Heavy

This past weekend was heavy. I don’t think I’ve ever been smacked with as many “epiphany's” or moments of self-discovery as I was this past weekend. My non-existent pair grew a size (or two) I think. It was strange, emotional, and downright weird.

You know that moment when everything is just so crappy, and you have such a negative outlook about yourself? That moment when you don’t know whether to cry or scream? You feel as if you’re crawling in your own skin and you just want to rip it off? I get these feelings times a thousand in the form of anxiety attacks all of the time. But this past weekend instead of going into a full-fledged anxiety attack I got annoyed. I sat myself down, took some deep breaths, and poured myself a few mimosas. 

Then, I started feeling. I started to just let every single emotion I had, pour out. No worries, the babes was with my mom. After I got that out of my system, I just sat and thought. I had myself one of those “inner reflection” moments. Now, it could have been that finally everything was starting to make sense to me. Or that by this point I had already had 5 mimosas? But I knew what I needed to do. What needs to be accomplished. Who should and shouldn't be in my life. I finally felt like I had a clear direction right in front of me.

I made peace with myself. My old self. I told my husband how I felt. I spoke with some old friends. For the first time in what seems like a really really long time I felt like I was really and truly, me. I stood my ground. I said what I wanted out loud. I know I can’t force things, and life isn’t always fair. I know that obstacles will pop up. I can’t control everything. So, I just have to trust myself to make the best decisions that I possibly can. I have to follow my heart, and always stay true to myself.

I have so many things to accomplish. I have a life to live. I have a daughter to raise and a marriage that isn’t perfect but it won’t ever be. I’m ok with this. I need to learn to let go. Things won’t get better or work out for me overnight. It takes time, hard work, and a lot of faith. I can’t stress on the future, or life will just pass me by. Good things are/will happen for us. And even though it doesn’t always seem like it, I'm on the right path.