Random Thoughts // Twelve - Sixteen - Twenty Two

Today, I’m not feeling up to writing about one particular thing. My brain does not want to focus. And it’s been a minute since I’ve done one of these posts so I figured today would be a good day to dust this “series” off and give it a go. I’m just going to write down some random thoughts as they come. See where it takes me…

This break from school has been glorious! I’ve been able to clean and get my house in order. I’ve been able to get to work without rushing. I’ve even been able to go for a run whenever I want. There are no homework assignments, or projects due. I’m not having to work through lunches to make up the time that I miss because of class. I’m home every afternoon and I get to spend it with my family. And this makes me so dang happy!! It’s like a little glimpse into what’s to come. What I’m working really hard to finish my degree for. And we’re technically in the home stretch. God willing, by the end of next summer I’ll be walking across a stage - degree in hand.

Right before classes ended I ordered a few books that I’d been dying to read. I finally finished “Reminders of Him” by Colleen Hoover and now I’m onto “It Starts With Us” by her as well. I should have reread “It Ends With Us”, but I knew if I did that I wouldn’t finish in time to start the sequel. I also have “Midnight Sun” by Stephenie Meyer, which I’ve honestly had for over a year, but never quite had the time to start it. Here’s hoping I can at least get through the first few chapters. Though if I’m being honest I’ve spent more time trying to catch up on TV shows. Corey and I have started a few that he’s been waiting on me to finally catch up with before starting new seasons. We finished Netflix’s Wednesday which I really enjoyed! Sadly, Corey was not a fan. Then we started on the current seasons of both Yellowstone and FBI. And I recently found out that the new season of Jack Ryan will be released next week. I’m so stinkin' excited about this one! Now, I know that I won’t be able to fit ALL of this stuff in during my break but I’m still happy that some of it will get caught up on. You know, on top of the regular chores and everyday obligations. 

Can y'all believe that Christmas is next weekend?! I’m pretty excited about the week-long break from work that we get. Emery gets time off from school too so it’s nice having the same days off. And at some point, we’re hoping to head down to the coast for a few days. Though that plan is tentative. I’m still pretty excited about having so much family time! I think that’s where I fill my cup up the most. Surrounding myself with family and friends that matter the most to me. I still have some more Christmas shopping to do, and I know I’m cutting it really close. But I’ll blame some of that on the 12-year-old who turned in a PowerPoint presentation for a Christmas list (complete with links) just last weekend. So, now I’m scrambling trying to make sure everything gets here on time. SMH - kids.

And this feels like a good stopping point for today. It’s finally Friday! I’m hoping to be at the tail end of an 11-hour LinkedIn Learning course by the end of the day today. Tomorrow morning I have a 5k and then we’re off to see my future brother-in-law perform for the last time as a part of the UNT Green Brigade Marching Band. So, it should be a nonstop weekend. Again, while I love the busy, I’ll be more than ready for an entire week off from work. :) Until the next post! La revedere! ✌

Random Thoughts // Eleven - Eleven- Twenty One

Today, I’m not feeling up to writing about one particular thing. It’s been a day and I’m emotionally exhausted. My brain does not want to focus either. So, instead, I’m just going to write down some random thoughts as they come. See where it takes me…

The fall semester is almost over for me and I am beyond ready. While I didn’t take on as many classes as before, and one has already been completed, it feels like it’s taken forever to finish. Only 4 more weeks to go though! Emery, on the other hand, has a bit longer. They wrapped up their cheer season not too long ago, and now all she has is dance. However, she’s opted out of the end-of-year recital so there’s nothing for her to prep for before winter break. While she enjoys dance, this semester she’s felt held back. And I completely understand. There have been some changes at the studio, and Emery has felt a bit off about them. So, we’ve talked about looking into another dance studio that will be opening its doors to new students in the Spring. Fingers crossed it’s a good fit!

In other news, I have been feeling really lonely lately. Super emotional. And highly unmotivated. The current state of my house is embarrassing. I have no idea what happened to the woman who woke up every Saturday morning to clean and do laundry? I need her back though. And it’s not like these moods are an all-day thing either. This is unusual for me because I’m used to having days or weeks of being in a funk. But lately, everything changes by the hour. I seem to be perfectly fine one minute and the next I’m sobbing in my shower. Or I’ll wake up feeling sad, but by lunchtime, everything is right with the world. I’ll enter my home feeling productive only to get crippling anxiety within an hour. It’s BEYOND exhausting and really starting to get on my nerves. I have no idea why I can’t seem to get myself together. But something has to change or I foresee a bit of a breakdown in the not-so-distant future.

Moving right along, one evening after going through a bit of an emotional day I started writing a post about my lack of passion. Since then I’ve read and re-read it about twenty times and I just don’t like it. I’ve made a ton of edits. Then I took it apart and rewrote it. And yet, none of it sounds like me. Or at least, I don’t think it does. Which makes me wonder about who we are mentally when we’re going through depression. Or even just having a bad day. Like, how different do we sound to others when we’re going through something? Because that woman who sat down and started typing away through tears is not the same one typing this up today. But she could be in that same headspace tomorrow or later today. Funny how the mind works, right? 

And this seems like a good stopping point for today. I didn’t get much sleep last night, despite what my watch says, and I really just want to crawl into bed right now. Sleep for a few days. Alas, there’s laundry to be put up and an afternoon run to attempt. Until the next post! Auf Wiedersehen!

Random Thoughts // Five - Twenty One - Twenty One

Today, I’m not feeling up to writing about one particular thing. It’s been a day and I’m a little tired. My brain is just not wanting to focus either. So, instead, I’m just going to write down some random thoughts as they come. See where it takes me…

Blogger has really gotten on my nerves lately. Editing/drafting wise. I know I had mentioned several times before that I wanted to switch to self-hosted but that’s such a huge upfront cost. One that I can’t afford right now. I thought about doing it myself, but I have no idea where to even begin. I could pay someone who offers a transfer service but they have their own costly fee. And I’m not saying it’s an unreasonable price tag either. I’ve seen some of what it takes to make a switch on a small blog. I can only imagine the pain in the butt that’s in store for a more established one that requires a lot more work. It’s definitely WORTH every penny to have someone do it for you. But again, the lack of funds is my issue. So here I sit. Grumbling about the horrible Blogger editor, the photo issues, and still being annoyed with the video feature they took away. 😒

The Spring semester for me is officially over - grades have been posted. I made it through with an overall 3.5 GPA!! Which is MUCH better than what I expected. And y’all, that was A LOT of work. A little over midway through I made the decision to scale back on classes for the fall. For my sanity and the sake of all my relationships. So, to try and stay on track I will have to take a class or two for this summer and next summer. While I’m not looking forward to the “nonstop” classes for the next two years - I keep telling myself it’s temporary. And in the end, it will pay off. I’ll be able to walk down that dang aisle to receive my Bachelor’s degree. Finally!

Moving right along. We officially have a destination for our summer vacation! While we had originally wanted to go visit California -as Corey has never been, this will probably be the last summer we get with the boys for at least three years so we decided to join in on Corey’s side of the family’s vacation. We’ll be spending some time in Kentucky and then North Carolina. And I’m definitely looking forward to some cabin time in the mountains. Plus, we’ll be visiting the life-size Noah’s Ark, which is a place I’ve wanted to visit since I heard about it. But what I’m NOT looking forward to is that 15-hour drive. I am thankful we’ll be splitting it up over the course of a week, but y’all we’re going to need prayers and/or some major good vibes. That is a LONG haul, and it will probably test me. And Corey. And Em. And everyone else involved. Ha! But I’m grateful for the opportunity to go visit a place I’ve never been to before. So, it’ll be good. I’ve got time to prepare.

