Aunt Linda, I Love You (Part II)

We got back home on the March 17th. My mom and grandmother had stayed behind, and she called on Monday to tell us that my aunt had done really well on Sunday night, and seemed to have more energy throughout the day. She said my aunt was being "smart" with my uncle, and it was good to see her little attitude come back out. This was a good sign. If she got her strength back, and if she was cleared to fly our family was considering taking her to Mexico for a medical trial that would accept her. They took on aggressive cancers and had doctors that were willing to try alternative treatments. I had hoped that we'd be able to give this place a shot once she started feeling better. It was a last resort, but one that everyone was willing to pitch in for. Now all we had to do was pray, and hope that she would gain some strength back in order to make that journey.

Sadly, on Monday night things took a turn and deteriorated rather quickly. On Tuesday night, surrounded by family and with her mother at her side --holding her hand--, my aunt passed away. She was 53. We had just gotten home from the gym when my mother called to tell me the news. I stood in the kitchen with tears in my eyes, and a lump in my throat. "Okay. Give my uncle and cousins some hugs from us. Tell them we love them." And as I hung up the phone I grasped the kitchen counter and began to sob. This was hard, y'all. This was unfair. My aunt had so much more life in her, and I couldn't believe she was gone. Just like that. I mean, I knew it was a possibility. I knew that when I kissed her goodbye that one Saturday morning, that that day could be the last time I would see her alive. But I didn't think it would be within days. Hours. I thought we had more time. Even if just a month. That evening as I stood in my kitchen crying I was simultaneously trying to remember every detail of our time together. Every word she said, every smile, every hug, and then I started looking through all of the previous text messages. Saving every picture, and every scripture she sent. Rereading all of the advice that she had given me. I never want to forget any of it. I never want to forget her.

My aunt was an amazing woman. She always smiled, and she loved fiercely. She valued family over everything. She was one of the few people I felt like I could really talk to about anything, and everything under the sun. She was kind, and giving. There was one weekend a few years ago when she came down for a visit, and I was having a pretty hard time financially. There were doctor visits that had to be paid for, medications that needed to be paid for, and then to top it off not only was I late on the gas bill but my car was on the fritz too. I had showed up to my parents house needing to borrow some quarters because my dryer had just broken, and I needed to go to the laundromat before the mildew smell set in. I remember I had a little over $50 in my account that morning, and it needed to last me until I got paid the following week. I remember trying to do the best that I could that weekend, and I spent it over at my parent's house in order to make sure Emery had three meals. Then, before my aunt left back to Georgia that Sunday she pulled me in for a hug, kissed my cheek, and handed me some money. "Mija, find a decent used washer. There's enough money in there for that, and to pay your bill." I argued that I would be fine, and for her to use the money for something else. She just grabbed me by my shoulders, pulled me in for a hug, smiled at me, and then told me to take the money or she'd make my mom deposit it into my account. There was no arguing with this woman when she had her mind set on something. That was just the kind of person she was. Protective of those she loved. She knew Jesus, and God in a way that not many do. And even in her last days she prayed, and worshiped. 

Once we had gotten back home after this last visit I had started to do some research on gallbladder cancer. And to be honest, it was all a bit discouraging. It was maddening too. How the hell do we not have more answers? More funding? More trials? Why are we not looking into alternative treatments? As I sat in my living room combing through link after link I learned that survival rates during the first round of treatment were low, and recurrence was extremely high. So, even if you beat it the first time, any additional years you lived were just gifts. Borrowed time. Maybe if I had known that before I would have visited more. I would have held her longer. I would have called as often as possible. Taken a leave of absence from work to spend a week helping her during treatment. But I didn't. I didn't know anything. After I closed my laptop I felt so stupid for not looking into this sooner. For thinking that my aunt was invincible. For taking the time we had for granted. Since I had just used some of my personal time at work the week before I wasn't in the position to ask for more time off. Then there was the issue of my daughter having to go back to school. So, after speaking with my parents I had to make the difficult decision of not attending the funeral. And this killed me. I face timed with my uncle, and cousins to let them know how much I wish I could be there. I told them I loved them and would help in any way that I could from afar. They let me know that they understood I couldn't just take off on such short notice, and only a day after getting back. My uncle told me that he was just grateful I got to see her one last time. 

