Numb

I think I’m just taking things all in. I can’t really seem to put my finger on an exact emotion that I am feeling. It’s a little strange. When I’m with my daughter, it’s all happiness. I’m so reassured. I know that no matter what, I’ll be ok because of her. But when she’s not here...when she’s not giggling or needing me to hold her; to care for her. I don't feel right. See, I feel like I was born to be a mother. That’s my purpose, along with being a good wife. Everything else takes a backseat. So when she’s not around, I just feel kind of numb. So indecisive, squirmy, and unsure. Not having any kind of control over the future, scares the shit out of me. Not knowing what will be in a few months from now, has my stomach in knots. I feel nervous, anxious, scared, and overwhelmed.

I’ve gone a whole week with my wedding band off. We are still together (still working), but I wanted to see what it would be like. To not wear it anymore. I think that’s been a big factor in why my emotions are all out of whack. It was so strange. Not a feeling I really welcomed at all. It felt wrong, and confusing. I still reached for it after washing my hands. I’d still try to play with it while bored at work. My tan line kept throwing me off. I kept trying to find it, thinking I had misplaced it. I kept looking down at my hand, hoping it would just appear. And I’m no knockout, but I kept getting nervous when around other people. Specifically men. I kept telling myself I was being silly. I’m nowhere in my “prime” anymore, and the chances of a guy hitting on me are as good as you finding yourself a red striped zebra. Yea...not gonna happen. Still, I felt...naked. I felt like I was “betraying” my husband, by not wearing the one thing that truly proved I “belonged” to someone already. It was very strange.

I feel so angry with myself for not standing my ground. I’m angry with myself for being so scared. I’m angry at myself for not knowing what to do, or how to feel. The old me never would have thought twice about a single decision. The old me would have taken no prisoners. The old me would have held her head high and told it like it was. Where the fuck is that girl now?