Wordless Wednesday

A Book Review- It Ends With Us

I read this book back at the beginning of August. I figured I'd start at that point, and work my way forward maybe once or twice a month for my posts. If you want to keep up-to-date with what books I read, as I'm reading them, you can find me on GoodReads. :)


It Ends with Us by Colleen Hoover
My rating: 5 of 5 stars

This book was amazing! Forget reading anything about it. Go in blind. You won't regret it. There are very few authors who can really draw me into a story the way Colleen does with hers. It's hard to explain, but it's in the way that you can feel the emotions coming off of the pages. I still have yet to find many other writers who can do this as effectively as she can, and usually within the first few paragraphs. The only other author I can think of is Gayle Forman. But with It Ends with Us I feel like Colleen is setting the bar even higher. She's taking us to a whole other level. And to you Colleen, I just want to say: Thank You.

The story: First let me just say that Colleen gave us a really big part of herself in this book guys. It will stay with you, I promise. I dove into this book without reading the blurb, or any reviews. I saw the cover, read Colleen's name, and clicked buy. Best. Decision. Ever. This story sucked me in within the first page, and I'm still recovering from it now that I'm done. I'm recovering from the choices these characters were faced with as well as the ones that eventually had to be made. I'm recovering from what was brought to light by Colleen with this book. It's a voice, y'all. One that needed to be heard. And that's all I'll say about the story because as I stated before you should definitely walk into this one blind. The epilogue did tie things up nicely for us, and even though it rounds the story out I do hope we get a little bit more of that particular story one day. (Pretty Please?!) Still, if this is all we get then just know that the journey comes full circle.

Now onto the characters: Ryle made me feel butterflies. He exuded confidence, and also made me grieve for what he went through. His character went in a direction that I kept begging for it not to. But I understood why it did. I knew that his story, though it made me a bit uncomfortable, was necessary for the readers to see. I fell in love with him right along with Lily. Lily brought goodness with her character. A little naive at times, but her heart was in the right place. I understood why she felt the way she did, and I commended her for sticking up for herself. But I also felt the love she had. I felt the confusion, the heartbreak, the sorrow, the hesitation, and the joy as if it were my own. And finally, Atlas. The character who is in this book from start to finish, but not necessarily in the way that you would think. Atlas is the boy who turns into a man, and we know that it wasn't the easiest journey for him to end up where he finally did. His presence is felt throughout it all even when he's not in it if that makes any sense? He is just...he is amazing, and I have no idea how Colleen pulled that off? We do get a nice handful of side characters to really round out the story and give it more depth. Allysa and Marshall were adorable, and Lily's mother I knew from the beginning was a strong women despite her actions (or lack of). Now, maybe it's because I've been in similar situations or have known others that went through what some of these characters did that makes it feel more personal, I don't know? But I felt it all. It was relatable, and understandable with just a "hint of fiction" to bring you back when you felt like things were getting "too real".

So, I'm giving this book 5 stars. There was very little, if anything at all, that I didn't like. This was a book I couldn't put down. It was a story that I know all too well, though not exactly in the same way, as it's stated "Every situation is different." However, it's a story that needed to be told. It was a glimpse that needed to be shown of just how gray this world can be for us. We don't know the circumstance of anyone else's story but our own, and because of that we shouldn't always assume that others are better or weaker. It's not always black and white. And ultimately, we have to decide what we want, and what we won't accept from others as well as ourselves.

Listen

Control

I have no idea how I ever let things get as bad as they did. Or have. I've come up with excuses like: "Love", "Duties", "Marriage", "Friendship", and "Anger". I've told myself countless times that they're just words. Sometimes they're necessary. They allow you to become thick skinned. They usually mean nothing to me because the person's opinion, who spews the hurtful words at me, doesn't matter. Doesn't affect me. "No skin off my nose," I say. But sometimes it's a bit jarring when the words come from someone you care about. Someone who you trust with your heart. It can feel a lot like sticking your hands into iced water. Sometimes that hurt causes you to crack. You feel deserving of that treatment. Of those words. Because here stands a person who holds your trust, and they wouldn't be breaking you down like this if it wasn't deserved, would they? And each time it happens, each time something is said, it feels like you're running your heart over splinters.

