early, pretty quickly, and then she only charged me $40 this time because we saw her (she’s our regular pediatrician) instead of her hubs. She gave us prescriptions to some generic stuff which only cost us $4 for each one (Em has to take two different kinds). Yay!! But then, I went and spent a good amount on ORGANIC food. So much for saving? My boss let me take the rest of yesterday as well as half of today off to care for my little babes. They are seriously, the BEST bosses EVER! I feel truly blessed. And today Em is more spunky than she was yesterday. You can see such a difference in just her eyes. Yesterday she was so droopy and sad. But today she’s actually play around! On the road to getting better I’d say.

Valentine’s Day

My hubby is not a romantic guy. So, I’ve never really expected to do much on Valentines like all of the other couples do. And this past Valentine’s was no different. But, he did take me to go get a new laptop!! My husband has pretty much taken over our old one, and he thought it would be nice for each of us to have our own. So mommy got this:

I am a lover of HP stuff. Mainly because of the prices (DELL forever!), and so when I saw this at the store, I was in love! I really wanted the 15.6” one, but they were completely sold out. By the time I would have gotten to go back up to Best Buy it would have been off sale. So I went with the 14” instead. I got home, unpacked it, and started charging it up! The next day I started transferring all of my stuff from the old computer to my new one. I started going through the pictures when I realized there was something wrong with the screen. Everything looked washed out. People looked too bright, or red. Black and white pictures looked too blue. So I did the “Color Calibration” thing and that didn’t work. I tried adjusting the brightness and that didn’t work either. So, after the first week I wanted to take it back BUT this dumb dumb –points at herself- LOST the receipt. Yes, the mother that saves every gas receipt in the world lost the one that went to her brand new laptop. Way to go!!! NOT! So now, I must live with the washed out screen. It kind of annoys me, but hey it serves it’s purpose. I blog on it (like now) and I upload pictures. So, I shall just deal with it.

Work

I like my job. But sometimes I feel as if I’m not “up to speed”. This stuff is HARD to learn and some customers are flat out rude and won’t even give me a chance. Sometimes I feel as if I’m just holding the company back. I’m not as fast as my manager and sometimes that annoys people. And usually this leaves me with very little to do. I’m feeling a little inadequate. Overwhelmed. Stuck. Not quite sure what to do about it either? My “test” is coming up in June, too. The boss man is taking a vacation and I’ll be here alone for a week and a half! Craaaaaaaap! Pray for me?

Money Money Money

I’m so sad to see you go! But, it’s benefiting us in the long run so I guess, I shall.  Our income tax return came in and it’s now time to say goodbye. And it won’t be spent on a vacation either. {insert sad depressed face here} Today we shall begin the first phase in getting my hubs out of trouble and finally able to get his license. Then, we will send off on medical bills. Pay off the credit card. And hopefully, be at least 2/3 out of the debt we’ve collected! So that maybe NEXT year, we can get a house with our income tax. Or take a vacation at the very least (before they start making us buy an extra ticket for Em). It’s still just a bit depressing knowing what we COULD have gotten instead. Oh well, the price we pay for being “young and dumb”.

Ok, so that about wraps things up for me. I know this post was pretty boring, but this has been it for me. Nothing new, or exciting. Time to get ready for work! 

My Downer Mood Is Starting To Annoy Me..

Today, I had an awful start. My husband really pissed me off at 5 am. And then I had to take him to work. Grr. But then, of course, he apologized and we finally heard back about our POS explorer and it was WONDERFUL news!! There is nothing wrong with the transmission like we thought! Thank GOD!

