Wordless Wednesday

Wordless Wednesday

Wordless Wednesday

Wordless Wednesday

 

Wordless Wednesday

 

Random Thoughts // One - Twenty One - Twenty

Today, I'm not going to write about one specific thing. I don’t want to think about anything for too long either, really. Not today. My head hurts, and coffee isn't even touching it. And, to be quite honest, I’m not feeling up to writing very much this evening. So, I’m just going to jot down some random thoughts as they come to me. See where it takes us… 

This weekend was a doozy. Emotionally speaking anyways. My overthinking, and fight or flight instincts tend to kick in at their highest when I feel very insecure about whatever it is that I’m currently going through. When I’m not 100% sure of where I stand with people I start to feel like I’m a burden and then I do everything I can to put up walls. To cut people off. And I’ve noticed that right at the end of my cycle I also tend to get anxious. I feel the tension throughout my entire body and I feel it in waves. Now, I’ve only been putting attention to this since December so I can’t say for certain, but I believe there’s definitely a pattern. I plan on keeping track over the next few months so I guess we’ll see.

While I was dealing with a lot of emotional stuff over the weekend I did my best to leave it all in the church pew on Sunday night. I didn’t want to walk out of there with so much heaviness on my chest. “There’s too much noise, it’s getting to be too much. Please, please take some of it away.” We were some of the last few people to exit the church when my uncle came over and said a little prayer for me. When I opened my eyes I looked around and just felt so blessed to have so many understanding people in my life. I appreciate every single one of them and I know I don’t tell them enough. Sometimes I allow anxiety and depression to dictate my decisions and how I live my life which can be really frustrating for the people who care about me. I know that during some of those slumps I’m not the best company. That I can be difficult to deal with. I know that I can be this ball of toxic energy and it’s normal for people to want to distance themselves from that. Believe me, I totally get it. So, I’m super grateful to all of those who have stood by me through it all. My mom, who kisses my forehead and tells me everything will be okay. My dad, who goes to the gym with me and pushes me to go harder when he can tell I need to work through some stuff. My sister-in-law who listens to EVERY. SINGLE. THING. I have to say. My brother, who's constantly telling me that I'm doing a good job. Even when I know I could do better. My best friend who deals with her own shit on the west coast but still finds time to send me a message about how much she loves me. My other best friend who has a hard time showing people that he cares but when I really need him, shows up. I mean, I have a really, really great group of family, y’all. And I can't thank them enough for all that they do for me. For my daughter. For us.

Yesterday morning, I got some news about a friend of mine that made me want to cry. It also made me really mad at the same time. I had no idea which one to do first. This entire weekend I had this bad feeling in my stomach. Knots. Their name kept popping up in conversation, but when I would reach out I wasn’t getting a response. This isn’t unusual so I just dismissed it. But yesterday morning I was informed about what had happened the week before and my mind went to all of the worst-case scenarios almost immediately. I felt my stomach drop, and there was this mix of fear and panic racing through my thoughts. Like I had just come really close to having someone snatched away. Losing them in a permanent way. And I wasn’t ready. I hadn’t given my permission so it wasn’t allowed, didn’t they know that?! As if I'd ever have a say in that. But then I talked myself down. As I was given more information about the situation I kept reminding myself that they were still here. They hadn’t gone anywhere. Instead, I told myself to be grateful. To be a good friend. "Everything is okay. They're okay." I was finally able to get in contact with them and made arrangements to pay a visit that evening. And when I finally walked through their door I felt the tension I had been holding all day finally leave. They were, in fact, okay; safe. When my mind finally calmed down I unapologetically told them how reckless their actions had been. How they affected me and everyone else that cared about them. Because they needed to hear it. I explained how I was so damn grateful that they were sitting right there beside me and that I could hug them. "We have so many more years to go! Don't you dare put that at risk.", I kept expressing. Over and over. Finally, as I left for the night all I could do was pray with everything that I had, that this would be a lesson learned. That this would be a wake up call. I don't  ever want there to be a "next time". Because...we still have so many more years to go.

And this seems like a good stopping point for now. Today was such a long day that started out with one major headache. And all I can think about is sleeping. Anyway, I hope this didn’t give you too much whiplash. Until the next post! Be safe. 

Wordless Wednesday

Writing Prompt // Lesson

Write about someone that's taught you something recently.

Let your friends be a part of your team right now. Let them cook for you, bring you food, take you to movies, invite you over on Friday nights to watch Netflix, provide you a shoulder to cry on, hug you, and love you. - Traver Boehm, Today I Rise

I have someone in my life who unexpectedly became a pretty good friend of mine. There’s this sense of calmness when he’s around that I rarely get with other people which is nice. We’re pretty comfortable in each other’s company. He’s seen me on some of my worst day, y’all. I never feel like like I have to have all of my shit together when we hang out either. What I really enjoy about our friendship though is that we can spend our time hanging out and having a conversation, or we can spend it in complete silence. And I don’t feel this need to fill that silence up with anything at all. People have recently pointed out that some of this can easily be seen as very “couple like” things and I’d be lying if I said that I hadn’t thought the same thing a few times myself. But that’s not exactly the word I would choose to describe us. Our friendship just doesn’t fit into a neat little box no matter how hard I've tried to put it into one in the past. And believe me I really, really tried. There was even a small window of time when I told myself that I needed to end our friendship because he threw me WAY off balance, and I didn’t need that in my life. 

