Daddy's Early Christmas Present

A year and a half ago my dad's Boston terrier was stolen. He says he remembers seeing a car that would pass by their home repeatedly. They'd always stop a little ways down their side road and then turn back around. He remembers how after Brinks disappeared he never saw that car again. His blood would still boil just at the thought of someone taking him right from their yard while he was inside getting the dogs treats. Anytime we'd see a Boston, we'd instinctively call out "Brinks-y?! Brinks is that you boy?!" But, it never was. 

Brinks

So recently, I got the bright idea to get my dad another Boston. Of course none out there could ever replace my dad's original buddy, but he really loves Boston terriers. The only thing holding him back was that my MOTHER did not want him spending so much on a dog, and well she's not really an animal person. Like, at all. However, if someone were to gift him the dog, well that would be a different story. So, one day I asked my brother and sister-in-law if they'd want to throw in with me to get my dad another dog, and they agreed! 

The search was on! I started to look into puppies as well as adults. There are definitely pros and cons to each, but ultimately we found two siblings that were right in between. Two males that were six months old, and the lady was willing to hold on to them until we were ready to pick one out/up. The original plan was for us to wait until Christmas before we gave him the dog that we'd chosen. My brother and sister-in-law will be on vacation to Costa Rica which my brother said was perfect timing so he'd get to avoid my mother's wrath. But when we went to go pick one out and give the lady a deposit, my brother had a change of heart. I'm thinking he fell in love with the smushy face, not that he'll ever admit to it. :) 

So, everyone, I'd like you to meet "Chavo". Emery started calling him that, so my dad decided that would be his name. A little background on his name: it's a character that this really famous Mexican actor, who had passed away the night before we got the puppy, played which Emery loves. It's also a show that my dad grew up watching.  And yes, my dad was ecstatic, and a bit emotional when he realized what we'd done. The smile on his face when he walked out and realized what we had for him was priceless. It was to the point that he started to tear up, and his smile was so big! And if you know anything about us, you know that this is very rare because my father and I are known for looking like we're mad 80% of the time. What can I say, we give good "bitch face". And I'm happy to report that this little guy has not left my dads side. Surprisingly, my mother has also been really supportive and open to having this little one INSIDE. And that's even more rare than my father and I smiling. It's been a few days now and Chavo is adapting pretty well. Looking back I don't know why we didn't do this sooner, but I'm really glad that we finally did! It was definitely time for him to get a new sidekick, and it's awesome that we could be a part of that.

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Wordless Wednesday

Winter, Summer, Fall?

Central Texas has been very finicky this year in respect to it's weather. I keep hearing that we'll be in for a long, cold, hard winter, but all we've seen so far is a bipolar hot and cold effect. Two weeks ago we had our heaters running while enjoying the long awaited sweater weather, and then we went back to air conditioners and shorts. I can honestly say I'm completely over it though. I'm ready for a permanent season cold front. Not because I enjoy it, I don't, but because we keep getting sick with all of this back and forth! 

It's already December first, and just this past week we hit a high of 80° F. Yesterday, we were wearing capri's and short sleeve shirts and today the high is 40° F. The wind knocked down a lot of our Christmas lights, and majority of the trees are now bare. And this happened all over night! I woke up with a sore throat, and Emery with a cough. So yes, I'm ready for steady weather of any kind so long as it's constant until Spring time. 

On the bright side, our Sunday was pretty perfect. We enjoyed an abundance of sunshine, and warm temperatures. We hung up our Christmas lights and outside decorations. I refused to put up the tree until it was actually December so we still have that left to do. We had breakfast at my parents, installed our propane heaters, enjoyed a walk, visited some friends, and finally just relaxed while watching a movie before bed. This four day weekend was really exciting, and had us driving all over. Thanksgiving brought us a lot of wonderful food with a lot of wonderful people. So, having a lazy relaxing day before going back to work and school was exactly what we needed. 

Now it's back to our regular routine. Thankfully, I only have a week left of school before winter break. Oh! And I also get to graduate next spring as long as I pass my classes! This means that I'll get to start on my bachelors degree at the university closer to home! We'll also get to sign up as doggy fosters (that's a post for another time), and maybe...just maybe...consider another baby (another post for another time). Until then, I hope everyone had a wonderful Thanksgiving Holiday!

I Hope I'm Doing This Right...

