Yours ≸ Mine

“You find your things to be more important than mine,” is part of the text message I fired off as I got home Friday night. I was angry. After giving three days' notice, of planning and reminders, my partner decided to skip out on a friend’s birthday dinner to stay late at work with his boss. Fine. Then he proceeded to go to the bar with his boss on a night that he knew I had to go pick up my daughter. “Hey, we’re going to the bar, want to come?” I can’t, obviously. It’s fine. He got home late, and then the next day, he spent it sick due to a massive hangover. It’s totally fine. Internally, I was so angry that I spent a good chunk of my evening crying.

You see, we don’t get a lot of free time. Even if my daughter stays the night with her grandparents or at her friend’s house, our time is still spent doing other stuff. Fixing things. Working. Schoolwork. Cleaning. Running errands. House projects. It’s always something. So for us to get a night that is completely free for us to do whatever we want, well I had really wanted to take advantage of that. Instead, I was angry as hell because he had chosen to go out with his boss and friends on a night he knew that I could not go. He had skipped a dinner we had already planned to attend. He came home really late, and probably shouldn’t have driven. And because of this, he was entirely too sick to do anything with me on the following day. I wanted to scream.

“Well, you can still go do something by yourself. Or go with one of your friends,” is the response I got when I asked if he felt well enough to at least go out for dinner. And that was laughable. My friends do not live here and he knows this. The people who I would normally call up to join me for a night out are all gone from this area and any others I may have considered are all pregnant. Doesn’t mean that they don’t want to do anything, just that they’re growing humans and I remember how tired I used to get. So, no. I can’t go with my friends. And going out to dinner by myself? Or a show. While I’m sure it would have been fine it was NOT the point. I just wanted ONE night. ONE night where we could do something that I wanted. A night where maybe I could be the one to get a fruity drink or maybe a (light) beer, and not worry about having to drive home. A night of listening to one of my favorite local bands and doing some dancing. And I wanted to enjoy that night of no worries with him.

Had the tables been turned, I would have never heard the end of it. If I set us back even by thirty minutes on plans that he has made I’m usually met with, “Raquel, you KNEW this was what we were doing. I gave you plenty of notice.” Then I’m being hurried out the door. Because his plans are important. HIS plans matter. And mine are more like suggestions. That dismissive attitude is what pisses me off the most. Because when he makes plans, I don’t skip out on them or make other plans without him. I don’t approach it with a, “Well, that sucks for you but I’m doing something different because I don’t care about your feelings” attitude. This is exactly how it felt for me when he blew off my plans. When he prioritized his boss and his friends over what HE and I had already discussed. And even TALKED about that very morning as we got ready for the day.

I don’t care if he has a guy's night out. He’s had plenty before. What I do care about, is how disrespected I felt. How ignored and insignificant his actions and words made me feel. I care about the bad memories and the crappy feelings that were dredged up because of this. How, for a while, I felt like I did in my previous relationship. And that’s not okay. I did not go through the worst time of my life and claw my way back up only to have someone make me feel the same way. Not after all the years of therapy. Of all the prayers sent up by me and those on my behalf. The years of hard work. NOPE. Not on my watch. And this right here is exactly why some couples go through counseling. Because sometimes, you need an unbiased person to help you communicate. You need someone who will call both of you out on your shit. Because I’m sure everything I just typed up there screams of insecurity and co-dependency issues.

But do you know what the cool part is? This time around I have a partner that is actually open to this. For the first time, I have someone who was all in when I suggested counseling a few months ago. Because we communicate very differently. He processes verbally and I process internally. And sometimes he’s straight-up oblivious to his actions/words, and so am I with mine. On the other hand, sometimes we aren't. Arguments can quickly escalate because we’re both pretty damn stubborn too. Though let's be honest, he is more so than I. And overall, we just handle things very differently. So, even though I was super pissed off all weekend we decided this would be a good topic to cover in our next session. And y’all, weirdly, that made me pretty happy. Plus, that willingness to try things on my terms, is pretty dang attractive.

I’m still mad though.

But it's okay. Because we’ll work through it.

Getting Help and Feeling Better

For a while now I’ve felt my depression creeping up on me. Especially in the quiet moments. So, I kept myself busy. I turned to my usual coping techniques. And for the most part, I kept a lot of it at bay. I dragged my ass out of bed every morning, shook off the sadness, and kept moving forward. Sometimes with a smile; sometimes not so much. I surrounded myself with family, and I’ve done my best to stay positive. But the last week of October I felt everything intensify a bit. My normal stress & depression management techniques were no longer working. I cried; a lot. I felt really alone, even when I knew that I wasn’t. I had moments when I didn’t even want to leave my room. And even though there was a lot I felt happy about; there was like this feeling of sadness that hung over me. Financially, I was finally getting some breathing room so I felt that particular stressor starting to ease a bit. But then, I got the news about the car. And it just felt like for every step forward I made I was taking three leaps backward. So, that’s when I decided to make an appointment with my medical doctor and keep it regardless of how much it was going to cost.

