A Bully & The Lessons

My daughter recently had her “first” bullying experience from someone she really wanted to be friends with. I say “first”, because this is the first instance that she can actually remember and one that targeted her looks. She had already been having issues with this girl before. I’d seen the remarks left on her TikTok videos or the text messages that were sent. Then there was a day when my daughter came home asking me what a certain word in Spanish was because this girl had been calling her that all day. And while most of these issues were just words I kept telling my daughter to just brush it off or end the friendship. My advice was along the lines of, “She’s just insecure, and jealous, it will pass. Don't listen to what she says.” or “If she’s being really mean to you, maybe you shouldn’t be friends?” But my daughter wants to be liked. With there being a very limited number of girls at her school she wants to get along with all of them. So, she did her best. 

However, one morning my little girl burst into our room in tears. She handed me her phone and there was a screenshot of something this girl had posted about her. Between her sniffles, she asked me why someone would post something like that about her, and then asked if I would take her out of this school. “This never happened at my old school! I want to go back with my real friends,” she cried. And don’t think it didn’t cross my mind for a few minutes while I held her as she cried. Though I know that this won’t be the last time she encounters this kind of bullying, it still broke my heart. I immediately contacted the girl’s mother and asked that she get in touch with me. She was just as shocked as I was and had her daughter remove the picture and video. Now, I understand that this is about the age when these things start to happen. I understand that this is the age when kids are figuring out friendships, and making mistakes. And while most incidents involving this particular girl have been backhanded comments directed at my daughter, I felt that a picture and video - along with words on them, were crossing a major line. Her mother and I agreed to have both girls apologize for their part in this issue. Because I knew my daughter wasn’t completely innocent in all of this. And then we’d let them figure out the next steps on their own. So now, my daughter is trying to figure out what to do next. Start the friendship over? Or leave it as is, and not associate with this girl anymore. While she’s asked for my opinion, I’ve told her that this is something only she can decide. 

This incident had me thinking about the next stage my daughter is coming into. It’s actually daunting to know that this is just the beginning of all the changes. You know? Looking back at my younger years, and the mistakes I made. It bums me out to know that my daughter will probably experience similar things. And that they’re already starting. There will be people who don’t like her. Some boy will poke fun at her looks. Some girls too. She’ll probably kiss someone she isn’t supposed to and have her heartbroken. Someone will talk badly about her to others and then be nice to her face. She’ll experience betrayal. Some of the friends she has now, may not be her friends by the time she reaches high school. She may even encounter drugs and alcohol. And she’ll experience a variety of losses. Failures. Her emotions will magnify everything by a thousand. And no matter how much advice I give, life lessons are usually only learned by making the mistakes yourself. Still, I can't believe we're here already. Even now, I pray for more time. In the end, I just hope that I can be there for her. That she’ll always know that she can talk to me. And that no matter what, she knows in her heart that I’ll always love her. 

I Hope I'm Doing This Right...

Emery has grown so much, in so many different ways, in the past few months. There are times when I'm not sure how I'll ever catch up. Preschool has been amazing for her, and I'm really glad that we waited until she was four before putting her in it. I think she had just the right balance of being at home, and learning from our very mixed cultural family to prepare her for being around children and adults of different backgrounds. She's so open to a lot of things, and she gets excited when she's presented with something new to learn. I'm happy to see that she doesn't treat anyone differently, and when she sees others do so she quickly lets them know that it isn't right. I am so proud, and if this seems a bit like bragging, just know that I am. A little bit. But that's what parents are allowed to do from time to time, right? 
One day at the beginning of October the teachers pulled me aside, and told me that she was really well mannered and really a head of some of the other kids. I walked away letting out a huge sigh of relief because up until that point I'd always had this nagging feeling that we weren't doing enough, or at the least could be doing more to prepare her for school. Not only academically but emotionally as well. Hearing that she was excelling was a huge weight off my shoulders that I hadn't realized I had been carrying around. But she's doing great! She wakes up on her school mornings so excited to see friends and learn. As soon as we are at the early care room door she gives me a quick kiss, a very loud "I LOVE YOU MOM, SEE YOU LATER!", and rushes off. When we get home it's filled with stories that they read, songs that she got to sing, and even some funny things that the other kids did. There are some days when she thinks they had too much playtime, and not enough homework which is pretty interesting. I really hope she keeps that outlook up. The attitude that she has going in, and the excitement that she exudes reassures me that she is happy. And that's all we ever want for our kids isn't it? 
She did experience her first encounter with "mean girls" which was shocking to me because they're only four. But it's out there, it happens, and if it had continued I would have had a long not-so-nice conversation with some parents. I remember the first time she came to me and told me some girls at school wouldn't allow her to play with them, and that they had told her they hated her. It completely broke my heart. I wanted nothing more than to march back down there and take her out of that class. She wasn't ready, I thought. She doesn't deserve that kind of treatment. But, then she told me what her response was and it had me smiling. "Mom, I just did this *she shrugs* and I said: Whhhaaattt? Why would you hate me? You don't even know me silly. And then I went and played with some other kids." She handled it beautifully, don't you think? I did my best to explain that she didn't need these little girls to play with. There were plenty of others there. And I even tried to explain that those girls more than likely had no idea how hurtful the word "hate" is, or the real meaning of it. She looked at me and said "It's okay mommy. I know they don't really hate me." And a week later they were all friends. 
I still catch myself wondering if letting her navigate that particular issue in her own way was okay. Should I have told the teachers? The parents? I know that we can't protect our children from everything because there is a great big world out there. And it's not always nice. But, this doesn't mean I want my child to be exposed to all of these things at her current age. It just so happened that this particular issue was happening to her right then. And I'm not exactly sure what that says about us adults? There isn't a manual or time table for me to follow either. I was proud that she felt comfortable enough to tell me right away what had happened. I really want that to be the case for everything that goes on as she continues to grow. Still, I wonder if I did the right thing? If I did it right? That's the thing about being a parent though, it's different for everyone. We can just pray and hope that we're doing the best that we  can to not make things worse.

