In Pursuit of Wellness // August 2024

Well, my eating habits have not been great. I had originally told myself I would stick to my dietary restrictions, but that went out the window as soon as the cravings hit. And now, when I weigh myself every Monday (or Tuesday if I forget), I feel pretty terrible about myself. On one hand, I should probably stop checking the scale. On the other hand, it’s helpful to track my weight in case there is a huge jump my doctor needs to be made aware of. Double-edge sword anyone? Anyway, I’m trying to be positive, but it’s been difficult. And at the end of the day, I struggle a lot with sugar and sweets.

Current Weight (CW): 196.9 lbs

Favorite Food: Tillamook “Mudslide” Ice cream is SO delicious. And super addictive. We buy a container about once a month and it’s hard for me not to eat a cup of it every night when we have it. I know, I know. It’s terrible for me, and I need to stop.

Movement: Lately, it’s been a combination of running, walking, and weights. I head to the gym once a week. I run 2-3x a week. And I walk once a week depending on how I am feeling and of course the heat. Sometimes this looks like three or four solid days of exercise. In other weeks, there are just two. But the point is to keep moving and doing something. However, I am sometimes so tired that I don’t have much energy left to fit in a walk.

Quick Journal: Seeing the number on the scale go up has affected me - I won’t lie. I worked really hard to lose 40+ lbs and then to see that number go back up, it’s hard. Plus, I’ve always had issues with my weight. That said, I know that pregnancy comes with weight gain. And I know it’s different for everyone. But even though I tell myself this fact (constantly) I still struggle to get past it. I struggle with feeling bad about myself and my body. Especially on weigh-in days.

Overall, I am doing better though. While I have bad days regarding my weight, I still try to eat about 60% healthy/40% not-so-healthy. I still make an effort to work out, even if it’s not always consistent. And I try to keep a positive attitude. I let myself know this is a beautiful time, and I’m growing a little human inside of my body. Which I am grateful for. And in the end, I’ll be able to work hard again to drop the weight. I’ve done it once so I know I can do it again. It may be a little different, and it may take a little bit more time, but I can do it.

In Pursuit of Wellness // June 2024

A lot has changed since the last time I wrote about my wellness journey. I had a little health scare. I had to switch up supplements. I was benched from running for a whole month. And then switched up my diet plan. So, it’s been an interesting few months, to say the least.

Current Weight (CW): 186.6 lbs

Favorite Food: Cold Tomatoes with salt. This has been my go-to snack. I take two tomatoes, slice them up, and then sprinkle them with salt. Things in Texas are hot and humid right now. So, on most days when I want something cold and refreshing, this does the trick.

Movement: Running! I was given the green light to start running again. Though, I have to slowly build up my mileage. Currently, I’m doing 1.5 miles. After this week I can up it to 2.5 miles. I tried doing other exercises while I was benched, but they just did not make me feel the same. I’m sure it’s all mental, but I’m just super happy to be out on the roads/trails again!

Quick Journal: My diet has not been great. And I’ve had some stressors in my life lately that I’m trying to manage. So, not only has my stress gone up but I've also had a touch of depression and anxiety. I've been able to manage this by getting outside and listening to ASMR. I believe this has helped so I feel okay about where I'm at both physically and mentally. My next step will be to cut dairy products out again and then go back to limiting added sugar. I'm hoping this will help me feel much better. 

Overall, things are going well. While I’ve gained weight, there’s a reason for it, and I plan on taking the steps necessary to maintain a healthy weight for where I'm at this season. That said, after just one week of being able to run the scale has shown that I’ve slowed the weight gain. Now, the diet change won’t happen overnight, but I’m feeling positive. Also, I do plan on incorporating some strength training going forward. I’m trying to get a schedule worked out for that, and here’s hoping I can start next week. 

In Pursuit of Wellness // February 2024

Last year, I briefly touched base on my health. At the time, things were looking a little not-so-great. The words “diabetes” and “cardiac event” listed in red on my lab paperwork were kind of scary. And so, I had to start working on reversing these issues before they became huge problems that I couldn’t fix anymore. With that, I started on a different kind of journey. One that didn’t focus on the scale, but rather on overall wellness, movement, and being selective about the food I consumed. Thanks to Dr. Hogan, and my wonderful husband’s cooking skills - the tough changes that I had to make became bearable. That said, I wasn’t exactly sure how this would turn out. Before, I used to have this obsession with losing weight and being thin. It was as if I gauged my worth based on what size clothing I fit into and what number was listed on the scale. And if I’m being honest, I still struggle with my relationship with food. The dietary restrictions I have been placed on have allowed me to see just how bad that relationship had gotten too.

After 8 weeks on my plan, Dr. Hogan* extended it another 8 weeks. Then, I got more blood work done in December. The results were positive! I was actually reversing the damage I had caused, and the weight was coming off. My numbers were moving in the right direction, but not quite where my doctor wanted them. So, she extended the plan by another 3 months. But then, Christmas happened. Followed by New Year's. Then I was gifted a large amount of chocolate (which I ate), and when our well pump broke in the middle of January we consumed a good amount of takeout during that time. And just as quickly as I had made the changes, I had slipped up. For the most part, I stuck by my dietary restrictions, I just indulged too much during those 6 weeks. While I did feel terrible, I opted to give myself some grace. I let Dr. Hogan know about the setback. And then my husband and I decided to start the plan over again. So, January 29 was our reset date. We got rid of a lot of things in our pantry that were tempting, and I started working on my workout/run schedule.

Now, I was super hesitant to post anything about weight on here. If you’ve followed along for a while you probably saw my “Weight Loss Weigh-in” series. Looking back, I feel bad about the place I was in, mentally, as I struggled with my self-esteem and weight. I would weigh myself every other day and feel like complete crap if the number didn’t change or if I gained. But I’m in a different headspace now. So, I don’t want to put that kind of “content” out there. I don’t want to slide back into those old habits either. However, I would like to document some of the positives that have come out of these new lifestyle changes. So, I’m going to write about my experience every once in a while. Maybe every other month. Just to track how I’m feeling, what movement I’ve been enjoying, and what snack/meal I can’t seem to get enough of at that time. Or maybe I’ll change my mind. We shall see.

For this post, I will list my starting weight (before any restrictions/my highest weight last summer), current weight (I weigh myself once a month for Dr. Hogan), and goal weight (this is the number Dr. Hogan recommended). I will also list my BMI numbers. Now, I’ve talked to Dr. Hogan about what I would like to see, and what is most important to me, which isn’t necessarily weight-related. So, that goal weight number may never be reached - which I would be perfectly okay with. My focus is on balanced hormones, and having a healthy body (inside and out) that allows me to be around for a long time - God willing. Going forward, any posts I make will only reference my current weight (CW) for that month. So, let’s get to it, shall we?

Starting Weight (SW): 211 lbs
Current Weight (CW): 183 lbs
Goal Weight (GW): 141 lbs
Starting/Current/Goal BMI: 35.6/32.4/25

Favorite Food: Cashews! Oh man, I can’t get enough of these. They have been my go-to snack for the past 6 months. I'm actually snacking on them right now. I get the H-E-B brand labeled “Roasted & Lightly Salted”. And I can go through a 32 oz bag in a week. Oddly, I haven’t gotten tired of them yet. Some days I actually crave them. I’ll grab a handful between meals, and sometimes when I need a snack in the afternoon because I don’t feel full - I grab another handful or two.

Movement: I started going back to the gym twice a week for anywhere between 30 - 45 minutes. Some days I would lift weights, and other days I just walked on the treadmill or hopped on the elliptical. Since I haven’t been as consistent with running as I would like, though I’m hoping I get back into a grove soon, my goal is to just move for a minimum of 30 minutes each day. That said, we’ve decided to make some cuts due to our budget, and well, the gym membership will be one of those I drop this month. So, I’ll be looking at doing at-home workouts starting in March. Wish me luck!

Quick Journal: While I can make it through my days, my energy levels are not where I would like them. Even when I get 7.5 hours of sleep I don’t feel rested. And I’m also struggling with a lack of focus. It’s affecting both my work and home life. I space out a lot. So, I plan to talk to Dr. Hogan about this the next time we check in. I’ve also noticed some changes in my emotions during my cycle, and while it’s not concerning - it’s different. We’ll see if this is just a shift, or if it’ll be permanent.

Overall, I feel like this is a good start. It wasn’t as hard to get back on track as I originally thought it would be. Having to decline eating out is probably the biggest struggle. Well, no, saying “no” to chocolate is the biggest struggle. And while I plan to stick with my restrictions, after these next 3 months we’ve (Corey and I) decided that I am allowed a “day pass” as a reward at the end of each month. I will get a day of eating whatever I want (in moderation of course). Whether that’s pan dulce, bread, pasta, chocolate, cheeseburgers, soda, sweet tea, pizza, or comfort foods - I can say yes for the day. This gives me something to work towards and look forward to having. I believe it will help me with discipline and self-control as well. For now, that’s the plan. I hope it continues to bring about a lot of positive changes.

