Weight Gain & Working On Body Positivity

I keep seeing a lot of posts with phrases like “A new month means a fresh start!” Or “A new month is just another chance to set some goals and smash them!” And man do I wish I had that kind of enthusiasm. Instead, I’m over here like, “Okay, Susan, we get it. You wake up before the sun to work out, and you look fabulous. MOVE ALONG.” Currently I’m sitting in my living room eating a chocolate chunk cookie not really wanting to do much of anything. So, do with that what you will. Still, as I sit here I kind of wish I were one of “those people”. You know, the ones who have all of their shit together? The ones who wake up at 4 am to work out, have breakfast ready by 6 am, and look so perfect you’d think they were photoshopped as they drive through early morning drop off at 7:45 am. With kids who look just as equally put together. A coffee cup in hand, and a smile beaming as they wave at you. Ugh, that hurt my face just thinking about it. Alas, I am NOT one of those people. Instead, you get this:

That’s right. Take it all in. You’re welcome.

It seems like ages, but just two years ago I was down 45 lbs. My clothes fit well, and even though I wasn’t at my goal weight I felt good about myself. I liked the way that I looked which I thought was important, because I can honestly say that I hadn't felt that way about my body in a long ass time. However, that weight loss was just a by product of not eating and dealing with a lot of anxiety as well as depression. So, mentally, I was not in a good place. I had lost the majority of my weight in about three months, and any healthcare professional will tell you that losing weight that quickly isn’t the healthiest thing for anyone. But I maintained this weight for a good year with those unhealthy habits not really seeing anything wrong with it. Then at the beginning of 2017, as things began to slowly even out, I became pretty complacent with where I was at. Life was back to normal, and I was good with that. Fast forward to the end of last year when I was completely off all medications, going through some rough times yet again, and instead of suffering from anxiety I was dealing with stress. And unlike some people who use stress to push themselves, and motivate them to do better I tend to eat. Correction: I tend to eat a lot. And even though I was still working out 4x a week the number on the scale kept climbing. 

Which brings us to today. We’re six months into 2018 and I’m back up to my heaviest weight. I struggle with food on the daily, and with working out consistently. Even after a month of eating nothing but salad, and grilled chicken the weight kept piling on. I struggle with getting up in the mornings, and getting a full night's sleep. Though that’s been an issue since becoming a mom so I’m not sure I can blame it on this? I don’t feel like putting on makeup or really making any kind of effort when it comes to my appearance anymore either. The weird part is that I know this, but do nothing about it. I’ve started to feel really uncomfortable in my own skin, and I feel like that has a lot to do with me not wanting to leave my house. From the moment I wake up, everything feels tight and I really hate it. I’m not just talking about my clothes either. Lately my body constantly feels bloated, and stretched to maximum capacity. Right down to my toes, y'all, and it’s miserable! Because of this I’ve resorted to only wearing jeans, and an oversized t-shirt in public because they’re the only things I feel comfortable wearing. Even in 102 degree weather. At home the “go-to” outfit is stretchy yoga pants, and an oversized t-shirt. Do you guys see a pattern here? I feel like I constantly look like I just rolled out of bed. And not in the cute sexy way all of those movies and authors portray the female leads as. More like in the “What the fuck happened to you? Are you okay?” kind of way.

And it’s not just my appearance that has suffered. Recently my shin splints flared up. Mine are permanent as I’ve had them since I was a teenager & they never went away. Yes, it's weird. Most of the time they’re fine, and I have no issues. They're just a small little squishy bump on each of my shins that would make my legs feel sore from time to time. But back in March I went for a run, and after about half a mile I started to have shooting pain going up both of my legs. The next day I found that I could barely walk, much less run, without it feeling like someone was taking a hot poker to my legs. So, after talking to some seasoned runners as well as a nurse in training I was told to stop running for at least six weeks. I needed to ice my legs at night, and take Tylenol until they "went away". Which I did. But now, as I’ve started to get back into it, I find it really hard to finish a single mile. And that’s after a month of consistently running 3x a week. It has nothing to do with leg pain either, as my shin splints are back to normal. But I’m not making any progress in mileage like I should be. It doesn’t matter how much I try I still can’t push passed 1.75 miles. It’s like a mental wall goes up, my lungs start to burn, and then my legs give out. This has never been an issue for me before. Even when I took a year off from running, when I got back to it, I was doing 2 miles pretty easily after two weeks. At a much faster pace than what I’m at now too. So, I'm not sure what's going on, but it's definitely putting a funk in my running motivation. And needless to say, but I'm gunna anyway, it's been a bit of a set back for me.

