California 2022

I forgot to post about our most recent visit to California. Back in August, we took a pretty short trip to visit family and friends. It was so wonderful being back! We ate a lot of yummy food, got plenty of time in with family and friends, visited the beach, and got some pretty great one-on-one time.

I will say that the beach did us pretty dirty this time around. Apparently, there was a Monsoon warning in effect - which no one had told us about. That’s also on me for not checking. Anyway, the waves were really strong, tall, and choppy. There was hardly any sand, it was all these round rocks. Emery was able to make it passed them, but I didn’t have the same luck. I took a few steps in, had trouble with my balance thanks to those rocks, and got knocked down. I tried to get up, but another wave hit me almost immediately after going down, and then I was dragged out a few feet. My legs, thighs, and hands were pretty scraped up. And Em said that she felt like she was starting to drown, but thankfully was able to go under and push her way forward with a wave.

Once we were both out of the water, we agreed that the Pacific Ocean was really freaking cold, and definitely a “let’s admire from the beach” type of ocean. Definitely not the warm, peaceful, Gulf of Mexico we have here in Texas. We quickly got dressed and decided to walk the pier before grabbing some food and doing some shopping. We got to visit some more relatives and then headed back to Menifee for the night. Our flight was the very next day and we needed to get an early start.

We said our goodbyes and headed to the airport pretty early. On our way, Emery said, “This was the perfect end-of-summer trip mom. And I know we wanted Corey here, but I’m also glad we got a girl's trip - just me and you.” And she was right! While I would have loved to show Corey around, and let him see some of the places/people that had such a huge impact on me - it was pretty great to get one-on-one time with little. I think we need to take these types of trips more often. For now, I’m just glad we got to see as much of our family as we possibly could. It was a fun little trip, and I can’t wait until we get to go back again. Maybe this time Corey will be able to join. 

Wordless Wednesday

Wordless Wednesday

California - Part II

If I were to write about everything that went down from the moment our plane touched down in LAX to the time that we were back up in the air on our way home, I would be writing for at least a few weeks. From the places we visited, the food we ate, and then to the things we did, I could write several posts. But I won’t put you through all of that. Instead, I’ll summarize as best as I can within this post and a final one I’ll publish sometime next week. For your sanity and mine- you’re welcome. 

We arrived as a surprise for my bestie. She had no idea that we were coming, and when we walked out from behind one of the vehicles you could see the surprise on her face. A little bit of “WTF, HOW ARE YOU HERE?” and some “OMG, MY HOUSE IS A MESS DON’T YOU DARE WALK-IN JUST YET!” And then we hugged, holding back tears, for the longest time. My gosh, I had missed her! Her laugh and sarcasm. Her mischievous looks or how she spoke volumes without having to say anything at all. Her sense of style but willingness to just hang out in oversized t-shirts and PJ bottoms. I missed having long talks, and how completely open we can be with each other. There is nothing off-limits when we get together. And just like always, we picked up as if no time had passed by since the last time we were in the same space. 

We had re-introductions all around. Emery and I both met her youngest son for the first time. The girls were so grown up and beautiful. We ate dinner and headed out to a frozen yogurt place in Lake Elsinore. The emotions I felt just driving into Menifee and seeing the city lit up at night almost had me in tears. I was back, y’all. The palm trees, the traffic, and perfect weather. I mean, there I was, sitting outside of a FroYo in CALIFORNIA! I was with my best friend, our kids, and it was the most wonderful Christmas gift. I felt so, so grateful for this experience. We hashed out a few plans but left a lot open to whatever ideas we could come up with as the days came. However, the most important matter of business, according to Emery, was that we went to see the ocean. So the next morning, after dropping off the kids at school, we grabbed some coffee and made our way down to Oceanside. She wanted to see the place that started it all.

California - Part I

On December 10th, I received a message from my best friend’s husband. She had been in a bit of a funk and he wanted to know if I would be able to visit. After checking my account and looking over my financial situation, I told him it would have to wait until the summer. Or possibly, if I were able to scrounge up enough cash, March at the earliest. It wouldn’t just be me going out there, after all, I’d have to pay for Emery as well. So, he asked me for our information and told me that he’d help out with the cost of the flights. I had just started looking for deals when I received an email notification from Spirit Airlines stating that our trip was booked. Only the dates had to be wrong because they were listed as December 12th with a return date of December 16th. 

I immediately sent him a message, asking about the flight information, and he told me that there wasn’t a mistake. “Merry Christmas!” After the shock wore off I realized that I had no idea if I could even go because Emery had already missed several days of school, and even though I had vacation time I wasn’t sure if I’d be allowed to take off with such short notice. After talking to my boss man I was given the green light to say “Yes” to this spur of the moment adventure. I spent the rest of the day getting things in order, and letting the rest of the sales guys know what was going on. The next step was to find out whether Emery was going to be allowed to take the time off from school. Thankfully, after speaking with the admin and having her look over Emery’s attendance I was told she would be okay to miss. I asked them to gather her homework and I would have my mom pick it up for us so she could get a jump start on her work once we got back. 

The next day I spent it getting caught up at work so I wouldn’t leave anything unfinished. When we got home I washed clothes, did some cleaning, made arrangements for our pets, and we packed. Our flight left at 6 AM so we’d have to leave by 3 AM to make the drive and get there on time. It was going to be a really early and long day for us, but totally worth it. In less than 24 hours we would be on California soil. We’d be in a city that saw a lot of my growth, the very messy transition from a teen to an adult. I would be able to hug my best friend, who I hadn’t seen in four years, and I’d get to love on her kids. Emery would get to see the place that inspired her name and as she so excitedly exclaimed, “Mom, I can’t believe I’m actually going to California and I’m actually going to remember it this time!” We checked and doubled checked everything in our bags. And then it was off to bed. Though I doubt either one of us got very much due to our excitement.