If you’ve been reading this blog for a while then you know I talk a lot about seeking help when you need it. I’m a huge supporter of counseling and therapy. I also think that medications are a great tool to help you get back to being balanced. To feeling better. Whether it’s short term or long term, I say get the help that YOU need. However, that still didn’t stop me from feeling a bit of shame as I walked into my doctor’s building. I honestly couldn’t believe that I wasn’t able to handle all of my emotions and mental state on my own. “C’mon, Raquel, how many times are we going to go through this?” I kept thinking to myself. But then, my doctor walked in. She sat down with me and we talked for about forty-five minutes. We covered everything, y’all. My personal life, work schedule, how I was feeling, what I normally do to keep things in check, and she had me walk her through what an anxiety attack felt like for me this time around. And as I sat there letting everything spill out I actually started crying. “Do you see this? I have no idea why I’m crying right now, but it happens a lot,” I told her. She gave me a hug and told me everything was going to be okay. And all be damned if I didn’t feel some weight lift off of my shoulders. We talked about my previous medication plan, what goals I was wanting to reach, and based off of that she suggested that we stick with the previous plan. I had some blood work done, and then she sent me on my way.

It’s been a week now and I feel so much better, y’all. SO. MUCH. BETTER. I’m sleeping through the nights. I haven’t had a random crying session since that day at the office. I feel more in control of myself. There isn’t this lingering sadness that stains my days. The little things are not bothering me, and even though I’m a worrier I’ve been able to keep it from stressing me out. I can tell that I’m thinking clearer, and I actually feel mentally lighter if that makes sense? So, now that my medication has kicked in I’ll be working on getting back into a workout routine. And I‘ll start back up with my coping/ self-care techniques. Rereading some books that have helped me out tremendously when I go through times like these. And overall, just focusing on getting back to healthy. Both mentally and physically.

So, now I just want to end this post by saying: If you think you need some help, please go get it. Whether it’s a seasonal thing, or something way more serious and intense. Make the call. Talk to your doctor, or find a counselor. There are so many programs out there that will help you out, and several services that are income based. You don’t have to live life feeling like everything is hopeless. Like you’re drowning. There are short-term plans, and longer ones tailored to your specific needs. But it’s up to you. Be open; be honest. Put in the work. And fuck what anyone else thinks. Getting help, and wanting to feel better should never be something that you’re made to feel ashamed of.

Overwhelmed; Regrettable Actions

This month is a loaded one. We celebrate so many birthdays within my family, my spouse & mine included. We celebrate a wedding anniversary. And it's the month of Halloween which is a pretty big day for us. It's the end of a season, and the real beginning of winter for us. For me, it has always felt like a time of change, new beginnings, or endings. I feel like a lot of big moments, or weighted decisions tend to happen during this month. It's also a month that caused so much heartache last year. I haven't written much because this month has been a tough one for me to even get through. To the point that I feel like I'm reliving last October all over again. A lot of old feelings resurfaced, and I've actually seen some of the people who were involved with everything that took place before. Sometimes I catch myself feeling as if I'm grieving. As if time has stood still, and I'm right back to that night. To those days. To those weeks. To those months. I've been feeling like I'm steadily slipping back. And little did I know that there was a lot of anger simmering just beneath the surface. 

This past weekend a lot of stuff came to a head. I had been bottling up a lot of things recently. Trying to dismiss feelings, and just shutting everything out. "I'm fine." I would say. "Everything's great!" I'd proclaim. "No, I'm good, things couldn't be better!" I'd tell those that asked. All with a smile plastered across my face. But that only leads to bad things. And the fallout of the things I said, and the way I acted was almost unbearable. I was so embarrassed, and if I had been in my right mind (read: sober) I would have had better control of how I spoke. Of what I let get to me. Of how I chose to treat people. How I chose to treat him. I was appalling, and I regretted the majority of the venom I spewed out. Not because I felt it, but in the way that I let it be known. Verbally and physically. So for the past few days I've been trying to figure out what I need to do. How I need to get back into the right frame of mind. Because this was not it. I am NOT this person. I am so much better than that. I spoke to a counselor, which helped. I got my ass handed to me by the person I spoke to, and it was a nice reality slap that I needed. A lot of questions were thrown at me like: What if my daughter had been there to witness how I acted? What if someone had decided to call the cops on me? What if I had caused some major damage to myself? To others? There was no coming back from that. The consequences would have rippled to others in ways I couldn't possibly imagine. So I created a game plan. A layout for how I needed to tackle the next few days, and weeks to come. I was given some new coping skills to try out. I'll be removing alcohol from the picture. Working on being more communicative with others because holding it in is not healthy. I'll be setting up another appointment with my doctor, and counselor to get me back on some medication until I level out. I feel so humiliated. It's felt like not just a step back, but leaps and bounds backwards. I felt like the biggest failure. I felt like crap. Undeserving of forgiveness for all of the past I drudged up. I felt like complete shit for lack of a better word.

