Boundaries, Closure, and Chapters

I’ll be the first to admit that I completely suck at establishing and maintaining boundaries. If you’ve read anything having to do with my marriage and it’s ending then you’ll know this too. I would draw this line in the sand, and as soon as Beau would cross it I would just take a few steps back and redraw it. I gave ultimatums without really having the intention of following through. Even after we were divorced I let so many things slide. “All for the sake of making things work,” I’d tell myself. Then when I finally had the balls to ask him to leave, within a day, I wondered if I had been too harsh? Was there some other way for us to fix things that I hadn’t yet thought of? Maybe he had been telling the truth this time? And slowly, I’d find myself back at square one. Back to redrawing lines and letting my boundaries fade away.

When his car broke down, I let him use mine. When he needed gas I would put some in his tank. When his probation officer threatened to revoke his probation due to unpaid court/check-in fees, there I went to pay them off. When he needed to get his license reinstated and take the drivers test, I was there to let him use my car. When he needed to put his portion of the deposit down for a house that he and his “not girlfriend but totally his girlfriend” would be living in, can you guess who helped him? When the car he was using needed repairs, I got them taken care of. When he was short on first month’s rent, he came to me. And every time I went grocery shopping I would grab a few of his favorite snacks and drinks which he’d pick up after dropping Emery off. If there was a problem or something wasn’t going right he would call or text. “What do you think? What do I do?”, he’d ask. “I just need to talk to you,” he’d say.

Some of you are probably sitting there thinking, “WTF, RAQUEL?!?!” And I get it. In my measly defense, when all of this was going on I was also being given a completely different story. I guess I was partially being hopeful; partially in denial. When I told him I wasn’t buying the whole “not my girlfriend” relationship he had going on he grew upset. “Stop saying that!” he’d say in a raised voice. “She’s NOT my girlfriend,” he’d insist. He’d send me lengthy messages about how much he missed us. How he had messed up and needed to figure out what to do to make things right. He’d send me these songs and talk about how they reminded him of us. The good history. We did family dinners, and he would come over to spend time with Emery almost every afternoon. He’d take out the trash on Wednesday’s so I wouldn’t have to. He would let me know ahead of time if he would need to switch his days. He started attending Emery’s after school activities, and school programs. He’d check on the dogs when we had storms roll through and I was at work. He even mowed the yard, y’all! And you know, for the most part, we were communicating really well. So, it felt nice. Sometimes I’d catch myself thinking, “Why the hell wasn’t he like this before? It’s all I had ever asked of him.” And naturally, I felt a lot of confusion. I felt like I was stuck between holding on and permanently letting go. Prying my fingers off slowly; one at a time. But you can only stay stuck in place for so long. Eventually, everything around you starts moving forward whether you want it to or not. And then your eyes begin to focus. 

Just like with everything else that’s new, the shimmer fades, and you start to see things for what they really are. This wasn’t some miracle of having my family put back together. I get that some change is being attempted on his end, and I’m grateful for that. Super fucking grateful. But you can’t have one foot in and the other out. You can’t live out both lives until you’ve “figured things out”. That’s not fair to anyone involved in the situation. So, on the day before he left out of state, I decided that I needed to be clear about the boundaries I felt that I needed in my life. Not for him. Not for my daughter. FOR ME. And I laid it all out: Don’t come over without calling first. He and his girlfriend needed to do their laundry elsewhere. No one was allowed at my house during drop off/pick up unless I had okayed it. Otherwise, we could start doing exchanges in front of the police department. I don’t want to be contacted for any more favors. He and his girlfriend needed to start figuring out the solutions to problems on their own. Making sure everything was okay for him was no longer my responsibility. Unless it's  1) an emergency or 2) has to do with Emery then I don’t want to hear about it. I don't want any more songs or late night paragraphs claiming that he “missed” me being sent to my phone. And once he was back from working out of state I wanted us to stick with the visitation schedule as best as we could. It was officially time for him to start figuring things out for himself. 