*I’m not being compensated for anything written in this post regarding Dr. Olivia Hogan & her services. She's just doing a lot of good for women’s health & I am so proud. Super grateful too! She’s helped me understand a lot about what’s going on with my body. If you’re in Texas & interested in learning more about her services you can do so HERE on her website

I Neglected My Health & Now I Have to Fix It

If you’ve been around here you know that I have “yo-yo’d” in weight. I’ve been told by doctors that I have a thyroid problem, that my cortisol levels are always really high, and that I need to cut out gluten. I was told that I needed to eat less than 1,200 calories a day and work out for an hour, 4-5x a week just to stop the weight gain. But none of that worked. And no one ever really explained what any of my numbers meant or how it was affecting my body. Sometimes, others would look over what the doctors had interpreted and question why I was being “treated” a certain way if it wasn’t going to help or address my issues. The frustration of not knowing, continuing to gain weight, and struggling with conceiving finally came to a breaking point this past summer. 

One of my sisters, Dr. Hogan*, is a Functional Medicine practitioner and part of the International Chiropractic Pediatric Association. At the end of July, I asked her for some help and she put in an order to have some blood work done. A week after having labs done, my results came in and there was a lot to discuss. I had a few red flags, but also some improvements - both my cortisol levels and thyroid looked fine. We went over every single result, and what it meant. She explained how it was affecting my body, and answered any questions that I had. Nothing was too dumb or off the table. Unfortunately, those red flags were pretty concerning so we went over a treatment plan. It consisted of a specific meal plan for the next 8 weeks (currently on week 5), exercise, supplements tailored to my needs, and learning the proper way to fuel my body. Goodbye, 1,200 calorie restriction. But y’all…it’s been an adjustment.

We’ve had to undergo a lot of changes. Getting rid of plastic food containers, and anything with perfume. I have to be very selective about the food I consume. There’s a lot that’s been taken out, and honestly, if it weren’t for Corey’s cooking skills I might not have made it this far. Also, the amount of supplements I have to take each day is just…UGH. But, if I want to reverse the damage, and prevent any major future health problems it has to be done. So, Corey and I dove right into it. We did a pantry/fridge cleanse. I got rid of all the beauty/hygiene products that I could without being wasteful. And while this was initially a bit pricey, we’ve been able to make slight adjustments to our grocery budget which helps. Sidenote: We CHOSE to make the majority of the changes from the get-go, Dr. Hogan said we could take baby steps.

Right now, the hardest part has been cutting out sugar. Chocolate, cookies, ice cream, coffee creamer, cake, and my beloved sweet tea. And because I can’t have creamer I’ve had to get creative on how I get my daily dose of caffeine. One word: smoothies. Even with a workaround, I’ve cut back dramatically on the amount of caffeine I consume each day and my body is feeling it. By 7 p.m. I’m ready for bed, and it takes a lot of mental strength to keep me going. Other “side effects” have been low energy, mood swings, irritability, and a small bout of depression. I’m hoping after week 5, these will start to subside. And fingers crossed that by week 7 I’ll feel much better. But isn’t that crazy? How my body is reacting to removing all of the crap I was putting into it. It’s been interesting, and somewhat surprising. I knew I would go through “withdrawals,” but I didn’t realize how extreme some of them would be.

All of this to say, prioritize your health. Ask the questions. Get second or third opinions. Listen to your body. Invest in a nutritionist if you can. Consider taking toxic products out of your home. Though trust me when I say that I totally understand sometimes you can’t afford to do that. Do some movement for 30 minutes a day. Get some rest. And know that there isn’t a one-size-fits-all approach. My treatment is probably completely different from what yours could be and it may require more/less baby steps. But it’s worth it! From August 15 to today, I have lost just over seven pounds. Will that continue? I don’t know, but I’m hopeful. While I’m not feeling the absolute best during this stage, I can feel my body getting stronger. The brain fog I was in before is slowly lifting too. Now, I’m just praying that it’s helping internally as well. Though you better believe I’m having some dang chocolate cake at the end of these 8 weeks. Talk about a delicious incentive.

*I’m not being compensated for this, I’m just truly proud of Olivia and how much good she’s doing for women’s health. She’s helped me understand a lot about what’s going on with my body. If you’re in Texas & interested in learning more about her services you can do so here on her website.

Weight Loss - Weigh In // November 2020

Well, look at that! It’s November. We had a pretty great Halloween over in our neck of the woods. Dia de los Muertos was on Sunday and then All Souls Day was on Monday. I prayed for my grandpa and those we’ve lost recently. Spent some time reflecting on this new season and what my hopes were for the last two months of 2020. Now unless you’re living under a rock, today is ELECTION DAY, so this is my gentle reminder for you to go out and vote. I don’t care which side you’re on. And whatever happens, I hope that everyone can remain peaceful. Anywho, before I get sidetracked into a very different kind of post, let's get on with this month’s weigh-in, shall we? 

Starting Weight (SW): 189 lbs 

Current Weight (CW): 194.0 lbs 

Goal Weight (GW): 160 lbs

Eating Habits- I switched up my intermittent fasting method to 16:8. And since we usually have later evenings my eating window has shifted as well. I now eat between noon and 8pm. Sunday through Thursday. My day looks something like this: Breakfast - Coffee w/ almond milk creamer, Lunch - Protein shake w/ a small snack, Dinner - A meat w/ two sides. I do my best to eat at least one vegetable with my main dish. I also drink between 40 - 60 oz of water per day. 

Fitness Progress- Yikes! This I have been terrible at. I have no idea where people find the time? Since COVID, my gym is only open from 6am to 9pm. And even though that’s a nice window, it’s not a wide enough one for our daily schedules. So, I have decided to take up outdoor running again. I know, with the weather & time change, this is such impeccable timing. But I need to do something. Like I said previously, I’m wanting to get some movement in daily. That’s my goal. No monthly challenges. No time or distance goals. Just get up and get going. I did my first short run last night. 

Mental Health- I am struggling in this area. It probably doesn’t help that we’ve just entered a seasonal change and daylight savings time ended. And let me clarify, I'm talking about my mindset when it comes to self-image, motivation for working out, changing eating habits, and thinking that I can actually lose weight. So, when there’s no progress in my weight loss journey I end up feeling worse, and unfortunately, it can really bum me out. That's why I’ve decided to increase my Ashwagandha intake from 1 capsule to 2 per day. See if that helps? If I still feel the same after two months or it gets worse and starts affecting other areas of my mental health, I’ll contact my doctor. 

In conclusion, we’re off to a very slow start. I clearly have a lot of areas that I need to work on. I’m also going to start scheduling workout/run days on our family calendar so everyone knows that I have to have that time blocked off. And I’m going to try cleaning up my eating a bit more. Just a smidge. I’ll be switching up my regular lunch shake to a vegan protein shake with a few added supplements to see if it helps overall. Oh! And if you’re in search of a simple, clean, intermittent fasting app I highly recommend ZERO*. Alright, well, wish me luck! And Happy November!🍂

*Not being paid; just really love it! 

Weight Loss - Weigh In // October 2020

Starting all over. Again. You would think that at some point I would get tired of the up and down. The beginning of a journey and then its subsequent failure. Of the constant yo-yo in weight and negative body image that came with it. Of the excuses. And yet, here we are! For a while now, I’ve struggled with hormone issues. Though no one could actually pinpoint what the problems were, there were inconsistencies in my blood work. Every time. I’d have one doctor tell me it was a thyroid issue. Another said that all of my problems would go away if I just stopped eating “wheat”. Auto-Immune disease was brought up at another appointment. Then at my latest visit, with yet another doctor, I was told that I was perfectly healthy but my body was continuously producing a stress hormone. 

Apparently (supposedly), I have a case of “chronic stress”. This is causing my body to stay in “fight or flight” mode which makes me overproduce cortisol - among other things. And because of this, I won’t be able to lose weight until I get it under control. The problem is that there's no straightforward way to do that. My doctor suggested a few supplements and told me to cut back on others. Then I was told to keep exercising and hope that I’d eventually stop being so “stressed out”. I’d need to go back in four to six months to have more blood work done to check on my progress. So, here we are ladies and gents! I’m praying that this is the final and official “diagnosis” for me. That my new supplement regimen paired with a good exercise routine helps me to drop some weight and feel better. So, yes. Here’s to starting over. Again. 