So, this week has been rough. My words, and actions were not okay. But I'm human. We make mistakes. When I was younger my counselors, and doctors would always tell me that these issues could pop up at any moment in my life. They wouldn't define me, but they could cause some serious damage if I didn't put in the work from time to time to keep them in check. If I didn't take care of myself the way I needed too. Last October those sentiments were echoed. "You need to learn how to control your thoughts. And you need to learn how to not let things/people have control over your emotions. Because if you don't, you'll be a ticking time bomb. Over and over again. This will only lead to setbacks. It'll cause you to question your progress. And it could set you right back down that dark path you've worked so hard to get off of." They were all right. This past weekend I learned just how easily I could be set off. How quickly things could escalate, and change again. I was reminded of just how dark I can be. But now, I'm working on it. I'm trying to get myself better. I don't want to be that person. I don't want these episodes to happen again. I don't want the outbursts. I don't want to allow others to control my emotions, or my reactions. I want to be at peace. I want to be calm. I want to be a good person. And I don't want to go through this again. 

*Before anyone, or if they've already started 

thinking in this direction: NO I have never,

nor would I ever, lash out at my daughter.

My reactions apply to adults only. 

It's Okay

Last Friday, I sat down with my mom and we went over my budget. I made more cuts. I looked into extra discounts on my insurance. And I'm waiting until I can pay my internet bill (it's passed due) before looking into getting it lowered, or last resort...turned off. I'm reverting back to the basics. I know last Thursday's post seemed rather dramatic. I was feeling so overwhelmed, and every little problem just seemed so much more bigger than I could handle at that time. But I wasn't exaggerating when I said that I've fallen behind. Being in such a crappy financial situation really leaves me insecure. It leaves me feeling really helpless, and my anxiety attacks start becoming an every day thing. It's sometimes makes me feel like I'm suffocating for hours before I can calm myself down. I really hate going through that. I really hate how controlling it can be, mentally. So, after the last attack I had on Wednesday I decided to just ask my mom to look over my finances with me in order to start getting back on track. I'm actually feeling pretty good about the plan we have in place.

I had a phone session with my counselor last week too. With all of the rain, and flooding going on I didn't want to chance getting stuck somewhere so we opted for a phone session. I didn't realize how much I needed it until he got on the line. Everything came out: my stress at work, issues with my finances, having to move my daughter's surgery, and the emotional roller coaster I had been riding on the past week. I voiced some concerns which I had been keeping to myself, and some of the feelings I had kept bottled up. Once it was all out there he helped get me back on track a bit. I was reminded of what I needed to be focused on, what was NOT to be my concern anymore, and what I needed to keep working towards. When I hung up I felt refocused, and determined. If any of you are struggling, or even just feeling a bit off I highly recommend talking to a counselor. Mental health is important, and sometimes it's great to have someone who can see things from a different perspective. So, I've come into this week looking forward. I feel like I've found my two words for this year, after looking back at everything over the passed few days. Respect and Forward. Only took me half of the year to "find" them and normally people just use one, but those two seem to pop up for me the most.

I had a bit of an emotional moment last week as well. I blame it on one of the side effects from having a monthly cycle. Everything was just extra...extra heightened. You know? Everything you feel or think is magnified by a thousand during that week. There were a few things that needed to be addressed, and even though things were left kind of open for more discussion I don't think my husband or I will be on the same page in regards to the topics we discussed. So, after everything was said and done I sat on my kitchen floor with a glass of wine, and let myself have a bit of a mopey cry. Not exactly sure what will happen next, because my situation is a little different, but we've talked about the possibility of seeing a lawyer again soon. That's not to say we've decided one thing or another. It's just something that we need to do in order to get more information. This is ALL new territory to me, to him, and I have no idea what we're doing. I have to keep telling myself that it's okay to not be sure. It's okay to not know what my next step is. It's okay to take things a day at a time. It's all okay.

