Letting go.
Marriage is supposed to be hard. Life was not meant to be easy. We as individuals are constantly changing. But was it suppose to be this hard? I am completely in love with my husband. Do not for one-second doubt that. However, I am completely turned off by the person that friends, society, and alcohol turn him into. Did I know this going in? Yes. But at the time, I was right there by his side, doing the exact same things.
I look back at pictures from before Em came along, and I wonder who I was? I was so certain. I knew what I wanted and who I was. I loved things. I had hobbies, goals, and dreams. I was constantly making new friends! I knew myself. My husband loved that person. That strong, independent, caring, and yet sometimes vicious me. We fell “in love” so fast, Bonnie and Clyde style. Back then, I was a pretty high priority to him. Sometimes, a guy would hit on me and he’d get all territorial. It was so cute how he’d say he wasn’t jealous, but he’d never let me out of his sight after that. He’d put his arm around my waist, and that’s where I’d stay for the rest of the night. Kissing, holding hands, and just being a couple. Sometimes, we’d go on day trips, or spend an afternoon watching movies. Just the two of us. Not really sure when that changed...?
But it did. I suppose it was when pregnancy stole my soul. When thoughts of being a “bad mom” started slowly creeping into my head making me a hermit. Maybe it’s when I started to copy the “idealistic traditional” role of what a mother should be, tossing myself aside. Or maybe it could have been when he started to take pills, and lie to me? Then again, maybe it was when I stopped worrying about him. When I gave up on even trying.
Have you ever been so tired that you’re afraid to stop? Because once you stop, you just know that your legs will give out and you’ll fall. Or have you ever been so tired, that moving causes you some kind of physical pain? That’s what my marriage feels like sometimes. Again, don’t get me wrong, we have so many good times. We have periods where we are so completely happy. We are so in love and it would make you sick just being around us. But when those low points start creeping up. Once we start getting a little too comfortable with our happiness, a shit storm comes through and we are left trying to pick up the pieces. I’m left feeling so tired, and so annoyed at this routine. I’m left feeling so neglected, so unimportant, and so alone that I want to scream. I want to smack my husband and ask him why the hell he’s putting me through all of this, AGAIN?!?! Why? Why? Why? Why? Then, I get an answer “It’s not just me.” And maybe he’s got a point.
Maybe I’ve changed too much? Maybe I don’t put enough attention to him? Maybe I’m so preoccupied with our daughter that I completely ignore him? Maybe I don’t exist anymore? At least not the old me. Maybe I am too anti-social? Maybe I nag too much? Maybe I’m way too uptight? Damn. How did life that was so good turn into this? How do we get past this? Or is this just it? Has our relationship run its course? To be quite honest, I don’t really know the answers to all of those. And the ones I think I might have figured out could change in an instant. My stomach turns just thinking about this. So many questions, and no answers. Uncertainty and anxiety have left me with such a crappy feeling. I know we’ll get through this. We always do. I know in the end, no matter what happens I’ll be ok. We’ll either change and stay together, or we’ll go our separate ways. Life will go on, and we’ll both still be ok. But for right now, this is it. This is where I currently sit at this huge table of life. And let me tell you, from this point of view, it really really sucks!
“If making an effort is really that hard & if being with me is really so terrible, then what the hell are you holding on for?”
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