Monday Inspiration - Choosing

Happy Monday, y’all! I hope everyone had a wonderful Father’s Day. I did my best to stay off of social media over the weekend, because well, anytime I log on it’s just more negativity. People are so hyper-focused on the election, Trump, racism, the BLM movement, police brutality, or taking down statues. And then, there’s a heated debate on just about every single topic underneath the sun. It’s almost as if people have forgotten that we aren’t all the same? All of these narratives being tossed around lately have been really draining these past few weeks.

So, instead of getting lost down that rabbit hole for what seems like the hundredth time, I did my best to enjoy the weekend with the people I love most in this world. And today I'm choosing to see the good in humanity. I’m choosing to believe that all of this turmoil will create a positive change. Hopefully, it will also teach us all a valuable lesson too. And I'm choosing to give thanks. 

Today, I’m doing my best to lean on my faith during this time. Because, no matter what, I’m Catholic first. During these chaotic times, our church is calling for us to listen to others. We are being called to pray for the world; for our brothers and sisters. We are being called to extend grace and request it for ourselves as well because we are far from perfect. So, today, I'm choosing to sit back silently and learn. I’m choosing to make an effort in seeing the good.

The Night Before Lent

I'm feeling some type of way tonight. Like everything is moving really fast, but also, not fast enough. I'm having to tell myself, more often than not, to slow down. Enjoy where life is currently taking me. Be present in the now. Don't rush this, you're fine. But as I sit here I'm also thinking about ten other different things going on, my leg won't stop bouncing, and I'm feeling slightly claustrophobic. I'm worried about the sacrifices that tomorrow will bring and whether I'll have the discipline to follow through with everything I feel is being asked of me. If I'll be strong enough to get through this Lent season. 

This year, for Lent, I decided to give up Facebook again. Last year, I deactivated my account and there was so much peace felt during that time. It's amazing what a "social media" break can actually do for you. Even when you're not on there very often, it can still feel like an addiction of sorts. Or a time suck. And this year, I'm craving that peace again. However, on top of that, I'll also be doing an elimination diet. A slightly altered, Autoimmune Protocol Diet. I've been having issues with my weight again, and just the way my body feels in general. So bloated and stretched beyond capacity. I want to dedicate this Lent to trying my best to fix the issues in a more natural way. I want to hand all of this over to God because I'm just so tired of the health issues. I'm tired of the yo-yo weight problems. I'm tired of feeling tired. And this is my year of healing. So, I'm handing it over to Him. But y'all, these next two weeks are going to be hell. Cutting out coffee alone will probably send me into withdrawals. So, I'm not looking forward to it, even though I know it's necessary. 

I've also picked back up on my therapy sessions. I had a nice "catch up" session with my therapist last week, and there was a lot of new information that we had to navigate through. I swear, his pen didn't stop moving that entire hour. What I realized though, was how uncomfortable I felt sitting there. Fidgety. But not in a negative way. More of a "Uggh, he's hitting some nerves and I don't like it," kind of way. This means that it was definitely time to sit my passive-aggressive, reality avoiding, anxiety-prone ass back on that couch. It was time for me to start letting all of what I had bottled up inside of me, finally come out. It wasn't until that session, as I sat there clinging to the pillow in my lap and counting each time *Watson tapped his pen on the pad, that I realized just how much I had slipped back into some old habits without even realizing it. And that's not the direction that I want to go. Backward is not an option. So, if I want to take a really good look inward, this is where I need to start. This is where my healing begins.   

*the nickname my sister-in-law uses when talking about my therapist. 

Wordless Wednesday

Life At The Moment

Recently, I've felt myself become increasingly isolated. I'm not exactly sure if it's because of a step I need to go through in order to process what's currently going on, or if it's just another wave of depression that will eventually taper off. Whatever it is, for some reason this sadness and need to be alone feels different this time. And yet, I honestly don't feel like doing much about it other than letting it run its course. 

Beau officially moved out right before our daughter's birthday last month. It felt completely terrifying but completely necessary. I can still see him shoving things into suitcases, and blaming me for everything that had gone wrong. I can still hear the door slamming which made everything feel so damn final. However, since then, we've actually done okay. He has roommates and is currently looking for his own place. He comes over once a week to do laundry and sometimes stays for a family dinner or to help get Emery ready for bed. And once a week Emery goes over to his place when his roommates are working in order to spend a few hours with him. For the most part, we communicate via text when it's about Emery. And I make sure to include him on decisions pertaining to her. I've recently heard that he's seeing someone, but we have an agreement that no partners will be introduced to Emery unless the relationship has lasted between four to six months. I've also asked to not be given names until it's absolutely necessary for me to know. Even with everything that's happened in the past, having a name is just not something that I'm ready for yet. Thankfully, this is something that we were able to agree on fairly easily. 

