Wordless Wednesday

 

A New Chapter | NBTX

I’ve written and rewritten this post several times since June. I’ve pieced it together from brief little moments that I find to write. 10 minutes here, 20 minutes there. And then so much time goes by that what I wrote before is no longer relevant, so I delete it all and start over. So, I’m going to try to summarize as best as I can, and bear with me as some of this is repeated information. 

If you missed this post, go back and give it a read. I wrote it at the end of 2025, but didn’t post it until January. The idea of moving away had always been there. Whether we thought it would ever actually happen? Well, I don’t think any of us really did. But by the end of February, we were given an offer. A “lifeline,” if you will. Either we stayed in Stephenville and kept struggling, or we took a leap of faith and moved to New Braunfels, TX.

At first, I was very hesitant. Uncomfortable even. I honestly didn’t feel like I was being called to leave. And truthfully, there are still days when I question if we made the right decision. I wanted familiarity. I wanted comfort. I wanted to keep what was known. I kept asking myself, “Would we be making a colossal mistake? How would this impact our kids? What if we failed? What if things got worse?” I was sick to my stomach for weeks just thinking of all the ways this could blow up in our faces. All of the ways that this could end terribly.

But then, one morning as I stood in our kitchen, I received my nudge in one of the weirdest forms. When my husband arrived home after a 4-hour drive, we sat down to discuss what this would mean. And within a few weeks, everything started to fall into place. We found a house and an offer was made. I received a job offer a few weeks later. We had just enough money for our down payment and closing costs. Our son’s ear surgery would take place before we moved. My dad was randomly offered a job in Stephenville, so Emery would be able to stay with him and finish out her school year. The plan was for my husband, son, and me to move at the beginning of May, and then Emery would follow in three weeks. 

Sadly, my husband’s grandfather passed away at the end of April. And as I mentioned in my last post, he was the person who had been behind giving us a helping hand. But in typical Nathan fashion, he had already made arrangements with lawyers and the rest of the family for what would take place once he was gone. That didn’t make it easier, though. We honestly had hoped for more time. More guidance and instruction. But still, we were beyond grateful for what he did give us: a way out of a hopeless situation.

On May 5, I dropped my daughter off at school with a hug and a kiss. Then I dropped off the last of my work items at Tarleton, saying goodbye to my coworkers one last time. We grabbed some food and started the journey to our new city. The following Monday was Nathan's funeral. And the next day I started my new job. Two days later, my son started at his new daycare. And so began the adjustment to our life here. 

Wordless Wednesday

Begin Anew | We Moved

At the beginning of March, we made the decision to move. We had spent months weighing the pros and cons. We prayed about it. I cried over it. And while I had finally mentally accepted this change, I didn't realize just how much of a whirlwind it would turn out to be. 

As soon as we said, "Yes." So many doors opened for us all at once. Thanks to my husband's grandfather, we were blessed with an affordable home. Closing date of mid-April. Then, I found a job that worked with me on a start date that was further out than we had anticipated. Start date in mid-May. Timeline-wise, everything was close enough that my son could have his ear surgery and my daughter could finish out her school year with her friends. Then, my husband was guaranteed work for a year, and help with start-up costs to continue a business that had already been set in motion at the beginning of the year. 

On May 4, we packed up 3/4 of our home and started the journey south. This move would take place in multiple rounds, so it wasn't until recently that saying goodbye to our old house felt very definitive. But it's been over a month for me now, and I'm surprised by how quickly we've established routines. How quickly I've been able to navigate parts of this new city without the GPS. Though I still keep it on, just in case. And there's something to be said about fresh starts. Being somewhere you've never been before. Getting to explore new places. Finding out who you are when you take all of the creature comforts you've been accustomed to away... 

Anyway, more on all of this soon. Where are we now? How's our teenager taking it? What's the daycare situation? How's the new job? How am I feeling? Plenty more posts to come soon, I promise. But for now, I just wanted to pop in and say a quick hello! I'm still here - just a little busy trying to navigate this new life. Until the next post. ✌

Wordless Wednesday

Some Recent Things

The time change brought some much-needed sunshine in the evenings. However, the “earlier” mornings have been a bit of a struggle to get used to this year. Most days, I am dragging. But I actually love this shift that we get. Having more sunshine in the afternoons is my jam. Anyway, things have been a little heavy here on the blog lately. So, I want to share a few positive life updates.

