Ideal Mom

I shall do a catch-up post later. Right now, I’d like to talk about my guilt, confusion with life, and fear of being a horrible mother.

I am first and foremost, a mother. My actions should speak accordingly, right? I must start BEING the part instead of acting it. Right? So where does that leave my old past time enjoyments? Where does that leave the people I raised hell with? Where does that leave my views on life? Where does that leave my old views on parenting? Where does that leave ME? Not the me now that’s stuck in this weird growing up limbo, but the ME before parenthood happened? How do I let go of the past, in order to be a parent that is responsible and puts their child first? I seem to be struggling so hard with balance. I struggle between letting loose every once in a while, and just completely throwing it all out the window and filling my closet with mommy shorts. Because I can't seem to let go of the ideal picture of what a mother should be. I fall short of that image every day.

Drinking: I can’t take a drink or go out without Em, before I start feeling like I am betraying her. Like I am losing precious moments with her because I am being selfish. I end up not enjoy myself and start looking for any excuse to get home early. I can’t bring myself to cut loose and go to a party (having a babysitter of course) every now and then without feeling like I’m such a shitty person for seeking out those lush feelings again. Those “happy, giggly, bubbly” feelings. Shouldn’t my child bring all of that and more? Shouldn’t SHE be enough? Of course she is! So why should I need anything else? Why do I still think back to those days of drunken carelessness, and feel as if I’ve lost those “feelings” forever? Why do I keep feeling as if I am failing my daughter by wanting to be “young” every once in a while?

Motherhood: I can’t seem to enjoy ANYTHING these days. I try and sometimes I achieve a bit of joy and happiness. But then the pressures of not being a good mom start to weigh on my shoulders. I wonder if I’m not spending enough time with her. Am I doing the right things in life that will eventually benefit HER. Do I not hold her enough? Am I too focused on blogging, working out, or a movie? How much time apart is too much time apart? Are the examples that I and my husband set, as a couple, going to be good for her. What and why do we need to change? How do we go about this? What all must I teach her? Am I teaching her the right things? And let’s not even start on my parents. I swear it’s like I do nothing right in their eyes. To them, I’m still a child raising a child. I appreciate the advice, but sometimes they are OVERLY helpful. Overly critical of my parenting. And that’s only when they let me parent. I ask for them to not feed Emery sweets, and what do they do? Feed her sweets. I tell my parents to feed her the organic baby food, and she’s being fed ICE CREAM or beans. I tell them to let her cry when she’s throwing a tantrum and they are the first to pick her up. I swear, it’s like I don’t get a say in how my daughter should be raised. ALL of this and MORE cross through my head constantly. And half the time, I flip-flop on the answers; the solutions. I can’t make up my mind or seem to focus on one way of doing things. I can’t seem to be OK, with my way of parenting. Especially when I have so many people setting me up on this “Mommy” pedestal that I can’t possibly live up to.

Friendships: My god, I feel as if we have none. I mean seriously I have no one I could run and talk to if something was bothering me. Yes, I have my husband, but sometimes HE is what’s bothering me. To which I would usually talk to someone, clear my head, and THEN go talk to my husband. Sometimes I need to vent and lately, I’ve realized that I have no outlet. I have this blog. But really? Internet friends can only do so much. And then, we have all of our old friends. The ones that are single, non-parents, immature, or parents that party way too much. I feel as if I can not relate to a SINGLE thing they are doing or going through. Everyone posts pictures of being drunk, going out to the bars and getting wasted, or of all of them getting together for BBQ’s or a night out. All of that without so much as a text in our direction. So are they really even friends now? Should I even bother with keeping them in my damn contacts list? Should I even bother making new ones? My life seems to be pretty complicated already. And I seem to keep being told that my daughter should be my only focus and priority. So where do friends really fit in now?  

How do I find balance? I seem to keep asking that, huh? Motherhood has been one of the most amazing, joyful and yet confusing, frustrating times I have ever had the pleasure of going (and continuing to go) through. How can anyone ever really be a “young” mom? A “young” parent? Parenthood brings on a whole new set of responsibilities. And you can’t face them as a naive, “young” person. You can’t hold on to your past because that no longer exists. You are no longer an I. You are now a WE.  But how much change is too much? And how do you keep a bit of yourself as you go through this transition? You can’t, can you? You have to face these new responsibilities as a responsible, adult. There’s no more childish, youthful carelessness allowed anymore. That me, must go. Right?

Ah, balance.

You are such a bitch to attain.