Emery has handled everything very well from what I can see. I've spoken to her teacher and the school counselor which have both said that she's doing great. I sat down to have a talk with her about how she was feeling, and she said that she was okay. There was no fighting anymore so she was just happy about that. Still, I told her if there was anything that she felt she needed to talk about that she could always come to me. And if for some reason she didn't feel like talking to me that she could always talk to the school counselor. She's insisted that she doesn't need to, but promised that she would bring it up if that ever changed. I'm really, really, proud of her. I know that things haven't been easy for her and that she's seen/heard a lot that a child her age should never have been subjected to. I don't think I'll ever be able to do enough to make that up to her. But she hasn't let a lot of this impact her in a negative way. I hope that never changes either. 

I've been doing okay. Though, as I mentioned above, I feel like I'm slowly isolating myself from others. Immediate family excluded. Living alone with my daughter has proved to be a bigger adjustment than I thought it would be. Before, even though we were divorced, Beau was still here in our home with me. There was another body taking up space in our house. Another energy. Weirdly, I felt safer knowing that someone else was here. Now that he's not it's been strange for me. The other day, he came back over after accidentally grabbing one of my shirts while doing laundry earlier that day. With a laugh, he apologized and mentioned that he hadn't realized it was mine until after he had put it on. "I know how you are about your clothes so I'm bringing it back." With a wave, he headed back to the car, and as I locked the door I found myself bringing the shirt up to sniff. "Ugh, it better not smell like cigarettes," I thought. And it didn't. Instead, it smelled like him, his body soap, and his cologne. And a lot of emotions hit me at once. I slid down to the floor and started crying. I missed that smell. I missed rolling over in bed and hugging him from behind. Burying my nose in his neck, and letting that scent take over. That night I slept in that damn shirt. My reaction kind of threw me off for a few days too. Now, I know our situation is exactly where it needs to be. I know that we are better apart than we are together. I know that this is the right things for us. I just didn't realize how hard the memories would hit. I didn't realize just how alone I felt until after that night.

So, I've been allowing myself to feel however I need to feel without letting it become overwhelming. On days when I miss Beau, I allow myself to miss him. I tell myself that it's perfectly normal to feel that way. When I find myself getting angry for what he did and continues to do, I allow it. It's okay to feel mad. To feel disappointed. When I find myself thinking of all the good memories I tell myself to hold onto those tightly. Because it wasn't all bad and I need to remember that. As long as I don't allow myself to stay there, in those emotions for too long, it's all okay to feel. Bottling things up or denying how I'm feeling won't help in the long run. Part of me thinks this is why I've closed myself off from people. I feel like I need to go through this privately. I need to work through this on my own. And sometimes, that's a lonely process. I'm sure I'll get back to my normal soon. I'm sure I'll bounce back better than ever. But for now, this is how I'm choosing to get through this particular chapter of mine. I just hope that the people in my life can understand that this is what I need.  

Some Goals For the New Year

I hope everyone had a wonderful Christmas and a happy New Year's Day! I had a wonderful time being off, and just getting to spend whole days with my little. Honestly, there's nothing better than those cuddles, and days spent in PJ's. All of that goodness aside, I've also been thinking a lot about the future. Reflecting on what's important to me. Thinking about the things that I want to accomplish, things that I'd like to attain, and weight goals that I'm wanting to reach. I've been thinking about changes I want to implement in my life, and how I want to focus more on my family. On being a good mom. I want to opt outside more and embark on some of the adventures Emery has been wanting to go on. The past year was a bit of a rocky one for us, and it's taken a lot for me to finally feel like we're finally getting settled. I also feel like I'm making some real progress in living a life that I want. A good life. One that isn't constant stress, anxiety, and struggle. One that will benefit my daughter in a positive and healthy way. So, what better time than now to start putting those long-term changes into motion? No more "just thinking" about them it's time to start doing.

For 2019 I have four main goals I'd like to focus on. The first goal is to get myself a vehicle. Since Beau had that accident with the deer and the car was considered a total loss I let him have my vehicle. He needed one, and my parents have allowed me to use one of theirs for the meantime. He has stated that he will be giving it back as soon as he can get another one up and running. His work isn't consistent during the winter so it's easier for me to be the one who saves money in order to put a down payment down on a vehicle. I have my heart set on two particular ones that I would love to get, and either of them would be great for when Emery starts driving too. Yes, I'm thinking that far ahead. So, God willing, I'm able to save a good chunk in the next two months to be able to afford one or the other. 

