Wordless Wednesday

Throwbacks

Last week I was reminded of how I lost all of these digital pictures of myself, my family, and friends from when I was about 15-17. So, this past weekend I spent most of Saturday transferring some pictures from an old dinosaur of a laptop to the cloud. And it was such a trip. I had pictures of when I moved back home from California, my pregnancy with Emery, and thousands of others I still have to go through. The nostalgia hit hard.

I was reminded of how fast life has gone by. Sometimes it feels like I was 16 just yesterday. There was also a time when I had smoother skin and a smaller body. Not a wrinkle in sight. My daughter went from a newborn to 14 so fast too. I’m torn between missing her baby giggles and loving the relationship we have now. As I went through each album, I was able to look back on some good times and some not-so-good ones. Moments in time when I looked happy, but underneath I felt like I was drowning. I was reminded of how I spent a lot of time just surviving. Some days, it still feels that way. And yet, it's my life. It’s been my journey. And while there are things that I sometimes wish I could change, they’ve all led me to who I am today. And I’m grateful for the strength and lessons these years have given me.

Now I only made it through the years 2008 - 2011, from the the thousands of pictures I have, so that should tell you just how many I took back then. Here's a glimpse of what I found. Enjoy.

Wordless Wednesday

Vehicle Upgrade

Last week, Corey and I started talking about getting a bigger vehicle. Since we won’t be able to look into different housing options until after we file our taxes next year, we figured now would be a good time to take a credit score hit - giving us 8 months to allow some inquiries to drop off. I wanted to stick with an SUV as that’s what I’m more comfortable driving so we started looking for a Ford Explorer. We wanted third-row seating, and something slightly bigger than my Edge. Corey is big on safety features and four-wheel drive since we tend to get ice here in the winter. I also prefer a backup camera and heated seats - both my Edge has. But we agreed that we wouldn’t rush anything. My Edge is still good, so this purchase would not be a necessity. The alternative plan was to have me take his vehicle (a Ford F150) in the new year and get another smaller truck for him.

Well, after just two days of browsing, we found a vehicle. Single owner, all of the maintenance records, very well kept, and all of the features I wanted (and then some). It was also my dream vehicle! Anytime someone asks me what type of vehicle I want, I would automatically talk about this type of vehicle. "I'm on a budget, but I'd love a black-on-black Tahoe. You won't know if I'm a drug dealer or a soccer cheer mom." I’ve also joked about how I’ve always had to settle on vehicles because my dream car was always out of reach from a financial standpoint. "I drive a Ford Edge because a Chevrolet is too boujee for me & I can't afford one." No offense to any Ford or Ford Edge owners out there - my little Edge has served me well. Anyway, when we found this one and saw the price tag, it felt like it was too good to be true. 

The next day, my husband contacted the dealership and was originally told that it was sold. Several hours after that conversation they called him back and told him it was still available. He went ahead and reserved it for us to test drive, and we headed over after we got off from work. Once we got done with the test drive we asked to negotiate a price and payments. Which is the worst part of buying a vehicle if you ask me. Throughout the whole process, I kept telling myself that this wasn’t something we needed even if it was a vehicle that I really liked. There would be other vehicles and opportunities. And during negotiations, we started walking away twice. They did eventually crunch some numbers and we were able to agree on payments we were comfortable with. I still experienced anxiety and nausea as I normally do with large purchases - up to signing the paperwork. At the end of the day, we walked out of the dealership as proud owners of a Z71 Chevrolet Tahoe. It’s black-on-black with a black interior, and I LOVE it! Eeeeks!

Now, I am determined to have this one last me 10 years. It’s not new, but I’ve never needed new. I’ve always been pretty basic, and this vehicle has more than enough features. It’s comfortable, drives really well, and it fits our growing family. It’s the exact body style I wanted, and have always loved. As long as we maintain and take care of it, there’s no reason why it shouldn’t last a long time. Anyway, I'm so excited. And I'm super grateful to my husband because he's the one who stumbled on it and has offered to cut into his fishing budget so we could take on a bit extra on the payments. But most importantly, I'm thanking God. There were a lot of other things behind the scenes with not only the dealership, our old car, and our finances that allowed us to upgrade our vehicle. We wouldn't have been able to make this purchase without help and I'm grateful for that. 

In Pursuit of Wellness // August 2024

Well, my eating habits have not been great. I had originally told myself I would stick to my dietary restrictions, but that went out the window as soon as the cravings hit. And now, when I weigh myself every Monday (or Tuesday if I forget), I feel pretty terrible about myself. On one hand, I should probably stop checking the scale. On the other hand, it’s helpful to track my weight in case there is a huge jump my doctor needs to be made aware of. Double-edge sword anyone? Anyway, I’m trying to be positive, but it’s been difficult. And at the end of the day, I struggle a lot with sugar and sweets.