After I was done stating my needs I asked that he respect my wishes, and so far he has. The majority of things have been going rather smoothly. I can tell that I’m finally dusting myself off and moving forward with my own life. And now the sting in my heart is starting to lessen with each passing day. It's becoming easier to breathe around him when he has to come over on his days. Easier to be in his presence and not feel like I'm still grieving this huge loss. Of course, there have been a few tough moments here and there. There have been days of weakness where I wanted to have myself a good cry. Days when the memories hit so hard that I lose my breath. Times when I doubt myself. Doubt my own worth. But then, there are the moments when I get so angry at him that I want to scream, “Fuck you for hurting me. Fuck you for lying. Fuck you for being so awful to me. Fuck you for not wanting me. Fuck you for making me lose myself. Fuck you for always wanting what was on the other side and not tending to us. Fuck you for making me feel invisible and unlovable. And fuck you for not seeing ME as ENOUGH.” But I bite my tongue. I push the words back down my throat because it doesn't even matter anymore. There were several times when I could have been petty as hell about certain things. I could have made things extremely difficult for him. I could have shown his girlfriend the texts I was getting. Could have caused a scene. I could have plastered all of the dirt for his entire family to see the truth rather than allow for everything to be blamed on me. But I could never bring myself to do it. Even after everything, I could never, ever, hurt him like that. And I hope that one day he truly sees that for what it is. Sees that my love was still right there to the very end. No hate in my heart. 

One afternoon, when I was scolding myself for not willingly using the ammunition I had to my advantage, a good friend of mine asked, "Okay. But what would you gain?" I looked over at them surprised and answered, “What do you mean, what would I gain? It would make me feel better!” He looked over, “Yea, but for how long? Would it change your situation? Would it change him?” I sat there for a few moments letting his words sink in. And of course, he was right. Sure I may get a bit of satisfaction at first. But then what? I’d feel horrible. There would be more turmoil. I’d be turning into someone that I didn’t respect. And it wouldn’t change a damn thing. So, instead, I chose kindness. I chose to accept an apology I would never get; no matter how much I felt that I needed it. Instead, I chose to feel the heartache, the pain, and to slowly work through my emotions. I chose to finally be firm with the boundaries I had put in place. No more redrawing lines, no more ultimatums, and no more letting things slide. It was finally time for me to let go. It was time for this chapter to finally come to a close.  

It's Okay

Last Friday, I sat down with my mom and we went over my budget. I made more cuts. I looked into extra discounts on my insurance. And I'm waiting until I can pay my internet bill (it's passed due) before looking into getting it lowered, or last resort...turned off. I'm reverting back to the basics. I know last Thursday's post seemed rather dramatic. I was feeling so overwhelmed, and every little problem just seemed so much more bigger than I could handle at that time. But I wasn't exaggerating when I said that I've fallen behind. Being in such a crappy financial situation really leaves me insecure. It leaves me feeling really helpless, and my anxiety attacks start becoming an every day thing. It's sometimes makes me feel like I'm suffocating for hours before I can calm myself down. I really hate going through that. I really hate how controlling it can be, mentally. So, after the last attack I had on Wednesday I decided to just ask my mom to look over my finances with me in order to start getting back on track. I'm actually feeling pretty good about the plan we have in place.

I had a phone session with my counselor last week too. With all of the rain, and flooding going on I didn't want to chance getting stuck somewhere so we opted for a phone session. I didn't realize how much I needed it until he got on the line. Everything came out: my stress at work, issues with my finances, having to move my daughter's surgery, and the emotional roller coaster I had been riding on the past week. I voiced some concerns which I had been keeping to myself, and some of the feelings I had kept bottled up. Once it was all out there he helped get me back on track a bit. I was reminded of what I needed to be focused on, what was NOT to be my concern anymore, and what I needed to keep working towards. When I hung up I felt refocused, and determined. If any of you are struggling, or even just feeling a bit off I highly recommend talking to a counselor. Mental health is important, and sometimes it's great to have someone who can see things from a different perspective. So, I've come into this week looking forward. I feel like I've found my two words for this year, after looking back at everything over the passed few days. Respect and Forward. Only took me half of the year to "find" them and normally people just use one, but those two seem to pop up for me the most.

I had a bit of an emotional moment last week as well. I blame it on one of the side effects from having a monthly cycle. Everything was just extra...extra heightened. You know? Everything you feel or think is magnified by a thousand during that week. There were a few things that needed to be addressed, and even though things were left kind of open for more discussion I don't think my husband or I will be on the same page in regards to the topics we discussed. So, after everything was said and done I sat on my kitchen floor with a glass of wine, and let myself have a bit of a mopey cry. Not exactly sure what will happen next, because my situation is a little different, but we've talked about the possibility of seeing a lawyer again soon. That's not to say we've decided one thing or another. It's just something that we need to do in order to get more information. This is ALL new territory to me, to him, and I have no idea what we're doing. I have to keep telling myself that it's okay to not be sure. It's okay to not know what my next step is. It's okay to take things a day at a time. It's all okay.