The second goal I have is to explore more trails and national/state parks. I'd also like to finally summit a mountain by the end of the year. I may even consider attempting Wheeler Peak again. I know that I can do it, and even if it takes me a whole day I want to see the view from a mountaintop. But first, I want to explore some more. I want to take Emery on more of those outdoor adventures she's been asking to go on. I'd also like to finally take her on that California vacation I've been promising for the past three years. Each year started with the financial ability to do so, but there was always something that would come up. Now, I may not be able to afford a whole week, but maybe we can head out for a weekend. The last time we were out there she was barely walking, and she's constantly asking me when we'll go back. She tells me she's wanting to be able to go and actually remember the visit this time. To remember the ocean. So, I'm praying that this year I'll finally be able to give her that experience.

The third goal for the year is to do away with the majority of social media. I recently went through my accounts and deleted/unfriended people that I haven't been in communication with in a few years. I unfollowed pages, celebrities, and inactive accounts. I plan to narrow it down even farther over the weekend too. I'm just so tired of all the noise, you know? I get that a lot of these platforms are wonderful, help spread our words, and keep us in touch. But it can also be really harmful to our mental health. It can start to chip away at your self-esteem, and make you feel like everyone else in the world is living these perfect lives except for you. It can be divisive, and full of passive-aggressive racism. And while I totally have no issue with people expressing their opinions or outlooks because it's their right, I can choose to not give it my attention because that's my right. So, the end goal is to become less active on social media. I want to write more on my blog and finally get the camera I've been wanting for a while now in order to take pictures. I feel like this will help me limit my phone use as well. Fewer distractions and being more present. This year I want to focus more on writing and navigating this new chapter of my life. And I don't want to be dragged under by all of the negativity that you can find on social media. 

The fourth goal is weight based. I really would love to lose about 40 lbs this year. No fad diets, or weight loss supplements though. I don't mind having some pre-workout or protein shakes when needed, but nothing else. No keto or intermittent fasting. I want to start incorporating more fruits and vegetables into my diet. I also want to get on a consistent workout schedule again and make water my "go to" drink. I also want to be more aware of what I'm putting into my body. Emery's as well. Once I was given answers about my hormones and thyroid it really opened up my eyes to how much our food, and products play a role in them. I mean, I knew that a lot of the food and products we consume are harmful to us in the long term. I just didn't realize that it was playing such a huge part in my imbalances in the here and NOW. And even though, for me, the cost of products has always been a factor in what I choose to buy there were a few things that I was recently able to switch. Deodorant, facial products, and toothpaste. Pairing that with the vitamins and the topical treatments that my doctor instructed me to start I've felt much better overall. My energy is still on the lower side, but I was told that it would take a minimum of six months for my Vitamin D to fully replenish itself. On the physical side I recently had a small setback in the form of back problems. This is why I haven't been able to really hit the gym like I wanted to back at the beginning of December. But my chiropractor finally gave me the green light to start back up with low impact stuff for now. Once I'm back to feeling 100% I plan to make exercise a priority again.

Now, there are several other things I'd like to achieve this year too. I'd like to beat my last years' sales at work. I want to spend more time with my family. Those near and far. I want to finally get out of unnecessary debt, or at the very least get it down to about half. I have about $8,000 to go. I'd like to be able to afford vaccines, and flea treatments for both dogs consistently all year long. I want to repaint my living room, dining area, and kitchen if possible this Spring. I want to install new flooring into two of the rooms in my house that desperately need it. And maybe (fingers crossed) get a dishwasher installed. I want to learn how to cook authentic Mexican food. To learn and incorporate more of the Mexican traditions into our life as well. I also want to make my church a priority, and possibly get more involved with it. I've always had ideas on how they could improve the catechism class and ways for it to raise more funds for mission trips. I've had ideas on how to get younger people involved again, and ways to seek out some help from the students at our local university. I've just always felt like I was "too busy" to make the time or not "important enough" for anyone to listen to my ideas. Lately, I've felt this pull to finally speak up though. And this is just the beginning really. There's a lot more I'd like to achieve, or set into motion this year. There's a lot I want for us. I know that I may check several of these off of my list or none at all. But I at least want to start. I want to be working towards creating a better future for my family. Most importantly though, I really want 2019 to be a good one. I want it to be as healthy and happy as possible for all of us. 