If you've been here with me for awhile, you know that it's been one hell of a year. You know how devastated I was. How awful I felt about the state of my marriage. You know about what I went through. And I've even given a few examples of the colorful words I had yelled at me repeatedly before. Y'all know. So when I started counseling, and my counselor told me that it was a form of abuse I just brushed it off. "They're just words Drew," I would say when he'd suggest it. My husband didn't mean what he was saying. He was just angry. He was just lashing out. He wasn't himself. Then I wrote this post about taking responsibility for your actions, and how some people would weigh in on the matter by dismissing what he had done (physically) on the grounds that he was not sober. My response was usually along the lines of "Well, now wait, that still doesn't make it okay. Maybe easier to forgive, but not okay." So why in the world was I making excuses for the verbal insults? You see, what I didn't mention then is how that particular treatment never stopped. How even sober those words would still get used. Before the separation, and even after we decided to try working through things. Maybe it wasn't as frequent as before. Maybe there were apologies given afterwards. But it never fully stopped. 

I can sit here, and make excuses until I'm blue in the face. I can sit here, and turn a blind eye like I've always done in the past. I can sit here, and proclaim love as the reason for why I tolerate it. Some would agree that I'm doing the right thing by working through this while others would want to shake me as they simultaneously tell me to run. "Go! Get away. Why would you put up with this?" And the honest to God truth is that I have no idea yet. Subconsciously, somewhere buried really fucking deep, is the answer. But I haven't dug far enough down to figure it out. I have no idea why I allow myself to stay rooted. I have no idea why the thought of ending my marriage left me so paralyzed with fear in the past. Or why I tell myself on the bad days that I'm trying for a reason: to make things work, and that won't happen overnight. I have no idea why I don't stand up for myself, or when I finally feel like I should raise my voice and yell "ENOUGH!" I bite my tongue instead. I bite down so hard in order to keep the words from spilling out, and I just let them sink into my bones. It's not because I wouldn't have a place to go, or a way to provide for myself and my daughter. I have both of those things. It's not because I feel that I deserve the treatment. I don't, and I know it. It's not because I view this as what love should be like. My parents taught me what love is supposed to be like, and it looks nothing like my relationship. So what then?

In my last session, my counselor told me it was a form of addiction. The way other people become addicted to drugs, alcohol, or pornography I've become attached to my spouse in the same way. I do not know how to separate him from me. For some reason my brain has rationalized that this is normal. I don't view it the same as physical abuse when it comes to my situation. That "thick skin" of mine allows me to dismiss what is being said just by rolling my eyes, and shoving it into a mental file box to be dealt with later. When it comes to others though it's a different story. In fact, I would be right there with everyone else telling the person in a similar situation as mine to "RUN. Go! Don't let them tear you apart like this!" But my blinders are on when it comes to myself. However, I've come to realize that my husband uses this behavior as a way to keep some form of power when he feels out of control. He uses this as a way to constantly remind me of my shortcomings so that he's not the only one to blame for things. When he says that I don't try enough, or do enough it's really about him. Not me. When he calls me names, or insults me it's about him needing to reassure himself that I am the problem. I am the person acting a certain way and if I would just stop he wouldn't have to call me names, or yell. Afterall, I should just be grateful that he came back right? Because I'm not enough for anyone else. Because I am difficult. I am boring. Because I don't "get over" things. Those are all the reasons I believe he chooses to look at in order to justify his need for me to be the submissive one. It wasn't until a few weeks ago when I was being called a "BITCH", and being told to "FUCK OFF" out of anger because I wasn't able to come up with a solution to a problem in time that it hit me.

I do not value myself. 

