Mommy Confession: Bratty

My kid is a brat. I’m talking full on screaming, kicking, destroy everything in her path, kind of a brat. Yea. How she got like this, I haven’t the slightest clue. Some people say it’s “the terrible two” stage. Others say she’s testing our limits. Welp, our limits have been reached.

It’s gotten to the point where I dread having to run errands in town and having to take her with me. Alone. Because that’s when she's the worst! Usually her fits are over me not letting her run around the store. At the grocery store, she’s always wanting to run around and throw things inside the cart. She likes to talk back, and slap at my face if I tell her she can’t have candy. People tell me I should DO something, but what can I do? My daughter is very strong willed, stubborn, and determined. Characteristics that I hope one day will benefit her. I've spanked her before, right in the middle of the aisle. All that does is cause her screaming to get louder. I've tried to just ignore her, and continue like there’s nothing wrong. This usually leads her to hit me or scream “MOMMY” at the top of her lungs. It's exasperating!

I hate being that family. The one everyone looks at and hopes the parents put a muzzle on their child so they can go on with their peaceful shopping. I've noticed that when my husband is with us, she does a complete one-eighty. She’ll throw a tantrum, and he’ll set her straight right away. Very rarely will she challenge him. And if she does, he takes her outside, and spanks her. She comes back in sad, but hardly ever will she act up again after that. When I try to do the same, she pretty much gets worse –louder. People start looking at me, or I’ll hear those comments “If that were my child...” That right there, is probably the most annoying thing I ever hear.

Now, don’t get me wrong, I love my kid. And I’m not embarrassed by the situation, I just get irritated. It’s the same scenario, over and over again. Every damn time we go out. I don’t think I’ve ever wanted to duct tape a kids mouth before, the way I sometimes do with my own kid. Don’t judge, you know you’ve thought it too. These “outbursts” don’t just happen when we’re out and about either. She refuses to listen to me at home too. By the end of my day, my nerves are shot, and I find myself wanting to shove my head under a pillow and be dead to the world. SERIOUSLY, who lets their kid dictate their life like this? Anyone? Anyone? 

Ugh, I’m not exactly sure where to go from here. I have no idea how to handle this type of situation, being a first time mom and all. And I don’t really have any other moms to talk to, that have gone through this. Well besides my own mother, but her answer is to let Em have whatever she wants. And that’s not gunna fly. I’ve also read so many different “stances” you can take. From spanking, to ignoring her. But nothing is working. And my husband can’t always be with us, so I can’t depend on him to be the disciplinarian every time she acts up. I need to figure out how to get control of my own kid. Because currently, she’s controlling me, and that’s just not how these roles are suppose to work. I’m the parent here, right?!

Knots

Lately, I’ve been feeling really out of whack. Like, A LOT out of whack. My stomach constantly feels like it’s in knots. I’m constantly questioning my decisions and over-thinking everything.

I found out this morning that FAFSA will no longer cover summer semesters, so I will be taking the summer off. As I stated before, I’m not looking to take out a loan (even if I wanted to my credit sucks). So this means that during the fall semester I will have to take five classes in order to stay on track. This means I will have to really really be on it. I can’t afford to get any bad grades, or fall behind in ANY of the classes. So that’s the latest development on the school front.

Emotionally right now, I feel as if I’m about to reach a fork in the road. Life seems like it’s standing still, and sooner or later I’ll have to go either right or left. There has been a lot going on in my head about a lot of personal issues that I’m having a hard time wrestling with. Usually I can figure all of this stuff out on my runs, but lately not even those are helping. I’m not exactly sure where I am. Where I stand right now. And for someone who always has a plan, this has been very hard for me. I don’t know if it’s the extra emotional strain of being a one income family again, or whether my hormones are just going bat-shit crazy but I feel like something’s wrong. With me.

Recently my mother told me I didn’t spend enough time with Emery. She thinks this is a big reason why Emery has recently started “lashing out” at me. Her words kind of felt like a slap to the face, and I walked away feeling like a failure. I realized that my days are usually filled with work, school, homework, & exercising. I try to make time for our walks, runs, dance sessions, garden time, and play time. Some days I just don’t have time, and my husband usually takes over. Now that Emery is two she’s pretty independent so for the most part she stays busy playing in her room with her toys. I use that time to go for runs, and I didn’t ever really see a problem with this. But maybe there is? Em gets to interact with three other kids at the sitters, so I wasn’t too concerned about her being socialized. She’s learning her numbers and her ABC’s. Mental development wise I feel like she’s right on track. But she has been acting up a lot. And it seems like it’s only with me. So, maybe I should put everything else on the back burner for awhile? I can’t help but feel like maybe there was some truth to what my mom said. I thought I was doing a good job with balancing things out up until she said something. According to her it might not be enough and I just might be losing precious time with my daughter which is the last thing I want.

