Put The Cookie Down

I know, I know! I'm supposed to start being all positive. I didn’t forget. However, I’m not trying to be negative about myself, I’m just spitting out the truth. You know, word vomit. May 1st-16th was good. I was eating well, running consistently. On my off days, I’d take Em for a ride, or a walk. It was great. Then someone had to go rain on my parade and life decided it was going to be a butt.

I have gained every pound, and then some, that I lost while I was doing so good! It kind of pisses me off. My boss man had also been on a diet, and we would share our weigh-ins with each other. Then he jumped off the wagon, and I followed shortly after. Well, my awesome boss man started up again and has stuck to his diet for 3 weeks, and already he’s lost twenty pounds! As awesome as that is, it also makes me want to shove my own face into a big fat chocolate cake. I literally want to go get a gallon of cookie dough ice cream and eat away my failure. BUT, I haven’t hit that low of a point....yet.

Yes, I know that boys can lose a lot faster than us girls. And yes, I know that eating whatever comes into my peripheral vision is NOT going to help me lose weight. At all. But, I just can’t HELP it. I’m not going to lie, this past week, I’ve been stuffing my face. It makes me feel a bit ashamed and like I have no self-control. Because I don’t. I had a beef and bean burrito for crying out loud! FROM A GAS STATION! Yea! See where I’m going with this? I basically SUCK at diets. And, I love food.

So this means I need a game plan. I need to get back on my freakin' diet bandwagon before I start gaining even more weight than I already have (at the moment, my mouth is covered in oreo cook crumbs...just sayin'). I can’t stress enough how much I want to lose weight, but I can’t seem to muster up an ounce of motivation right now! This is seriously pissing me off, people!! And with all of my running problems lately, I’m getting worse about keeping that up too. And do you know what annoys me the most out of all of this??

I KNOW WHAT MY PROBLEM IS, I JUST REFUSE TO PUT THE COOKIE DOWN!!

Yup. Sometimes I’ll catch myself with a bag of chips and think “This is not good for me...”, shrug and continue to eat the contents of the bag. I’m so not proud of this, but I don’t know how to stop?? It’s like an internal battle that the “good shoulder angel” refuses to even fight the “bad shoulder angel” over. Because my “good shoulder angel” is a freakin' wuss!! So, I know that I need to lose the weight. I know that I need to stop eating CRAP. Because in all honesty, it does help. For that short time that I was doing well, my energy level was up. I was getting a good nights sleep, and my mornings were a bit perkier. My nails were growing again, and I was in an overall better mood. I want that back. For the love of all things, I just want to be a morning person again! Whoa.

So starting July (because I need a week to plan, prepare, and gather some motivation), I’m trying for the thirty day eat clean diet again. I’m also thinking about buying a treadmill because lately there have been talks about snakes coming out, and this girl just doesn’t do snakes! I live out in the country, I run when it starts to get darker, and I stick to dirt roads because I’ve almost been hit TWICE on the main roads. And the last thing I need is to get bit by a rattlesnake (because that would be just my luck).

So, these are my thoughts on the situation for now. I’m praying for some much-needed impulse control. I’m also hoping the hubby will allow me to grocery shop for mainly WHOLE FOODS. He really hates not having snacks and only “healthy” stuff in the fridge. Plus, as I’ve stated before I want to be able to raise Emery in a "healthy eating family”. I can’t tell her to eat veggies and not have soda’s when I’m turning around and having them myself. Plus, I could only use the whole “well I’m a grown up and your not” excuse for so long. So, I might as well kick my ass and force myself to stick with this. What kind of mother would I be if I couldn’t control myself? A fat one, that’s what. And I just don’t like the image that pops into my head when I imagine myself fat. Not pretty, people! Not pretty at all!