Starting Weight (SW): 189 lbs 

Current Weight (CW): 193.4 lbs 

Goal Weight (GW): 160 lbs

Eating Habits- I’m currently doing the 14:10 intermittent fasting. Though I’m not super strict with it on some days because there are times when we eat dinner around 7:30 or right at 8. I eat three meals a day. I’m allowed two small snacks and one 8 oz cup of coffee. Breakfast is usually a smoothie but on days when I feel really hungry, I opt for oatmeal. Lunch is a protein shake. And then I have a regular dinner. 

Fitness Progress- Workout routines are...crap. My schedule is all over the place and it’s hard for me to have set days to work out. So, for now, I try to work out three times a week, in no particular order. But honestly, as long as I’m getting some movement in my day, I call it good for now. 

 

Mental Health- I am so frustrated with myself right now. I’m angry at the fact that more often than not when I look in the mirror I walk away feeling really low. I don’t like what I see and it carries over into how I think/speak to myself. I’m annoyed with my daily lack of motivation. And I’m tired of having to test out supplement after supplement. There isn’t a day that goes by where I don’t feel like just giving up. And, I’m so frustrated with this whole process. Mentally, I’m struggling with being positive when it comes to weight loss or better eating habits. But I’m trying. And that’s really all I can do. 

In conclusion, this girl has a lot of work to do. But I feel like we’re off to an okay start. I keep telling myself that these changes have to be thought of as lifestyle changes. Because of that, I’m just doing a few things at a time instead of going all out right from the start. Clearly, that’s never worked for me before. So, I hope this all finally leads up to some weight loss. And to some better mental health days. ✌ 

Weight Loss - Weigh In - June 2019

I normally give a little bit of a rundown on how the month is going before I get into this post, but honestly, we haven’t done much. Things have been relatively quiet around here. I did have a little bit of a disagreement with my daughter’s father over a particular incident, but that’s a post for another time. We also had a little issue with our neighbor’s dog. The little shit bit Emery twice. Thankfully, nothing really bad happened because she’s a small dog and Emery’s an older kid. Still, it did break skin and I ended up filing a police report. So yea, another month, y’all! And now, another weigh-in. Here we go! 

Starting Weight (SW): 189 lbs
Current Weight (CW): 172.4 lbs
Goal Weight (GW): 160 lbs

Just FYI, this is me completely naked - right after waking up - and it's how I do the majority of my weigh-ins.

On the diet front, things have been good. Like I stated in the last post I’ve been doing my own modified version of a low carb diet. I try to keep my carb intake at 100g or less per day. This is still going strong during the week but I’m definitely more lax on the weekends. My water intake is currently sitting pretty at 96oz per day which is just right for me. I’m even getting to a point where I’m not wanting sweet tea as much anymore. I also had a visit with my doctor this month and based on my esophagus issues as well as my thyroid problems he recommended that I try cutting out gluten products. But this bissh loves her pizza and spaghetti so...yea. I may give it a try here in July, but I just don’t know. He said that cutting out bread would help with all of my health issues and ensure that the weight I’m losing stays off. But y’all…..how do I go without pizza…?? Anyway, I’m really pleased with my eating habits at the moment. I’m trying out a new Keto coffee too since I stopped buying the ItWorks kind. I couldn’t taste a major difference but I’ll keep you posted. Now, it feels like it took forever and a day to find a nice balance between the foods I want to eat and the foods I should be eating. But I’m finally getting there, and that’s been a pretty major accomplishment for me.  

Moving right along over to the fitness department. I’m finally getting back to being active. Summer is always a great time for me in this area. I like being able to run outside and breathe in some fresh air. Being able to feel the sun’s heat on my face. So, I’ve started hitting the track at least three times a week. Then I go lift weights at the gym for the other two days. Of course, there are times when I don’t feel like going in 100% but I still make sure to fit in some form of activity. If that means just walking laps around the track, or walking up and down the bleachers for about an hour then that’s what I do. If the only time I get is when we’re out walking the dogs, then I make sure to be out walking for at least thirty minutes. If you struggle with motivation like I do, just know that you don't have to go balls to the wall, when working out. Even something as simple as walking for 20 minutes per day can go a long way. And this is because any kind of movement is better than nothing at all. 

Mentally, I’m feeling pretty good. My anxiety has been kept pretty much at bay lately. During my doctor’s appointment, we also talked about when I’d start scaling back on my medications. At the moment, the game plan is to keep me on them for another two to three months. Then we’ll start the process of weaning me off, and hopefully, I’ll do well on my own. So, in that area, I feel like I’m right on track. This week has been a bit of a strange one for me though. Between my supplements, creams, increase in medication mg’s, and a few nights of very little sleep I’m feeling a little off balance. It’s hard to put into words but it’s almost a little disorienting; out of body. Also, my hormones have been raging, think peak teenage sex drive status, and I’ll be completely honest - it can be very VERY distracting. So, I’m making another round of adjustments to see if switching things up helps tamper this...eh..side effect? And I’m also trying to get back to a 9:30 (ish) bedtime because this lady definitely needs at least six hours of it to function. 

Overall, I’m feeling pretty great! I’m focusing more on just being healthy rather than being “skinny”. I only weigh myself at the end of each month in order to not focus on the numbers. We did do a mid-month weigh-in for our office competition, but other than that I don’t worry about it. This has also been a really great way for me to learn more about my body. From my menstrual cycle to the foods that cause me to bloat and how much sleep I need in order to feel my best. I’m learning more about when my body needs rest, what causes my headaches, and when I can push a workout a bit further. When I start to feel the edges of my anxiety start to flare out I know that I need a good sweat session in order to put that fucker back in its place. When I start to overthink things or feel overwhelmed I know that I need to go for a run or hit the bleachers. Maybe even both. I’ve found this to be a great way for my mind to work through whatever is troubling me. Now, I only have one goal for July and that’s to increase my weekly running mileage. I currently do about three miles of strictly running each week and I want to bump that up to four. So, that’s about all for this month’s progress post. All catch y’all again at the end of July. 🌞

Weight Loss - Weigh In - May 2019

Summer is officially here, y’all! Last week we had the last days of school for our area, and Emery was more than ready for it to be over. We had a lot of stuff to get done before school was out so I was a little MIA. Sorry! We’ve also had some changes at home, and I spent some much needed time smoothing out the transition. There were also some back-to-back storms that rolled through our area last month and they kind of messed with my Wifi. We finally got it all fixed last Friday. This is why I completely spaced on my “weigh in” post for May. So, lucky you, this means that there will be two this month! You’re welcome. Anywho, let’s get started, shall we? 

Starting Weight (SW): 189 lbs
Current Weight (CW): 175.8 lbs
Goal Weight (GW): 160 lbs

On the diet front, I started doing a modified version of low carb. Now, I love pizza and pasta. Tortillas and bread. So, I knew that I didn’t want to give all of it up completely. After consulting my ever knowledgable sister-in-law I decided to try and stick with 100g or less on carbs during the week. On the weekends I would just stick with making healthy choices. So far, I feel like this has made me feel better physically. I’m sticking with it as best as I can, and overall there has been less bloating. I also backed off on my coffee intake. And y’all, that detox was no freakin’ joke. I spent five full days in absolute hell. Another two with some killer headaches. But, I got it done. Last week I did have some days when I consumed coffee, but we are going back off this week. Fingers crossed it won’t be so bad. My water intake has stayed consistent, and overall I’m pleased with that. 

Moving on to fitness. May was not my best month. BUT there was progress. I did spend time walking in the afternoons, and I went to the gym twice a week. I mainly used the treadmill to walk and I’d hop on the elliptical too. I’m trying to get my body used to doing cardio again since I’ve gone so long without. June will be the month that I start building on this progress. I'm hoping to have a nice variety of gym time as well as hitting the track for some good old fashion bleacher sessions. Wish me luck! 

Mentally, May started off rocky. I had a few major changes that I’ll talk about at a later date. There was an adjustment period that I needed to work through. My doctor and I had also increased my medication by a few mg’s and it took a few days to figure out what time frame they needed to be taken at in order for me to not feel complete groggy in the mornings. I’ve still been taking the weight loss pills, but only during the week. They now only keep me really REALLY thirsty. They were not much of an appetite suppressant for very long. About the first three weeks only. And as I spoke about them before, they did not give me any energy. So, at the moment they’re just ensuring that I keep drinking water throughout the day. I go back to speak with my doctor in two weeks about all of the medications I have and when we’ll be starting the process of getting me off of them. We’ll also be doing more blood work and I’m hoping there’s been some improvement with my thyroid as well as my hormones. 