A few days before the funeral I started looking for weekend flights. I thought that if I could find some last minute discounted red-eye flight there and back on the same day it would be worth it. Unfortunately, the flights available were too long due to layovers, and all out of my price range. When I told my mom that my last little bit of hope to make it there had been squashed she said that it was okay. That they would be there for us. And later that afternoon one of my aunts called to let me know that there would be a special link for us on their church website to watch the funeral from home. It was for family members that couldn't make it, but still wanted to take part in the services. So, even though I wasn't able to be there physically, I would still be able to see it. And that's exactly what we did. As we sat in a parking lot (a story for later) we watched the entire service. We prayed, and we sang along. My family did a wonderful job. It was a service worthy of my aunt. With her favorite verses, and songs. She would have loved it. It was beautiful, and I'm glad I was able to see it. Now that it's been several weeks I still haven't really grasped it. My mind hasn't entirely come to terms with the fact that she's not here anymore. One day it will. And I hope I don't take it too hard. Until then, I just smile when we all talk about her. I smile thinking that she's up there in Heaven dancing around to the beat of her own drum dressed in head to toe purple with a Dallas Cowboy's jersey underneath. You know, because you always have to be ready for football season. And when I think of her I hope we're making her proud. But most of all I hope that we're living life in the way that will allow us to see her again one day...in the next life. 

Until then, I love you Aunt Linda. You are my favorite. And you're missed something fierce down here. 

Aunt Linda, I Love You (Part I)

Back at the beginning of 2015 we were given some pretty devastating news about one of my aunts. My mom had called me one morning to tell me that my bright, bubbly, and wild spirited tia had gallbladder cancer. I had been sitting on this for awhile before I briefly wrote about it one day in a jumbled mess, and didn't really touch on it again. But I remember we were all a bit baffled due to the fact that she didn't have a gallbladder. It had been removed sometime before, and yet that's what she was diagnosed with. Stage IV. It was aggressive, rare, and very resistant to treatment. But they had caught it so they would be treating it just as aggressively. My aunt was a fighter, and I just knew that this was not going to keep her down. 

Soon after we received the news my aunt had surgery and started treatment. After a few months, we were granted our miracle: all scans were clear and the cancer was gone. The doctors were confused, and what once seemed like a death sentence was now a full-blown testament of God's work. Miracles really did happen! I was told that they would finish up her treatment to be on the safe side, and then after several months she'd have scans to make sure she was still stable. Y'all, this was the best news I had heard that year. And that year was a rough one. I remember feeling such relief, and happiness. When we saw her that summer I hugged her tightly. MY AUNT KICKED CANCER'S ASS, Y'ALL! 

I think we all believed that the worst part was over. That because of the clear scans, and the steady physical improvements she was making she was in the clear. We all went back to our normal day-to-day. If I had done any research back then I would have been more prepared, I think. I would have known that cancer didn't back down so easily. I would have known that the chances of recurrence were high. I would have known that this was just the beginning of her journey. But I didn't. So, at the beginning of the year when we were told it was back --and had been for awhile-- I was surprised, and honestly a bit shocked. "How the hell did it come back? What are the next steps?" My mom said that she'd start chemo immediately, and asked that we start praying for my aunt daily as the next course of treatment would be really rough. So we prayed. We sent group texts, and words of encouragement. Pictures of sunrises, sunsets, and anything out in nature because my aunt loved being outside. We don't live in the same state, and I feel like this was our way of contributing. Of helping, and being there for her. Some days we'd get long conversations, and pictures in return. Other days she'd let us know she was too tired to keep up with the banter. But she felt good. She felt strong. And that's all that mattered. 