Emery is currently at the end of track season. She just completed cheer tryouts and was named the Junior Cheer Captain. She’s been doing really well in her classes, minus Algebra 2. But that’s looking more like a teacher problem rather than a student problem. While I take my teenager seriously, I also know her very well. She’s not perfect, and sometimes she’s a bit dramatic. So no, it’s not just her feedback that’s causing me to make that claim. Other factors are also playing into my opinion. And don’t come at me about teachers, I have a lot of respect for them and feel they should be paid way more. Moving along. Emery has started to show interest in driving again, BUT there is A LOT of anxiety with it. And not just from her, but me as well. So much so that I’m considering enrolling her in driving school over the summer if we haven’t made any progress by then. Other than that, we are in the home stretch to the end of Sophomore year. And that passed by so freaking fast.

Little man is healthy, growing, and walking! Can you believe it? We still co-sleep, and I am still breastfeeding. He still wakes up throughout the night. So, on a good day, we get about 7 hours of interrupted sleep. That doesn’t stop him from waking up with a smile on his face and outstretched arms most mornings, though. He has had some issues with ear infections and was scheduled to have tubes placed in his ears recently. Unfortunately, his procedure had to be rescheduled due to RSV - better safe than sorry. He has been learning more words, but his favorites are “No” and “Stop.” Can you guess where he’s hearing those the most at? He loves hanging out in his sister’s room, though that sentiment is very one-sided. And some mornings, he wakes up talking about his dad. A little sad, but also cute that he’s thinking of him. We had his first Easter egg “hunt” last week at daycare. It was so cute getting to see all of the kids wobble and crawl around picking up eggs.

Overall, everyone is doing well! Life is chugging right along, and we’ve got some upcoming decisions/changes to walk through. It’s been a bit stressful for me, but I know everything will work itself out. Until the next one, ✌.

Wordless Wednesday

Broken Nights

While things have been going well for my husband, the downside has been that he’s away from home. A lot. He only comes back every other weekend, and then we try to make a trip in between. Sometimes we just get a Saturday before one of us has to leave. And even that depends on schedules. Overall, this has been very hard on me. It’s been hard on Emery and little man, too.

Because my husband is gone for long stretches at a time, I have to rely on Emery’s help way more than I did before. Which she’s not a fan of, and I don’t blame her. I will say that my sister-in-law, from my previous marriage, has been a huge help to me during these past few months. Sometimes she brings over dinner, a packed lunch, or offers to watch the little man so I can take a shower. But she has her own life, and I don’t want to intrude on it. My parents have also made a handful of trips up here to help me get some things done. But it’s a long drive to make, so I don’t ask for them to do this often. So, a lot of times, I feel like I just can’t keep up with the demands of everyday life.

My brain is constantly on. Lists, reminders, and did that get done? While my son is sleeping better, I have developed a really bad snoring problem. Weight gain induced. Sometimes I wonder if this is also why he can’t sleep for long stretches either. So, we're both still getting crap sleep every night. And each week, we are navigating something new. There are personal appointments and work meetings. Illness and track schedules. Pickups and drop-offs. Bedtime routines and work projects. Laundry and committees. Calendars and school events. And y’all, I feel like I’m floundering. Trying to work full-time, be there for my teenager, take care of my baby, keep all of our animals alive, AND maintain a clean home has left me with very little time to do anything besides survive.

On top of that, it’s been said that I’m not ambitious enough. That I’m lazy. I’ve been told that I don’t want to put effort into my career to help my family. “Why did you go get a degree if you aren’t going to use it to make things better for yourself and your family?” But if I really pursued a better-paying job that required more of me, I’d be accused of being selfish. "She must not want to be around her family. She’s allowing strangers to raise her kids." So, when comments about my “lack of effort” get made, it piss me off. And then I get a bit defensive. Because what the heck do you mean I'm not doing enough? I don’t know when I would have the time, at least right now, to give any more of myself in any area of my life. Home or career. There’s just nothing left in my tank right now.

December 2025

I feel like I’m failing at everything. Nothing can receive my full attention. I feel like a married single mom, and there are times when I resent that. I was promised help. I was told I would not have to parent alone. I was told that I’d still have time for self-care. And I was told that I wouldn’t have to carry the mental load on my own. Yet, here we are. And I know that this is just a hard season in life right now - I know. But having to go such long periods without my partner's help has been rough. Feeling like I’m not contributing enough has left me doubting myself. Feeling like a terrible wife and mother has left me broken on some nights. And I know that at some point, things will ease up. I'll be wishing for these days again. Even if only to relive the moments with my kids. So, even on the broken nights, after the tears are shed, I tell myself that there are so many things to be grateful for. And I continue to count my blessings.