Overall, I’ve been feeling a lot better than I have in a long time. I’ve stayed off of Facebook for the most part since I gave it up for Lent. Updated a few things last night, but that was done on the computer. The APP has been removed from my phone.  The only real social media I use is Instagram. My phone switches over to “Do Not Disturb” earlier than before too. I feel like this has helped me out a lot. I’m focusing more on taking care of myself rather than all of the noise around me. That said, for June I have a few goals I’m hoping to smash. I’m wanting to start running again, and now that Emery is out of school I’m hoping to start a more consistent work out routine. However, I’m more focused on just being active rather than how many calories I’ve burned or the weight that I’m lifting. I’m more focused now on being healthy rather than “skinny”. I feel like my eating habits are pretty solid and established now so I just want to keep going in that area. And then, I'm also planning on finally deleting a few of my social media accounts and possibly deactivating Facebook again soon. So yeah here’s to June y’all! To summer and finally getting some downtime. I hope it's been a great start for everyone so far. 

Weight Loss - Weigh In - April 2019

April has just been one of those months, you know? And as much as I wish I could say there was a ton of progress, there wasn’t. But this month is ALL on me. I’ve been doing my best to get through this huge tidal wave of emotions that made their way into my life recently. But fuck if it hasn’t been hard. I honestly had no motivation to do anything this month. The goals I had set back in March went out the window almost as soon as I had set them. Working out was the last thing on my mind. And now that my body is getting balanced out on the hormone front I’ve been experiencing A LOT of feelings. Then once my cycle comes around, forget about it, I’m a complete mess. I cried over anything and everything. Sometimes over nothing at all! I even cried over Heath Ledger GIF’s. Even with my anti-depressants, during this time, I sometimes still feel really low. But it changes within minutes. So, yea, it’s been intense. I’m just trying my best to learn how to navigate all of the feelings when they get really intense like this. I’m told takes a lot of practice. Anyway, more on that later. For now, I’m just going to cover the stats for this month. 

Starting Weight (SW): 189 lbs
Current Weight (CW): 180.4 lbs
Goal Weight (GW): 160 lbs

On the diet front, I personally think I’m doing really good. It’s been about the same for a few months now. The only difference is my caffeine intake. For April, I started drinking It Works! Keto Coffee. Now, I basically got guilted into trying this for three months so that’s honestly the only reason why I’m drinking it.  It is sooo overpriced, and it hasn’t done anything for me, honestly. Psst, you can get it from Amazon at basically the same price as you would through a distributor. Regardless, I’m stuck with it for two more months. So, I’ve replaced two cups of my normal coffee in the morning with 10 oz of this. Anyway, everything else has stayed the same. 

Now, for the exercise part. Ha! Ahahahahaha! Yea, I sucked. There was no progress here whatsoever.  I walked a bit, but other than that. Nothing. So, yea. All on me.  

Mentally, I’ve been doing okay. Like I stated above, I’ve just been on what feels like hormone overload. And so the closer I get to my cycle the more mood swings I tend to have. I've also been getting panic/anxiety attacks. My mood swings are usually frequent and often leave me with some emotional whiplash. I’m not even kidding. A few days after my cycle ends I’ll look back and think, “WTF was that?!?!” I go through really low lows and then really high highs around the time of, and during my cycle. Once it's over I go back to feeling fine. I know that in order to shake a lot of this off I need to start working out again in order to alleviate some of that pent up anxiety, or frustration from the day. But I just don’t. Either I’m short on time, or I just have no motivation. Or I feel completely exhausted and tapped out. So, I’m trying to get a handle on this. It's been two months of going through these mood swings, and it's basically trial and error when it comes to figuring out what works and what doesn't. Until then, I’m basically at the mercy of my emotions. And flying by the seat of my pants for most of it. 

Overall, I need to get my shit together. I know that I won’t get to feeling better until I start working out again. It was always a great way for me to relax and sweat the day out. Running served as therapy in a way too. And ever since I stopped, things just kind of took a nosedive where my emotions are concerned. However, getting back to that mindset of making my physical health a priority is what’s been the most challenging. So, I guess for the month of May I want to keep everything relatively the same. My only goal will be to start making an effort to head to the gym. Or at the very least go out for a run. Minimum of twice a week. So, here's to the end of this month and the start of a fresh one. 

Weight Loss - Weigh In - March 2019

This month went by pretty quickly. I’ve been in a bit of a funk lately too. Or at least I was. I believe it had a lot to do with my medications being adjusted, but I’m not entirely sure. Then I started feeling stabby and needy, but as it turns out that was just me PMSing. Phew. Still, this month was a rough one emotionally. However, I did manage to work on my eating habits and my water intake. And honestly, I think the weight loss pills helped out A LOT in those areas. Even when I took a whole week off, I felt like I still made good food choices, and drank plenty of water. Now, whether this will continue long term, I have yet to find out. What I do know is that I start my second month supply next week. For now, let me just go over my progress for March. 

Starting Weight (SW): 189 lbs
Current Weight (CW): 183.4 lbs
Goal Weight (GW): 160 lbs

When it comes to food I’ve stuck with fruits, yogurts, and veggies mainly. Whole wheat bread, white rice, chicken breasts, and fish. There have been times when I’ve had cravings and I went along with them because I wanted to indulge. But only a little. I portioned things out, and I always did my best to not overeat. When I’m full, I’m full. I also increased my daily water intake between 64-76 oz per day. On the weekends it’s slightly less. But not by much. I keep a water bottle in my car, at work, and at home at all times. So, this helped keep me from getting tea or soda when I was out and about. Not that I drink much soda these days anyway. So, I would say that I’m feeling pretty good in the “diet” department. When I was first told about the weight loss pills I was a bit skeptical. I was told that I would have a lot of energy and that I would want to be up and moving around. However, just like with everything else out there, my body didn’t react in that way. Instead, the pills made me really thirsty. And water was the only thing I craved. They did help with curbing my cravings, and I feel that they helped me become more disciplined when it came to not overeating. So, this was definitely a great benefit.

The fitness area is where I've had a lot of trouble lately. I didn’t work out much this month. Like, hardly at all. I really wanted to start heading to the gym and getting workouts in at the beginning of March. I felt really motivated at first, but then I hit a funk. A slump. I didn’t want to leave the house. Beau was picking Emery up and bringing her back at random times so I never had a set schedule or time slot that I could dedicate to going to the gym. But as of last week, I did start building up to running again. I started doing sprints, across from my house in an open field, whenever Emery is busy with her homework. And this week I finally asked Beau to help me come up with a consistent schedule that worked for both of us. The custody agreement we have serves as more of a guide than anything else because of Emery's schedule so we don’t really go by it. However, I think it would be best if we worked on establishing a better routine. I’m currently working on a shared calendar to help iron things out a  bit. I’m hoping that once this is in place I’ll be able to carve out a time slot to workout. Fingers crossed!  

Mentally, things have been a bit rocky but okay. Since my medication was increased last month it’s been interesting trying to pinpoint the best time to take them. If I take them too early then I’m wanting to be in bed by 7pm, and well that’s not possible. If I take them too late then it’s hell waking up in the morning. So far, I’ve narrowed the window down to between 7:30-8:30pm. Still, there are some days when even that time slot fails me. BUT the increase in my medication has allowed me to feel much better during the day. While I was in the midst of this “funk” of mine I honestly don’t think I would have gotten out of bed if I wasn’t taking something. There were days when I didn’t want to see anyone, or leave my house. But I would tell myself that I had to do something. Even if it was something small. I had to get my ass up and move. And I did. I think this is what helped me work through what I needed to in order to feel better. So, I feel like things are good.  

Overall, I think I did pretty well. I know that I didn’t achieve both of my goals for this month, but I think I got a solid handle on the dieting goal I had set for myself. And I’m down ten pounds since my doctor’s visit in February! I’d say that the changes paired with the pills have been working the way that they are meant to. Again, these pills are just tools though. I did take a week off from them to see if I could keep up with the same routine. I wanted to make sure that even without them I still drank plenty of water, went for more walks, and stuck with my diet. So far, so good. Which brings me to my goal for April: working out three to four times a week. On the days that Beau has Emery, I’m wanting to dedicated at least one hour of that time to a gym session or at the very least going for a run. No excuses. This week I started building up to one mile runs again, and I’d like to increase my distance by the end of the month. However, my first priority is to just get back into working out consistently. If I can reach 175 lbs on the scale by the end of this next month I'll be pretty stoked. But honestly, right now I'll be happy with just making it to 179 and breaking through that 180 lb wall that I've been at for so long. So here’s to April, y'all! To longer days, more sunshine, and hopefully some much-needed motivation!