Current Weight (CW): 196.9 lbs

Favorite Food: Tillamook “Mudslide” Ice cream is SO delicious. And super addictive. We buy a container about once a month and it’s hard for me not to eat a cup of it every night when we have it. I know, I know. It’s terrible for me, and I need to stop.

Movement: Lately, it’s been a combination of running, walking, and weights. I head to the gym once a week. I run 2-3x a week. And I walk once a week depending on how I am feeling and of course the heat. Sometimes this looks like three or four solid days of exercise. In other weeks, there are just two. But the point is to keep moving and doing something. However, I am sometimes so tired that I don’t have much energy left to fit in a walk.

Quick Journal: Seeing the number on the scale go up has affected me - I won’t lie. I worked really hard to lose 40+ lbs and then to see that number go back up, it’s hard. Plus, I’ve always had issues with my weight. That said, I know that pregnancy comes with weight gain. And I know it’s different for everyone. But even though I tell myself this fact (constantly) I still struggle to get past it. I struggle with feeling bad about myself and my body. Especially on weigh-in days.

Overall, I am doing better though. While I have bad days regarding my weight, I still try to eat about 60% healthy/40% not-so-healthy. I still make an effort to work out, even if it’s not always consistent. And I try to keep a positive attitude. I let myself know this is a beautiful time, and I’m growing a little human inside of my body. Which I am grateful for. And in the end, I’ll be able to work hard again to drop the weight. I’ve done it once so I know I can do it again. It may be a little different, and it may take a little bit more time, but I can do it.

Wordless Wednesday

Ending the first day of high school w/frozen yogurt. ❤

Pregnancy // Why We Wanted Privacy

📷: Credit

“Why are you hiding your pregnancy?” “Why are you not announcing it?” “Aren’t you happy about this baby? Why won't you tell anyone?” These are just a few questions that have been asked. As I wrote in my last post, we requested privacy but it didn’t go as planned. Today, I wanted to shed some light on our reasons for this request. But first, let me say that we are NOT ashamed of this pregnancy. Nor are we disappointed. If you’ve been here for a while you know that a baby is something we have wanted for a few years now. We’ve prayed and begged for this blessing. So, we are beyond thrilled and excited for this new addition. And behind closed doors, we celebrate this little gift that God has sent us. Our desire for privacy and the decision to not disclose the news of my pregnancy for as long as possible came from a different place entirely.

Pregnancy // What’s Best for Us

Corey and I desired privacy about our pregnancy for as long as we could have it. We had our reasons, which I’ll go over in another post, but we agreed to share the news when we both felt ready. In the meantime, the plan was to inform our immediate family after we hit 12 weeks. Unfortunately, that didn’t happen and we ended up telling our parents and siblings much earlier. We asked that everyone keep this information private until we felt it was okay for extended family to know. While most of our family was respectful of this, our news was disclosed to several people (including strangers outside of our family) when I was 12 weeks along. This left me feeling angry, and upset. And it caused some family conflict.

Now, I know that pregnancy hormones heavily influenced my initial reaction. However, I still believe I had a valid reason to be upset. From one day to the next, it was as if our news was no longer ours to share. Instead of having ample time to process upcoming changes, it felt like we were now doing things on someone else’s timeline. This person was sharing our news while we were still trying to find answers for certain things that were happening with my body, and while we were waiting on results for our testing. To top it off, I had also been experiencing some depression due to the drastic hormone changes. This does happen to some women, especially those who have a history of depression. So, not only was I dealing with pregnancy symptoms, and my mental health, but I was also having to deal with our news being disclosed before we were ready for others to know about it. This added stress caused me to experience a good amount of anxiety for a few weeks. I stayed at home a lot. I wore compression wear anytime I went out. And if the subject of pregnancy was brought up, I would either talk around it or straight up deny being pregnant if it was asked.

Thankfully, I limited communication with the person I felt had betrayed our trust. Even if just temporarily. That break allowed me to focus on myself, my mental health, and the information that I was receiving at my appointments. I was able to rest and prioritize movement. I also focused on my home and my family. Stepping away also allowed me to avoid stressful situations with this person I didn’t feel I was ready to handle. Most importantly, I took this time to let go. I spent a lot of time praying for guidance and help to move on from what was being done. Because, in the end, I can’t stop people from going against our wishes. I can’t stop people from disregarding our requests. However, I can set boundaries and limit communication with them. I can control how I react to them, and the information I give them. And I can limit the amount of time they spend with me or my family. People don’t have to like this, and I’m sure some will think I’m being dramatic. But I intend to make decisions based on what’s best for my family, this baby, and myself.