Wordless Wednesday

Open Doors

I’ve drafted two full posts in the past hour and then deleted each one. They each felt like I was trying to pack a lot into one post, and well, no one needs that amount of word vomit in one sitting. So, let’s start with the first major event, shall we?

May 2025

At the beginning of 2025, my husband was presented with a new work opportunity. He would be learning a new skill and completely stepping out of the construction world. This opportunity would come with a “buy-in” partnership and inspection license. It would mean creating his own hours and less physical stress on his body. It was a win-win. So, he accepted.

Well, halfway through the year, he was informed that a partnership was no longer on the table. Instead, he would receive an increase in salary and be the supervisor for any new hires. But becoming a part-owner would not be possible. While this was disheartening news, he said he was okay as long as he was able to apprentice until he could get his own license. The pay bump was also very welcome, as we were struggling. So, he pushed on.

Then, as August rolled around, there was news that the owner might sell the company off completely. And if not, he would significantly decrease the areas in which he would place work bids. My husband’s area was one of those possibly being axed. Based on several discussions, some of which took place in front of me while others did not, he was told that he had nothing to worry about. If our area was not bid, he could work in the neighboring one. It would require a bit more travel, but his job was secure.

And then November came along. My husband was informed that his employer had decided not to bid for our area again. And while we were expecting this, the major disappointment came when he found himself unemployed. With no way of completing an apprenticeship to gain his license. It felt like he had just wasted a year. And everything that he had been told was just…bullshit. As you can imagine, that set us back even further financially.

After his last day, he took a few weeks to get some things done around our home. He did some odd jobs here and there. But every night, he’d ask if he should go back to what he knew - construction. I honestly had no idea what to say. Did he enjoy that line of work? Sometimes. Did it beat up his body every day? Definitely. But was he good at it? Absolutely. And that’s when he started to toss around the idea of being his own boss. And well, after some discussion, that’s the route he decided would be best. Go big or go home, right?

At the beginning of 2026, he decided to pursue it with everything he had. He would take guidance from his grandfather, who owns his own company, on creating this new business. Then, we put whatever we could into investing in tools. He started talking to some businesses about referrals for jobs that might be too small for them or that they didn't have time for. And finally, he started his first big build.

So far, things have been going pretty well, and he has steady work, which we are grateful for. He’s put in a lot of hard work, and he’s even been able to pay for a work hand, which has helped tremendously. But I would be lying if I said we didn’t have our doubts. Especially when he received a call from a local company, willing to pay him a really good amount, to run their construction crew. He politely declined, but it made us so nervous. That said, I have faith that he’ll be able to make this happen. I have faith that he’s working towards his dream so he can better himself and his family. Now, I just pray that God guides him in the work he needs to do, and that doors open for him when we need them.

(Bitter) Sweet 16

Last week, we celebrated Emery’s 16th birthday. Cue the tears and “How did we get here?” comments. The weekend before that, we spent time in Waco with my family. Her little cousins made her a cake and chocolate-covered strawberries. They bought her a tiara, too. It was all very low-key, which we enjoyed.

While we started the day of her birthday with laughter, something felt a little off when I got home. Later that night, she mentioned that she felt a little underwhelmed by everything. And it had nothing to do with the celebration or the gifts, but more because of how she was feeling. She’s been struggling with the reality of mortality since the car accident we had back in March 2025. And it’s almost as if it’s sucked the joy out of all the happy moments since then. As the day came to an end, and we were sitting on the couch, she quietly said, “Today felt weird. I miss the me at 14. Birthdays just aren’t as exciting as they used to be.” And that made me sad.

This year, our financial situation limited what we could do for her. And having a baby has also limited what I have the energy for. Before, I would have taken that opportunity to give her a pep talk and make a late-night run for ice cream to cheer her up. Blasting her music and singing at the top of our lungs. Instead, I was staring at a very low-balance bank account, running on little sleep, and trying to calm a fussy baby who kept wailing every time I put him down. And so, I felt like I was letting her down by not being able to be there for her. Not being able to focus on her. I went to bed feeling like a failure.

I wish I could have done more. I wish she and I had been able to have a day, just the two of us. I think it’s desperately needed. I wish she hadn’t been with me the evening of our car accident. That man has caused more damage than he can even imagine. And I wish that my little girl could feel the joy in all of the happy moments like she used to. I miss the excitement she had for being with her friends. For school trips. For time spent at home, but also getting to go out and explore - being a teenager. That 14-year-old was ready to take on the world. The 16-year-old today is cautious and views everything with shades of grey.

