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Weight Loss - Weigh In - March 2019

This month went by pretty quickly. I’ve been in a bit of a funk lately too. Or at least I was. I believe it had a lot to do with my medications being adjusted, but I’m not entirely sure. Then I started feeling stabby and needy, but as it turns out that was just me PMSing. Phew. Still, this month was a rough one emotionally. However, I did manage to work on my eating habits and my water intake. And honestly, I think the weight loss pills helped out A LOT in those areas. Even when I took a whole week off, I felt like I still made good food choices, and drank plenty of water. Now, whether this will continue long term, I have yet to find out. What I do know is that I start my second month supply next week. For now, let me just go over my progress for March. 

Starting Weight (SW): 189 lbs
Current Weight (CW): 183.4 lbs
Goal Weight (GW): 160 lbs

When it comes to food I’ve stuck with fruits, yogurts, and veggies mainly. Whole wheat bread, white rice, chicken breasts, and fish. There have been times when I’ve had cravings and I went along with them because I wanted to indulge. But only a little. I portioned things out, and I always did my best to not overeat. When I’m full, I’m full. I also increased my daily water intake between 64-76 oz per day. On the weekends it’s slightly less. But not by much. I keep a water bottle in my car, at work, and at home at all times. So, this helped keep me from getting tea or soda when I was out and about. Not that I drink much soda these days anyway. So, I would say that I’m feeling pretty good in the “diet” department. When I was first told about the weight loss pills I was a bit skeptical. I was told that I would have a lot of energy and that I would want to be up and moving around. However, just like with everything else out there, my body didn’t react in that way. Instead, the pills made me really thirsty. And water was the only thing I craved. They did help with curbing my cravings, and I feel that they helped me become more disciplined when it came to not overeating. So, this was definitely a great benefit.

The fitness area is where I've had a lot of trouble lately. I didn’t work out much this month. Like, hardly at all. I really wanted to start heading to the gym and getting workouts in at the beginning of March. I felt really motivated at first, but then I hit a funk. A slump. I didn’t want to leave the house. Beau was picking Emery up and bringing her back at random times so I never had a set schedule or time slot that I could dedicate to going to the gym. But as of last week, I did start building up to running again. I started doing sprints, across from my house in an open field, whenever Emery is busy with her homework. And this week I finally asked Beau to help me come up with a consistent schedule that worked for both of us. The custody agreement we have serves as more of a guide than anything else because of Emery's schedule so we don’t really go by it. However, I think it would be best if we worked on establishing a better routine. I’m currently working on a shared calendar to help iron things out a  bit. I’m hoping that once this is in place I’ll be able to carve out a time slot to workout. Fingers crossed!  

Mentally, things have been a bit rocky but okay. Since my medication was increased last month it’s been interesting trying to pinpoint the best time to take them. If I take them too early then I’m wanting to be in bed by 7pm, and well that’s not possible. If I take them too late then it’s hell waking up in the morning. So far, I’ve narrowed the window down to between 7:30-8:30pm. Still, there are some days when even that time slot fails me. BUT the increase in my medication has allowed me to feel much better during the day. While I was in the midst of this “funk” of mine I honestly don’t think I would have gotten out of bed if I wasn’t taking something. There were days when I didn’t want to see anyone, or leave my house. But I would tell myself that I had to do something. Even if it was something small. I had to get my ass up and move. And I did. I think this is what helped me work through what I needed to in order to feel better. So, I feel like things are good.  

Overall, I think I did pretty well. I know that I didn’t achieve both of my goals for this month, but I think I got a solid handle on the dieting goal I had set for myself. And I’m down ten pounds since my doctor’s visit in February! I’d say that the changes paired with the pills have been working the way that they are meant to. Again, these pills are just tools though. I did take a week off from them to see if I could keep up with the same routine. I wanted to make sure that even without them I still drank plenty of water, went for more walks, and stuck with my diet. So far, so good. Which brings me to my goal for April: working out three to four times a week. On the days that Beau has Emery, I’m wanting to dedicated at least one hour of that time to a gym session or at the very least going for a run. No excuses. This week I started building up to one mile runs again, and I’d like to increase my distance by the end of the month. However, my first priority is to just get back into working out consistently. If I can reach 175 lbs on the scale by the end of this next month I'll be pretty stoked. But honestly, right now I'll be happy with just making it to 179 and breaking through that 180 lb wall that I've been at for so long. So here’s to April, y'all! To longer days, more sunshine, and hopefully some much-needed motivation!