Whiplash; An Update

I've been looking at the previous posts, and that hurt I felt is still very much present. Only it's ebbed a little. As soon as I was able to I started to see a counselor because I wasn't handling things very well emotionally that first week. I did as my husband had asked which was to give him space, and I struggled to get through half a day without crying my eyes out in the bathroom. I smiled for our daughter. I went through the motions. I took a few days off from work, and during one of those days my mother sat me down to say "If you need help, we'll get you help. Just say the word, and we'll find you someone to talk to. You can't keep this all inside." Before her words even fully sank in I scheduled my appointment. And I've been going ever since. 

I've had a great support system throughout all of this which I'm extremely grateful for. I've also learned a lot about myself, and I'm still working through things. So far, I've come to terms with some of the parts that I had a play in when it comes to why things went the way they did in my marriage. I know that there are still plenty of other reasons I have yet to uncover too. But baby steps, right? I've also really, and truly realized that it wasn't all my fault. Some parts were, but not all of it. When I would speak to people about what was going on they'd always tell me, "You know this isn't your fault, right?" I'd nod my head, agree, and just breathe out slowly. Inside was a different story though. I would replay everything, and try to figure out why someone I thought loved me could have so much hate towards me? Obviously, it was me right? There was something wrong with me. If he fell out of love it was because of something I had done, right? What had I done? What did I need to do to fix it? What had I done to deserve this?

As week three rolled around, I slowly realized that I would be okay. I really felt it with every part of me that whatever happened I would come out of it stronger for surviving it. Obviously it was not an ideal situation, and divorce is not something that I wanted. But after leaving my counseling sessions every week I felt like I was chipping away at this huge blackness surrounding my feelings, and invading my thoughts. I was coming home feeling like I was finally constructing a vague/fuzzy outline for how I'd handle what was to come. It was a start. So I continued with the space, and no contact about anything that did not pertain to our daughter. One Friday night I decided I need a distraction so I went to see a band play at a local bar because I had realized that it had been so so long since I had gone to hear a band that I enjoyed. My husband never wanted to go with me to see a band that I liked if they were in town so I just wouldn't go. And even though I was still hurting immensely on the inside I found myself smiling as I sat with one of my sisters and listened to the music. Afterwards, I thought to myself, "You're still here. The world hasn't crumbled. You'll be okay." the entire drive home. And for the first time since he told me about wanting out of our marriage I felt some of the pressure lifting off of my shoulders.Not a lot, but enough to give me s bit of hope.

What I hadn't expected was for my husband to apologize. What I hadn't expected was for him to tell me that the four weeks we've been apart have been miserable for him. That he's seeing now what all he took for granted, and how he was wrong to have blamed everything on me. And I really didn't expect him to tell me that he wanted to work on things in order to give our marriage another chance. But most of all, I didn't expect how hesitant I was to believe what he was saying. Just three weeks before I was being told that I was no longer wanted. And as I begged him to reconsider his decision he had told me "no". So, can you imagine the emotional whiplash that resulted from his words? The confusion, and the doubt. It all clouded my head, and sent me back into this fog I had worked so hard at trying to clear. And still today, I'm not sure how I feel or what to think about all of this.

We mutually agreed to remain separated while we each figure things out. Whether it takes two months, four months, or longer I don't know. We've agreed to take things one day at a time though, and we've agreed on one "date" night a week/weekend. I put that in quotations because those are the nights that we will sit down to talk about how we're feeling, and the direction we're headed. Just to assess where our minds, and feelings are at. This past weekend was our first "date night", and for the first time in what feels like a really long time we were able to talk like civilized people. The discussion never got heated, we each took turns expressing ourselves, and I felt like this was a pretty momentous thing for us. Not just as a couple, but as two individual people. I'd be lying if I said I didn't enjoy our time together that evening. It had been forever since we had last had a dinner together and not only talked about the hard stuff, but the daily stuff as well. It felt pretty new again, and I wasn't sure whether that's a good thing or not. I'm conflicted about what these actions really mean, and it's something that I'm currently working through with my counselor. It was nice though, and I hope that things continue to progress in a good/healthy direction.

This in no way means that we will reconcile. We're both aware that in the end this might not work out. There are certain things that I refuse to budge on because they should not be apart of our lives in any way. I made it clear that there were deal breakers, and he also expressed his as well. But so far this has allowed us to communicate, to actively listen to each other, and to be expressive of the things we miss or don't miss about how our marriage was before. We do still have a lot of love for each other, and that's not something that just goes away. Still, regardless of whether we work things out or agree to part ways we want to be amicable about it. I hope that things change, that we get better, stronger. You all know that was my hope from the very beginning. To overcome and be better people for it. But there's no guarantee that this will be the outcome. For now, we're trying. And that's really all I had asked for; to try.