📷: Credit

Wordless Wednesday

8/3: 92. 🎂

Feeling Stuck, Exhausted, & Grateful

Yesterday, I told myself I would write a little "Monday Motivation" post. However, as the day started, I quickly realized that it would be relatively busy with no downtime. Then, it felt like I was getting one hit right after the other. So, I didn't feel very "motivational". Instead, today, I'll be offering a few updates. 

📷: Credit

I received a call from the mortgage lender we've been working with, and due to a tax-related issue caused by a former employer, we cannot apply for a home loan right now. It will have to wait until after we file our taxes next year. While we knew that we probably wouldn't be able to purchase a house this year, we were hopeful that maybe we could start looking by the end of this year. Unfortunately, we can't even find out what our budget will be until next year. 

Now that we know we will be staying in our current rental a bit longer we've brought up some of the immediate repairs that we need to our landlord. Unfortunately, they don't want to pay to fix them right now. Instead, they'd like to do temporary/makeshift fixes. These have been their answers to every issue we've had since moving in. And guess what? They keep getting worse. And while I'm normally understanding and accepting of these solutions because everyone is struggling right now - I'd really like to have these repairs done correctly before the end of the year. However, it looks like we will have to foot the bill if we want them done. This means we now have several added expenses that we were not prepared for. 

And finally, our "merit raise" information was released last week. While I qualified for a raise this year I'm probably not going to get more than 1%. Which roughly gives me about an extra $500/year or $42/monthly paycheck. I'm a bit bummed because I really could have used a decent raise. We've got a lot of additional expenses coming up next year. But there are a lot of politics at play in our division, and things don't always favor those with lower incomes. That said, I keep telling myself, "Something is better than nothing." Still, this has had me thinking about what comes next.  

So, in the past few days, we've been delivered some setbacks. My emotional self has spent a lot of time crying over all of this and then some. I get that my hormones probably intensify everything right now. But that doesn't change the fact that it's super frustrating when you feel stuck. When you feel like nothing you do is working out. When you constantly have to be concerned about money. When you feel like for every step forward you take you're made to take three steps back. It's exhausting. But I need to look at the bright side. We are all safe, healthy, and doing well. We might not have as much as most, but we're still fortunate to have more than some. 

Slow Living // The Opposite

My “slow living” attempt has hit a bit of a snag. And it’s not for lack of trying, we just have a lot going on. It’s become very apparent to us that we need to work on some changes ASAP, and we’ve switched gears. While we still managed to have a “Summer of No Plans,” that desire to slow down our everyday lives just hasn’t come to fruition.

Corey has been working 60+ hours a week. We’ve been attempting to catch up on the bills that we got behind on at the beginning of the year. And trust me, that is hard to do. Then, we had an unexpected ER bill which we’ll have to start chipping away at this month. Thankfully, Emery’s braces are almost paid off, so we can put that extra towards other bills. And finally, we’ve concluded that we have to move. The home we are currently in has become a money pit. And it’s one repair after another. Keep in mind that we rent. So, we are in talks with a mortgage broker to establish a game plan. We can’t afford to move at this very moment, but we need to know the next steps so we can by next summer.

While Emery is out for the summer, her school still has plenty for them to do. From weekly workouts to camps. And my daughter has been attending as much as she can every week. Now, as we close in on the beginning of the school year, the cheer practices have started and so have conditioning workouts. We’re also in the middle of back-to-school shopping, and salon appointments. And it feels like we still have so much to do before that first day.

As for decluttering, well, my husband did a great job in the last round. But now with a new little member of our family coming along, I’ve already received several secondhand items and clothes that I need to sort through. It’s all gone up into the attic, but I need to sift through everything soon. While I am so appreciative of these items, I’m also dreading having to go through everything. We have some things in our living room that take up what was once open space, and I’m not going to lie, it gives me a bit of anxiety. Our living room looks small again. It feels like all of the hard work we put into decreasing visual clutter just went down the drain.

And so, I am struggling. I’m struggling to find a place for everything. I’m struggling to feel content with my home. I constantly feel overwhelmed by it. But I keep telling myself that this is just a season. We will eventually have space. We will eventually have our own home. We will eventually be able to slow down again. This current season of life will pass and things will get better. Eventually. For now, I just need to hang on.