Motherhood // Thirteen

This age has come with frustration, rewards, pride, confusion, annoyance, and joy. All mixed into one. This has been the year that I’ve really noticed my and Emery’s relationship shifting. Navigating these changes has come with many challenges - some denial on my part too. I mean, yes, she’s getting older. Yes, she’s starting to have her own opinions. Yes, we disagree a lot more. And yes, there’s that pushing of boundaries. She's also having to figure out who she is, as her own person - apart from her family unit. So, I’ve come to find that when people say the teenage years are rough, they are not kidding. Even for the most well-behaved kids out there, these years seem to be harder for parents. And for me, sometimes it feels like the changes happened overnight - I blinked.

Emery is now two inches taller than me. She’s a social butterfly and 85% of the time she’s really extroverted. She’s learning how to drive. She constantly talks about “hating” her nose - which looks like mine. She doesn’t like to “hang out” with me very often - opting to stay home rather than go anywhere with me. Her taste in music is constantly evolving, and so is her taste in movies/shows. She’s starting to have crushes on boys and has questions/concerns about dating (in the future). She’s figuring out who her friends are, and who are only around so they can talk badly about what they’ve learned. She says “no” more and talks back. Sometimes there’s more sass coming from her than I know what to do with, and it’s during those instances that the reality of how different we are is on full display. Sometimes it's frustrating. I hear some of the same phrases I used to dish out to my parents at that age. Then the feelings/memories of how I felt come rushing back and I know exactly how she feels. However, now I'm seeing things from the eyes of a parent. And that's when I call my mom and apologize for the hell I put her through - for the millionth time.

All of that said, there are still moments when my little baby comes out. When she’s sick and wants me to lay in bed with her until she falls asleep. When she performs these karaoke song/dance routines for Corey and me. When she kisses my cheek before exiting the car at school drop-off. Followed by, “Bye Mom. Love you.” When she’s had a rough week, she’ll jump on me and wrap herself around me, while saying, “Just love on me, mom.” Or when she asks if we can talk. Usually about her feelings, things that are bothering her, or just opinions about something going on. It’s a more grown-up version of our old, “Mommy-Daughter talks.” Then, sometimes during car rides, she’ll randomly play a song she used to listen to when she was little - singing along to every word. And I get tears in my eyes because I can picture her in her green car seat, bopping her little head to the beat and singing at the top of her lungs. 

Thirteen, so far, has been a bittersweet age. Sometimes, I look at her, and I can’t see that chubby little toddler who dressed in bright-colored outfits and clung to my neck. Then there are some nights, while putting some of her stuff away, that she’ll be asleep and I get a brief glimpse of that little girl again. But it’s back to the young lady she’s growing into, every morning when she walks out of her room. It’s bell-bottom jeans and makeup. Her white backpack hanging across her shoulders, and cell phone in hand - she'll reach for the car keys and ask if she can drive to the end of the road. Somedays, I don’t miss a beat. We’re usually rushing out the door. Others, I stop in my tracks, and I can’t believe how fast the years went by - I blinked. 

And She Did It

In July, I finished the last two classes that I needed in order to graduate. The relief I felt when I got my final grades, would equate to that feeling you get after a long trip and you finally make it home. Back to your bed. You know, that blissful moment you have as you faceplant into your sheets? You let out that long sigh, and you’re just HOME. You’re in a place that brings you peace, and comfort. And you’re ready to jump into your stretchy pants so you can slide under your comforter and relax. THAT’S what it felt like when I got the final email stating I had passed my finals and would be graduating in August. I was officially done with the summer semester! And boy was I tired.

Those first few days I slept so well. However, the next two weeks felt odd. I had a lot more extra time, and I had no idea how I was going to fill it. My brain was just itching for a schedule. Would I catch up on reading? Go on more runs? Would I sign up for a kickboxing class? Write more? Would I work out? Would I sign up for a class - not career related? And if you’ve been around here for a while you know I enjoy consistency & routine so I started trying to fill the gaps and create a schedule. Then one afternoon someone said, “Hey, take a breath. You’ve got time.” That’s when I had to force myself to take a pause. I had been trying to do ALL of the things ALL at once. I wasn’t giving my mind or body any kind of break. And let me say, they deserved to slow down. I deserved to relax and feel calm. To destress. So, I scaled back.

“No” became a word in my vocabulary. I left work at 5 pm. I did set aside time to work out, but it’s limited to 40 minutes of movement. And then my regular runs. But that was about it. I went to work and then came home. I spent a lot of time in my PJs. I ate delicious food and spent time with my family. I made time to see my bestie while she was in Texas. And I just enjoyed not having a research paper, reading assignments, or tests. No, final looming on the horizon. It hasn’t been the easiest thing, getting out of that “go, go, go” mindset. Some days I still catch myself being in a rush. However, those days are becoming less frequent.

Then on August 11, 2023, I walked out onto the field at Memorial Stadium with the rest of my Summer 2023 class. I walked across the stage, shook our University president’s hand, and received my “diploma”. It was my first-ever graduation. I was homeschooled in high school so I didn’t have a commencement. And then I didn’t walk for my Associate’s degree, because honestly, I didn’t apply and I forgot about it. So, this was pretty important to me. And I couldn’t stop smiling on graduation day. I was just so happy, and grateful. This week I received the official email stating that my grades have been verified, I had no holds, and everything cleared. My diploma will arrive in 8 weeks. And that marked the end of my college run! At least for now. I keep getting asked if I’m going to get my Master’s, and my response is usually, “Nope.” But as the old saying goes, “Never say never.”