Then we were given some bad news. About three weeks ago, we were told that the chemo was making my aunt really sick. Her cancer had not grown, but it had not shrunk either. However the chemo was not helping, and it was only weakening her body to the point of it not being able to fight off anything. She was dehydrated and rapidly losing weight. By the following week she was being rushed to the hospital, and when they sent her in to have more scans done they informed our family that her cancer had spread. We received the call that following day with the news, and that's when we decided to go visit our family in Georgia while Emery was off on Spring Break. We spent time with aunts and uncles. My daughter was able to spend time with one of her cousins. She ran around in the front yard, and we could hear their giggles through the screen door. I was able to see several of my cousins, and one night we sat out on the porch just talking for a while about our lives. We all laughed and cried. We prayed, and we sat with my aunt each day. I painted her nails one night, and we exchanged stories of when we were all little. I would enter the room every time by announcing, "Aunt Linda! It's you're favorite niece here!" And she would give me her great big smile while softly replying, "Yes, mija, my favorite niece." 

We spent two full days there. On the last day that we went over before hitting the road, everyone gathered around to pray, and sing a few songs with my aunt. We had our own little praise, and worship  session right there in her living room. She wore this huge smile on her face, and she was being sassy towards my uncle which we all loved seeing. She asked me to take some pictures of her with her brothers and sisters, and then asked me to send them to her. I sent them in that same group text, and before I left I gave her a hug and kiss. Emery hugged her and kissed her cheek before saying goodbye. before walking out of the house I sat on the chair next to her, and said, "Okay Aunt Linda, we have to head back to Texas now. I love you so much, and we'll see you when we come back for a visit in May. You better be ready to dance, okay?" She smiled at me, "Okay. I love you too mija. Y'all are coming back in May? I can't wait to see y'all then. Drive safe." I gave her a final kiss, and then we all loaded up in our vehicle to start the long 12-hour drive back home. 

Miracles

In my last post I spoke to you guys about my aunt. She had recently been diagnosed with Stage IV Gallbladder cancer. She was told that it was very aggressive and resistant to treatment. Anything they did at this point was only going to buy her time. We were pretty much told that this was it. But my mother, kept insisting that this was not the end. "Miracles happen every day, Raquel. God has the last word." And so with that, we kept praying. 

I've heard so many tragic stories though. In my heart I knew that the chances of recovery would have to come down to just that: a miracle. And so I started to prepare myself for the time when I'd have to let go. When I'd have to be strong for my mom. When I'd have to say goodbye to my aunt. That alone was unreal to me. I'm 27 years old and still I'm the one who seeks out my mother when I need to break down. When I need a good cry. When I need that reassurance that I'm going to be okay. She has always been my strength. So, for us to reverse roles when she needed a moment was so unexpected. It definitely made me appreciate her that much more for all the times she's helped me back up. And during this difficult time, she needed us to believe. She needed us to get on our knees every night, and say a little prayer. She needed me to give her a hug, and let her know that everything was going to be okay. And so, I did just that. 

Now, I know that there are so many people out there who believe in God, and just as many that don't. I'm very much aware that my religion isn't the only one out there either. And I won't treat anyone else any differently for not believing the same way that I do. Well, maybe if they use it as an excuse to hurt someone but that's another can of worms. It's their free will and in the end I have no right to judge. However, for me this is it. And at the end of April, we received some pretty amazing news. And just like my mother said "God has the last word." 

Many didn't know what I was going through these last few month's. Well my family and I. Here's part of my testimony....
Posted by Linda Graciale on Thursday, April 16, 2015

Thoughts on a Thursday

About a week after claiming that I would get back to blogging regularly I was hit with three exams back to back. I started working on new blog pages, and started brainstorming some ideas that I wanted to post about. I worked on finally uploading all of those damn pictures that are just sitting on our camera. I was feeling inspired; creative. Then the following week my brother-in law decided to come for a visit so we spent a lot of time out and about. As welcomed as the visit was, I wasn't in the right place. Recently, I've been dealing with anxiety; a story for another time. I tried to make the best of it, but I know I wasn't much fun during that week at all. And then one morning during that same week while getting everyone ready for the day, and trying to find my damn keys I received a call from my mother. "Do you remember that surgery your aunt had a few weeks ago?" Yes. "Well...it's...it's cancer." 