You see, between December ‘09 and August ‘10 some asshole decided to take off our 4 x 4 shaft. Apparently, disconnecting those wires (because the asshole couldn’t have placed them back when they stole the shaft) is what caused the damn thing to have a few seizures until it finally wouldn’t run over 40 mph without shaking and making a whole lotta racket. Fun, fun!! At the time, we had no clue what the problem could be so I feared the worst. We thought it had something to do with the transmission, and I was all bent out of shape over having to fork over at least $500 (if not more) on a vehicle I didn’t want in the first place!! And then, we found out that the wires just needed to be reconnected and it was in need of an alignment. BAD! This means that, at most, I will be spending $150. Yay!! This means we can finally drive it and not have to depend on my parents to loan us their vehicle when we need to go somewhere!! Yay us! I am seriously tickled fucking pink over this!! –Yes, that explicit term was necessary- So, even with that awful start (and the crappy cold weather), my day is starting to look up!

Now, I just have to send off to get my hubs SR-22, and in about 4-6 weeks he can apply for his license in Texas!! I am NEVER driving again when this finally comes to be! We’ve been waiting 3 years for this! But with all of this “goodness” coming in my direction, I’m still a bit nervous. I’m trying to not get too excited because with my luck (which has NEVER been good) something bad ALWAYS happens. I really hope this time is different though. Please, please, please let it be different?!

Now, taking this post in a completely different direction. I’m so bummed today!! I am wanting a house/place of our own so bad. I would love to be able to furnish and decorate however I want! I want to have a place in working order (electricity/water/ CHA) with an actual fridge and stove. To have those, well, it would be too much for me to take in at once I think! I’d probably pee myself. But, this will not happen for a good long time.  

I’ve been looking at apartments and houses for rent. Unfortunately, most places would not take us because of our family pet Sampson. So, our choices are VERY limited. So far, I’ve found out that we could NOT afford a house. They do credit checks, criminal history checks, most of them have a “no pet” policy, and we’re looking at $800 per month and up. Not to mention most have a $500+ deposit fee. Factor in utilities, most of our bills, and we are left paying at least $1,000+ a month. Ugggh!! We’d have to have a roommate. Which is something I want to stay away from. Then, we have apartments. Again, most around here have a “no pet” policy, and they require criminal history and credit checks. They are a bit cheaper, but the spaces are usually small. Unless we do River Walk again, which is SO not an option for me. The wait list is so long, and there are too many families with little kids that run around unsupervised. THEN, that’s where all the bad crap happened before and I ‘d rather avoid it.

Which brings me to buying. I wish we could buy our own house, but that means permanence. I really would like to get out of this town one day. I’ve stated before that I would love to be closer to the ocean. Away and on our own. But you can’t find cheap prices around beaches the way you can here. And I repeat "I DO NOT WANT TO LIVE HERE FOREVER". Then, there’s this really huge problem with our credit. It sucks! We are below “BAD” when it comes to our score. THANK YOU CREDIT CARDS! So even with us paying stuff off, we’d have to wait another 6-12 months before it would reflect on our score in a positive way.  

Look at the kind of deals we're missing out on:

3bdrm/2bath

Big back yard

Wooden FLOORS

$69,000.00

Yea the town is small, and we haven't really thought about staying here permanently, but most of these homes are in between my family and his. And it would be OURS. It even has a dishwasher!! The paint job inside would have to be redone, but it would be the perfect first home! And I want that! I want a place of our own. A place that Beau, Em, and I could call OUR home. Not "we live with my parents". Not "we stay at his mom's" - never again. And not "Oh we have a roommate". I want a place we wouldn't have to share with anyone. So today, I'm really sad. Because having the option of looking for our dream home isn't even possible right now. All I can do is just pray that the big man has a plan.

Baby steps Raquel...

Baby steps...

Cold Weather

It has been WAY too cold recently. Monday was cool, sunny, and pretty. Monday night, all hell broke loose and we had ice, rain, and a bit of snow. Woke up to a few cars in ditches. All because certain people think that just because you drive a 4x4 you are guaranteed to triumph over anything. WRONG! So, because of this awful snow (ice), I was able to miss two days of work and get to snuggle up with my little punkin! It had not gotten above 20 degrees until today. So, we spent most of our time in PJ’s and had hot chocolate. Emery would not have anything to do with the snow. It was as if she could not be bothered. We’d show her, hold her by the window, and even attempted to take her out in it. She just did not care. LOL! Those two days made me really want to be a stay at home mommy one day. She lets me kiss her all I want right now, and she’s the best snuggler! Unfortunately, by the time I DO get to be a stay at home mom, Emery will be full grown trying to get away from her mom who likes to give kisses and hugs all the time because it’s just so “embarrassing”. LOL!

