I Don't Feel Pretty

I ate way too much junk yesterday. I ate way too much junk this morning. I’m having one of those “fat weeks” where I just eat. I don’t feel like my weight loss is progressing. I’m a mess. My eyebrows are in some mad need of some serious maintenance. My skin is breaking out. My nails are pretty much gone, again. My feet are in horrible shape due to running (blisters, calluses). My skin is so dry and ashy.

I don’t feel pretty.

I did the exact thing, I told myself I would not do. I let myself go. Body image issues and poor self-esteem have been with me since forever. So I was constantly working out. My hair was always straightened and on days that I didn’t have time, I would throw some mouse in it and wear my natural curls. All shiny and bouncy. I never went out without at least some base, eyeliner, and lip balm. Simple, but it still made me feel like this was my “war paint”. I knew I wasn’t a knockout, but at least I was trying to make myself look presentable. I don’t know why I even bothered because I was never the type of person to care what about what others thought of me. Still, I was a girl, and I wanted to be beautiful. I wanted to feel good about myself. Unfortunately, that never happened. And I struggle with it on a daily basis, still to this day.

I feel like I’m always rushing. I’m always out of time. I’m too tired. I’m too lazy. There’s always something else I could be doing. Something more important. And I’ve lost time for me. Yes, I’m back into running but it’s not the same. I’m not getting the results I had hoped for. So I end up binge eating (minus the throwing up; can’t do it) and then feeling even worse. That’s happened in the past two days. I’m really really disappointed in myself. I don’t seem to try anymore. My looks are completely gone. I don’t put that effort that I used to into looking presentable. I hardly ever wear make-up. I wear clothes that won’t show my bulge which means they’re usually oversized t-shirts. I don’t ever pamper myself. Last time I tried to live on the edge and get my hair cut, I just ended up trimming it. No color, no style. Nothing. I don’t even lather up with lotion, or body spray like I used to. Deodorant is pretty much as far as I get when it comes to scents.

I feel like a slob.

My workplace isn’t much help either (not like it mattered at my last one either). I work with guys, we never see our customers in person, and we handle FMC parts. So there isn’t much need to get all dolled up. Chances are by the end of the day I’ll have grease somewhere on me. Lovely. Stay at home mom’s, I envy you. I know that being a SAHM is not easy, and it’s just as grueling as any other job. But between naps, at least you get some downtime, housework chores completed, or a bit of "you" time. I get to come home and finish whatever it is that I tried to finish up the day before. I wish I had your energy. I don’t know how some of you can even stay up as late as 11 pm doing crafts, projects, or getting some pampering in knowing you’ll have to be up early again the next day to do your job, being a mom. Being a “working” mom, Em is usually at the sitters so I don’t get to spend all that time with her. Still, I get tired and she’s off the walls nowadays. She’s constantly on the go and wanting to explore. So even with that time we do spend I’m left feeling even more tired than before. So I have such respect for all of you.

I wish I could be like all of you.

Instead, here I sit. In a shirt that I just grabbed and threw on (it’s too tight), my hair piled up in an awkward looking bun, bags under my eyes, no make-up on, and eyebrows that haven’t had attention in weeks. I’m not trying to impress anyone, and I don’t care what any strangers think of my looks. But when did I stop caring about me?

Yesterday

Today