My husband and I are doing good. Really good actually. It’s kind of strange. There have been no fights, no arguments, and no disagreements as of late. I know this is supposed to be a good thing. It feels as if we’re almost on the same page finally. But we’ve been together for a long time, and through out all of that, we’ve always had some kind of disagreement. I don’t mean like huge life altering ones (although we have had those), I just mean every day little things that kept our lives, for lack of a better word, sharp. We’ve always had these sassy moments that kept us on our toes. Recently, it seems as if we’ve kind of lost that. We’ve both been really busy and I think that we’ve kind of pushed our relationship to the side. It feels like we spend so much of our day dealing with everything else, and then if we have time we’ll spend some of it together. More often than not, we end our days with maybe 20 minutes of “us” time. I really feel like this needs to change. We’re too young to be that “old married couple”....right?

Confession Time - Frustrations

I’m not one to get really frustrated easily. I usually try to laugh things off, or find the humor in things. Because, for lack of better words, shit happens! It’s best to find a solution instead of getting pissed off, go into an unnecessary panic attack, and still be in the exact same position you were in to start with. Now, I haven’t always been like this, but I find it’s a positive change. Still, sometimes frustration is unavoidable. And even worse, it can sometimes be caused by your own kid.

My daughter is a blessing, and I love her with all of my heart. She is the air I breathe and the reason why I keep going every day. She brings such joy to our lives, and we are completely in love with her. We wouldn’t trade her for the world, and I am so excited to have been chosen to be her mother. With that said, she can also be one of the biggest brats I’ve ever seen. Ok maybe not the biggest, I have seen Toddlers and Tiara’s after all. But man could she give some of those kids a run for their money. No lie. Usually she gets like this when she’s tired or hungry. But recently she’s been acting up a lot more, and over things she really shouldn’t. She can’t really talk back, but she will yell back. She’ll bite you just because she thinks it’s funny to hear you scream. If you don’t let her hold things by herself she freaks out! She’s started to throw herself onto the floor, and she’ll do things she's not supposed to as you’re telling her no.

Last Sunday, due to lack of sleep, I really wasn’t in the mood to handle bratty behavior. But that’s usually about the time it’ll pop up. After a long day of her throwing things and screaming I finally sat her down for some dinner. I had her cup along with her food, and we sat down on the bed because her highchair was still next door. She asked for her water and I gave it to her. She tried to flip it and I said no. She tried to hit me. I smacked her little hand and she started crying. Then laughing. I proceeded to give her some food when she dodged the fork, reached for the cup and flipped it. Water went everywhere. Instead of yelling or getting mad I handed my husband the bowel, and walked out of the room. He fed her with no problems. She was as happy as a clam.

Sometimes, I ask myself “Why does she do that?” Because this is NOT the first time she’s done stuff like this. We do give spankings, and I say no all of the time. Sternly. She’s too little to know what “time out” is so I don’t even attempt that. And no matter how I try to discipline her she doesn’t really take me seriously. But when her father tells her something you can bet she listens. This gets to be a little frustrating when her father’s not around to say “Listen to your mother or you’re gunna get a spankin.” I have no idea where she’s learning this stuff either?! Throwing herself? Biting? I guess it could be the other little girl that the sitter takes care of? But I’ve asked our sitter to spank Emery if she acts up so unless she’s not following through with that I don’t know why Em thinks this type of behavior is ok?

I’m not really sure how to nip her little attitude in the bud. Maybe she’s just hitting the “terrible two’s” early, with force? Still, it can wear me out. I usually feel pretty guilty for letting myself get frustrated though. There are so many parents out there that would love to be dealing with this, but can’t. I don’t take these moments for granted, at all, and I don’t think it’s a question about whether we love her or not. I just don’t want to be that family that goes out and their kid is screaming or throwing things the whole time because they let them do whatever they want. Unfortunately, I may not have a choice?

Well, That Was Fun...

