New Year's Resolutions

We have only two more days, till it is officially 2011!! I don't really get why we all go out of our way to make these resolutions?? Most of us will forget them by February- what they even were to begin with. But, in the spirit of "following everyone else", I have come up with a LIST, of GOALS for this year. Some may even say it's too much and that I should only pick one or two things off of it but, everything can be worked on, a little at a time right? Motherhood has taught me the idea of baby steps is better than none. 

• Pray Every Day
• No nail biting
• Learn to COOK
• Lose 30 lbs (50 lbs altogether)
• No JUNK food or SODA's
• Grow my own vegetable garden
• No texting while driving
• Recycle
• Pay more attention to EMERY
• Pay more attention to my husband
• Bulk up our SAVINGS
• Take a family VACATION
• Have some more ME time
• Let GO! Everything will be ok! 

And those are just a few, lol! What about everyone else out there? Do you make resolutions, or maybe have another tradition altogether?

Wishes & Reality Are Two Very Different Things..

I'm in a weird mood today. So this post WILL be, a bit confusing, and probably a bit of a downer. Fill free to skip it.

Wish

I wish I were skinny. I wish that I could look fabulous when I woke up. I wish I recycled, grew my own vegetables, and fed Emery nothing but organic food. I wish we had our own house in a place that we both love. I wish my husband had his license. I wish I had a husband I didn't have to worry about. I wish I had money to take a vacation. I wish my stomach were smooth and flat. I wish I could afford another child. I wish I had time and mental capability to meditate. I wish I could be absolutely happy. I wish I could be somewhat beautiful. I wish beer were illegal and weed was legal. I wish people wouldn't judge so much. I wish I could be more tolerant; more accepting. I wish I weren't so paranoid. I wish my ideas hadn't changed. I wish that I could be more trusting of people (especially my spouse).

Am

I am fat. I don't look fabulous, ever. I think about recycling. I don't grow my own vegetables. Emery eats Earth's best and Beechnut, out of a JAR. I live next door/pretty much with my parents. I need $500 for my husband's license. My husband's had thoughts of someone else before. My money is gone before I get it. My entire stomach is covered in dark, deep stretch mark, and I HATE THEM! I have about five handfuls of excess skin and flab around my waist. I don't know if I could handle or have time to give the right amount of attention to another baby right now. I think way too much to ever be able to meditate. I 'm happy, but there's always something that sneaks up. I am not beautiful (don't care what you say, I look at myself every day). I think beer is more harmful and dangerous than alcohol/beer (speaking from experience). I judge too much. I am tolerant, but only to an extent. I am paranoid about everything, 95% of the time. My views in life have been put into a blender and thrown back out into pieces. I don't trust anyone. After our problems, documented here, it's been hard to forgive, forget, and move on. I still check his phone every now and then.      

Thoughts

I am trying to make this a good first Christmas for Emery. Even though, I know she won't remember it. I'm trying to throw myself into something; ANYTHING in order to not remember. I'm trying to be OK. But every second that I'm not focused on something else, I focus on that. I focus on those last days. The weeks right before Emery was born. I remember last Christmas, and how everything seemed ok. I had no warning, of things being wrong. We had fought, but it was over things that could be FIXED. At least, I thought so. Then, January 29, 2010, my HUSBAND, walked out on me. Those four weeks of emotional HELL and utter physical pain have still left me marked. THREE weeks before I gave birth. THREE weeks before the happiest day of my life. And I was put through that. Yes, things changed, and we are now back together. But do you know, how bad that screwed with me? Do you know how much those days influence my life now?? I changed. I closed myself off, and I don't know if I've even opened back up yet. A year later. I am always scared, and yet always expecting to have my husband walk through the door, tell me he doesn't love me anymore, and that he's leaving. It's like I'm preparing myself for that day to come. Waiting. I'm waiting to find him with another girl (skinnier, prettier). I'm waiting for him to just pick up and leave (back to California w/out us). I'm waiting for that letdown. That same speech "It's not you, it's me." Every day. I don't know how to change that?? Even right now, I read into his behavior. Every word, every move.

Does it mean this? Does it mean that? Does he not love me? Is he going through the motions? Is he just with me because of Emery? Does he secretly want someone else?

And I can't seem to stop.

Fuck you, January 29th.

Frustrated

I am beyond frustrated. I am so uneasy, and I feel as if I want to just rip off my skin. I’m craving a cigarette so bad. I feel so trapped and I can’t even scream. I remember how things were before. When I would take care of it, one of two ways. But that’s not me. I can’t do that anymore. I’m over that now.

So why do I feel like the biggest piece of crap?

Why do I feel as if my husband is just walking through the motions?

Why do I feel as if I can’t breathe?

Why do I feel like this is it? This is my life. Going nowhere fast.

Why do I all of a sudden not want?

I just….ughhhhh……..FUCK!!!

p/s Due to some weird guy tagging the pictures

of my daughter, on Facebook,

I have decided to not post many pictures of her anymore. On anything.

Choking Hazard

Oh my gosh! I can't take my eyes off of her for a second! My daughter is into EVERYTHING! Constantly crawling back and forth. With so many people living here, it's hard to keep the floor "choke hazard" free. This weekend, Emery has almost choked twice. Once on a piece of leaf (someone brought in on their shoe). And once on a sunflower seed (my dad eats them). Both of these incidents have left me feeling like I'm about to have a heart attack! Terrified that she's going to choke and start turning blue.

Now, I know that children "choke" on things constantly. But after hearing so much and seeing these stories of parents losing their children to the simplest things they could have prevented. Makes me even more scared. Afraid that I'll screw up and dismiss something as simple or non-threatening; that COULD cause my daughter harm.

 And so I fear that I am starting to become one of those overly cautious moms. The kind that keeps their kid on a "leash", make them see a doctor every 3 months, and that goes overboard with Germ X. Emery will be like "The Boy In The Bubble", only the girl version. Gees! How awful does that sound? She's going to hate me. I've even gone as far as thinking about turning our phones and Internet off, so as to not have distractions (Facebook, Fruity Loops). Because it seems that these incidents have been when one of us is distracted. Meaning we weren't both keeping an eye on her. Because let me tell ya, she's a fast baby, and if there aren't two people watching her at the same time it's bad news bears and she's found something to put in her mouth or climb onto before you can blink.

 My daughter's life is more important to me than a status update, or a new track. So what can I do? How can I make sure nothing bad happens to her? She's my life. My baby girl. My love. She is God's gift to me and I feel that if I don't protect t her at all times, I'm insulting him and being a bad mom. But then, I feel as if I can't live life worrying all the time. It wouldn't be much of a life. So...what to do??

Sorry!!

Ahh! It has been so hectic!! I'm sorry I haven't kept up with writing as frequently as I should. But here you go, a new post just for you guys!!