For now, I am just so damn proud of getting my Bachelor. I crossed the finish line with an Institutional GPA of 3.57 and an overall GPA of 3.45. All of that hard work paid off! I didn’t do it alone though. I had help, and there were sacrifices made. I wouldn’t have made it through without the love, support, help, and encouragement of my loved ones. This achievement was just as much theirs as it was mine. So, I think we’re all going to relish this moment for a bit. I mean, y’all, I freakin’ did it! I graduated!

Wordless Wednesday

Back in October, I turned 35. 

Sock Hop 2019

Last month my daughter's school had a sock hop. They had games, music, food, and of course a small dance. It was probably the cutest thing I had ever been to. All of the kids dressed up in "50's" attire, were dancing in little groups and then going around giggling. This was essentially their very first school dance. Beau was able to meet us at the school in order to attend this function so Emery was really happy about that. The majority of the parents either sat up in the bleachers or walked around trying to keep up with their kids. As soon as we walked in Emery found her two best friends and we definitely got our cardio in trying to keep up with all three. I honestly don't remember much from my first school dance. I think we had to dress up in the same style, but I don't think I had as much fun. I didn't even get up to dance. I've always been self-conscious of my body, even back then, and I think it kind of put a damper on a lot of things for me. Thankfully, this was not the case for Emery at all. 

As we sat up in the bleachers during a momentary break I sat back and watched her run around. She was beaming and laughing the entire time. She zoomed across the room to do a hula hoop contest and once that was done she was back at it with her friends dancing to the songs the DJ was playing. She played several games, and there were a lot of pictures being taken. Peace signs being thrown, and boys being chased. I was so happy watching her enjoy herself. She was surrounded by her friends, and actually getting out there in front of everyone too. She gets that from her dad, and I am so grateful. I leaned over to Beau and said, "She looks so grown up, doesn't she?" I'm pretty sure that I was tearing up as I watched her run around. "So, grown up," he replied. And we just sat there taking it all in. It's as if we were getting a little glimpse into the future. Somehow we blinked and our baby was no more. I reached over and squeezed his arm. He placed his hand on mine for a moment, and we just smiled as we watched her together. "MOM! DAD! WE HAVE TO GO TO THE OTHER BUILDING! THEY HAVE NACHOS AND COOKIES!! HURRY, LET'S GO!" Emery shouted over the music.  "WHAT?? NACHOS?!?! WELL WHAT ARE WE STILL DOING HERE?? LET'S GO!" Beau shouted back. We let go with a laugh, and off we went in search of their favorite food.

We left about ten minutes before the entire thing was over. Emery held onto her dad, and they skipped out into the parking lot. We said goodbye to a few people we knew as we made our way to the car. We gave hugs all around and said goodbye to Beau. On our way home, Emery said that she was happy we all got to go with her. She was sad that the night had to end, but not even halfway out of town she fell asleep in the back seat. Her little cat glasses thrown off to one side, one shoe off, and her scarf untied. A slight smile on her face, and a smudge of nacho cheese still on her chin. And there she was, my little baby again.  

Well, I Got A Vehicle

So, as it turned out...there were a lot of problems with Beau’s recently purchased vehicle. Problems that he wasn’t able to get fixed, and at the end wouldn’t have been worth it. Since he had just moved out, and would soon be having to figure out a way to do pickups for visitation I decided to give him my Explorer to use. I handed over the keys and headed to the city with my parents in order to purchase another vehicle for myself. 

I already had three cars on my list that I wanted to look at once we made it to the dealership. I wanted something with less than 100k miles on it and under $14k. They had two Equinoxes and a Traverse that fit my criteria, and the entire drive I kept silently praying that at least one of the vehicles would still be available once we got there. I could tell y’all the whole story, and go into great detail about the process, but that would turn this into such a long read so I'm not gonna do that. Instead, I'll just say that all of mine and my mom’s praying worked. The man that greeted us was super nice. I know it’s their job, but there was just something kind about him. He gave off some really calming vibes too which was amazing because big purchases have always given me anxiety. When we asked about our list it turned out that two of the vehicles had already been snagged up, and we got there just in time to be the first ones taking out the third vehicle for a test drive. It’s the one that I really wanted, and the most affordable (for my budget) out of all three. Once we were done with the test drive I filled out the paperwork, and then we were told that there were three other people interested in purchasing the same car. However, I was first in line due to the order in which our applications had been submitted. 

Everything went through, they had a few questions about my credit report, and after about an hour I was told that if I wanted the car it was mine. And I said yes! The last step was to go speak with financing and look into some added warranty. Thankfully, they were able to work with me and I got monthly payments way lower than what I was expecting. I drove off the lot with my car and a huge smile on my face. I still constantly look at it in awe while giving thanks because honestly, I can’t believe I was able to get it. Within two weeks I purchased car seat covers, and heavy-duty floor mats because I have a nine-year-old. And thanks to some extra income my parents offered to have the windows tinted for me. Again, so many blessings. And while this isn’t a brand new, 2019-fancy-ass vehicle, it’s still the one that I’ve always wanted so I’m super stoked!  