Ha! Oh man, where to begin. Ok, so after all of those “epiphanies” I talked about before. I realized that I need to have my own little world. Separate from my husbands. We can’t be together all of the time, and sometimes a little relaxing time on your own, with your own friends, can be a good thing. Unfortunately, I can probably count my girlfriends on one hand. Give or take a few fingers. Most of them don’t live around here anymore either. Now, let’s take into consideration that I spent most of my time hanging out with dudes rather than chicks growing up. So my phone book is pretty much all guys. No lie. As fun as it was then, it really sucks now because I’m left with very little “girl's night out” options. Booooo!

So I did the most awful thing in the world. *GASP* I had a night out with guy friends. Oh em gee, huh? I hadn’t heard from my friend in over a year, and I hadn’t actually seen him in over four years. There was literally so much we had to catch up on. He has a girlfriend and a little one, and I am married with my own little one. So, when he suggested that I meet him and a friend for drinks right after work, I said sure. I told my husband and he said for me to go ahead and go because then he’d get a chance to fit in a practice that day. I was pretty excited to get to see him again and see how he was doing. He used to be a really good listener and just an all-around good friend. So, I confirmed and we decided on a day to go have drinks after work.

It wasn’t until thinking about it some more that I wondered if it was even a good idea? If someone my husband and I knew saw us? Would they make a huge thing about it and start rumors? What about his friends? Would his girlfriend get mad? That’s the last thing I need. He’s a friend. A person that was in my life before marriage in a non-romantic way and we’re catching up. Is that really a bad thing? I figured since my husband was ok with it I shouldn’t have to worry. I just don’t want to give my family a bad reputation. And I really don’t need any of those “omg she’s totally cheating on her husband with those two guys” rumors making there way around town. It’s not nice.

Well, I had myself a good time. We caught up, had some beers, and had a few debates. I was told that I still looked the same, which I totally know he was lying, I’ve packed on a couple pounds after all. We talked about parenthood. How we’ve both changed and grown up in different ways. I talked about how I was focused on getting back into shape because I felt so huge after having a child. He and his friend talked about how us girls worry too much about appearances and weight. Apparently, I sound just like their girlfriends when I talk about it. LOL! He said that I was a beautiful woman and my husband was a lucky man and that I should always take compliments as a good thing. I got to talk about how much I missed California, and about Emery. We shared pictures of our kids, and it felt like old times kind of. It’s nice being able to talk to someone and it not be all serious, feelings, and bills. We paid for our drinks, said our goodbye's, and I went grocery shopping. I did end up seeing a friend of ours there and he came up to say hello and asked about my husband and the babe. He gave me a hug and told me to tell the old man hello. And that was that.

So this brings up my question: Is it wrong to have a night out or happy hour drinks with your guy friends? I’ve never really seen any of my guy friends in that way, so I never thought twice about it before. Now that I’m married, however, I’m not exactly sure what the ground rules are? I usually avoided it or I make sure that my husband comes along every time I meet up with guy friends. But, is this really a big problem? Should it be something avoided? My husband has had his “guy nights” where there were females in attendance. At first, I was a little annoyed, but it’s not like he can control who gets invited. I just trust that he wouldn’t do something he's not supposed to. He, in turn, trusts me. And I’m so not the cheating kind. I love my husband, and I’m not out looking for anything else. Still, it seems like this kind of stuff is looked down on. A lot. And after actually going out and doing it, I don’t really know why...?

p.s Just to avoid all of the stress,

I probably won't do a night out with only guys next time.

It'll have to be a mixed group. LOL! 

A Little Lost (Part III): This is...Me?

Who are you?

Yea, I don’t know who I am anymore. Somewhere along the “path of life”, I fell off a damn cliff into a deep ass ravine and have slowly been trying to climb my way back out ever since. With no luck. This has not been an easy nor fun journey for me. At all. I’m kicking myself for not knowing the signs. When did this happen? When did I change so drastically? Yes, pregnancy sucked and becoming a mother changes you. But does it really go this far? Or is this what growing up really feels like? Losing so much of you on your way to adulthood?

I don’t know if I like music? I don’t know if I like concerts? Tattoos? Piercings? Do I even like books still? What about having fun? Do I even know what that is? Oh! And makeup? Do I still like that? Because from the looks of me, you’d think I didn’t know what mascara was. And these are just the small things! I have no idea if I’m happy or unhappy? Am I wanting to still fight or do I want to give up? Do I go to school or wait? Do I even want a career in what I’m thinking of going for? Friends? Do I want friends? Will I make friends? Or will my only contact be Emery? Was that really a feeling or am I so numb I can’t tell? Do I even care?