Emery has grown so much, in so many different ways, in the past few months. There are times when I'm not sure how I'll ever catch up. Preschool has been amazing for her, and I'm really glad that we waited until she was four before putting her in it. I think she had just the right balance of being at home, and learning from our very mixed cultural family to prepare her for being around children and adults of different backgrounds. She's so open to a lot of things, and she gets excited when she's presented with something new to learn. I'm happy to see that she doesn't treat anyone differently, and when she sees others do so she quickly lets them know that it isn't right. I am so proud, and if this seems a bit like bragging, just know that I am. A little bit. But that's what parents are allowed to do from time to time, right? 
One day at the beginning of October the teachers pulled me aside, and told me that she was really well mannered and really a head of some of the other kids. I walked away letting out a huge sigh of relief because up until that point I'd always had this nagging feeling that we weren't doing enough, or at the least could be doing more to prepare her for school. Not only academically but emotionally as well. Hearing that she was excelling was a huge weight off my shoulders that I hadn't realized I had been carrying around. But she's doing great! She wakes up on her school mornings so excited to see friends and learn. As soon as we are at the early care room door she gives me a quick kiss, a very loud "I LOVE YOU MOM, SEE YOU LATER!", and rushes off. When we get home it's filled with stories that they read, songs that she got to sing, and even some funny things that the other kids did. There are some days when she thinks they had too much playtime, and not enough homework which is pretty interesting. I really hope she keeps that outlook up. The attitude that she has going in, and the excitement that she exudes reassures me that she is happy. And that's all we ever want for our kids isn't it? 
She did experience her first encounter with "mean girls" which was shocking to me because they're only four. But it's out there, it happens, and if it had continued I would have had a long not-so-nice conversation with some parents. I remember the first time she came to me and told me some girls at school wouldn't allow her to play with them, and that they had told her they hated her. It completely broke my heart. I wanted nothing more than to march back down there and take her out of that class. She wasn't ready, I thought. She doesn't deserve that kind of treatment. But, then she told me what her response was and it had me smiling. "Mom, I just did this *she shrugs* and I said: Whhhaaattt? Why would you hate me? You don't even know me silly. And then I went and played with some other kids." She handled it beautifully, don't you think? I did my best to explain that she didn't need these little girls to play with. There were plenty of others there. And I even tried to explain that those girls more than likely had no idea how hurtful the word "hate" is, or the real meaning of it. She looked at me and said "It's okay mommy. I know they don't really hate me." And a week later they were all friends. 
I still catch myself wondering if letting her navigate that particular issue in her own way was okay. Should I have told the teachers? The parents? I know that we can't protect our children from everything because there is a great big world out there. And it's not always nice. But, this doesn't mean I want my child to be exposed to all of these things at her current age. It just so happened that this particular issue was happening to her right then. And I'm not exactly sure what that says about us adults? There isn't a manual or time table for me to follow either. I was proud that she felt comfortable enough to tell me right away what had happened. I really want that to be the case for everything that goes on as she continues to grow. Still, I wonder if I did the right thing? If I did it right? That's the thing about being a parent though, it's different for everyone. We can just pray and hope that we're doing the best that we  can to not make things worse.

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27

Yesterday, I turned 27.

As the years have come and gone I've realized that I have this fear of growing older. It's not the getting old in years, or the unavoidable death that comes with age that scares me though. It's the "living life without doing anything with it" that scares me. I had a conversation with my "sisters" this morning, about how: this is it. We do not get do overs, and we can not get any of that time back. Once it's gone...it's gone. And currently, I've been feeling as if I've done absolutely nothing with my time. 

I know that being a mother is a blessing, and it is (and will always be) my greatest achievement. But I always knew that I would be a mother. I knew that this was something I wanted for my life, and I could not have been happier on the day that this dream became a reality. But now what? What is next for me? School? I'm doing that. A good job? I have one. A home? Yup, I have that too. And these are all really great things! I know this. I know that I am so lucky to have the opportunity to pursue these goals, and to have these securities. Sometimes, I wonder if I'm being an awful person for not being content with what I already have: good health, a loving family, simple life, a beautiful & healthy daughter. And it's not that I'm NOT content with that. I know how blessed I am to have these things. But I also feel like I should be doing more. I should be aiming to accomplish more. I know that I CAN do more. And yet, I'm always in fear of pushing too far. I fear that I'm wanting too much. That I'm being too selfish. Too greedy. I'm scared that all of these dreams will always be just that: dreams.