Weight Loss - Weigh In - February 2019

Well, this post should have been up last week but I spaced on it. Sorry! On the bright side, this means that you’ll get TWO weight updates this month. Yay! I ended up being a bit busier than I thought I would be for February. And I honestly can’t believe we’re already in March. I wish I could say that February was a month that saw a lot of productivity on my part but it really wasn’t. In fact, there was a lot of wallowing. But we’ll get to that in another post. I did end up having my follow up with the doctor, and found out that there had been no progress in the weight loss department. Now, I told her that I hadn’t really been working out but she still insisted that there should have been a bit of a drop if my thyroid issues were getting better. Instead, I was going up. And as of that day I was technically considered obese. So, we looked over some options and I made up my mind to take some weight loss pills out for a trial run. Now, these are not a miracle pill. They are meant to be used as a tool. And honestly, I feel that they should be used as a last resort. My doctor and I discussed taking them for two months, max, and then seeing if they’d helped me lose any weight. If they had, then I would stop taking them and start trying to keep the progress going on my own. If they didn’t help me at all then I would still stop taking them, and we’d look at possibly changing up my antidepressants. What I currently take is working really well however, one of the side effects of this particular medication is weight gain. Which really sucks. Now, I’ve only been taking this weight loss pill for two weeks. There has been little to no exercise, but I plan on changing that this month. My dad has asked that we start going back to the gym regularly so we actually start back up today (3/4). And just an FYI, the stats below were taken on Monday 2/25. So without taking up too much more of your time, here’s the progress post for February.  

Starting Weight (SW): 189 lbs
Current Weight (CW): 188 lbs
Goal Weight (GW): 160 lbs

For the most part, my diet has been consistent. Breakfast usually includes coffee with yogurt or a smoothie with trail mix. I’m eating mostly vegetables & lean meats for lunch. And dinner is usually whatever I decide to cook or grab on the way home. Though I always portion it out. There have been a few days where I’ve not stuck with it 100%, but I’d say that I do pretty damn well the majority of the time. I’ve also taken out sodas and only have sweet tea if we go out to eat somewhere. I’ve upped my water intake to anywhere between 54-64 ounces per day during the work week. On the weekends I’ve made it a point to not keep track.  

On the fitness front, things have not been great. At all. I honestly have no idea where my motivation has gone but it sure as hell isn’t here. I’ve struggled with getting out in the cold in the afternoons too. And by the time I get home, it’s usually dark out, so the last thing I want to do is go out for a gym session. I’m actually really looking forward to Daylight Savings Time kicking in next month. I’m hoping with more daylight in the afternoons it will help give me that extra push to leave the house.

Mentally, I feel good. There have been days since I started taking medication last year that I’ve felt really down or emotional. But for the most part, I feel content. I feel like I think more rationally, and I’m able to talk myself off of the ledge before going into a full blown anxiety attack. Those have become less frequent too. I feel like I’m more in control of myself, and how I react to people and situations. I still get sad and cry. I still have days when I feel like things are really hard. But instead of it lasting for weeks at a time it’s usually just a few days. I feel like the medicine I’m on still allows me to feel all of the things but without letting me go into an emotional overload if that makes sense? 

Overall, I’d say that I’m getting better with my food choices and mentally I’m in a good place. Since starting the weight loss pills there has actually been some movement on the scale. January had me sitting at 191, and when I weighed in at the doctor's office I was at 192. This month I'm down to 188, and that's without working out. Just diet changes. So now, if I can just find the motivation to get back to working out consistently, I think things will start to improve even more. Which brings me to my goals for the month of March. The first goal is to workout at least 3x a week for a minimum of 30 minutes. If I can increase the days or even the time that would be great, but for now I really want to focus on that particular goal. The second goal is to maintain my current diet, if not improve on it some more. Because there's always room for improvement. So, that's about it for now. Here's to March! To more sunshine in our days, and hopefully, the kick in the ass that I need.  

Weight Loss - Weigh In - January 2019

Working out has not been my top priority lately. I always say that my second job starts as soon as I get off from my normal 8-5. Only recently, it's felt more like I have three jobs. So, my main concern was to start eating healthier. Take my supplements, apply my creams, finish my medication plan, and stay on top of my vitamins.  Those have been the goals. So far, I'd say I've done pretty well! I've started eating more veggies and I try not to indulge so much. Though sometimes you just need some fuckin' chocolate, am I right? Unfortunately, even with these changes, I haven't seen any progress in the weight department. And, I'm just taking a wild guess, but I'm going to say it's from lack of consistent exercise. 

Starting Weight (SW): 189 lbs
Current Weight (CW): 191 lbs
Goal Weight (GW): 160 lbs

I've switched over to mainly veggies during the week. My main liquids are water, and coffee. Sodas have been cut out completely and sweet tea only comes in if I go out to eat on the weekends. I've enjoyed some pastas, or pizza for dinner at home but I limit how much I eat. I've been doing this all through January so I was definitely surprised when I got on the scale this morning and learned that my weight had gone up. Not sure if this is a sign that my thyroid isn't getting any better or if dieting alone is just not something that will work for me.

Which brings us to my fitness level. I make it to the gym about once or twice a week. Which puts me way behind on where I wanted to be by now. I know that I need to step it up but life has been really busy lately. It's an excuse, I know. Which is why I've sat down with my planner and started jotting down when I need to fit in a gym session or run. Whether it's during my daughter's dance lessons, right after work, or laps around our block while she's doing homework. I need to create a plan and stick with it. I need to make it a priority again. If I don't see any results after all of this then I need to go address this with my doctor again. We've already decided that I'll be going back for blood work at the end of March. And I'd like to have a good two months of these changes under my belt before looking into other options.

Mentally, I've been feeling pretty good. There's no longer this doom and gloom throughout my day. My anxiety has been cut in half, and I've actually been able to go weeks without one of my medications. Don't worry, I didn't go against the doctor's orders, I'm actually supposed to be doing this. And at the beginning of March I'll start the process of being weaned off of all my prescription meds if everything goes as planned. If that doesn't happen though I'm okay with that too. The goal is to switch over to more natural supplements for the long term, but I'm not going to rush the process.

So, based on the recent numbers it's as if I'm starting all over again because I'm actually heavier than when I first started this monthly weigh-in last year. I'm pretty bummed about it, but I'm also hoping that things are slowly getting back into balance internally so that I can shed the weight once I put in the effort. However, mentally I feel like I'm in such a much better place. This brings me to my goals for February. The first is to log five miles per week. I want to have one day designated to 45 minutes of cardio at the gym and then another day dedicated to 30 minutes of weight lifting. Each week. So, here we go, y'all! Let's see if I can kick it into gear, and finally start seeing some progress. 

Weight Loss - Weigh In - November 2018

Well, for November I finally received some answers in regards to my health & weight. And as it turns out there were quite a few things going on. The culprits: Free T3 (thyroid), testosterone (hormones), and vitamin D (self explanatory). The first two were very low, and my vitamin D was depleted. The combination of all three issues were causing me to gain weight, have very little energy, experience constant fatigue, and have a very low sex drive. All of these symptoms were also causing my depression and anxiety to worsen. Which is why I probably couldn’t keep my shit together with my normal coping techniques. And this is just the tip of the iceberg, y’all. I’m actually really glad that I went in and had my blood work done. Finally hearing that there was a reason why all of my hard work wasn’t paying off, and that it wasn’t something that I was doing wrong made me feel a lot better. It had nothing to do with my efforts. Or “not wanting it bad enough”. So now I begin the process of trying to get everything to balance back out.

Starting Weight (SW): 189 lbs
Current Weight (CW): 189.4 lbs
Goal Weight (GW): 160 lbs

I haven’t started back up on my diet just yet. I did, however, start to cut back on several things. With the exception of those four days during Thanksgiving break, I’ve actually been doing really well with portion control. My goal for the first week of December is to cut back down on my caffeine intake, and I’m wanting to incorporate more veggies into my daily diet.

As for fitness, well….I ran once this entire month. I went to the gym once too. I’m currently working on a schedule for December, and I’m hoping I can stick with it. However, December is usually a busy one for us so we shall see. I'm confident that I'll be more active than I have been the past few months though. That's the fitness goal I've set for myself. 

Mentally, I am doing so much better. I posted about being put on medication, and how I was feeling a few weeks ago. Since then it’s only gotten better. It’s as if I was in this fog, and it’s finally lifted. Now, I just need to work on my motivation. Because I’ll be honest, since the days have been getting darker earlier, it’s been hard to mentally push myself into doing much of anything.

Overall, I’m feeling really good about getting back on the path to happy & healthy. There are several things I want to work on like: running at least three times a week, cutting out junk food, lowering caffeine intake, and getting all of my issues back on track. I know that December isn’t going to be an easy month, but I do feel strong enough to handle it. I feel strong enough to push through and get back into a consistent routine. So, I’m actually looking forward to it.