Annnnnnd this seems like a good stopping point for today. I really want to lay in bed with a good book or maybe just watch a really good movie. Alas, there’s laundry and a good amount of cleaning to do. Adulting is hard stuff, y’all. Anyway, how is your end of the school year going? I pray it’s been a good one. Any big plans or vacation plans? Any suggestions for where we should go? I hope this wasn’t too scattered for anyone. Until the next post! Stay safe & have a wonderful weekend. Au revoir!

Random Thoughts // One - Twenty Six - Twenty One

Today, I’m not feeling up to writing about one particular thing. It’s been a day and I’m a little tired. My brain is just not wanting to focus either. So, instead, I’m just going to write down some random thoughts as they come. See where it takes me…

Y’all, I have no idea what I was thinking when I decided on going back to school. I’m one week in and already I feel like I’m being chewed up and spat out. Two of my classes are giving me a fair shot. The other two seem to be setting me up for failure. I seriously cried after my third Business Math session. And what's worse, is that this school just doesn’t seem to worry about, care, or offer resources for non-traditional students like me. Forget having a full-time job while going to school because chances are that everything will be done during the same 8-5 window and if you can’t get the time off you're screwed. On top of that, you’re viewed as just another student ID number by the advisors and that’s a pretty crappy feeling. But what can you do? Well, nothing. I just have to suck it up and do my best! 

Lately, I’ve had his feeling of wanting to be motivated to work out. I want to go to the gym and I want to work up a sweat. It just hasn’t happened. Nor do I know where I would find the time. Of course, people will give me the whole, “You make time for what’s important” spiel, and you know what? ZIP IT. I like getting rest, okay? So when people come at me with that they're basically asking me whether working out is more important than getting sleep. And whether I want to function on copious amounts of caffeine. Which is totally possible because I've done it before. But doing this again would wreak havoc on my body and decrease my chances of ever conceiving again. I already struggle enough in that area as it is so- pass. Between work, school, studying, meeting my daughter’s needs, attending her activities, spending time with my fiance, AND keeping our house in order - where do I find the time? At 4 am? At 11pm at night? Do I need to push myself into running on 5 hours of sleep or less each day? And if I did, realistically how would I even keep that up? I’m totally open to suggestions.

Also, I still haven’t decided on my word for this year. I’ve had a few contenders, and there’s one in particular that’s been coming up a lot lately. In my daily readings and in my writings. I’m still praying on it though but I’m pretty sure I’ll have it narrowed down by the beginning of February. If you’ve been around this blog for a while maybe you can guess which word it is? 

Anywho, this seems like a good stopping point for today. I really want some chocolate and a day filled with watching Hallmark movies. I’ve had headaches off and on since school started and I can already tell they’re going to be a constant thing until the end of May. Anyway, I hope this didn’t give you too much whiplash. How has everyone else’s new year started off? I pray it’s been a good one. Any big plans or goals for 2021? Until the next post! Stay safe & have a wonderful week. 

Little Things // Being Loved

Sometimes, I get hung up on these fantasies about what being loved is supposed to look like. How it should be given/received. I’ve spent a lot of time reading romance novels, watching romantic movies, and binge-watching whatever comes on the Hallmark Channel that I’ll catch myself thinking, “See? Why doesn’t my partner do stuff like this?” or "That's how family gatherings should be!" As if any of those characters or scenarios are even real for me to be comparing their actions. Insert eye-roll. Then, my anxiety and insecurity get the best of me and I start to worry that I’m giving too much. I wonder whether I should hold back or if my efforts are even being matched. I question whether I’m loving others enough. If my daughter is feeling or seeing it from me. And often, I forget that we all have different love languages. I forget that there are so many different ways for us to show love. I forget that sometimes it’s the little things that are the most important. 

Being loved is when he says, “Don’t worry, I’ve got it” even after he’s had a long day of hard labor. It’s when she says, “Mommy, thank you for being the best mom ever.” Being loved is when he checks the oil level in my car as well as the pressure in my tires. It’s when she randomly comes up to hug me after a long day. Being loved is when I have the music playing and he pulls me away from the kitchen sink to dance. It’s when she gives me a quick smooch before getting out of the car. Being loved is when he cooks my favorite meal and serves us all our plates. It’s when she snuggles up on the couch with me to watch a movie. Being loved is when he rolls over in the middle of the night, pulls me in close, and says, “Thank you, for all that you do. It doesn’t go unnoticed.” It’s in the excitement in her face when she tells me about something that’s just made her day. Being loved is when he apologizes when he knows he's said or done something to upset me. It’s when she says, “It’s okay mommy, I love you” after I’ve had to ask her for forgiveness for being too harsh. 

Being loved is when they both extend me a good amount of grace on my bad days. When they’re both patient with my mood swings. Being loved is seeing these two incredibly important people in my life get along and laugh together. It’s when we all pile into bed and talk for an hour before falling asleep. Being loved is when he kills the random insect that finds its way into her room or the spider that makes its way into ours. It’s when she asks to bake brownies because she knows they’re his favorite. Being loved is when he finally addressed the hamster by name rather than “the rat” just to appease her. It’s when she opens up to me about the hard stuff she’s going through. Being loved is when he teaches her something new and spends time trying to understand a bit about where this ten-year-old little girl is coming from. It’s when she high fives him after he’s sat through one of her ridiculously long stories. It’s in the understanding that comes from each of them at the end of our day. 

Lately, life looks so much more different than I ever imagined it would. My daughter is thriving and we are learning to stand a bit on our own two feet. She’s becoming more independent and trying new things. She’s also very open with me about how she feels and what’s hard for her. I really hope that never changes. My partner isn’t perfect, and sometimes that selective hearing of his can drive me up the wall. Arguments can have us not speaking for a whole day, but at the end of it, he shows up. Whether it’s reaching for my hand in the middle of the night to give it a squeeze, or hearing me out when I’m the one that needs to apologize. He’s there. He’s helped to ease some of the harsh criticism that I dish out about my body when I’m alone. And they’ve both given me the gift of laughter on most days. I’m constantly being shown that I’m loved. It’s being offered to me, unconditionally, all of the time. When I finally take a break from all of the heavy things going on in life to take stock in all of the blessings that I have, it makes my heart so happy. This season that I’m in; of healing. It’s been one of the most incredible seasons of my life! It’s wrapped up in understanding and love. It's shown me that I can do hard things, with grace. It’s shown me that the little gestures are just as important, if not more so than the big ones. And in most cases, it’s the daily little ones that end up meaning the most.

Random Thoughts // Ten - Thirty - Twenty

Today, I’m not feeling up to writing about one particular thing either. It’s been a day and I’m a little tired. My brain is just not wanting to focus either. So, instead, I’m just going to write down some random thoughts as they come. See where it takes me… 

This October has been really different for us. Normally, we’d look into a group costume for Emery and the dogs. She begs to have a theme. Then we’d spend time decorating the house, and looking into Halloween themed activities being held in our town. We’d also enjoy Halloween themed movies the entire month. But this year, we barely got to do any of those things. Mainly because we were pretty busy with weddings, camps, and school. But still, it just feels wrong. Also, I found out this week that door-to-door trick or treating has been limited too. However, we’re still going to do our best to make it a great Halloween for the kids tomorrow! 

