A Small Dream
Monday, July 17, 2017
Recently, I've been really thinking about what I want to do with my life. Not just in my marriage, or in terms of school either. Though school is still back on the table. But also in what I truly enjoy out of life. Consistently. Because a degree can only take you so far. You see, I've always said that I wanted to get a degree in Business Admin., or Marketing so that I wouldn't be limited to a specific kind of work. That was the end game, a stepping stone to grow, and maybe move out of this town. See the world. The problem is that it's always felt like a "means to an end". It's like I'm choosing that particular field of study only to get better, and not because it's something I'm truly interested in. When talking about how I felt stumped or stuck the one phrase I kept hearing was "do what you love". Once that happens you start to give more. Start to enjoy more. Feel confident in what you're doing, and like you have a purpose. Doing what you love to do makes it less about working for a paycheck, and more about feeling productive and content.
Now, I always see women, and men who join companies like "It Works!", "Advocare", or "Origami Owl" (just to name a few) which are basically pyramid companies that they use to supplement their income. I'm not knocking these either so if you're a part of these don't get your feathers all ruffled. Honestly, if you can make a living doing this, and you enjoy it then more power to you honey! I actually have several friends that have joined, and I've even been asked to join up under them with the promise of earning extra money which is always tempting. The thing is that you have to sell a product, and you have to incorporate these items into basically everything (especially social media). It also usually requires a lot of enthusiasm on your part to be pushing those products ALL of the time. And I just couldn't see myself doing that. So that's why I always decline the offers to become a rep, or join a certain "family"/ brand. It's just not for me.
However, that idea of finding what I enjoy to do stuck with me. Or more like it became this nagging little thought that I just couldn't shake. The idea of finding a passion, and pursuing it was actually really appealing. So a few weeks ago, before all of my personal drama started to surface and wreak havoc, I started to really look at my life. I asked myself some questions about what I wanted to do. What were some goals that I had? Did I want to continue with my current job? Did I enjoy what I was doing? Should I scale back on my hours to create a better work/life balance? Would I rather work from home instead? Would I rather be doing something else entirely? If I had the money, or the financial backing what would I enjoy creating? Did I want to stay in my little town, or look elsewhere? What could I do to make a difference? How could I help others, and could I find a job that would allow me to do so? What in my life didn't seem like so much work, and what was the cause of most of the stress? What did I enjoy doing? What was a constant for me? And surprisingly (or not if you really think about it) some of the answers to those questions revolved around books.
I love books. I like to read them, read about them, discover new authors, and have discussions. I'm always recommending books to others, or even looking for recommendations myself. So, I came to the conclusion that I would really love to own/run my own bookstore. We live in a small town, and the only major bookstore we had was shut down about a year ago due to a a failed buyout/bankruptcy. We now have a total of two stores that sell books, and the selections as well as hours of operation are all over the place. The majority of the books are old, used, and the selection available is very limited. I would like to bring more into our community that would allow people of all ages to find something interesting. Add a wider selection, and offer something different atmosphere wise. I'd also love to use some of the proceeds each month to donate to a charity or church. When I talked to a few people about this idea I was mainly asked what the point of a bookstore would be in this day, and whether I even saw it being successful long term. I'm aware that we are in a digital age, and e-readers are really popular. However there's always a market for people who want physical copies of books, and even more so if they're affordable. I believe that kids and adults alike would enjoy a place to sit down, and open up a book. I miss having that space, and I'm sure I'm not the only one. So, that's my dream. To have my own shop. To be my own boss. To raise my daughter around books that can open up worlds to her. Whether I'll be able to do it or not, I have no idea. Right now it's just an idea. A dream. Hopefully it leads to some big things though.
Currently: July
Friday, July 14, 2017
Hello, hello! As I'm writing this I've already done about four loads of laundry. Disinfected our house, AND treated the little for lice. Yup. You read that correctly. I had hoped that we'd be spared from having to deal with lice since I took some preventative steps & it being summer there's limited contact with other kids. I normally spray Emery's hair twice a week with tea tree oil, and I keep her hair up for the most part when around other children. But I guess we were just shit out of luck though because she still got them. Thankfully, it wasn't as bad as what I originally thought it would be. So, now I'm writing this in between loads of laundry, and hair treatments. My own included because chances are that I've got them as well. Anywho, I'll go more into this later. I might even review one of the products we're using, which is considered safe & nontoxic, for you guys. With school right around the corner it might be something some of you parents might be interested in learning more about? For now, let's just jump right into the currently post for July.