Weight Loss - Weigh In - October 2018

October, in general, has been a pretty decent month. Work has picked up which is good. Emery has done really well in both gymnastics and dance. I had a “proud mom” moment at both lessons last week when I was told that she was advancing really quickly at both! She’s been really excited about her progress lately, and even though I tell her she’s doing a great job it means that much more for her to hear it coming from her teachers. I totally get it. So, she’s been having a blast! I will say that the only downside was an unfortunate incident involving our car and a deer last week. And while the damage seemed relatively small it turns out that the “internal structure” was compromised. This means that the insurance company could consider it a total loss. And with how much is owed versus the worth of the car...we could be looking at some trouble. But, since I can’t do much about the situation other than wait to hear what they say, I’m trying not to worry about it too much. Now, in the weight loss department, October has been total crap. Not even going to lie. I felt really defeated after my last weigh in, and I was pretty angry too. I felt like I had been working really hard, and putting in so much damn effort that was getting me nowhere. So, what did I do? I sabotaged. And you’ll definitely see that in the stats below. I won’t be posting “progress” pictures as there was no “progress”.

Starting Weight (SW): 189 lbs
Current Weight (CW): 186.2 lbs
Goal Weight (GW): 160 lbs

My nails were horrible and I was not about to subject y'all to that view

Since, I was frustrated with the lack of progress I ate like crap the first two weeks of October. I’m talking cake for breakfast, pizzas, cheeseburgers, fried chicken, sodas, chips/cookies, and copious amounts of chocolate whenever the hell I felt like it. I didn’t give a fuck. If I was hungry, I was going to eat, and I didn’t care that I was making bad food choices. However, I could totally feel the difference in my body the entire time. My skin was oily, I broke out, I had a lot of headaches, and I felt bloated 24/7. Then I got sick with a cold and crap did it last forever. Seven days actually. It took a lot out of me, and I have a feeling that it wouldn’t have been so bad if I had been eating better. Instead I felt sluggish, and tired no matter how much rest I got. My water intake also suffered. I went down to 2-4 cups per day, and I started drinking sweet tea again. I threw in some soda for good measure too. My caffeine intake also went back up in both coffee, and energy drinks. So, all around it was just bad.

My activity level tanked as well. Big time. I went to the gym about four times  (total) this whole month. Yup, that bad. I had no motivation whatsoever, and my hips were giving me some grief so I easily used that as an excuse. My workouts were half-assed, and I didn’t care either. It wasn’t until last week that I decided it was time to back into the gym. It took a lot of work to get me to walk through those doors though. I only went two days instead of my normal four to five, but once I made myself go I started to feel better. That first mile run after going without for so long felt pretty damn amazing too. I was slow, but my body felt like it was buzzing afterwards. It was tired, and sore in the best way possible. So, here’s hoping that this week I can get back to my normal workout schedule again. I want November to be better.

Mentally, things are have been just, blah. It’s kind of hard to explain what I’ve been feeling lately too. Words are just...not quiet enough? It’s like being anxious, but not too anxious. Being tired, but not too tired. Stressing out, but not so much that my anxiety is taking over. Feeling down, but not really depressed. Waking up sad, and having to push through it. Kind of numb to a lot of things, but not so much that I haven’t been happy too. And it’s this jumbled mess of emotions that seem to all hit at the same damn time too. So, I finally made an appointment for this month to go get some blood work done, and to talk to my doctor about what all has been going on. Symptoms, feelings, my cycle, the whole shebang. I know that I want to work on not having to take medications in order to balance myself out, but until I figure out what all is going on with my body (as well as a solution for it) I know that I need some help right now. So, I plan on getting it.

Overall, October was not my month in the weight loss area. That’s okay though. I’m not going to beat myself up over it. I’m going to try a different work out schedule going into November in order to mix things up. As of today I’m back to healthy eating choices. Well, mostly-- I did get a few pieces of chocolate candy this morning. I grabbed Lean Cuisine meals for lunch this week in order to help me make the shift back to salads and lean meats going forward. I can’t just go all or nothing in this department so I use things to help me transition. I also opted for protein bars for when I get hungry, and want to snack. My water intake today wasn’t bad either, but I want to get back to 10-12 cups per day. Now, the entire time I was sabotaging my diet and exercise plan I knew in my mind that it was just going to be a setback. And I still did it. I think that it was mostly done out of frustration. I had this whole, “Well if nothing seems to be fucking working why the hell am I doing this?!” mentality going on. Looking back on how I went about it I know that there needs to be a change in that area. Even if there’s no movement on the scale I need to focus on how eating better makes me feel better. So, my goals for November are to get back to working out 4-5 times a week, increase water intake to 8 cups per day, and to drop a minimum of four pounds. Here's to a new month, huh? Here's to reaching the goals I've set for myself. 

Weight Loss - Weigh In - September 2018

September has been a month of adjustments. The little started having homework in the afternoons, and also having reading assignments which she doesn’t always want to stay on top of. We also had to change her pickup schedule because of new rules that the school has in place. I’m not even mad because it’s for their safety. I’ve been trying to work as many hours as I can this month because October is bringing in some added expenses. Em will be having a palatal expander put in her mouth soon, and since we don’t have insurance (much less a dental plan) everything is going to be out of pocket. Such is life though, right? Thankfully, we’ve had help. Without it I wouldn’t be putting in 40 hours per week at work, or able to get Emery to her afternoon lessons on time. I’ve still managed to stick with a workout schedule, but as you’ll see in this month’s stats below it just hasn’t done much for me.

Starting Weight (SW): 189 lbs
Current Weight (CW): 184.6 lbs
Goal Weight (GW): 160 lbs

This was the last month of me doing intermittent fasting. It just hasn’t worked for me anymore. The first few months I felt great, and lost about 5 lbs in two weeks. But it’s been several months now with no progress whatsoever. I had cut back on a lot of foods, and only indulged on one meal per week. Usually it landed on a Saturday or when we had a meal with my family during the week. However, I didn’t go overboard. I always portioned food out, and made sure to drink a minimum of six cups of water per day. I don’t drink sweet tea unless it’s with the cheat meal. Unfortunately, it doesn’t look like any of this is working in my favor. So this week I started incorporating a snack in between coffee for breakfast, and lunch at 12. Starting next Monday I’ll be back to a regular eating schedule that will go something like: Breakfast- Coffee & breakfast bar/yogurt, Lunch- Salad & Fruit, Dinner- Small portion meal or protein shake with fruits & veggies. I’m hoping that this will help me stay full throughout the day so that I don’t have an urge to snack. I’m also wanting to increase my water intake to a minimum of eight cups per day.

My activity level has been consistent. I work out for forty five minutes to an hour 4x’s a week. Sometimes five. I mix it up with cardio and weight lifting, and every week the order changes so that my body doesn’t get used to it. My goal is to leave the gym drenched in sweat at the end of each session. For the most part I achieve this unless its on a day when I just focus on weight lifting. I’ve been able to increase how much I press, and squat by ten pounds this month so I was pretty stoked on that. Still, since the last weigh in I haven’t even lost a full pound. This has been super discouraging, and has left me feeling really fucking frustrated. Because of this I’ve been making it a point to immediately change into my workout clothes as soon as I get home in order to make myself go to the gym. I’ve found that this method helps me to stay on track rather than make excuses. Do you know how hard it is to get in and out of a sports bra when you’re my size? There’s no way I’m putting in that much effort and NOT getting in a workout. This routine has been really helpful on days when I just want to throw in the towel. For the month of October I want to focus on deadlifts, increasing my mileage, and to start using the actual flat bench press rather than the assisted one.

Mentally, I’ve been all over the place which I feel is working against me. My stress level is about the same, but for some reason my anxiety feels a lot worse. And it’s not consistent anymore either. Before there were signs, or little tells. My anxiety would come in waves, but I was able to keep myself from having an anxiety attack. Or at the very least keep it to a minimum. Recently it’s all been surfacing pretty randomly, and without warning. It’s as if I feel fine one minute, and the next thing I know I’m freaking out. Some days I don’t want to get out of bed, or interact with others either. I make myself because I know that a lot of this is just a mental thing. But recently it’s been a struggle to calm myself down when I start to feel the anxiety coming on. And sometimes I have a hard time remembering that everything will be okay; that the panic will dissipate. So, it’s because of this that I’ve been thinking about scheduling a doctor’s visit in the next week or so. It’s been a little over two years since the last time I was put on medication. And like I stated in my CBD oil review I’d really like to find an alternative to antidepressants & anxiety medication. But since I live in Texas, where the majority of these alternatives are considered illegal, I feel like I should talk to my doctor about getting back on my “three month” plan to help balance me out again. After the three months, I’m weaned off, and I usually feel about 80% better. Like I'm regaining some mental stability, if you will? And right now I feel like that’s something that I really need.