So, now comes the real question: What do I plan to do about all of this? Well, fuck if I know. In May I had started doing intermittent fasting. I’d do this during the week, and eat normal on weekends. I stuck with it for three weeks, and I felt better. I was sleeping a bit more. I wasn’t feeling as hungry, or having cravings. And in those three weeks I lost 8 pounds. But then, on our three day weekend, I sabotaged like a motherfucker. I’m not even going to sugar coat it. I had pizza, cheeseburgers, chocolate, french fries, soda, and coffee WITH cream AND sugar. On all three days. And that’s when it all went down hill for the next two weeks. Since then, it’s been a bit of a struggle to get back on the wagon. I’m still running, but there’s no real progress in that. I’ve started to make a few plans in regards to a workout schedule, but I haven’t had a lot of motivation to move forward with them. Partially because I feel like I have no energy, and another part because I just feel flat out lazy. Even right now I feel like I could really go for a nap. I’ve been told to have my thyroid checked, but I’ve already done that. In fact, I do it every year at my yearly doctor appointment. Everything always comes back fine. And recently, I’ve been thinking about being put back on my anti-anxiety medication as well as antidepressants. But that will be a discussion for another time. I’ve also considered going to a weight loss doctor that several people have sworn by that’s here locally. Just to explore my options, and to see if there isn’t something else I can do to help kick start my weight loss. Because I know I can get back to a healthy weight again. I know it's possible. I just have to figure out what to do about it. I have to figure out a way to find that drive again.

This one is hard for me to look at...

However, until that happens, the main thing I’m trying to work on is having a better relationship with food, and exercise. Because in all honesty, I look at food as punishment. “Well shit, I ate the cookie now I have to go run two miles AND do a weight session.”  On the other end of the spectrum I’d tell myself “If you eat that it’s going straight to your muffin top, and then you’ll have to work out an extra thirty minutes.” I view food as something bad rather than as a source of fuel for my body. And I guess this attitude comes from being constantly told as I was growing up that if I ate too much I'd end up being fat forever. Which led to self esteem issues. I never felt like I was the "right size". There was always someone else that was skinnier, and that led to my eating issues. So, I guess you could say I’m trying to work on self love too. I’m trying to be okay with how I look in whatever state that I may be in. Whether it’s at my heaviest, or at my lightest. Though it’s been a rough go so far. But what's important is that I’m trying. Because I’ve noticed that I only have this particularly harsh outlook on weight when it comes to myself. I can see other women, in various shapes/sizes, and be in total awe of how they look. Whatever their journey is I applaud them. I’m all about celebrating the differences, and instilling body positivity in others. But when it comes to my own body, well, it’s true when they say, “You’re your own worst critic.”  And I am a prime example of this. So, I feel like these are some things that I need to work on changing. I have to get my mind right before anything else can fall into place. And quite frankly, I don’t want to have that negativity swirling around in my mind as I’m trying to better myself. So here's to, hopefully, making some progress this year.

A Little Lost (Part II): Marriage

Letting go.

Marriage is supposed to be hard. Life was not meant to be easy. We as individuals are constantly changing. But was it suppose to be this hard? I am completely in love with my husband. Do not for one-second doubt that. However, I am completely turned off by the person that friends, society, and alcohol turn him into. Did I know this going in? Yes. But at the time, I was right there by his side, doing the exact same things.

I look back at pictures from before Em came along, and I wonder who I was? I was so certain. I knew what I wanted and who I was. I loved things. I had hobbies, goals, and dreams. I was constantly making new friends! I knew myself. My husband loved that person. That strong, independent, caring, and yet sometimes vicious me. We fell “in love” so fast, Bonnie and Clyde style. Back then, I was a pretty high priority to him. Sometimes, a guy would hit on me and he’d get all territorial. It was so cute how he’d say he wasn’t jealous, but he’d never let me out of his sight after that. He’d put his arm around my waist, and that’s where I’d stay for the rest of the night. Kissing, holding hands, and just being a couple. Sometimes, we’d go on day trips, or spend an afternoon watching movies. Just the two of us. Not really sure when that changed...?

