Explanations and a Birthday

I have been such a downer, huh? On Monday I was feeling so crappy! So I did a three part post and set it to automatically go up on Tuesday. I don’t like talking badly about my spouse or really getting into personal problems too much. However, I’m not one to be ashamed of my life, and I’m certainly not going to fake happiness. It’s not in my nature. So, I wrote those three posts as a way to share with you, MY POINT OF VIEW of what’s going on in my life. It’s not for me to put my husband in any kind of bad light because to be quite honest, I have changed. I have changed so much in just the past few months, it’s insane. I’m a confusing mess, and my signals are all crossed.

I’m not bailing him out completely though. We are both at fault for the problems and roadblocks that have recently sprung up in our marriage. I’m a communicator, and he is not. And it takes two, to make a marriage work. I’m very verbal about my issues, and he kind of likes to “put a blanket” over them and pretend they’re not there. We’ve always been like this, so really, this is not surprising to me. But, after a whole day of texting (we both work) back and forth how we felt, we took the rest of the afternoon to think about how we each felt. We went about our normal routine, and once Emery was down for the night, we calmly talked it over.

We aren’t separating. We aren’t getting a divorce. We are working on us.

As for me, well, I still have no idea what’s wrong with me. I don’t know if I’m just having mild anxiety episodes, or maybe depression is trying to claw its way back into my life? Either way, I need to get past this. I don’t want to go see a doctor because all they do is give you some pills, and I just don’t believe in that. YOU have to make yourself happy, you can’t rely on drugs. Those are a temporary fix, and so hard to come off of. But, I’m not completely scratching that option out for the future. I’m going to exercise more, and start taking my vitamins again. Really try to get all the junk food out of my system, and start taking care of myself. Then, if that doesn’t work I just might have to get myself some happy pills.

While I was thinking about things on Tuesday, I realized that I really need to focus on ME. I was so busy focusing on being the perfect mom and trying to be the perfect wife that I ended up losing myself in the process. I was so worried about pleasing everyone else! Living someone else's standards. So, I need to get back to the basics. I need to get back to me. Slowly, but surely I’m hoping I’ll find my way there. I’m hoping I’ll discover who I really am and be content with that.

Also, Tuesday was my little cousin's birthday. Happy Birthday Niselda, our beautiful Angel! She would have been 19 years old. I can’t believe how fast the time has gone by. Three years since she’s been gone. Three years. Still, it feels like it was forever ago. There isn’t a day that goes by that I don’t think about her. The Mav’s won on Sunday and they were her favorite team. She would have been so proud, so excited. Every day that I go to and from work, I see the cross. Her cross. And even though it doesn’t make me cry the way it used to, I still feel so sad. Some days I catch myself thinking she never left. I’ll go off wondering if the family will get together and if they are going to come. When I say they, I include her as well. Sometimes I’ll walk into Cici’s half expecting her to still be there. Or other times I'll randomly say something like "Is Niselda coming?" or "I wonder how Niselda's doing?" before remembering. I have never said this to her family, or any of my other cousins because I remember when I'm with them. When I see them and she's not with them. I remember. It’s crazy how the mind works. Oh, my lovely little girl how I miss you. ♥