Wordless Wednesday

An ER Visit and Answers

Yesterday morning was spent in the emergency room. My daughter has been complaining of abdominal pain, dizziness, chest pains, and headaches for over two months now. At first, it was random. None of the symptoms came up all at once. One day it was chest pains. Several days later it would be stomach pains and dizziness. A week would go by and then she’d mention headaches. We visited with her primary about two weeks ago, and the results came back “ify”. Her EKG results came back fine but she didn’t appear to be outgrowing her asthma. Her other test results showed high levels of white blood cells so they leaned towards an infection. Bladder or UTI; weren’t 100% sure but either would get knocked out with the same medication. So, off we went on our way. We had answers, and that’s all that mattered. 

Then Sunday night there was nothing but tossing and turning. Moaning in pain. Neither of us had gotten much sleep, and as we woke up on Monday she started complaining of the pain. She didn’t want to move, but she had to get ready for school. As she got out of bed, she said, “Mom, my legs feel like jello.” And down she went. So, that sealed the deal. We needed better answers, and I needed to know what I had to do in order to make her feel better. So, I made the decision to take her into the emergency room. This is a last resort for us because our hospital is notorious for being slow & less than helpful. Thankfully we were the only ones there that morning so they were able to get us in right away. After several hours, scans, blood tests, and x-rays we were told that she looked fairly healthy. However, she did have a viral infection and an irritated bowel. Her intestines were also having a hard time digesting and processing her food. So, this told us she was having GI issues, and that the most likely culprit was food allergies. The dizziness and “jello legs” were all just a byproduct of her severe abdominal pain.  

Unfortunately, there was nothing that could be given to her for the pain or the infection. It would just have to run its course. If her pain continues, or get worse then we'll be referred to a Pediatric GI specialist at Cook Children's. For now, it doesn't look like surgery will be necessary, but there may be other options. Until then, we just have to keep track of what she's eating. After some advice from my sister-in-law, I opted to switch over to some gluten-free products. And now we just wait. I'm hoping the diet change is all that needs to be done. Emery, on the other hand, is so over gluten-free and it's been less than twenty-four hours. So, send us some prayers, or good vibes if that's your thing because having a grumpy nine-year-old that consistently talks about how nasty gluten free stuff is and how she's "starving" for real food is already getting old. And again, it hasn't even been twenty-four hours. So, wish me us luck! We're both gonna need it. 

📷:Google search

Wordless Wednesday

Currently - March

This month brought back Daylight Savings Time and even though it was rough going that first week I’m actually loving it. I’d been counting down the minutes to longer days, and brisk weather. Everything turns green around here, and I can leave the windows open all day. There’s nothing quite like having fresh air traveling throughout your home on a sunny day. This also means that in the next two weeks or so I’ll be doing another one of my deep cleanings. I’ll be getting rid of a bunch of shoes, clothes, and items we don’t use/need. I’ll probably do another round of donations to the local “lending libraries” too. So, I’m definitely ready to get all of this going soon. But for today, let’s get into the "currently" post for the month!

Playing:  Y’all, I have a serious musical crush on Billie Eilish. She’s been in the music scene for a while now, and in case you didn’t know she’s only seventeen years old. Her first single, “Ocean Eyes” was written when she was fourteen I believe. She’s released several singles, and one EP so far. Her full-length album is due out on March 29th. Her sound is very unique, slightly unexpected, and man can she hit some notes. What I think I like most about her is how open and upfront she is about her changing sound. In fact, she’s even talked about that being a goal for her career. For such a young person she seems to be very aware of herself and very accepting of change. Growth. I think that’s really cool and very rare to see in this day and age. I highly recommend that you check her out if you haven’t already heard of her. One of my favorite songs would be “&burn (w/Vince Staples)”. Emery, on the other hand, is a big fan of her song “COPYCAT”. 