But alas, all good things must come to an end and today I had to return to work. Meh. But first, a family “argument” ensued over who was taking who to work and why some of us had to actually be there on time. After that 20 minute conversation, it has made things a bit more clear for me. WE NEED TO MOVE. At least by the end of this year. We got our taxes done last Saturday (YAY FOR HAVING KIDS!!) and so I am happy to say that a good portion of our debt will be paid off! Woo Woo! So excited! It sucks that most of that will have to pretty much be “thrown away” but that’s what we get for letting ourselves get that deep in the first place. But then, we’ll be done! Finished! Well, almost. We might even be able to take a FAMILY vacation to California with what’s left!! Squeeeeeeeee! But, that’s getting ahead of myself. Anywho, with most of this debt taken care of, that will leave us open to pay for other things like RENT on our OWN apartment (my credit is shot; no way we could get a house)! We have to save up for it at first because everything will take a down payment or a deposit. But hopefully, we’ll have plenty saved by the end of this year! I say this now, watch something come up or another expense looms its head over us (never fails).

Anyway, I long for our own place. That sense of independence, and the luxury of having your OWN space. Decorating however you like; doing whatever you like. Having a bedroom (with a door), a bathroom (that works), and a living room!! Yes, the little things in life. I enjoy not having to answer to anyone but yourself! Ahhh, the freedoms! Not to mention, my parents would be highly appreciative of us getting out of there! They love us and have been amazing with us, but there are too many people in that house. And with my aunt and uncle going nowhere fast, WE must be the ones to leave. A first step in allowing THEM to have their OWN place to themselves again. Because I know it’s been straining on them as well.

So now, I must tighten the budget. I must start dividing stuff up and making sure we CAN get as much paid off as possible. I want us to get our own place but only if we can afford it. And hopefully, with a few positive changes coming up, we just might get our wish! 

Now What?

I’m frustrated. My parents (by that I mean my mother) want us to stay here.

You need to go to school here. 

You need to graduate here. 

Y'all need to find a house here. 

Y'all need to live here.

You won’t find anything in California.

With the plans Beau wanted to make, I knew that we couldn’t move anywhere until I got an education. But all these damn continuing ed classes have so many damn requirements (half of which take at least 3 months to complete). And if I went into a medical or pharmaceutical field, I’d have to retake a course if I ever moved out of state. ????  Doesn’t that completely cancel out the purpose of me taking the classes here? All the money spent, just to have to RETAKE it in another state? My GOD.

Beau’s job offer won’t be there forever. And that’s such a huge move with nothing. No money. Ugh, and now my mom is nagging at me because she thinks we need to stay here. You just shouldn’t move anywhere. No one could take care of Emery like family. You don’t have anyone you trust in California to take care of her and daycares are awful. But I can’t live right next door to her forever. At some point, we’ll have to leave (for my sanities sake). At some point, both Beau and I will be working and daycare or a babysitter will be a must. It’s going to happen at some point.

Right now, I’m just not sure what I want to do with my life. I have no idea which direction to go in, and I am completely frustrated about it. I am confused as to what to do. I’m frustrated at work. I have no desire to be there. But right now there is nothing else for me? No other jobs are coming up, and they keep feeding my dad lines on when they’ll be able to hire me at FMC. They told Beau to go apply at Square One last Friday and he did. We still haven’t heard back from them. The roofing company he was with hasn’t heard back from any of the bids so there’s no work for them right now. And I am negative in our account again. Money management really isn’t the problem either; it’s trying to live off of $400 checks (every two weeks). Sometimes, I have to overdraft in order to afford diapers or formula. Don’t judge me.