I put everyone else, and their well-being before my own. When it came to my spouse I still viewed him as being more important. I think I've said it before that I tiptoe around him. I try not to set him off for fear that he'll relapse, or that he'll stray again. I watch what I say because I don't want him to be angry. I have this knee jerk reaction to protect him too. I accept blame for things that I shouldn't. I am constantly wanting to make his life easier. I put the responsibility of keeping him content before all. Even before my daughter if I'm being honest. I allow her to hear his insults. I allow her to see me bending over backwards for a man who may not always deserve it. I allow her to see his outburst, and my attempts to defuse them. And even though my brain tells me that it's not right. That she shouldn't see this as normal. That I don't want that for her. I stay with my feet planted in that house. Oh, how it drives me up the wall that I allow this! That I easily dismiss this kind of behavior because it doesn't happen often. I'm ashamed of that. I'm so angry with myself for feeling defenseless when I know damn well I have power. I can have control too. I could finally speak up, and say "THAT'S ENOUGH!" I could put my foot down, and tell him to start playing by the rules we agreed to in the first place, or he can get the fuck out. I could walk out that damn door right now with our daughter at my side, and we'd be okay. I could move on from this, and live a good life without him in it. I know all of this. I was on the verge of doing all of this. And yet...I don't. I sit there with my hands in my lap, eyes on the floor, and my tongue between my teeth. I allow it.  

Sometimes Music Helps

The past few weeks I've been waking up 4 out of 5 days with a headache. Yesterday was one of those days. So, I kept hitting the snooze button. Before I knew it the clock read 7 AM, and I realized it was Monday. We had 30 minutes to get ready, and of course my six year old was having none of that. Finally leaving our drive 45 minutes later it was a given that we were going to be late. Thankfully, we made it through the doors of her school with two minutes to spare, and she wasn't counted as tardy. The office lady buzzed us in, and told me not to worry she could go on in. As I headed back out to try and make it to work my car jerked in the parking lot. It's been doing this a lot lately because my transmission is on the fritz. It's only a matter of time before it goes out, but I don't have the money to get it fixed. Anywho, it jerked pretty hard so I turned it off for a few minutes, and then turned it back on. It turned over without issue, and I thanked God for the little gift. Asking if I could just get another month or two before it leaves me on the side of the road because it'll be cooler by then. When I finally made it to work, I loaded up on coffee, and started with my routine. Digging through the papers, compiling separate piles, and filing before my day actually got started. An alert on my phone went off about the bills that were due today, and the anxiety set in. "Here we go," I thought.

On my lunch break I had to make my way to the bank. As I was driving my phone automatically connected to the bluetooth adapter I use to listen to music, or answer calls while driving. Right as I made it into town, this song started playing on it's own, and it's as if the universe knew I needed to hear it. I smiled. I'm talking, ear to ear. I turned the volume up, and I started singing along. And I just had this moment of pure bliss. Uninterrupted, happiness. If there's any artist out there that can make me feel like things aren't so bad, and that it's okay to take deep breaths it would be this guy. All of his work is pretty damn magical in my eyes. My day instantly started to feel better if that makes sense? I felt like anyone could keep piling onto the crap pile, and it still wouldn't phase me. They did; it didn't. My smile was still there. The rest of his (and his other bands) albums played in the background, and I just sat on this cloud. I felt productive. I felt content. I felt like life wasn't all that stressful.

Isn't it amazing how music can do that for you? Obviously, this doesn't work all of the time or with every artist we listen to. But how cool is it to find those gems every once in awhile that really move you? The ones whose lyrics speak to you, and their voice's give you goosebumps. There are a handful of bands, or artists that can turn off the world for me. Brian  Fallon is one of them. And on the days I've really needed it music has helped. It has been a life line. It has been a soundtrack. It can take me back, or allow me to look ahead. And yesterday I was so grateful to have that. To be able to feel that relief. To just smile and enjoy my day. 

Wordless Wednesday

GoodReads

I love books. I remember always riding the bus to and from school with my nose practically glued to one. They were my adventures. They were my escapes. They offered up excitement for a girl growing up in a small town. Some of my first crushes even came out of the pages of my first Sweet Valley High book. Nowadays, we adults call them "book boyfriends". :) Then, when I was in Jr. High I had a wonderful librarian that nurtured that side of me from my very first visit/tour of our school library. She would always recommend new books to me, and allowed me to check out more at a time than was normally allowed. If there was ever a time when I needed to just be alone, to finish up a good book, she allowed me to do so before the doors were officially opened. Recently, this wonderful librarian passed away, and in her obituary there were a few lines that expressed how much she loved that job. Interacting with the kids, and helping them explore the adventure of reading. Looking back I wish I had gone back before she retired and told her just how grateful I was for her generosity. So, that's why I felt like I should write a bit more about my love for books right now. Why I should never stop reading, even if it's just a newspaper or blog posts, and hopefully work on passing this love along to my daughter.