Reading: Nothing. I’ve been in one heck of a slump. I tried reading a few books recently, but they’ve all sat unfinished. I also bought “A Discovery of Witches”, but have yet to start it. Not sure what’s going on in this area, but I just haven’t felt up to reading lately. I feel like I go through this every couple of years so I guess it’s that time again. Maybe next month I'll have something good to offer in this section? 

Watching: Back at the end of February I saw this promo on Instagram for the show “Good Girls”. I had previously seen trailers for it, but it didn’t ever catch my attention. That promo though...? WHOA. Suddenly, I needed to know this story. I needed to see what was up with all of that sexual tension. So, I binge-watched the whole first season over on Netflix within one weekend. And y’all, it was so good! The plot: Three suburban mothers suddenly find themselves in desperate circumstances and decide to stop playing it safe and risk everything to take their power back. Based off of this description it doesn’t seem that interesting, I know, which is why I was originally not that interested in it. But don’t let that tiny little description fool you like it did me. The show incorporates several of today’s issues and gives us a nice dose of comedy as well. And that eye candy, whose real name is Manny Montana, is just so mesmerizing to watch. There’s just something so sexy about that “bad boy” vibe and swagger that he gives off in every scene. And he’s not even getting that much screen time per episode either. I hope they change this in the future. But I think what’s most appealing about this show is the bond between these three women. They are there for each other, always. Even when they have arguments they always find their way back. And during the hard times, they support each other. The friendship that the women in this show portray is how I feel female friendships should be in real life. Obviously, without the illegal stuff but hey, no judgment. So, I’ve been hooked on “Good Girls” ever since. You can currently stream all of season one over on Netflix. The second season, which is airing now, is on Sunday nights at 10/9c over on NBC. If you aren't able to catch it live, Hulu has the current season available. 

And that concludes the currently for this month. If you have any other suggestions be sure to drop me a line either on here or any of my other social media pages. Links are all at the top. I'm always on the lookout for new artists, films, or books so I'm totally open to recommendations. Until the next post, Happy Monday folks!

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My Eye-Opening Experience When Deactivating Facebook

As some of you may, or may not know, I’m Catholic. March 6th was the beginning of Lent for us, and it had honestly been a while since I’d participated in giving anything up for it. I know, I know. So, this year as I sat in the pew for Ash Wednesday mass I decided that I would go through with deactivating Facebook. This would be the thing I would give up. Though I hardly ever post or share things on that platform I still use it as a way to kill time. A distraction. And it would just send me into this rabbit hole of pictures, and articles. Of drama and hate. Everyone having this need to express their opinions about every little thing, and just having to stick their noses in everyone else’s business. I found that I missed the old days of Facebook when you had very few options to select for how you were feeling and were limited on what you could share. And just like the majority of all the other social media outlets out there, Facebook had become downright toxic. So, I downloaded my data and went through with the deactivation. It felt oddly terrifying and yet extremely freeing at the same time. However, what I didn’t expect out of this particular move was realizing just how much Facebook had given me this false notion that I had several friendships/relationships in my life. 