Texas received its first real cold front this week. The high was 38 degrees on Tuesday, and I absolutely LOVED it. Not a huge fan of the sloshy mud that the rain created on that day but beggars can’t be choosers. And y’all, Fall is officially here! I checked the weather forecast for the next 15 days and we have highs in the mid-’60s next week. It’s the start of leggings, oversized sweaters, and fuzzy boots season. And it makes me so happy! 

Political garbage is pissing me off right now. Every yard I see or vehicle I come across has either a sign, flag, or sticker. These campaigns and ads are running during all of the commercial breaks. And every time I log into any of my social media accounts I get some messages and links about voting. EVERY. SINGLE. TIME. Even if I hit the little “x” in the corner. And all of this mudslinging and dragging of people for their opinions? I’m annoyed with it. Shut up about political parties, go vote, and leave people alone. It’s not hard. I feel like the entire nation needs a refresher course on how to be grown-ups. 

I also spaced on my yearly birthday post. I had that entire week off, but I spent it cleaning for the first half and then just enjoying my time with my people for the rest. I didn’t spend much time on my phone (daily screen time was down 49%) and I didn’t bother turning on the desktop. Not when there were Hallmark movies to be watched. So, I call that a success! Maybe I’ll write something later or just post a few pictures. We'll see. Did I mention that none of us who had birthdays this month were able to celebrate together like we normally do? It was odd and I didn’t like it very much. But it was still a pretty wonderful day & week. For that, I'm thankful. 

And this seems like a good stopping point for now. I want to crawl into bed with some fudge brownies and lasagna for some reason. Watch “The Corpse Bride” and call it a year. Anyway, I hope this didn’t give you too much whiplash. How is everyone else doing? Hopefully not as annoyed as I am. Ha! Well, until the next post! Stay safe & have a wonderful Halloween. Byyyyeee!👻💀🎃

Word of the Year - Healing

January felt like it lasted a long time, didn't it? I think it's funny that we normally complain about the time passing too quickly, but for some reason, January is the month that we can't wait to see come to an end. I mean, why can't we have that same "never-ending" feeling in June or July? Or better yet, OCTOBER. *long sigh* Now that would be wonderful. What I'm personally really excited about is daylight savings time kicking in again though. I know that we still have over a month to go, but y'all, I am ready! More daylight during the day. Spring weather. I can start on my flower beds again, and maybe this time I can figure out how to expand on to the side of my house or even around the trees in my yard. Yes, yes. Exciting stuff, I know. Anyway, lately, things have been pretty great around here. However, my sister-in-law has pointed out that there have been a few things in my past that I've refused to deal with and it's probably hurting me in more ways than one. So, this year, I've decided that my word will be "healing".

There are two specific incidents that happened when I was much younger that I tend to be pretty dismissive about. As my sister tells me, "you tried to justify their actions". And well, she's not technically wrong. I've always taken pride in being sympathetic and, I'd like to think, understanding of other's. After having a conversation with her, and listening to a podcast on the subject, I'm now wondering if I've taken that "understanding" a bit too far. If I've actually allowed my sympathy to turn into excuses to dismiss toxic behavior from others that are directed at me. As in, I allow myself to be treated terribly because I try to understand where they are coming from rather than calling them out for what they did. I look at what their past traumas were and how they could possibly be affecting them now. Then I make excuses for them. I don't hold people accountable. Instead, I internalize it. I throw up walls and then have a really hard time letting people in again. Over time it just added up to more trust issues. More negative self talk. I tell myself, "Oh they don't mean to do that it was just a one-time thing" or "Well, they're just saying that because they don't know any better" as a way to cope with what's going on. However, that's not solving the problem. It's not making things better. Instead, it's allowed them to go on with their lives thinking nothing was wrong and I was left behind to deal with the fallout of their actions. Only, I didn't actually deal with it. I allowed it to chip away at my self-esteem, my self-worth, and my voice. I allowed their actions to hinder other parts of my life. And I just stood by silently. Frozen.   

That's why this year, along with all of the good things coming into my life, I want to start the process of healing. I want this to be the year that I take a really hard look into my past so I can let all of that shit go. I want to forgive those that I never received an apology from. I want to grieve the losses I never fully accepted. I want to feel the walls come down from around my heart. Because I am so tired of feeling trapped. I'm tired of constantly having anxiety attacks. I'm tired of my depression taking over for months at a time. Stealing so much from me. I'm tired of being in "fight or flight" mode 24/7. I'm tired of shoving all of the bad things I don't want to deal with into bottles and trying to hide them away. Those mental shelves are starting to overflow and I can't keep the bottles from falling over for much longer anyway. And if I ever want to be in a good mental place again, to love fully without fear, then I need to start the healing process now. I need to forgive myself for a lot of things I had no control over. And I need to let go of a lot of the baggage I was never meant to carry. That's the only way I'll ever be able to move forward both physically and emotionally. So, here's to a year of finally allowing myself to do just that. Here's to healing. 

Random Thoughts // One - Twenty One - Twenty

Today, I'm not going to write about one specific thing. I don’t want to think about anything for too long either, really. Not today. My head hurts, and coffee isn't even touching it. And, to be quite honest, I’m not feeling up to writing very much this evening. So, I’m just going to jot down some random thoughts as they come to me. See where it takes us… 

This weekend was a doozy. Emotionally speaking anyways. My overthinking, and fight or flight instincts tend to kick in at their highest when I feel very insecure about whatever it is that I’m currently going through. When I’m not 100% sure of where I stand with people I start to feel like I’m a burden and then I do everything I can to put up walls. To cut people off. And I’ve noticed that right at the end of my cycle I also tend to get anxious. I feel the tension throughout my entire body and I feel it in waves. Now, I’ve only been putting attention to this since December so I can’t say for certain, but I believe there’s definitely a pattern. I plan on keeping track over the next few months so I guess we’ll see.

While I was dealing with a lot of emotional stuff over the weekend I did my best to leave it all in the church pew on Sunday night. I didn’t want to walk out of there with so much heaviness on my chest. “There’s too much noise, it’s getting to be too much. Please, please take some of it away.” We were some of the last few people to exit the church when my uncle came over and said a little prayer for me. When I opened my eyes I looked around and just felt so blessed to have so many understanding people in my life. I appreciate every single one of them and I know I don’t tell them enough. Sometimes I allow anxiety and depression to dictate my decisions and how I live my life which can be really frustrating for the people who care about me. I know that during some of those slumps I’m not the best company. That I can be difficult to deal with. I know that I can be this ball of toxic energy and it’s normal for people to want to distance themselves from that. Believe me, I totally get it. So, I’m super grateful to all of those who have stood by me through it all. My mom, who kisses my forehead and tells me everything will be okay. My dad, who goes to the gym with me and pushes me to go harder when he can tell I need to work through some stuff. My sister-in-law who listens to EVERY. SINGLE. THING. I have to say. My brother, who's constantly telling me that I'm doing a good job. Even when I know I could do better. My best friend who deals with her own shit on the west coast but still finds time to send me a message about how much she loves me. My other best friend who has a hard time showing people that he cares but when I really need him, shows up. I mean, I have a really, really great group of family, y’all. And I can't thank them enough for all that they do for me. For my daughter. For us.