All of that said, I’m so proud of her. It’s been a very bittersweet time, but I don’t want the tinge of sadness to dampen how grateful we are. It hits me every once in a while, out of the blue, that she’s closer to 18 than 10. She’s determined, and she’s smart. She's putting in the work with her counselor to sort through/cope with her feelings. She talks to me about everything, which I love. Even when the subject matter gets a bit awkward. We laugh a lot, which I love to hear. And I am constantly praying that the fear she’s had placed on her heart will one day fade away. That is my wish for her this year. So, here's to another year around the sun, Little. I love you. 💖

Wordless Wednesday

📸: Credit

 

Wordless Wednesday

June 2025

"Managing" Some Lows

Written on 9.25.25

Currently, I’m on my lunch break. Pumping, answering emails, and figuring out our budget in between bites of food. I’ve looked up several financial counseling services with a plan to call at least two of them to see if we can get some help. More on that later. It’s been a relatively long day, and I could really use a nap. Though I doubt I would actually take one if given the opportunity.

I’ve been feeling the pull of depression again. Low energy. Sobbing in the shower. Crying as I walk through the grocery store. Closing myself off socially. Not putting effort into my appearance. Not wanting to leave the house. Not wanting to clean or do laundry. Feeling like a failure. Giving the bare minimum at work. Feeling overwhelmingly sad. And having frequent intrusive thoughts. I’ve also had a few days where it physically hurt to get out of bed. Anything I have in the tank goes to my kids, and then as everyone settles in for the night, I crash out emotionally. The mask comes off, and I’m sitting on a pile of emotions I’d rather not deal with. It feels hard to breathe. Internally, I am screaming.

If you’ve been here long enough, you know I was diagnosed with depression as a teenager and anxiety in my 20s. Well, a few years ago, I started running and exercising as healthy ways to manage my symptoms. The more I did those things, the less I experienced low points, and eventually I was able to be taken off my medication. And for several years now, I’ve managed my symptoms with movement and getting outdoors. Unfortunately, I haven’t been able to consistently run in a long time. And with current schedules, it will be a bit longer before I can even attempt to return to a normal running/workout schedule. So, my main coping techniques and stress outlets have been removed.

Knowing that, this would probably be the time for me to set up an appointment to see my therapist and then ask my doctor to place me back on medication. A band-aid, if you will. However, we are in such a crappy financial situation that I have to be very selective about what I spend on. Currently, counseling and medication are at the bottom of the priority list. Plus, I'm still breastfeeding, so I won't take anything that could negatively impact my son's health. Which means that instead of dealing with everything, I dissociate. I chip away at what I can, and try not to worry about the next thing. I tell myself that this won’t last forever. God will help us get through it. I tell myself to hold it together a little bit longer, and the help will come. I pray for my husband, my children, and our health. I breathe in and out. I unclench my jaw, and I get on with my day.

Wordless Wednesday

Goodbye, October

October used to be my favorite month; my own personal "new year." It was a month-long celebration for my family, packed with birthdays, changing seasons, and the excitement of Halloween. I also used it as a time for reflection and planning. I’d look over both my finances before heading into the holidays and my personal goals. This was also the time I’d either have to start increasing my weekly running mileage or scale back to meet my running goals. However, for the last two years, it just hasn't held the same magic.

My birthday, while I am blessed to get older, almost feels like a countdown now. I’m reminded of what I haven’t accomplished. I wake up tired most days. And I haven’t felt like myself in quite some time. Plus, my husband doesn’t believe in celebrating birthdays after you turn a certain age, so we try to focus on the kids instead. This month has also turned into one of the busiest for us. Between football games, work, volleyball games, after-school practices, and the start of basketball season, we are constantly on the go. Rarely are we all home by 7 PM. I try to tell myself that this is just a season. Things won’t always be so rushed. Sleep will come back. And maybe, one day, the magic of October will return. For now, we just have to embrace the chaos. Make the coffee a bit stronger. And enjoy where we’re at right now because it goes by so quickly. Anyway, here are a few snapshots from our month.

Wordless Wednesday

April 2025

Lets Get Up to Speed

So, I’m going to try to pick up where I left off before the chaos, and give a few life updates. We've created a pretty good daily routine, I'm fully adjusted to being back at work, summer is just about over, and we’re moving right along.