Playing: I've been in a bit of a music slump. So I rarely listen to much, and if I do it's usually a random playlist that's generated by Spotify. However, Lorde's new album is amazing and one of my favorite go to's these days. I know it's been out for a little while now, but it's one of those albums that took me a bit to really get into. NOT because it was bad, because it's not. Melodrama is actually really amazing, and to me so much more different than her last album. I felt like I needed to be somewhere quite to really appreciate, and enjoy the masterpiece I was listening to. I'm a mom though so that shit rarely happens. But when it did...oh my... it was amazing. If you haven't checked it out yet, do it! It has a track in it for everyone, and the transition from one song to the next is just so fluid & perfect. I love getting to listen to an album that seems to be this long continuous story. Before I know it the album is over, and I'm left feeling like I should play it all over again. This album definitely does that for me. So enjoy. And you're welcome.
Reading: I have a few books on my list for this month. I have some catching up to do. Right now I'm currently pushing through "Evelyn, After" by Victoria Helen Stone. Yes, this is a book I had started a few months ago. I made it about 20% in when I realized that the subject matter was just entirely too much for me. It hit a few spots that still felt like wounds, and brought a lot of shit back up. So, I put it down. And honestly, I hadn't picked up a book since. But recently, I decided to give it another shot. It's been a slow start, but I can now read the pages without wanting to cry. Progress folks! I've also started re-reading PUNK 57 by Penelope Douglas. I enjoy many of her books, and when this one was released on my birthday last year I bought it without hesitation. I read it in one sitting, enjoyed the characters, but I never got around to reviewing it. So, I'm giving it another go so that I can actually post a review on it for you guys. Since I enjoyed it the first time I have no doubt that I'll enjoy it the second time around too. Wish me luck!
Blog Post: Since, I love books it's no surprise that I enjoy book blogs too. When I'm going through a bit of a rut I normally turn to these blogs for a bit of inspiration. That little bit of extra something I need to pick something new, and jump right in. The other day I was browsing through recommended blogs when I came across "Steph The Bookworm". Now, not only does she talk about books but she also blogs about her life! One of her posts that I enjoyed the most recently is "I Hate Swimming (but I'm Diving In)". I could totally relate to how she felt! Last weekend alone I squeezed my jiggly self into a bathing suit because my daughter, and her friends wanted to go to the pool. Did I want to go at first? No. Was I comfortable when I got there? Not really. But I chose to say "Fuck it" and take the plunge. Before too long I didn't even care if my cellulite was in full display, or if my thighs were clapping because I honestly didn't give a shit. We had a blast! We jumped in, we swam, and we went down the water slide. But I totally get it that fear. Insecurities are a bitch. For some of us parents the only way we ever look passed any of it is because of our children. And Steph gets that! So, if you get a chance, go check out her blog. Say hello, and read some of her reviews! You won't be disappointed.
Watching: Ohhh, you guys. I am shook. SHOOK I tell ya. I think I'm using that term correctly. Maybe? Eh. Who cares? A few weekends ago I was feeling really crummy. I had a headache, and I could not for the life of me fall asleep. So, I decided to look through my watchlist on Netflix, and browse some of my older selections. Read: movies that are rated mature so I can't watch them if my daughter is awake. That's when I came across "Blue is the Warmest Color". Now, I love me a good foreign film, y'all. But before you go clicking the play button, and in the spirit of full disclosure this is a French film with English subtitles about a lesbian couple. They do have some pretty intense, and technically graphic sex scenes in this film too. However, if none of those things bother you I highly recommend this film. It made me laugh, cry, and it gave me all of the feels. Now, there was a lot of controversy surrounding this film due to how it was made, the subject matter, and the director. It was adapted from a graphic novel, and the author has gone on record to say that this film was missing lesbians on set. It's also a rather long movie, clocking in at almost three hours, with no score. But it is so worth the watch. I might even dedicate a whole post to this film to give you guys some more information, and to just gush about how much I love it. Anywho, just go watch it. Or if you've already seen it tell me if you loved or hated it, and why. Let's discuss! Social media links are all above so hit me up.
Phone App: Have any of you heard of Snapfish? Yes? No? Maybe? Well, if you haven't they are a photo printing website. They do everything from pictures, cards, mouse pads, phone cases, mugs, and a lot of other cool stuff. They're also really affordable, and you know me: I love things that can fit into my budget! Now, what some of you may not know is that they have a phone app you can use to import photos from Instagram, your camera roll, and Facebook. Once you download their app, and sign into your account you get 100 free 4x6 prints each month for an entire year! How cool is that?! You do still pay for shipping, but that's hardly ever more than five bucks for me. Now, if you use those 100 prints up you can still take advantage of the sales/discounts they offer, and pick up in-store locally (CVS, Walgreens, or Wal-Mart). It's fast, easy, and the and the delivery time isn't horrible. Since my nephew has finally arrived, and I've gotten a lot of pictures of him, this months free prints will be going towards that! I've been using them for over seven years now, and they do a really great job! So definitely check this app out if you're into having keepsakes, or just want an affordable way to get your photographs developed.