Radio Silence

I know I said I would be back to regular blogging now that things were settling down. And believe me this was my full intention. But, shit has hit the fan in my personal life. Big time. That decision, and all of those changes I was talking about....well, they were pretty much forced on me this morning. Which sucks, because I felt like I needed more time. But I guess, sometimes, life kind of kicks you in the ass and tells you that you'll do things when it wants.Not when you're planning on it.  The next few weeks will be a shit storm. No joke. And I'm sure my resolve will waver, because even now I'm scared to death. I've talked myself in and out of what needs to be the next step at least 6 times in the last hour. People are going to be upset, others supportive, and some might disown me completely. It's going to be rough. Really rough. So, I need to focus on this. I need to focus on being strong. To prepare myself for the harsh words, and the supportive ones. I need to be completely focused on what's about to happen and do my best to handle it as gracefully as I can.  That said I've decided to just, turn everything off. I might go as far as deactivating some of my social networks depending on how things go. But once things settle I promise to get back on here and fully explain what the hell is going on. In the meantime, please just send me some prayers. Or positive vibes if your not the religious type. Anything is appreciated. 

A Lesson Learned & Options

So after getting the crappy news on Thursday afternoon about the job offer I kind of felt like we had been cheated out of something good. All because of one tiny, little detail. A detail that seriously was irrelevant because this job did not require my husband to drive. Also, he would not have been driving to and from work either. It had all been arranged. So after already having a very draining day, we get hit with that, and it kind of shattered our plans. I found myself wondering "What the hell are we going to do now?" 

Things at home were pretty glooming when I got off of work. My husband blames himself, and anytime he “fails” at something he gets upset. Then I get mad because it’s something we have no control over. We passed up several opportunities due to inconvenience in the past, and now that we’re ready to really move forward we run into some bad luck. Such is life. So instead of getting all upset I let myself have a little 2 minute cry –alone, took a 30 minute nap while my mom took Emery out for a walk, and then went on with our evening. Because really, what could we do?

Now, we’re faced with looking at our options. Currently, my husband can not apply for a license until after November. We can’t afford to wait that long. So, now we have to contact the DMV and a lawyer to see what is required and/or if he qualifies to get at least a hardship license. If he’s eligible, my mother and father have talked to me about helping us out to get that taken care of. Then, they’ll try again. If he’s not, then I have a major decision to make.

At this very same company, some very reliable employees (friends) have told me about some office positions opening up soon, that are exactly what I’m currently doing but with better pay. Now, I like where I’m at now because the people are wonderful and my boss man allows me to rearrange my schedule to fit in school, which not very many employers do. They are very laid back and flexible. They understand that family is important and sometimes emergencies happen. Being here is a blessing and it’s allowed me to continue my education. But, we need money.

This other job would definitely be a pay increase. And even though they too would allow me to go to school, it would have to be on their schedule. Pretty much they say: Here are your hours, if you’re going to school find classes that work around this. That’s all fine and dandy, except I travel two hours round-trip to my school. And they don’t always offer everything I need to take in the evenings or online. Trust me, I’ve looked into it. Why don’t I just transfer earlier than planned to my local university, you ask? Well because I have to have a certain amount of hours to transfer, and it’s BEYOND expensive. I can take two classes at my current college (books included) for the price of one class at my local university (books not included). And, my FAFSA Pell Grant will not cover everything I need. So, I’m trying to get as much done before I transfer in hopes of avoiding having to take out a huge student loan.

So this means that if I do decide to apply for this job, I’ll have to take a break from school. Or, see if a machine position is available on a weekend-only shift. My current schedule for the fall has me at my college twice a week by 3 pm. This interferes with the potential office job hours. But if my husband doesn’t find something by the middle of August, I will probably have to withdrawal from the fall semester anyway because we simply can’t afford the cost of gas to get me to and from, on just my income. I could still take two online classes but I’ll still fall really behind.

Simply put, we put all of our eggs in one basket, and someone came and stomped the shit out of it. The sad part is that we should have known better. We should have double checked the requirements for the job. We should have accepted the out of town job offer to hold us over until this one came up. We should have checked into a hardship license a long time go. We should have known better. But, life doesn’t stop. And right now these are the options we have set in front of us. Hopefully, everything will work out okay. Until then, there isn’t much we can do but wait and see.

Heavy

This past weekend was heavy. I don’t think I’ve ever been smacked with as many “epiphany's” or moments of self-discovery as I was this past weekend. My non-existent pair grew a size (or two) I think. It was strange, emotional, and downright weird.