Three AM came quickly. We loaded everything up in the car. Decked out in leggings, chanclas, and hoodies we set off on our two-hour drive. We made it in time to clear security, find our gate, and grab some snacks along with breakfast. Now, if you ever fly with Spirit Airlines just know that they charge you for everything so make sure you have some cushion in your budget for that. Since Emery was a minor, and our flight was booked together I had selected the option of Spirit designating our seats instead of having to pay $23 per person to pick them ourselves. I assumed they did the same thing as Southwest Airlines, and put passengers together or in the same area if the flights were booked together. Well, when we checked-in I noticed that they had us at opposite ends of the plane. So, I spoke with one of the women at our gate and she happily switched our seats so we could sit together. And since I had purchased a carry-on, first zone boarding was included for free so Emery and I were able to board the plane first! We grabbed our things and settled into our seats. Within forty-five minutes our plane was backing out from the gate and headed towards the runway.

California on My Mind - Part II

I was having a conversation with my boss last week about what we would do, or where we would go if we won the Powerball lottery. Instantly I thought of Southern California. My response was: "I'd buy a house in the Murrieta/Temecula area (3 beds 2 baths) out right. I'd repair everything on the vehicle that I own now: engine, transmission, A/C & Heat, replace all of the plugs, and buy all new tires. I'd set a nice chunk aside to collect interest in a bank, and give the rest to my parents. I'd still go to work in order to pay for daily stuff, utilities, and vacations." He told me it sounded like I had a good plan, and he asked what it was like to live there. What was the appeal? So I started to show him some pictures. Our old house, the different places we got to visit, the scenery, and even the events that they hold there throughout the year for the city. I told him how close everything was: shopping, the beach, & mountains. After I was done he asked me why I had left in the first place? He said that it sound like a great location, a dream spot, with a pretty great community. How did anyone ever convince me to leave? "We had room mates, but at the end of the year all of that was up in the air since everyone was going in different directions. I was 19 with no family there. We were hitting a recession, and jobs were being cut. I had no idea how to handle any of that, and I was terrified. So, I came back home." And that's the truth. 

If I knew then what I know now I would have managed my finances better. I wouldn't have just left the minute things got tough. I would have gone ahead with downsizing apartments, or finding someone who needed a room mate. I would have accepted the two full-time job offers. And then I would have handled things. BUT I say that now only because of what I've gone through. The obstacles, and the hard times. For example: Living in a tiny trailer house while pregnant in the middle of winter, and not having heating throughout the house. The landlord was so crappy, and refused to get it fixed too. I had us, Sampson, and the fish in one of the bedrooms with two space heaters. And I made it through. Or how I went through a pretty rough pregnancy, and months where my income allowed me to only spend about $40 a week on groceries. There were times when I only had enough to make sure that the little was going to have meals, and I went without. But I pushed through every time. I've had a lot of downs, but I've managed to get back up because I had no other choice. If I had known my strength back then I probably would have done things differently. Still, I got Emery out of my decision to come back  home and I wouldn't trade her for the world. So looking back won't change anything. All I can do now is look forward, and start taking the steps to get me where I want to be. 

One of the first questions that my dad asked me was "Is this for you? If things had gone differently with you, and Beau would you still consider moving back?" My answer, without hesitation, was yes. Hell, we could move out there, and still end up getting a divorce one day. Or we could have gotten a divorce yesterday, and I'd still be planning my way out there. For a long time I thought my ties, and my dream of going back were solely because of my relationship with Beau. That I only belonged out in California if he were with me. But that's not the case. And I think I subconsciously knew it when I thought about moving in with my friend in January of last year while Beau and I were separated. So, I see it now. How moving back out there is something I want, with or without him in the picture. I've even kept my eye out on certain business that I might like to work for one day in that area. I've looked into some remote positions that would allow me to work from home once I had a degree. All of that I did for myself while still unsure as to how my relationship would have ended up. So this was a dream that I wanted for myself. I can see my life there, and I would like to one day achieve that.  

Now, after finally allowing myself to start thinking about California again I started to look into what needed to be done in order for us to go back. Pay certain things off. Downsize on belongings. Budget better. Help get my husband a job so that we are no longer a one income family. Then I started to look more closely at the cost of living between here, and there. Which honestly, the difference isn't much. Ex: A house in this town (2 bd 2 bth) will run you about $900 +  $900 deposit. A house in the area/nearby towns we lived in back in California range between $1,000 + deposit & $1,200 + deposit from what I've looked at. And those are homes, not apartments. I spoke to my friend and we compared utility bills, and gasoline prices. There wasn't a huge gap, and once you consider the average income out there it ends up evening out. So it's doable, but we'd have to have a nice chunk saved up before heading out. And we'd have to leave with as little debt as possible. So, a plan is forming. Whether I'm able to achieve it within this year, or the next I have no clue. Maybe it would be better for us to wait until Emery's a bit older before moving, or maybe it's best to do it now while she's younger? I don't have all the answers just yet. But one thing is for sure...it's going to happen. I'm going to do my best to make sure we find our way back out there.