So, after almost 3 years (2 months shy) at Vet Outlet, and their mistreatment and un-appreciation, I have finally moved on!! The co-worker that had quit before told me of this job with an FMC distributor. I applied, interviewed, and that weekend I got the call that they wanted me. They gave me a drastic pay increase, and I just could not refuse it. It has been a blessing! This company is so laid back, and very small. But the people are so amazing. So helpful and appreciative. So much different than the atmosphere at Vet Outlet. I mean, really different. Before I was afraid to ask too many questions or change things up a bit because they would scold you, or shun you. Several other employees, including myself, were always wondering who was going to be in the "dog house" that day. But here, they encourage me to have an opinion and to change things up. They have stated that they want me to be comfortable and to always ask questions. And so this past MONDAY, I quit Vet Outlet. Didn't tell anyone except for the owner (who had a meeting that afternoon and told everyone else). I went about my day like nothing had changed. Of course, I was talked about, and when the news came out no one talked to me, but whatever. No skin off my nose! Then, Tuesday, I started my new job.

So far, I love it. Yes, it's a bit different, and a little overwhelming. But the owner has told me that he doesn't expect me to learn all of this in just a few months. He said it takes years. So there's no pressure. Right now I'm just listening, answering the phone, and learning the routines from my manager. He has been very patient with me and I actually ENJOY coming to work. CAN YOU BELIEVE THAT?? I ENJOY it! LOL! So here we go! I couldn't be more thrilled to be out of my old workplace and into a new one. I am so excited about the possibilities, and the growth that I can come from working here.  I thank God for giving me this opportunity because it was much needed.

My punkin is getting older! I can not believe she's almost a year old!! So much to plan for her first birthday, it's ridiculous!!! Things between the hubby and I couldn't be better! And we are on our way to having a running vehicle! We have been missing California so much lately, that we have agreed to try and get our car fixed, and pay off a few bills with whatever we get from our income tax return. Then, whatever is left we will put towards plane tickets to California!! It might not be much, but a little bit helps. Other than that, nothing much has been new. Things here on my blog might be a little slow until I can get a routine going. Which I promise will be soon!

Ok, well, I better go! Hope everyone out there is doing well!! 

Job Interview

So, I had an interview yesterday. I felt a little guilty for lying about why I had to take a half day, but this interview wasn’t going to wait for me. The reason I gave is VERY real, but the appointment won’t be for another 3 months. I don’t know why I feel so guilty. These people treat me like crap.

But enough about that let me tell you about the job! It’s called Buck Horn Pumps- yes, very country. They had a laid-back atmosphere; calm, no tension. No dress code other than, PJ’s are a no-no is what I was told. They seemed like really nice people, Christian, and it’s a very small business with a total of 5 employees. The job is a customer service position but you never deal with people up front. Everything is done by email or phone. They ship out pumps for all kinds of facilities- like a mini FMC. The only hard part about the job seems to be learning the parts. The drive is a bit further BUT, to get out of here, I’d travel. The owner’s wife (the only office person there right now) is a firm believer in recycling, and they said that they don’t believe that degrees mean you’re better than someone else. It’s all about how hard you work, and them seeing that you are putting in an effort. Pay will be discussed with whoever they decide to hire.

It is in many ways the same, and yet very different from what I do now. But everything was so relaxed. Just stepping into the building and not having that tension or bad feelings was lovely. They wanted to know about me and my family –they know my parents, and an aunt and uncle. The only thing I was really concerned about was insurance (they only cover employees) but the lady said that that could change. I’m completely terrified. After being at one place for so long, and then having to start ALL over again on a “probation period” would be very scary. It IS very scary. Out of twenty applicants, they only chose four people to interview. They had one other person left to interview before deciding anything. They said they’d let me know by tonight what their decision turns out to be. I’m trying to not get my hopes up.

I am nervous and anxious. And even if I don’t get this job, my first interview in three years was a pleasant one. So I won’t be so nervous about having to do others if I have to. It’s always that first one that makes me a bit jittery. So wish me luck! I hope I get this. And if not, well, I must keep on looking. It is time for me to leave this place, that’s for sure.   

Ideal Mom

I shall do a catch-up post later. Right now, I’d like to talk about my guilt, confusion with life, and fear of being a horrible mother.

I am first and foremost, a mother. My actions should speak accordingly, right? I must start BEING the part instead of acting it. Right? So where does that leave my old past time enjoyments? Where does that leave the people I raised hell with? Where does that leave my views on life? Where does that leave my old views on parenting? Where does that leave ME? Not the me now that’s stuck in this weird growing up limbo, but the ME before parenthood happened? How do I let go of the past, in order to be a parent that is responsible and puts their child first? I seem to be struggling so hard with balance. I struggle between letting loose every once in a while, and just completely throwing it all out the window and filling my closet with mommy shorts. Because I can't seem to let go of the ideal picture of what a mother should be. I fall short of that image every day.

Drinking: I can’t take a drink or go out without Em, before I start feeling like I am betraying her. Like I am losing precious moments with her because I am being selfish. I end up not enjoy myself and start looking for any excuse to get home early. I can’t bring myself to cut loose and go to a party (having a babysitter of course) every now and then without feeling like I’m such a shitty person for seeking out those lush feelings again. Those “happy, giggly, bubbly” feelings. Shouldn’t my child bring all of that and more? Shouldn’t SHE be enough? Of course she is! So why should I need anything else? Why do I still think back to those days of drunken carelessness, and feel as if I’ve lost those “feelings” forever? Why do I keep feeling as if I am failing my daughter by wanting to be “young” every once in a while?

Motherhood: I can’t seem to enjoy ANYTHING these days. I try and sometimes I achieve a bit of joy and happiness. But then the pressures of not being a good mom start to weigh on my shoulders. I wonder if I’m not spending enough time with her. Am I doing the right things in life that will eventually benefit HER. Do I not hold her enough? Am I too focused on blogging, working out, or a movie? How much time apart is too much time apart? Are the examples that I and my husband set, as a couple, going to be good for her. What and why do we need to change? How do we go about this? What all must I teach her? Am I teaching her the right things? And let’s not even start on my parents. I swear it’s like I do nothing right in their eyes. To them, I’m still a child raising a child. I appreciate the advice, but sometimes they are OVERLY helpful. Overly critical of my parenting. And that’s only when they let me parent. I ask for them to not feed Emery sweets, and what do they do? Feed her sweets. I tell my parents to feed her the organic baby food, and she’s being fed ICE CREAM or beans. I tell them to let her cry when she’s throwing a tantrum and they are the first to pick her up. I swear, it’s like I don’t get a say in how my daughter should be raised. ALL of this and MORE cross through my head constantly. And half the time, I flip-flop on the answers; the solutions. I can’t make up my mind or seem to focus on one way of doing things. I can’t seem to be OK, with my way of parenting. Especially when I have so many people setting me up on this “Mommy” pedestal that I can’t possibly live up to.

Friendships: My god, I feel as if we have none. I mean seriously I have no one I could run and talk to if something was bothering me. Yes, I have my husband, but sometimes HE is what’s bothering me. To which I would usually talk to someone, clear my head, and THEN go talk to my husband. Sometimes I need to vent and lately, I’ve realized that I have no outlet. I have this blog. But really? Internet friends can only do so much. And then, we have all of our old friends. The ones that are single, non-parents, immature, or parents that party way too much. I feel as if I can not relate to a SINGLE thing they are doing or going through. Everyone posts pictures of being drunk, going out to the bars and getting wasted, or of all of them getting together for BBQ’s or a night out. All of that without so much as a text in our direction. So are they really even friends now? Should I even bother with keeping them in my damn contacts list? Should I even bother making new ones? My life seems to be pretty complicated already. And I seem to keep being told that my daughter should be my only focus and priority. So where do friends really fit in now?  