We've had a lot of questions answered and some not so much. We know what it is, it's aggressiveness, and the statistics. It's been hard for some of us to really understand what comes next. Everything is up in the air, and yet at the same time it's...still. It's harder for my mom because she feels a bit helpless knowing she can't actually be there in Georgia with my aunt through this. As the time ticks away, and the day's go by turning into weeks this gets worse. So far, there is nothing to be done until she's healed from the first surgery. And now there are second opinions to be had, hospitals to visit, decisions to consider. My mother is thinking of taking a leave of absence from work over the summer to go out there. For now there has been a lot of praying, church, and prayer groups both here and there. My aunt is positive, and more at peace with this news than I would imagine anyone to be. She keeps in contact with us, and lets us know everything that is happening as well as future plans. We receive scriptures, and bible verses. My mother is trying her best to stay positive and to be at peace with whatever may come, but over this weekend she let that slip for a few minutes. And as we sat in the middle of an empty laundry mat at 7 am she cried while I hugged her. I have only ever imagined the pain that would come if I were to ever lose my brother. I don't think I'd be able to breathe. But my mom, who is just as close to her siblings as I am my brother, is actually having to feel this. She really has to consider that she could possibly lose a sister. And that, to me, is heartbreaking. 

Even though my aunt and I don't get to see each other very often, she's still an important person to me. I love her, and she's a really wonderful person. She's bubbly, bright, and has this strong love for God that I only wish to one day achieve. I can talk to her about anything and there's no judgement. Growing up I was always told that my personality held parts of her, and parts of one other aunt. It's like I was split equally they always said. I always took that as a compliment because the women in my family are pretty extraordinary in their own right. So, for something like this to happen to her it just feels unreal. I feel like I haven't yet accepted it, and even now as I write about it this just seems like a really bad dream. I keep telling my mom that this worry is all for nothing. She's going to kick cancer's ass, and it'll just be another thing that makes her such a badass. Still, as with anything, there's always that negative. There's always the tiny little thought at the back of your mind telling you that this could end badly. That this could be one of those cases where bad shit happens to good people and there isn't a damn thing we can do about it. I'm trying to fix that though. I'm trying to stay positive. I'm trying my best to be there for my mom. And for now, all we can do is wait. And hope. So, if things don't pick up around here like I had hoped/wanted it to just know it's for a reason.

Ro Baby, You're Changing The World

I want to introduce you to Rockstar Ronan. Ronan, who passed away last year due to Neuroblastoma, a type of childhood cancer is the son of Maya Thompson. I can't stress enough, how much Maya and Ro have both impacted my life. He as a "spicy" child who fought with everything he had. She as a mother who never gave up on her baby. Who is still fighting to this day to kick cancer's ass.

I started following Ronan's story about half a year before his passing, through Maya's blog. And their story is just as amazing as it is heartbreaking. I hope you take the time to read her blog. I've laughed with her. I've been angry for her. And I've cried so many tears with and for her. For Ronan. For the life he SHOULD have had but that was stolen by an awful disease. A disease that kills one child every 4 hours.

Sadly, Ronan lost his fight last year, just a week shy of his birthday. Now, even though he's gone, Maya continues to fight the fight. She is a fearless woman, and she's giving cancer a big "FUCK YOU". She is loud and making people listen. Teaching and opening eyes. Shedding light on something that many people choose to be ignorant of. And she is making a huge impact.