But you know what? I don’t think there’s ever going to be a way for me to backtrack my way out of this. Or that I’d even want to if I could. Because we aren’t a couple and we aren’t dating, but we’re there for each other. He’s sat next to me, patiently listening, as I talked about my fear of being alone and how heartbroken I felt at how easily B was able to replace me in his life. He’s seen me ugly cry, heard me say some not-so-nice things out loud, and doesn’t hold it against me. “It’s shitty. I get it.” He’s even sat through four back-to-back Hallmark movies and actually discussed them with me. Yes, I know that makes him a real trooper. And even when he thinks that I’m being ridiculous for asking him to “pinky promise” when he says he’ll do something he still offers up his pinky because he knows that it’s weirdly important to me. Gotta love those trust issues, right? He brings me chocolate on those really, really, low days. And surprisingly, for two people who tend to look like they’re pissed off all of the time, there’s a lot of smiling and laughter. Sure, sometimes it's over some really morbid shit but most of the time it's over some normal fun stuff. Now, I do my best to reciprocate what’s being given to me. When he needs to talk things out I listen. When he asks for my advice I do my best to give it. When he needs to get away from the noise in his head my door is always open. I recently sat through the John Wick movie and quizzed him every few minutes on it. If you’ve seen it, you know about the dog scene, and if you know me at all then you know this makes ME a trooper too. When he starts to get discouraged I make him revisit his goals and plans for the future. Letting him know that he's doing a really great job. When he calls in the middle of the night asking if he can crash on the couch for whatever reason he has I set out a blanket and pillow. "Just make sure to lock the door when you get in, okay?" And when I think back to how or when we met I honestly can't remember, which is pretty unusual for me. But it just feels like he's always been right here.

So, I don’t see our relationship as something romantic or platonic. There's just me and him. It’s almost like he was placed in my life to remind me that there are people out there who can care about you without having ulterior motives. People who won't lie or hurt you. He's reminded me that there are still people out there who won’t expect or demand that I give anything more or less than what I'm willing to offer. There’s no pressure to be something more or less than what I am, and that in turn gives me this freedom to be unapologetically myself. And that's why I really like having him in my life. Because sometimes you just need that one person who gets that you're a little messed up, that you're seriously hurting, and they don't allow it to phase them at all. They still show up. They're here to teach us that no matter how shitty we see ourselves sometimes, we're still worth someone's time and attention. 

“Hey! Take a selfie with me.” No.  ///  “C’mon! Pretty please??” No.  ///  “Ugh! Quit being so damn difficult. Just smile so I can take the picture.” You know, you’re kind of a brat.  ///  “Yes. Yes, I am. Now, say cheese!”

Making An Unlikely Semi-Friend

A while back I was talking to my sister-in-law about how alone I had been feeling lately. And I don’t mean this in the sense of not having a partner anymore either. Well, it’s not just about that. I’m talking more along the lines of having someone you can talk to about the recent book you read or show you've watched. Someone that helps you out when you need it. Someone who’s totally okay with 3 AM text messages when you can’t sleep. Someone who’s willing to sit there and listen to you as you work out your problems out loud. Not so much to give their opinion, but instead just to be there so that you know someone hears you. And maybe, sometimes, when you get a little emotional over your recent divorce they’re there to say, “Fuck them for hurting you.” So basically, a friend in every sense of the word. Because sometimes that’s all you need. It’s not about having a romantic relationship or trying to hook up with someone either. Now even though I have a handful of really great friends, the closest one has always been an hour and a half away. And the way I feel about making new friends is exactly the same as how some people feel when it comes to where they should place their hands while posing for pictures. It’s awkward, and I just don’t know what to do. But imagine the laugh I let out when my sister-in-law suggested that I should think about striking up a friendship with that one dude who’s already in my life part-time (ish).  

First, I’d like to just point out that other than my brother and sister-in-law, Dude and I have very little in common. I’m older, with a lot of responsibilities, and usually preoccupied with my daughter. His only responsibilities are keeping his dog alive and showing up to work on time. I enjoy watching all kinds of movies and shows. He’s not a fan of TV, and proudly states that he lives under a rock when it comes to not knowing about anything current. I decided a while back that I didn’t really want to consume alcohol anymore, and it’s rare for me to have a drink. In his case, it would be rare to see him without an alcoholic drink. And in the times that we’ve all hung out together he and I never really talk to each other. It’s always been us taking part in group conversations. So, in my eyes, he’s their friend; not mine. I laughed off her suggestion and thought she was ridiculous for even bringing it up. But then, fast forward a week later and I’m basically desperate to talk to anyone. I’m feeling really anxious, I’ve been tossing and turning for hours, and it’s a little after 1AM. I started scrolling through my contacts wondering who else could possibly be up at 1AM on a weekday. And that’s when the realization hit that the only person I knew, who would be up that late, was Dude. Before I continue I'd like to take this time to just say that I'm really proud of myself for holding out for a good forty minutes that morning. However, when I saw the clock read 2AM, desperation won out. I quickly typed up a text and closed my eyes as I hit the send button. As soon as I heard the little “ting” signaling his response I immediately regretted my decision. “Oh, fuck. Here we go,” I thought as I let out a sigh before raising the phone up to see his response.