How do I find balance? I seem to keep asking that, huh? Motherhood has been one of the most amazing, joyful and yet confusing, frustrating times I have ever had the pleasure of going (and continuing to go) through. How can anyone ever really be a “young” mom? A “young” parent? Parenthood brings on a whole new set of responsibilities. And you can’t face them as a naive, “young” person. You can’t hold on to your past because that no longer exists. You are no longer an I. You are now a WE.  But how much change is too much? And how do you keep a bit of yourself as you go through this transition? You can’t, can you? You have to face these new responsibilities as a responsible, adult. There’s no more childish, youthful carelessness allowed anymore. That me, must go. Right?

Ah, balance.

You are such a bitch to attain.

Happy Birthday Melissa!!

I have had Melissa in my life since elementary school. We have had some great times, some drunk times, some angry (I hate you bitch) times. But we always ended up back “together”. Better friends than ever. We live in two completely different cities (and at one point states), but we always found time to catch up. Always found time to get together, have dinner or lunch, and just talk. She has been a rock for me during some of my roughest times, and someone that I could vent to when I wanted to strangle my husband. I wouldn’t trade any of our time together for the world. She’s one of my besties, and in so many ways a sister. I wasn’t able to get her card to her along with this letter by today, so I decided I’d post it, instead. Love you Mel, and I hope you have an awesome day!!

Melissa,

So, we are now 23 year olds. How the hell did that happen? Seriously, it seems like just yesterday we were 13, all bent out of shape over “boy” friend drama. –AKA- Which Ballard brother was worthy of our time. Trying to convince our parents to let us go to the Jr. High dance after the game! LOL! And it seems like just last night, we were drunk as hell trying to figure out what line we could pull on our parents (that wouldn’t give away our drunkenness) just so we could spend a few more hours at the 144.

–sigh-

Good times! But today, we are “grownups” (whatever the hell that means). And you are officially 23 (we’re getting old, bitch)!! But take a breath (a step back) and really look at us. Grown up and all. Sure, we didn’t turn out as we had planned (but honestly three husbands would have been A LOT of work), and we aren’t all rich and famous. But you’re still Melissa and I’m still Raquel. We’re still friends, despite all the distance and totally different lives! We STILL keep coming back and catching up; never forgetting each other. And deep down inside we’re still those two girls that had sleep over’s and stayed up talking about how hot JUSTIN TIMBERLAKE is was. And I wouldn’t want to share those memories with anyone else but you!  ((awwwwwww!! Yea, go ahead, you can say it))

Now, I’m married (DON’T DO IT!), with my own little monster that I will eventually have to worry about (ESPECIALLY if she’s anything like us), and barely trying to go back to school! And you are about to graduate, and start on your own career. You’ll probably meet a MAN (boy) that is finally just as crazy as you are, and you’ll get married (yeah, even after I warned you against it, lol!)! You’ll make babies and probably name one Jose or something really Mexican like that (jk!). And you’ll definitely wear the pants in the relationship. Yes, that will probably happen in the near future. But lets not rush it ok? Because like I said before, I am married, so I must live the single life vigorously through you!! So tonight, go get hammered and have wild crazy sex with a stranger! Call me in the morning and don’t leave out any of the details!! LOL! Hope you have a wonderful birthday!! I love you, my BFF. And here’s to many more birthdays to come!!  

Love, 

Raquel

p/s I know twenty three isn’t a number we were hoping to get to this quickly (like 21 was). But don’t get all down in the dumps. It could be a lot worse. You could look like Snooki, and that skag is ORANGE.

Taking Charge; Moving On

I am being set up to fail. Anytime I think of something or come up with an idea it is taken from me or cast aside. Someone else takes the credit, and I’m left there with my jaw on the floor. Do you know how annoying that is? This place is filled with such worldly, materialistic, vain women and I find myself holding my tongue A LOT. Do you know how hard that is for me? Do you?? I was, am a very blunt person. If I think you’re an asshole, I’d let you know. I’m not a fake and it drives me crazy when people are. If you don’t like someone, then don’t like them. But be honest about it. Don’t talk shit behind their backs and then be all besties when they’re around. I’m no angel, and I talk shit sometimes, BUT I am not one to do it behind your back. I’ll tell it to your face if you’re around. If you ever come up amongst friends or in a conversation, I’m not about to pretend that I like you either. This applies to everyone in my life.

So yesterday when a co-worker (a friend) of mine quit because she was tired of being used as a rug, and tired of people bullying her, I was there for full support. But I was ashamed of myself because when the owner told our manager of this news, immediately after he walked out, she called over her “lap dog” and told her of the news and they laughed. Laughed! This is what they wanted all along. For her to leave and they were getting just that. I said nothing. I sat there and watched. I did not partake, but I should have been the ballsy, blunt, bitch of my youth and at least told them to fuck off or shut up. But I was a coward. I am in no position to risk my job right now and that’s what I am worried about losing. My friend has another job already, so she said what was on her mind and that was that. Until I get that same opportunity, I can’t say too much or I’ll get fired. But do hear me when I say this, If any shit talking occurs at HER expense today, you can bet your sweet ass that I will stick up for her. This has gone on long enough.

This morning, my mother let them know her opinion on the matter. And I just agreed with everything she said. I should have put my two cents in but I didn’t. She pretty much covered it all. The big boss lady is now fuming and accusing my mom of judging her. And maybe she was? But, my mom has a tendency, like me, to call it as she sees it (at the workplace anyway). Of course, her two little minions stood up for her and said that she was such a fair boss and that being the manager she couldn’t always be our friend. She has to make decisions that not everyone will like, which is true. But, you have to be EQUAL with all of your employees. And her two favorite kiss asses have not ever been on the other side of the fence. Why? Well, because she likes them. For example: when her “lap dog’s” horse died, she let her take the day off. When a service tech’s wife was going to have surgery because she had a tumor in her stomach and he asked off she said: “Well, we all have our problems.” He had to come to work. Or, whenever I got griped at for texting my husband AFTER HOURS, but she’ll let the lab technician ANSWER her phone whenever she wants. I’ve been here THREE years this next February, and I am being passed up for promotions. The part-timer gets an even bigger office than what she already has, next week. Everyone here is making at least double-digit pay, except me. If I do something wrong or mess up, I get told that I need to learn and fix it on my own. When her little minions screw up, SHE fixes it for them. And the list could go on and on because I have so many things I’ve seen and had done to me, all day!  

This is NOT a good workplace. And I know that my friend had a hard time leaving because it means uncertainty and because she has to start over. But, the only things keeping me here are insurance, an income, and my daughter. I suck it up for my family. Not for too much longer though. After the way they treated my friend, and after being “kicked” around myself, I officially registered for classes yesterday at Weatherford College. This Thursday I have to turn in my financial aid stuff, and I’ve decided to try and get into the “Dental Assistant” program. It takes 6-9 months, and I come out certified! Ready to jump into a career and if I ever decide to take on being a dentist, I get points for completing that program. So I wouldn’t have to retake the course!!

