The Ride Will Have To Wait (pity party time)

I can’t do it. I couldn’t take my parents money. Not because I didn’t want to, I would have if I had been able to agree to the terms of the “loan” but because I’m just not ok with paying my parents back with all of our income tax return. We need that money to settle with the credit card company and with my car loan company. Not to mention our medical bills and Emery’s medical bills. From when she was born. I need to fix my credit if we ever want to get our own place again. Most apartment complexes around here do credit checks now, and banks won’t let you buy a house if you’re credit is down the shitter. I need to clear mine up if I ever want to get out of this “shack” we live in.

I could pay them off, monthly like you would a bank, but that’s not what they were thinking/wanting. So, I’m not doing it. The whole processes is frustrating because I really need a car. It’s coming to the point where my parents will take back their truck because it wasn’t meant to be used to go to Stephenville everyday much less Weatherford twice a week. Their truck was suppose to be their weekend/special occasion truck. My dad wants to not have too many more miles put on it. I don’t blame him. We’ve had enough time to gather up some money to put towards a car but shit happens. Unexpected expenses (lawyer, court fees, hospital bills, doctor visits) kind of kicked our asses last year (some this year too) and we’re still paying for them.

Today “depression” really hit me. This is so fucking sad. I know people have it worse, and I should be grateful that my family is together and healthy. But what kind of mom does this make me? I can’t even afford to provide my family with a decent home with a working toilet or hot water! Our “house” is a joke. I can’t afford to get a car because a bank won’t loan me the money, and those “we finance” dealerships are out of their MINDS when it comes to payments. I owe my parents over $3,000 already. The real reason I’m probably losing weight is because some days I go without eating meals because I can’t afford to spend more than $100 on groceries. $60 of that is Emery’s necessities (diapers, milk, lunches/dinners). I went so far as to think about entering a bunch of contests in hopes that maybe I’d win some cash or, if I were super lucky, a car! Then I read about how the government taxes the shit out of stuff that you “win” so I decided against it. Yea, can you believe I even looked it up?? I’m a desperate woman.

I’ve even been flirting with the idea of dropping out of college or just not going back next semester. We could really use that extra $100 a week that we spend on gas. Maybe I could go back next summer, or at least after we get everything paid off? I don’t know. I’m just at a loss as to what to do?? Yes, I’m feeling sorry for myself. But, hey, I’m allowed every once in awhile, when shit gets really hard. You can tell I’m upset because I used way to many curse words in this post.

p.s. Fuck, CANCER. 

Please pray for Regan and her parents.

Hangovers Suck and I Had a Mommy Fail Moment

I’m getting old people. I’m 23 going on 70, no lie. This past Saturday, my mother babysat so we could go to our friends “Welcome Home Party”. My brother-in-law got to come with us, and a friend of mine also came. It was going to be a good night. I honestly, didn’t have a lot to drink. I just had enough to get myself into a nice buzz (8 oz of diluted liquor, 5 beers). I was on my best behavior (no flashing this time), and I was nice to my husband. No violence on my part. I danced, I socialized, and I had myself a good time. Then, I realized it was already 1 a.m. So, it was time to go!

My brother-in-law, my friend, and I decided to walk to our houses. We were literally 2 blocks down the road. So off we stumbled, giggling and trying to avoid the angry crazy chick we had pissed off as we left. Someone (friend) had the bright idea to cut through this field to get to her house, and about halfway through, I realized it was a BAD idea. There were so many stickers and sticker patches! I was in flip-flops. The whole bottoms of my flip-flops were covered in them, and my ankles were all scratched up from them. My husband was the smart one because he drove the vehicle home (he wasn’t drunk). Once we got home we got Emery and we went to bed.

The next morning was complete and utter torture! It was HELL. Emery woke me up at 7 a.m. and I had the worst headache of my life. My body ached, and I spent most of the morning on the couch or with my head in the toilet. It sucked, and it hurt. I felt so bad for Emery. She just wanted to play and I couldn’t do it. Then, once during my puking, I didn’t have time to completely close the door and Emery managed to open it. She saw me puking, and came up to me and patted my back. She’s 1 1/2 years old?!? Unless I’m sick, she really shouldn’t see her mom with her head in the toilet. And at one point, I had to make myself throw up because I was just gagging, and then she started mimicking the sounds. I felt like such a horrible mother. Once my husband woke up, no hangover for him, he took over the parenting duties, while I went back to sleep.

