Goodbye My Little Maven

I had wanted a dog of my own so bad, a female puppy, and I was so excited when I got her. My little Maven Monroe. I could hold her in the nook of my arm, and she would cuddle with me. That lovely little puppy breath, and tiny tongue that would stick out when she would sleep. She rounded out our family, and everything was as it should be. As she got a bit older she became our protector. She always stood between my daughter, and anyone who entered our home. She would look up at us for the okay anytime someone came in before she'd resume her place; gently laying her head down on her bed and closing her eyes. She would bark, and growl in warning if any strangers got too close to our fence. She was a true companion, a perfect example of a guard dog, and one that I was looking forward to having at our side as we got older. As Emery grew up. Whatever may come. 

Recently, within the past four months actually, Maven started to change. Not towards us, but towards our other dog Draco. She would snap at him. Small subtle warnings at first. Then it became fights. Usually pulling them apart would break things up, and she'd apologetically nuzzle against his side and lick his ear. I'd see Draco sigh, and all was forgotten. Then it got more intense, and we'd have to take the end of a broom, shove it between their snouts in order for it to stop. We'd separate them in order for them to cool down. Every time this would happen it was always instigated by her. Normally Draco would just submit, and allow himself to be bitten without fighting back. But I guess he got fed up with being hurt so he stopped allowing it. When the second to the last incident occurred I ended up getting a muzzle. I didn't want to, but I felt like I needed to protect my daughter, and our other dogs. I didn't want to re-home, or send her to a shelter so this was the alternative I chose. Part of being a pitbull owner is knowing that sometimes you have to take these measures in order to prevent something bad from happening. And though I feel in my heart that neither of my dogs would ever intentionally hurt Emery, I couldn't deny that there was a possibility that she could get caught between them. So, we muzzled her, and everything worked well for about two weeks. No fights, and she was very submissive. Even towards Draco. So I believed that this was a good sign.

However, this past Sunday was a tipping point for me. Maven attacked, even while muzzled (it came off at some point), and it was bad. It took taking a bat to both of their snouts three times for them to let go. But by that point the damage was done. Blood on our walls, the bathroom, the furniture, and floor. Both of them panting, exhausted, and dripping in blood. And the worst part is that someone could have seriously been hurt. In fact, they came close to it. So, I spoke to a few rescues about surrendering her to someone who had experience with handling a dog that was- dog aggressive. Maybe finding a foster that would be able to take her, provided they had no other animals or children. Unfortunately, we were unsuccessful so I spoke to someone at our vet's office. They told me that based on her actions, how quickly they were progressing, it didn't look good. They believed, that her behavior would get worse. More aggressive, and possibly towards humans. So for the second time I had to make a choice. And though it completely broke me, I decided to have her "put to sleep". I took Monday off, and I bought her favorite treats. I put our other two dogs outside, and I brought her inside. I gave her a warm bath, and I placed blankets on the couch for us to lay on. I gave her treats while she sat with me. Then I brought her up by my side, and we took a nap together. I told her how much I loved her, that she was a good dog, and then we went outside for a little walk. When we came back in we resumed watching TV, and snuggled on the couch until it was time for us to go.  

A picture I took of us on her last day. 3/20/17

I kept telling myself that I was out of options. My dad met me outside of the vet clinic with the truck, and told me he'd carry her out. She was so swollen, and still had some blood matted on her face as I grabbed her leash. She wagged her tail, tongue hanging out, and strutted into the office like she always did. I signed the paperwork. I spoke with the vet who told me that I was doing the right thing. My child's safety was what was the most important thing. And I told him that was the only reason I was able to walk through those doors. Because I couldn't imagine something bad happening to my little girl. Or anyone else's for that matter. I wouldn't be able to live with myself. So, as they came in with the shot I slumped to the floor, and I held her head in my lap. In between the tears I whispered in her ear: "I love you. You're such a good girl. It's okay...I love you Mae Mae. You're my good girl. I love you." All the while her tail thumped on the floor; first in excitement, and then slowly after a minute...stopped. And that's how I said my goodbye. It hurt, and I cried so hard my body shook as I sat on that floor. I sobbed, and I felt like I had failed her in some way. That I was officially a part of that dumb statistic that anti-pitbull people use in order to claim that this breed is dangerous. FYI: The vet told me that he's seen it in every breed; ours is just larger in size than some of the others. Afterwards we took her out to my parent's land, and my dad buried her. I went home to a house that felt a little empty. Draco hasn't stopped laying by the door since we left on Monday either. But as the day drew to an end I knew in my heart that I did the right thing. I knew that I had tried everything; every alternative in order to avoid having to put her down. They just didn't work.  