So here’s to change. Here’s to living MY life. Here’s to getting out of this shit hole. And here’s to leaving behind all the bullshit (and assholes) right along with it!!

Now What?

I’m frustrated. My parents (by that I mean my mother) want us to stay here.

You need to go to school here. 

You need to graduate here. 

Y'all need to find a house here. 

Y'all need to live here.

You won’t find anything in California.

With the plans Beau wanted to make, I knew that we couldn’t move anywhere until I got an education. But all these damn continuing ed classes have so many damn requirements (half of which take at least 3 months to complete). And if I went into a medical or pharmaceutical field, I’d have to retake a course if I ever moved out of state. ????  Doesn’t that completely cancel out the purpose of me taking the classes here? All the money spent, just to have to RETAKE it in another state? My GOD.

Beau’s job offer won’t be there forever. And that’s such a huge move with nothing. No money. Ugh, and now my mom is nagging at me because she thinks we need to stay here. You just shouldn’t move anywhere. No one could take care of Emery like family. You don’t have anyone you trust in California to take care of her and daycares are awful. But I can’t live right next door to her forever. At some point, we’ll have to leave (for my sanities sake). At some point, both Beau and I will be working and daycare or a babysitter will be a must. It’s going to happen at some point.

Right now, I’m just not sure what I want to do with my life. I have no idea which direction to go in, and I am completely frustrated about it. I am confused as to what to do. I’m frustrated at work. I have no desire to be there. But right now there is nothing else for me? No other jobs are coming up, and they keep feeding my dad lines on when they’ll be able to hire me at FMC. They told Beau to go apply at Square One last Friday and he did. We still haven’t heard back from them. The roofing company he was with hasn’t heard back from any of the bids so there’s no work for them right now. And I am negative in our account again. Money management really isn’t the problem either; it’s trying to live off of $400 checks (every two weeks). Sometimes, I have to overdraft in order to afford diapers or formula. Don’t judge me.

So now what? What do I do? Where do I go? And how do I get there? I have no idea. I wish I could get some kind of a sign.

p/s  After we went for a run this afternoon,

I opened the freezer to get some chicken, and

I noticed that MY bottle of jager was pretty much empty.

My husband decided he was going to drink my booze without telling me.

What a jerk!! I'm a pissed off about it.

Oh, For Crying Out Loud!

Good, LORD.

You know…the minute I feel like I have a sense of direction in my life. Something comes straight out of NOWHERE and really messes with me. I hate it.

As you read in my last post, I am all “Ready, Set, Go!” on college (or a certification program) depending on which would be cheaper and quicker. I emailed an advisor director and he asked me to either go up to the school or email the admissions office and talk to an admissions advisor about my particular situation. That is my next step.

So last night, after we (Emery, my mother, and I) get home from the Aglow meeting, I find my husband beaming. He’s on the phone with a friend of ours back in California, and I can tell he’s been making plans. He also looks like he hit MY bottle of Jager. Sure enough, after he gets off the phone with our friend he starts spitting up word vomit. I had to make him pause, breathe, and speak slower. And this is what I got:

“Scott said that he has work and it’s starting to pick up and get steady again! He said that in a few months he could probably hire me back if I want the job. And Price said that he’ll talk to him and maybe see if he can get me back on sooner! Then Price and I will find ourselves an apartment and after a month we’ll send for you and EMERY! Having a roommate is going to help us out so much with bills. Isn’t that great? Getting to be back in California? It’s gunna be great!!”

Pause…

Longer pause….

Oh man. What the crap?!? YOU CAN NOT DO THAT!! We are a FAMILY. That means you talk to ME before making life-changing decisions, damn it!! You do NOT make plans without consulting with me first. Ugh! Why do men not get that? Why must they jump head first without looking, ALL of the time? I mean, really?! Needless to say, I rained on his parade. When he saw the look on my face he asked:

“What? What’s wrong? Why aren’t you excited?”

Oh…my…GOD! Excited? Why the HELL would I be excited?!? Oooh, That totally sent me off the edge, inside. I was completely calm on the outside though. I smiled and politely said:

“Babe, we’ll discuss this later, ok?”

Later came, and by that point, I had all the reasons as to why this wasn’t the best idea right now all organized in my head. My husband was completely in “pouty- baby” mode. He tried coming up with answers to every point that I was making. But in the end, he realized that maybe I really did have a point. I wasn’t just trying to flat out say no.

• We agreed that I’d go back to school so that I could get a better job with more money. Something that I can fall back on, so WE can have a better life. I need to be able to do that before we do anything or go anywhere.

• We have no working car at the moment, and it’ll be a while before we get the one we do have fixed and running (IF they can even fix it). We need a vehicle if we’re going to go anywhere.

• You still have no license, and you have to prove residency in a DIFFERENT STATE before they will cancel yours in California so you can get one in Texas. If you do not cancel it, you will have to do 3 months worth of classes in California, $100 apiece, before you can get a license there again.

• We still have a lot of money that we owe for tickets, lawyers, and bills here in Texas that we need to take care of before up and leaving.

• We have to have money to move. Our furniture, clothes, and pets will not go by themselves. U-hauls cost money. Gas costs money.

• We’ve done the roommate thing several times. And yes, it helps to NOT have to pay bills on your own, but we have a child now. There cannot be any partying, or drugs at our home. We have to be responsible. And as much as I love our friend, he likes to party. And with it being his house as well, he’ll probably find it very unfair that he can’t continue to hold parties at a place that he is helping pay for.

• Daycare is EXPENSIVE over there. WE have to plan on that because we don’t have anyone (that we know and trust) that will take care of her for $60 a week.

• We need to look at the economy. We need to look at the jobs. We can’t just go because we want to we have to have a plan. We have to have money and a stable place to live.

I miss Cali just as much as he does. I miss the ocean, and I miss the friends I made there. I miss the palm trees, and I miss being on our own. Kim says I miss the “idea” of California but that’s not really it. I miss that place because we had family there, and we had friends. We know our way around. But in all honesty, any place close to the Ocean would do.

This is a huge decision. We can’t go into this like before, with no money and just living paycheck to paycheck. When it was just Beau and me, well, we could live with Ramen Noodles, and the water or electricity getting turned off for a few days (not that it ever happened). But now, we have to PLAN and we have to save money. We have to think of this RESPONSIBLY, because it’s not just us two anymore. It’s us three. And I will not make a move, that far away, with no place to live and no job (for the both of us). It’s completely out of the question.

So now I need to figure out if this move is serious? If it is, do I need to go to school there? Do we wait and let me start and finish here? Do we even move? With the economy the way it is, would it be a smart move? How would our lives change if we did? Would it be healthy for Emery? Would it be better for all of us?

And a NEW plan begins….?

Back To School, I Think?

Lately, things at work have been pretty awful. And it was confirmed that I am the LOWEST paid employee. Then, a co-worker of mine said he was officially going back to college. He said “Raquel, if I can go back, so can you.” And this got me thinking. I do need to go back to school. I need to have a career, or at least get certified in something so that I can make a better living for my family and myself. So, I started looking at schools in my area because being a full-time worker, and a MOTHER leaves me with some obstacles. I want to be able to do some if not most of my schooling ONLINE. Ranger seemed like the obvious choice but you can’t do your basics online. Then Weatherford College was suggested. They have more classes online, and they have more of a selection in certified programs. So, I’m looking into both. Wish me luck!!