Back in March, I touched on some of the things I hoped to do one day. Since then the list has expanded. But I'm no closer now to crossing any of those things off of my list than I was on the day I started it. And now, the goals have spread out to more than just travelling. I want to conquer a fear. I want to live in another country for a year. I want to change my eating habits for GOOD. I want to become a morning person. I want to be comfortable in my own skin. I want to change someone's life. I want to be positive, and bring a good energy to people. I want to be at peace with myself. With my life, with my choices. I want the happiness I see in my daughters eyes when she finally coaxes a snail from it's shell. The excitement shines through her in rays, and I can't help but hope that one day I'll get that excited about something again. You know? I want to be good, and feel good about what I'm doing. The years are coming and going, faster now it seems, and I have this nagging feeling in the back of my mind that I'm running out of time. Every year that I don't do or try something new is a waste. And worst of all I feel like I'm failing.

I understand that this all has to be set in motion by me. No one else out there can start the changes or start working towards these goals because they're mine alone to achieve. And there has to be something inside of me that lights that fire. At 27, I think I'm finally ready to take the initiative and find out just what that is. This is my year I think. I can feel it in pretty much every part of me, that I'm done being still. So, here's to 27! May it be filled with new adventures, new accomplishments, and a huge freakin' fire being lit under my ass. Because this is it.

Preschool

Yesterday was Emery's first day of preschool. I woke up at 5:30 am, and just held on to her as tightly as I could without waking her. I stared at her little features; those cheeks and the button nose. I gently counted her little fingers and toes. I watched as she made some of the same faces in her sleep as she did when she was a baby. God, I wanted to stay in that moment forever.  To me, this is the true beginning of change. It's also the reality that my daughter is really growing up. Now I'm not a crazy person that truly believes her daughter would stay little forever. That's not what I'm really mourning (at least I don't think it is). What is really hitting me is that all of those little moments and milestones have come and gone. There is no more going back, and we're about to hit the ground running. Full speed ahead. You see, when she was three months I was comforted by knowing that she would still be in that "baby state" for a few more months at the least. I'd get to enjoy it longer. Now, she's changing and growing in so many different ways...daily. She's losing those baby features too. And of course children always need their parents, but I had to ask her twice to let me get her dressed for school. To which she replied "Ugh. Mooom. I can do it by myself." Well, I know you can kid, but just let mom do it one last time. FYI: She did!  So there I was, having an itty bitty pity party for myself when I whispered "It's your first day of school, little." She sprang up from bed with a "MOM! It's my first day of school! I have to get dressed! We can't be late mom!! Hurry!" I don't think I've ever had such a quick morning in my life. She brushed her teeth, found her shoes, and had her back pack ready to go well before it was time to leave. She grabbed the keys, and all but shoved me out the door. When we arrived at her school we had about 10 minutes before early care started. So, I went over how she needed to be nice to the other kids. Tackling someone just to sit on them was a no-no. Listen to the teachers. Try not to be rude. Please let an adult know if you need to go potty. etc, etc. As we walked in, she greeted everyone with a "Good morning!" or a "Hello!" I turned in her completed admissions paper work, and walked with her to the early care room. I said goodbye, and she gave me a kiss. As I walked away she said "Love you, mom." I made it to the parking lot before shedding some tears. 

Since my father doesn't work during the week he'll be the one to pick her up on the days she has school. But it being her first day and all I decided to meet him there to show him how to sign her out. I also wanted to see how her first day had gone. Once we arrived I was  informed by one of her teachers that there were a few tears in early care after I had left. Is it completely horrible that I was a teeny tiny bit glad about this? But they quickly dissipated once she was taken into her regular room (the one she spent time in at the teacher meet/greet). I was told she did really well, and was very interactive with all of the other kids. When I asked her about her day she quickly told me about the crying. Then just as quickly she stated she would not cry the next time because it wasn't so bad. She had plenty of stories to share and let me know that she made friends. This is completely bittersweet to me. I am so proud of her, and I cannot wait to see how much she accomplishes and learns this year. Getting to see my little girl grow, and learn is a really amazing experience! It's a blessing that I'm thankful for each and every day. And yet, I can't help but feel this small tug on my heart that's reminding me: This is it. This is the first and last time that she'll be just like this. Tomorrow she'll be a little bit more different. I wish I could prolong it. I wish I could pause it just for a few moments. Or bottle it up to carry it with me always. However, since that's out of the question, I'll just have to learn to pay extra close attention. I'll have to make sure that I don't miss a single thing as Emery embarks on her new adventure. 