When I woke back up, Emery was asleep next to me and I was perfectly fine. I still felt awful about Emery seeing me like that. So I talked to my husband about “retiring” from partying. I really only drink because my husband gets a little offended when I don’t have a “good time” when we get invited to these parties but I told him that I didn’t think my body could really take it anymore. It took me half a day to get over this hangover (I didn't even drink that much) and it was excruciating! I think I kind of need a bit of a break. I keep saying I need to quit drinking altogether, but I doubt that will happen anytime soon. I like wine, and champagne too much. But, I do think that I shouldn’t drink to the point of even getting a buzz anymore. I need to have better self-control and just stop at a certain point. Because I can’t handle another one of those hangovers. It was brutal, and I still have a few body aches remaining. Not fun! 

A Little Lost (Part III): This is...Me?

Who are you?

Yea, I don’t know who I am anymore. Somewhere along the “path of life”, I fell off a damn cliff into a deep ass ravine and have slowly been trying to climb my way back out ever since. With no luck. This has not been an easy nor fun journey for me. At all. I’m kicking myself for not knowing the signs. When did this happen? When did I change so drastically? Yes, pregnancy sucked and becoming a mother changes you. But does it really go this far? Or is this what growing up really feels like? Losing so much of you on your way to adulthood?

I don’t know if I like music? I don’t know if I like concerts? Tattoos? Piercings? Do I even like books still? What about having fun? Do I even know what that is? Oh! And makeup? Do I still like that? Because from the looks of me, you’d think I didn’t know what mascara was. And these are just the small things! I have no idea if I’m happy or unhappy? Am I wanting to still fight or do I want to give up? Do I go to school or wait? Do I even want a career in what I’m thinking of going for? Friends? Do I want friends? Will I make friends? Or will my only contact be Emery? Was that really a feeling or am I so numb I can’t tell? Do I even care?

I am so messed up right now! I say that with enthusiasm too. Because everything is so out of whack for me right now. I don’t know what I want, or what I don’t like. I feel like I’m just a damn shell. I’m on auto-pilot. An out of body experience maybe? I have no idea how to feel or what to do. This is so frustrating to me! I was supposed to grow up and do something with myself. I was supposed to be so sure and secure with myself. Such a strong independent woman, Raquel. But she is nowhere to be found.

Just writing this makes me feel so twisted and uncomfortable. I feel like my body should be tangled up into a ball to match my emotions. It’s not depression. I’ve been there, and that was an ugly mess. Plus, the feelings of self-harm aren’t there like when I was depressed. Those scars are a constant reminder of what depressed is, and I’m not there. At least I don’t think I am. I mean, unless there are different levels of depression (kind of like different levels of hot sauce: Mild, Spicy, and Hot), I’m definitely not there yet. I’m just here. My body is here. My mind is racing and it refuses to stop. Even my dreams are related to whatever it is I’m thinking about all day. Divorce, happily ever after, changes, California, being a bad mother, losing my child, or being free of all these emotions. I wake up every morning with a headache. It’s like I don’t get any rest, just more thoughts. More worries. More feelings. I fucking HATE feelings. Seriously, who needs them? Ok, scratch that. If I had no feelings, I wouldn’t know the love I have for my daughter. And believe me when I say she is my soul mate. She is the air to me. When I’m with her, everything fades out and I just enjoy being. I don’t think about anything else but her giggles and her curiosity. Watching her discover new things, is a thousand times better than any TV show.

So why is it that after having her, my world feels like it was put in a blender? Why is it that after having her, she is the only thing that I’m certain of? I may not know me anymore, but I know her. I know that she is real and that my purpose in life is to be a good mother to her. But am I even doing that? My paranoia and fear of failure are literally making me sick. My gosh, I am really messed up. I bet this post doesn’t even make sense...? It just goes and goes at random, huh?

THIS IS WHAT MY HEAD IS FILLED WITH WHEN I’M NOT AROUND MY DAUGHTER.

It’s not postpartum, because fuck it’s been a year and a half. Plus, I love my baby girl and I’m happy when I’m around her. So what is wrong with me? Why am I so confused? Why does my life feel so upside down? Why can’t I answer this simple question: “Who are you?” I have no idea who I am. I have no answers, and I have no idea where to even begin to find them!

Ugh! I piss myself off. 

School, Again?