Now, let me just give you a brief history on Dude and I. We’ve never really gotten along. There’s usually name calling, and threats of inflicting bodily harm involved. I’ve even gone as far as to throw physical objects at him. Trust me, with his mouth, you wouldn’t be above that either. He’s probably one of the last people I could have ever seen myself being real friends with if I’m being honest. We’d kill each other. But you know what? Color me fucking surprised. Because now, Dude is my semi-friend (he’s begrudgingly accepting this label). That night, when I picked up my phone, Dude was actually nice and sympathetic towards what I was going through. He even went as far as playing 21 questions with me until I fell asleep. Then one afternoon he came over and watched "Peaky Blinders" with me while I waited for Emery to come back home. I mean, we spent the entire time arguing over the episodes and the character’s actions. There may or may not have been a shoe thrown. But the time flew by and before I knew it Emery was back. That same evening is when he mentioned that he prefers to read books over watching TV. So we agreed to read each other’s favorite books and then later plan on getting together to discuss them. When I handed over “It Ends With Us” by Colleen Hoover he looked at me in confusion as he said, “This is...umm...REALLY pink.” I smiled smugly as he shook his head and walked to his truck. As of this posting, he’s made it through the first chapter safely. Then a few days ago, when he stopped by to drop off his book, it was his turn to smile smugly. Because of course, his favorite book is written entirely in Spanish. Challenge accepted. And finally, when I needed help with my flower beds he came over and accepted Taco Bell as payment for his gardening services. So, it's been nice having these challenges that we dish out to help keep me preoccupied.  

Overall, it’s been interesting getting to know him a bit better. Obviously, we’re really different, with different upbringings, and in completely different seasons in life. And yet, there’s still a lot that we can agree on. Thankfully, our dynamic has remained the same which I'm really happy about. At first, I thought it would be awkward for some reason? But the only real change is that we can actually get along now. You better believe I'm still gonna throw something at him when he says some stupid shit though. So, I guess, I should give credit where credit is due, right? And since I know he’ll never read this I’m gonna go ahead with expressing my thanks.

So, thanks, Ramon. Thanks for taking pity on this “old lady”. Still not 35 though. Thanks for answering my random ass questions at 2 AM. And the second round at 3 AM. Thanks for showing me the correct way to plant my plants. For not laughing too loudly when I jumped at the twig I thought was a snake. Thanks for allowing me to bounce ideas off of you, no matter how crazy they may be. Your facial expressions sometimes say otherwise but at least you don't verbalize those thoughts. Thanks for allowing me to lean on you after a really rough day. I know how much you hate being touched so you were a real trooper that afternoon. But most importantly, thanks for allowing me to call you my “semi-friend”. Though I’m sure by the end of the year we’ll be BFF’s and braiding each other’s hair. Anyway, life has been a little rocky for me lately, and you’ve been kind enough to help me stay busy. To not feel so alone in this tiny little town. So, thank you. Again. It’s really and truly appreciated. 

My Eye-Opening Experience When Deactivating Facebook

As some of you may, or may not know, I’m Catholic. March 6th was the beginning of Lent for us, and it had honestly been a while since I’d participated in giving anything up for it. I know, I know. So, this year as I sat in the pew for Ash Wednesday mass I decided that I would go through with deactivating Facebook. This would be the thing I would give up. Though I hardly ever post or share things on that platform I still use it as a way to kill time. A distraction. And it would just send me into this rabbit hole of pictures, and articles. Of drama and hate. Everyone having this need to express their opinions about every little thing, and just having to stick their noses in everyone else’s business. I found that I missed the old days of Facebook when you had very few options to select for how you were feeling and were limited on what you could share. And just like the majority of all the other social media outlets out there, Facebook had become downright toxic. So, I downloaded my data and went through with the deactivation. It felt oddly terrifying and yet extremely freeing at the same time. However, what I didn’t expect out of this particular move was realizing just how much Facebook had given me this false notion that I had several friendships/relationships in my life. 

Facebook as a whole, I haven’t really missed if I’m being honest. I still use other social media platforms like Twitter, Tumblr, and Instagram so maybe that’s why? Though these are limited in time, and not used daily I still have an “outlet”. The reason why I don’t feel like these others are at the same level as Facebook is because of how seldom I actually use them. Twitter is how I keep up to date on TV shows, movies, books, and some of my favorite bands or celebrities. I follow some organizations or causes that are dear to my heart too. My blog automatically posts to my timeline, but I honestly don’t get much out of Twitter. Tumblr is where I reblog/share quotes, pictures, and GIFs. I don’t interact with others on it, and my desire to spend time on the app comes and goes in waves. For real, it sat without any use for over a year once. So, I don’t use this particular platform very often. Instagram is probably the runner up behind Facebook. It’s actually an app that I’ve considered deleting because of how crappy it can make you feel about your life. Instead, I went through my “following” list and deleted over a hundred people. And that was just the first round of deletions. However, even now as I type this out I know that I’m just making excuses. Baby steps, y’all. But my Facebook use was a daily thing. Sure I may not have posted much, and I may not have interacted with others that often. But I was constantly opening and scrolling through it. Anytime I was bored --> Facebook. Anytime I heard an ambulance, fire truck, or police sirens --> Facebook. Anytime I or someone else wanted to find out about another person --> Facebook. And then there was the stuff that I didn’t want to know about still splashed all over my feed. By the time I ended my day I just felt annoyed by it all. So, why was I still using it? I told myself it was because of family and friends. It’s how I “kept in touch” with the people in my life. But really, that was a load of bullshit. I could just as easily get their numbers and keep in contact via phone calls or texts. 