The genres I'm currently interested in are more along the lines of "New Adult", "Romance", and a tad of the good ole' "Erotic" smut. What can I say, I'm a hopeless romantic that likes some kinky shit thrown in every once in awhile? Anyway, one of my favorite authors is Gayle Forman and she's ignited this wanderlust in me that I can't shake. I've always had this want to see other places, and explore other cultures. But her stories are always so well crafted, and set in various countries that she usually leaves me wishing I could buy a plane ticket to whatever country her most recent novel is set in and experience it first hand. Another lovely author that gets me hooked from paragraph one would be Colleen Hoover. Her most recent work was so captivating. It was a book about a pretty important issue, and something I've experienced myself. It wasn't glorified or vilified, but there was such understanding in it that I basically cried like a baby after reading her personal inspiration for the story. Obviously, there are a few other hiddens gems by authors who are less well known in the book world. Likewise there are some that people rave about, and once I finally get a chance to read them I'm left wonder what all the fuss was about? Still, I love to read. I love to explore the different stories that take place within the pages. 

Now, I haven't done a book review on here in awhile. That's not to say I haven't actually written some. My favorite website that has all things book related would be *GoodReads, and I'm usually consistently active on there. I think that's mainly because I'm always reading something, or on the hunt for something else to read. Anyway, if you're not familiar with the website it's actually really great at discovering recommendations based on the books that you've already read or liked. You're also able to join book clubs, or friend other users that have common book interests.  If you want to make it interesting you can even add those that have zero in common in order to broaden your reading material options. Another great feature is that a lot of authors interact with readers through this platform as well. They give reviews, hold Q&A's, and even do giveaways. But what I think I enjoy the most is getting to read reviews before purchasing a book. The flip side to this is that you're also able to leave your own reviews for others to see, update your progress, and rate the book once you're finished.The website just received a new makeover too which offers an easier to navigate live feed, and it's also really tied in with Amazon Kindle. If you're not on the whole Kindle bandwagon don't fret because it offers up other options like Barnes & Noble, and a variety of other book publishing companies. Anywho, if you have an account definitely add me! If you don't, and you're an avid reader you should definitely check it out! 

Recently I discovered a pretty cool feature that allows me to embed the reviews I post there right onto this blog of mine. I know that's been an option since forever, but only recently did I actually look into how it really works. Now that I've gotten it figured out I just might post some of these reviews from time to time. So many plans, I know! I'm currently working on that Q&A with the little, and I've started to draft some more writing prompts from the Trent Shelton quotes so it'll all come along eventually. Fingers crossed. Until the next post! 

*This is not a sponsored post. I just really enjoy GoodReads and thought to pass it along.

Listen

Here's A Post From My Drafts

Today something clicked. Something snapped, almost like a rubber band that's being stretched out too far, and I felt so incredibly naive. I knew that everything going on was because of me, and not in the way that you're probably thinking. Still, I'm at fault for something. Something that has the potential to tip me over.  I'll write about it later. I'll post about it later. But I went through my drafts for some inspiration, or maybe just to read some words that I had started but never published. I came across this post from last month. For some reason or another I didn't hit publish. 

I remember exactly how I felt that day. I recall exactly what happened too. My confusion was at an all time high that day. My emotions were all over the place. I remember the adrenaline pumping through my body. The event that took place, should have been a wake up call for me, but it took only a few hours for me to dismiss it. I can say that once the day had passed I was closer to seeing that "line drawn in the sand" more clearly though. I was pretty close to understanding what I ended up realizing today, but obviously I just wasn't ready to push myself in order to get there. Today however I am so many things all at once. It all came crashing down. It was everything I felt on that day last month, and then some.