Almost Picked a Fight With a Toddler

Kids can be mean. I know this, I've always known this. And once you have your own kid, that meanness will come to your front door a few times (unless your kids the one being mean). But, I honestly didn't know how young it started.

Emery’s behavior has changed quite a bit in the past few months and I didn’t get why. After a few weeks, I’m not gonna lie, I got a bit frustrated at times with her attitude. She had always been perfectly fine with me not holding her, listening when we said no, and she never lifted a finger towards another child/adult. She was always wanting to do everything on her own. Occasionally she’d have a bit of a temper tantrum, and since she was having more teeth come in I summed up her moods as the on comings of the “terrible twos” and a bad case of teething. It was nothing out of ordinary and like I said the tantrums were only so often. She’s now become more clingy, she hits, pulls hair, and she cries when you take things away or don’t give her what she wants. The crying has been an EVERY day thing. It gets a bit exhausting. 

Well, this past weekend we were invited to go to our babysitter’s daughter’s Sweet 15 party. Once we got there, 2 of the 4 other kids our babysitter takes care of were there. Immediately, Emery wanted to go play with them. So, I let her go. Since this was a pretty big hall, and two of the exits were wide open, my husband and I took turns watching her while still trying to be polite and social. I honestly have no clue how some of those parents just let their kids run around with no supervision. Some little ones managed to sneak outside! We noticed that the two kids were leading her around, and at times yanking her by her arm. So my husband, went over and kind of supervised the kids. When he came back, a few minutes later, they were helping her climb up the stairs. They are old wooden stairs, and they don’t have railings. So, my husband went and got her down. Then, they would try and lead her outside. My husband and I both went and told the other kids that Emery had to stay inside. They could only go outside if I or my husband were with her. They said they understood. Five minutes later, they’re trying to lead her outside again. Keep in mind, that they’re still yanking her around by her arms. 

I finally had enough, and brought Emery to our table. She was all red, but she seemed to be having fun. Giggling and laughing. She kept wanting to go back with the other kids and play, but we made her eat some food, and get some water before getting back to playing. When I finally let her out of the chair, she immediately ran to the other little girl that our sitter takes care of. That little girl yanked Emery by her arm so hard that Emery almost fell over. So my daughter gave a bit of a grunt, and pulled her arm back. The little girl smacked her arm, and walked away. I was flabbergasted (yea I totally just used that word). Emery looked at me in confusion, and then followed the little girl. Now, I don’t know what was going through my kids head, but it looked like the smack was something she was used to because she kept following that little girl and laughing. She was kind of running around, and babbling her own little language. Well, don’t you know that little girl starts walking behind her and shoving her. Repeatedly! Finally she shoved her so hard that Emery fell flat on her face. At this point, I’m pissed. So, as I started walking over, my husband said he’d go instead. We looked back over to our daughter and that little girl was trying to drag her by her hair!! I was livid. My husband ran over, and picked Emery up. He told the little girl that it wasn’t nice to pull other kids hair and he brought Emery back.

That little girl’s parents weren’t even paying attention! They were too busy taking photographs, and talking. Emery sat with us for awhile, but we felt it was unfair for her to watch other kids playing, and her have to sit and do nothing. Eventually, my husband talked me into letting her down to play with one of the little boys that kept asking if she could. He said “I take care of her.” So, I explained no yanking and no going outside. It was a good ten minutes before that little girl came up behind them, and shoved Emery again. This time it was in front of her parents, and it caused Emery to fall on her knees. Do you know what those parents did? They said “No, no” and walked away. WTH!??! Seriously?!?! That’s it?! That’s all you’re going to say, “No”?? 