But it did. I suppose it was when pregnancy stole my soul. When thoughts of being a “bad mom” started slowly creeping into my head making me a hermit. Maybe it’s when I started to copy the “idealistic traditional” role of what a mother should be, tossing myself aside. Or maybe it could have been when he started to take pills, and lie to me? Then again, maybe it was when I stopped worrying about him. When I gave up on even trying.

Have you ever been so tired that you’re afraid to stop? Because once you stop, you just know that your legs will give out and you’ll fall. Or have you ever been so tired, that moving causes you some kind of physical pain? That’s what my marriage feels like sometimes. Again, don’t get me wrong, we have so many good times. We have periods where we are so completely happy. We are so in love and it would make you sick just being around us. But when those low points start creeping up. Once we start getting a little too comfortable with our happiness, a shit storm comes through and we are left trying to pick up the pieces. I’m left feeling so tired, and so annoyed at this routine. I’m left feeling so neglected, so unimportant, and so alone that I want to scream. I want to smack my husband and ask him why the hell he’s putting me through all of this, AGAIN?!?! Why? Why? Why? Why? Then, I get an answer “It’s not just me.” And maybe he’s got a point.

Maybe I’ve changed too much? Maybe I don’t put enough attention to him? Maybe I’m so preoccupied with our daughter that I completely ignore him? Maybe I don’t exist anymore? At least not the old me. Maybe I am too anti-social? Maybe I nag too much? Maybe I’m way too uptight? Damn. How did life that was so good turn into this? How do we get past this? Or is this just it? Has our relationship run its course? To be quite honest, I don’t really know the answers to all of those. And the ones I think I might have figured out could change in an instant. My stomach turns just thinking about this. So many questions, and no answers. Uncertainty and anxiety have left me with such a crappy feeling. I know we’ll get through this. We always do. I know in the end, no matter what happens I’ll be ok. We’ll either change and stay together, or we’ll go our separate ways. Life will go on, and we’ll both still be ok. But for right now, this is it. This is where I currently sit at this huge table of life. And let me tell you, from this point of view, it really really sucks!

“If making an effort is really that hard & if being with me is really so terrible, then what the hell are you holding on for?”

Numb

I think I’m just taking things all in. I can’t really seem to put my finger on an exact emotion that I am feeling. It’s a little strange. When I’m with my daughter, it’s all happiness. I’m so reassured. I know that no matter what, I’ll be ok because of her. But when she’s not here...when she’s not giggling or needing me to hold her; to care for her. I don't feel right. See, I feel like I was born to be a mother. That’s my purpose, along with being a good wife. Everything else takes a backseat. So when she’s not around, I just feel kind of numb. So indecisive, squirmy, and unsure. Not having any kind of control over the future, scares the shit out of me. Not knowing what will be in a few months from now, has my stomach in knots. I feel nervous, anxious, scared, and overwhelmed.

I’ve gone a whole week with my wedding band off. We are still together (still working), but I wanted to see what it would be like. To not wear it anymore. I think that’s been a big factor in why my emotions are all out of whack. It was so strange. Not a feeling I really welcomed at all. It felt wrong, and confusing. I still reached for it after washing my hands. I’d still try to play with it while bored at work. My tan line kept throwing me off. I kept trying to find it, thinking I had misplaced it. I kept looking down at my hand, hoping it would just appear. And I’m no knockout, but I kept getting nervous when around other people. Specifically men. I kept telling myself I was being silly. I’m nowhere in my “prime” anymore, and the chances of a guy hitting on me are as good as you finding yourself a red striped zebra. Yea...not gonna happen. Still, I felt...naked. I felt like I was “betraying” my husband, by not wearing the one thing that truly proved I “belonged” to someone already. It was very strange.

I feel so angry with myself for not standing my ground. I’m angry with myself for being so scared. I’m angry at myself for not knowing what to do, or how to feel. The old me never would have thought twice about a single decision. The old me would have taken no prisoners. The old me would have held her head high and told it like it was. Where the fuck is that girl now?  