Tonight Stand Up 2 Cancer had a a call in fundraiser that aired on local channels (ABC, Fox, etc), but is also being replayed on HBO. If you didn't get a chance to watch it or call in, you can donate by going to their website. Also, Taylor Swift sang a new song, specifically written for Ronan. You can find it on iTunes and if you buy the song, 100% of the proceeds go towards ALL types of cancer research funding and treatments.

Please consider buying the song. I know that some of you may not be a fan of her music, but it's for a wonderful cause! One that we should all be concerned about. And stop by Maya's blog or The Ronan Thompson Foundation website to donate, give words of encouragement, or just leave them lots of love!  

Please Pray for Piper

This family needs some major prayers. Or good vibes, if your not into prayer. Please? 

Thank you.

Goodbye Little Man

Dear Keegan,

I’m so sorry that you had to go. I’m so sorry that we all failed you. You are such a beautiful soul, and I know that you’re in a better place. But that doesn’t stop us from wanting you back here. To be with your family where you belong. You will be so deeply missed little man. We love you to the moon, and back.

Dear Beth,

If you ever get to read this I just wanted to let you know that I am so, so very sorry. I’m so sorry that we failed you. I’m so sorry that you had to go through this. No mother should ever have to deal with the loss of their child. You have been so brave, and honest. So open, and I want to thank you for sharing Keegan with us. He is such a beautiful, beautiful little boy. It truly breaks my heart to see what you and you’re family have to go through now. Nothing I say could possibly ease you’re pain, but I hope that God brings you some comfort. You are all in my prayers.      

Lots of Love and My Deepest Condolences,

The Rosenbalm Family

Halloween

Happy Halloween!

Happy Samhain!

It’s been awhile, aye? The past few weeks have been pretty busy. From October 19-26th we had several celebrations. I had some posts in the works for my brother’s birthday and for my future sister-in-law’s birthday, but I got caught up in a lot of school that I didn’t have time to finish them. Once I do, I’ll post them on their respective days (if I get the chance).

On our birthday weekend my husband and I attempted to have a date night. We got all dressed up, but once we hit town we realized there just wasn’t anything to do. So, we grabbed some alcohol, drink mix materials, and headed home. Since Em was out with my mother we decided to make drinks, listen to music, and play some card games! Oh my gosh is my age showing?!? We had a blast, and at the end of the night we brought Emery back home, and went to sleep! All by MIDNIGHT!! Yea, if it wasn’t showing before it is now. LOL! That Sunday, we spent time with some friends. Emery and I were able to have a girls only lunch with a friend of mine. It was definitely needed, and nice.

This past weekend, my grandmother came back home. She’s spent a few months in Georgia with some of her other children and family. As awesome as it is for her to go visit, get away for awhile, and spend time with them we really missed her! Two of my uncle’s brought her down so it was nice to get to spend time with them this weekend too. 

School has been good. I was caught up in a few back to back exams so I spent a lot of time with my nose in a book. That or taking notes, and practicing essays. This in turn left me feeling very...anxious. Thankfully, this past Saturday was filled with projects to help me “shake it off”. I did a mass load of laundry. Rearranged the workout/storage room. I set up the basics of my husband’s new “man cave”. There are still some things we have to get for it. I gave our “first born” a bath, and then finally moved Emery’s crib into our room. Lots of dusting, sweeping, and mopping. It was awesome! I really felt like I was getting everything ready for winter. This next weekend, I’m doing another clothes haul! I’ll be sending some stuff to my cousin and the rest to H.O.P.E. Needless to say, I’ve been feeling very productive.

I’m still heartbroken over the news about Keegan. And as much as I wish that I could make all these sick kids better, I know that I can’t. So, I just hope that every single one of them has the best time while here. Whether it be a few months, or a lifetime. I pray that they feel comfort and love no matter what. And now, I hope everyone has a safe and wonderful Halloween!! 

It Was Suppose To Be...

Today was suppose to be a good day. 