You Get What You Give

I wish I had a lengthy post for you today about how this quote pertained to my current situation, and how it changed something for me. Or that I had some grand speech that gave you some kind of encouragement for today. But honestly, my reason for selecting this particular quote is because someone recently asked me, “Why the fuck does bad shit always happen to me?!” And as I sat there, listening, my first thought was, “Have you ever thought that maybe it has to do with all of that bad juju you send out into the world?” Now, before you get all “Ooh, Raquel, why you being so bitchy?" let me just say that I've already mentioned this to this exact person before. All it did was make them angry as well as get me scolded. Accused of being a horrible person which I may very well have been for saying what I did. So, there really was no point in me repeating these words out loud again. And, in order to not throw out any of my own bad vibes I just replied with, “I’m really sorry. Don’t worry, we’ll figure it out. Everything will be okay.” I did my best to help out the situation, and we looked into solutions.

Now, I’m a big believer in putting out good energy. Even when I’m depressed, or having a shit day I try my best to be positive. To be kind. So, a few days ago, when I came across this quote in a random ass google search it reminded me of that conversation. And viola! here we are. So, let’s just call this your friendly reminder to not be a dick, okay? I know that we all have our moments, and I know that there are days when we are tested. Sometimes beyond what anyone should have to tolerate. And, I know that we’re humans who make mistakes. Life is hard too, I get it, believe me. But every once in awhile, think about sending out some good energy and positive vibes, ya? Do something for some else just because. Let the person behind you at the checkout line go ahead of you. Donate that extra dollar for charity that the lady in the drive thru speaker at Taco Bell is asking if you’d like added to your total. Think about the person who just cut you off or laid on their horn because you weren't moving fast enough for them, and wish them a good day. Think about the words you’re putting out there too. The intentions. Because it all comes back, y’all. You get what you give.

Happy Friday, Folks! 

A Few Moments of Peace

As I’m typing this up all of my windows are open. The sun is shining, and there’s a breeze coming through the house that feels amazing. Emery is finishing up her homework and grasping her chapter book with her free hand. She sticks the pencil end in her mouth as she mumbles about how hard her homework is today. I’m sitting here with my laptop in my lap, and my feet propped up on the recliner. My eyes want to close, and I have this sudden urge to take a nap. Instead, I find myself smiling at how lucky I am to be able to sit here and have all of this. 

For me, this week was a hard one. I honestly have no idea how I made it all the way through without some kind of breakdown. Maybe it was the chocolate cake we had for our co-worker’s birthday that lasted us all week? Or maybe it was the mimosas we had before work on Monday? Whatever the reason, I made it through. Now, I’m sitting here watching my daughter do her homework. Noticing how she lowers her head slightly and double checks everything that she writes. When she gets stumped she sticks her bottom lip out slightly in frustration and then lets out a little grunt. When she's sure of her answer she nods her head slightly and moves on to the next question. As she finishes she beams with delight and raises her paperwork at me. "Mom, I'm finished! Can I have some ice cream now?" Oh to have that kind of simplicity again, huh? Where the only complications presented themselves in the form of math homework, and which ice cream flavor you'd prefer to have after school. 

Tomorrow there are no plans; no commitments. And this allows me to release a deep sigh of relief. To allow my shoulders to relax and the tension in my neck to ease. I feel thankful for the few moments that I’m being given right now where all I feel is a sense of peace. A calm. So, here's to the weekend, y'all! Here's to you finding some peace. This is my reminder, to you, to make it a priority to get a few moments of "you" time here and there. Read a book, drink some tea in silence, or listen to your favorite songs while star gazing. And give yourself space to just be. Relax. Enjoy some time with the people you love most in the world. YOU deserve it. 

Happy Friday, friends! 

Reminder - Breathe

It's a new month, y'all! And thankfully, it's Friday. This weekend will probably be one of the last semi-free ones we get for a while. I still have some housework to do around here, and hopefully, an odd job with my dad will come up soon because we could use some extra money. We'll be attempting to get school supplies this weekend as well, and I'm praying that they have everything at one single store. Last year we had to grab things from three different locations over the course of a week because they kept running out. We're also hoping to take a last minute trip to New Mexico with my family before the little starts school. My brother wants to hike/summit Wheeler Peak and of course, it wouldn't be a memorable trip unless the entire family joined in. And finally, I'm not exactly sure if we're going to fit in one last summer camp next week, or just save the money for after-school lessons the little wants to take this year. Do y'all know how expensive it is to just get started with gymnastics?! I mean, damn does that cost a pretty penny...

All of that said I feel like August is going to be a very busy month. And a pretty expensive one too. As soon as I started to calculate costs for everything that would need to be paid this month all of these negative thoughts started racing around in my mind. I almost had a bit of an anxiety attack as I sat in my cubicle. How was I going to pay for all of this? We only have three weeks left before school starts. I started to dwell on my shortcomings, and that led me to feel really overwhelmed. I was almost on the brink of tears as I thought about what I was going to do. What I would need to sacrifice yet again just to swing everything. And that's the moment I realized I needed to take a step back, and just breathe. Deep, even breaths. After about five minutes I slowly started coming down off of the ledge. I refused to let all of the negative take over. And I didn't want to start off a new day, or a new month with a panic attack. 