Facebook as a whole, I haven’t really missed if I’m being honest. I still use other social media platforms like Twitter, Tumblr, and Instagram so maybe that’s why? Though these are limited in time, and not used daily I still have an “outlet”. The reason why I don’t feel like these others are at the same level as Facebook is because of how seldom I actually use them. Twitter is how I keep up to date on TV shows, movies, books, and some of my favorite bands or celebrities. I follow some organizations or causes that are dear to my heart too. My blog automatically posts to my timeline, but I honestly don’t get much out of Twitter. Tumblr is where I reblog/share quotes, pictures, and GIFs. I don’t interact with others on it, and my desire to spend time on the app comes and goes in waves. For real, it sat without any use for over a year once. So, I don’t use this particular platform very often. Instagram is probably the runner up behind Facebook. It’s actually an app that I’ve considered deleting because of how crappy it can make you feel about your life. Instead, I went through my “following” list and deleted over a hundred people. And that was just the first round of deletions. However, even now as I type this out I know that I’m just making excuses. Baby steps, y’all. But my Facebook use was a daily thing. Sure I may not have posted much, and I may not have interacted with others that often. But I was constantly opening and scrolling through it. Anytime I was bored --> Facebook. Anytime I heard an ambulance, fire truck, or police sirens --> Facebook. Anytime I or someone else wanted to find out about another person --> Facebook. And then there was the stuff that I didn’t want to know about still splashed all over my feed. By the time I ended my day I just felt annoyed by it all. So, why was I still using it? I told myself it was because of family and friends. It’s how I “kept in touch” with the people in my life. But really, that was a load of bullshit. I could just as easily get their numbers and keep in contact via phone calls or texts. 

After a few days without Facebook, I noticed that I felt bored a lot. I’d end up logging into one of the other apps and using them to distract myself. I’d quickly scroll through the feeds before telling myself I needed to do something more productive. After five days without Facebook, it dawned on me that not one single person had tried to contact me. By day seven I started thinking about how many of my “friends” I actually thought and wondered about. And to be honest, there wasn’t a whole lot. That’s when it really hit me just how little I actually interacted with others, face to face. How I felt like I had so many friends based on comments left when I would post on my timeline, the likes on my pictures, or the messages I would get. The friend count number displayed on my profile. In my real, day -to- day life I see maybe two or three people off of my friends' list. Not including my parents. And even those aren’t consistent unless you count coworkers. So, all of this got me thinking about my lack of true, meaningful, relationships. I don’t have a core group of friends close by. I do have a group spread all across the country though. I’ve tried getting to know other moms at birthday parties or school activities, but it never goes beyond that. There’s no one I can call up and say, “Hey, let's do lunch!” or “Let’s grab dinner.” I even went through my phone contacts list which verified all of this. Now, as I’ve gotten older I know that I tend to dislike being around a lot of people for long periods of time. My idea of a good time usually consists of yoga pants, a hoodie, and watching a favorite show. I’ve grown so accustomed to going home and having someone there that I truly believed was the only person I needed in my life that I didn’t really bother making an effort to get to know other people. And at my age, in such a small town, all of the “circles” out there have already been established. Tribes are full and busy. It becomes harder to find like-minded people that are in the same phase in life as you are who are willing to make time for someone new.

So, what exactly am I trying to say, you ask? Find your people, y’all. Nourish those relationships. Join that book club. Say yes to a girl’s night. Check on your friends if it’s been awhile. Put your phone down and listen. Volunteer to watch a friend’s kid(s) so that they can have some alone time with their partner. Try that fitness class you’ve been curious about. Schedule those lunch plans. Be open to including others in your circle and extend invitations. Because as awesome as it is to have a partner that’s your best friend in life it’s also good to have friendships outside of that. Otherwise, you end up like me: getting a whole weekend to yourself, never once changing out of your PJ’s, and counting down the minutes until your child gets back home just so you have someone to talk to. Yes, let my current situation serve as a cautionary tale for you. I think for the most part I handle being on my own pretty well. Though there are times when I wish I had someone I could call up even if it was just to have a simple conversation, or to go for a walk around the neighborhood. Maybe even a running buddy? And then there are some days when being alone can make me feel really lonely. During those days I feel like my anxiety gets the better of me and it takes me a lot longer to push past my depression. I eventually get there and start to feel better. But I think it would help if I had a few good friends here that I could lean on from time to time. Not knocking my BFF's either, I know they'd be here if they could. So, I guess what I'm trying to say is don’t shut people out so quickly, okay? And if you ever feel like re-evaluating some of your relationships/friendships just deactivate your Facebook for a while. Shit gets really real, really fast. 

