One of The Good Things - My Weight Progress

My whole situation has been a roller-coaster in every way. At the very beginning, I hardly ever felt the need to eat. I survived off of **Sleepy Time tea. Occasionally, my mother would force feed me something, but I never ate more than a few bites. I was heartbroken, and felt like everything inside of me was crumbling into pieces. I questioned everything I had ever said, and done. Why didn't I try harder? Why her? Why is he doing this? What did I do so wrong? Was I that horrible to look at? Was I that hard to love? How can this all be happening? I spent a lot of my time worrying, and allowing my anxiety as well as depression take complete control over me. 

That's when the weight started to come off. I would go for a short run/walk maybe once a week, after my counseling sessions to try and process what all we had discussed. Any other time I laid in bed. I sipped on my tea, and tried really hard for the sake of my daughter to keep moving. Once the New Year came around though, I was hell bent on making better choices health wise. I started to eat again. Over those really difficult months of not eating much my stomach had shrank, and I could definitely notice. So, trying to fit in a full meal was pretty much impossible at that point.  And once I realized that I told myself I was basically starting from scratch so this time around I would do better, and be healthier. I started to take after my daughter, and mainly stick with fruits and veggies. I still drank my herbal tea, but I started to incorporate a lot more water. I know that it may not be the best meal plan for a lot of people out there, but I definitely switched things up:

• Breakfast: Small 12oz smoothie
• Mid Morning: Small healthy snack & 48oz of water by 11am
• Lunch: 12oz Protein Shake, Smoothie, or Healthy Choice Meal
• Mid Afternoon: Small healthy snack & second 48oz of water by 5pm
• Dinner: One meat, one veggie, one fruit & 32oz of water by 9pm

Each of my meals, and snacks hardly ever go over 350 calories. Sometimes I interchanged my dinner, and lunch depending on how the day is going or what I have planned. I also like to mix things up in order to avoid getting bored with a specific routine. After trying a few different brands I started to use two of the products from the **FitMiss line regularly as well. Once I made the decision to put my health, and what I put into my body more towards the top of my priority list I started to run more often too. That eventually lead to me getting back to the gym. Recently my dad joined the same gym, and he's been a huge motivational boost for me. He keeps me accountable, and he teaches me a lot when it comes to strength training. Since I started to incorporate more weights into my workouts I also started taking a **Gold Standard pre-workout before heading to the gym in order to give myself an extra boost. Regardless of whether you're a parent, or not, everyone knows that sometimes it's hard to power through when your exhausted at the end of the day. A pre-workout helps me out a lot on those days. So that's about it! I follow that meal plan, and I spend at least 30 minutes at the gym five to six times a week. This has helped a lot with my depression, mental focus, and anxiety as well.

One of the more drastic changes that I've had since starting all of this is in regards to how I talk to myself. Before I would always punish myself with exercise if I over ate. Even though I enjoyed running (short distances) I still viewed it as a punishment. This completely ruined excising for me. I made myself go farther or longer in order to burn the exact amount of calories I had over eaten even if I had met my daily goal. I would tell myself that I was "fat" constantly too, and I even created screensavers for my desktop/cellphone that said things like "Put the food down, fatty." If you ever think about doing any of this: don't. It hurts your self esteem a lot more than it helps. Nowadays, if I feel like eating a cheeseburger I'm going to. If I want some fries I get a small order. If I want a soda I allow myself one. I try to limit the junk food, and drinks I keep in my house in order to not tempt myself. But there are days when you just have a craving, and I'm not about to beat myself up over it. Also on days that I don't make it to the gym, I take the dogs out for a walk around our block (about a mile in distance). Or I start cleaning around the house because anything that helps keep me moving in some way is never a bad thing, right?