So now what? What do I do? Where do I go? And how do I get there? I have no idea. I wish I could get some kind of a sign.

p/s  After we went for a run this afternoon,

I opened the freezer to get some chicken, and

I noticed that MY bottle of jager was pretty much empty.

My husband decided he was going to drink my booze without telling me.

What a jerk!! I'm a pissed off about it.

Reality

I need to win a couple million dollars so I don't ever have to work again. I need it so I can also pay off all of our debt/bills, have another baby, have the surgery to shrink my tummy and get rid of the stretch marks AFTER I've had the baby, buy a house, buy us another car, be a stay at home mommy, be able to homeschool my little ones (or maybe send to a private school?), and finally to pay for their college education.

That is what I want.

Unfortunately, I will never win that money.

Unfortunately, I will spend a good amount of the money we earn paying off our debt instead of putting it away for EMERY'S college (and future car).

Unfortunately, I will have to work for the rest of my life.

Unfortunately, I will probably have to send Emery to public school.

Unfortunately, we'll have to depend on scholarships to help us get Emery into/through college.

Unfortunately, I will be driving around the explorer until it breaks down.

Unfortunately, I will never get that surgery, and my stretch marks will continue to laugh in my face.  

That is reality.

The point of this?

Just to let you know my reality kind of sucks right now.

I'm in a downer mood, and I feel the need to share.

Blah!! This Sucks!

First, let me start off with some GOOD news. WE have OUR explorer up and RUNNING again!!! YAY US!! No more having to borrow my parent's vehicle!!! Today, my husband is going to get an alignment done, and the inspection sticker. It will be ready to go this afternoon! I am BEYOND excited!! So, at least that's going well.

Next, I gained more weight. I have fallen off the bandwagon. HARD. I have two things to blame for this. My lack of motivation, and my job. My lack of motivation is a big part. I looked at myself yesterday, and I literally felt disgusted. And I thought to myself "Omg, you're never going to be that perfect size 8 ever again..." I feel so ashamed for letting myself go in the first place. But now, trying to lose the weight seems that much more impossible. PLUS, my husband has decided that in a year or two (maybe three, but that's it) he'd like to have another baby. This comes after 6 months of him saying: 

 "No. Absolutely NO more babies! Emery is handful already. How are we going to afford college for her much less another one?! Absolutely NOT. Nuh uh, no way."  

On Monday, he "nonchalantly" stated that we WOULD (in the future) be having another child. He was playing with Emery, dancing around, tickling her, and she was giggling so hard. That's when he stopped and he said: 

"Well, Emery's about to start walking, and in a year or two, she's not going to be as clingy. She's not going to find this stuff as funny anymore, and I'm going to want another baby. So in two years or so we'll have another baby then." 

It came out of nowhere. I did a double take in my head. Was that really coming out of his mouth? Crap! I was just wrapping my head around the idea of us NOT having any more children and then he goes and spouts this off? What the HELL?!?! So, I replied: 

"WELL, it'll have to be in a year or so because I'm not about to get all in shape only to have to get fat again. And I'm not having children after 26. I want to be able to DO stuff once they're both out of the house. AND it's a 50/50 shot that we'll get a boy next time, so I don't want you all mopey if we end up with TWO girls. So we better be sure."

So now, the idea of having to get fat again has seriously messed with my weight loss plan. I KNOW, that I still need to kick my ass back in shape REGARDLESS of whether we decide to get pregnant again. But, seriously?! All that hard work....just to blow up again?! Oh god, that's so discouraging.

So how does my job fit into this? Well, let's just say that my work environment is horrible. It drains me by 11:00 am. I get home, and all I want to do is...nothing. Dealing with bullshit, drama, gossip, and the ongoing power struggle takes a huge toll on me. That accounts for my laziness and lack of energy lately. I mean, seriously, I have to muscle up the energy to shower when I get home. Yea...that bad...