California on My Mind - Part I

The other night I had wine. A lot of wine. Well, a lot for someone like me who hasn't drank in a while. And it didn't go well. Further proving that I just shouldn't "indulge" anymore. Not only is the recovery time a lot longer, but I also just let my emotions lead the way in everything I do or say. More on this later. So, it's safe to say that if I do drink again it'll probably be a glass from time to time. Though I'm leaning more and more towards doing away with it for good. However, one of the things that happened while I was guzzling down the glasses was a conversation with one of my best friends about how lucky she was to be living in California, and how I wanted to be back out there so badly. She said she had a room with our name on it, at anytime we felt the need to go back. I joked about selling everything I owned and driving out there as soon as possible. That night I went to bed thinking it was just the wine talking. That the morning would bring clarity, and my brain would think rationally again. 

Only the morning came, and I still felt sad. I realized that I miss my home away from home a lot. And it's something that I hadn't really thought about in awhile, but only because I was so focused on my situation. School, Emery, my job, the separation, and more recently, making things work for my family. I kind of lost sight of a lot of things. Who I was, what I wanted, and some pretty big dreams over the years. I kept saying, well once I finish this I can move on to the next step. Once that's done I can finish school. Once that's paid off we can work on moving to a bigger house. Once that whole phase is finished we can look at starting to pursue passions again. But first this has to be done. EVERYTHING depended on something else. And sure you can say "Well, Raquel, that's just how life works." But does it? At what point did being accomplished, or happy require so many damn steps? And sure you can say, "Well, Raquel, you have a pretty decent life here why mess with a good thing?" But should that be all? At what point did settling become the normal thing to do for people like me? And by "like me" I mean of low income. 

Right now, money is probably the only reason why I haven't done much. No vacations. No trips. My car is in need of major repairs and I have no way of getting them done. There's always a cluster of bills due each week that leave us with barely anything left which is utterly depressing. I'm in a good bit of debt, and though it could be much worse it's still enough to prevent us from getting anything on credit. And more often than not I feel like I'm never going to be able to breathe again. My anxiety kicks in, and I feel pretty fucking hopeless on most days. The crazy part is that I started to feel like this was my permanent. No matter what degree I finally got THIS town would be where I was born, where I lived, and eventually where I would die. Now, for some people that sounds fantastic! Kudos to you guys! And for awhile now I think I started to feel like this too. But once I actually said it out loud, well, it caused a panic attack. I started to feel trapped, and like everything around me felt uncomfortable. If I had had the money I would have drove to California right then and there without looking back.  

So, that was a nice "shocking" experience. And I started to write things down. Reasons why I wanted to go back, and reasons why I didn't. I have many comforts here that I wouldn't have living anywhere else. My parents are close by, it's a small tight knit community, relatively safe with a low crime rate, and it's a decent place to raise a family. Small town life at it's finest, y'all! I finally just asked myself what the main reason was for me to stay here, and my answer: My parents. Not so surprisingly, it all came down to my family. The one I was born into, not the one I had help in creating. My mom and dad are the only emotional reasons why I live here. And even they (with the exception of my mother) have all moved off from the family they were born into. My dad even lives in a different country than the majority of his family. I ended up asking him about his decision to be so far away from everyone/thing he knew, and his response was that as long as he had us in his life he was always happy. So when I told him that I had California on my mind again, he told me "Hey, if that's your dream. You do it. Don't worry about us, we'll love you and support any decision you make. Just make sure you're doing this for you, and that you're capable of taking care of your family." When he said that I felt like I was being given permission to do something I hadn't even realized I wanted, or needed to do. And since then, I've been hoping. Planning. Researching. Because, y'all, California is on my mind. Again...

📷: credit

Goodbyes

Today your family has to let you go. Gigi told me what you did before Thanksgiving. I hope you know that we're all proud of you. And I'm still praying that when it comes time that you'll breathe on your own. I believe in miracles, and I know God can do big things. But if you can't...it's okay. If you don't want to come back...that's okay too. You're going to be missed, James. I understand how big of a pull that better place probably is though. That peace. I also know that sometimes we don't get what we want in life. No matter how hard we pray for it. Maybe we're being selfish with our request? Maybe this decision isn't up to you? I guess I'm just really grateful for the time we did get with you. I wish it had been longer. I know about the struggles, and I know that life wasn't easy for you. But I'll always remember you as the surfer kid who smirked before giving that full blown smile, and had such a silly sense of humor. As the guy who wanted to change his life for the better, and was so close to getting on that path. So whatever happens, rest easy. We love you, and we carry you in our hearts. 

Always. 💕

James

It was February 2009, and still a bit chilly out, but I was so excited to be back in California that not even the cold could ruin my mood. We were on our way to the beach, but first we were making a stop at one of Beau's cousin's house. I remember walking up to the little house with palm trees in the front yard. We walked up to the front door, and through the screen I could see one gigantic rottweiler just staring us down while giving a low growl. Right behind him was this young thin framed kid, who looked like he had just woken up, reaching over to unlatch the door.

You had a smirk on your face. I will never forget that. Your eyes crinkled when you smiled, and your head was shaved down pretty short which I later learned was basically your staple look. I remember how you laughed, and cracked jokes. The night before had been pretty wild for you, and your brother at this party you were telling us about. You were both just waking up, and once we arrived all three of you started making plans to have the rest of the family meet up for lunch. But first, I had to see the ocean. I had to go stand on that beach. You told me it was a good day for it. We stayed there about thirty minutes, smoking, and talking about your plans. About ours. I had a plastic bottle in my hand, and I remember tapping it on my leg. Everyone was making their way out of the room, and as I started to get up I looked down for a moment. As I looked back up I was face to face with the rottweiler. He started to growl, and there I was half sitting, half standing; frozen. Your brother and Beau had walked into the kitchen, and you were coming back in to grab some papers. I'm sure you saw the panic on my face because this dog was almost the size of a Saint Bernard, and I had no idea what to do other than to stay still. I remember you laughing. I remember scowling at you, as you said "Give him the bottle." Everyone else came back to see what was going on. "He's not going to let you out of the room until you give him the bottle." So, I slowly offered up the bottle, and that giant of yours snatched it from my hand and trotted off. And then you smirked.

