Last Friday, I sat down with my mom and we went over my budget. I made more cuts. I looked into extra discounts on my insurance. And I'm waiting until I can pay my internet bill (it's passed due) before looking into getting it lowered, or last resort...turned off. I'm reverting back to the basics. I know last Thursday's post seemed rather dramatic. I was feeling so overwhelmed, and every little problem just seemed so much more bigger than I could handle at that time. But I wasn't exaggerating when I said that I've fallen behind. Being in such a crappy financial situation really leaves me insecure. It leaves me feeling really helpless, and my anxiety attacks start becoming an every day thing. It's sometimes makes me feel like I'm suffocating for hours before I can calm myself down. I really hate going through that. I really hate how controlling it can be, mentally. So, after the last attack I had on Wednesday I decided to just ask my mom to look over my finances with me in order to start getting back on track. I'm actually feeling pretty good about the plan we have in place.
I had a phone session with my counselor last week too. With all of the rain, and flooding going on I didn't want to chance getting stuck somewhere so we opted for a phone session. I didn't realize how much I needed it until he got on the line. Everything came out: my stress at work, issues with my finances, having to move my daughter's surgery, and the emotional roller coaster I had been riding on the past week. I voiced some concerns which I had been keeping to myself, and some of the feelings I had kept bottled up. Once it was all out there he helped get me back on track a bit. I was reminded of what I needed to be focused on, what was NOT to be my concern anymore, and what I needed to keep working towards. When I hung up I felt refocused, and determined. If any of you are struggling, or even just feeling a bit off I highly recommend talking to a counselor. Mental health is important, and sometimes it's great to have someone who can see things from a different perspective. So, I've come into this week looking forward. I feel like I've found my two words for this year, after looking back at everything over the passed few days. Respect and Forward. Only took me half of the year to "find" them and normally people just use one, but those two seem to pop up for me the most.
I had a bit of an emotional moment last week as well. I blame it on one of the side effects from having a monthly cycle. Everything was just extra...extra heightened. You know? Everything you feel or think is magnified by a thousand during that week. There were a few things that needed to be addressed, and even though things were left kind of open for more discussion I don't think my husband or I will be on the same page in regards to the topics we discussed. So, after everything was said and done I sat on my kitchen floor with a glass of wine, and let myself have a bit of a mopey cry. Not exactly sure what will happen next, because my situation is a little different, but we've talked about the possibility of seeing a lawyer again soon. That's not to say we've decided one thing or another. It's just something that we need to do in order to get more information. This is ALL new territory to me, to him, and I have no idea what we're doing. I have to keep telling myself that it's okay to not be sure. It's okay to not know what my next step is. It's okay to take things a day at a time. It's all okay.