The main take away that I finally grasped was that the pounds weren't all going to come back the very minute my lips touched a cheeseburger. Or if I gave into the chocolate bar that I really wanted once that week. Keep in mind I usually only crave them once, and then it will be weeks before I crave something else again. I didn't use this as an excuse to eat junk food every day either. If I kept telling myself that it was okay to eat crap the way I had before then yes the weight would eventually come back. For the most part it all came down to finding a balance that worked for me which still allowed room for a certain amount of weight loss at a steady pace. Everyone is different though so I get that for some it has to be all or nothing. Fortunately for me, the changes I've made and kept in place have helped improve how I see myself. Sure I'm still critical about some things, but I'm not extremely negative about it. Instead I ask my friends or other gym goers for tips. I'll ask my dad to help push me a bit harder during our gym sessions. All of this allows me to find solutions/help for the problem areas that I have, and the tools I need in order to target them. I'm slowly but surely getting the end results that I want.

It all takes time though. And just like the weight won't all come back in an instant, it isn't going to go away over night. And here's a little secret too: the scales lie. Just because the number doesn't drop each week, or you find that it's gone up instead doesn't mean that there isn't progress being made. A lot underneath the surface starts to appreciate all of the good your doing for yourself. Your skin becomes healthier, your mood/energy changes, and you are in fact getting stronger. Even though you may not see it yourself I promise that it happens. Others will more than likely notice it before you do too. I was told by several people that I looked healthier even before I noticed it myself.  It took me comparing a before and after picture to finally see just how much I had changed.

And here it is in all it's glory:

The ME on the left is what I looked like at my starting weight, which was 185lbs, back at the end of September 2015. The ME on the right is 150lbs, which was at the end of March 2016. I currently fluctuate between 150-153lbs. I went from a size 15 to a size 10 in jeans. In tops I went from a size XXL to a L. Currently, my goal weight is 135 lbs (which is based on my age and height), and then I'd like to focus on toning up and defining. I'd love to fluctuate between 135-140lbs from that point forward. Recently I've stalled on losing any weight which means I've hit my plateau. So, I've decided to incorporate a few other "tools" to my work outs. Mixing up my routine usually helps break this setback cycle, but I'm also going to add ankle weights as well as a sweat belt. I feel like I need to focus more on cardio right now, and then later integrate more intense strength training to focus on gaining some defined muscle. I could be wrong though so if anyone has any suggestions I'm all ears!

STILL, I AM SOOO CLOSE TO REACHING MY GOAL YOU GUYS! SO. CLOSE. I know that the start of this journey wasn't under ideal circumstances or in a healthy way. I don't condone/recommend living off of herbal tea for months. But I guess you could say that this was my way of making lemonade out of the lemons I had been handed. This lifestyle change was one of the good things that came from a lot of bad.

**This is not a sponsored post. I am in no way getting paid for mentioning any of these products. I'm only linking to these products and mentioning these brands in case anyone has questions about what I specifically use.

Progress

Do you remember that post where I showed you pictures of myself in a bathing suit? The humiliating ones? Yup, I let it all hang out in front of you because I felt like I needed that to push myself to loose weight. Well, it didn’t quite work out that way. I did good for awhile and then I went back up in weight. I lost some weight again only to gain it back again. Then recently I finally started my plan. Yes, folks, the one that I'm DETERMINED to stick with. And so far, with a few adjustments, I’ve been keeping it up consistently.

*knocks on wood*

Unfortunately, I haven’t used MFP consistently so I never got around to updating the ups and down of my weight. Hence the "inaccurate" widget on my sidebar. I’m also trying to make better food choices on my own, without always counting calories. So here’s the gist of my weight gain/loss rollercoaster:

January I was at 159 lbs.

By April I was back up to 164 lbs.

Over the summer I hurt my back; stopped working out.

At the beginning of August I hit 178 lbs. 

 Two weeks after that I was down to 174 lbs. 

 By the time September came around I was at 169 lbs. 

 A week ago I was down to 165 lbs. 

 Then yesterday after weighing myself I’m back up to 167 lbs.

This last weigh-in really bothered me at first. How had I GAINED weight after busting my ass so hard?! Well, that’s easy, aunt flow had arrived just two days before. So naturally I’m bloated and yucky. Then there’s also the fact that I’m lifting weights, which builds muscles. So, after talking myself out of kicking the scale, I realized that I’m actually doing pretty good. I’m down 11 lbs. since August! And I’m not going to lie, I’m pretty proud of myself for that.