It was February 2012, and it was cold in Texas. I had just gotten home from work, and Beau had told me that his cousin was coming over. He had been there a few months already to "get his shit together", but now he was off to better things. He was going home. But he needed to stay the night. I can't remember what time he came in, and truth be told I was so damn tired with classes and work that I really didn't care. It was Thursday, and I just wanted to make it through Friday without falling asleep at my desk. So I was a little agitated when Beau asked if I didn't mind waking up earlier (than originally planned) to take his cousin into town so he could grab a few things before catching a bus ride out of town. Saying goodbye to that extra hour of sleep, I agreed.

You were up before I was. Excited to be going home. We had a 25 minute drive ahead of us, and I'm sure the fact that I wasn't a morning person became very apparent, very quickly. I don't think I was rude; just tired. I felt like I was moving in slow motion. After getting dressed, we bundled up, and you said your goodbyes to Beau. Then we were off. I asked you why you were leaving so soon? Was Texas really that bad? "It's not home," you said. "And what exactly is home?" I countered. "My family, the beach, the salty air! Don't you remember it?" you asked me. "Well of course I do, but sometimes going home isn't always in the cards. Sometimes we can't go back until we've learned what we need to from being where we currently are in life." I explained. You laughed at me, crinkled eyes, and simply said, "Home is home. You always find your way back." So I asked you what you would be doing? You explained your plans, and what you hoped would happen when you got there. You told me to pull into Starbucks, and you bought me a coffee. We sat there in line and I kept asking you questions. Where would you go? What's the first thing you'd do? Do you remember what you told me? You said, "When I get back I'm going to get on my board, and paddle out. I miss surfing! I miss the beach. You have nowhere to surf here; Texas should really fix that." I laughed and rolled my eyes as you asked, "How can you stand being so far way from the ocean?" Looking over I simply stated "I grew up here, I'm used to it. Oceanside spoiled me though. I do miss the beach."  You smiled and shook your head before continuing, "Well, anyway, I'm going to sit on my board as the waves lap under me. And I'm going to enjoy the ride." We continued talking about small things, and as I dropped you off at your Aunt's house I gave you this awkward side hug. You told me that you'd see us the next time we came out to visit. And I told you that it would probably be you coming back to visit us first. "Maybe," you replied as you closed the car door. I rolled down the window, "Hey! Take care of yourself, okay?" I called out. You turned around, and waved. And then you smirked.

It's November 2016. It's chilly, but unusually warm for this time of year. We got the news on Thanksgiving morning. It wasn't good. But we prayed, and that request branched out to others as well. There was hope, and every single moment that my mind was not focused on something else it was praying for him. I prayed as I drove, and right before bed. I prayed when I woke up, and as I got dressed. On Saturday we were told that things looked better, and we all sat in Gigi's kitchen crying, hugging, and thanking God. There was this sigh of relief, and it's as if we didn't realize we had been holding our breath. We prayed some more. We had hope. We smiled, and we clung to that progress so tightly that our fingers would have turned white had it actually been a physical rope. But then Sunday morning greeted us, and you had gotten worse. 

I am so mad at you, kid. "Wake up, damn it." You never came for that visit. We didn't get a chance to go see you. "Wake up." A lot of people are hurting right now, do you see it? Do you see how loved you are? How much you are wanted? You were supposed to beat this. Grow old, meet that soulmate I know is out there for you, and have a bunch of kids. Okay maybe just two? "Wake up." You were supposed to be there when we finally get a chance to go back to that beach. Your beach. My beach. And I needed you to let me borrow a surfboard, to help me paddle out, so I could have that "eye opening" epiphany I know is waiting for me out there on those waves. "You have to wake up." You are kind, funny, caring, and loyal. That is apparent in all of the ways that you treat your friends and family. You are also set in your ways, and so damn stubborn. You made mistakes, I get it. And you slipped into a life that we all would rather you didn't. But we all have our faults, and every one of us has issues. Don't you see that? "Wake up, wake up." Today is your birthday. You're now twenty seven years old, and this is not how it should be spent. There should be drinks, and dinner. A party, and gifts. You should be visiting your mom, and thanking her for giving you life because she's a champ for going through childbirth without wine. Today is your day, kid. "Move." I didn't get a chance to really get to know you. But the handful of times that we spoke I knew you were a great person right off the bat. Do you remember the times you spent at our house, the rundown little shack, and how you'd bring us left over food from the steakhouse? The coffee you bought me when you knew I had been up for a long stretch? Your love for animals, and how kind you are to them. I mean, Sampson loved you when you came over. And the way you held Emery when she was little, and made the peek-a-boo faces with her. Yea...I caught that. These were all the things you did because you are good. Cracks and all. And a lot of people need to see that. You have your whole life ahead of you, and I need you to take it. "Please...wake up..."