After a few days without Facebook, I noticed that I felt bored a lot. I’d end up logging into one of the other apps and using them to distract myself. I’d quickly scroll through the feeds before telling myself I needed to do something more productive. After five days without Facebook, it dawned on me that not one single person had tried to contact me. By day seven I started thinking about how many of my “friends” I actually thought and wondered about. And to be honest, there wasn’t a whole lot. That’s when it really hit me just how little I actually interacted with others, face to face. How I felt like I had so many friends based on comments left when I would post on my timeline, the likes on my pictures, or the messages I would get. The friend count number displayed on my profile. In my real, day -to- day life I see maybe two or three people off of my friends' list. Not including my parents. And even those aren’t consistent unless you count coworkers. So, all of this got me thinking about my lack of true, meaningful, relationships. I don’t have a core group of friends close by. I do have a group spread all across the country though. I’ve tried getting to know other moms at birthday parties or school activities, but it never goes beyond that. There’s no one I can call up and say, “Hey, let's do lunch!” or “Let’s grab dinner.” I even went through my phone contacts list which verified all of this. Now, as I’ve gotten older I know that I tend to dislike being around a lot of people for long periods of time. My idea of a good time usually consists of yoga pants, a hoodie, and watching a favorite show. I’ve grown so accustomed to going home and having someone there that I truly believed was the only person I needed in my life that I didn’t really bother making an effort to get to know other people. And at my age, in such a small town, all of the “circles” out there have already been established. Tribes are full and busy. It becomes harder to find like-minded people that are in the same phase in life as you are who are willing to make time for someone new.

So, what exactly am I trying to say, you ask? Find your people, y’all. Nourish those relationships. Join that book club. Say yes to a girl’s night. Check on your friends if it’s been awhile. Put your phone down and listen. Volunteer to watch a friend’s kid(s) so that they can have some alone time with their partner. Try that fitness class you’ve been curious about. Schedule those lunch plans. Be open to including others in your circle and extend invitations. Because as awesome as it is to have a partner that’s your best friend in life it’s also good to have friendships outside of that. Otherwise, you end up like me: getting a whole weekend to yourself, never once changing out of your PJ’s, and counting down the minutes until your child gets back home just so you have someone to talk to. Yes, let my current situation serve as a cautionary tale for you. I think for the most part I handle being on my own pretty well. Though there are times when I wish I had someone I could call up even if it was just to have a simple conversation, or to go for a walk around the neighborhood. Maybe even a running buddy? And then there are some days when being alone can make me feel really lonely. During those days I feel like my anxiety gets the better of me and it takes me a lot longer to push past my depression. I eventually get there and start to feel better. But I think it would help if I had a few good friends here that I could lean on from time to time. Not knocking my BFF's either, I know they'd be here if they could. So, I guess what I'm trying to say is don’t shut people out so quickly, okay? And if you ever feel like re-evaluating some of your relationships/friendships just deactivate your Facebook for a while. Shit gets really real, really fast. 

📷: Google image search

A Mini Hiking Trip with the Girls

This school year I started implementing a reward system for Emery when it comes to her grades. The first six weeks she made the A-Honor Roll so she chose the option that involved a sleepover with two friends followed by breakfast at a place of her choosing. There’s never really any pressure because, for the most part, I let her know that I just want her to try her best. That’s what’s important to me. However, our little system has given her a bit of an incentive to ask for help when she’s struggling with a certain subject or problem. Because she really wants to earn that prize at the end. So, at the beginning of each six weeks, she and I come up with two new reward options which give her a goal to work towards. At the end of the six weeks, when I get her report card, there are two rewards she can pick from to “cash-in” based on those grades.

For the second six weeks, she made the A-B Honor Roll. She came really close to all A’s with one 89. So, her choices were to either go see a movie or go hiking with two friends. And well, my daughter loves the outdoors. So, we headed out to a local state park. Thankfully, we had some pretty amazing weather. The girls had a blast hiking some familiar trails and crossing the river barefoot. Multiple times. They spent the afternoon talking about the fish, and what it must have been like for people years ago that lived in those areas. They laughed and talked about school. What subjects they liked, and what they didn't. As they sat on a rock Emery said, "You know, we all have friends at our schools. But I hope we stay each other's best friends forever." There were a few instances when they all walked ahead and asked Emery how she was feeling about her dad. And of course, she looked back in hesitation but I nodded letting her know it was okay to tell them. They spoke about it briefly before heading over to more rocks. Hugs all around. And just seeing that made me happy. It's nice to know that these girls all care about each other. That Emery has two friends that listen to her when she's sad or happy. That they get to come along on our adventures and share stories. But most importantly, I'm grateful that Emery has all of this. That she has an abundance of family and friends who love her. 

As we left for the day I thought that this should happen more often for her. I want her to continue to enjoy exploring the outdoors. I want to give her and her friends the opportunity to go outside, share secrets, and spend time with one another. As often as possible. So, it looks like this may turn into a tradition. Grades or not, I want to give her as many more of these moments as I can. 

The Calm Before Thanksgiving

I had told my daughter, weeks before this past Thanksgiving, that I would take time off in order to take her hiking again during her holiday break. As luck would have it I was able to get the Monday before Thanksgiving off which gave me a nice three day weekend. I had planned to take her out for two days so we could explore the closest state park a bit more than we had during previous visits. Only, that Friday is when everything happened, and our weekend was thrown into a bit of chaos. 