I want to get something as quickly as I can because lately, we’ve been talking about our future. Where we want to live. Where we want to go. How we’d like to raise Emery. And all of these topics involve us moving somewhere. Not sure where yet, but we both want to get out of here. We want to start fresh. Really start our lives in a place that is healthy, and stable for all of us. Yes, we have talked about going back to California as well, but we’ve both agreed that right now would not be a good time to go in that direction (permanently). There are no jobs out there right now, and with neither one of us having anything besides a high school diploma, we really wouldn’t have a lot of job options anyways. I would love to go somewhere new. Somewhere that has all the seasons! Or somewhere close to a beach. I love the smell of the ocean. I miss it.

Other than that, not much has been new. I’ve been busy trying to get into a work out routine, and my husband has even joined me. I want/need to lose some weight. So by the time we’re done I’m tired and ready to fall into bed, and pass out. I’ve also been trying to focus as much on Emery as I can. She’s pulling herself up now, and she has even stood up (balanced) by herself for a few seconds. Plus with the teething kicking in, she’s been a tad bit grumpy and edgy. Demanding our full attention at all times. But, I can’t complain. Seeing her grow has been an amazing thing. 

16 Things I'd Tell My 16 Year Old Self

Not the most important things, and I just wrote whatever popped into my head at that very moment (not a lot of thought went into it). So don't take this too seriously. Also, this is not in any particular order.

•  Bills Suck. No really, they do.
• Working for money, is SOOO not what it's made out to be.
• Cars cost money. Lots and Lots of money. Wrecking them costs even more.
• Credit cards are bad.
• Life really is UNFAIR
• When you're in California, at the pool hall, and you and some friends decide you want to go smoke and drink outside. DON'T! If you do, lots of money and a drivers license will be taken away.  
• Pregnancy is not all "sun kissed glow", and fun times. You'll look like shit 80% of the time.  
• Child birth HURTS, but you do forget the pain, so don't stress .
•  NEVER stop exercising, YOU WILL REGRET IT IF YOU DO!
• WAIT, don't be in a hurry to grow up, it's not what it's all cracked up to be!
• Daddy, will eventually stop paying for things.
• Go to college.
• Don't date guys you think you can fix. It gets messy (and M.U. cheats on you anyways). 
• Friends WILL eventually replace you, so stop acting like they're your whole life.
• Never take Beau out of California.
• Never take the job offer at Vet Outlet (seriously, STAY AWAY!!).

Now your turn. What would you, tell you're16-year-old self?

Reality

I need to win a couple million dollars so I don't ever have to work again. I need it so I can also pay off all of our debt/bills, have another baby, have the surgery to shrink my tummy and get rid of the stretch marks AFTER I've had the baby, buy a house, buy us another car, be a stay at home mommy, be able to homeschool my little ones (or maybe send to a private school?), and finally to pay for their college education.

That is what I want.

Unfortunately, I will never win that money.

Unfortunately, I will spend a good amount of the money we earn paying off our debt instead of putting it away for EMERY'S college (and future car).

Unfortunately, I will have to work for the rest of my life.

Unfortunately, I will probably have to send Emery to public school.

Unfortunately, we'll have to depend on scholarships to help us get Emery into/through college.

Unfortunately, I will be driving around the explorer until it breaks down.

Unfortunately, I will never get that surgery, and my stretch marks will continue to laugh in my face.  

That is reality.

The point of this?

Just to let you know my reality kind of sucks right now.

I'm in a downer mood, and I feel the need to share.

Blah!! This Sucks!

First, let me start off with some GOOD news. WE have OUR explorer up and RUNNING again!!! YAY US!! No more having to borrow my parent's vehicle!!! Today, my husband is going to get an alignment done, and the inspection sticker. It will be ready to go this afternoon! I am BEYOND excited!! So, at least that's going well.

Next, I gained more weight. I have fallen off the bandwagon. HARD. I have two things to blame for this. My lack of motivation, and my job. My lack of motivation is a big part. I looked at myself yesterday, and I literally felt disgusted. And I thought to myself "Omg, you're never going to be that perfect size 8 ever again..." I feel so ashamed for letting myself go in the first place. But now, trying to lose the weight seems that much more impossible. PLUS, my husband has decided that in a year or two (maybe three, but that's it) he'd like to have another baby. This comes after 6 months of him saying: 

 "No. Absolutely NO more babies! Emery is handful already. How are we going to afford college for her much less another one?! Absolutely NOT. Nuh uh, no way."  

On Monday, he "nonchalantly" stated that we WOULD (in the future) be having another child. He was playing with Emery, dancing around, tickling her, and she was giggling so hard. That's when he stopped and he said: 

"Well, Emery's about to start walking, and in a year or two, she's not going to be as clingy. She's not going to find this stuff as funny anymore, and I'm going to want another baby. So in two years or so we'll have another baby then." 

It came out of nowhere. I did a double take in my head. Was that really coming out of his mouth? Crap! I was just wrapping my head around the idea of us NOT having any more children and then he goes and spouts this off? What the HELL?!?! So, I replied: 

"WELL, it'll have to be in a year or so because I'm not about to get all in shape only to have to get fat again. And I'm not having children after 26. I want to be able to DO stuff once they're both out of the house. AND it's a 50/50 shot that we'll get a boy next time, so I don't want you all mopey if we end up with TWO girls. So we better be sure."

So now, the idea of having to get fat again has seriously messed with my weight loss plan. I KNOW, that I still need to kick my ass back in shape REGARDLESS of whether we decide to get pregnant again. But, seriously?! All that hard work....just to blow up again?! Oh god, that's so discouraging.

So how does my job fit into this? Well, let's just say that my work environment is horrible. It drains me by 11:00 am. I get home, and all I want to do is...nothing. Dealing with bullshit, drama, gossip, and the ongoing power struggle takes a huge toll on me. That accounts for my laziness and lack of energy lately. I mean, seriously, I have to muscle up the energy to shower when I get home. Yea...that bad... 

Babies and Pets

Oh man...I read this story today, that made me really sad. A couple left their newborn in the room with their family dog for a "second" and the dog killed the baby. Unfortunately, it was my favorite breed that did this.  

Dog Attacks Newborn

I swear things just look worse and worse for these dogs every year. I am a "Proud Pit Bull Mommy". I love Sampson. He was our first "child", and sometimes I feel bad for not having as much time for him as I used to. But, my EMERY comes first! Still, I feel that these dogs get such a bad light cast on them, and I am blaming the owners. Lousy dog ownership.

I do NOT leave Sampson alone with Emery. EVER. In fact, he became an outside dog three month before Emery was born. And my mother won't even leave Brinks (the Boston Terrier) alone with her either. There is a reason for this. Emery is a baby. And no matter how nice or friendly our dogs have been or are, they are still animals. Sampson has been wonderful around other children, and we take him for walks with us when we take Emery out in the stroller. But he's always on a leash. When he was being introduced to children, and to Emery he was always supervised and on a leash. So, this brings me to ask,

WHAT WERE THESE PARENTS THINKING?!?!