She has plenty of room and cargo space that’s just big enough for my needs.  Yes, I refer to my car as a "she". Thirty-two bucks in gas will fill her up and lasts me seven to eight days. Ecoboost features are amazing. She was a single-owner vehicle and when we got the Carfax report it showed that the previous owner took very good care of her. She had routine maintenance, under the hood cleaning, and tire rotations. Thank you, to whoever previously had my girl. So, she was in really great shape for her age. Since I opted for the extra warranty, if anything were to go wrong, I opted for bumper to bumper coverage for the next two years. This will get basically anything fixed with a $100 deductible. So, I've been feeling pretty grateful lately. Lucky to have been able to purchase this on my own, and thankful for the timing that allowed me to do so. And God willing, as long as I can keep up with the same maintenance as the previous owner, this car will end up being Emery’s first car when she starts driving. My dad and I already have a plan! 

Anyway, I hope this doesn't come off as bragging. I'm just really excited to be able to share this with y'all! It's a big deal for me, and it's something I've been able to do on my own. As y'all know there have been a lot of big changes for me lately, not all happy ones, and this is just something that I feel really proud of being able to do. The day that I made my first payment my brother asked, "So how does it feel to be an independent woman who's able to keep a roof over her head, provide for her daughter, and pay for her bills all on her own?"  Now, it's no secret that I never wanted my life to take some of these turns, but when my brother asked me that question over the phone I couldn't help the smile that spread across my face. Because it feels damn good! It feels amazing to know that I've been shaken up, tossed around, and yet I'm still getting back up. I'm still surviving and pushing forward. Some days a little slower than others, but I'm doing it. I'm showing up. And I think that's what matters most. Somehow, this only slowly started to dawn on me as the really nice salesman, Paul, walked over with a huge grin on his face and placed the keys in my palm. "Congratulations, Raquel. She's all yours." 

First Grade

The little's first day of school was back in August. We attended a meet the teacher the week before, and she seemed really excited. But this was different. Even I felt the difference. A bigger school; less interaction with the teacher. Less information. We walked around the halls as soon as I was done with the forms that needed my signature, and everything felt different. 

The real surprise came when the first day actually arrived. She woke up early, jumped out of bed, and was already getting dressed before our second alarm (the real one) actually went off. She gushed about being able to see her friends, and how excited she was to get there. On the drive over she was bouncing in her seat, proudly holding her lunchbox, and singing along to Dove Cameron. That's where the smiles faded though. Parents are allowed to walk their kids to class, so I was prepared to stay for a little while, but as we entered the building we were instructed to head for the gym. Her smile started to falter, and her grip became tighter. As we sat in the gym, her smile disappeared as the minutes ticked by. A few tears began to run down her cheeks, but she sniffled and wiped them away. She asked me repeatedly if I could stay with her at school for her first day, and I kept telling her that I wished with everything that I could. But mommy has to work. And as we were finally allowed to walk into their home-room she was clinging to me, squeezing, and whispering that she wanted to go home.

As we said our hellos to the teacher, and I started to help her put her supplies in her desk the tears just started to pour. "Mom, can I please just go home? Mommy, please don't make me stay. I'll be a good girl, I promise! I'm not ready mommy. I'm not ready. Please take me back home," she begged. It took everything I had in me to not pick her up right then and there, and take her back with me. She cried so hard, and she held on so tight. The teacher, and a helper had to help me uncurl her fingers so I could walk away. And I cried on my way to work. I hated doing that. I hated leaving her when she felt so scared. But I knew it was for the best. I knew that after that first day she would be fine. 

That didn't keep me from feeling like complete, and total shit that day though. I remember when I was little I was bullied on the bus, and at school. My aunt had to force me, physically onto the bus every morning, and there were instances where I would try to make a break for it back off of it. That was met with spankings, and eventually an older cousin of mine had to physically hold me down. So her reaction brought up a lot of memories for me. I sat at my desk counting down the minutes until I would see her again. When the day finally ended for her, and I was there to pick her up she told me that her first day wasn't that bad. She still missed me, all day, but it wasn't that bad. So, I told her I would be there to pick her up as soon as her days were over so she would always have that to look forward to. It took about a week for the tears to stop in the mornings. And another week before she could walk the crosswalk into the building without me. 

But now? Now she smiles. She tells me that she can't wait for me to get her that afternoon, because she always misses me, but that she's ready for school. She gives me a kiss on the cheek and wishes me a good day, "I love you," she says. "I love you too," I respond. I can tell that she's ready to take on her day, and her little brown eyes just light up. When I've made sure that she's crossed along with the other kids I wait as she turns around, and waves before heading inside. And my heart stops for a beat. And that saying that goes something along the lines of: "Having kids is like watching your own heart walk around outside of your rib cage." really hits me. I've felt it before certainly, but lately it's been magnified. The reality that time is not stopping, and that she's only going to get more and more independent is starting to really intensify. And it's scary knowing that there is so much bad at out there that I can't protect her from forever. There are times when I wish I could just do away with every future heartbreak, disappointment, and obstacle. But that's not how it works. For now, I'm just soaking everything up. Letting these moments embed themselves into my heart. I try to savor it. Every damn day. So, I stay at that crosswalk until I see her open the doors, and walk inside. Then I take a deep breath, turn around, and I move.