My regular mileage now is 3.1 miles. I’m definitely drinking my 6-8 cups of water daily. Fruits and veggies have overtaken our fridge. Gym time has also really helped me stay on track. I try to use as many of the weight machines as I can. I try my best to stay away from fast food, but I have indulged here and there. I’m packing my lunches and snacks daily so I don’t get tempted though. And today my pants feel a bit more loose. Overall, I feel pretty awesome!

Now, I haven’t actually dropped a pant size or anything. I still have PLENTY of jelly, believe me. But I feel like continuing with this WILL give me results in the long run. Maybe not next week, or next month. But more than likely by the time next summer comes around, I’ll be much closer to my goal weight than I was yesterday. This go around definitely feels different to me. Mentally I feel more determined. I don’t want to get ahead of myself because tomorrow it could all go down the drain, but I think I’m finally ready to lose weight for good.

Not a huge difference, but it's a start. 

Clean Eating!!! Well, Trying To...

So, I thought I had myself all prepared to go on this diet, and then again, shit happened. So, I just tried to not eat so much. On some things, I watched my calorie intake, and other times I just made sure I didn’t go for round 3 at the buffet. Bull shitting aside, I’m back on my calorie counting. On Tuesday I did a “mini detox”. I ate fruit for breakfast, drank a ton of water, had a healthy choice meal, and then it was a fruit for dinner. I might/might not have slipped in a cookie somewhere in there, but I plead the fifth. I know, I totally suck at diets. Seriously, I want my high school motivation back. I was way more strict back then.

But, back to my point: I have decided to start documenting through photography what I eat every day, for thirty days! I got the inspiration from Jess, over at IROCKSOWHAT. This one will be tough people. I’m hoping it serves as a daily reminder/ motivation/kick in the ass! Kind of like a “Don’t eat that shit because you know you have to post it” thing.  So yesterday was my first “official” day of this. I had my strawberries for breakfast, but by 11:00 am, I was STARVING! Still, I held out. My stomach needs to get used to not always having a lot of food in it. Yea, that’s gonna be fun. The button, so you guys can take a peek, will be at the bottom of this post and later I'll post it on the side column somewhere.

Now, I’ve been thinking a lot about why I really want to lose weight. I know the main part is for my health. My weight constantly going up and down is not healthy for me. Plus my immunity system sucks so that should improve. I also want to lose weight for Emery. She can’t have a mom that gets winded climbing stairs now can she? But as vain as this may sound a huge part of why is also to look good. I don’t mean a “knock out” with fake everything, although a boob lift is totally on my wishlist after we officially decide no more kids. But, that will never be me. I just mean that I personally hate fat rolls on adults that always complain about being fat and never do anything about it. Bitching won't get you closer to weight loss. I understand that there are circumstances and there are conditions that people can’t help. If you’re of sound body and mind, you want to lose weight, but you're just lazy, then I think that’s ridiculous. And this is exactly the direction I was going in. I was becoming one of those people that didn’t care about themselves. Don’t get that confused with “caring about what others think”, because I don’t. I was complaining about being fat but not wanting to actually work to lose it. I was wishing that just magically it would all disappear. Yea...not gonna happen. I know that I once had control over my weight, and I want that back. I want that back for ME.

I know this won’t happen overnight as I’ve stated many times. And I’m going to slip up every now and then. But I feel like my motivation has come back full force. Now if only I could get off this stupid running stall out, and I’ll be golden!  

I Don't Feel Pretty

I ate way too much junk yesterday. I ate way too much junk this morning. I’m having one of those “fat weeks” where I just eat. I don’t feel like my weight loss is progressing. I’m a mess. My eyebrows are in some mad need of some serious maintenance. My skin is breaking out. My nails are pretty much gone, again. My feet are in horrible shape due to running (blisters, calluses). My skin is so dry and ashy.

I don’t feel pretty.