I am so messed up right now! I say that with enthusiasm too. Because everything is so out of whack for me right now. I don’t know what I want, or what I don’t like. I feel like I’m just a damn shell. I’m on auto-pilot. An out of body experience maybe? I have no idea how to feel or what to do. This is so frustrating to me! I was supposed to grow up and do something with myself. I was supposed to be so sure and secure with myself. Such a strong independent woman, Raquel. But she is nowhere to be found.

Just writing this makes me feel so twisted and uncomfortable. I feel like my body should be tangled up into a ball to match my emotions. It’s not depression. I’ve been there, and that was an ugly mess. Plus, the feelings of self-harm aren’t there like when I was depressed. Those scars are a constant reminder of what depressed is, and I’m not there. At least I don’t think I am. I mean, unless there are different levels of depression (kind of like different levels of hot sauce: Mild, Spicy, and Hot), I’m definitely not there yet. I’m just here. My body is here. My mind is racing and it refuses to stop. Even my dreams are related to whatever it is I’m thinking about all day. Divorce, happily ever after, changes, California, being a bad mother, losing my child, or being free of all these emotions. I wake up every morning with a headache. It’s like I don’t get any rest, just more thoughts. More worries. More feelings. I fucking HATE feelings. Seriously, who needs them? Ok, scratch that. If I had no feelings, I wouldn’t know the love I have for my daughter. And believe me when I say she is my soul mate. She is the air to me. When I’m with her, everything fades out and I just enjoy being. I don’t think about anything else but her giggles and her curiosity. Watching her discover new things, is a thousand times better than any TV show.

So why is it that after having her, my world feels like it was put in a blender? Why is it that after having her, she is the only thing that I’m certain of? I may not know me anymore, but I know her. I know that she is real and that my purpose in life is to be a good mother to her. But am I even doing that? My paranoia and fear of failure are literally making me sick. My gosh, I am really messed up. I bet this post doesn’t even make sense...? It just goes and goes at random, huh?

THIS IS WHAT MY HEAD IS FILLED WITH WHEN I’M NOT AROUND MY DAUGHTER.

It’s not postpartum, because fuck it’s been a year and a half. Plus, I love my baby girl and I’m happy when I’m around her. So what is wrong with me? Why am I so confused? Why does my life feel so upside down? Why can’t I answer this simple question: “Who are you?” I have no idea who I am. I have no answers, and I have no idea where to even begin to find them!

Ugh! I piss myself off. 

A Little Lost (Part II): Marriage

Letting go.

Marriage is supposed to be hard. Life was not meant to be easy. We as individuals are constantly changing. But was it suppose to be this hard? I am completely in love with my husband. Do not for one-second doubt that. However, I am completely turned off by the person that friends, society, and alcohol turn him into. Did I know this going in? Yes. But at the time, I was right there by his side, doing the exact same things.

I look back at pictures from before Em came along, and I wonder who I was? I was so certain. I knew what I wanted and who I was. I loved things. I had hobbies, goals, and dreams. I was constantly making new friends! I knew myself. My husband loved that person. That strong, independent, caring, and yet sometimes vicious me. We fell “in love” so fast, Bonnie and Clyde style. Back then, I was a pretty high priority to him. Sometimes, a guy would hit on me and he’d get all territorial. It was so cute how he’d say he wasn’t jealous, but he’d never let me out of his sight after that. He’d put his arm around my waist, and that’s where I’d stay for the rest of the night. Kissing, holding hands, and just being a couple. Sometimes, we’d go on day trips, or spend an afternoon watching movies. Just the two of us. Not really sure when that changed...?

But it did. I suppose it was when pregnancy stole my soul. When thoughts of being a “bad mom” started slowly creeping into my head making me a hermit. Maybe it’s when I started to copy the “idealistic traditional” role of what a mother should be, tossing myself aside. Or maybe it could have been when he started to take pills, and lie to me? Then again, maybe it was when I stopped worrying about him. When I gave up on even trying.

Have you ever been so tired that you’re afraid to stop? Because once you stop, you just know that your legs will give out and you’ll fall. Or have you ever been so tired, that moving causes you some kind of physical pain? That’s what my marriage feels like sometimes. Again, don’t get me wrong, we have so many good times. We have periods where we are so completely happy. We are so in love and it would make you sick just being around us. But when those low points start creeping up. Once we start getting a little too comfortable with our happiness, a shit storm comes through and we are left trying to pick up the pieces. I’m left feeling so tired, and so annoyed at this routine. I’m left feeling so neglected, so unimportant, and so alone that I want to scream. I want to smack my husband and ask him why the hell he’s putting me through all of this, AGAIN?!?! Why? Why? Why? Why? Then, I get an answer “It’s not just me.” And maybe he’s got a point.