Kindergarten Graduation 2016

On Tuesday, our little graduated Kindergarten. She still has one more week of school left, but they had a ceremony this week for the parents to attend. There were a lot of emotions. I know it might seem silly to some of you, but it was as if I were getting a glimpse into the future. She walked across the stage, shook hands with the principle, and received her "diploma" with a huge smile as she looked out into the seats for us. And I cried. 

I blinked y'all. I blinked, and now she's six years old. I'm both excited, and saddened by this. I really do mourn the baby cheeks, and diaper changes. However, I'm excited to see what interests she'll pick up next. What will 1st grade hold for her? She keeps telling me that she's unsure of going to a bigger school, but she's excited to be going to 1st grade. She's asked us several questions about what it will be like, and if she'll still get to see her friends. When I told her that it would probably be fun and exciting, but I wasn't sure if she'd have the same classmates her response was: "It's okay mom, I'll still rock it." Yes, my dear. You will. :)

I can't believe how fast this has all flown by. Our little is growing up. Our little is becoming her own person. Our little is thriving. And I am so proud of her! Getting to see her walk across that stage made my heart so happy. I can only imagine what her high school, and college graduations will be like. Oh gees. It's been a bumpy year for all of us, and yet that all faded away into background noise when we saw her walk out. Now it's on to summer camps, and swimming pool days. To ice cream for dinner and 10 o'clock bedtimes. Saying yes to one more episode of her favorite show before sending her off to bed. It's time for some summer fun.

I Hope I'm Doing This Right...

Emery has grown so much, in so many different ways, in the past few months. There are times when I'm not sure how I'll ever catch up. Preschool has been amazing for her, and I'm really glad that we waited until she was four before putting her in it. I think she had just the right balance of being at home, and learning from our very mixed cultural family to prepare her for being around children and adults of different backgrounds. She's so open to a lot of things, and she gets excited when she's presented with something new to learn. I'm happy to see that she doesn't treat anyone differently, and when she sees others do so she quickly lets them know that it isn't right. I am so proud, and if this seems a bit like bragging, just know that I am. A little bit. But that's what parents are allowed to do from time to time, right? 
One day at the beginning of October the teachers pulled me aside, and told me that she was really well mannered and really a head of some of the other kids. I walked away letting out a huge sigh of relief because up until that point I'd always had this nagging feeling that we weren't doing enough, or at the least could be doing more to prepare her for school. Not only academically but emotionally as well. Hearing that she was excelling was a huge weight off my shoulders that I hadn't realized I had been carrying around. But she's doing great! She wakes up on her school mornings so excited to see friends and learn. As soon as we are at the early care room door she gives me a quick kiss, a very loud "I LOVE YOU MOM, SEE YOU LATER!", and rushes off. When we get home it's filled with stories that they read, songs that she got to sing, and even some funny things that the other kids did. There are some days when she thinks they had too much playtime, and not enough homework which is pretty interesting. I really hope she keeps that outlook up. The attitude that she has going in, and the excitement that she exudes reassures me that she is happy. And that's all we ever want for our kids isn't it? 
She did experience her first encounter with "mean girls" which was shocking to me because they're only four. But it's out there, it happens, and if it had continued I would have had a long not-so-nice conversation with some parents. I remember the first time she came to me and told me some girls at school wouldn't allow her to play with them, and that they had told her they hated her. It completely broke my heart. I wanted nothing more than to march back down there and take her out of that class. She wasn't ready, I thought. She doesn't deserve that kind of treatment. But, then she told me what her response was and it had me smiling. "Mom, I just did this *she shrugs* and I said: Whhhaaattt? Why would you hate me? You don't even know me silly. And then I went and played with some other kids." She handled it beautifully, don't you think? I did my best to explain that she didn't need these little girls to play with. There were plenty of others there. And I even tried to explain that those girls more than likely had no idea how hurtful the word "hate" is, or the real meaning of it. She looked at me and said "It's okay mommy. I know they don't really hate me." And a week later they were all friends. 
I still catch myself wondering if letting her navigate that particular issue in her own way was okay. Should I have told the teachers? The parents? I know that we can't protect our children from everything because there is a great big world out there. And it's not always nice. But, this doesn't mean I want my child to be exposed to all of these things at her current age. It just so happened that this particular issue was happening to her right then. And I'm not exactly sure what that says about us adults? There isn't a manual or time table for me to follow either. I was proud that she felt comfortable enough to tell me right away what had happened. I really want that to be the case for everything that goes on as she continues to grow. Still, I wonder if I did the right thing? If I did it right? That's the thing about being a parent though, it's different for everyone. We can just pray and hope that we're doing the best that we  can to not make things worse.