April 2025

1. April: My second nephew arrived!! And he is perfect. We went down to visit and I got to love on him A LOT. Our babysitter was a huge blessing to us during April as well. She came to our house to watch little man, do household chores while I couldn’t, and helped me to move around/stretch as a form of physical therapy. We had numerous conversations about faith, God, and I even had a few crying sessions with her. Truly, I am so grateful for her kindness. At the end of April, my employer asked if I could be released to work remotely. I asked my doctor, and he said that would be fine, but not to overdo anything.
2. May: Emery wrapped up her freshman year! I cannot believe it. I mean, I can, but also, it makes me sad. She passed all of her end-of-year exams. Now we’re looking into dual credit for next year as well as a real estate program. She was also confirmed in the Catholic church. And was recognized at the Athletic Banquet before school was let out for the summer. I returned to work in person on May 19. We slowly got back into a routine. Baby boy was still waking up frequently, BUT for shorter periods. Most nights anyway.
3. June: We made the first “long trip” with our baby boy. It was just over 3 hours, and he did really well! Much better than he had on any previous (shorter) trips. So, it’s safe to say that he was getting used to his car seat. Then, Emery, little man, and I spent a weekend with my brother and his family for their anniversary. I got to love on so many kiddos at once!  It was wonderful, and I say this with ALL of the love in my heart, "They are rockstars for having three kids." LOL! It is such a handful to have a lot of littles. At the end of the day, I was in awe of how they do it. But I quickly realized that I would not be able to handle it full-time myself. Any little bit of "Well, maybe I'm not done with having kids yet," ideas that I had left in me went right out the window. Two for me is good. Then, a few days after that trip, we went up to Denton for my brother-in-law’s wedding!
4. July: Our babysitter went out of town on vacation, so we had to find alternative care. Thankfully, the daycare our son would later be attending full-time allowed us to bring him in as a drop-in for the week. I was so grateful for that, BUT it was a rough one. There were a lot of tears - from both him and me. And there were days when I wished I could quit my job and stay at home with him until he was off at kindergarten. Unfortunately, that’s not a possibility. So, I just prayed my way through each day. When our babysitter returned from her travels, we were so excited! The first day back, little man was so happy. He reached for her and hugged her the minute he was in her arms. All smiles and no tears. Unfortunately, that was short-lived. She had gotten hurt while traveling, and while she tried her best, her doctor informed her that she was not allowed to lift anything and would be going through PT. So, I had to scramble to find another sitter after that week. And y’all…that is so scary. Vetting individuals, doing home visits, and praying that you’re entrusting your child to a good person…it’s a lot. Thankfully, the person we found was amazing, and our little man took to her very easily.
5. Present: We’ve done the majority of our back-to-school shopping. We’ve attended the athletics meetings. And soon we will have meet-the-teacher meeting night. Emery’s schedule is going to be packed, but she says she’s ready. And honestly, I think we are, too. Our little dude officially started daycare this month, and as expected, he’s struggled. I’ve struggled and questioned my career, over and over. I’ve even started a Program Management course in hopes that I can look into jobs that would allow me to work from home. All around, it’s been rough. I’m praying that things smooth out as the weeks go by, though.

During all of this, Corey has been making incredible strides in his new job! He’s dedicating himself to learning new skills and striving to be the best worker. It's been inspiring to see him dive headfirst into a career field he previously knew nothing about and thrive in it. His hard work is paying off, too. He's now on a fast track to working solo, much sooner than we anticipated. We're hoping that once he's officially out of his shadowing/apprenticeship phase, he'll receive a well-deserved pay increase.

And finally, I had my yearly evaluation back in June and received a high rating. I acknowledged that I wasn’t able to do as much as I had the previous year due to being out on medical leave. Twice. However, both of my bosses stated that they knew it was out of my control, AND despite my absence, they felt I achieved a lot. They said I added a lot of value to the team, and one even mentioned that it was very much felt when I was gone. He said something along the lines of, “There was so much disorganization while you were out. Times when I was unproductive because I couldn’t count on someone else to get things done the way I can when you’re here, so I had to take it on myself.” He’s also the one who encouraged me to request a “Compensation Equity Pay Study” from HR. And can you guess what the findings were? I was way underpaid. So, it was recommended that I be brought up to the same level as my peers.

Now, it seems like the year is flying. While some months dragged, others were gone in the blink of an eye. Emery and I are still working through our PTSD. People can usually tell when we start to get anxiety on longer drives. Especially in larger cities, and as the sun is going down. Emery has also stopped asking if she can drive places. This has really bummed me out because she used to be so excited. On the rare occasion that she does ask to drive down our road, I try to encourage her to go a bit further, but she usually shuts that down. And since we have plenty of time before she is set to take her test, I’m not pushing it. We’ll get through it eventually. Anyway, that about catches us up. Here’s to a wonderful start to the school year. To some easy days. And to some peace.

Wordless Wednesday

4.3.25: 1 Day post-op, my hair was a mess, & peep the glued glasses

Wordless Wednesday