I was pissed off. My husband finally went over and told the kids to keep Emery right by our table. And I wanted nothing more than to take that little girl over my knee. But she’s not my kid, and I’d get in trouble. Still, I now see where Emery’s behavior is coming from. I never really put it together that her attitude changed about a month or two after that little girl started going to our sitter’s. But after watching that little girl and how she treated other kids, and how she was treating Emery I see where it’s coming from. And it explains why Emery’s face and neck were all scratched up a few weeks ago. 

I don’t blame the babysitter. If a parent says that you can’t spank their kid, you can’t spank. And that little girl is sneaky! She looks around to see if her parents are watching before she does anything. She’s not even 5 years old yet!! This is crazy scary! And now, I don’t know what to do about it. Emery isn’t old enough to understand the whole “bully” concept, or how to stick up for herself. I can’t afford to put her in a daycare, and my sitter would be heart broken (they’ve become like family). So, I’m at a loss really. How do you address these issues, and make them stop? And how do you teach a 19 month old how to defend themselves when they don't really understand what's going on?

What Are We Going To Do?

I was doing research for an essay I am supposed to be writing. But then I got sidetracked. Yes, This happens a lot. I started reading these articles about the sudden “teen” suicides going on all over the US and how it’s being contributing to “bullying”. From Phoebe Prince, to four other gay kids. And this has me asking, what are we going to do about this? So many people want to blame this on “bullying” and yet we are not once looking at the parents. I understand that these kids need to be punished, and I am a big supporter of them needing to serve jail time. But we as parents need to start looking into how we are raising our children. That’s the bigger picture.

I myself, do not agree with homosexuality. BUT, I don’t judge those living that lifestyle. I do not agree with abortion, but if you’ve gotten one it doesn’t mean that I will hate you for it. Bullying is something else I don’t agree with but I myself was a bit of a bully in Junior High. This was due to me BEING bullied in my younger years. I was a girl, and I developed a lot faster than some others. I was constantly being grabbed or having my hair pulled. Being called a “wetback”. And one day a teacher told me to “Not be afraid to fight back”. And I did. Now, I look back on it and MAYBE I should have not started so many fights, but I was sticking up for myself as well as my little brother. I feel that defending yourself is a lot different than picking on someone. I think that we as parents need to start raising our children differently!

For starters, there is so much more out there than high school. There is so much more beyond prom queens and football stars. They may be the most popular, most beautiful people in school, but they could end up working the convenience store down the road. They may one day WORK for you.

Second, our children ARE beautiful and they should focus on OTHER things besides vanity, and popularity. Look to the future. Boy/girlfriends are great, but you don’t NEED them. They do not MAKE you. You must be happy with yourself. Love YOURSELF. You must do that first before finding a boy/girlfriend or a spouse. THEY can only bring so much to the table.

Third, teach them to be strong. Have them learn how to throw a punch, learn how to stand strong in their beliefs. I know “violence is not the answer” but learning how to defend yourself might not be so bad. Teach them to not be swayed or convinced to do something they don’t want to. Peer pressure sucks, but if you start teaching them early on, they might not be so easily pressured. When someone calls them a name or is teasing them, immediately go to the other child’s parent. No matter how “embarrassing” it is for your child. So help me God, I will take whoever it is that’s teasing my baby and put them over my knee for a few good licks. Ok, maybe not that EXTREME but you better believe they will get a good talking to from me. I don’t care who they are or who their parents are. If you will not discipline your child you better believe I won’t just stand by and let that happen. I’ll instill the fear of God at least, LOL! 

Four, is respect. Respect for yourself as well as respect for others. There should not be any back talking. They should not be told it’s ok if they were making fun of someone else. Discipline your children! I know that even some of us, as adults, tease or make fun of others sometimes and we really should see the example we are setting. Do you think it’s ok to have a child yell at you or cuss at you? Is it ok for them to pick on others? Our children will only grow and learn from what they are TAUGHT. What they are ALLOWED to get away with. And that’s why I think, we as parents need to do a better job.

Now, I might eat my words when Emery gets older. I might do all the right things and her still come out rebellious and easily persuaded. I might turn out to be the worst mother ever. But I will try my hardest to not be. I will try my hardest to be a good example. And I will do my damnedest to make sure that I teach her right from wrong. She will know. What she chooses to do with that knowledge, and those lessons will be left up to her. But you better believe the minute she starts calling people names, starting fights, or thinking she can run around all night she will be over my knee getting some licks. And when she’s older to where licks don’t work…well, I’ll cross that bridge when I get there!

p/s I know there’s a lot I didn't cover, but those were the basics.

Those were the main topics I wanted to cover. The ones I think should come first.