Whatever happens, I will always remember this smile. That smirk. The way your eyes light up, crinkle up, and that laugh. I'm still praying for a miracle. I'm still holding onto hope, and I am grasping so tight because I don't want to let go just yet. All of this emotion from someone who only met you a few times is probably weird, huh? But you're Beau's family, and that makes you my family. His loss, and their loss is also my own. We always asked about you, and hoped that one day something would click. I looked forward to hearing that you were doing well. I found out from Gigi that things were turning around for you, and maybe that's why this reality is so hard to accept right now? You are such a light, James. For so many, and it sucks that you might not even know it. I know Beau doesn't say much or show much emotion when around everyone, but trust me when I say that inside the privacy of our home he let it out. The anger, the sadness, the hurt, and the loss was all there. We are all feeling it. I hope you know how loved you are though. How much your absence would/will be felt. But most of all I wish you peace in whatever comes. Until we meet again...💚

*The picture above was taken by his mom. Credit goes to her.

Summertime And The Livin's Easy

This song has nothing to do with this post, I just like it because it reminds me of sunny California and it has "summertime" in the lyrics. Enjoy.

Summer is finally here, and with it comes summer school for me. Surprisingly, it's been a pretty manageable schedule. Not having such a huge course load eases things up a bit, but that doesn't mean it's been easy. I have homework every night of the week, and discussion boards for at least four of those nights. I'm actually enjoying the subject though. I can almost see the light at the end of the tunnel. Almost. I have two and a half more years of studying and school in order to finally graduate with a Bachelor's degree. Thinking of that number, and those years being spent on that rather than doing normal things is a bit saddening. Still, I'm really excited to be going to a school that's close to home in the fall. 

Emery graduated preschool back at the end of May. When we didn't immediately take her to her new elementary school (which she will be attending in the fall) the day after Pre-K graduation she was pretty bummed out. Not getting to see her friends as often as she was before only added to her sadness that first week. However, we've come up with some pool time compromises. And I'm hoping that we'll be able to enroll her in some gymnastic classes as well. Now, since she's out for summer my sister-in-law has been staying with us. And if I forgot to mention before my brother-in-law is also living with us at the moment. So, we have a full house. I'm always worried about money, and how this makes more mouths to feed. It also causes our bills to go up, and of course means bigger messes to clean up after. Thankfully, both my sister-in-law and brother-in-law have helped out a lot when it comes to work around the house, cooking, and cleaning. I'm truly grateful for that. 

So far our summer has consisted of lounging, pools, a wedding, some dancing, lake trips, and TV binge watching. Last week was so hectic that my anxiety hit an all time high I think. Combine that with my lack of gym time, and I felt so on edge. Still we survived. Everything turned out great, but I now have no nails. None. This week I spent a lot of time catching up on homework, and of course the papers/questions are getting longer as we get further into the course. So again, I've gone with very little gym time which has been really difficult for me. I'm almost at the point of considering 4 am wake up calls just to fit them in. Almost. In other news, my husband will be headed out to California for one of his best friends wedding next week. He'll be out there for four days and I'm a little jealous. Unfortunately, after all of the unexpected expenses that came up we could only afford to have him go out. Not that he's completely broken up over having to spend an entire weekend alone with his boys who he hasn't seen in over 4 years. :-P He was able to get a preview a few weekends ago, but this time it'll be the three amigos reunited again. And even though I'm a little jealous I'm also really happy that he gets to do this. He'll get to see some of his family out there and visit with his cousins. This trip is going to be good for him, and he's also excited about it. 

Next month we also have some things planned. I mainly want to go out hiking, and maybe take a camping trip. I know that the aquarium is on our list as well as, possibly, the zoo again. If Emery requests it otherwise I will definitely skip out on that. I also want to head up to see some showings at the Omni Theater if we can because it's such a cool and educational place to visit. I haven't been in a really long time, but I've heard it's only gotten better. Obviously this all depends on funds and time, but I'm hoping that at least half of our list gets accomplished this summer. As soon as we get some pictures I'll post about the wedding this past weekend. I'll also post about the bachelorette party that led to a spontaneous Pure Romance party, as well as some more stuff about kayaking. Until then, that's all I've got for you folks! Hope everyone is having a pretty rad summer so far!

Okay, Now You're Just Being Mean

Today is a lovely day. The sun is out and the weather man is claiming that it'll be about 75 degrees out. The time change kicked in yesterday so now we're getting some extra time to enjoy all of the sunshine. The only things missing at the moment are my best friend Kami, and a beach. Which brings me to the topic of my post today. Feel free to skip this one if you're tired of hearing me talk about the west coast. :)

At the beginning of February Emery mentioned her cousin Ashlynn. She asked if we could get on a plane to go see her. After telling her that we couldn't go she just sighed and crossed her arms. Then on the weekend of Emery's birthday party, I ended up behind a huge truck that was carrying a huge yacht. The truck pulling it had an address on the side which stated that it was from Oceanside Beach, CA. A week later I came out of class and the two cars on either side of me had California license plates. Not even kidding. That following weekend I was headed into town to get some movies, and this truck with a huge "SOCAL" sticker passed me by. On my way home, the same guy passed me AGAIN. Clearly, California has been on the brain for me to be noticing all of these things. So, I get that a lot of these could be chalked up to me seeking them out. Since I miss it so much right now my brain is just noticing anything that has to do with the state. But then last Monday, I received an alert from Travelocity, informing me that they had round-trip tickets to San Diego on sale for their 48 Hour Event. I'm talkin' less than $350 per person round trip here. Unfortunately, I had to pass them up. 