And that concludes the currently for this month. If you have any other suggestions be sure to drop me a line either on here, or other social media outlets. Links are all at the top. I'm always on the look out for new artists, films, or books so I'm totally open to recommendations. Until the next post, Happy Friday folks!!
A Few Things I Want To Address
Monday, July 10, 2017
Okay, so this month is going to be all kinds of mixed up. I normally have the "scheduled" posts for the month ready a few weeks in advance, and the book reviews are normally already written up within the same time frame. Here we are already into the second full week of the month and as of right now the "currently" post hasn't even met it's first outline. And I haven't even finished the book for July either. So, I'll leave both of those to be published towards the end of the month. Fingers crossed that I can get them done by then. I also have one more product review that I'd like to get posted, but I'm not forcing that one. If I have to wait until August, I will. I'm completely out of my comfort zone guys, and I feel like this month is just a lot more chaotic than I had hoped. I've tried to establish a schedule, and I have this weird thing about consistent patterns that I liked to stick to when posting. All of that went out the window for July though! Yup, I dropped the ball. That'll teach you to trust me when I say "I'm hoping to be more consistent, and bring more content" doesn't it?
Last week when I wrote this particular post I was babysitting a Dos XX bottle as I typed it up. I was feeling this sense of "I don't give a fuck, bring it" to whatever had been bothering me that day. I was tired, agitated, and my anxiety was kicking my ass. So, I had myself a beer. And it helped with turning my thoughts of anger into this hazy ball of mush that I could address on another day. So, here we go. Another day. I finally decided that I wanted to go back to school, sooner rather than later. Since Tarleton screwed me over I can't resume classes there until what I "owe them" is repaid. I was able to get my government loans deferred until the end of the year so I'm saving money right now to be put towards that large ass sum. In the meantime I'm going to try and attend the previous college I received my Associates from. I want to take a few catch up classes, and take as many courses as I'm allowed before having to transfer over to the university again. I plan on stopping by their office, and speaking to an adviser before the end of July to get that in order.
Next up, marriage. Mine is a huge mess about 30% of the time these days. And I won't lie to any of you: the majority of it has to do with addiction, mental health issues, & a big ass dose of denial. We've been down this road before y'all, and I was told that it would be something we'd have to battle or deal with for the rest of our lives. Some years will be better than others, but I have to either be in it for the long haul or remove myself in order to not make things worse. Now, I know some people don't believe these are valid excuses, and they think that we should all just "man up". But just know that I'm doing my best to figure out what we need to do as a family right now. It's not easy to go through this, and to have these issues within a relationship. Even worse when it's a relationship that's created a family. I know there's a lot of bad that's happened, and people have definitely questioned my sanity. Some of the stuff that was said, that I was put through, or that I found out about are still very much on my mind. But like I've stated before I feel like I'm doing my best to be supportive, and helpful. My family always comes first, and that includes my marriage. Regardless of the state that it's in. However, in order to not bring on so much confusion and to focus more on our families recovery, I'm going to limit how much/how often I post in regards to my marriage. I don't want to sound like a broken record, and I just feel like this is something we need to take on privately from here on out. Of course I'll update from time to time, but it won't be in the same way I had before.
And finally, I've been doing some soul searching in regards to what/who I want to be when I grow up. I've started to write down some goals, and really stepped back to see what's been causing me a lot of anxiety/stress at work. I've noticed that there's some unhappiness in other areas of my life that left me feeling very unfulfilled, and drained by the end of my workday. I've known for awhile that I wanted to graduate with a specific degree and I'm still aiming for it, but what then? What happens when/if I achieve that goal? Do I want to stay where I'm at or do I want to explore other options? Are there even any other options for me? I know people talk about the things that they want to do, and what makes them happy in their careers but I've never really truly taken a closer look into mine. I live paycheck to paycheck, and it's never been about anything else for me. I do my time at an 8-5 job because I must. So, what happens if I were to be offered something else? What would I do if I were able to have enough stability to decided what I wanted to do in the future? Would it be the same, or would things change? I'll tell you guys all about it in my next post so stay tuned.
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