Overall, September was a very discouraging month in the weight loss department. When I stepped on the scale yesterday morning and saw that there was no movement I sat on my bathroom floor crying. I know I said that I’d be okay with the slow progress, but I’ll be honest with y’all-- this totally sucks. To spend a whole month busting my ass, giving it 100%, and to come up with nothing? It definitely brings on some deep feelings of failure. Of hopelessness. On a positive note though I was able to stop taking sleep aids. And since I’ve started doing cardio consistently I feel like I sleep better too. My bedtime is between 10-11 pm, and I only wake up about twice throughout the night. With the exception of one night when I didn’t go to bed until 3:45 AM due to severe anxiety I feel like I can claim this one as a win. So, that’s about it for September. My goals for October are to drop five pounds, increase mileage, and to start working on different weight lifting techniques. I'm trying my best to stay focused on what I've accomplished so far too. Technically, since April of this year my total weight loss has been 10 lbs which is better than nothing. I'm trying to stay motivated, and train myself to keep pushing through. Even on the hard days. And I'm optimistic for everything that will come in October. So here’s to the next month, y’all!

Weight Loss - Weigh In - August 2018

Hey Everyone! Can you believe tomorrow will be the first of September?! We've had a pretty great start to the school year over here, and we're finally narrowing down a pickup schedule for the little. Next week her after school activities start up, and she's ready to go. Because of this I'm having to rearrange my workout schedule, and shift things around. Still, I'm committed to sticking with this, and if it means having to do a late night workout once or twice a week then so be it. No excuses anymore. Now, let's jump right into my end of the month stats shall we? 

Starting Weight (SW): 189 lbs
Current Weight (CW): 184.8 lbs
Goal Weight (GW): 160 lbs

I've modified my approach to intermittent fasting, yet again. At first I was seeing some great results in regards to decrease in sugar cravings, and not getting as hungry during the day as I used to. So, I thought that intermittent fasting was starting to work for me. However, after a month of this I started to notice that I was constantly swelling after my workouts during the five days that I would fast. My hands, my feet, and sometimes my face. And even though at first I felt like my mind was clearer and more focused it soon felt like I was constantly zoning out. I felt a bit sluggish, and always wanted to take a nap. Even after having coffee. So, this week I switched it up to 3 days on/1 day off, and my fasting window has shifted (9 pm-11 am). I'm still eating mainly fruits and veggies during the day. My coffee intake has gone down to one cup every other day. This has been rough. My water intake has increased to 10 cups per day, and I'm slowly cutting back on how much sweet tea I allow myself to have.

My activity level has stayed about the same. I make sure to workout for 45 minutes at least five times a week. I've been alternating between the gym, and track sessions. My upper body strength is in need of a lot of work, and I hope that I can make some progress in that area this month. I've been able to increase my lifting weight so I'm pleased with that. When it comes to running I've been having a harder time though. I get tired really easily, and my shin splints have been really bothering me lately. Taping is a must when I go running or use the elliptical. Which means it's definitely time for new running shoes. I did try to do kickboxing at the beginning of this month, but during the class I almost passed out. I lost all color, my mouth was white, and my heart rate went down. It happened right during the middle of the class, and someone there who works as an EMS for the city checked me out (vitals and all). Now, I haven't gone to the doctor, but all of these symptoms remind me of when I became anemic several years ago. It seems to kick in or get out of balance when I become overweight. So, I've started taking vitamins with iron, and drinking water with nuun tabs. Here's hoping that this helps fix the issue. Otherwise I'll be having to pay a visit to my doctor soon. Next week I'll be attempting the class again because I really do enjoy it so fingers crossed I'm able to make it through with no issues. Overall, there's been a little bit of progress in the fitness area so I'm not too down about that. 

One of the major things I do want to focus on this month is my stress level. As I mentioned last month I started taking CBD oil to see if it would help. We're getting down to the last few servings, and I've got some mixed feelings about it. Recently, my dad said "Raquel, I see how hard you're working. Why does there seem to be no change? Even if you weren't eating that great, you should still be losing something." We talked about what all I was doing, and went over my meal logs. And he's right, there should be more change than what I'm seeing. Once we looked everything over he told me that I seemed really stressed and tense all of the time which might be causing more harm. So, I did a little digging online, and now I'm pretty much convinced that stress/anxiety/depression have all played major factors in not seeing much of a scale change. My sleep has also been all over the place lately. I've been trying to limit my consumption of over the counter sleep-aids during the week, but on the nights that I do get 6+ hours of sleep it's almost always because I've taken one. The plan for now is to take this 3-day Labor Day weekend to try and "detox" off of them. Apparently, it doesn't matter how hard you work if you're constantly stressing and getting very little sleep.

So, those are technically my only two goals for this upcoming month. It's been more than frustrating though. There are days when I just want to give up. "FUCK IT" I think to myself. What's the point of sticking with it when you only lose 2 lbs a month (at most)? What's the point if I yo-yo between those few pounds? But then I take a step back, and no matter how sorry I feel for myself or how much I don't want to keep going I still put on my workout gear. I head out, and push through. Someday's I don't give it my all. Some days I give 110%. The important thing to me is that I at least get out there. Even on days when I'm feeling depressed. So, If I can lose some weight this next month while in the process of getting my anxiety/sleep under control that would be great. If not, I'll still consider improvement in those areas a win. Here's to September, y'all! 

Weight Loss - Weigh In - July 2018

So, back in June I talked a little about my feelings in regards to my weight. And a bit on body positivity. I’ve done a little bit of “research” lately to kind of try, and pinpoint what my “issues” are. Because I wish I could say that things have gotten better, but they haven't. And before we get too into this let me just say that I’m not anorexic or bulimic. I don’t binge eat either. But I do feel like I have a slight combination of body dysmorphia and disordered eating. Not on the extreme spectrum where I feel like I constantly look in the mirror at all of my flaws. But more on the, no matter how hard I work I’m not happy with how I look. So, I avoid going out and I hate my picture being taken. On the disordered eating side of things I’m still having a hard time not associating food with exercise. I often get anxiety over this too. For example: If I eat a whole candy bar, that’s not on my cheat day, as soon as I’m done I start thinking about how much extra time I have to add to my workout in order to burn those extra calories. Now the reason why I don’t think it’s THAT bad is because some days I go through with adding the extra time, and others I just say “fuck it” and don’t even worry about it. That's a win, right? Still, it’s taken some time to get my mind to not go there as often as it did before. And it’s taken some work to counter the negative thoughts with more positive ones.

Now, here’s why it can get frustrating for me. Three weeks ago I started to decrease my coffee/caffeine intake. I also started to drink a minimum of eight cups of water per day. Then the next two weeks I started a workout schedule of 30-60 minutes a day for a minimum of four days a week. I continued with intermittent fasting (5 days on/two days off), and incorporated more fruits/veggies with every meal. On days when I would allow myself to indulge (once a week) I would only choose one item. So for instance, if I wanted to eat at Burger King, I would only allow myself to have a burger. No fries. Or if I wanted a candy bar I would split it in two, and give someone else the other half. This allowed me to feel like I wasn’t depriving myself of anything. And while I felt great about what I was putting into my body, and how I felt after my workouts the scale did not budge. That’s right, after two weeks of putting in some hard work the scale read the exact same. And technically, it went up a pound the first week & then dropped back down a pound by this morning when I weighed myself. Which logged me in at the exact same weight I had been sitting at three weeks ago. Do you see how discouraging that is for me?

I know that this could be me losing inches, and gaining muscle. I know that this could be water weight. I know that this could just be my body’s way of telling me that I need to switch some things up. But it’s hard to keep a positive attitude when you look at all of the hard work that you put into something, and then have no visual progress. It’s down right maddening! And for about an hour after that last weigh-in I almost gave up. I almost told myself to quit because it doesn’t feel worth it to give up a lot of the stuff you like; only to have no weight loss. But I had to talk myself down from that ledge. I had to remind myself that I was working on fueling myself with better foods rather than sugar and caffeine. I told myself I needed to look at non-scale victories before throwing in the towel. That if I just stuck with this, eventually, the changes would come. 