Preschool

Yesterday was Emery's first day of preschool. I woke up at 5:30 am, and just held on to her as tightly as I could without waking her. I stared at her little features; those cheeks and the button nose. I gently counted her little fingers and toes. I watched as she made some of the same faces in her sleep as she did when she was a baby. God, I wanted to stay in that moment forever.  To me, this is the true beginning of change. It's also the reality that my daughter is really growing up. Now I'm not a crazy person that truly believes her daughter would stay little forever. That's not what I'm really mourning (at least I don't think it is). What is really hitting me is that all of those little moments and milestones have come and gone. There is no more going back, and we're about to hit the ground running. Full speed ahead. You see, when she was three months I was comforted by knowing that she would still be in that "baby state" for a few more months at the least. I'd get to enjoy it longer. Now, she's changing and growing in so many different ways...daily. She's losing those baby features too. And of course children always need their parents, but I had to ask her twice to let me get her dressed for school. To which she replied "Ugh. Mooom. I can do it by myself." Well, I know you can kid, but just let mom do it one last time. FYI: She did!  So there I was, having an itty bitty pity party for myself when I whispered "It's your first day of school, little." She sprang up from bed with a "MOM! It's my first day of school! I have to get dressed! We can't be late mom!! Hurry!" I don't think I've ever had such a quick morning in my life. She brushed her teeth, found her shoes, and had her back pack ready to go well before it was time to leave. She grabbed the keys, and all but shoved me out the door. When we arrived at her school we had about 10 minutes before early care started. So, I went over how she needed to be nice to the other kids. Tackling someone just to sit on them was a no-no. Listen to the teachers. Try not to be rude. Please let an adult know if you need to go potty. etc, etc. As we walked in, she greeted everyone with a "Good morning!" or a "Hello!" I turned in her completed admissions paper work, and walked with her to the early care room. I said goodbye, and she gave me a kiss. As I walked away she said "Love you, mom." I made it to the parking lot before shedding some tears. 

Since my father doesn't work during the week he'll be the one to pick her up on the days she has school. But it being her first day and all I decided to meet him there to show him how to sign her out. I also wanted to see how her first day had gone. Once we arrived I was  informed by one of her teachers that there were a few tears in early care after I had left. Is it completely horrible that I was a teeny tiny bit glad about this? But they quickly dissipated once she was taken into her regular room (the one she spent time in at the teacher meet/greet). I was told she did really well, and was very interactive with all of the other kids. When I asked her about her day she quickly told me about the crying. Then just as quickly she stated she would not cry the next time because it wasn't so bad. She had plenty of stories to share and let me know that she made friends. This is completely bittersweet to me. I am so proud of her, and I cannot wait to see how much she accomplishes and learns this year. Getting to see my little girl grow, and learn is a really amazing experience! It's a blessing that I'm thankful for each and every day. And yet, I can't help but feel this small tug on my heart that's reminding me: This is it. This is the first and last time that she'll be just like this. Tomorrow she'll be a little bit more different. I wish I could prolong it. I wish I could pause it just for a few moments. Or bottle it up to carry it with me always. However, since that's out of the question, I'll just have to learn to pay extra close attention. I'll have to make sure that I don't miss a single thing as Emery embarks on her new adventure. 

It's Starting...

Since we moved into town we've been pretty preoccupied with getting settled and figuring out the best routine that works for us. I'm still in the process of putting left over stuff in storage and up-cycling some furniture that we desperately need in order to keep our house organized. Our clothes currently reside in separate laundry baskets. So even though we've seen most of our surrounding neighbors we haven't really gotten to know them. And I won't lie, I really haven't put in the effort to get to know them either. How un-neighborly of me I know. But recently, we've had a little boy come over every afternoon to ask for Emery. And this has just made me all...frazzled?

I know that Emery making friends is a good thing. I also know that I don't want to be a "helicopter parent" because I believe that's just hurting your kids more in the long run. But, I can't believe we're already getting to that stage. You know the one where your kid(s) asking you constantly "Can I go out and play with *insert other kids name here*?" rather than just chill at home with you. I get that it's bound to happen, but c'mon she's FOUR! I guess I assumed that we still had at least another year before "friends" would be a huge deal. Alas, we've been getting a lot of: "Mom can **** come over and watch a movie?" or "Mom can I go and jump on the trampoline with ****?" And if we say no, there is A LOT of pouting being done. Sometimes, some huffing and on occasion some crying.

Unfortunately, because of this recent development my fears and paranoia have hit an all time high. We live in a small town, but even this small town has it's "rough" side. In fact, it has two. And can you guess where our neighborhood is? Yup, about three blocks away from one of them. So, anytime Emery is outside either my husband or I have to be watching her at all times. This is probably considered "helicopter parenting", but again I will repeat, she is FOUR. Apparently, this is strange for the little boy who's always wanting her to go outside and play. He's even vocalized the "weirdness" of us "always watching" and not letting her play outside by herself. The poor kid has no idea that by making such statements, it only made things a lot worse. 

You see, this little dude is seven years old. SEVEN. Now, I know that not everyone out there are a bunch of perverts but honestly you never know. I have no idea what his family life is like or what he's allowed to watch. Or what he's not but does anyway. I've met his parents once in passing and I try to hold off my judgement of other people because we all parent differently. That said we've been here for almost two months now and we've noticed that the two youngest get left at home ALONE for very long periods of time a lot. Again, not my business.They also have several cookouts throughout the week that consists of many males of various ages, and a lot of liquor and beer. I know that this could all be completely innocent. A bunch of compadres kicking it after a long day at work? I've also considered that my mind could be getting the best of me, but I'm just not willing to allow my daughter to "hang out" or be anywhere near them unsupervised. Ever. 

This kid is persistent though. He comes over EVERY afternoon. And he questions everything too. If we don't allow Emery outside then he wants to know why? And if he can't convince us to let her out then he asks if he can come in and watch TV with us. Since I can't really tell him no, I usually let him in with a curfew of 8:30. So, this had me thinking that maybe he's lonely? Maybe he's just curious? Maybe he's not given attention at home? But then again this little boy isn't all that innocent either. I caught him & his older brother lying on the first day that he came over. We had bought Frozen and some pizza when he came knocking on our door to see if Emery could come out. It was almost 7:30 and the sun was going down so I told him she couldn't. Instead I invited him to join us for the movie and pizza if he okay'd it with his parents first. That little stinker left for 5 minutes, came back, and said his mom was fine with it. About thirty minutes later I witnessed his mother and father pull up. Maybe he called them? Ten minutes later the oldest is running over, knocking on our door looking embarrassed, and telling us that his brother needs to get home. 