Yesterday morning, I got some news about a friend of mine that made me want to cry. It also made me really mad at the same time. I had no idea which one to do first. This entire weekend I had this bad feeling in my stomach. Knots. Their name kept popping up in conversation, but when I would reach out I wasn’t getting a response. This isn’t unusual so I just dismissed it. But yesterday morning I was informed about what had happened the week before and my mind went to all of the worst-case scenarios almost immediately. I felt my stomach drop, and there was this mix of fear and panic racing through my thoughts. Like I had just come really close to having someone snatched away. Losing them in a permanent way. And I wasn’t ready. I hadn’t given my permission so it wasn’t allowed, didn’t they know that?! As if I'd ever have a say in that. But then I talked myself down. As I was given more information about the situation I kept reminding myself that they were still here. They hadn’t gone anywhere. Instead, I told myself to be grateful. To be a good friend. "Everything is okay. They're okay." I was finally able to get in contact with them and made arrangements to pay a visit that evening. And when I finally walked through their door I felt the tension I had been holding all day finally leave. They were, in fact, okay; safe. When my mind finally calmed down I unapologetically told them how reckless their actions had been. How they affected me and everyone else that cared about them. Because they needed to hear it. I explained how I was so damn grateful that they were sitting right there beside me and that I could hug them. "We have so many more years to go! Don't you dare put that at risk.", I kept expressing. Over and over. Finally, as I left for the night all I could do was pray with everything that I had, that this would be a lesson learned. That this would be a wake up call. I don't  ever want there to be a "next time". Because...we still have so many more years to go.

And this seems like a good stopping point for now. Today was such a long day that started out with one major headache. And all I can think about is sleeping. Anyway, I hope this didn’t give you too much whiplash. Until the next post! Be safe. 

Random Thoughts // Nine - Seventeen - Nineteen

Today, I don’t want to think about one specific thing for too long. I don’t want to think of much at all really. It's just one of those days, you know? And to be honest, I’m not feeling up to writing too much about one particular thing either. So, I’m just going to write down some random thoughts as they come. See where it takes me…

Last week was an interesting one. Everything felt slightly scattered and chaotic.  And yet, very still, with little to no progress being made on my “to-do” list. But you wanna know something? I really didn’t care. The dirty dishes remained in the sink until Saturday. The laundry was sitting, divided into piles, on my bedroom floor until Sunday evening. I only swept twice the entire week too. And oddly enough, I actually enjoyed kicking things to the side for once. Instead of dealing with the usual day-to-day work I spent my afternoons watching my daughter practice. I went over my monthly budget and revised where needed. I ate some pretty tasty food and worked out with my dad. I quietly listened to Emery read her chapter book while putting a few gifts together for family and friends. I sat on my front porch while eating chocolate and having a good laugh. And I even spent an evening binge-watching a new show with a friend. With each passing day, I was reminded of just how much I don’t need all of the extra noise in my life. Right now, everything is simple and quiet. Just the way I like it.  

Moving along: Have you ever felt like you’ve outgrown something overnight? Or maybe someone? The other day I was looking back at a few things from my past and I realized that I didn’t feel the same way as I had before about a lot of things. And people. I’m not exactly sure when the switch flipped, but as I sat there on my bed thinking things over I knew that it had. And the list of things/people that this included was actually pretty long. It was a little weird at first. My initial reaction was this feeling of fear creeping around in my thoughts. I had this sudden urge to back peddle and cling to those old feelings of want/need that I had. Of holding on. Because it was actually kind of scary to realize that I was officially moving out of a particular phase in my life. I actually felt more like an adult than I had in...well...ever. Or at least, what I think most adults feel like. Ha! So, it was a very eye-opening moment. And eventually, once the discomfort wore off, it felt good to know that I was experiencing growth. It was as if I could finally see the progress all of my baby steps were accomplishing.

And finally, I’ve recently started looking into moving this here blog over to Wordpress.org. I was doing a little reading about blog migration when I came across an article addressing the reasons why so many people were making the switch to a self-hosted site. For someone like me, who writes to just write, Blogger or wordpress.com tend to be sufficient enough. Less hassle, easy to set up, and super easy to maintain. However, for others who want to gain an income from their writing, it’s crucial to make the move sooner rather than later. Since I don’t write for profit I almost dismissed the idea of transferring over to Wordpress.org altogether. Especially with the upfront cost that it requires - (roughly $400). If you’re tech-savvy, which I’m not, it may not cost that much. But the thing that really jumped out at me was ownership of your content; your words. When you start a blog on Google or sign-up for a basic plan on Wordpress(.com) you don’t own any of what you put on there. Even if you have a “copyright” notice placed somewhere on there. They have the right to use your blog however they see fit and even take it down without notice. And that just doesn’t sit well with me. So after giving it some thought I decided that this switch is something that I would really like to do. Of course, I’ll have to save for it. But I’m hoping that I can make the transition sometime in the new year. A goal, if you will? So, we’ll see. 

And this seems like a good stopping point for now. Today was such a long day, and all I can think about is eating pizza in my PJ’s right now. Clearly, carbs are calling my name. However, I’ve started back up on a diet because I stupidly agreed to another weight loss competition. So, salad it shall be! Anyway, I hope this didn’t give you too much whiplash. Until the next post! Byyyyeee!

Ruin Your Life

Recently, someone told me that women like me, who are divorced and have children, weren't considered "good enough" when it came to looking for a partner. We weren't considered to be a "good fit" for those that hadn't already been through the same thing we had. In other words, other divorced individuals. I was also informed that it was seen as a failure on our part to not have been able to keep a marriage; a husband. And I was also told that some people out in the world think that we couldn't possibly have anything else to offer but problems. That we were considered to be drama and trouble. Subsequently, it would only be a matter of time before we'd ruin our "new" partners' life. And because of this, it would always be recommended that I be kept at a distance. 

“A woman like you would ruin my life. Nothing good would come of it; just drama and trouble.”

Now, at first, I sat there a little stunned. "Wait...what??" I mean, I totally get that dating someone who is divorced with children isn't for everyone. Yea, we come with a little extra baggage and possibly in need of a little extra care. But where the hell in this "Who to Avoid When Dating" handbook, that I've never seen before in my life, did it say that we weren't "good enough" because we had gone through a divorce? Can someone tell me who made up this rule and can I please see some facts to back up these claims? After the conversation was over I kind of just laughed it off. "Haha! Yup, we're totally crazy and undateable." I went back to my snacks and unpaused the Netflix show I had been watching. It wasn't until two days later that I realized I had actually felt hurt by what was said. I had already thought some pretty negative things about myself after my divorce, like being damaged goods and unloveable. Destined to die alone with my dogs. And here were all of those negative things being said out loud. To my face. Clearly, I had been correct in my negative outlook if others were thinking the same damn things, right?

That afternoon as I started on my workout I actually got really pissed off. Perks of being an overthinker. I was running laps and doing bleachers in order to process everything that was currently bouncing around in my head. During each break, I'd feel myself growing even more irritated. "How dare someone think they're above me just because I got a divorce!" *running up the bleachers* "They don't even KNOW me. They don't know what I went through." *running down the bleachers* "They don't know how hard I tried! Or what kind of person I am." *jogging back to the starting line* "I'm a good fucking person. I'm still salvageable." *repeat* By the end of the workout I was very exhausted. Both physically and mentally. I knew that those opinions were coming from the mouths of very close-minded people. I knew that the person repeating them wasn't meaning to be hurtful. But it still caused me to questions myself. It still caused me to slightly slip back into focusing on my flaws. On the negative that I tend to let overpower me. And it took about ten rounds of bleachers and one hell of a conversation with my sister-in-law to finally snap out of it. I started thinking more and more about why this person was so wrong about me. Sure, maybe I hadn't made all of the right decisions in life. Maybe I did get married too young? But I walked away AFTER I had tried everything. If someone out there looks at my daughter and only sees her as "baggage", well then, they're definitely not the kind of people I need in my life. They're also missing out on getting to know one hell of a kid! And if I were actively looking to date someone then I think I still have quite a bit to offer. 