Now, as much as I had hoped that we would be able to plan a visit out there for this summer, it's not looking too likely. So all of these little "signs" are just starting to seem kind of cruel. You hear that, universe? Cut your shit out! And to add salt to the wound, apparently this Flickr group I joined back when I lived in California recently gained a new administrator and they just added a bunch of pictures that of course have to pop up on my feed today. So for your enjoyment and my further torture, behold the place I used to live at and want to return to so badly but can't:

via

via

via

p.s All of the sources are located below the picture. And these are just a few that showed up on my feed. 

Second Home, Homesick

Over Christmas & New Years we had family from California down for a visit. I can't tell you enough how great it was to see them! Emery was able to play with cousins around her age, and she had such a blast with them. When it was time for them to leave we were sad to see them go. We were all left wishing we'd have just a few more days with them. Even now Emery still asks if we're going to her Gigi's house to see Ashlynn, CJ, and Joshie. When I tell her they went back to their home in California, she insists that we go too.

And, ohhh how I wish we could! While they were down, I had a huge case of the "second home, homesickness" (yes, that's totally a thing). They came out with funny stories of our family and friends back in California. They told us about their recent adventures and new additions to our family that we haven't even met yet. And it all just made me miss our family and old home out there. I miss Muerrita, Temecula, Oceanside, and even ANZA! It made me miss being able to take day trips because everything was so close by, and their was always something to do. It made me miss my best friend and her big family. And I really miss the great weather. Oh, I just MISS it ALL! I don't think I'll ever not miss California. Sorry, I'm not sorry to those that are sick of me talking about it.  :)

Since we haven't been able to go out there I was pretty excited that they were able to come visit us. I've missed them so much! Now, here's hoping we get to see them again soon, and maybe next time it'll be us visiting them. Fingers crossed! 

this picture via Taylor

A Short Recap Of The Holidays

Well hello, 2014. That definitely came up a lot faster than I expected. Hope everyone had a wonderful Christmas and New Years! Here's a SHORT (it only looks long because of the pictures) recap of what we were up to: 
I had the whole week of Christmas off (paid), thanks to a really wonderful boss! I don't know how I got so lucky to find this company but I am truly grateful for it. My first day of vacation was all planned out, when we got the news that one of my aunt's sisters died very unexpectedly (she was in her 40's) from the flu. And that kicked off a very hectic holiday for us. We had family from Georgia coming down again, and family from California coming in at the same time. 

my uncle at the last minute decided to hold up his "gat" and blocked my face :( also this was only half of us
On Christmas night, our puppy Gotham died after getting into some cow patties out at my husband's grandmother's house. As far as we can tell, she probably got into some poisonous mushrooms. She vomited a few times during the day, but then went back to her normal self. I assumed she was just hacking up whatever didn't agree with her because she seemed fine as we headed home. She was bouncy, and playful so nothing seemed out of the norm. We put her in her crate for the night and when we woke up she was gone. :( We were all very heartbroken, and at a loss. This makes two dogs in less than three months so my husband and I have decided to hold off on any more dogs for awhile. Unless something comes up, we won't be seeking to add another fur-baby to our family anytime soon. 

We officially said goodbye to our old house. We gathered what we could bring with us (read: what would fit in a tiny room) and shut everything off at our old house. We left behind the majority of our things that will be boxed up as soon as we find our own place, but for now we'll keep them there. My family has talked about knocking the house down as soon as we're all moved out. It's sad, bittersweet, but the house is not livable so there are hardly any other alternatives. There are so many memories in this house, on this land, and it makes me so sad to see it go.   

We rang in the New Year with Beau's family. The afternoon was spent at my parents house with them, so we were able to spend time with both of our families. But, being the responsible adults that we are, we wanted to make sure that we stayed wherever it was that we'd be drinking at. I don't mean getting drunk either because I had two glass of wine and my husband had 3 beers. I don't like driving anywhere regardless of whether it's one drink or six. So we stayed there with everyone. Our age is showing though because out of all of us only 4 adults stayed up to midnight. And we went to bed shortly after the countdown was over. :) 

I know this says Christmas but it was taken on New Years Eve. I did not take this either; credit goes to Taylor.
So that was our holiday. Our California family have returned to California and the last of our Georgia family will be leaving over the weekend. My vacation time was a lot busier than I had hoped but I enjoyed getting to see everyone. Now it's back to work, and back to school. I have a meeting with a student board next week, and if everything goes as planned my spring semester will start on the 13th. We're also currently looking at some houses and I'm hoping to be in our own place by the end of this month. Fingers crossed! Again, I hope you all had a wonderful time with your families over the holiday's! 

About Today: January 28th

Today, it was humid and a bit cloudy. 70 in Texas in January? 

I heard from my soul-mate. 

I found out that I needed to catch up in one of my classes after being sick. 

I decided that I need to save up for a vacation. 

I reflected on my weekend, filled with wonderful family. Post to come. 

I came to the conclusion that global warming is in fact, in effect.
I went an entire day just eating fruits and veggies.
I finally sorted out some personal issues.

And I missed California. Very much. 

In The Cards...

Monday I read Erica’s post about saying goodbye to Hawaii, and it brought back a lot of memories for me about leaving California. See, lately I’ve been really itching for change. I’m a creature of habit for the most part, but sometimes I find myself feeling a bit unsettled, a bit stuck, and a bit overwhelmed. I’ve finally gotten into the swing of our new schedule for the most part, but now that I have I can feel myself becoming cagey. Itching for a tiny bit of change. But mainly a change in scenery. Even if it’s just for a few days. Because after this past month of classes I’m in need of a vacation.