Recently, I deleted my caringbridge app on my iPhone because, I was so depressed. I still checked on them online. I just couldn't have it right there on my phone 24/7. I got so attached. I cried, and I got angry. I felt as if I was related to all of those kids. In some ways I put myself in their mothers shoes. And I lived my daily life constantly worried. Worried that any day, it could be Emery. I cried.

So, I decided to take a bit of a break. My heart just couldn't handle so much death. And all of them so young. Babies even. YOUNGER than Emery. All gone because of some stupid piece of shit disease. For every one survivor there seemed to be four deaths. So, I stopped. Maybe that’s cowardly, and I can’t imagine what those moms are going through but I just had to take a breath. I had to stop, and spend a little time in my oblivious world, enjoying my baby girl.

But today, on my own damn birthday, I read this. I’d been following this family for awhile, and only recently had I stopped checking on her blog because of being so busy with school. But today I saw a post on Facebook from the Layla Grace Foundation and I felt like I had been slapped with a ton of bricks. So I immediately went over to her blog and read her update. The air was knocked right out of me. Then, I saw this:

Peek-a-Boo! from Keegansmommy09 on Vimeo.

And I cried. This little baby, was given a few months to as little as a few weeks left to live. That’s it. That’s IT?? THAT CAN’T BE FUCKING IT! I feel so hurt. I feel so damn angry. I can’t imagine what Beth is feeling right now. All I want to do is cry and make it all go away. I want to make him better. I want for him to be a giggly two year old and have him grow up to be an old man with a wife, and grandchildren. I want him to have a life. That’s how I feel about all of them. That’s how it’s suppose to be. But for some damn reason, it won’t happen. And this really really pisses me off.

FUCK!

This was suppose to be a good day. They were suppose to get good news.

The Ride Will Have To Wait (pity party time)

I can’t do it. I couldn’t take my parents money. Not because I didn’t want to, I would have if I had been able to agree to the terms of the “loan” but because I’m just not ok with paying my parents back with all of our income tax return. We need that money to settle with the credit card company and with my car loan company. Not to mention our medical bills and Emery’s medical bills. From when she was born. I need to fix my credit if we ever want to get our own place again. Most apartment complexes around here do credit checks now, and banks won’t let you buy a house if you’re credit is down the shitter. I need to clear mine up if I ever want to get out of this “shack” we live in.

I could pay them off, monthly like you would a bank, but that’s not what they were thinking/wanting. So, I’m not doing it. The whole processes is frustrating because I really need a car. It’s coming to the point where my parents will take back their truck because it wasn’t meant to be used to go to Stephenville everyday much less Weatherford twice a week. Their truck was suppose to be their weekend/special occasion truck. My dad wants to not have too many more miles put on it. I don’t blame him. We’ve had enough time to gather up some money to put towards a car but shit happens. Unexpected expenses (lawyer, court fees, hospital bills, doctor visits) kind of kicked our asses last year (some this year too) and we’re still paying for them.

Today “depression” really hit me. This is so fucking sad. I know people have it worse, and I should be grateful that my family is together and healthy. But what kind of mom does this make me? I can’t even afford to provide my family with a decent home with a working toilet or hot water! Our “house” is a joke. I can’t afford to get a car because a bank won’t loan me the money, and those “we finance” dealerships are out of their MINDS when it comes to payments. I owe my parents over $3,000 already. The real reason I’m probably losing weight is because some days I go without eating meals because I can’t afford to spend more than $100 on groceries. $60 of that is Emery’s necessities (diapers, milk, lunches/dinners). I went so far as to think about entering a bunch of contests in hopes that maybe I’d win some cash or, if I were super lucky, a car! Then I read about how the government taxes the shit out of stuff that you “win” so I decided against it. Yea, can you believe I even looked it up?? I’m a desperate woman.

I’ve even been flirting with the idea of dropping out of college or just not going back next semester. We could really use that extra $100 a week that we spend on gas. Maybe I could go back next summer, or at least after we get everything paid off? I don’t know. I’m just at a loss as to what to do?? Yes, I’m feeling sorry for myself. But, hey, I’m allowed every once in awhile, when shit gets really hard. You can tell I’m upset because I used way to many curse words in this post.

p.s. Fuck, CANCER. 