I did the exact thing, I told myself I would not do. I let myself go. Body image issues and poor self-esteem have been with me since forever. So I was constantly working out. My hair was always straightened and on days that I didn’t have time, I would throw some mouse in it and wear my natural curls. All shiny and bouncy. I never went out without at least some base, eyeliner, and lip balm. Simple, but it still made me feel like this was my “war paint”. I knew I wasn’t a knockout, but at least I was trying to make myself look presentable. I don’t know why I even bothered because I was never the type of person to care what about what others thought of me. Still, I was a girl, and I wanted to be beautiful. I wanted to feel good about myself. Unfortunately, that never happened. And I struggle with it on a daily basis, still to this day.

I feel like I’m always rushing. I’m always out of time. I’m too tired. I’m too lazy. There’s always something else I could be doing. Something more important. And I’ve lost time for me. Yes, I’m back into running but it’s not the same. I’m not getting the results I had hoped for. So I end up binge eating (minus the throwing up; can’t do it) and then feeling even worse. That’s happened in the past two days. I’m really really disappointed in myself. I don’t seem to try anymore. My looks are completely gone. I don’t put that effort that I used to into looking presentable. I hardly ever wear make-up. I wear clothes that won’t show my bulge which means they’re usually oversized t-shirts. I don’t ever pamper myself. Last time I tried to live on the edge and get my hair cut, I just ended up trimming it. No color, no style. Nothing. I don’t even lather up with lotion, or body spray like I used to. Deodorant is pretty much as far as I get when it comes to scents.

I feel like a slob.

My workplace isn’t much help either (not like it mattered at my last one either). I work with guys, we never see our customers in person, and we handle FMC parts. So there isn’t much need to get all dolled up. Chances are by the end of the day I’ll have grease somewhere on me. Lovely. Stay at home mom’s, I envy you. I know that being a SAHM is not easy, and it’s just as grueling as any other job. But between naps, at least you get some downtime, housework chores completed, or a bit of "you" time. I get to come home and finish whatever it is that I tried to finish up the day before. I wish I had your energy. I don’t know how some of you can even stay up as late as 11 pm doing crafts, projects, or getting some pampering in knowing you’ll have to be up early again the next day to do your job, being a mom. Being a “working” mom, Em is usually at the sitters so I don’t get to spend all that time with her. Still, I get tired and she’s off the walls nowadays. She’s constantly on the go and wanting to explore. So even with that time we do spend I’m left feeling even more tired than before. So I have such respect for all of you.

I wish I could be like all of you.

Instead, here I sit. In a shirt that I just grabbed and threw on (it’s too tight), my hair piled up in an awkward looking bun, bags under my eyes, no make-up on, and eyebrows that haven’t had attention in weeks. I’m not trying to impress anyone, and I don’t care what any strangers think of my looks. But when did I stop caring about me?

Yesterday

Today

The Next Step

I had this whole post typed up about how much of a funk I was in. About how I was so disappointed, and tired nowadays. How emotionally I was feeling so off base. But, I want to skip over the whole disappointed part. I just have to shake it off! Get back into my routine, and just keep on going full steam ahead! But at the same time, I need to slow down.

Lately, I have been so tired and I have no idea why. I’ve been getting these major migraines too, and I think it’s because of me quitting sugar and then jumping back into it with a vengeance. Then stopping again. I almost fell asleep at work yesterday (even with a sugar boost), and when I was running I kept wanting to close my eyes! Then, my legs gave out at 1.5 miles. Which never happens! My legs were in pain yesterday, but a different kind of pain than usual. And my right arm broke out in hives. It was weird. But I showered, went over to our friends for a little while, and then came home to watch an episode of Glee before going to bed. My legs giving out was my first clue that I should slow down. Let my body recover before starting up again.

My diet is just blah. I’m having a hard time finding time to prepare my meals ahead of time. So I end up with salads or wraps at lunch. Not a bad choice, but not a good one either. Still, I need to get back on the wagon. And go at it hardcore. I feel all lazy and fat because I haven’t been keeping it up like I should. I think that might also be why I’m so tired. So here’s to hoping I get my motivation back!