I Don't Feel Pretty

I ate way too much junk yesterday. I ate way too much junk this morning. I’m having one of those “fat weeks” where I just eat. I don’t feel like my weight loss is progressing. I’m a mess. My eyebrows are in some mad need of some serious maintenance. My skin is breaking out. My nails are pretty much gone, again. My feet are in horrible shape due to running (blisters, calluses). My skin is so dry and ashy.

I don’t feel pretty.

I did the exact thing, I told myself I would not do. I let myself go. Body image issues and poor self-esteem have been with me since forever. So I was constantly working out. My hair was always straightened and on days that I didn’t have time, I would throw some mouse in it and wear my natural curls. All shiny and bouncy. I never went out without at least some base, eyeliner, and lip balm. Simple, but it still made me feel like this was my “war paint”. I knew I wasn’t a knockout, but at least I was trying to make myself look presentable. I don’t know why I even bothered because I was never the type of person to care what about what others thought of me. Still, I was a girl, and I wanted to be beautiful. I wanted to feel good about myself. Unfortunately, that never happened. And I struggle with it on a daily basis, still to this day.

I feel like I’m always rushing. I’m always out of time. I’m too tired. I’m too lazy. There’s always something else I could be doing. Something more important. And I’ve lost time for me. Yes, I’m back into running but it’s not the same. I’m not getting the results I had hoped for. So I end up binge eating (minus the throwing up; can’t do it) and then feeling even worse. That’s happened in the past two days. I’m really really disappointed in myself. I don’t seem to try anymore. My looks are completely gone. I don’t put that effort that I used to into looking presentable. I hardly ever wear make-up. I wear clothes that won’t show my bulge which means they’re usually oversized t-shirts. I don’t ever pamper myself. Last time I tried to live on the edge and get my hair cut, I just ended up trimming it. No color, no style. Nothing. I don’t even lather up with lotion, or body spray like I used to. Deodorant is pretty much as far as I get when it comes to scents.

I feel like a slob.

My workplace isn’t much help either (not like it mattered at my last one either). I work with guys, we never see our customers in person, and we handle FMC parts. So there isn’t much need to get all dolled up. Chances are by the end of the day I’ll have grease somewhere on me. Lovely. Stay at home mom’s, I envy you. I know that being a SAHM is not easy, and it’s just as grueling as any other job. But between naps, at least you get some downtime, housework chores completed, or a bit of "you" time. I get to come home and finish whatever it is that I tried to finish up the day before. I wish I had your energy. I don’t know how some of you can even stay up as late as 11 pm doing crafts, projects, or getting some pampering in knowing you’ll have to be up early again the next day to do your job, being a mom. Being a “working” mom, Em is usually at the sitters so I don’t get to spend all that time with her. Still, I get tired and she’s off the walls nowadays. She’s constantly on the go and wanting to explore. So even with that time we do spend I’m left feeling even more tired than before. So I have such respect for all of you.

I wish I could be like all of you.

Instead, here I sit. In a shirt that I just grabbed and threw on (it’s too tight), my hair piled up in an awkward looking bun, bags under my eyes, no make-up on, and eyebrows that haven’t had attention in weeks. I’m not trying to impress anyone, and I don’t care what any strangers think of my looks. But when did I stop caring about me?

Yesterday

Today

Fuck! <----Yea. That's Right, I Said It!

Today has been a frustrating day. Everything is hitting me all at once. I feel like I'm about to snap; it won't be pretty.

Here are the key points:

• My boss is awesome, and I’m so happy for their new addition. But my goodness, this place is a mess without him! I’m counting the days till he comes back so I won’t feel so lost.

• FUCK Cancer, FUCK CF, and FUCK anything that causes pain, suffering and takes the lives of innocent babies. They are innocent damn it!

• I want to take that POS explorer and bash the hell out of it! I want to take all the money it’s cost us, is costing us still, and put it towards a down payment on a NEW vehicle. A reliable one. Then, I want to send the damn explorer over a fucking cliff!

• I wish everyone would stop giving me shit! I am trying. I am trying to get everything organized, paid off, and get us back on our feet. So just SHUT UP and leave me ALONE. Just for five freakin' minutes I would love to not be JUDGED, SCOLDED, or TOLD HOW CRAPPY OF A JOB I’M DOING. I’m doing the best that I can do!

• I NEED A DAMN VACATION!