I know that we LOVE our pets, but when it comes to our BABIES (& children) we should all start being a bit more careful. More responsible. When we decided to take Sampson I did my research on the breed, and I always took precautions. With ANY dog, you have to be cautious. They lack that control that most of us humans have. I say most because we as humans also have our bad guys out there. If something makes us mad, annoys us, looks at us the wrong way, or smells funny WE can control how we react/act out on this. Animals are a bit different. Their reactions involve being protective, or violent. You can see this with any animal! Even if you have an amazingly well-trained dog, in one second he could just as easily disobey you. They all at one point or another act out, Samp does it when he's annoyed with us (ex: chewing on clothes, jumping on you repeatedly, or ignoring you altogether -- kinda sounds like a teenager--). And that's why I believe that when it comes to CHILDREN and PETS you must be extra careful. No matter what the breed.

It's like I always say, EDUCATE yourselves! I'm not perfect, and I know we all make mistakes, but had these parents been more cautious. Had they taken the "animal instinct" these dogs have, more seriously, they might still have their little one. And this makes me even sadder. This baby only had four days on this Earth. Four days of life, and it was taken away, just like that.

So when it comes to your children, and your pets I'm urging you to read up on the breed and to be careful! Never leave your little ones alone with the pet(s). I'd rather we be too careful than to see this happen again.

Child Abuse

When I was in high school, I hung out a lot at my friend Brett's house. This is where I met J.R. I didn't know his last name then but, he’s a good person and a great dad. 

Last Monday, something hit the news and I didn't know it involved him until I saw the picture on the jar at Wal-Mart last Thursday. Turns out he had gotten divorced a few months ago, and his ex-wife was able to take the girls. He was currently fighting for custody. The story came out that one of the girls had recently died, and that she had been related to someone from Stephenville. Turns out it was one of his little girls. They had suffered a lot of physical (probably even verbal/emotional) abuse at the hands of their mother and grandmother. As a result of this abuse, one was in critical condition (she is 12 months old), and the other died last Monday (she was 2 years old). Click here for the story. So I'm asking for prayer for him, the little one that passed, their family, and for the little one still in the hospital.

I am a mother. And the fact that this lady physically BEAT her OWN daughters this badly is beyond me!?! I can not believe that there are people out there that are this SICK. How can you be so damn cruel; such a monster towards your own baby(babies)? We are mothers and fathers. We are supposed to love, teach, and PROTECT our children. If you want to punish something, why not yourself?! They are innocent. They are a gift. And yet child abuse is so real. And there are some people out there that make what this lady did seem merciful. Make her a saint. This angers me to no end. You must be a really sorry, pathetic person if you have to beat up on a child. And in my opinion, if you can do that, you aren't worthy of being a parent. You aren't worthy of being alive. If it were up to me, I'd give them the same treatment they gave their children, and then sit them in the electric chair. I am dead serious.

An eye for an eye.

Week Wrap Up (This is Extremely Long)

10/17

Vacation!!! Emery and I drove up to Oklahoma to pick up my husband. We stayed up there till Tuesday because his boss paid for our room. The drive up there was brutal. Emery had a really bad diaper rash, and a runny nose. A three hour drive turned into a 4 in a half hour drive. We got there and had a BBQ with some of the other workers and the ladies from the BAYMONT INN. The guys have been there for 8 months, so they thought they'd do something nice for them as well. I got to see the mountains, and we even did some shopping for Emery! Finally got the crib we wanted for her!! Then we got to go eat at this place called Meers, which was an old run down looking place, but it had the BEST burgers. They make it out of longhorn meat, which is like 10x's better than regular meat. It was delicious! I enjoyed the mini vacation.

10/19

HAPPY BIRTHDAY HUSBAND!!!  Yup, it was my husband's birthday and we spent it driving home. But hey, we got to spend it together at least? He turned 24, and when we got home my mom had a cake and card waiting. We'll probably celebrate it some more this weekend.

10/20

Happy Anniversary!!! Ahh!! Two years. We have made it, two whole years. Granted, they weren't the most wonderful or easy, and we had our fair share of problems, but we MADE IT despite the odds! We decided to work on our relationship, to listen to each other, and we as a couple are better because of it. That is something to be proud of. We didn't throw in the towel like so many other young couples do and that, to me, is an accomplishment. It gives me hope, that if we can work things out as they come that we can make it through anything!

Dear Husband,  I love you. You are my best friend. WE have made it two years! I know that things have not been easy, and we have had our differences. But, I want to thank you, for not giving up on US. For continuing this journey of marriage with me. 

I also want to thank you for all of the good times, and the bad ones (ok, maybe we could have left some of those bad ones out?). They have made us who we are today. We are growing up together, and I feel lucky to have you by my side as we do so. And finally I'd like to thank you for our wonderful daughter Emery (because let's face it, without you she would not be here). You gave me the gift of motherhood, and I feel truly blessed having her in our life. She has brought us closer together, in ways neither one of us thought was possible. 

You are a wonderful husband, and a wonderful father. You are an amazing person, and I love you. So here's to 80 more years of life, love, and laughter. 

Love,
Your Wife 

p/s And thank you for helping me with all of my ridiculous ideas and plans that may not have always been the best or the smartest (and you told me repeatedly so), but you helped me anyways.

10/21

Happy Birthday to ME!! I turned 23 yesterday. I also found out that Emery has a yeast infection (that bad rash I mentioned earlier), lots of congestions, bad allergies, and what looks to be like the starting of an ear infection.

Yesterday I contemplated some life "altering" decisions. Job: I might have another job soon. I need insurance though, and it'll take three months before I can get it through them (if they make me full time). And that's if the job actually gets offered to me. Moving: We are saving a lot of money by being in my parents "guest house" but living right next door is starting to cause some strain. Constantly being told what to do, how to do it. Being teased about my weight, or about how broke I am hasn't been fun.  So, moving seems to be a pretty good option. But, that means bills, rent, and no help with Emery when I need it. Also, Beau has been asked to go work in WASHINGTON (state) if his boss gets the bid. He'd be up there for 8 months. His boss said that they could make some arrangements for me and Emery to stay up there too. So that could be another option. Marriage: My husband, being here only 3 days, is  already bored. His phone is ringing again, he's wanting to drink, and go out. I on the other hand am trying to make up some time at work, clean up the house, do the unfinished laundry, and catch up on some much needed sleep. This in turn is getting me called "boring" and too "knaggy" when I complain about not having enough help. Needless to say, we're butting heads. I see parenting one way, he sees it another. I have my priorities in one order, his are in a completely different order. I'm thinking about US, he's thinking about HIM. I'm tired of coming last in a long list of "priorities". 

And so yesterday, on MY birthday, I put these requests out on the table:

Think about US. Think about this relationship. What do you want from it, and what do you not want from it? This afternoon when I get home, we'll talk about what we've both thought about. We'll discuss whether we still want to be in this relationship or not. And what direction we want to go in. We can't keep doing this circles. I can't keep doing these circles. 