Next Monday, I will be headed to a community college close by to talk to admissions about what my steps need to be to get back into school. I need some direction (instruction) on what to do next. And I feel that someone there can probably help me out with this! I am wanting to do online classes because like I stated before, making that drive back and forth would hurt our pockets so bad. And I’ve been looking at what they have to offer online, and I’m hoping that this will end up being a good fit. So, next Monday after Emery’s doctor appointment, I’ll be making the hour-long drive. I want to aim for a goal of starting school NEXT spring. And that’s just to give me some room to study and either take the tests I need or go through the whole GED route. Also, I got my husband thinking about Full Sail University! They have a lot of distance learning choices and a lot of different music based degrees! He loves music! Loves recording, writing, learning. The man can pick up an instrument and teach himself how to use it. He’s also been using a recording program called Fruity Loops, and so far he’s done really well with learning how to use it. So, I think it would be a great idea for him to try it out. Not saying that he will, but I hope he at least thinks about it.

Anyway, that’s about all the updates so far.I’m dabbling with watermarks on photos to see which one I want to use, so forgive me for all of the randoms. Once I get one that I like, I’ll change all of them. Nothing else is new. Daily life has gotten a bit more quiet, my husband is still licking his wounds, and Emery is sprouting. Seriously that little girl needs to stop! I miss my little baby that wanted to cuddle all of the time. She was replaced by a very demanding, independent, and always on the go toddler. Well, almost toddler. It’s a little saddening. Anyway, I hope everyone is doing well! 

I Thought Friday Would Never Come

To say this past week was a nightmare, would be an understatement. Filled with disappointment, sadness, and heartache. But, I’ve had worse, and I refuse to let anything break me.

I noticed that I completely spaced on telling you guys about Emery getting “shocked” this past Tuesday. Not sure why it slipped my mind I guess I was just in a bit of a haze. But yea, we were taking a tour of our friends house that’s in the middle of getting redone for them. Emery was playing in the living room, and one of the light sockets was left uncovered. She stuck her finger in it and got zapped. Nothing big, she didn’t get sent to the floor. But she felt it enough to come over to me and start crying. Once, I saw where she was at, and her holding out her finger to me I knew what happened. I went to look at the wall and sure enough, the cover was off. I felt awful about it, and so did our friends. She cried for a bit, but then her daddy made her laugh. So everything was ok. Still a bit scary, and the next day is when we had the choking incident. So, I guess you could say we have all had a rough week.

This has been one hell of a week. I pray that we get a very slow, boring weekend. I need to relax and recharge the batteries. I need to start hearing good things. No more sadness, or death. I really don’t think I could take much more of either. Hope everyone else had a good one though! Hope you didn’t find me too depressing this past week. I promise I’ll be better starting Monday. Also, I’ve decided to do my weigh-ins every Friday. I’m giving my starting weight from when I first decided I needed to get my stuff together and start dieting. I know I’ve been off and on, but at least the numbers are going down right? I’ll be posting every Friday as a way to give me kind of a nice boost for the weekend to come. The goal weight looks pretty drastic, I know. But I’m taking it 10 lbs at a time. Hope the number keeps going down!!

Have a great weekend everyone!!

Weight Loss

Starting: 185 lbs

Last: 170 lbs

Current: 168 lbs

Goal: 130 lbs

Yup, We Ended Up Sick.

Happy Mother's Day to all of the MOMMA'S out there!!

Hope you guys had a WONDERFUL weekend!! 

So, first let me start out by saying that I am so very PROUD of my husband. As unpleasant as it was to hear him screaming all afternoon for two weeks straight, it paid off in the end. They totally kicked some major ass for their first show together last Tuesday!! My husband and another guy were the newbies, and they had let another member go a while back, so it felt like they were doing this for the first time all over again. My husband was a bit nervous seeing as how he hasn't really been on stage and in front of a crowd since high school. But after the first song, all of the guys were really in sync and my husband looked as if being the lead was the most natural thing in the world! His second home, if you will. I was beaming throughout the whole show, at how well he was doing! Unfortunately, I didn't get very many pictures and the ones I did get are pretty crappy. I was all ready with my camera and I was testing out the lighting, trying to get a good setting, when it just shut off. I switched the batteries around and it said that they were dead. And me being the smart one, I had no backups. But what really pissed me off, is that after the show, when I was packing up everything, the camera turned back on and the battery status read full. Wth?!?! I was pissed. I know this isn't their only show but I’m a “sentimental/memories” person. I like to document EVERYTHING. So, as soon as I get them uploaded to the computer I'll add the pictures to this post.