Now, when I start feeling like this I always think of California. I start to remember the smell of green as we drove down Jefferson at night. I remember the winding road leading up to Anza from Hemet. I remember how it smelled like rain when we drove past all of the vineyards. I remember how cold it got my first winter there, but only up in the mountains. I remember sitting in traffic with the windows rolled down, listening to music, and enjoying the feel of the heat on my skin. I remember how the air tasted salty the closer we got to the beach. I remember everything that I loved about living on the West Coast and in that moment all I want is to pack up our stuff and go back. Because, you know, in "dreamland" that always works out.

Now as much as I would love to be back there right this second someday I’m not exactly sure that life will take us back down that path. I want it to. I want California to be in our future again more than you can imagine, but I’m not sure it’s in the cards for us. So for now I'm forced to enjoy the idea of getting to visit. But even on visits, saying goodbye leaves me a little bit brokenhearted each time. But who knows, maybe we will make it out there again. Maybe our time here is just a way for me to finish up a chapter I skipped when I was younger? Or maybe California will forever be the place that helped me grow and nothing more? Whatever happens in our future, I'm forever grateful for the time spent and the friends made out in So Cal.

=) 

crappy panorama shot

Happy Birthday Miss Kamille

Happy Birthday to my bestie!! **Happy Dance** My lovely Miss Kamille turns 24 today, but doesn’t look a day over 18. As exciting as that is I’m so sad that I’m not there to celebrate with her. Still, today is her day and I hope it’s a wonderful one! This is for you:

Dear Kami,

The reason for this letter is so I could say that I LOVE YOU. When Sarah told me that we were going to hang out with some friends that sat in her booth at Pizza Hut all those years ago, never did I imagine the impact you would have on my life. It was pretty life changing and I am so glad that it happened. You became one of the most important people in my life. And I can’t say that about many people these days. From that moment on you became my best friend. I can't imagine not having you in my life. 

Kami, you taught me that it’s okay to need Starbucks, twice three times a day. You taught me that sometimes make-up was just not necessary. BUT always make sure eyebrows were done. You taught me that it was perfectly okay to watch cartoons all day. That sometimes, doing nothing was the best thing you could ever do. And that it was okay to stay in my PJ’s all day. You even taught me that it was okay to cry for no particular reason. Sometimes you just need to get shit out, and crying is the only way to do it. You also made the most boring everyday trips pretty damn entertaining. Admit it, we had some pretty magical trips to Taco Bell! LOL! Except that one time you tried to drop me off at Wal-Mart. Yea, hooker, I still remember that. But it’s okay, I forgive you. I was the dumbass that started getting out of the car anyway. Ha! You also taught me that I am worth more. That I deserve the best. You taught me that no matter what life throws at me, I can come out of it with my head up. So thank you, for all of those wonderful things.

Now, on to the things I admire about you. One is your lack of “brain to mouth” filter. We are really alike in that department. Always speaking our minds. I instantly knew that I could talk to you about anything! I never worried about offending you because more than likely you were thinking the same thing. I also admired your inability to put up with bullshit. You never hesitated in cutting negative people from your life and that’s something I’m glad you taught me how to do. But most importantly, I admire your strength. You haven’t had the easiest life. But you never complain. You always find some way to make things better. To be positive of what you go through. I know sometimes you wanted to breakdown and scream. I remember a few phone calls made at 3 am. But no matter what, you’ve always managed to pull yourself together, and do what you have to for your family. You are one hell of a woman.

This is probably the longest we’ve gone without living within driving distance since we met. And there isn’t a day that goes by that I don’t miss you. Truly. You’re opinions, and your words are always missed. I know we've talked about how hard it is for us to make friends because of how we are, but if I’m going to be honest I haven’t met anyone that lives up to you. I’m constantly comparing other people to you. Just ask Beau. You left behind some pretty big shoes for people to fill, and no one has even come close to filling them. I can only hope that I've at least been half the friend to you, that you’ve been to me. And today, I’m really sorry that my ass is stuck here in Texas instead of there in California. You are my best friend, and I’m sorry that I couldn't be there for you on your day. Still, I hope it was wonderful. I hope you were able to do something for you. No one deserves it more than you!  Happy Birthday! 

Lots of Love,
Raquel

p.s. If things don’t work out for us with our significant others,

let’s just become lesbians and get married?? ;-)

Thank You, Skype

As you all know, I miss California. I talk about it a lot, and one day I hope we get to move back. But for now, we are here. I’m not sure what the future hold for us, but no matter what California will always be a place we choose to visit because of all the family and friends there. It will always be a part of our lives and that itself makes me pretty happy.

But the one person that I left behind, and miss every day, is my best friend Kami. We’ve known each other for eight years, and we’ve both been through a lot together. We’ve traveled together, lived on each others couches, and moved together. More than once in some cases. Words can not describe the love I have for this girl. Seriously. And I mean that in the best friend sense, not the lesbian sense. She’s the only person that doesn’t give a f**k about what people think just as much as I do. I’m pretty sure that our friendship sprouted from how compatible our “No Bullshit Tolerance Meters” were. We’re a lot a like, very different, and yet we work. God, I sound like we're in a relationship, huh? LOL! But seriously, Kami is someone who is really important to me.

She has always been my “tough love” friend as well as my voice of reason. She cares enough to tell me things straight up. No sugar coating. And I do the same for her. Because sometimes we need to hear it. And we are always very open and honest. This is probably why I don’t ever try to hide my bluntness. I have someone in my life (other than my husband, but he doesn’t count) that appreciates my frankness. We can talk about anything and everything under the sun, and not ever feel embarrassed , ashamed, or like we shouldn’t talk about it. Our friendship is pretty awesome. So, maybe you can see why I miss having her in my daily life?