I know that they're only kids. I know that Emery's going to make friends, some good and some not so good. I know that this is all part of her growing up. And unless I lock her up in her room (which I may or may not have considered) there really is no avoiding this. In fact, it's probably going to get worse. Eventually she's going to want to hang out away from home. Gees, my heart just jumped at the thought. But this is all new territory for us! My husband and I were discussing what we should do about this kid and we weren't entirely too sure how to go about dealing with him. I mean, can you even deal with a seven year old? Do we just take it day by day? Do we let him know that Emery has rules at home that she can't break? Do we talk with his parents? How do we not come off as insulting when we tell them all interactions between our kids should be supervised? There are sooo many things to considered and think about. And quite frankly it's giving me a migraine.

Emery, Currently

I can’t believe that in two months, Emery will be three years old. I feel like just yesterday she was this tiny little newborn coming home from the hospital. So cuddly, and quiet. Sometimes I get caught up in the memories of diapers, breastfeeding, and tiny little onesies. Then I hear her as she starts whining about watching “Go Diego Go” for the millionth time and I become well aware of just how not a newborn she is. I find myself wondering how in the world did three years manage to go by? Before I know it she’ll be 5 and I’ll be sending her off to school. Damn, that kind of sucks. But, I can’t dwell on that right now. So instead this post will be about my little mini me, currently:

One recent development is that Emery has become very attached to me. Before hand she was a daddy’s girl all the way. She wouldn't even let me put her shoes on or brush her hair. Now that my husband started working again his shifts are mainly evening ones so this leaves him very little time with her. In the meantime, I get every second that I’m not at work or school with her so we've grown a lot closer. The look on my husband’s face when she won’t allow him to dress her in the mornings anymore is seriously heartbreaking. She did a version of this very same thing the last time he was working weird hours out of state so it wasn't that surprising to me this time around when she started to "pull away" from my husband. She was a lot younger then, but since she didn't see him that often she wanted me to hold her more than she wanted him to. It took her almost two months before she became adjusted. So now I just keep reassuring him that as soon as she gets used to the new routine we have, and his hours, she’ll do a lot better.

Other than that little difference Emery is doing great! Her vocabulary in both Spanish and English is pretty far along. She’s counting to 10 (in both languages) and knows a little under half of the alphabet (English only). She likes to hold many long conversations about anything and everything. She’ll go as far as to holding your face directly at hers so you “listen” to what she has to say. She’s also become VERY independent. And very stubborn. Her favorite shows are: Dora The Explorer, Go Diego Go, The Fresh Beat Band, & Team Umi Zoomi. She’s also really gotten into music lately. I've always known that my mini me would be surrounded by music. Her father plays many instruments, and I enjoy listening to all different kinds of genres. When she was about a year old she enjoyed listening and occasionally beating on her dad’s drum set. But now she asks for “her drums”, and she picks up her guitar to play with her dad when he’s playing. She’s constantly dancing and singing. That living room of ours sees plenty of dance parties throughout the day.

So, we’re good. Emery is doing great, and life has finally slowed down enough for me to really sit back and enjoy it. And enjoy it I will. Happy Friday, everyone!!

Potty Trained

Emery is officially potty trained! Do you know what the best and worst part about this is? I didn’t even have to try that hard. Our lovely babysitter did most of the “training”. We just took over on afternoons and weekends. I’m a little bummed that I wasn’t as involved as I had hoped I’d be, but at the same time I’m super grateful for the help. Without it, I’m sure she’d still be in diapers. Our sitter told me that one day (a little over a month ago) Emery decided that she wanted to use the toilet, so she sat her up there. After that, we bought her some underwear, and the sitter would put them on during the day. She had a few accidents, but for the most part I was told that she just...got it.

I was worried that she wouldn't be out of diapers until after she turned three. Then I was worried that she’d start for a few days, but then stop unexpectedly like some children do. I kept thinking that this was such a burden for our babysitter to have to deal with so I never asked her if she’d help us potty train. I was fully prepared to do this on my own. But our babysitter was wonderful enough to help us when Emery let her know that she was ready. I’m forever grateful for having this lovely lady. You guys have no idea. She’s been such a blessing. The whole “training” took a little less than a week. And Emery's been using underwear and her little potty every since. If we’re out running errands, she’s always vocal about when she needs to go. Which is AWESOME! We haven’t had any accidents in the car! And at home, she's goes by herself. Only calling out to us when she need help with toilet paper, or she wants us to see the evidence.

So now it been about a month since we’ve started this. My mom had stocked us up on pull-ups because I had mentioned wanting to attempt potty training before the summer was over, but it looks like we won’t be needing them. Well, we’ll use them for overnight just in case, but other than that she’s graduated to underwear full time.What’s helped us out the most though, is treating her accomplishment as if it’s this huge deal every time she goes. Because lets face it, it is. We give her hugs, kisses, praises, and high fives. We’ll reward her with her favorite snack or fruit of her choosing, and she gets really excited over this. Now that she's gone so long, and she hasn't stopped like I feared, I feel like it’s safe to say that she’s officially out of DIAPERS!