Maybe I’ve changed too much? Maybe I don’t put enough attention to him? Maybe I’m so preoccupied with our daughter that I completely ignore him? Maybe I don’t exist anymore? At least not the old me. Maybe I am too anti-social? Maybe I nag too much? Maybe I’m way too uptight? Damn. How did life that was so good turn into this? How do we get past this? Or is this just it? Has our relationship run its course? To be quite honest, I don’t really know the answers to all of those. And the ones I think I might have figured out could change in an instant. My stomach turns just thinking about this. So many questions, and no answers. Uncertainty and anxiety have left me with such a crappy feeling. I know we’ll get through this. We always do. I know in the end, no matter what happens I’ll be ok. We’ll either change and stay together, or we’ll go our separate ways. Life will go on, and we’ll both still be ok. But for right now, this is it. This is where I currently sit at this huge table of life. And let me tell you, from this point of view, it really really sucks!

“If making an effort is really that hard & if being with me is really so terrible, then what the hell are you holding on for?”

A Little Lost (Part I): Motherhood

Crap.

Things aren't supposed to be so hard. Growing up shouldn’t be such a pain. Emotions should not hit so hard. And yet, they are. I’m twenty-three years old, and I feel so ancient. I have no identity anymore. My life consists of drop off at the babysitter's, work, home, run, shower, and sleep. Those are the MAIN things. Giving my daughter a bath, going for bike rides, or walks and bringing her along are the HIGHLIGHTS of my day. WHERE THE FUCK DID I GO?! Seriously, I don’t really interact with other people because I have no idea what all the “young-hip-cool kids” do anymore? If it’s not about milestones, marriage, diapers, potty training, pacifiers, or the latest heart attack Em gives me, I HAVE NOTHING TO TALK ABOUT.

When I got pregnant, things changed for me. They change for every mother, some more drastic than others. I was now growing a human being inside of me. I was now responsible for another person. This little person would call me her mother. I didn’t know the first thing about being a mother! Anxiety, paranoia, and fear took over. Guys don’t seem to get that connection. They don’t get the changes you go through. The motherly emotions that all of a sudden hit you a thousand times harder than before. All of a sudden you’re different. You’ve switched over, and there is no turning back. With some moms, this can slightly wear off and you can go back to being your semi-normal self after you deliver. But with some moms, moms like me, you're completely changed forever.

So here's a straight-up question: How do you not feel guilty about being selfish? I know nothing besides my job and my daughter. If you look at it, this is probably one of the reasons why my marriage is constantly going down the shitter. I can’t for the life of me, get away. I don’t see my daughter enough as it is, so when I get home from work, she has my full attention. On weekends, I’m hers completely. I don’t have time for friends, and parties. And I absolutely HATE asking for a sitter (especially if it’s repeatedly). On the slight chance that I do go out, I worry about coming home too late. I worry about whether or not I packed enough diapers. Is she giving my mom a hard time? Is my mom upset that I ask her to babysit too much? Am I neglecting my daughter too much for my own personal selfishness? What if we drink too much and get pulled over? What if something happens to Em and I’m not there? Literally, I could go on and on. My mind does not shut off when it comes to my baby. So, I end up not enjoying myself. I end up ruining the “good time” my husband thinks we deserve.

This drives him insane. But what drives me insane is how he doesn’t worry just as much as I do? I mean, how can you go through life so caught up in yourself, that you don’t have time for your kids? I feel like society tells you that you need “time for yourself”. They tell you that “you need a break”. So you listen to them so you won’t feel guilty. Well, I say if that’s the case then maybe you don’t need to have kids so soon? It’s just an opinion, not knocking any lifestyles. I understand getting some “alone time” with the spouse. Or even planning a weekend without the kiddos every few months. Kind of a way to recharge your batteries, or turn your brain off. But, I don’t get how people do it EVERY weekend? I don’t get how our social lives even take importance? I feel so guilty for even thinking about doing anything that I can’t take my daughter along for. And that’s my life.

I’m wondering how can I ever possibly let go? How can I tell my daughter one day that I survived being her mother but only because I had “me time”? How can I tell my husband that I’m ok with leaving my daughter with her grandparents so we can have a night out, when all I’m thinking about is getting back to my daughter? I look at her face, and I want her to be raised in a loving family. I want her to never doubt that she’s the number one priority. I want her to know that I will always be there. Because there’s only so many “tomorrows” before there won’t be anymore. And I don’t want to miss a single second of my baby girl.