I need to get my stuff together. Today, I woke up and I looked around. Just sat there and took everything in. I couldn’t help but feel like a bit of a failure. Emery was there sleeping peacefully, but so many things flashed through my head. About her future. About our family's future.

I’ve dabbled in trying to get back into school or doing continuing education courses before. But I have no idea what I want to do! I don’t know if I could handle being a nurse, or radiologist. Do I want to be a teacher or a business major? I mean seriously, I have no clue what I would find fulfilling! That’s a lot of money that would be wasted if I didn’t stick with whatever it is that I chose. I don’t want to do that. I want to be certain and to get something out of it. Time is so not on my side either! I’ve tried to make time to study before, but it is sooooo hard! I’m a mom, wife, and work full time. Where the hell do I find time to study, go to school, and get all of my other “normal” stuff done? How do other people do it?? Oh, and anything I chose to do, would have to be mostly online because I don’t have the money to be traveling back and forth. So does that limit me on what I can or can not get a degree in? Uggh!! So many QUESTIONS!!

Then, I have a problem with my diploma. It isn’t really valid because of who we went through. I mean, it is valid, I did graduate, but I was homeschooled. And some college don’t accept it unless it was through a credited program. And most kids that are homeschooled end up taking the SAT, ACT, or TAAKS test so that’s how they are able to get into colleges. I never took any of those. I high tailed it out of Texas to go experience “life”. So there are so many circles you have to jump through, it’s ridiculous. But if you don’t have any of those tests taken, you can try going through getting a GED. Which means my diploma would mean nothing, and I’d have to start all over. And I really don’t want that.

But today, when I woke up and looked around. All I saw was us being confined to two rooms. No money to fix up what we needed. Floors halfway finished. No hot water, or working shower and toilet. And I looked at my daughter and couldn’t help but feel ashamed. This is not the life I want for us. I don’t want to be “barely getting by” all of the time. I want to be able to have a job no matter what state the economy is in, and I don’t want to be held back because all I have is a high school education. I want an actual home. I want to be able to fix things when they get broken, not steadily have to save to fix one thing at a time. I want a good sized income. I want to be able to take a vacation! I love my parents and I am so very grateful to them for helping us and for letting us stay in the house next door. It’s a roof over our heads after all. But I don’t want to rely on them forever. I don’t want to always use them as a fallback plan. They don’t deserve that, and my family doesn’t deserve that.

So now, I need to figure out how to get started. There is a really good community college about an hour away, but I work Mon.-Friday 8-5 and they don’t stay open past 4 pm. They don't hold appointments on the weekends either. Right now, I only take days off if Em is really sick because I have no paid vacation of sick days. And trust me, I take a hit if I miss a day. I wish there was someone I could talk to that could just help me! Point me in the right direction, tell me what my steps need to be. Because I have no clue. I don’t know where to get started, and even though I have friends who are going to college, most of them are not in my situation. They’ve taken the tests and so they don’t have to jump through so many hoops.

I’m completely lost. Anyone out there have any advice? I could really, really use some right about now. I know that going back to school is what I need to do. I know that this is the only way I will get anywhere in life really. Especially since I have no other talents or aspiration to own my own company one day. So, now I just have to get there. But that is so much easier said than done. 

Failure

I got my paycheck today. Barely enough to pay for our cell phone bill, a canister of formula and two packs of diapers.

I feel like I'm failing as a mother...

Pretty Fussy

My head hurts. I caught up on my sleep yesterday, finally. I woke up this morning even more tired. My daughter was as bushy-tailed as you can get at 6 am.

Recently, I feel like maybe we let this whole "I want to hold her 24/7" thing go for too long. Because now, my daughter wants to be held constantly. And she's only 4 1/2 months! She doesn't like to stay in her swing or her bouncy seat. And when you do carry her, you have to be standing. If you're not standing she'll start crying. And now that she's wanting to stay awake more, she's constantly crying! Also, when she's sleepy/hungry she will cry and cry. I try to give her a bottle and she spits it out and screams. 15 minutes later she's opening her mouth because she wants the bottle.

And to be honest, this frustrates me. I can't seem to get much done because she's crying and I'm trying to make her happy. I tried the whole "just sit her down and walk away" trick. But she cried for twenty minutes and she ended up gasping for air. So I had to pick her up.

How do you stop this? I can't help but think that maybe I'm too late, but I'm grasping at the ends of hope. Has anyone else out there had to deal with this?