That is all. 

Happy Friday

I'm sorry, but I LOVE this song. And to be honest, I love Chris Brown. Yes, he made a really shitty decision. Yes, he hurt someone. I do not CONDONE any kind of abuse, and I think he paid pretty nicely for what he did. However, people can change, they can get help, and they can be sorry. Whether he's any of these or not, I don't know. But I can't argue that the man has a nice voice, that he can move, and he's just so nice to look at! LOL!

As for me, today has not been a very good one. I’m listening to music (hence the video) in a sad attempt to maybe salvage the rest of my afternoon? All I have to say on the subject is: I hate being the MIDDLE man! Everyone has each other's numbers, so they need to stop calling me to get information about someone else!!! It’s so ANNOYING! I have enough to worry about.

That is all.

Hope you guys have a WONDERFUL weekend!!! 

p/s I need to go for a run!! Bad!! 

My Downer Mood Is Starting To Annoy Me..

Today, I had an awful start. My husband really pissed me off at 5 am. And then I had to take him to work. Grr. But then, of course, he apologized and we finally heard back about our POS explorer and it was WONDERFUL news!! There is nothing wrong with the transmission like we thought! Thank GOD!

You see, between December ‘09 and August ‘10 some asshole decided to take off our 4 x 4 shaft. Apparently, disconnecting those wires (because the asshole couldn’t have placed them back when they stole the shaft) is what caused the damn thing to have a few seizures until it finally wouldn’t run over 40 mph without shaking and making a whole lotta racket. Fun, fun!! At the time, we had no clue what the problem could be so I feared the worst. We thought it had something to do with the transmission, and I was all bent out of shape over having to fork over at least $500 (if not more) on a vehicle I didn’t want in the first place!! And then, we found out that the wires just needed to be reconnected and it was in need of an alignment. BAD! This means that, at most, I will be spending $150. Yay!! This means we can finally drive it and not have to depend on my parents to loan us their vehicle when we need to go somewhere!! Yay us! I am seriously tickled fucking pink over this!! –Yes, that explicit term was necessary- So, even with that awful start (and the crappy cold weather), my day is starting to look up!

Now, I just have to send off to get my hubs SR-22, and in about 4-6 weeks he can apply for his license in Texas!! I am NEVER driving again when this finally comes to be! We’ve been waiting 3 years for this! But with all of this “goodness” coming in my direction, I’m still a bit nervous. I’m trying to not get too excited because with my luck (which has NEVER been good) something bad ALWAYS happens. I really hope this time is different though. Please, please, please let it be different?!

Now, taking this post in a completely different direction. I’m so bummed today!! I am wanting a house/place of our own so bad. I would love to be able to furnish and decorate however I want! I want to have a place in working order (electricity/water/ CHA) with an actual fridge and stove. To have those, well, it would be too much for me to take in at once I think! I’d probably pee myself. But, this will not happen for a good long time.  

I’ve been looking at apartments and houses for rent. Unfortunately, most places would not take us because of our family pet Sampson. So, our choices are VERY limited. So far, I’ve found out that we could NOT afford a house. They do credit checks, criminal history checks, most of them have a “no pet” policy, and we’re looking at $800 per month and up. Not to mention most have a $500+ deposit fee. Factor in utilities, most of our bills, and we are left paying at least $1,000+ a month. Ugggh!! We’d have to have a roommate. Which is something I want to stay away from. Then, we have apartments. Again, most around here have a “no pet” policy, and they require criminal history and credit checks. They are a bit cheaper, but the spaces are usually small. Unless we do River Walk again, which is SO not an option for me. The wait list is so long, and there are too many families with little kids that run around unsupervised. THEN, that’s where all the bad crap happened before and I ‘d rather avoid it.

Which brings me to buying. I wish we could buy our own house, but that means permanence. I really would like to get out of this town one day. I’ve stated before that I would love to be closer to the ocean. Away and on our own. But you can’t find cheap prices around beaches the way you can here. And I repeat "I DO NOT WANT TO LIVE HERE FOREVER". Then, there’s this really huge problem with our credit. It sucks! We are below “BAD” when it comes to our score. THANK YOU CREDIT CARDS! So even with us paying stuff off, we’d have to wait another 6-12 months before it would reflect on our score in a positive way.  