You see, I'd like to think that I'm a fairly decent person. That I'm a pretty good mom. "Bestest Ever," according to my daughter. I love to read, watch movies, dance, and have long conversations. I'm always down to go hiking, camping, or road tripping. Bring on the adventures! I enjoy going out or spending time with my family and friends. I like to climb up onto my daughter's trampoline in order to stargaze at night. I also like to sit on my porch, coffee in hand, as a storm rolls through. I like being able to dress up from time to time, but I love to dress down even more. I have a pretty big heart when it comes to the people and things in my life that I care about. I'm a very loyal person and truly dedicated. I've been told that I tend to nudge people out of their comfort zones, but in a good way. Bringing them out of their shells. I've heard that my personality tends to be on the bouncier side but you have to get past the "RBF" in order to see it. I definitely have these flares of drama in my reactions but that's the extent of the drama that I want in my life. This is why I'm adamant about having an amicable and healthy relationship with my daughter's father. I'm also a fairly independent person and a hard worker. Pretty low maintenance with the exception of my monthly nail salon visit. Which I budget for and pay on my own. And I'm not looking for someone to financially take care of me because I do just fine on my own. 

So, when it comes to a partner, I would want someone who added to my life. To my daughter's. A partner who wanted to be with me because I added to theirs. And if someone out there thinks that all of this translates over to me being the kind of woman who would ruin a life because of my past, then so be it. You're wrong though. I understand that I'm not going to be everyone's cup of tea and that's okay. But I'm done allowing other's assumptions of who I am hurt me. I know that I'm worthy of a lot of good. Some kindness, love, and a second chance. And if someone out there can't see that, well with all due respect, FUCK 'EM. 

Random Thoughts // Six-Eleven-Nineteen

Today, I don’t want to think about one specific thing for too long. I don’t want to think of much at all really. Not today. And to be quite frank, I don’t want to write too much about one particular thing either. So, today I’m just going to write down some random thoughts as they come. See where it takes me…

I know my previous post was on the heavy side, but I promise things are good. I feel like I just needed to purge all of that out of me or it was just going to weigh me down. There are some days when I still get sad, but for the most part, I’m doing really well. I started working on my flower beds back in April and they are still going strong. Well, most of them anyway. I feel like having these flowers and succulents to look care for has helped me to focus my energy on something else rather than on constantly overthinking the “what ifs” of life. 

I feel like I’m finally starting to shift into a better headspace. And y’all, I feel like I owe a lot of this progress to therapy. I love love, love, love therapy. Some people in my life don’t quite understand why it brings me so much joy. Lookin’ at you Kim. But it really does! I’ve been going for almost two months now, and every time I walk out of a session I feel refreshed. Everyone should see a therapist at least once in their lives. It’s like having someone help you when things in your brain are a bit cloudy. Someone who helps you focus on what you need or helps you get through a hard time. It can get hard, messy, and emotional. You laugh, you cry, and you learn. But then they help you work through it. All of it. 

Emery’s been doing well too. We’ve taken the month of June as a “rest” month. There are no camps for her to attend anytime soon. Which is what she requested. There’s just been a lot of sleeping in, reading books, catching up on her favorite shows, and hitting the pool. Occasionally, she’ll do a worksheet or two in order to keep things fresh on her mind. And I recently bought her two Spanish workbooks as I’m trying to get her to start speaking it again. But I think she was just starting to get a bit burnt out on everything dealing with school. So, we’ve put off camps for next month. Until then, it’s just lounging and resting. 

Lately, I’ve also been itching for some change in my home. I think next month I’ll be repainting some of the rooms and rearranging them. Give things a bit of color maybe? But before I start that project I’m waiting to hear back from the bank on whether I qualify for a home loan or not. You see, I recently went to look at a house that had just been placed on the market. Originally, I wasn’t even that interested in it, to be honest. All I saw was a huge renovation cost, and very little parking space. However, my mother insisted that we at least do a walk through. And y’all, I ended up falling in love with it. It was pretty much MY dream home. I spoke with my bank and I’ll find out today whether I qualify or not. Send some good vibes my way, yea?  

And this seems like a good stopping point for now. I’m so tired that I wish I could just lay down, and take a nap. However, there are a lot of things that have to get done this morning since we won’t be back home until late. Hope this didn’t give you too much whiplash. Anyway, until the next post. ✌

Random Thoughts // Four-Sixteen-Nineteen

Today, I don’t want to think about one specific thing for too long. I don’t want to think of much at all really. Not today. And to be quite frank, I don’t want to write much about anything either. My mood keeps shifting from high to low in a matter of minutes. I’m finding it hard to concentrate. So, today I’m just going to write down some random thoughts as they come. See where it takes me…

I’m currently listening to “What A Time” by Julia Michaels & Niall Horan as I type this. I can't believe how much I relate to this song. And even though it's a song about heartbreak it's also a song about revisiting a relationship that made you happy in some way. It's a song that makes me want to cry and smile at the same time. And fuck if it doesn't make me feel like I'm not some weirdo because I focused so much on the good. By the time the song is over, I have this mixture of heartbreaking pain, the calmness of new beginnings, and this feeling of strength rumbling around inside of my chest. I think that’s why I like it so much.  It makes me feel all of the things. And not a lot of songs can do that to me nowadays. 

I’ve kept my plants alive for a little over a week now so that’s pretty cool. Then Emery's grandmother made her a butterfly garden so now we have even more flowers/plants on our front porch. I'm a little intimidated by all of these responsibilities though. But here we are a little over a week in and they're actually growing. I thought for sure they’d be goners by now. So, here’s hoping I can keep them alive at least for the summer. I really love those elephant ears because they remind me of my grandma's. Both of them. It's been a goal of mine to one day have some of my very own at the front of my house. And I could really use a win right now, you know? 

I keep hearing/seeing all of these great things being said about "Game of Thrones" lately. Apparently, the final season is finally airing? Back when season one came out I actually really tried getting into it. At first, I thought that it was going to be great and I binged the whole first season in one day. Then something happened and I barely made it to episode three of season two before I got bored. Now that the series is coming to an end I'm wondering if I should give it another go? At least all of the seasons will be out by the time I’ve caught up. So there won't be any waiting. 

Twitter can be such a negative space. I feel like everyone is just yelling at each other. And yet, I still check it to see what's going on in the world, and to check on my favorite shows. Speaking of, I still can’t believe Netflix canceled “One Day at a Time”. That one really hurt because it addressed so many issues of today in a tasteful way. Plus, representation. Oh! And speaking of social media stuff, lately, I’ve been leaning more and more towards deleting Facebook altogether. Since I gave it up for Lent I honestly haven’t missed it. Besides, anytime I want to know about anything going on I just ask someone who has an account & they’ll tell me. Otherwise, is it even really my business? Do I really need to know what everyone is up to these days? I've got my own can of worms to deal with. Meh.

I may allow Emery to drop Hip-hop classes. Dancing was originally something she looked forward to on Thursdays. However, due to her being sick, she’s missed quite a few classes. And she’s fallen behind. Normally, I would just tell her to suck it up, but recently she’s just been working herself up so much that she makes herself sick. Vomiting two or three times. So, I thought, maybe I could talk to her dance instructor about possibly pulling her from the recital and just allowing her to attend the classes. Less stress/pressure on her, and she’s still able to continue with the classes. However, when I brought it up with her instructor via GroupMe text, which is their preferred method of communication, I was just ignored. So, I’m not sure how I should take that?