However we were able to salvage some of the plans. We were able to invite two of my daughters friends along for a day trip. That Monday, my friend dropped off her daughters early in the morning, and we headed off to explore. We didn't focus on what was going on in our life at the time. Instead they all ran around, and climbed through trees. They played in the water, and were able to see dinosaur footprints. As we hiked the trails they talked about the flowers, the fish, and the animals. They giggled over chips, brownies, and water. I heard them talking about school, and how much fun they were having on break. After a few hours we made it up to the "peak", and sat at the edge over looking the whole park. They talked about how little everything seemed, and how big the trees were. They talked about how cool it would have been to see dinosaurs in real life. When we finally headed back down to our car it was well after 2 pm, and all they could talk about was food. We had a late lunch at Burger King per their requests. Read demands. And once our bellies were full we started the drive back home. They made it about thirty minutes before they all fell asleep in the back seat. Content. 

And do you know what was so amazing? That even though my daughter, and I were going through something that was unpleasant we were able to have a good time. My daughter laughed, and smiled. She enjoyed skipping up a hill, hand-in-hand, with her two best friends. They were all so happy just being little kids. Running around outdoors. There was still so much more for them to explore they explained. It was a wonderful day for all three of them. They still talk about it, months later, and ask me if I'll take them again soon. Overall, it was a wonderful day. One that I look back on, and see the silver lining of what we went through. I can still hear the giggles, and the splashes. And I remember the big hug that I received from my little as she proclaimed "Mom, you're the best! Thank you for letting the girls come spend the day with us!" It made me feel happy. It made me feel like no matter what happened next everything was going to be okay. There was a moment on that drive home when I looked at all three of them sleeping,  leaning on each other, and I knew that my daughter and I were going to be okay. That we would be able to get through this because we had so many good people in our lives. And that day was exactly what I needed to feel some peace. To feel some calm that I wasn't quite sure I needed until that very moment. 

Full Circle Moment

Have you ever had a moment that just seemed like one happy coincidence? Or maybe you did something with friends years ago, and then got together to do it all over again? A moment that just seems "fitting"? Well, I had one of those moments recently. You see, the first time I ever saw the band HIM perform was back in high-school. My mother, who deserves a shout out for being so cool, drove my brother and I over two hours away to go see them. I remember feeling so excited that when we arrived, I was adamant about finding a spot as close to the front of the stage as we could get. My mother on the other hand insisted on sitting next to one of the security guards towards the back because he had extra chairs. Now imagine being about 5’ 2” (on a good day), and trying to muscle your way to the front of a crowd. But this wasn’t your every day crowd either. This was a venue that was quickly filling up with people in normal clothes as well as those dressed in elaborate gothic fashions. And of course, with my luck, an older woman wearing a top hat decides she’s going to stand right in front of me. Not in front of my brother who was just there because I asked him to come. Not in front of the two guys standing on the other side of me who were clearly taller. But right in front of the short teenager who was already having a hard time seeing the stage.

As the show started I started jumping up, and down. Swaying from one side to the other in the opposite direction as the lady in front of me. I even switched spots with my brother, and then switched back because it put me farther away from the band and I was not about to have that. After bumping into this lady for what seemed like the hundredth time while trying to get some pictures I noticed that there was a kid standing next to me who was a lot taller than me, and had a clear view of the singer. So, I nudged him with my elbow, and asked if he could take a few pictures for me. He nodded in agreement so I handed him my camera, and he started clicking away. Throughout the show we exchanged some words, and he took some video for me. Then he asked if I wanted to stand in front of him since I was having a hard time seeing. Afterwards we exchanged some contact information, talked briefly out in the parking lot, and a few days later he was added to my messenger list. And we’ve kept in touch ever since. He was actually the first person to let me know that one of our favorite bands was calling it quits. When I decided to put in some overtime in order to buy my ticket I asked if he was planning on attending any of the shows. He said he would be coming to the Dallas show just like he had before. We discussed meeting up either before or after the show, but left it at that.

Of course, once the day came, it was just one set back after another for me. After I made it inside I sent a message letting him know that I’d catch up with them afterwards. I grabbed my beer, and started making my way off to the side. Then, a group of people shifted backwards so I took that opportunity to move forward. Unfortunately, just like at the first show, I again found myself stuck behind two tall people. As I looked around them I noticed that there was a girl standing in front, and directly to the side of her was a nice open spot. I tapped her on the shoulder and asked if I could stand in that area. She nodded, and leaned in saying “Sure, go ahead!” And you guys, it was such a sweet spot! I had a clear view of the whole band so I started taking a few pictures, and I remember thinking to myself that this night was already so spectacular when I heard my name being called out. At first I thought I had misheard what was being said, but as I looked over there was my friend standing one person over.

You guys! It was such a cool moment! From earlier conversations I thought they were at the very front. So, I was so not expecting to see them until afterwards. It was such a surreal, crazy, full circle moment! He said “C’mon, bring it in!” and gave me a hug. We talked for a few moments, and then he asked if I wanted him to take some pictures. So, I fully took advantage of the fact that he’s still a good 4-5 inches taller than me. When a couple of people, who were really drunk kept pushing into me he asked if I wanted to stand in front of them instead. And again, I wasn’t going to say no. Afterwards I was introduced to his girlfriend, and we were able to catch up for a bit before going our separate ways. They had a long drive home, and since they are all in the military they had to be up early for PT the next day. So overall, it was a pretty incredible night. I said goodbye to my favorite band alongside someone I met at that very first show. In the same city as before. And it was awesome! ✨

Complaining Won't Fix-it

Last night, I came home and for once I didn’t have homework. I let out a huge sigh, and just as I was about to sit down, my friend Kamille called. Clearly she knew I was in distress. And that my friends, was pretty much the only positive thing to happen all day.