Please pray for Regan and her parents.

Prayer Request - Madison Schafer Update

“Without suffering there would be no compassion."  - Jamie

Yeah, well tell that to those who suffer." – Landon

- A Walk To Remember-

After reading about Madison I had this huge urge to go home and snuggle up with my baby girl. The minutes seemed like hours and all I wanted to do was be with Emery. Madison is such a precious little girl, and just like countless others she is fighting to just stay alive. That is not fair! This little girl has done NOTHING to deserve this. As I was headed home I cried, and I kept asking “How the hell did the world come to this?” I don’t know how many times I’ve asked this same question out loud? I usually find myself waiting for an answer that I know I will never get here on earth.

I don’t understand why people do bad things, or why babies have to die. I don't understand why people murder, or why some people that are guilty walk free. I don’t get why natural disasters end up wiping out towns and with them, PEOPLE. I don’t understand why there are still so many diseases we have no cure for. Why are there still so many countries with starving people? I don’t understand why there is so much HATE in this world. It's disheartening to think about.

Please keep this little one, and every little one fighting for their lives, in your prayers. 

Prayer Request - Madison Schafer

Please read, and pray.

Thank you.

Back to square one!!

So Much Sadness

I am so emotionally drained.

I kind of feel like I’m just going through the motions. My husband and I talked about “the incident” last night, and we are both disappointed. I really have no idea what he was thinking, but I know from experience that being under the influence of that pill really leaves you without a clue. It’s not an excuse. What he did was wrong, but he did do the right thing by giving it back. So for that, I am proud of him. My husband, on the other hand, is beating himself up over it pretty well. He says he feels like a piece of crap. He keeps telling me that he’s sorry for the things that will be said about me, for being with him. He says he doesn’t deserve any kind of happiness. Anytime he’d laugh he’d stop mid-laugh, and go back to being upset. I told him not to go that far. He still had me and Em. But, I did not appreciate being lied to. I questioned him some more and told him he better answer truthfully. I was in no mood to take anything else, no more lies. I feel satisfied with the answers that I got. Still, he knows what will happen if I find out that he lied to me again. Also, no more pills. If he ever does any of them again, he’ll have to leave. I think the consequences of what he did, and the falling out of some of our friends is really teaching him a lesson though. A pretty hard one.

However, I do not appreciate the threats that were made towards him. I do not appreciate the things being said about him, about us. But, I understand that we reap what we sow. I’m disappointed in some of our “friends”. Disappointed at how mean, cruel, and hurtful they are being. Disappointed at all the judgments being made. Especially when so many of them have done so much worse. Regardless of, if it were years ago or days ago. The mistake was still made. I firmly believe that you can’t be casting stones for a fault that you yourself have committed. I’m disappointed in the band. I’m disappointed at how fast people turned their backs on us. I’m just all around disappointed.

Then, I found out that this little rockstar we had been praying for, lost his battle this past Monday. I am so, so very hurt by this. I stayed up praying for him Sunday night, and begging for him to have more time with his family. Since I heard of his passing I can’t seem to stop spontaneously crying! I am feeling so much pain for his mother. I put myself in their shoes and it hurts too much. I hug Emery so close to me when I have her because I feel like I have to physically hold her and touch her to make sure she’s really here. I know that’s dumb, and I know she’s healthy. But, I feel like it just as easily could have been us. That could have been OUR story. And it makes me so sad to know that this family (or any family for that matter) should ever have to go through this. I've said it so many times, and I'll say it again: No parent should ever have to bury their own baby.