📷: Google image search

Wordless Wednesday

Life At The Moment

Recently, I've felt myself become increasingly isolated. I'm not exactly sure if it's because of a step I need to go through in order to process what's currently going on, or if it's just another wave of depression that will eventually taper off. Whatever it is, for some reason this sadness and need to be alone feels different this time. And yet, I honestly don't feel like doing much about it other than letting it run its course. 

Beau officially moved out right before our daughter's birthday last month. It felt completely terrifying but completely necessary. I can still see him shoving things into suitcases, and blaming me for everything that had gone wrong. I can still hear the door slamming which made everything feel so damn final. However, since then, we've actually done okay. He has roommates and is currently looking for his own place. He comes over once a week to do laundry and sometimes stays for a family dinner or to help get Emery ready for bed. And once a week Emery goes over to his place when his roommates are working in order to spend a few hours with him. For the most part, we communicate via text when it's about Emery. And I make sure to include him on decisions pertaining to her. I've recently heard that he's seeing someone, but we have an agreement that no partners will be introduced to Emery unless the relationship has lasted between four to six months. I've also asked to not be given names until it's absolutely necessary for me to know. Even with everything that's happened in the past, having a name is just not something that I'm ready for yet. Thankfully, this is something that we were able to agree on fairly easily. 

Emery has handled everything very well from what I can see. I've spoken to her teacher and the school counselor which have both said that she's doing great. I sat down to have a talk with her about how she was feeling, and she said that she was okay. There was no fighting anymore so she was just happy about that. Still, I told her if there was anything that she felt she needed to talk about that she could always come to me. And if for some reason she didn't feel like talking to me that she could always talk to the school counselor. She's insisted that she doesn't need to, but promised that she would bring it up if that ever changed. I'm really, really, proud of her. I know that things haven't been easy for her and that she's seen/heard a lot that a child her age should never have been subjected to. I don't think I'll ever be able to do enough to make that up to her. But she hasn't let a lot of this impact her in a negative way. I hope that never changes either. 

I've been doing okay. Though, as I mentioned above, I feel like I'm slowly isolating myself from others. Immediate family excluded. Living alone with my daughter has proved to be a bigger adjustment than I thought it would be. Before, even though we were divorced, Beau was still here in our home with me. There was another body taking up space in our house. Another energy. Weirdly, I felt safer knowing that someone else was here. Now that he's not it's been strange for me. The other day, he came back over after accidentally grabbing one of my shirts while doing laundry earlier that day. With a laugh, he apologized and mentioned that he hadn't realized it was mine until after he had put it on. "I know how you are about your clothes so I'm bringing it back." With a wave, he headed back to the car, and as I locked the door I found myself bringing the shirt up to sniff. "Ugh, it better not smell like cigarettes," I thought. And it didn't. Instead, it smelled like him, his body soap, and his cologne. And a lot of emotions hit me at once. I slid down to the floor and started crying. I missed that smell. I missed rolling over in bed and hugging him from behind. Burying my nose in his neck, and letting that scent take over. That night I slept in that damn shirt. My reaction kind of threw me off for a few days too. Now, I know our situation is exactly where it needs to be. I know that we are better apart than we are together. I know that this is the right things for us. I just didn't realize how hard the memories would hit. I didn't realize just how alone I felt until after that night.

So, I've been allowing myself to feel however I need to feel without letting it become overwhelming. On days when I miss Beau, I allow myself to miss him. I tell myself that it's perfectly normal to feel that way. When I find myself getting angry for what he did and continues to do, I allow it. It's okay to feel mad. To feel disappointed. When I find myself thinking of all the good memories I tell myself to hold onto those tightly. Because it wasn't all bad and I need to remember that. As long as I don't allow myself to stay there, in those emotions for too long, it's all okay to feel. Bottling things up or denying how I'm feeling won't help in the long run. Part of me thinks this is why I've closed myself off from people. I feel like I need to go through this privately. I need to work through this on my own. And sometimes, that's a lonely process. I'm sure I'll get back to my normal soon. I'm sure I'll bounce back better than ever. But for now, this is how I'm choosing to get through this particular chapter of mine. I just hope that the people in my life can understand that this is what I need.  