After cramming all weekend for my government exam, I bombed it. Hard. Then, after my class I checked my average for algebra and it has not come up. I’m barely sliding by with an 82. Then, my husband informed me that he has TWO tickets to pay off in two weeks, not 30 days like we thought. He was pulled over on Sunday and the officer told him that his “occupational” permit was not valid to him but at the same time it was legal? So he gave him a ticket anyway. And after talking to our lawyer, it turns out that the state of Texas is taking its precious time in sending us a valid one. Apparently, they don’t have to be in any kind of hurry. I also found out that I have to wait 90 DAYS before Emery can be accepted on CHIPS. Why is that a problem? Because she needs a check up, and a dentist visit like yesterday. Without CHIPS I can’t afford to take her to either. To top it all off my inspection and tags are out on my car, my flasher is officially out, and now the check engine light has decided to turn on.

Now, I know these are very small, mostly insignificant, things. And I should probably be really ashamed of myself for even bringing any of these up. But, they are my current problems. Flunking a class, means spending the money to retake it. Which, in turn pushes back my graduation date. Having two tickets to pay off, and having to get everything taken care of for my car is a big deal when half of the time there’s no money left over from my pay checks. My husband not having a “valid occupational”, is costing him a job/jobs that we could really use right about now. And even though we currently have private insurance through BlueCross, it doesn't cover dental and my co-pays are insane. Insane. The worst part about the whole thing, is not being able to do a damn thing about any of it. My complaining isn't going to hurry the process or make things go away. It won’t convince my teachers to change their teaching methods to benefit me. And it sure as hell isn't going to increase my income.

But yesterday, when I got that call from Kamille, she happily listened while I complained. I was able to say what I needed to say. Did my problems go away? Nope. Did Kamille give a bit of her “tough love”? Of course. Did I feel better after getting things off my chest? Absolutely. So now, I’m faced with dealing with these issues. One at a time though. Having everything happen all at once really threw me for a loop. Unfortunately, I let it get to me. Stress eating was at an all time high yesterday. If you saw my instagram you'd know I had McDonald's. Twice. But today is a new day! And I promise to be more positive (aka less complaining) for at least the rest of this week.  =P

Happy Birthday Miss Kamille

Happy Birthday to my bestie!! **Happy Dance** My lovely Miss Kamille turns 24 today, but doesn’t look a day over 18. As exciting as that is I’m so sad that I’m not there to celebrate with her. Still, today is her day and I hope it’s a wonderful one! This is for you:

Dear Kami,

The reason for this letter is so I could say that I LOVE YOU. When Sarah told me that we were going to hang out with some friends that sat in her booth at Pizza Hut all those years ago, never did I imagine the impact you would have on my life. It was pretty life changing and I am so glad that it happened. You became one of the most important people in my life. And I can’t say that about many people these days. From that moment on you became my best friend. I can't imagine not having you in my life. 

Kami, you taught me that it’s okay to need Starbucks, twice three times a day. You taught me that sometimes make-up was just not necessary. BUT always make sure eyebrows were done. You taught me that it was perfectly okay to watch cartoons all day. That sometimes, doing nothing was the best thing you could ever do. And that it was okay to stay in my PJ’s all day. You even taught me that it was okay to cry for no particular reason. Sometimes you just need to get shit out, and crying is the only way to do it. You also made the most boring everyday trips pretty damn entertaining. Admit it, we had some pretty magical trips to Taco Bell! LOL! Except that one time you tried to drop me off at Wal-Mart. Yea, hooker, I still remember that. But it’s okay, I forgive you. I was the dumbass that started getting out of the car anyway. Ha! You also taught me that I am worth more. That I deserve the best. You taught me that no matter what life throws at me, I can come out of it with my head up. So thank you, for all of those wonderful things.

Now, on to the things I admire about you. One is your lack of “brain to mouth” filter. We are really alike in that department. Always speaking our minds. I instantly knew that I could talk to you about anything! I never worried about offending you because more than likely you were thinking the same thing. I also admired your inability to put up with bullshit. You never hesitated in cutting negative people from your life and that’s something I’m glad you taught me how to do. But most importantly, I admire your strength. You haven’t had the easiest life. But you never complain. You always find some way to make things better. To be positive of what you go through. I know sometimes you wanted to breakdown and scream. I remember a few phone calls made at 3 am. But no matter what, you’ve always managed to pull yourself together, and do what you have to for your family. You are one hell of a woman.

This is probably the longest we’ve gone without living within driving distance since we met. And there isn’t a day that goes by that I don’t miss you. Truly. You’re opinions, and your words are always missed. I know we've talked about how hard it is for us to make friends because of how we are, but if I’m going to be honest I haven’t met anyone that lives up to you. I’m constantly comparing other people to you. Just ask Beau. You left behind some pretty big shoes for people to fill, and no one has even come close to filling them. I can only hope that I've at least been half the friend to you, that you’ve been to me. And today, I’m really sorry that my ass is stuck here in Texas instead of there in California. You are my best friend, and I’m sorry that I couldn't be there for you on your day. Still, I hope it was wonderful. I hope you were able to do something for you. No one deserves it more than you!  Happy Birthday! 