Today

Last night went very well. We both want to make this relationship last. We both want to grow old together, and better our relationship. We talked, and we have both agreed on some changes (ex: I not act like I'm 80 and can no longer go out; he not act like he's 15 and want to go out all the time) and some compromises. He actually made PLANS for MY birthday! He arranged for my mother to babysit, then he took me to Chili's for dinner, I received my present (a beautiful bracelet), and then some of our friends had made me a cake so we went over to their house. It was such a nice evening! He stayed sober, so I could drink, but even with that I didn't drink much. It was still a nice gesture. We were home by 10:30, got Emery, and we went to bed. Lovely. PERFECT, even.

And today, I got to see JULIE!! She's amazing. I miss her so much. Plus, it's FRIDAY!! So, it's going to be a good day! And this afternoon, Beau said we can go and shop for something for OURSELVES. I have my eye on either the Grey's latest season and maybe a second movie (oh! or that nifty make-up bag I've been wanting) or a treadmill (depending on my budget, lol!). Something tells me, I should decide on the movie though. Either way, it'll be nice to spend on myself for a change.

I'm happy. I feel, at peace in a way. Emery is being taken care of and getting better. My husband and I have an understanding and we're communicating. And we are getting our financial crap in order. Our legal crap is being taken care of.

And I'm happy.

Yay me!!

Temper Tantrums, Birthdays, and Work

You know that level of exhaustion where EVERYTHING feels comfortable? You could be sitting on a cement floor and it would feel like the world most comfortable bed? Well, that’s where I’m at. That level really sucks! Emery has started waking up in the middle of the night and she’ll stay up for like 1-2 hours. Banging on my head with her toy. I swear she’s going to be a drummer like her father. These late/early nights combined with the sudden weather change, have also caused her to get what seems to be an ear infection. Let’s throw in that she’s also teething, and you can imagine my pain.

If I were a stay at home mom, this might not bother me as much because I could sneak in naps here and there. But, I’m not. So work has been so annoying, and extra tiresome these past few weeks. I almost walked out Friday because I felt I was going to fall asleep right at my desk! My eyelids were sooo heavy the entire day. Why don’t I nap? Well, let's see. Beau’s been gone and as much as my parents help they still have their own lives and engagements. So, as soon as Emery is asleep I’m rushing trying to get laundry done. Sweeping, mopping, cleaning bottles, putting up laundry, feeding animals, and by the time that’s all done she’s up again. I’ve tried leaving her in the playpen, and also in her walker, but my darling precious little angel has started to throw tantrums. I swear this is not my fault. The babysitter can’t help herself and so she picks Emery up EVERY time she cries.

This kindness/weakness of hers, in turn, is causing problems for me. I love our babysitter. She’s a Godly person, and she speaks to Emery in Spanish. She adores Emery and takes REALLY good care of her. Plus, she’s cheap and she only takes care of ONE other child so the chances of Emery getting sick are a lot less than at a daycare. Still, Emery has started throwing fits. And you may think I’m kidding or exaggerating, but I’m not. She stomps her feet and throws herself backward. Sometimes she even THROWS things. She’ll scream and scream and it’s getting to be just a tad bit ridiculous. I refuse to be one of those mother’s that lets her child throw a fit because they can’t get what they want. I hate seeing that and have always vowed to NEVER let that happen once I had a child. But these recent episodes of hers are making me second guess whether I’ll have a choice in the matter or not. Now comes the next question: How soon can I start giving spankings?  (not even kidding)

This upcoming week is going to make my lack of sleep problem, a whole lot worse. Birthdays and anniversaries. Lots of them. We have a lot of stuff we have to do for the house before winter kicks in, and we have to get the explorer up and running. It’s going to be a very busy end-of-the month for us. Not to mention we have to finish paying off our lawyer and get my husband's license back. That means a lot of paperwork, legal people, insurance companies and a whole list of other crap I’d rather not deal with. Ugh, I’m so dreading it. 

So, wish me luck. I’m going to need it.

How To Turn Bowling Into A Marital Issue

A few weekends ago I “attempted” bowling. By attempt, I mean I put the shoes on and then held the ball. Yea…it was a no go. I started sweating and feeling sick to my stomach. That’s how I get when I’m nervous or completely embarrassed. My husband was annoying me too. He kept saying things like “I can’t believe you made me pay for you if you weren’t even going to bowl.” “Just get up and throw the ball!” and “I’m not showing you, just get up and throw it.” This was irritating me to no end and REALLY not making me want to bowl. The nerve of the man!! To say those things so loudly that EVERYONE could hear! As if I wasn’t embarrassed enough already!

You see, when it comes to looking like a complete idiot, I am so not in. I am one of those people that get annoyed when others pretend like they know what they’re doing but in reality have no clue! So I do research and I have to have someone PHYSICALLY show me the movements or techniques before even attempting something on my own. I practice until I’m sure I’ve gotten it down well enough, and THEN I’ll “go public”. This applies to EVERYTHING in life. When I play games, learn a new skill, exercising, or even playing sports. The only way I learned how to play dominoes was because Beau’s aunt and uncle broke down the game for me piece by piece. Call me a perfectionist all you want, I don’t care. It’s just how I am. So, I was sitting there turning red because my husband is saying these things, talking about how it’s just so easy that anyone can do it, and then there was this old man sitting right behind us starring at me! I’m so not even kidding. Every time I got up he’d follow. It was weird. But anyway, my husband not once offered to teach me how to stand or hold the ball. Not once did he try to show me how to throw it or teach me what things meant. The best he got out was “Just throw the ball…” How considerate, huh? There he and his mother are talking about strikes, spares, 10’s, and 12’s. Then they were talking about hitting a single pin, ways to spin the ball, and how they like different feet positions. I HAD NO IDEA WHAT THEY WERE TALKING ABOUT!! And not once did anyone try teaching me or explaining it to me! So I was very butthurt. I’m welling up with tears right now just thinking about it.

Ugh, I hate being such a baby. But he was making it sound like I was so stupid for not knowing how to bowl. I was incompetent. He was making me seem like I was so ridiculous for not wanting to look stupid. And he’d roll his eyes at me every time I said I didn’t want to get up and “throw the ball”. Next time I should just chunk it huh? And when he has to pay for the damages I’ll just look at him and say “You told me to throw it…” My mother knows how to bowl but she never took us. Hence the not knowing how to bowl. My brother recently learned, and a lot of my family goes out to the bowling alley and they all say it’s a lot of fun. I’d like to learn and see for myself, but how am I supposed to do that with a very inconsiderate and impatient husband? What’s worse is that he has no clue how hurtful he was being. He never does. He’s a guy.  

I know, I know. It’s just bowling. But seriously, it still hurt my feelings that he was like that towards me. It hurt my feelings that he wouldn’t even TRY showing me. And it pisses me off that HE was complaining about ME when I wasn’t even doing anything wrong. I was just being shy which is how I ALWAYS am, and he knows it!! He knows I have to have someone show me things and yet he still pulled that crap?!?

Uggh! Men.