Yesterday, I found one of Beau’s girlfriend’s shirts in my washer. I threw it in the trash and texted Beau that a line was crossed. It’s one thing to know he has a girlfriend, and to have had to meet her once already in order to know who my daughter is around. I constantly have to hear her name and be told about how great she is by my daughter. Yes, maybe I am still bitter over everything. But it’s another thing entirely to have her clothes in my washer. To know that she's been at my house when I'm not there. So, yea, maybe I’m not ready to be “that cool” with who he’s dating just yet. I guess that wound is still pretty raw. Sue me.  

I’m ready for our upcoming three day weekend. I’m feeling really tapped out this week, and I just need it. No prior commitments. Hopefully some nice weather. I kind of just want to lay on Emery’s trampoline, under the shade, and finally, make some good progress on the book I’m reading. Maybe get some sun on these white legs of mine. I dunno, these past few days I've just been feeling really anxious and almost...claustrophobic. So, I need some space and time outdoors with no walls. Then this Sunday is Easter, and I honestly have nothing planned. There will be no dressing up or egg hunts. No dinners or lunches. And this has allowed me to see a light at the end of the tunnel that is this week. As I sit here I could almost cry with relief. Thursday afternoon can't come soon enough.

And this seems like a good stopping point for today. My classical playlist just kicked on and I have several errands to run. Then it's off to tackle a good amount of laundry that needs to be put up. Plants watered. And you know, life. Hope this didn’t give you too much whiplash. Anyway, until the next post. ✌ 

My Eye-Opening Experience When Deactivating Facebook

As some of you may, or may not know, I’m Catholic. March 6th was the beginning of Lent for us, and it had honestly been a while since I’d participated in giving anything up for it. I know, I know. So, this year as I sat in the pew for Ash Wednesday mass I decided that I would go through with deactivating Facebook. This would be the thing I would give up. Though I hardly ever post or share things on that platform I still use it as a way to kill time. A distraction. And it would just send me into this rabbit hole of pictures, and articles. Of drama and hate. Everyone having this need to express their opinions about every little thing, and just having to stick their noses in everyone else’s business. I found that I missed the old days of Facebook when you had very few options to select for how you were feeling and were limited on what you could share. And just like the majority of all the other social media outlets out there, Facebook had become downright toxic. So, I downloaded my data and went through with the deactivation. It felt oddly terrifying and yet extremely freeing at the same time. However, what I didn’t expect out of this particular move was realizing just how much Facebook had given me this false notion that I had several friendships/relationships in my life. 

Facebook as a whole, I haven’t really missed if I’m being honest. I still use other social media platforms like Twitter, Tumblr, and Instagram so maybe that’s why? Though these are limited in time, and not used daily I still have an “outlet”. The reason why I don’t feel like these others are at the same level as Facebook is because of how seldom I actually use them. Twitter is how I keep up to date on TV shows, movies, books, and some of my favorite bands or celebrities. I follow some organizations or causes that are dear to my heart too. My blog automatically posts to my timeline, but I honestly don’t get much out of Twitter. Tumblr is where I reblog/share quotes, pictures, and GIFs. I don’t interact with others on it, and my desire to spend time on the app comes and goes in waves. For real, it sat without any use for over a year once. So, I don’t use this particular platform very often. Instagram is probably the runner up behind Facebook. It’s actually an app that I’ve considered deleting because of how crappy it can make you feel about your life. Instead, I went through my “following” list and deleted over a hundred people. And that was just the first round of deletions. However, even now as I type this out I know that I’m just making excuses. Baby steps, y’all. But my Facebook use was a daily thing. Sure I may not have posted much, and I may not have interacted with others that often. But I was constantly opening and scrolling through it. Anytime I was bored --> Facebook. Anytime I heard an ambulance, fire truck, or police sirens --> Facebook. Anytime I or someone else wanted to find out about another person --> Facebook. And then there was the stuff that I didn’t want to know about still splashed all over my feed. By the time I ended my day I just felt annoyed by it all. So, why was I still using it? I told myself it was because of family and friends. It’s how I “kept in touch” with the people in my life. But really, that was a load of bullshit. I could just as easily get their numbers and keep in contact via phone calls or texts. 

After a few days without Facebook, I noticed that I felt bored a lot. I’d end up logging into one of the other apps and using them to distract myself. I’d quickly scroll through the feeds before telling myself I needed to do something more productive. After five days without Facebook, it dawned on me that not one single person had tried to contact me. By day seven I started thinking about how many of my “friends” I actually thought and wondered about. And to be honest, there wasn’t a whole lot. That’s when it really hit me just how little I actually interacted with others, face to face. How I felt like I had so many friends based on comments left when I would post on my timeline, the likes on my pictures, or the messages I would get. The friend count number displayed on my profile. In my real, day -to- day life I see maybe two or three people off of my friends' list. Not including my parents. And even those aren’t consistent unless you count coworkers. So, all of this got me thinking about my lack of true, meaningful, relationships. I don’t have a core group of friends close by. I do have a group spread all across the country though. I’ve tried getting to know other moms at birthday parties or school activities, but it never goes beyond that. There’s no one I can call up and say, “Hey, let's do lunch!” or “Let’s grab dinner.” I even went through my phone contacts list which verified all of this. Now, as I’ve gotten older I know that I tend to dislike being around a lot of people for long periods of time. My idea of a good time usually consists of yoga pants, a hoodie, and watching a favorite show. I’ve grown so accustomed to going home and having someone there that I truly believed was the only person I needed in my life that I didn’t really bother making an effort to get to know other people. And at my age, in such a small town, all of the “circles” out there have already been established. Tribes are full and busy. It becomes harder to find like-minded people that are in the same phase in life as you are who are willing to make time for someone new.

So, what exactly am I trying to say, you ask? Find your people, y’all. Nourish those relationships. Join that book club. Say yes to a girl’s night. Check on your friends if it’s been awhile. Put your phone down and listen. Volunteer to watch a friend’s kid(s) so that they can have some alone time with their partner. Try that fitness class you’ve been curious about. Schedule those lunch plans. Be open to including others in your circle and extend invitations. Because as awesome as it is to have a partner that’s your best friend in life it’s also good to have friendships outside of that. Otherwise, you end up like me: getting a whole weekend to yourself, never once changing out of your PJ’s, and counting down the minutes until your child gets back home just so you have someone to talk to. Yes, let my current situation serve as a cautionary tale for you. I think for the most part I handle being on my own pretty well. Though there are times when I wish I had someone I could call up even if it was just to have a simple conversation, or to go for a walk around the neighborhood. Maybe even a running buddy? And then there are some days when being alone can make me feel really lonely. During those days I feel like my anxiety gets the better of me and it takes me a lot longer to push past my depression. I eventually get there and start to feel better. But I think it would help if I had a few good friends here that I could lean on from time to time. Not knocking my BFF's either, I know they'd be here if they could. So, I guess what I'm trying to say is don’t shut people out so quickly, okay? And if you ever feel like re-evaluating some of your relationships/friendships just deactivate your Facebook for a while. Shit gets really real, really fast. 

📷: Google image search

What Now?