Lots of Love,
Raquel

p.s. If things don’t work out for us with our significant others,

let’s just become lesbians and get married?? ;-)

Quiet, Lazy, & Changes

Our weekend was eventful and a bit boring. We didn’t go anywhere, which was surprising. But like I said before, we’ve had to really strap down on our budget. We had two storms, mixed with +100 degree heat. Emery’s swing set was ruined. One of our windows was knocked in. Thankfully, it was a plexi replacement window so it didn’t shatter and we were able to put it back up. We woke up this morning to fallen branches, and several chemical barrels strewn across the lawn. Thankfully, our roof didn’t get blown off. Other than that, everything was pretty quiet.

On Friday, my parents presented us with an opportunity. I can’t really go into the details because nothing is set in stone. It’s something that my father really wants to do but my mother is still a bit hesitant about, so they’re still talking it over. But, apparently, they’re really considering this, otherwise it would not have been brought up. I’m not going to lie, I’m a bit jealous. But at the same time I personally have a few mixed feelings about this. It would be such a change, and one that I’m sure would take me a bit to get used to. I’m hoping to know more by the end of this week though. I’ll keep y’all posted!

My father also informed us on Friday that his company is about to have a huge layoff. They do this every year around evaluations to get rid of the “lazy workers” or the ones that don’t want to convert to full-time. This means that my husband will now have to wait another month before they can even consider him for another position there. Because of this, my husband has started to look into other jobs. Unfortunately, no one is currently hiring. In the meantime we’ve already applied, been accepted, and sent off for his occupational license. He’ll have it for three months before he’ll be eligible for a REAL license in November. As thrilled as we are, we’d only applied for it because we were hoping he’d be able to get a job soon. Now, that he probably won’t even get an interview until November it seems like a waste of money. Thanks, Texas.

On Saturday Emery and I went to lunch with an old friend of mine, Melissa. She had come up from San Marcos to see family so we were able to meet up. It’s been forever since I’ve seen this girl, so I’m glad we got to catch up. We attended the same school since kindergarten, but we didn’t actually start “hanging out” till 3rd grade. We discovered that we both loved basketball, and we were pretty inseparable after that. Once I became homeschooled we still hung out and had fun. We wreaked a lot of havoc back in the day. But as we all know, things change as you grow up. We’ve been on different paths, but still find time now and again to catch up. She’ll be graduating this winter, and hopes to move to San Antonio soon after that. Once that happens, I’m sure that we’ll be resorting to Facebook and Skype when it comes to keeping in contact. That’s perfectly, okay though. I’m really really proud of the woman she’s become. And I wish her nothing but the best this world has to offer.

Sunday was hot and lazy. The storm rolled in around 8 pm, so we suffered all day. We had some relatives come over, and we napped a lot. Now it’s Monday and it’s back to work we go. This new week brings me that much closer to the 27th. As excited as I am to get things underway I'm feeling a bit nervous about school, and I’m not really sure why. Everything feels like it's on a countdown for some reason? I guess I’m more worried about how this semester will effect my time with Emery and how she’s going to take it. I’m worried about the cut in hours I’m about to get because of school. And I'm really trying to figure out how we're going to get by. It seems like there’s so much change in the works, and it’s all going to happen around the same time. All I can do is pray that I can handle it all gracefully and come out on top. :)

Hope you’re all having a great Monday! Only four more days still the weekend! We can do it!

Another Friend Gets Married

Last Friday was our friend Annemarie’s wedding. She and her fiancé just graduated from Dordt this past May. She’s been living up there for the past three years and only came down for the summers, but since most of her family lives here in Texas they decided to have their wedding here. I’m really glad that they did too, otherwise we wouldn’t have been able to afford to fly up to Iowa for it.

Kim, my mother, and I all went dress and shoe shopping that afternoon before the wedding. I was able to get some pretty heels on clearance, but regretted it after arriving at the location to find out it was an outdoor wedding. Just my luck. It was such a beautiful wedding though! Those two kids were seriously meant for each other, and they were so happy. You couldn’t help but smile when you saw how cute they were to each other. I’m seriously so happy for them! My cousin was the photographer so I didn't take my camera. Now, I'm just waiting for a flash drive full of pictures that my mother was suppose to get for me. Until then, here's one of the pictures Annemarie posted.

Registered & An Award!

Aggh. Okay, I caved. I finally registered my little blog at Top Mommy Blogs. I’ve been writing on this blog for almost three years now. Before that I had another blog, and currently I have a “family only” blog hosted over at wordpress. So yea, I’ve been doing this for awhile. I figured it was time to put myself out there. If you like what you see, please feel free to vote for us using the banner below (or on the sidebar). Thank you!

I love to stalk some good blogs out there. Seriously, it’s an addiction. One of these blogs is by Destiny over at Rockin’ Mama! Seriously, I’m kind of in love with her sailor mouth. This lovely lady holds nothing back, and that’s what I love about her blog. You can always tell how she’s feeling, or relate to what she’s going through just by reading her posts. And she makes no apologies. Which I love even more.

So today, imagine the lovely surprise I get, when she posts about a blog award she received and is now dishing back out. If there’s one thing I love more than stalking some of the loveliest ladies out there, it’s discovering new ones to read about. You want to know what made this surprise even better?? This crazy bitch gave ME an award!! Ha! I’m totally “fangirl-ing” right now. You don’t even know! LOL!

When I fist saw this, the first thought  that popped in my head was “lesbian crush”! Why? I have no idea. I’m weird. But it turns out it actually means - beloved, dearest, and/or favorite! So, I’m just going to go ahead and interpret this as her having a bit of a crush on me. For my own vanity. LOL! As you can tell, I’m pretty ecstatic about this! I can only hope that I rock this as hard as she does.