Trapt; Short Post From My Phone

I have this feeling of unease. I'm frustrated and annoyed. I want the world to shut up. Leave me be. I feel like I'm trapped in a dead end town working a dead end job that pays shit. I want to cry and scream at the same time. The hours pass by so slowly. My husband is not here to help calm me down and I feel lonely and encased. I want something more. We NEED something more.

I think I might have a panic attack soon if I don't get it together...

What Are We Going To Do?

I was doing research for an essay I am supposed to be writing. But then I got sidetracked. Yes, This happens a lot. I started reading these articles about the sudden “teen” suicides going on all over the US and how it’s being contributing to “bullying”. From Phoebe Prince, to four other gay kids. And this has me asking, what are we going to do about this? So many people want to blame this on “bullying” and yet we are not once looking at the parents. I understand that these kids need to be punished, and I am a big supporter of them needing to serve jail time. But we as parents need to start looking into how we are raising our children. That’s the bigger picture.

I myself, do not agree with homosexuality. BUT, I don’t judge those living that lifestyle. I do not agree with abortion, but if you’ve gotten one it doesn’t mean that I will hate you for it. Bullying is something else I don’t agree with but I myself was a bit of a bully in Junior High. This was due to me BEING bullied in my younger years. I was a girl, and I developed a lot faster than some others. I was constantly being grabbed or having my hair pulled. Being called a “wetback”. And one day a teacher told me to “Not be afraid to fight back”. And I did. Now, I look back on it and MAYBE I should have not started so many fights, but I was sticking up for myself as well as my little brother. I feel that defending yourself is a lot different than picking on someone. I think that we as parents need to start raising our children differently!

For starters, there is so much more out there than high school. There is so much more beyond prom queens and football stars. They may be the most popular, most beautiful people in school, but they could end up working the convenience store down the road. They may one day WORK for you.

Second, our children ARE beautiful and they should focus on OTHER things besides vanity, and popularity. Look to the future. Boy/girlfriends are great, but you don’t NEED them. They do not MAKE you. You must be happy with yourself. Love YOURSELF. You must do that first before finding a boy/girlfriend or a spouse. THEY can only bring so much to the table.

Third, teach them to be strong. Have them learn how to throw a punch, learn how to stand strong in their beliefs. I know “violence is not the answer” but learning how to defend yourself might not be so bad. Teach them to not be swayed or convinced to do something they don’t want to. Peer pressure sucks, but if you start teaching them early on, they might not be so easily pressured. When someone calls them a name or is teasing them, immediately go to the other child’s parent. No matter how “embarrassing” it is for your child. So help me God, I will take whoever it is that’s teasing my baby and put them over my knee for a few good licks. Ok, maybe not that EXTREME but you better believe they will get a good talking to from me. I don’t care who they are or who their parents are. If you will not discipline your child you better believe I won’t just stand by and let that happen. I’ll instill the fear of God at least, LOL! 

Four, is respect. Respect for yourself as well as respect for others. There should not be any back talking. They should not be told it’s ok if they were making fun of someone else. Discipline your children! I know that even some of us, as adults, tease or make fun of others sometimes and we really should see the example we are setting. Do you think it’s ok to have a child yell at you or cuss at you? Is it ok for them to pick on others? Our children will only grow and learn from what they are TAUGHT. What they are ALLOWED to get away with. And that’s why I think, we as parents need to do a better job.

Now, I might eat my words when Emery gets older. I might do all the right things and her still come out rebellious and easily persuaded. I might turn out to be the worst mother ever. But I will try my hardest to not be. I will try my hardest to be a good example. And I will do my damnedest to make sure that I teach her right from wrong. She will know. What she chooses to do with that knowledge, and those lessons will be left up to her. But you better believe the minute she starts calling people names, starting fights, or thinking she can run around all night she will be over my knee getting some licks. And when she’s older to where licks don’t work…well, I’ll cross that bridge when I get there!

p/s I know there’s a lot I didn't cover, but those were the basics.

Those were the main topics I wanted to cover. The ones I think should come first.

Rough Saturday Night

My husband got to come home on Friday, and I was so excited. We were planning for me to go up to Oklahoma, but at the last minute, Beau’s partner said he wanted to come down. Yay! I didn’t have to make the three( maybe longer) hour drive!!

Everything was great! Then Saturday happened. We decided to go out to a bar. My mother-in-law would babysit, and we’d cut loose a little. If we got too drunk, we’d call his aunt. I should have stopped at the second beer. We ended up pretty drunk, called his aunt. Beau had been talking to these guys from two different bands there the whole night! I honest to GOD didn’t think anything of it. But then, I started talking to one of them, and he acknowledged me as Beau’s wife. Shook my hand, and started off about Christian music and how he was a big Christian. Mind you, he’s hit on everything that’s walked past him, and he’s highly intoxicated. So, I went off on how it says in the bible that you aren't supposed to get drunk. And if he’s such a Christian why is he deliberately breaking the rules?  Apparently, when he’s drunk he “talks more about God”.  Well, right after that, Beau’s aunt comes up and tells me to “Stop! Seriously, Raquel, you need to stop!” I asked what, and she said: “You know what, or do you not see Beau’s reaction?” Beau is causing a scene. Let's fast forward the juicy stuff, and at some point, I get called a whore, and to fuck off. To which I replied, “ I talk to one guy, who you were just talking to, and I’m a slut?! What about all the girls YOU hit on?! What about the girl you supposedly only THOUGHT about cheating on me with?! I didn’t do a damn thing wrong!!”     

We get taken home, and we talk, make-up, have some make-up sex, pass out. Emery was up bright and early and my head felt like someone was digging into it with a screwdriver. I take some Tylenol and some Powerade. All better. But, then I ask my husband why he freaked out, and he says it’s because his aunt pointed out that I was flirting with another guy. I told him I was not flirting, and all we talked about was God. Apparently, my husband says I was “all over” this guy. BULLSHIT! And so this is what I said:

“Babe, I’m really sorry if it came off as me flirting, but I honestly was not. We didn’t touch once, and we were standing across from each other! He even acknowledged that you were my HUSBAND! I’m sorry you felt like I was “all over” another guy, but I wasn’t. And I don’t feel bad because I honestly did nothing wrong. But I am sorry that it came off as me being flirtatious because that was not at all my intentions. I love you, and only you.”

He accepted my apology. But after this latest spat, I have decided that I will not be getting drunk with my husband anymore. I can handle a girls night every now and then. Maybe even every once in a while with my husband when we are by ourselves (or in Cali!!). BUT, not in public. And I’m not even sure I want to continue drinking. I had my tiny bit of “letting loose” before all that crap happened this past Saturday, and I felt like I was just over the whole thing. Before last night, Beau and I were getting along a lot better. And I don’t want to ruin that with alcohol. It’s not worth it, and I just don’t feel the same about it anymore. Now I’m not saying I swear it off completely because one day I just might go out and get drunk, but I’m saying that it’s not something I “want” to do anymore. I can live without it. I feel like it’s not worth causing problems in my relationship for a few hours of inebriation.

I love my husband, and I honestly don’t look at other guys (except Robert Pat, but he plays Edward so how could I NOT?) and I really don’t want to. I’m not out looking or thinking about cheating. It’s not how I am. It’s not what I want. I am perfectly happy with the man I am with. Through the good times and the bad ones.