Positivity

Yesterday, I was a bit angry. The previous post reflects that. Since this whole ordeal began back in October, I have spent countless hours with a counselor. We've worked a lot on boundaries, keeping myself positive, and no matter what looking out for my own well being. Because self care should be a big priority if I want to be a good mom, spouse, and all around human. If that means taking a few minutes out of my day to do guided mediation, watch a movie that I love, or even allow my parents to keep my daughter for a sleepover every once in awhile then I should do it. And for the most part (recently) I had been pretty positive about my whole situation. Whatever the outcome. 

Unfortunately, there has been a lot of drama being brought into my life. There was a point where I was at peace, my life was simple, and the days had started to feel better. I felt stronger, and I wasn't holding onto the anger anymore. Lately though, it just seems like this huge pile of negative keeps crashing into me. There's always something that seems to be going on, that brings on the dramatics of those around me. Someone who wants to cut me down. Someone who wants to create anything out of nothing at all. And, as previously stated, there are those who want to always be in my business. Those who think they know me based on what  I share. It's so fucking draining. Since March 1st it just seems like I keep going backwards, and all of the progress I made before is slowly fading. And that's not the direction I want to be headed in.

Before all of this I had actually been ready to start writing again. I had been looking at new blog designs, and jotting down topics/events that I'd like to share. I have so much to catch up on too! My current school situation, my daughter's impending surgery, a playlist that saved me during some of the worst days, and many birthday parties.  I have plenty of pictures that I'd love to share, and to just be writing stuff down again would be nice. This blog was always something I enjoyed keeping up with, and I've always prided myself in being an open book. However, recent events make me question whether that's even a good thing anymore? This isn't just about the person who made some nasty remarks, either. My skin is tougher than that. This is something that goes for all of my social media platforms. How much should I share? Where do I draw the line these days? Can I even find that balance again?

Before I was concerned with my daughter's privacy. I found a pretty good solution for that, watermarks and limited facial visibility. Now I'm concerned with myself. Not in a "fearing for my safety" kind of way. But more in a "I'm over the bullshit" kind of way. I don't want anything in my life that is only going to bring me down. I don't really use Facebook much anymore for that reason. My Instagram posts are usually days if not weeks apart because I often spend my time in the moment rather than posting about it. And all other social accounts I hardly ever use. So, I'm wondering if I should start deactivating accounts? Should I retire this blog? Switch it over to private? Maybe head over to WordPress and only allow the viewers I want? Would I be better off switching up the dialogue? I want to bring back all of the positive changes that I was experiencing, and share those. I want to bring back my happy place, and somehow pass that along. No scheduled posts; no bullshit. Just a lot of living life, and GOOD VIBES. I have no idea how to really go about that at this moment, but I'll definitely need to think about all of this before I make a decision.

Until then, I'm just going to restart those practices that I had been doing before. I'm going to take some time for myself. I'm going to enjoy my days, and the time I spend with my child. I'm going to put as much positive out there as I possibly can. Because that's the energy, and the life I want in return.

Be Sure

As with all life changing decisions, they shouldn't be made on a whim. Sometimes, it's hard for me to remember that. I shouldn't make any decisions while angry or when I'm upset. I have to be patient, and remember that all things end up being revealed in the end on their own time. But that doesn't change the battle I’m going through now; at this very moment. It doesn't change the hurt I feel, or the wave of disappointment that washes over me. It doesn't change the fact that SOMETHING needs to be decided or life won’t change for the better. 

As much as I want balance, strength, and a level head to help guide me in the right direction I know that things will not be that simple. I wish I could tell all of you what exactly I was talking about because I hate being so cryptic, and vague. But, I can’t. At least not until I've decided what should be done. Which door to open and hold on to for dear life. I know that I’m going to suffer a bit. I haven’t even really thrown myself into this yet and I already feel emotionally spent, and exhausted. I can only imagine what it will feel like if this takes me months to act on, which I'm certain it will. But this is something I have to go through. On my own. Having more opinions and input thrown at me will only cloud up my mind; making this harder. And I've realized that this is something that only I can decide for myself. As empowering as that is it’s also still really scary. Not knowing what lies on the other side of either decisions has me taking a step back. 

But I’m committed to doing away with negativity. I’m committed to being more at peace with myself, and to only chase after paths that will bring a positive change into my life as well as my family’s. That said, it still doesn't make this any easier. The repercussions of either decision will ripple out and effect so many others. And I’m not even sure if I’m ready for that? If I even want to set that in motion. So for now, I’m just praying for a clear mind and a clear heart. And I’m asking you to send me some positive energy, because I’ll need it. This decision may take months or even a year to decide on, but when it’s time I want to make sure that I've thought everything through. I want to be absolutely certain that this is the right thing for me; for us. 

I want to be sure.

Negativity Crept Up On Me

Ok. I got a little upset earlier, if you couldn’t tell. Sorry. I don’t know why I let things get to me the way that they do. I think one of the main reasons why I get so emotional is because I’m a mom. Crappy excuse, I know. But I sometimes find myself looking at things as if they were happening to me. To my family. I put myself in other people’s shoes so to speak. And this morning, when I saw the pictures of those women and children, I was bawling my eyes out. It’s strange, but it’s as if for a slight second, I can feel a bit of their pain. Especially the mothers. That said, I apologize for being so negative. I always talk about how I want positivity on this blog. How I want it so much in my life. And that earlier post was pretty much drenched in negativity.

I understand the world isn’t perfect. I understand that there is a lot of sadness and bad floating around out there. I also know that I can’t just ignore it, or pretend everything is peachy. Because it isn't, and I still firmly believe that it never will be. But at the same time I can’t save the world. As much as I wish I could, I can’t. The only thing I can do is help when I’m able. Pray for those hurting and suffering. Be kind to others. And teach my child to not be a hateful person. To be loving, gentle, and kind. Because the world has enough bad out there.