Lately, I’ve been thinking a lot about the past. Not in a negative way necessarily. I’ve been trying to dissect certain moments in life. I’ve been wondering about how things would have turned out had I made other choices. And I’ve been evaluating what qualities I like in others. In myself. I’m trying to make sense of where I’m at right now, and what I want for the future. Which, if I’m being honest, the future kind of freaks me out. Sometimes, I find myself sitting in my car staring at the wall of my carport in confusion. Because, what the fuck? How did I even get here in life? Before I had these roles: a loving mother and wife. Though I may not have excelled at either, I tried my best. I actually think I’m rockin’ the whole mom thing, but that’s just my opinion. Either way, there was a plan. A somewhat clear picture of what I hoped my life would turn out like. But now I find myself at a point where one of those titles has been stripped away. Which was a really long drawn out, and weird experience for me. You'd think I'd had enough time to process, right? So, now that everything has changed, finalized, I find myself constantly asking myself, “What now?”

Half of the time I just feel a bit lost. I feel like I’m going about my day in this routine because it’s what I’ve always done. I feel sad on some days, and to be honest a bit lonely. Though, I think these are both good things. Positive things. It’s forcing me to acknowledge that my life is truly different now. That I need to be okay with being alone too. Whether I accept that or not, well, that’s still to be seen. But I believe it’s progress. For a long time now I’ve been stuck in this cycle of sorts and it’s about time that I start moving forward. At the moment, I’m just trying to adjust as much as possible to what our new normal will be like. I’m trying to process all of my emotions in a healthy way. With running, and meditation. I vent to my sister-in-law, who’s probably sick of me repeating myself, but she’s always there to listen. Thank you, Kim. I talk to my mother about how I feel and lean on her for support when I start to feel low. Or when I find myself in need of some retail therapy. Thank you, Mom. I just never imagined that my future would have this great big question mark staring me down. And for once, I can honestly say that I have no clue what’s next for me. Which has actually been really eye-opening? And a little scary. I mean, have I really been floating through life just...existing? Do, I really not have anything that’s unique about me? Aside from being a mother what the hell do I want out of life? How do I see myself, aside from being a parent? What are my goals? What are my ambitions? What do I like? What do I want for myself? The honest answer to most of those questions is, “I don’t know.” And I find that a bit troubling.

What I am certain of is that I need to figure all of this out. I need to keep asking the hard questions. I need to continue to explore myself. Because there has to be more. I can’t keep staying in one place, repeating a cycle, for fear of what the future holds. And I can’t continue being scared of what I might find at the end of all of this. I need answers of my own. I need to know who I am apart from everyone else, and I plan to do just that. 

About Today: January 28th

Today, it was humid and a bit cloudy. 70 in Texas in January? 

I heard from my soul-mate. 

I found out that I needed to catch up in one of my classes after being sick. 

I decided that I need to save up for a vacation. 

I reflected on my weekend, filled with wonderful family. Post to come. 

I came to the conclusion that global warming is in fact, in effect.
I went an entire day just eating fruits and veggies.
I finally sorted out some personal issues.

And I missed California. Very much. 

Numb

I think I’m just taking things all in. I can’t really seem to put my finger on an exact emotion that I am feeling. It’s a little strange. When I’m with my daughter, it’s all happiness. I’m so reassured. I know that no matter what, I’ll be ok because of her. But when she’s not here...when she’s not giggling or needing me to hold her; to care for her. I don't feel right. See, I feel like I was born to be a mother. That’s my purpose, along with being a good wife. Everything else takes a backseat. So when she’s not around, I just feel kind of numb. So indecisive, squirmy, and unsure. Not having any kind of control over the future, scares the shit out of me. Not knowing what will be in a few months from now, has my stomach in knots. I feel nervous, anxious, scared, and overwhelmed.

I’ve gone a whole week with my wedding band off. We are still together (still working), but I wanted to see what it would be like. To not wear it anymore. I think that’s been a big factor in why my emotions are all out of whack. It was so strange. Not a feeling I really welcomed at all. It felt wrong, and confusing. I still reached for it after washing my hands. I’d still try to play with it while bored at work. My tan line kept throwing me off. I kept trying to find it, thinking I had misplaced it. I kept looking down at my hand, hoping it would just appear. And I’m no knockout, but I kept getting nervous when around other people. Specifically men. I kept telling myself I was being silly. I’m nowhere in my “prime” anymore, and the chances of a guy hitting on me are as good as you finding yourself a red striped zebra. Yea...not gonna happen. Still, I felt...naked. I felt like I was “betraying” my husband, by not wearing the one thing that truly proved I “belonged” to someone already. It was very strange.

I feel so angry with myself for not standing my ground. I’m angry with myself for being so scared. I’m angry at myself for not knowing what to do, or how to feel. The old me never would have thought twice about a single decision. The old me would have taken no prisoners. The old me would have held her head high and told it like it was. Where the fuck is that girl now?  

I Thought Friday Would Never Come

To say this past week was a nightmare, would be an understatement. Filled with disappointment, sadness, and heartache. But, I’ve had worse, and I refuse to let anything break me.

I noticed that I completely spaced on telling you guys about Emery getting “shocked” this past Tuesday. Not sure why it slipped my mind I guess I was just in a bit of a haze. But yea, we were taking a tour of our friends house that’s in the middle of getting redone for them. Emery was playing in the living room, and one of the light sockets was left uncovered. She stuck her finger in it and got zapped. Nothing big, she didn’t get sent to the floor. But she felt it enough to come over to me and start crying. Once, I saw where she was at, and her holding out her finger to me I knew what happened. I went to look at the wall and sure enough, the cover was off. I felt awful about it, and so did our friends. She cried for a bit, but then her daddy made her laugh. So everything was ok. Still a bit scary, and the next day is when we had the choking incident. So, I guess you could say we have all had a rough week.

This has been one hell of a week. I pray that we get a very slow, boring weekend. I need to relax and recharge the batteries. I need to start hearing good things. No more sadness, or death. I really don’t think I could take much more of either. Hope everyone else had a good one though! Hope you didn’t find me too depressing this past week. I promise I’ll be better starting Monday. Also, I’ve decided to do my weigh-ins every Friday. I’m giving my starting weight from when I first decided I needed to get my stuff together and start dieting. I know I’ve been off and on, but at least the numbers are going down right? I’ll be posting every Friday as a way to give me kind of a nice boost for the weekend to come. The goal weight looks pretty drastic, I know. But I’m taking it 10 lbs at a time. Hope the number keeps going down!!

Have a great weekend everyone!!

Weight Loss

Starting: 185 lbs

Last: 170 lbs

Current: 168 lbs

Goal: 130 lbs

Taking A Step Back

It has been pouring today. I love the rain. I love how dark it gets. I love the sound of it on the tin roof. God is definitely good. I know from my previous posts that, that last sentence was probably the last thing you expected to hear come out of me today. But, after letting all of those frustrations out, and after really thinking about things, I’ve decided to give myself a day. Today, I will eat whatever I want (in moderation), and I will give out explanations to the people I think we deserve to give one to. I will let myself be a bit angry and sad. I will allow my husband to sulk. I will go home to rest, relax, and love on my family. But after today, it’s on to the next thing. Moving on with life.

We are only human. We will make mistakes. We will have good times and bad ones. Unexpected things will happen. We will do wrong and we will be wronged. We will do good and we will be treated well. We will have such joyful moments and some hard mournful ones. People will love us and say wonderful things about us. Others will hate us and say awful things about us. But such is life. And no matter what we must live, learn, forgive, forget, and move onward. I am at peace with this.

