Heavy

This past weekend was heavy. I don’t think I’ve ever been smacked with as many “epiphany's” or moments of self-discovery as I was this past weekend. My non-existent pair grew a size (or two) I think. It was strange, emotional, and downright weird.

You know that moment when everything is just so crappy, and you have such a negative outlook about yourself? That moment when you don’t know whether to cry or scream? You feel as if you’re crawling in your own skin and you just want to rip it off? I get these feelings times a thousand in the form of anxiety attacks all of the time. But this past weekend instead of going into a full-fledged anxiety attack I got annoyed. I sat myself down, took some deep breaths, and poured myself a few mimosas. 

Then, I started feeling. I started to just let every single emotion I had, pour out. No worries, the babes was with my mom. After I got that out of my system, I just sat and thought. I had myself one of those “inner reflection” moments. Now, it could have been that finally everything was starting to make sense to me. Or that by this point I had already had 5 mimosas? But I knew what I needed to do. What needs to be accomplished. Who should and shouldn't be in my life. I finally felt like I had a clear direction right in front of me.

I made peace with myself. My old self. I told my husband how I felt. I spoke with some old friends. For the first time in what seems like a really really long time I felt like I was really and truly, me. I stood my ground. I said what I wanted out loud. I know I can’t force things, and life isn’t always fair. I know that obstacles will pop up. I can’t control everything. So, I just have to trust myself to make the best decisions that I possibly can. I have to follow my heart, and always stay true to myself.

I have so many things to accomplish. I have a life to live. I have a daughter to raise and a marriage that isn’t perfect but it won’t ever be. I’m ok with this. I need to learn to let go. Things won’t get better or work out for me overnight. It takes time, hard work, and a lot of faith. I can’t stress on the future, or life will just pass me by. Good things are/will happen for us. And even though it doesn’t always seem like it, I'm on the right path. 

Cry It Out

 More Like SCREAM BLOODY MURDER!

OK, I've been reading a lot of different blogs that advocate the “Cry It Out” method for sleep time. And this sounds, lovely. I mean, to be able to have our own bed back would be auh-mazing! To not get kicks to the head because somehow my daughter miraculously turned herself around would be fantastic on a level you couldn’t even imagine (or some of you can)!! But here’s my problem- SHE CRIES SCREAMS!! It's not just these little-muffled cries, I’m talking about screams! She hates being in her crib. It's like she's terrified of being alone. I’ve left her in there for 30 minutes and I kid you not that little monster NEVER stopped crying screaming. She paused TWICE just to catch her breath. And it's hard to tell the difference between her angry screams and her terrified screams because they're pretty much the same. So what am I doing wrong people?

I know I probably should not have “co-slept” due to the SIDS risk, but breastfeeding was so much easier like that! And in my defense, I hardly knew anything about SIDS then. –Yes, I know, shame on me.- I’m sorry! I woke up at every little move Em made and I always slept with no pillow and only one sheet (which was kept at my waist for the most part). Once it got cold, Em was put in one of those swaddling suits and slept on top of the covers on her back. So I should get some brownie points for that, no? And now, I’m sidetracking...

Anywho, I’ve been trying to let her cry scream, but it gets to be too much. And that face! O..m...g the face she makes is like you completely broke her heart which is something we as parents aren't supposed to do, right? We're supposed to want to prevent heartbreaks, right? I try to not look at her when she’s crying screaming but sometimes after about 20 minutes it sounds like she’s heaving so I peek, and then I’m a goner. My weakness, I guess. Then, if we finally get her to sleep and put her in her crib, she wakes up at some random hour and she’ll start crying. We keep a night light on, but even if we wait a few minutes her cries don’t dwindle down like most babies, they get higher. And I don’t know about you, but a child crying very loudly at 2:45 am is the LAST thing you want to deal with. And I’m sure my brother (who has to wake up at 4 am) and my husband (who has to be up at 5 am) really don’t want to be awakened by a screaming child. So, I pick her up and bring her to bed with me. She falls right to sleep and doesn’t wake up again till 6 am when it’s time for us to get up for the day. But get this, if I let her sleep with us, she’s out from 8 pm till 6 am (unless she’s sick or she falls asleep earlier than 8 pm).

So what should I do? Keep trying the CIO method and pray that somehow she starts to self-soothe? This will have me waking up throughout the night because now that I am up to speed on SIDS, I worry way too much. I peak in to see if she’s not on her tummy if her paci’s still in her mouth, and I get eye level with her mattress to make sure I can see her breathing. -Yup, I’m that mother.- So, in that time between 8 pm and the random hour of 2:45 am I can’t sleep comfortably because I’m waking up to constantly check on her. Or should I continue as is and just deal with the kicks? Because that seems to be the only way I can get a somewhat good nights sleep. But in the end, it will lead to some more difficult times ahead once she gets older and does have to sleep in her own bed...?

Oh, decisions, decisions.