Now, I know some people don't understand. They're just "animals" some say. And I get that mentality, because they are animals. It's not the same as losing a child, or a family member. I would never compare it to that. But our dogs are treated like members of our family to an extent. They lay on the couch/bed with us, and spend a good amount of time at our side. They take adventures with us, and go for car rides. They're great listeners, and Maven was my snuggle bug. I had also had her since she was eight weeks old, and I was really attached to her. So, I struggled with the decision, and it made me sick to have to go through with it. Having to walk out of that room without her trotting beside me was rough. I still have her collar, and leash sitting in the passengers seat. And even with all of this I don't regret getting her. I don't regret defending this breed either. I still believe they are great dogs, and make some wonderful companions. It's just that sometimes bad shit happens, and unfortunately it happened with us. So, that's why I let her go...

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Spring Break 2017

I took a week of vacation while the little was out for Spring Break last week. A lot of it was spent at home. Cleaning, cooking, and just enjoying the fact that we didn't have to be anywhere. No school or homework. No customers or emails. It was much needed. But we did have plans for this passed weekend which involved a lot of driving. Still a lot of fun though.

On Friday we made the trip to Dallas to Medieval Times. I originally thought this was a bit pricey, but they usually have several promos you can take advantage of in order to lower the cost a bit. It was a fantastic show, and the food was delicious. Be prepared to eat everything with your hands though. The theatrical part of it was also really great, and you get a pretty cool view of everything no matter where you are sitting. Emery enjoyed herself so much, and told us that the best part was the jousting. Souvenirs also put a bit of a dent in your pocket (ex; a small light up sword was $24.) so we limited Emery to just one. Overall the experience was pretty awesome! 

On Saturday, we made the four hour drive down south to SeaWorld San Antonio. We just did the one day pass without the aquatic water park. They still had rides that we were able to go on, and surprisingly the lines weren't as bad as I had originally expected them to be. The shows/exhibits were really cool. We were able to catch the Killer Whales, Ocean Discovery, and Sea Lions at Play shows. It was very informative, and I can't explain how incredible it was to see such amazing creatures so up close. Emery was in awe of the killer whales, and just how big they were. We sat in the "splash zone" for that one, and Emery had a blast. We explored for a about six hours and I highly recommend taking sun screen (we forgot), a waterproof bag or phone case, towels, and water bottles that you can refill. Oh! And some comfortable shoes with maybe an extra pair of light clothes (shorts/t-shirts). We rode back to my cousin's place in wet clothes and that was not very comfortable. Other than that we had an amazing time! I definitely recommend it if you're in any of the areas that have one. 

The end of our trip came up on Sunday. We made the drive back home, and Emery was very excited about getting to go back to school so she could tell everyone about where she had gotten to go. Next time I think it would better for us to spread out the trips because I felt like I had spent forever behind the wheel of a car. This left me pretty tired on my return to work. Still, it was worth it just to see my little's eyes light up. To see how fascinated she was by the whales and dolphins as well as the knights and horses. We hardly ever get to do anything like this so it was all worth it.

California on My Mind - Part II

I was having a conversation with my boss last week about what we would do, or where we would go if we won the Powerball lottery. Instantly I thought of Southern California. My response was: "I'd buy a house in the Murrieta/Temecula area (3 beds 2 baths) out right. I'd repair everything on the vehicle that I own now: engine, transmission, A/C & Heat, replace all of the plugs, and buy all new tires. I'd set a nice chunk aside to collect interest in a bank, and give the rest to my parents. I'd still go to work in order to pay for daily stuff, utilities, and vacations." He told me it sounded like I had a good plan, and he asked what it was like to live there. What was the appeal? So I started to show him some pictures. Our old house, the different places we got to visit, the scenery, and even the events that they hold there throughout the year for the city. I told him how close everything was: shopping, the beach, & mountains. After I was done he asked me why I had left in the first place? He said that it sound like a great location, a dream spot, with a pretty great community. How did anyone ever convince me to leave? "We had room mates, but at the end of the year all of that was up in the air since everyone was going in different directions. I was 19 with no family there. We were hitting a recession, and jobs were being cut. I had no idea how to handle any of that, and I was terrified. So, I came back home." And that's the truth. 

