Recently, I've felt myself become increasingly isolated. I'm not exactly sure if it's because of a step I need to go through in order to process what's currently going on, or if it's just another wave of depression that will eventually taper off. Whatever it is, for some reason this sadness and need to be alone feels different this time. And yet, I honestly don't feel like doing much about it other than letting it run its course.
Beau officially moved out right before our daughter's birthday last month. It felt completely terrifying but completely necessary. I can still see him shoving things into suitcases, and blaming me for everything that had gone wrong. I can still hear the door slamming which made everything feel so damn final. However, since then, we've actually done okay. He has roommates and is currently looking for his own place. He comes over once a week to do laundry and sometimes stays for a family dinner or to help get Emery ready for bed. And once a week Emery goes over to his place when his roommates are working in order to spend a few hours with him. For the most part, we communicate via text when it's about Emery. And I make sure to include him on decisions pertaining to her. I've recently heard that he's seeing someone, but we have an agreement that no partners will be introduced to Emery unless the relationship has lasted between four to six months. I've also asked to not be given names until it's absolutely necessary for me to know. Even with everything that's happened in the past, having a name is just not something that I'm ready for yet. Thankfully, this is something that we were able to agree on fairly easily.
Emery has handled everything very well from what I can see. I've spoken to her teacher and the school counselor which have both said that she's doing great. I sat down to have a talk with her about how she was feeling, and she said that she was okay. There was no fighting anymore so she was just happy about that. Still, I told her if there was anything that she felt she needed to talk about that she could always come to me. And if for some reason she didn't feel like talking to me that she could always talk to the school counselor. She's insisted that she doesn't need to, but promised that she would bring it up if that ever changed. I'm really, really, proud of her. I know that things haven't been easy for her and that she's seen/heard a lot that a child her age should never have been subjected to. I don't think I'll ever be able to do enough to make that up to her. But she hasn't let a lot of this impact her in a negative way. I hope that never changes either.
I've been doing okay. Though, as I mentioned above, I feel like I'm slowly isolating myself from others. Immediate family excluded. Living alone with my daughter has proved to be a bigger adjustment than I thought it would be. Before, even though we were divorced, Beau was still here in our home with me. There was another body taking up space in our house. Another energy. Weirdly, I felt safer knowing that someone else was here. Now that he's not it's been strange for me. The other day, he came back over after accidentally grabbing one of my shirts while doing laundry earlier that day. With a laugh, he apologized and mentioned that he hadn't realized it was mine until after he had put it on. "I know how you are about your clothes so I'm bringing it back." With a wave, he headed back to the car, and as I locked the door I found myself bringing the shirt up to sniff. "Ugh, it better not smell like cigarettes," I thought. And it didn't. Instead, it smelled like him, his body soap, and his cologne. And a lot of emotions hit me at once. I slid down to the floor and started crying. I missed that smell. I missed rolling over in bed and hugging him from behind. Burying my nose in his neck, and letting that scent take over. That night I slept in that damn shirt. My reaction kind of threw me off for a few days too. Now, I know our situation is exactly where it needs to be. I know that we are better apart than we are together. I know that this is the right things for us. I just didn't realize how hard the memories would hit. I didn't realize just how alone I felt until after that night.
So, I've been allowing myself to feel however I need to feel without letting it become overwhelming. On days when I miss Beau, I allow myself to miss him. I tell myself that it's perfectly normal to feel that way. When I find myself getting angry for what he did and continues to do, I allow it. It's okay to feel mad. To feel disappointed. When I find myself thinking of all the good memories I tell myself to hold onto those tightly. Because it wasn't all bad and I need to remember that. As long as I don't allow myself to stay there, in those emotions for too long, it's all okay to feel. Bottling things up or denying how I'm feeling won't help in the long run. Part of me thinks this is why I've closed myself off from people. I feel like I need to go through this privately. I need to work through this on my own. And sometimes, that's a lonely process. I'm sure I'll get back to my normal soon. I'm sure I'll bounce back better than ever. But for now, this is how I'm choosing to get through this particular chapter of mine. I just hope that the people in my life can understand that this is what I need.
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