You know that moment when everything is just so crappy, and you have such a negative outlook about yourself? That moment when you don’t know whether to cry or scream? You feel as if you’re crawling in your own skin and you just want to rip it off? I get these feelings times a thousand in the form of anxiety attacks all of the time. But this past weekend instead of going into a full-fledged anxiety attack I got annoyed. I sat myself down, took some deep breaths, and poured myself a few mimosas. 

Then, I started feeling. I started to just let every single emotion I had, pour out. No worries, the babes was with my mom. After I got that out of my system, I just sat and thought. I had myself one of those “inner reflection” moments. Now, it could have been that finally everything was starting to make sense to me. Or that by this point I had already had 5 mimosas? But I knew what I needed to do. What needs to be accomplished. Who should and shouldn't be in my life. I finally felt like I had a clear direction right in front of me.

I made peace with myself. My old self. I told my husband how I felt. I spoke with some old friends. For the first time in what seems like a really really long time I felt like I was really and truly, me. I stood my ground. I said what I wanted out loud. I know I can’t force things, and life isn’t always fair. I know that obstacles will pop up. I can’t control everything. So, I just have to trust myself to make the best decisions that I possibly can. I have to follow my heart, and always stay true to myself.

I have so many things to accomplish. I have a life to live. I have a daughter to raise and a marriage that isn’t perfect but it won’t ever be. I’m ok with this. I need to learn to let go. Things won’t get better or work out for me overnight. It takes time, hard work, and a lot of faith. I can’t stress on the future, or life will just pass me by. Good things are/will happen for us. And even though it doesn’t always seem like it, I'm on the right path. 

Explanations and a Birthday

I have been such a downer, huh? On Monday I was feeling so crappy! So I did a three part post and set it to automatically go up on Tuesday. I don’t like talking badly about my spouse or really getting into personal problems too much. However, I’m not one to be ashamed of my life, and I’m certainly not going to fake happiness. It’s not in my nature. So, I wrote those three posts as a way to share with you, MY POINT OF VIEW of what’s going on in my life. It’s not for me to put my husband in any kind of bad light because to be quite honest, I have changed. I have changed so much in just the past few months, it’s insane. I’m a confusing mess, and my signals are all crossed.

I’m not bailing him out completely though. We are both at fault for the problems and roadblocks that have recently sprung up in our marriage. I’m a communicator, and he is not. And it takes two, to make a marriage work. I’m very verbal about my issues, and he kind of likes to “put a blanket” over them and pretend they’re not there. We’ve always been like this, so really, this is not surprising to me. But, after a whole day of texting (we both work) back and forth how we felt, we took the rest of the afternoon to think about how we each felt. We went about our normal routine, and once Emery was down for the night, we calmly talked it over.

We aren’t separating. We aren’t getting a divorce. We are working on us.

As for me, well, I still have no idea what’s wrong with me. I don’t know if I’m just having mild anxiety episodes, or maybe depression is trying to claw its way back into my life? Either way, I need to get past this. I don’t want to go see a doctor because all they do is give you some pills, and I just don’t believe in that. YOU have to make yourself happy, you can’t rely on drugs. Those are a temporary fix, and so hard to come off of. But, I’m not completely scratching that option out for the future. I’m going to exercise more, and start taking my vitamins again. Really try to get all the junk food out of my system, and start taking care of myself. Then, if that doesn’t work I just might have to get myself some happy pills.

While I was thinking about things on Tuesday, I realized that I really need to focus on ME. I was so busy focusing on being the perfect mom and trying to be the perfect wife that I ended up losing myself in the process. I was so worried about pleasing everyone else! Living someone else's standards. So, I need to get back to the basics. I need to get back to me. Slowly, but surely I’m hoping I’ll find my way there. I’m hoping I’ll discover who I really am and be content with that.