Not only am I super proud of my little punkin, but I’m also really happy about not having to spend the extra thirty bucks on diapers and wipes. Now, if only we could break her of her “mimi” habit.

We Have A Binky Situation

Emery is attached to her binky (aka pacifier). Like really really attached. As some of you know she just turned two. So, my husband and I decided that it was time to get rid of the binky. We don't want to be the parents with a child still attached to her binky as she enters kindergarten. At first, it seemed like she was doing okay. The babysitter helped us out and stopped giving it to her during the day. At home she would only asks for it when she was ready for a nap. At night she usually falls asleep and takes it out herself so I figured it was okay to allow her to have it at bedtime too. We went a few weeks like this so she would slowly get used to the idea of not having it around as much before we tried taking it away completely.

 Well, it finally came time for us to take it away at night. And it’s not working out exactly as planned. To say she gets mad is a HUGE understatement. She starts crying, screaming, and kicking if we don’t give it to her. And to be quite honest, there’s only so much of the tantrum that we can take before we end up giving the binky back to her. Now you might think that we “give in” too easily, or we’re just a big pair of "push overs". But we don’t and we aren’t. We had originally set out thinking that she would just end up crying herself to sleep. A few tears, a little bit of a tantrum, and then she’d be out. And then we assumed that she’d eventually just learn that she wasn’t going to get it back. Ha! We were so very very wrong. Her last episode lasted 45 minutes, before she started gasping for air. Did you read that?? 45 MINUTES! Her hair was soaked in tears; her face was all red and blotchy. She had been screaming/crying with only a few breaks in between. And that was one of her short fits. 

I do have to hand it to her though. She’s a persistent little one, that’s for sure. Takes after her dad mom in the stubborn department. So now, I have to figure out another approach. Any one out there have any ideas? I’m running out of them pretty fast. I’ve tried snipping the ends, hiding them, and pretending like I threw them away. Nothing seems to work. And this mom needs wants sleep. So having to listen to her cry and scream for over thirty minutes after lights out is completely out of the question. Call me selfish.

We've Arrived at "That Stage"

I love my kid. I would die for her, gladly. I make sure that we make enough money to keep her fed, clothed, and well taken care of. She is the light in my life. The best thing I've ever done in my life. That being said, she’s also a little shit sometimes. Agggh! Not even freakin kidding, dude!

We’re going into the terrible two’s at full force (have been for awhile now). And so far this has been the WORST stage she has gone through. It’s never ending crying and whining. If I turn off the TV, she cries. If I don’t put on the shoes SHE WANTS, she’s crying, and kicking the ones I have put on her, off. If I tell her “No”, in my normal voice, she’s crying. If I try brushing her hair, she cries. It’s been NONSTOP crying. I even have to bribe her into letting me change her, if I want to dress her without any incidents. Otherwise, it’s a full on wrestling match. And defiance. My goodness, she absolutely refuses to do anything I ask. Or even just listen to me. Her answer to anything I say is “No!” That or she’ll throw herself on the ground. That, by far, has been the most embarrassing thing out of this whole ordeal. Does she do this with her dad? No. Just mommy. 

Also, my little one has gotten smart. Or at least she thinks so. If I try to discipline her or tell her she can’t have something, the water works start, followed by a never ending “DADDY!” Sometimes this works, and sometimes it doesn’t. Then the minute she realizes he’s not going to back her up, she gets pissed. She’ll stomp off, or yell really loud. No joke, my kid’s got some lung power. But this seriously has got to stop. Soon.

I understand that at this stage, kids are pushing their limits. Seeing how much they can get away with. But man am I ready for it to be over with. It’s been really hard to stay patient on those days. I’m not going to lash out at my kid or anything. I’m just saying, I feel like I’m stretched so thin already, and then I have to come home to a toddler that does nothing but cry or scream at me. This has not been very pleasant. And now I feel like if we don’t straighten out her attitude right now, it’s only going to get worse. And I’m not unleashing that into society if I can help it. 

p.s. Happy Birthday to MY MOMMY! 

So blessed to have her in my life. 

20 months

Today, Emery officially turned 20 months old. Can you believe that? My baby, is about to be a toddler - toddler. There won’t be anymore “Oh, she’s 18 months.” or “Oh, she’s 14 months.” It’s about to be, “Yea, my kid is two.” If it weren't for being so tired, I just might cry. We have four more months to go before she’s no longer considered “a baby”. Granted, she’ll always be my baby but you get my point, right? In the eyes of society, she’s about to begin her preschool years. And the fact that “school” is even a part of that sentence has me a bit freaked out.

Omg...  

Hair Cut? No, no,no. Just a Trim.

