Crap.
Things aren't supposed to be so hard. Growing up shouldn’t be such a pain. Emotions should not hit so hard. And yet, they are. I’m twenty-three years old, and I feel so ancient. I have no identity anymore. My life consists of drop off at the babysitter's, work, home, run, shower, and sleep. Those are the MAIN things. Giving my daughter a bath, going for bike rides, or walks and bringing her along are the HIGHLIGHTS of my day. WHERE THE FUCK DID I GO?! Seriously, I don’t really interact with other people because I have no idea what all the “young-hip-cool kids” do anymore? If it’s not about milestones, marriage, diapers, potty training, pacifiers, or the latest heart attack Em gives me, I HAVE NOTHING TO TALK ABOUT.
When I got pregnant, things changed for me. They change for every mother, some more drastic than others. I was now growing a human being inside of me. I was now responsible for another person. This little person would call me her mother. I didn’t know the first thing about being a mother! Anxiety, paranoia, and fear took over. Guys don’t seem to get that connection. They don’t get the changes you go through. The motherly emotions that all of a sudden hit you a thousand times harder than before. All of a sudden you’re different. You’ve switched over, and there is no turning back. With some moms, this can slightly wear off and you can go back to being your semi-normal self after you deliver. But with some moms, moms like me, you're completely changed forever.
So here's a straight-up question: How do you not feel guilty about being selfish? I know nothing besides my job and my daughter. If you look at it, this is probably one of the reasons why my marriage is constantly going down the shitter. I can’t for the life of me, get away. I don’t see my daughter enough as it is, so when I get home from work, she has my full attention. On weekends, I’m hers completely. I don’t have time for friends, and parties. And I absolutely HATE asking for a sitter (especially if it’s repeatedly). On the slight chance that I do go out, I worry about coming home too late. I worry about whether or not I packed enough diapers. Is she giving my mom a hard time? Is my mom upset that I ask her to babysit too much? Am I neglecting my daughter too much for my own personal selfishness? What if we drink too much and get pulled over? What if something happens to Em and I’m not there? Literally, I could go on and on. My mind does not shut off when it comes to my baby. So, I end up not enjoying myself. I end up ruining the “good time” my husband thinks we deserve.
This drives him insane. But what drives me insane is how he doesn’t worry just as much as I do? I mean, how can you go through life so caught up in yourself, that you don’t have time for your kids? I feel like society tells you that you need “time for yourself”. They tell you that “you need a break”. So you listen to them so you won’t feel guilty. Well, I say if that’s the case then maybe you don’t need to have kids so soon? It’s just an opinion, not knocking any lifestyles. I understand getting some “alone time” with the spouse. Or even planning a weekend without the kiddos every few months. Kind of a way to recharge your batteries, or turn your brain off. But, I don’t get how people do it EVERY weekend? I don’t get how our social lives even take importance? I feel so guilty for even thinking about doing anything that I can’t take my daughter along for. And that’s my life.
I’m wondering how can I ever possibly let go? How can I tell my daughter one day that I survived being her mother but only because I had “me time”? How can I tell my husband that I’m ok with leaving my daughter with her grandparents so we can have a night out, when all I’m thinking about is getting back to my daughter? I look at her face, and I want her to be raised in a loving family. I want her to never doubt that she’s the number one priority. I want her to know that I will always be there. Because there’s only so many “tomorrows” before there won’t be anymore. And I don’t want to miss a single second of my baby girl.
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