Also, Tuesday was my little cousin's birthday. Happy Birthday Niselda, our beautiful Angel! She would have been 19 years old. I can’t believe how fast the time has gone by. Three years since she’s been gone. Three years. Still, it feels like it was forever ago. There isn’t a day that goes by that I don’t think about her. The Mav’s won on Sunday and they were her favorite team. She would have been so proud, so excited. Every day that I go to and from work, I see the cross. Her cross. And even though it doesn’t make me cry the way it used to, I still feel so sad. Some days I catch myself thinking she never left. I’ll go off wondering if the family will get together and if they are going to come. When I say they, I include her as well. Sometimes I’ll walk into Cici’s half expecting her to still be there. Or other times I'll randomly say something like "Is Niselda coming?" or "I wonder how Niselda's doing?" before remembering. I have never said this to her family, or any of my other cousins because I remember when I'm with them. When I see them and she's not with them. I remember. It’s crazy how the mind works. Oh, my lovely little girl how I miss you. ♥

The Next Step

I had this whole post typed up about how much of a funk I was in. About how I was so disappointed, and tired nowadays. How emotionally I was feeling so off base. But, I want to skip over the whole disappointed part. I just have to shake it off! Get back into my routine, and just keep on going full steam ahead! But at the same time, I need to slow down.

Lately, I have been so tired and I have no idea why. I’ve been getting these major migraines too, and I think it’s because of me quitting sugar and then jumping back into it with a vengeance. Then stopping again. I almost fell asleep at work yesterday (even with a sugar boost), and when I was running I kept wanting to close my eyes! Then, my legs gave out at 1.5 miles. Which never happens! My legs were in pain yesterday, but a different kind of pain than usual. And my right arm broke out in hives. It was weird. But I showered, went over to our friends for a little while, and then came home to watch an episode of Glee before going to bed. My legs giving out was my first clue that I should slow down. Let my body recover before starting up again.

My diet is just blah. I’m having a hard time finding time to prepare my meals ahead of time. So I end up with salads or wraps at lunch. Not a bad choice, but not a good one either. Still, I need to get back on the wagon. And go at it hardcore. I feel all lazy and fat because I haven’t been keeping it up like I should. I think that might also be why I’m so tired. So here’s to hoping I get my motivation back!

Next Monday, I will be headed to a community college close by to talk to admissions about what my steps need to be to get back into school. I need some direction (instruction) on what to do next. And I feel that someone there can probably help me out with this! I am wanting to do online classes because like I stated before, making that drive back and forth would hurt our pockets so bad. And I’ve been looking at what they have to offer online, and I’m hoping that this will end up being a good fit. So, next Monday after Emery’s doctor appointment, I’ll be making the hour-long drive. I want to aim for a goal of starting school NEXT spring. And that’s just to give me some room to study and either take the tests I need or go through the whole GED route. Also, I got my husband thinking about Full Sail University! They have a lot of distance learning choices and a lot of different music based degrees! He loves music! Loves recording, writing, learning. The man can pick up an instrument and teach himself how to use it. He’s also been using a recording program called Fruity Loops, and so far he’s done really well with learning how to use it. So, I think it would be a great idea for him to try it out. Not saying that he will, but I hope he at least thinks about it.

Anyway, that’s about all the updates so far.I’m dabbling with watermarks on photos to see which one I want to use, so forgive me for all of the randoms. Once I get one that I like, I’ll change all of them. Nothing else is new. Daily life has gotten a bit more quiet, my husband is still licking his wounds, and Emery is sprouting. Seriously that little girl needs to stop! I miss my little baby that wanted to cuddle all of the time. She was replaced by a very demanding, independent, and always on the go toddler. Well, almost toddler. It’s a little saddening. Anyway, I hope everyone is doing well! 

A Weekend With No Pictures!

This weekend was exactly what I needed. It was not by any means “slow”, but it was very laid back. I’m still aiming for a weekend where my car does not move from the spot I left it after coming home on Friday.

Not sure if I had mentioned before that some of our friends moved back after being stationed in Hawaii for a year. They arrived last Tuesday, and it has been nice to just walk down the road and have another couple/parent friends so close by. We’ve missed them, and it’s nice for them to be back in Texas. So, Friday night they threw a small coming home party. Beer, and music. I had a few beers, and then sat and enjoyed the music being played. My husband brought over his equipment and was recording them, and at the end of the night, he was playing the drums with them! It was such a nice, fun, drama free evening. We made it home by 11:30 pm, and unfortunately my husband had to be up at 7 am. Still, he was having fun and even when I asked if he wanted to leave around 10 pm, he said he wanted to stay.  I have no pictures from the night! I voluntarily left my camera at home and my cell phone in the car. I didn’t want to be distracted or worry about anything. I did check my phone twice to make sure my mother didn’t call, but other than that I just ENJOYED myself.  Much needed.