If I knew then what I know now I would have managed my finances better. I wouldn't have just left the minute things got tough. I would have gone ahead with downsizing apartments, or finding someone who needed a room mate. I would have accepted the two full-time job offers. And then I would have handled things. BUT I say that now only because of what I've gone through. The obstacles, and the hard times. For example: Living in a tiny trailer house while pregnant in the middle of winter, and not having heating throughout the house. The landlord was so crappy, and refused to get it fixed too. I had us, Sampson, and the fish in one of the bedrooms with two space heaters. And I made it through. Or how I went through a pretty rough pregnancy, and months where my income allowed me to only spend about $40 a week on groceries. There were times when I only had enough to make sure that the little was going to have meals, and I went without. But I pushed through every time. I've had a lot of downs, but I've managed to get back up because I had no other choice. If I had known my strength back then I probably would have done things differently. Still, I got Emery out of my decision to come back  home and I wouldn't trade her for the world. So looking back won't change anything. All I can do now is look forward, and start taking the steps to get me where I want to be. 

One of the first questions that my dad asked me was "Is this for you? If things had gone differently with you, and Beau would you still consider moving back?" My answer, without hesitation, was yes. Hell, we could move out there, and still end up getting a divorce one day. Or we could have gotten a divorce yesterday, and I'd still be planning my way out there. For a long time I thought my ties, and my dream of going back were solely because of my relationship with Beau. That I only belonged out in California if he were with me. But that's not the case. And I think I subconsciously knew it when I thought about moving in with my friend in January of last year while Beau and I were separated. So, I see it now. How moving back out there is something I want, with or without him in the picture. I've even kept my eye out on certain business that I might like to work for one day in that area. I've looked into some remote positions that would allow me to work from home once I had a degree. All of that I did for myself while still unsure as to how my relationship would have ended up. So this was a dream that I wanted for myself. I can see my life there, and I would like to one day achieve that.  

Now, after finally allowing myself to start thinking about California again I started to look into what needed to be done in order for us to go back. Pay certain things off. Downsize on belongings. Budget better. Help get my husband a job so that we are no longer a one income family. Then I started to look more closely at the cost of living between here, and there. Which honestly, the difference isn't much. Ex: A house in this town (2 bd 2 bth) will run you about $900 +  $900 deposit. A house in the area/nearby towns we lived in back in California range between $1,000 + deposit & $1,200 + deposit from what I've looked at. And those are homes, not apartments. I spoke to my friend and we compared utility bills, and gasoline prices. There wasn't a huge gap, and once you consider the average income out there it ends up evening out. So it's doable, but we'd have to have a nice chunk saved up before heading out. And we'd have to leave with as little debt as possible. So, a plan is forming. Whether I'm able to achieve it within this year, or the next I have no clue. Maybe it would be better for us to wait until Emery's a bit older before moving, or maybe it's best to do it now while she's younger? I don't have all the answers just yet. But one thing is for sure...it's going to happen. I'm going to do my best to make sure we find our way back out there.

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Visits

Last week we had my husband's aunt come down for a visit. We were able to see here a few times while she was down, and it was really nice. She's been through a lot the past few months, and I'm completely blown away by how often you see her smiling. How she's always in a good, upbeat, mood that seems to be pretty damn infectious. She told us there were bad days too, but that she tried to get passed them the best way she could. But I remember how crappy I felt when my life was all over the place. I remember how hard it was for me to feel like things would get better. So, I honestly have no idea how she does it, but I hope that one day I have as much strength inside of me as she does.