Maya, I am so very sorry. My heart truly breaks for you and your family. I wish I could bring him back to you. You didn't deserve this and Ro especially didn't deserve this! And I am so very very sorry for that. 

via and original

I will never understand why children have to go through any of this. Why must they go through any pain, disease, illness, suffering, or abuse? Why won’t people stop talking about marital rights or “The Wedding”, and start talking about childhood cancer? Or Child Abuse? Or Cystic Fibrosis? Why are there so many selfish people out there that have so much money and spend it on new clothes, make-up, or cars instead of donating it to a cause? Why don’t people take any of these seriously? Why are so many of these organizations underfunded? With as much money as we pay celebrities, we could have advanced so far in research and new drugs. Hell, we might have even found something that could HELP with the money some of these people spend on SHOES! And it blows my mind. It makes me so ashamed...

And finally, I’m just tired. I’m tired of the drama. I’m tired of having to defend ourselves. I’m tired of people bringing negativity into my life. I’m tired of people being two-faced towards us. I’m tired, of everything! I’m so ready to pack up and get the hell out of here! Somewhere no one knows us. I’m wanting to have a fresh start. A new start. Just not sure if we’ll ever get one.   

♥ Layla Grace Marsh 3/9/2010 ♥

This story truly breaks my heart. And what’s worse, is that there are so many children out there suffering! Not only from cancer, but from several other diseases. It seems like the farther we get along, the worse it gets. We have mother’s having abortions, people starving in other countries, children dying, hate crimes, and a whole bunch of other problems! And most of us just sit here, and we go on living our lives, pretending our own little problems are the end of the world. I AM GUILTY OF THIS! I am so guilty of this.

So when I ran across this story, I couldn’t help but break down into tears. Here was a family that lost their baby to something as ugly as cancer, and I was worried about Emery not self-soothing yet? What is WRONG with me?!? There are parents out there that have lost a child to SIDS, CANCER, STILLBIRTH, CAR ACCIDENTS, DISEASES, DEFECTS, and MISCARRIAGES! Women who would love to have my “problem”. Babies who would love to not have to go through chemo, be hooked up to a monitor, go through surgery, and just get a chance to run around outside! 

Every 4 hours a child dies from cancer. That’s 6 children a day. That’s one too many.

7,000 Babies die due to SIDS each year (that’s almost one every hour every day).

According to Child Maltreatment 2009, an estimated 1,770 children died as a result of abuse or neglect in 2009.

I know that GOD does things for a reason, and I know that all of those children are playing in heaven. And I hope that one day I’ll get to hear the sounds of their little feet! That I’ll get to hug every single one of them. But right now, I want to help whoever I can. I want to stop being so selfish and start making a difference for someone out there!! For the amount it costs me to eat out ONCE a week, I could send to help a family pay for chemotherapy. For the amount it takes me to buy Em all those toys, I could give a child a gift to lift their spirits! I would want someone to do that for my child. I would want to know that others were helping me give my little girl a chance. Now I’m not saying stop eating out or stop buying your kids things. I’m just saying, every once in a while, think about someone else. Volunteer, donate, hold fundraisers, send care packages, or even just a card! It really does make that much of a difference.  It really does help. 

Layla Grace Marsh

11/26/2007- 3/9/2010

Layla Grace Marsh was born on November 26, 2007. At 17 months old, she was diagnosed with Stage 4 Neuroblastoma. The next 10 months of her life consisted of chemotherapy, radiation, surgeries, multiple blood transfusions, and a bone marrow harvest and transplant. Her parents, Ryan and Shanna Marsh, chronicled her progress through Twitter and their blog, laylagrace.org. On March 9, 2010—the joy, the beauty, the fighter—gained her wings.

Read Her Mother’s Post, One Year Later Here

And another one here.

Today we remember the little girl that won the world's heart. Today we remember her fight and that she lost the battle but continues to help others. Today we remember that there are still thousands of children out there fighting for their lives!

I Cried...

Good to Great | Layla Grace Children's Cancer Research Foundation

I can honestly say that I hadn't heard about this little girl. Probably because I was so caught up in my own world and problems that I didn't notice anything. I never really got online or watch the news.

And this makes me so sad. We have so many little angels up there...