Emery’s hair is out of control. I absolutely love long hair! Before she was born, my husband and I agreed to not cut her hair, except for trims every now and then. We wanted her hair to just grow and grow. Well, because of how her hair has grown, it seems to be longer in the front then in the back. Her hair is constantly in her eyes. She tries brushing it back, and it just falls forward again. I tried to do her hair in a ponytail, but it's not long enough. Instead we get this:

Yup, right up top. Now, I think it’s adorable. It bounces when she walks and it's the cutest thing!! But the majority of that little ponytail is her bangs. So when we let it down, it just falls  forward. I tried little clips but she’d yank them out. That pony, hardly stays up all day either. At some point I have to redo it because she’s pulled it out. Well, I started to notice that she would walk around all awkward, with her head back. Turns out she was just trying to see through the "jungle of bangs". So, this past weekend I decided, she was getting a hair cut! We went and set up an appointment for her, did a little shopping, and then it was time for us to head back to the salon. Once she was up in that chair, she was actually very good. Her daddy held her head, just in case, but she was very still on her own. I on the other hand, freaked out about cutting her hair and instead opted for them to just “trim” her bangs. They’re still long, and they still get in the way if they fall all the way forward. But it’s easier for me to put up, or into a clip (for some reason, it no longer bothers her) now. She no longer walks around with her head back, so that’s good. LOL!

First Trim 7/9/2011

I’m not sure why I freaked out at the last minute. Something about it being her first haircut, just made her seem so much more grown up. How did we get from newborn to a salon chair in the blink of an eye? I know it’s destined to happen, I can’t stop her from growing, but I hate feeling like I’m rushing the process. Still, I’m sure in another two or three weeks I’ll have to go back and get them to actually trim her whole head of hair. I'll probably cry too, but hey I'm her mom, I'm allowed. Hopefully, I won’t chicken out next time though.  

16 Months

This week has been a bit of a draining and yet exciting one. This month, in general, has kind of sucked. I really could have done without it. But, life's not supposed to be easy.

So today, since it's Friday, I'm going to CHILL. Today, my daughter is officially 16 months old. I'm going to go home and give her lots of kisses and lovin' after work. My goodness, how quickly time is passing. I have no idea what this weekend will hold for me because there are a few plans but nothing set in stone. I'm going to take this weekend and try to enjoy it, and be happy. Now, I leave you with a song that I absolutely love! I recently heard a local band cover it and when I found out it was from Mumford and Sons, I immediately downloaded the album and it has been on repeat ever since. Happy Friday Everyone!

Milestones

Emery has usually been pretty good about hitting milestones about a month after most websites/books/doctors say she should. But, last Wednesday we had her 12 month check up (3 months late), and she had to have two shots. When the doctor asked me if she knew any words, I really had nothing for her. Emery really doesn't talk. She babbles, and she can literally say maybe five words:

Buh-bye 

(she waves while saying it)

Mama

(me)

Dadda

(my husband)

Nana

(my mom and bananas)

Ouch

(when she gets hurt)

And those three in the middle all sound the same, right? So it’s not like she’s really learning different ones. The doctor told me that around 1-1 1/2 years old most children know about ten or more words. Great. I’m a failure. My kid’s dumb. Then, right as she’s asking me about her language, and if she’s trying to speak at all Em goes straight to the diaper bag and pulls out her binky. “Oh! She still uses a pacifier?” Oh, boy. I must be the biggest failure ever! The doctor said that the binky can cause a delay in speech. She said that children have a tendency to want to point at things instead of saying them, especially if they are still allowed their binky. Well, Emery usually does point at what she wants. Man, if only the doctor knew how hard it is to get that damn paci away from my daughter, who actually seems to keep a stash hidden from me somewhere. I kid you not, I’ll take one away and before I know it either she’s found the one I took or she has a whole different one in her mouth?! Or I wonder if the doctor knows how hard it is to put her to sleep without her binky? Good lord, I’d be up till midnight if it weren’t for that thing. She went on about how it can also cause problems later on down the road, and how we can’t check if she’ll have speech problems due to the frenulum of the tongue until she starts to actually talk. That put some heat on me. I mean seriously? What am I suppose to do? Emery goes at her pace, and if she doesn’t want to say it she won’t. So, the doctor went on to check her reflexes, her eyesight, and her teeth. Everything looked perfect! Then she asked about what we were giving her to eat and drink. Well, she eats some of our food, but mainly baby stage three foods, and we give her 2% organic w/DHA milk. Apparently, most people switch to whole milk by now, and most kids are eating mainly regular food. Well, crap. I’m just not doing my job, huh? I told her I’d get her all switched up, and that I’d start working with her more on words. Emery got two shots (still hurts me to the core to watch that). Em cried out and tried reaching out to me, then the lady took her precious time with the second shot, and it was just awful! I’ll admit, my eyes watered up. It took a lot to keep me from crying right there.

When I got home, I talked to my husband about what the doctor said and he thought we should take the binky from her right away. No more binky, and more teaching. Well, that didn’t work as planned. She’s currently in her crib, with her binky. But then asked my mother, and she told me not to listen to the doctor. She said that we had our pacifiers till we were about two years old. My dad was upset at me for “relying on doctors so much”. That was a conversation, that I could have done without. But after a lot of thinking, I’ve decided on some things.

1) She will only get the binky before bedtime, and naps. She is not allowed to have it at any other time. Slowly easing the transition.

2) Along with reading books, I’ll be taking her outside more too. Kids learn from seeing, watching, and feeling.

3) We’ll change her over to whole milk as soon as I run out of the 2%, but it will still be organic.

4) My parents are really going to have to start obeying my rules when it comes to what she eats since I’ll be transitioning her to adult food.

So, now my questions: How do you guys feel about this? Do you think that the doctor is right? Should I take the binky away for good? When did you guys stop giving your kids baby food? Any good advice on helping speech comes along with a 1 1/2-year-old? And do you believe in these milestones, or are you more of a “they’ll learn when they’re ready” type?