So today, I just wanted to remind you to breathe. Whatever you're going through right now just take a few minutes to breathe. If you're having a rough time, or a bad day remember that it's not forever. If you suffer from anxiety, or panic attacks try some of these coping techniques listed in this article. If you don't suffer from anything at all, and the day is all sunshine and rainbows for ya well you can still remember to breathe. Or maybe reach out to someone you know that's having a hard time, or that you know deals with a mental illness. Sometimes just being there is help enough. If it's a normal day for you then maybe take a few minutes to appreciate the balance you have. Do something nice for someone, or donate a few dollars towards your local supermarket's charity of the month. But overall remember that everything is going to be okay, and even on the worst day you can find something to be grateful for if you really look. So, breathe. Slow, even breaths. You've got this, and YOU will be okay. Now go out and seize the day or some shit...

📷: Found through a Google search. No idea who made it.

Negativity Crept Up On Me

Ok. I got a little upset earlier, if you couldn’t tell. Sorry. I don’t know why I let things get to me the way that they do. I think one of the main reasons why I get so emotional is because I’m a mom. Crappy excuse, I know. But I sometimes find myself looking at things as if they were happening to me. To my family. I put myself in other people’s shoes so to speak. And this morning, when I saw the pictures of those women and children, I was bawling my eyes out. It’s strange, but it’s as if for a slight second, I can feel a bit of their pain. Especially the mothers. That said, I apologize for being so negative. I always talk about how I want positivity on this blog. How I want it so much in my life. And that earlier post was pretty much drenched in negativity.

I understand the world isn’t perfect. I understand that there is a lot of sadness and bad floating around out there. I also know that I can’t just ignore it, or pretend everything is peachy. Because it isn't, and I still firmly believe that it never will be. But at the same time I can’t save the world. As much as I wish I could, I can’t. The only thing I can do is help when I’m able. Pray for those hurting and suffering. Be kind to others. And teach my child to not be a hateful person. To be loving, gentle, and kind. Because the world has enough bad out there.

Let It Go, For Changes Always Come…

Part Two

LETTING  GO
By T.D. Jakes


There are people who can walk away from you.
And hear me when I tell you this! When people can walk away from you:
let them walk. I don't want you to try to talk another person into
staying with you, loving you, calling you, caring about you, coming to
see you, staying attached to you. I mean hang up the phone.
When people can walk away from you let them walk. Your destiny is never
tied to anybody that left.
The bible said that, they came out from us that it might be made
manifest that they were not for us. For had they been of us, no doubt
they would have continued with us. [1 John 2:19]
People leave you because they are not joined to you. And if they are not
joined to you, you can't make them stay.
Let them go.
And it doesn't mean that they are a bad person it just means that their
part in the story is over. And you've got to know when people's part in
your story is over so that you don't keep trying to raise the dead..
You've got to know when it's dead.
You've got to know when it's over. Let me tell you something.. I've got
the gift of good-bye. It's the tenth spiritual gift, I believe in
good-bye.. It's not that I'm hateful, it's that I'm faithful, and I know
whatever God means for me to have He'll give it to me. And if it takes
too much sweat I don't need it. Stop begging people to stay...
Let them go!!


If you are holding on to something that doesn't belong to you and was never
intended for your life, then you need to... LET IT GO!!!

If you are holding on to past hurts and pains...LET IT GO!!!

If someone can't treat you right, love you back, and see your
worth...LET IT GO!!!

If someone has angered you...
LET IT GO!!!

If you are holding on to some thoughts of evil and revenge... LET IT GO!!!

If you are involved in a wrong relationship or addiction...
LET IT GO!!!

If you are holding on to a job that no longer meets your needs or
talents...
LET IT GO!!! 

If you have a bad attitude...
LET IT GO!!!

If you keep judging others to make yourself feel better...LET IT GO!!!

If you're stuck in the past and God is trying to take you to a new level
in Him...LET IT GO!!!

If you are struggling with the healing of a broken relationship... LET IT GO!!!

If you keep trying to help someone who won't even try to help
themselves...
LET IT GO!!!

If you're feeling depressed and stressed ...LET IT GO!!!

If there is a particular situation that you are so used to handling yourself
and God is saying 'take your hands off of it,' then you need to...
LET IT GO!!!

'The Battle is the Lord's!'