Something in my head clicked over today. It's caused me to question so much. It feels like I'm having a lot of thoughts, and emotions shoved inside of me, and then being told to figure out why they were all put there. I need to dissect the feelings that are associated with each of the questions I'm asking myself with an overwhelming amount of truth, and honesty because that's the ONLY way to get anywhere.  But the thoughts aren't in order. It's all really random right now. It's fresh, and raw. Jumbled. How I feel right now may change in the next second. So I can't write about that now. Not until I'm sure. Not until I know. So instead, I'm giving you this. A half finished post about wishing that I had no free will because that would make life easier, and at that very moment easy was what I needed. And today, in a really intense moment of anxiety, I kind of wished for the same. 

First Grade

The little's first day of school was back in August. We attended a meet the teacher the week before, and she seemed really excited. But this was different. Even I felt the difference. A bigger school; less interaction with the teacher. Less information. We walked around the halls as soon as I was done with the forms that needed my signature, and everything felt different. 

The real surprise came when the first day actually arrived. She woke up early, jumped out of bed, and was already getting dressed before our second alarm (the real one) actually went off. She gushed about being able to see her friends, and how excited she was to get there. On the drive over she was bouncing in her seat, proudly holding her lunchbox, and singing along to Dove Cameron. That's where the smiles faded though. Parents are allowed to walk their kids to class, so I was prepared to stay for a little while, but as we entered the building we were instructed to head for the gym. Her smile started to falter, and her grip became tighter. As we sat in the gym, her smile disappeared as the minutes ticked by. A few tears began to run down her cheeks, but she sniffled and wiped them away. She asked me repeatedly if I could stay with her at school for her first day, and I kept telling her that I wished with everything that I could. But mommy has to work. And as we were finally allowed to walk into their home-room she was clinging to me, squeezing, and whispering that she wanted to go home.

As we said our hellos to the teacher, and I started to help her put her supplies in her desk the tears just started to pour. "Mom, can I please just go home? Mommy, please don't make me stay. I'll be a good girl, I promise! I'm not ready mommy. I'm not ready. Please take me back home," she begged. It took everything I had in me to not pick her up right then and there, and take her back with me. She cried so hard, and she held on so tight. The teacher, and a helper had to help me uncurl her fingers so I could walk away. And I cried on my way to work. I hated doing that. I hated leaving her when she felt so scared. But I knew it was for the best. I knew that after that first day she would be fine. 

That didn't keep me from feeling like complete, and total shit that day though. I remember when I was little I was bullied on the bus, and at school. My aunt had to force me, physically onto the bus every morning, and there were instances where I would try to make a break for it back off of it. That was met with spankings, and eventually an older cousin of mine had to physically hold me down. So her reaction brought up a lot of memories for me. I sat at my desk counting down the minutes until I would see her again. When the day finally ended for her, and I was there to pick her up she told me that her first day wasn't that bad. She still missed me, all day, but it wasn't that bad. So, I told her I would be there to pick her up as soon as her days were over so she would always have that to look forward to. It took about a week for the tears to stop in the mornings. And another week before she could walk the crosswalk into the building without me. 

But now? Now she smiles. She tells me that she can't wait for me to get her that afternoon, because she always misses me, but that she's ready for school. She gives me a kiss on the cheek and wishes me a good day, "I love you," she says. "I love you too," I respond. I can tell that she's ready to take on her day, and her little brown eyes just light up. When I've made sure that she's crossed along with the other kids I wait as she turns around, and waves before heading inside. And my heart stops for a beat. And that saying that goes something along the lines of: "Having kids is like watching your own heart walk around outside of your rib cage." really hits me. I've felt it before certainly, but lately it's been magnified. The reality that time is not stopping, and that she's only going to get more and more independent is starting to really intensify. And it's scary knowing that there is so much bad at out there that I can't protect her from forever. There are times when I wish I could just do away with every future heartbreak, disappointment, and obstacle. But that's not how it works. For now, I'm just soaking everything up. Letting these moments embed themselves into my heart. I try to savor it. Every damn day. So, I stay at that crosswalk until I see her open the doors, and walk inside. Then I take a deep breath, turn around, and I move.