Next, I got sick. Tuesday night was great but by 11 pm my nose was all runny, I had a cough, migraine, and body aches. When we got home and picked Emery up from next door, she was all sweaty and her nose was pretty much clogged. Wednesday morning Emery and I woke up with a fever, and crabby moods. We slept in through most of the morning. So I made a doctor’s appointment for the both of us Wednesday afternoon and the verdict was: Emery- Step throat and a cold; Mommy- a Sore throat and a cold (both highly contagious). She gave us some sample stuff, and we each went home with scripts. We’re both feeling a bit better now, I started the medicine immediately, and Emery has definitely improved. By Thursday night she was actually playful and got a good nights sleep in. It has taken me a bit longer to recover, and I have no idea why. I still have some congestion, but I’m feeling a lot better than I was last week! 

Now, on to my diet talk. Eeks! I totally cheated Tuesday night. I had my two beers. But after the show, we wanted to grab something to eat, nothing healthy stays open passed 9 pm, so we got stuck with fast food. I had two Jr. Bacon Cheeseburgers. *flinch* Then, yesterday I had a Mocha Coconut Frappuccino with a Double Chocolate Brownie. *double flinch* Yes I know, I know, bad girl! Shame on me. In my defense, I stayed really close to my daily calorie goals BOTH times. Plus, yesterday was Mother's Day, so I felt I should be allowed. LOL! But even though it was junk, I was still within calorie reason. I don't know what it is about being sick that makes me want junk comfort food, but I totally went the healthy route for most of last week. But yes, I’m back to being good and preparing meals ahead of time. I haven’t decided which day I'll be doing WEEKLY weigh-ins on, either Friday or Monday? But, last Friday after noticing that my jeans are starting to fit a bit looser, I stepped on the scales. 170 LBS!!! That's some major motivation to keep going! To stay on TRACK because I really want this!! Size 8, here I come!! 

p/s I ran my first 5K at home last week!! 

Pretty stoked about this!! Now, I just need to work on my time!

We're Getting Sick, Again.

My little bird was feeling pretty crappy on Sunday night. Monday came and she was running a fever, had a runny nose, and a really nasty cough. My mother decided to stay home to take care of her, and when I got home she herself looked like, for lack of a better word, crap! Her nose was runny, she was sneezing, and she had a cough. They both looked tired and weak. Now, usually Monday afternoons I go for a one to two-mile run but yesterday I spent most of my afternoon with a baby in my hands. That was my sign that Em was definitely sick. She wanted to be in my lap the whole time, she cried and moaned randomly, and hardly ate any of her favorite foods/snacks. Night time arrived and she was feeling a little better, but I was feeling like crap. We cuddled in bed, and then her fever got up again. She cried and moaned randomly throughout the night. It was a bit heartbreaking, to not be able to fix it for her, but instead, I just cradled her until she fell back to sleep.

Today, I am feeling pretty cruddy. My nose is a bit running, my throat is sore, I have body aches, and I feel pretty tired and weak. Which is not fun. Mom’s are supposed to be “Super Heroes”, we don’t get sick, right? Then, to top it all off, my husband was complaining of a sore throat this morning. So that makes three of us total in our household that aren’t feeling very well. The last time this happened, it took us a good two months to get rid of it! So, I’m really hoping this passes! Not to mention my husband has his first show tonight!! (<--Yay!!) I’d really hate for him to not be able to perform at his best. He really, really wants tonight to go well. Plus, I don’t want to attend his first show looking/feeling like crap either. I want it to be a good night out for both of us!