Numb

I think I’m just taking things all in. I can’t really seem to put my finger on an exact emotion that I am feeling. It’s a little strange. When I’m with my daughter, it’s all happiness. I’m so reassured. I know that no matter what, I’ll be ok because of her. But when she’s not here...when she’s not giggling or needing me to hold her; to care for her. I don't feel right. See, I feel like I was born to be a mother. That’s my purpose, along with being a good wife. Everything else takes a backseat. So when she’s not around, I just feel kind of numb. So indecisive, squirmy, and unsure. Not having any kind of control over the future, scares the shit out of me. Not knowing what will be in a few months from now, has my stomach in knots. I feel nervous, anxious, scared, and overwhelmed.

I’ve gone a whole week with my wedding band off. We are still together (still working), but I wanted to see what it would be like. To not wear it anymore. I think that’s been a big factor in why my emotions are all out of whack. It was so strange. Not a feeling I really welcomed at all. It felt wrong, and confusing. I still reached for it after washing my hands. I’d still try to play with it while bored at work. My tan line kept throwing me off. I kept trying to find it, thinking I had misplaced it. I kept looking down at my hand, hoping it would just appear. And I’m no knockout, but I kept getting nervous when around other people. Specifically men. I kept telling myself I was being silly. I’m nowhere in my “prime” anymore, and the chances of a guy hitting on me are as good as you finding yourself a red striped zebra. Yea...not gonna happen. Still, I felt...naked. I felt like I was “betraying” my husband, by not wearing the one thing that truly proved I “belonged” to someone already. It was very strange.

I feel so angry with myself for not standing my ground. I’m angry with myself for being so scared. I’m angry at myself for not knowing what to do, or how to feel. The old me never would have thought twice about a single decision. The old me would have taken no prisoners. The old me would have held her head high and told it like it was. Where the fuck is that girl now?  

Confession Time

Baby #2

Lately, I’ve been thinking about having another child, and when would be the best time to get pregnant again. I’m not in a rush, at the moment, but I have always said I want to have them at about two years apart and I wasn’t going to have any more after 25 (-ahem- 26). With me being 23 that gap seems to be closing and closing quickly. And yet, I am not even sure if I could even handle another baby (it’s so not what you’re thinking).

Recently, I’ve noticed that my husband and I are just not on the same “page” when it comes to parenting and growing up. If he thinks we can’t do anything with one little monster, can you imagine two?? He already complains enough about how we don’t get to do anything and how I’m always bossing him around. We just don’t get to have any kind of fun anymore. Boo Woo! Wah!

I KNOW THIS!! YOU ARE PREACHING TO THE CHOIR! 
BUT TOUGH SHIT!!!

You see, in his eyes, it’s all me. In my eyes, it’s all him. I believe in putting childish shit aside and putting my big girl britches on. He believes in having fun, getting out, and just "chillin". Being a mom takes a lot more work than most might think. Parenting is not something that I believe we should take so lightly. And without having help, I just don’t see how we could have made it. So when he starts to not take things seriously, and he's all "whatever" when it comes to consequences, yes I get a little pissed off! My MAIN priority is my daughter. Pleasing/catering to my husband comes next in line, but NEVER before. Maybe that’s wrong, but when you’ve had the relationship I’ve had...you’d understand. I don’t believe in risking my daughter being taken away. I don’t want to risk going to jail because I wanted to go “party it up” at a friends house. To me, that shit is OVER. We do occasionally go hang out and drink, but with people of AGE. Have a date night here and there. But none of this high school shit. Unfortunately, some of our friends still hang/party with some underage kids and that’s usually our (my) cue to head out. Sometimes this bothers my husband because it cuts the time we get to spend with our friends, but it doesn’t bother me. The risk is not worth it.

Ok, now before I get all sidetracked on our relationship issues let me get back to the point. So with all of these little conflicts, head-butting, and downright stubbornness coming from both of us, well it’s left me wondering if having another child is even a good idea?? If we can’t seem to agree on what’s ok and what’s not. What the boundaries are and how to stand together (as a parenting unit). Then should we even have another child??

I need to know that when the time comes, he could stand up to his mother...with no remorse. I need to know that he will be there. I need to know that he will make smart decisions and always take into consideration what the risks are. I need to know that WE (Emery and I) are the most important things to him. Because if he can’t do any of this, then why should we add another little monster to this mix...

Ever?