Saturday, I spent most of my day at home. Laundry and a bit of cleaning. Then that afternoon I went and bought some groceries (Em was down to two jars of baby food), and ended up getting her a little pool too. But with this random Texas weather, she has yet to be able to play in it. :-( Maybe sometime this week though? Then, Saturday night, we went over to a new friend of ours house to celebrate his wife’s graduation! The first half of the party included kids, but the second part was for adults. So the kids that were in attendance were picked up, and we ended up heading out because my husband was having to work on Sunday as well. Still, we enjoyed some good food, meeting new people, and being able to have Emery along was wonderful. Everyone absolutely loved her!  So that was a good night too. We were home by 12 am.

Sunday, Emery and I slept in till 9 (which hasn’t happened since right after she was born!!) My poor hubby had to go to work at 6 am, so I felt pretty bad. I’m sure Emery could have slept longer but once I saw that it was that “late” I got up and started getting ready for the day. Once my husband got home we were off to his grandmother’s for a cookout! We spent most of the afternoon relaxing, catching up with his side of the family, eating some really good burgers (brownies for dessert), and watching “My Big Fat Greek Wedding”. We made our way home around 4 pm and off to our friends again to just hang out before calling it a day. Emery got to play with their daughter, and some new friends of our little girl (she’s 9 months). She was also able to see the miniature horses, and run around in the yard. We went home around 7 pm and she was OUT for the night. We all climbed into bed and I started on Glee Season One (I had started it before but never finished it).

It was such a nice weekend. And just like Friday, I have no pictures of the rest of the weekend because I was just enjoying myself. Enjoying my family. I was catching my breath and relaxing. I feel a lot better about things this week. I feel a bit rested, and fully capable of facing whatever is coming our way; good or bad. I can handle it and I will overcome it.

Speaking of overcoming things. This weekend my husband and I talked about the incident from last weekend and he’s still only remembering bits and pieces from the night. Some he says are completely blacked out. But he thinks there was someone else involved with the phone incident. Because he remembers giving someone (who shall remain nameless) money for what he thinks was the phone. And like I’ve said before I not once saw him going through anyone’s purse (where the “victim” claims she had left it). Not only that but when we were there that person came in for ten minutes and then left for about an hour. When she returned, we had only stayed about 30 minutes more before leaving. That was not enough time for my husband to dig through a purse, delete all the contacts/pictures/ media, and get rid of the SIM card (which needs a tool because it’s an iPhone). Especially not when on Xanex and drunk. Trust me! Then, we found out some new details about why exactly he was being “blamed”, along with a few other people telling us that they KNOW (or have the suspicion)  that it wasn’t my husband. So the pieces are just not clicking! My husband doesn’t really remember much, and despite me trying to get to the bottom of it, he feels we should just let it go. He says that no one will listen because they only hear what they want. He says it won't restore our good name. It won't undo what was done. And I won’t argue because that’s exactly how these people are. So, he says that whether he took it or not he’ll still face the consequences. I am standing by him. Proudly. And like I said before, we’ll be ok.

Things are good, we are good. We are moving on.  

Taking A Step Back

It has been pouring today. I love the rain. I love how dark it gets. I love the sound of it on the tin roof. God is definitely good. I know from my previous posts that, that last sentence was probably the last thing you expected to hear come out of me today. But, after letting all of those frustrations out, and after really thinking about things, I’ve decided to give myself a day. Today, I will eat whatever I want (in moderation), and I will give out explanations to the people I think we deserve to give one to. I will let myself be a bit angry and sad. I will allow my husband to sulk. I will go home to rest, relax, and love on my family. But after today, it’s on to the next thing. Moving on with life.

We are only human. We will make mistakes. We will have good times and bad ones. Unexpected things will happen. We will do wrong and we will be wronged. We will do good and we will be treated well. We will have such joyful moments and some hard mournful ones. People will love us and say wonderful things about us. Others will hate us and say awful things about us. But such is life. And no matter what we must live, learn, forgive, forget, and move onward. I am at peace with this.

I must not take things for granted. I must enjoy my family, my true friends, and the time we have together. And so long as we try to better ourselves, I refuse to worry about what others think about me and my family. I must leave things in God’s hands, and only worry about what he thinks of us. So after today, it’s back to positive thinking, back to eating healthy, and back to my old self. Because in all honesty, we (my family), are the only ones that really truly matter to me. If we’re healthy and happy, there is nothing more I should need.

And I’m definitely OK with that. 

p/s Thank you Rach for praying for me.

I really appreciate it, and was definitely in need of it.

Please don't stop either, I feel we are about to go through 

some pretty difficult/stressful times. 

p/s/s Please keep Ronan's family in your prayers as well.