Also, today is Day 2 of my “eat clean” diet! No sugar, no bread. Whole foods, meats, and lots of WATER! I’m doing this for 30 Days, along with my continued running schedule, and I hope to see good results at the end of the month!! I got the inspiration from Jess over at IROCKSOWHAT! She’s truly an inspiring lady and mommy! Now, I know we’re all different, but her continued weight loss progress has really motivated me to WANT this! I am more motivated to keep up with a healthy diet. Plus, she’s got some great recipes if you need idea’s for meals - I’ve copied a few myself! Now, I haven’t gone completely sugar free just yet because I left some sweet tea at work to kind of gradually get me off of sugar these first few days. And tonight will be interesting since the show is going to be at a club/bar. I might have myself a beer (no more than that because I’m the DD) or maybe a sweet tea? But tomorrow will be my last day of sugar (except for in fruits) for the next 30 days! Yikes!! I feel really good about this though! I’ve even got my mom to “semi” join me, lol! She’s recently been gaining a bit of weight, and diabetes runs in our family as well as obesity, so I’ve been really worried about her. She used to go for walks in the afternoons, and she’d go for 3 or 4 miles. But lately, she gets winded just walking down our side road. She’s always tired, and she’s not the healthiest eater. So my dad and I are trying to get her to stick with this diet, with me. She’s not going as “drastic” as I am, but she’s allowing me to cook her lunches and dinners. Plus, she’s agreed to go for walks with me after I’ve gotten done running. I really hope she continues this with me!

Now, it’s off to get ready for a run and then a show!! Hopefully, everything goes as planned and we are all feeling better by tomorrow!! Man, only four more days till the weekend! I’m so looking forward to a nice, slow, low key weekend too. And I better get it! LOL! Hope everyone had a great Tuesday!! 

Just Keep Running

So, now that Em is starting to get more independent (with the walking), and she has finally forgiven her dad for going back to work. It’s starting to be a lot easier for me to leave her in her room, or with my husband and not worry about her screaming her head off. Not because she doesn't scream her head off, because she still does that. But, now I just know that from what I’ve seen she is very capable of distracting herself when she wants to. I also know that there’s nothing actually hurting her, or freaking her out. This puts my mind at ease about her being alone in the room. Plus, she’s started to want to be with her daddy again. So when he’s there, she doesn’t freak out (as much). Which is a good thing! LOL! And so this means, more running for me! More work out time for me! Yay!! I had started this whole work-out plan and it fell through because Emery started getting all clingy. She would cry and cry for long periods of time, and only wanted me. Which was a bit frustrating when I had chores to do. But she didn’t even want to be with her dad, she just wanted me. I'd get behind on laundry or cleaning. I wouldn't even attempt cooking like I really truly wanted to. Then I tried to do these things with her attached to me. Yea...that didn't work!!

So with her being that way, and with trying to catch up on all the stuff left from the week before, it made finding time to work out really hard. And I refuse to be up at 4 am just to get a work out in. I love my sleep time and I would rather starve than not get my sleep. I know I said I would try, but yea, no 4 am workouts for me. However, I did decide to approach this differently and more aggressively! I’m making a "work-out schedule". I even jotted it down in my planner. Because if I don’t, then I won’t see it. And if I DON’T see it, then I don’t feel guilty about it. Which is no bueno! And I really need that running time. It helps me think and clear my head. It’s my own personal time. I just focus on running and overcoming the pain. I don’t really call myself a long distance or short distance runner because I just set a goal for myself, and then try to surpass it the following week. If I don’t, then that’s ok! I try to do half a mile and other times I do two miles, just depends on how I’m feeling. And, just working out, gives me that boost to help me feel good. To know that I’m doing something good for my body and my health! So, I hope the scheduling works out for me, and that I am able to keep up with it! I want to get better at this and maybe go farther than 2 miles? I want to push myself harder and harder!

My motivational help? I placed an old picture of myself, as well as this line on my fridge: 

Come out like a pit-bull with rabies. 

“Don't be afraid of what may or may not happen just charge at everything with all intent of conquering it.”

I read these lines over at Mama and The Dudes. The pit bull one is funny, but at the same time so true! We need to charge at everything in life! Go at it full force and know that we can do anything! I really want to conquer this weight thing. The picture is there to remind me that my goal is attainable. Because I’ve been that small before. I just need to kick my ass a bit to get back to that!

March 2007-After visiting Beau in California (not sure what that black dot on my neck is?)

