Listen

Thoughts on a Thursday

About a week after claiming that I would get back to blogging regularly I was hit with three exams back to back. I started working on new blog pages, and started brainstorming some ideas that I wanted to post about. I worked on finally uploading all of those damn pictures that are just sitting on our camera. I was feeling inspired; creative. Then the following week my brother-in law decided to come for a visit so we spent a lot of time out and about. As welcomed as the visit was, I wasn't in the right place. Recently, I've been dealing with anxiety; a story for another time. I tried to make the best of it, but I know I wasn't much fun during that week at all. And then one morning during that same week while getting everyone ready for the day, and trying to find my damn keys I received a call from my mother. "Do you remember that surgery your aunt had a few weeks ago?" Yes. "Well...it's...it's cancer." 

We've had a lot of questions answered and some not so much. We know what it is, it's aggressiveness, and the statistics. It's been hard for some of us to really understand what comes next. Everything is up in the air, and yet at the same time it's...still. It's harder for my mom because she feels a bit helpless knowing she can't actually be there in Georgia with my aunt through this. As the time ticks away, and the day's go by turning into weeks this gets worse. So far, there is nothing to be done until she's healed from the first surgery. And now there are second opinions to be had, hospitals to visit, decisions to consider. My mother is thinking of taking a leave of absence from work over the summer to go out there. For now there has been a lot of praying, church, and prayer groups both here and there. My aunt is positive, and more at peace with this news than I would imagine anyone to be. She keeps in contact with us, and lets us know everything that is happening as well as future plans. We receive scriptures, and bible verses. My mother is trying her best to stay positive and to be at peace with whatever may come, but over this weekend she let that slip for a few minutes. And as we sat in the middle of an empty laundry mat at 7 am she cried while I hugged her. I have only ever imagined the pain that would come if I were to ever lose my brother. I don't think I'd be able to breathe. But my mom, who is just as close to her siblings as I am my brother, is actually having to feel this. She really has to consider that she could possibly lose a sister. And that, to me, is heartbreaking. 

Even though my aunt and I don't get to see each other very often, she's still an important person to me. I love her, and she's a really wonderful person. She's bubbly, bright, and has this strong love for God that I only wish to one day achieve. I can talk to her about anything and there's no judgement. Growing up I was always told that my personality held parts of her, and parts of one other aunt. It's like I was split equally they always said. I always took that as a compliment because the women in my family are pretty extraordinary in their own right. So, for something like this to happen to her it just feels unreal. I feel like I haven't yet accepted it, and even now as I write about it this just seems like a really bad dream. I keep telling my mom that this worry is all for nothing. She's going to kick cancer's ass, and it'll just be another thing that makes her such a badass. Still, as with anything, there's always that negative. There's always the tiny little thought at the back of your mind telling you that this could end badly. That this could be one of those cases where bad shit happens to good people and there isn't a damn thing we can do about it. I'm trying to fix that though. I'm trying to stay positive. I'm trying my best to be there for my mom. And for now, all we can do is wait. And hope. So, if things don't pick up around here like I had hoped/wanted it to just know it's for a reason.