So, I’ve decided to start a monthly log-in here on my blog. Starting with today. At the end of each month I’ll write a bit about how I’m feeling, what my current weight is, a current photograph, some non-scale related progress, and any changes that I’ve noticed. If any at all. I feel like this will be a great way for me to stay focused. To stay accountable. And to help me keep a positive attitude. Now, they won't normally be this long. I'm sorry.  But here goes: 

Starting Weight (SW): 189 lbs 

Current Weight (CW): 189 lbs

Goal Weight (GW): 160 lbs

I'm down to one cup of coffee per day during the work week. My cutoff time for my caffeine consumption is 2 pm. I've also been aiming to be in bed by 9 pm every night, and asleep by 10 pm. Right now my average fall asleep time is between 10:30-11 pm. Last week I started taking some CBD oil to help with my anxiety, and sleep schedule. I plan on reviewing it later. I feel like both of those are contributing to my lack of weight loss. I hope this oil helps with decreasing my stress, and allowing me to get some consistent sleep. Right now I average 5 - 6 hours off/on. This afternoon will be my first day to incorporate a kickboxing class into my weekly workouts since the last time I attempted it a few years ago. I'm excited, and a little nervous. I have bladder issues, and I'm hoping I don't have to stop too many times during the class in order to not pee my pants. Thank you, childbirth. I've been able to run more laps, and my pace has improved by about 30 seconds. Shin splints are still flaring up, but I now tape as well as take Tylenol when they start to hurt. Overall though, I'm feeling a bit discouraged due to lack of scale movement in the past two weeks. I'm trying to keep a positive attitude though.

Weight Gain & Working On Body Positivity

I keep seeing a lot of posts with phrases like “A new month means a fresh start!” Or “A new month is just another chance to set some goals and smash them!” And man do I wish I had that kind of enthusiasm. Instead, I’m over here like, “Okay, Susan, we get it. You wake up before the sun to work out, and you look fabulous. MOVE ALONG.” Currently I’m sitting in my living room eating a chocolate chunk cookie not really wanting to do much of anything. So, do with that what you will. Still, as I sit here I kind of wish I were one of “those people”. You know, the ones who have all of their shit together? The ones who wake up at 4 am to work out, have breakfast ready by 6 am, and look so perfect you’d think they were photoshopped as they drive through early morning drop off at 7:45 am. With kids who look just as equally put together. A coffee cup in hand, and a smile beaming as they wave at you. Ugh, that hurt my face just thinking about it. Alas, I am NOT one of those people. Instead, you get this:

That’s right. Take it all in. You’re welcome.

It seems like ages, but just two years ago I was down 45 lbs. My clothes fit well, and even though I wasn’t at my goal weight I felt good about myself. I liked the way that I looked which I thought was important, because I can honestly say that I hadn't felt that way about my body in a long ass time. However, that weight loss was just a by product of not eating and dealing with a lot of anxiety as well as depression. So, mentally, I was not in a good place. I had lost the majority of my weight in about three months, and any healthcare professional will tell you that losing weight that quickly isn’t the healthiest thing for anyone. But I maintained this weight for a good year with those unhealthy habits not really seeing anything wrong with it. Then at the beginning of 2017, as things began to slowly even out, I became pretty complacent with where I was at. Life was back to normal, and I was good with that. Fast forward to the end of last year when I was completely off all medications, going through some rough times yet again, and instead of suffering from anxiety I was dealing with stress. And unlike some people who use stress to push themselves, and motivate them to do better I tend to eat. Correction: I tend to eat a lot. And even though I was still working out 4x a week the number on the scale kept climbing. 

Which brings us to today. We’re six months into 2018 and I’m back up to my heaviest weight. I struggle with food on the daily, and with working out consistently. Even after a month of eating nothing but salad, and grilled chicken the weight kept piling on. I struggle with getting up in the mornings, and getting a full night's sleep. Though that’s been an issue since becoming a mom so I’m not sure I can blame it on this? I don’t feel like putting on makeup or really making any kind of effort when it comes to my appearance anymore either. The weird part is that I know this, but do nothing about it. I’ve started to feel really uncomfortable in my own skin, and I feel like that has a lot to do with me not wanting to leave my house. From the moment I wake up, everything feels tight and I really hate it. I’m not just talking about my clothes either. Lately my body constantly feels bloated, and stretched to maximum capacity. Right down to my toes, y'all, and it’s miserable! Because of this I’ve resorted to only wearing jeans, and an oversized t-shirt in public because they’re the only things I feel comfortable wearing. Even in 102 degree weather. At home the “go-to” outfit is stretchy yoga pants, and an oversized t-shirt. Do you guys see a pattern here? I feel like I constantly look like I just rolled out of bed. And not in the cute sexy way all of those movies and authors portray the female leads as. More like in the “What the fuck happened to you? Are you okay?” kind of way.

And it’s not just my appearance that has suffered. Recently my shin splints flared up. Mine are permanent as I’ve had them since I was a teenager & they never went away. Yes, it's weird. Most of the time they’re fine, and I have no issues. They're just a small little squishy bump on each of my shins that would make my legs feel sore from time to time. But back in March I went for a run, and after about half a mile I started to have shooting pain going up both of my legs. The next day I found that I could barely walk, much less run, without it feeling like someone was taking a hot poker to my legs. So, after talking to some seasoned runners as well as a nurse in training I was told to stop running for at least six weeks. I needed to ice my legs at night, and take Tylenol until they "went away". Which I did. But now, as I’ve started to get back into it, I find it really hard to finish a single mile. And that’s after a month of consistently running 3x a week. It has nothing to do with leg pain either, as my shin splints are back to normal. But I’m not making any progress in mileage like I should be. It doesn’t matter how much I try I still can’t push passed 1.75 miles. It’s like a mental wall goes up, my lungs start to burn, and then my legs give out. This has never been an issue for me before. Even when I took a year off from running, when I got back to it, I was doing 2 miles pretty easily after two weeks. At a much faster pace than what I’m at now too. So, I'm not sure what's going on, but it's definitely putting a funk in my running motivation. And needless to say, but I'm gunna anyway, it's been a bit of a set back for me.

So, now comes the real question: What do I plan to do about all of this? Well, fuck if I know. In May I had started doing intermittent fasting. I’d do this during the week, and eat normal on weekends. I stuck with it for three weeks, and I felt better. I was sleeping a bit more. I wasn’t feeling as hungry, or having cravings. And in those three weeks I lost 8 pounds. But then, on our three day weekend, I sabotaged like a motherfucker. I’m not even going to sugar coat it. I had pizza, cheeseburgers, chocolate, french fries, soda, and coffee WITH cream AND sugar. On all three days. And that’s when it all went down hill for the next two weeks. Since then, it’s been a bit of a struggle to get back on the wagon. I’m still running, but there’s no real progress in that. I’ve started to make a few plans in regards to a workout schedule, but I haven’t had a lot of motivation to move forward with them. Partially because I feel like I have no energy, and another part because I just feel flat out lazy. Even right now I feel like I could really go for a nap. I’ve been told to have my thyroid checked, but I’ve already done that. In fact, I do it every year at my yearly doctor appointment. Everything always comes back fine. And recently, I’ve been thinking about being put back on my anti-anxiety medication as well as antidepressants. But that will be a discussion for another time. I’ve also considered going to a weight loss doctor that several people have sworn by that’s here locally. Just to explore my options, and to see if there isn’t something else I can do to help kick start my weight loss. Because I know I can get back to a healthy weight again. I know it's possible. I just have to figure out what to do about it. I have to figure out a way to find that drive again.

This one is hard for me to look at...

However, until that happens, the main thing I’m trying to work on is having a better relationship with food, and exercise. Because in all honesty, I look at food as punishment. “Well shit, I ate the cookie now I have to go run two miles AND do a weight session.”  On the other end of the spectrum I’d tell myself “If you eat that it’s going straight to your muffin top, and then you’ll have to work out an extra thirty minutes.” I view food as something bad rather than as a source of fuel for my body. And I guess this attitude comes from being constantly told as I was growing up that if I ate too much I'd end up being fat forever. Which led to self esteem issues. I never felt like I was the "right size". There was always someone else that was skinnier, and that led to my eating issues. So, I guess you could say I’m trying to work on self love too. I’m trying to be okay with how I look in whatever state that I may be in. Whether it’s at my heaviest, or at my lightest. Though it’s been a rough go so far. But what's important is that I’m trying. Because I’ve noticed that I only have this particularly harsh outlook on weight when it comes to myself. I can see other women, in various shapes/sizes, and be in total awe of how they look. Whatever their journey is I applaud them. I’m all about celebrating the differences, and instilling body positivity in others. But when it comes to my own body, well, it’s true when they say, “You’re your own worst critic.”  And I am a prime example of this. So, I feel like these are some things that I need to work on changing. I have to get my mind right before anything else can fall into place. And quite frankly, I don’t want to have that negativity swirling around in my mind as I’m trying to better myself. So here's to, hopefully, making some progress this year.