Look at the kind of deals we're missing out on:

3bdrm/2bath

Big back yard

Wooden FLOORS

$69,000.00

Yea the town is small, and we haven't really thought about staying here permanently, but most of these homes are in between my family and his. And it would be OURS. It even has a dishwasher!! The paint job inside would have to be redone, but it would be the perfect first home! And I want that! I want a place of our own. A place that Beau, Em, and I could call OUR home. Not "we live with my parents". Not "we stay at his mom's" - never again. And not "Oh we have a roommate". I want a place we wouldn't have to share with anyone. So today, I'm really sad. Because having the option of looking for our dream home isn't even possible right now. All I can do is just pray that the big man has a plan.

Baby steps Raquel...

Baby steps...

One Of THOSE Days

I look pregnant.

I'm not pregnant.

I am TIRED.

Emery has decided to wake up at around 1:30 every night for the past week.

I am trying to be financially productive.

My husband is trying to be counterproductive it seems.

I am so easily irritated today.

I blame that on lack of sleep.

I need a routine.

Every time I START a routine, something throws me off.

I want to go home and do nothing.

The house is a mess, and we I have a lot of cleaning to do.

I want a weekend to myself.

THAT WILL NEVER HAPPEN.

Icck. Umm... Hmph! Ugghhh!! Gr. Eeehhhh!

That is all.

p/s Em's birthday party is tomorrow. 

Hope it goes well! 

Frustrated

I am beyond frustrated. I am so uneasy, and I feel as if I want to just rip off my skin. I’m craving a cigarette so bad. I feel so trapped and I can’t even scream. I remember how things were before. When I would take care of it, one of two ways. But that’s not me. I can’t do that anymore. I’m over that now.

So why do I feel like the biggest piece of crap?

Why do I feel as if my husband is just walking through the motions?

Why do I feel as if I can’t breathe?

Why do I feel like this is it? This is my life. Going nowhere fast.

Why do I all of a sudden not want?

I just….ughhhhh……..FUCK!!!

p/s Due to some weird guy tagging the pictures

of my daughter, on Facebook,

I have decided to not post many pictures of her anymore. On anything.

Now What?

I’m frustrated. My parents (by that I mean my mother) want us to stay here.

You need to go to school here. 

You need to graduate here. 

Y'all need to find a house here. 

Y'all need to live here.

You won’t find anything in California.

With the plans Beau wanted to make, I knew that we couldn’t move anywhere until I got an education. But all these damn continuing ed classes have so many damn requirements (half of which take at least 3 months to complete). And if I went into a medical or pharmaceutical field, I’d have to retake a course if I ever moved out of state. ????  Doesn’t that completely cancel out the purpose of me taking the classes here? All the money spent, just to have to RETAKE it in another state? My GOD.

Beau’s job offer won’t be there forever. And that’s such a huge move with nothing. No money. Ugh, and now my mom is nagging at me because she thinks we need to stay here. You just shouldn’t move anywhere. No one could take care of Emery like family. You don’t have anyone you trust in California to take care of her and daycares are awful. But I can’t live right next door to her forever. At some point, we’ll have to leave (for my sanities sake). At some point, both Beau and I will be working and daycare or a babysitter will be a must. It’s going to happen at some point.

Right now, I’m just not sure what I want to do with my life. I have no idea which direction to go in, and I am completely frustrated about it. I am confused as to what to do. I’m frustrated at work. I have no desire to be there. But right now there is nothing else for me? No other jobs are coming up, and they keep feeding my dad lines on when they’ll be able to hire me at FMC. They told Beau to go apply at Square One last Friday and he did. We still haven’t heard back from them. The roofing company he was with hasn’t heard back from any of the bids so there’s no work for them right now. And I am negative in our account again. Money management really isn’t the problem either; it’s trying to live off of $400 checks (every two weeks). Sometimes, I have to overdraft in order to afford diapers or formula. Don’t judge me.

So now what? What do I do? Where do I go? And how do I get there? I have no idea. I wish I could get some kind of a sign.

p/s  After we went for a run this afternoon,

I opened the freezer to get some chicken, and

I noticed that MY bottle of jager was pretty much empty.

My husband decided he was going to drink my booze without telling me.

What a jerk!! I'm a pissed off about it.