Also, I’m back to watching my calorie intake, and I’m trying to cook my own lunch and dinners. Trying to eat as clean as I can, even though I slip up a few times a week. Still, baby steps. If I do go over my calorie “budget” then I work out extra that day. I’m also looking into more of a veggie diet! I want my diet during the week to be mainly veggies, fruits, and a few meats. I’m not going to starve myself or deny myself a candy every now and then. Because that will just make me feel like I’m punishing myself, and I hate that feeling! But, I’m tired of being stuck. I’m not losing or gaining weight, but I’m not at the weight I want to be at. I know I can be lighter because I’ve been there already. It just sucks that I’m going to have to work a thousand times harder this time around because I let myself go in the first place. Such is life. Now, I just need to suck it up, and really work at this. I will get to my goal, come hell or high water!

185lbs

Ok, so I really need to lose this weight. I am at 185lbs again. I’ve had a rough couple of weeks and with Emery’s birthday stuff going on I really slacked off. I stopped using my calorie counter because I hardly ever had my phone on me –just ask the people who called and never got an answer. So with us being out and about a lot, I did a lot of eating out. So now I’m right back where I started. Eeehhh!!  

I really need to get my shit together. I need to get all of our crap taken care of so I’m not having to run around doing errands or having to spend hours on the phone with this company or that one. I’m so ready for this to be OVER! I’m ready for my healthy lifestyle to get a chance to kick in, people!! And this is when I realized; I’m so making up excuses, aren’t I? I need to want this, even more than what I do now. I need to want to lose weight the way I want a Hershey’s chocolate (which is bad).  Yes, my lifestyle is hectic, so that means my lazy ass has to get up at 4 am (uuugggghhh!!) if need be, to get my work out in. I need to start looking more into nutrition and what I’m feeding my body. Then, I read this lovely lady Jess’s Blog IROCKSOWHAT, and she totally put me to shame. In a good way, if that’s possible?

She pretty much said it all. Stop eating CRAP! Cook your meals! Eat meat, fruits, and veggies. But never anything YOU can’t cook for yourself. Clean eating! What an idea!! Too bad, I HAVE NO IDEA WHAT THAT IS!?!?! But, I like the sound of it! I’m not quite sure where to begin though. I NEVER cook. I have been taking my sweet ass time in learning too. I’ve always been a bit of a picky eater and I’m in no way experimental when it comes to “exotic” tastes. And if it looks like something that a pig would love to roll around in, I’m NOT touching it!! If it looks like it could bite me back, I’m not eating it!! So, hopefully, this clean eating idea has nothing to do with either of those things. I really want to try this out though. I really want to start preparing meals and cooking. Shopping strictly organic produce, and low-calorie snacks (for the hubs). I’m in need of getting back into shape because I really hate being a blob. Every part of me JIGGLES! That's just not right! And even though Em may find it funny when my belly squishes, mommy doesn't! 

I hate that I can’t do much without getting tired and breathless. I want to get back into those damn skinny jeans!! I want to be able to maintain my weight. I want to feel healthy. But mainly, I want to raise my daughter into a healthy lifestyle. And I can’t do that by eating burgers and french fries, now can I?

Weighing In, May

So, I've decided to post a picture each month, along with my weight, to track my weight loss "progress". Weight has always been something I struggled with. But if I look back at years 11-19, I was healthy! Then I moved and it went downhill from there.

I did lose over 30lbs at the beginning of my pregnancy. I had all day sickness up till about 5 months. After ducking out of my doctor's appointment 5 times, he decided he had to put me on some medicine to keep me from vomiting.

After having Emery I had lost about 5 lbs. Then came the breastfeeding and I lost another 20. And now I'm down to a total of 29 lbs lost! Yay me!

Now, I want to start working out and eating healthy. Easier said than done (just had a Swiss chocolate roll). I also realized that I have to start slow because it's been a while since I've worked out and since I plan to pump as long as I can, I still have to take in quite a few calories for my milk production to keep coming.

Even with that, I'm hoping to be down to 130 lbs by the end of this year! So wish me luck! And here's to my first "weight" post!

May 2010, 174 lbs

p/s no worries people, the baby is sound asleep and I went back to holding her after the picture was taken.