But now, thanks to Skype, I get to talk to her and see her at the same time! She recently got her computer and DSL hooked up. She sent me a message letting me know she had downloaded Skype and viola! Saturday night we had ourselves our first Skype date. You guys have no idea how much I had been missing our talks. We talked for 3 hours. We were able to catch up, talk about FEELINGS, our kids, and have some very adult conversations. It was fantastic, and very much needed on both ends.

We’ve made plans to do this at least once a week if possible. She’s got her hands full with 6 kids (two of which are her step kids), and my schedule is always busy. With me taking on an extra course this fall, I can only imagine it’s about to get busier. So we’ll make time as we go. I still miss getting to actually hug her and just walking/driving over to her house when I needed to vent (or sit in silence). But thanks to Skype, I’m at least getting a part of that back. And for that, I’m always going to be grateful.

Day Dreamin'

I’ve been missing California a lot lately. I miss the palm trees. I've almost gone as far as to thinking about buying one to plant. But, I don’t think it would survive. Then, last week I chatted with my friend Kami over Facebook, and that made me miss it even more. For now, I just keep telling myself that NEXT summer, we’ll pay a visit. Since summer classes are out of the question for me we’ll always have that time to do as we please. Silver lining...? I think so. 

Maybe.

Until then, all I have are daydreams, memories, pictures, and video from our trip back in January. So on days like today, when I find myself really wanting to be back there, I just watch this video. With the volume up. Just so it will take me back and hold me over till I see it again. 

Happy Friday!

p.s. My other husband

released his new single on Wednesday.
Check it out here. 

An Offer That I May Have to Refuse...

This morning, my dad showed me a document that was given to him by the company he works for about a job opening. The position is for a Customer Service Representative but it’s in Bakersfield, CA. He asked me if I would want to take it. He told me to think about it, the money was good, and if I decided I wanted it he’d put in a word for me. Now, my dad has a lot of pull when it comes to hiring. He’s not a suit either. He works in the factory, and he’s in there making the parts with all the other works. But when it comes to emergency repairs, hiring new people, and training they always come to him. He’s the go to guy. So for him to “put in a word” more often than not will guarantee me the position.

At first, I was so ecstatic that I almost said yes. We'd finally be back in California!! Maybe not exactly where we had hoped, but still it would be in CALIFORNIA! That idea alone was enticing. But then I realized I can’t just say yes. I have to talk to my husband first. There are so many things to consider before making a big leap like that. I have a job here that I wouldn’t want to just quit without giving at least a two weeks notice to. They've been really good to me and I wouldn’t want to just up and leave them hanging. I’m also currently going to school. Moving would probably cause me to be set back and who knows when I’d get back to my studies or if I’d have the time? And since my husband isn’t currently working, a move like that would deplete our savings entirely. This thought alone leaves a bad feeling in my stomach.

So as much as I’d love to say “Yes, let’s do it!” I have to think about things realistically. We have to think about things realistically. Would we be able to make this move? Is it in our best interest, as a family, right now? Should I postpone my studies? None of these I currently have an answer to. My dad told me to take a week to think about it, let him know, and then we’d go from there if I decided I wanted to apply for it. There seem to be so many obstacles and one major decision. This decision could change our lives, or keep us on our current track. Either way I know that no matter what, my husband and I will make the right decision for our family. 

Jealous Much?

Last Friday, I dropped off my husband’s cousin at their aunt’s house. He was picking up the rest of his stuff, and packing whatever he had forgotten because he had a bus to catch at 11 am. As I left him there, I couldn’t help but feel a tiny bit of jealousy. Why? Well this bus he was catching, was headed to Oceanside, Ca. 

He had come out here a few months ago to get his shit together, for lack of better words. He found a great job at a local steakhouse and within a month was promoted to kitchen manager. He was doing really good, but I guess he missed home. So on Wednesday he quit his job, and announced to us that he was leaving.

Now, I’m a little butt hurt. Not gunna lie. On our way to his aunt’s house, he talked about how he couldn't wait to see the beach, and smell the saltiness of the ocean. His house is a few blocks from the pier. How he couldn’t wait to see everyone and be back in California. And I’m sitting next to him thinking “YEA, must be nice...”

I know people probably get tired of me talking about California. I’m sure some even wonder where, seeing as how I’m a Texas girl, the hell is my Texan pride? Well, it’s here. I LOVE Texas. It is my home. I was born and raised here. I’ll continue to eat steak with my hands, speak with an accent, and I won’t mind getting my hands dirty. My brother taught me the basics of handling a gun, my dad taught me how to throw a punch, and I’m not scared of a brawl. Come at me. That’s all still IN me. Texas will always be in my heart. I take that where ever I go. But like I stated before, sometimes I feel like California is where we’re meant to really start our lives. Apart from everyone else. To finally be our own family, on our own. Sometimes I feel like we have unfinished business there. I don't know, it's weird, but I keep feeling this pull towards California. People, I daydream about it. I can't shake it either. 

So, a bit of jealousy and sadness kind of hit me on Friday. Jealousy because I wish we could do that. I wish we were in the financial position to just say “You know what, it’s time. Let’s go!” To be able to pack up our bags and head out. But we can’t. I have school, and we need to save up a nice sized nest egg before we go ANYWHERE. And sadness, because reality hit me and I realized how long it will be before we every get to go back out there. Whether it be for a visit or to move, it’s gunna be awhile. I can't believe just last month, we were there? It seems like forever ago. And  that sucks, because I really do miss it. A lot.