This is James' mom. She laughs with her whole body, carries a camera wherever she goes, and she's always wanting to give hugs. I met her when I was living in California, and she snapped one of the first pictures of my husband (then bf), and I as a couple. I remember laughing so much that day. She's always been a carefree spirit it seems. I really, truly, admire that. Sadly, the visit seemed too short. I wish I had had more time to spend with all of the ladies, but work got in the way. Still, it was great. We had a great afternoon filled with laughs, and food. Wine, and desserts. And I was so happy to see her doing so well. Not letting the light fade, but rather making sure that it was brighter. I wish I had been able to do more, to say more, express more. But I hope the extra long hugs said enough.

California on My Mind - Part I

The other night I had wine. A lot of wine. Well, a lot for someone like me who hasn't drank in a while. And it didn't go well. Further proving that I just shouldn't "indulge" anymore. Not only is the recovery time a lot longer, but I also just let my emotions lead the way in everything I do or say. More on this later. So, it's safe to say that if I do drink again it'll probably be a glass from time to time. Though I'm leaning more and more towards doing away with it for good. However, one of the things that happened while I was guzzling down the glasses was a conversation with one of my best friends about how lucky she was to be living in California, and how I wanted to be back out there so badly. She said she had a room with our name on it, at anytime we felt the need to go back. I joked about selling everything I owned and driving out there as soon as possible. That night I went to bed thinking it was just the wine talking. That the morning would bring clarity, and my brain would think rationally again. 

Only the morning came, and I still felt sad. I realized that I miss my home away from home a lot. And it's something that I hadn't really thought about in awhile, but only because I was so focused on my situation. School, Emery, my job, the separation, and more recently, making things work for my family. I kind of lost sight of a lot of things. Who I was, what I wanted, and some pretty big dreams over the years. I kept saying, well once I finish this I can move on to the next step. Once that's done I can finish school. Once that's paid off we can work on moving to a bigger house. Once that whole phase is finished we can look at starting to pursue passions again. But first this has to be done. EVERYTHING depended on something else. And sure you can say "Well, Raquel, that's just how life works." But does it? At what point did being accomplished, or happy require so many damn steps? And sure you can say, "Well, Raquel, you have a pretty decent life here why mess with a good thing?" But should that be all? At what point did settling become the normal thing to do for people like me? And by "like me" I mean of low income. 

Right now, money is probably the only reason why I haven't done much. No vacations. No trips. My car is in need of major repairs and I have no way of getting them done. There's always a cluster of bills due each week that leave us with barely anything left which is utterly depressing. I'm in a good bit of debt, and though it could be much worse it's still enough to prevent us from getting anything on credit. And more often than not I feel like I'm never going to be able to breathe again. My anxiety kicks in, and I feel pretty fucking hopeless on most days. The crazy part is that I started to feel like this was my permanent. No matter what degree I finally got THIS town would be where I was born, where I lived, and eventually where I would die. Now, for some people that sounds fantastic! Kudos to you guys! And for awhile now I think I started to feel like this too. But once I actually said it out loud, well, it caused a panic attack. I started to feel trapped, and like everything around me felt uncomfortable. If I had had the money I would have drove to California right then and there without looking back.  

So, that was a nice "shocking" experience. And I started to write things down. Reasons why I wanted to go back, and reasons why I didn't. I have many comforts here that I wouldn't have living anywhere else. My parents are close by, it's a small tight knit community, relatively safe with a low crime rate, and it's a decent place to raise a family. Small town life at it's finest, y'all! I finally just asked myself what the main reason was for me to stay here, and my answer: My parents. Not so surprisingly, it all came down to my family. The one I was born into, not the one I had help in creating. My mom and dad are the only emotional reasons why I live here. And even they (with the exception of my mother) have all moved off from the family they were born into. My dad even lives in a different country than the majority of his family. I ended up asking him about his decision to be so far away from everyone/thing he knew, and his response was that as long as he had us in his life he was always happy. So when I told him that I had California on my mind again, he told me "Hey, if that's your dream. You do it. Don't worry about us, we'll love you and support any decision you make. Just make sure you're doing this for you, and that you're capable of taking care of your family." When he said that I felt like I was being given permission to do something I hadn't even realized I wanted, or needed to do. And since then, I've been hoping. Planning. Researching. Because, y'all, California is on my mind. Again...

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