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Wordless Wednesday

Weight Loss - Weigh In - February 2019

Well, this post should have been up last week but I spaced on it. Sorry! On the bright side, this means that you’ll get TWO weight updates this month. Yay! I ended up being a bit busier than I thought I would be for February. And I honestly can’t believe we’re already in March. I wish I could say that February was a month that saw a lot of productivity on my part but it really wasn’t. In fact, there was a lot of wallowing. But we’ll get to that in another post. I did end up having my follow up with the doctor, and found out that there had been no progress in the weight loss department. Now, I told her that I hadn’t really been working out but she still insisted that there should have been a bit of a drop if my thyroid issues were getting better. Instead, I was going up. And as of that day I was technically considered obese. So, we looked over some options and I made up my mind to take some weight loss pills out for a trial run. Now, these are not a miracle pill. They are meant to be used as a tool. And honestly, I feel that they should be used as a last resort. My doctor and I discussed taking them for two months, max, and then seeing if they’d helped me lose any weight. If they had, then I would stop taking them and start trying to keep the progress going on my own. If they didn’t help me at all then I would still stop taking them, and we’d look at possibly changing up my antidepressants. What I currently take is working really well however, one of the side effects of this particular medication is weight gain. Which really sucks. Now, I’ve only been taking this weight loss pill for two weeks. There has been little to no exercise, but I plan on changing that this month. My dad has asked that we start going back to the gym regularly so we actually start back up today (3/4). And just an FYI, the stats below were taken on Monday 2/25. So without taking up too much more of your time, here’s the progress post for February.  

Starting Weight (SW): 189 lbs
Current Weight (CW): 188 lbs
Goal Weight (GW): 160 lbs

For the most part, my diet has been consistent. Breakfast usually includes coffee with yogurt or a smoothie with trail mix. I’m eating mostly vegetables & lean meats for lunch. And dinner is usually whatever I decide to cook or grab on the way home. Though I always portion it out. There have been a few days where I’ve not stuck with it 100%, but I’d say that I do pretty damn well the majority of the time. I’ve also taken out sodas and only have sweet tea if we go out to eat somewhere. I’ve upped my water intake to anywhere between 54-64 ounces per day during the work week. On the weekends I’ve made it a point to not keep track.  

On the fitness front, things have not been great. At all. I honestly have no idea where my motivation has gone but it sure as hell isn’t here. I’ve struggled with getting out in the cold in the afternoons too. And by the time I get home, it’s usually dark out, so the last thing I want to do is go out for a gym session. I’m actually really looking forward to Daylight Savings Time kicking in next month. I’m hoping with more daylight in the afternoons it will help give me that extra push to leave the house.

Mentally, I feel good. There have been days since I started taking medication last year that I’ve felt really down or emotional. But for the most part, I feel content. I feel like I think more rationally, and I’m able to talk myself off of the ledge before going into a full blown anxiety attack. Those have become less frequent too. I feel like I’m more in control of myself, and how I react to people and situations. I still get sad and cry. I still have days when I feel like things are really hard. But instead of it lasting for weeks at a time it’s usually just a few days. I feel like the medicine I’m on still allows me to feel all of the things but without letting me go into an emotional overload if that makes sense? 

Overall, I’d say that I’m getting better with my food choices and mentally I’m in a good place. Since starting the weight loss pills there has actually been some movement on the scale. January had me sitting at 191, and when I weighed in at the doctor's office I was at 192. This month I'm down to 188, and that's without working out. Just diet changes. So now, if I can just find the motivation to get back to working out consistently, I think things will start to improve even more. Which brings me to my goals for the month of March. The first goal is to workout at least 3x a week for a minimum of 30 minutes. If I can increase the days or even the time that would be great, but for now I really want to focus on that particular goal. The second goal is to maintain my current diet, if not improve on it some more. Because there's always room for improvement. So, that's about it for now. Here's to March! To more sunshine in our days, and hopefully, the kick in the ass that I need.  

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