Now, since I'm pretty picky about the ladies I love on, I'm just going to send it on to: 

Erica over @ 

p.s. Thanks again to Destiny for

popping my award cherry. :) 

Thank You, Skype

As you all know, I miss California. I talk about it a lot, and one day I hope we get to move back. But for now, we are here. I’m not sure what the future hold for us, but no matter what California will always be a place we choose to visit because of all the family and friends there. It will always be a part of our lives and that itself makes me pretty happy.

But the one person that I left behind, and miss every day, is my best friend Kami. We’ve known each other for eight years, and we’ve both been through a lot together. We’ve traveled together, lived on each others couches, and moved together. More than once in some cases. Words can not describe the love I have for this girl. Seriously. And I mean that in the best friend sense, not the lesbian sense. She’s the only person that doesn’t give a f**k about what people think just as much as I do. I’m pretty sure that our friendship sprouted from how compatible our “No Bullshit Tolerance Meters” were. We’re a lot a like, very different, and yet we work. God, I sound like we're in a relationship, huh? LOL! But seriously, Kami is someone who is really important to me.

She has always been my “tough love” friend as well as my voice of reason. She cares enough to tell me things straight up. No sugar coating. And I do the same for her. Because sometimes we need to hear it. And we are always very open and honest. This is probably why I don’t ever try to hide my bluntness. I have someone in my life (other than my husband, but he doesn’t count) that appreciates my frankness. We can talk about anything and everything under the sun, and not ever feel embarrassed , ashamed, or like we shouldn’t talk about it. Our friendship is pretty awesome. So, maybe you can see why I miss having her in my daily life?

But now, thanks to Skype, I get to talk to her and see her at the same time! She recently got her computer and DSL hooked up. She sent me a message letting me know she had downloaded Skype and viola! Saturday night we had ourselves our first Skype date. You guys have no idea how much I had been missing our talks. We talked for 3 hours. We were able to catch up, talk about FEELINGS, our kids, and have some very adult conversations. It was fantastic, and very much needed on both ends.

We’ve made plans to do this at least once a week if possible. She’s got her hands full with 6 kids (two of which are her step kids), and my schedule is always busy. With me taking on an extra course this fall, I can only imagine it’s about to get busier. So we’ll make time as we go. I still miss getting to actually hug her and just walking/driving over to her house when I needed to vent (or sit in silence). But thanks to Skype, I’m at least getting a part of that back. And for that, I’m always going to be grateful.

Halen David Is Here & Some More News!

Wednesday morning we woke up to a text from my friend (that had been sent at 2 am) letting us know that his fiancé had been induced. It was officially baby time! I let him know that we would stop by after I was off work, and hopefully Halen would already have arrived by then. Sure enough, I received a picture message letting me know just that around noon. You guys, he was absolutely adorable! Tiny little peach fuzz for hair, and some seriously “pinch-able” cheeks. Just looking at him made me want to go get myself pregnant.

Halen David McKamey 

 6 lbs. 13 oz. 

19” long 

He looks so much like his daddy! And thankfully, once we were at the hospital that afternoon I was able to get my baby fix. He’s even more precious in person. Such tiny little hands and feet. Look at that face!! Omg, my ovaries.

I am so excited for them! Brett is going to be an awesome dad too. Just sitting there with him in that room, and I could already see such a change in him. So attentive, and so in love. I've known him for years, and even just a few weeks ago, he was telling me "how it was going to be". All that went right out the window. LOL! That little guy has his daddy so wrapped.

When I was holding Halen I had such a rush of nostalgia. And I was a little bit sad for myself because I barely remember Emery being that small. You never forget, and you can always recall those memories. But, I no longer see her as that tiny little baby. She's a full fledged TODDLER. And holding Halen brought back all of those memories. I ending up telling my husband “We are so having another one. I want another one!” Everything felt all magical, and the idea of a new baby was just so awesome! I was sitting there with Halen and I totally pictured myself with another baby. Maybe not right then but even if I got pregnant while still in school I felt like we could handle it. Yeeaaa, then Emery started getting jealous, whining, running around, and trying to crawl up onto my lap like a wild child while I was holding him. Totally nipped that train of the thought real quick! I crashed back to reality and seriously debated getting my head checked for thinking such crazy thoughts. LOL! But seriously, I miss those “infant” months. I miss the tiny little socks, onesies, and baby breath. I miss those tiny stretches Emery used to do, and her tiny little yawns. She slept so much too. It was so peaceful! *sigh* Once we left the hospital my "baby fever” had curbed. Now if only Nate or Dane would get their wives pregnant, I’ll be set for the next few years. LOL! At least until (and if) we're ready to have another one.

And now on to some more good news. Right before we left for the hospital, my husband got the call from FMC about a job interview! It’s not exactly the position we were hoping for, and the hours will take some getting used to, but my dad said he won’t be in that area permanently. After 2-3 months he can bid out to work in a different area and even a different shift. My dad said he’d even try to get him into his area  and shift as soon as he was able to. But beggars can't be choosers and we really thankful for this opportunity. Now, I don’t want to get ahead of ourselves. These are all still “ifs” because he hasn’t actually been hired. His interview is today at 3:30 pm. We’ve been a little worried because we know other guys are being interviewed as well. So we're just praying everything goes well and in my husband's favor.

If you get a chance wish us some luck, send some good vibes, or say a little prayer. Our little family really needs to have two incomes coming in right now. Especially with school right around the corner. We’d really appreciate it.