I must not take things for granted. I must enjoy my family, my true friends, and the time we have together. And so long as we try to better ourselves, I refuse to worry about what others think about me and my family. I must leave things in God’s hands, and only worry about what he thinks of us. So after today, it’s back to positive thinking, back to eating healthy, and back to my old self. Because in all honesty, we (my family), are the only ones that really truly matter to me. If we’re healthy and happy, there is nothing more I should need.

And I’m definitely OK with that. 

p/s Thank you Rach for praying for me.

I really appreciate it, and was definitely in need of it.

Please don't stop either, I feel we are about to go through 

some pretty difficult/stressful times. 

p/s/s Please keep Ronan's family in your prayers as well. 

Educate Yourselves

Learn, Recycle, Reuse. Repeat.

My brother and his girlfriend have been on this "documentary kick" for a few months now (to my knowledge anyway, it could be a lot longer). And it is starting to rub off on me.

Did you know that the earth is OVER populating EVER few years by like a billion people? Did you know that plastic bottles (including BABY bottles) all leak chemicals into whatever liquid you put into them? EVEN if they say BPA free. Did you know that there is a little town in Japan that kills OVER 23,000 dolphins in a seven-month "hunting" season?? Did you know that Darwin was an idiot? Seriously? We were made from crystals?? And people think legalizing marijuana is a dumb idea? Evolutionist are smoking something much more potent if they're coming up with stupid theories like that. And that's all that they have, THEORIES. Science is suppose to be based on facts, and yet they have NONE. Did you know that there are over 1.37 million abortions performed each year!? Planned Parenthood lies to you, young women! So many little babies that never get to see this world. So many that don’t get a chance at life because they are not considered living beings?!? Did you know that GLOBAL WARMING is really happening, right now? Did you know that by the time OUR children are adults most, if not all, of the rainforests will be gone? You can see them diminishing from SPACE already! Did you know there is a river up north that has completely stopped flowing because of all the plastic, and trash people dump into it?

Crazy, huh? I don't know about you, but I want Emery to have a nice place to live when she gets older and has kids. I want to not worry about how I am poisoning my OWN daughter with PLASTIC. I want there to still be animals for my daughter to get to see in person, not something she reads about in a textbook. I want HUMANS as a whole to have more time on this earth. Because let's face it, at the rate this is going, WE ARE SLOWLY KILLING OURSELVES! And, I don't want to sit back and do nothing about it.

I am slowly starting to make some changes in how I live life. We went out and bought reusable shopping bags, and I am sending the plastic ones we do have back to Wal-Mart or H-E-B. They both have set up plastic bag recycling stations. We don't have a recycling facility anywhere close to us, so I'm trying to find out where we CAN take certain things and how far away they are. I will teach my daughter about God. I don't want her being swayed by worldly people. She doesn't HAVE to be Catholic, but she will know GOD. If that makes me a hypocrite, too conservative, or even a mother that's brainwashing her own daughter into believing that there is  God, then SO BE IT!! Who else will teach her anything, if not her own mother??  I bought glass bottles for Emery, and I'm ordering some more 8 oz ones. Not sure if I'm giving away or if I'm burning her old ones. Can't decide which is best yet. I'm signing the petition to save the dolphins because 23,000 is a lot of dolphins in only 7 months. They are being slaughtered!! I will be donating money to a different charity or organization when I have some extra money each month. And I really want to start volunteering at the local Humane Society, and nursing homes. 

I am only one person. I know this. But that's all it takes, ONE person to make even the slightest bit of difference. Don't ask me how I am going to find time to do all of this, but I will. Maybe not all at once and maybe not all today,  but I'll make some time here and there. I want Emery to grow up knowing that her mother did what she could, to help better the world. Even if it was just one tiny thing. I want her to grow up knowing that a little bit of kindness, can do so much.

I want her to know that SHE, being one single person, CAN make a difference.

Go check out these documentaries:

11th Hour

The Cove

HOME

Expelled (Ben Stein)

Tapped

Or go to these sites:

www.liveaction.org - Learn how you can help stop ABORTION, make your voice heard for those that don't have one!!

www.earth911.com  - Learn where YOU can go to recycle you're things

www.takepart.com - Learn how you can help the world!!

www.takepart.com/thecove - Help put a stop to the dolphin slaughters!

www.panda.org - Make a difference for animals

Let It Go, For Changes Always Come...‏

Part One

Ok, so lately I've been trying to figure myself out. Waaaay easier said, than done. I am a 22-year-old mother and wife that is trying so hard to find out who she is. It's leaving me more confused than secure in who I am...

At seventeen, I used to go to rock (hardcore, "emo", screamo, love metal) concerts. Music was EVERYTHING to me and the lyrics MEANT something to me. I wore band T-Shirts, pants, and my chucks EVERY day. My hair changed colors, and black eyeliner was the only make-up I needed.

I moved to California and everyone wore HEELS!! So, I started wearing heels. Of course, there's the flip-flop staple, so I wore those a lot too. A bathing suit was a must! We were constantly at the beach, the lake, the river, or the pool. My boyfriend (now husband), and I loved going out to the local "club", and so getting all dressed up was a must. OUT went the band T-Shirts. In came all the make-up, and cleavage-baring shirts. 

I moved back to Texas and gained A LOT of weight. I started working at Vet Outlet and so I started wearing just plain shirts. We'd go out on weekends and I'd dress up, but not as much as I used to.  Then we got married, and I kind of put my weight on the back burner. I SHOULD NOT HAVE DONE THAT!!!! I got pregnant, and I LET MYSELF GO. I didn't even wear make-up!! Which was something you didn't see me without. I started wearing bigger pants, bigger shirts. I never messed with my hair, it stayed in a bun. How sexy could I possibly look, with a big baby bump?? It doesn't exactly scream "Take my clothes off!!" I felt fat and my belly was uncomfortable. The last thing I wanted to TRY and slide into was a pair of skinny jeans.

I had Emery, and I was back into sweatpants. I went back to work, and my jeans and capris came back, along with plain shirts and a little bit of make-up. It has now been six months since February 17th, and I have found myself in comfy shirts, capris, flats, minimal make-up, and what my husband calls "mommy shorts". I have huge, deep stretch marks so bathing suits are COMPLETELY out of the question. None of this is screaming “Undress me, with your teeth!” either.

I miss my younger years. I miss the black eyeliner, and my chucks. I miss the random concerts, and I miss my TIGHT skinny jeans!!! I miss being a size 8, with my perky, round, B cup boobs!! I miss my flat, unmarked stomach. I miss looking young. I miss manicures and black nail polish. I miss listening to music really loud, with the windows rolled down in my old truck. I miss being sure that my husband loved me. I miss having friends that actually cared. I miss having late nights and no worries. I miss not having to think about the future. I miss being seventeen.

When did I lose myself? I work at a place that I don’t like, with people I have NOTHING in common with. I look more and more like my mother every day (size and style). I hardly ever listen to new music. My band shirts are in a big plastic tote, because they're all too small for me, and I'm too broke to buy new ones. I had my lip pierced, but recently took it out because I was having an identity crisis. My tattoos are pretty much the only things that give any indication of me being "young" once.

Today, I received an email titled, Letting Go. It left me feeling sad and even more confused with what I want out of my life. Growing up is such a hard thing to do, but do you have to leave EVERYTHING behind? I know I am a mother now, but does that mean I need to go out and buy everything that makes me LOOK like a "mommy"? Do, I need to keep my hair just one color, and my band shirts stuffed in a box?  And what exactly is ok to keep and let go of in my life? Growing up, is such a pain. Letting go of things to make room for change is just as painful, if not much worse.