Life Lately

Two weeks from today I'll go into my second to last semester (fingers crossed) of college. Then it'll be off to a University a lot closer to home. Two weeks from today Emery will be getting ready to head off to her first day of Pre-K. I can't believe that this summer is almost over, and yet I can't wait for fall to begin. It's been really hot and dry this summer. We've had one thing after another fail at this new house, which was of no fault to anyone really, just things that needed to be fixed. We've fostered two dogs, and the last one is "this close" to being in his forever home with my parents. I'm so ready to be back to a one dog house. Without even realizing it summer kind of just flew by. Here's a little glimpse into it:

We saw an old friend of ours play at a local bar. Emery decided she wanted her ears pierced. We were asked to be in the 4th of July parade. Draco has gotten bigger since the last time you guys saw him. We've spent every other weekend at the local flea market; enjoying roasted corn and snow cones. For Christina's birthday we all went out to see the Toadies play at a local venue which was pretty awesome! Emery officially finished her swimming lessons two weeks ago. Next year, the teacher will not be doing these classes, but she enjoyed Emery so much that she offered to give her private lessons next year! Since Emery is pretty bonded with her we've decided to go ahead and plan for that. Christina's last week with us ended on Friday. It was awesome of her to stay with us and I'm super grateful for her. Our summer would have been a lot different if she hadn't stepped up to help us. Thank you, Stina!! Now it's back to finding a schedule that works for us again. This is one of the things I absolutely hate about going to school so far away. Our lives get interrupted, and Emery goes through a rough adjustment period. But it has to be done, and I'm glad that I'm almost finished at this school. I just have to hold on a bit longer. So, here we go again! And from my family to yours, we hope everyone's had a wonderful summer! 

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One Day I'll Get Back To This Space

The last post I actually posted was back in May. Crazy. Time is just slipping by and as I've stated before I don't ever want to have "filler" posts. That is why I haven't really written anything. There are a few drafts that I've been entirely too lazy to upload pictures from my camera for, so they just sit there, patiently. Life around here has been pretty slow and boring. I'm loving it! There hasn't been a lot going on for us, so for the time being things will stay pretty quiet around here.

The one "big thing" underway was mentioned in the last post. I talked a lot about us moving to a new house, and how it would be ready soon. Well, that time has quickly come and this last week of June has been filled with a sense of rushing. Does that make sense? A lot has been done and now we're just waiting for some projects to be finished up. The bathroom remodel will be done today, the gate for the backyard was replaced yesterday, the living room flooring will be installed tomorrow, and we've slowly been painting the inside throughout this whole time. So I guess it has been a busy few weeks, huh? We also discovered that we'll have to buy a "new" stove since the new house runs on gas. We've calculated deposits and fees that will have to be given in order to transfer all of our utilities, and open others for the new house which is also a pretty big reason why we haven't really been doing a lot this month. I've deemed today "packing day" and if all goes as planned we hope to be living in our new house by the 30th.

Other than that, things have been really uneventful. Emery started swimming lessons. My sister-in-law, Christina, has been staying with us during the week as a "live in" babysitter while our lovely Tere is visiting family. Work has finally evened out enough for me to catch my breath and I've started running again. I'm currently on a 5 day cleanse that has turned me into a super saiyan bitch, because don't we all when we're not getting to eat food? It ends tomorrow just in time for the moving out/in weekend which can only mean two things: PIZZA AND BEER WINE! And that's about all I have for now. I really hope I get back into the habit of posting a bit more. Often  I think of something or I capture the perfect picture that I'd like to share, but I never quite make it to my computer. There's always something that comes up, something  that needs finishing, or a toddler that wants to be held just because. And really, why would anyone say no to that? Until then though, I really hope everyone is having a lovely summer.

Moving...again...

Things have been really quiet around here lately, and yet really really loud with change. A month ago, out of nowhere, our landlord told us that the house we were in was up for sale and that they were moving. This was quickly followed by, "Do you mind if I and some potential buyers come in?" Thankfully, we had been cleaning all morning and almost done because thirty minutes later there was a knock on our door. This happened frequently during the weeks that followed so I was in a constant state of cleaning. Do you know how exhausting that is? And I was also feeling really...vulnerable? Here were these strangers roaming freely through out our house, looking at our things, and I had no control over it.

As all of this was going on I was also stressing over finding a new place to live. Our landlord told us if we needed to terminate the lease earlier then we could do so because this was something very unexpected. So when I say that we were lucky to find the house we're in, at the monthly price we did, I am not at all exaggerating. Finding anything this cheap again, and in such great condition would be really hard to do. And yet not entirely impossible because two weeks later my mother called to tell me a friend of hers was in the processes of closing on a house and she was looking for potential renters! My mom had told her about our situation, and so she offered to let us see the house as soon as she was able to. When we were finally able to see it I became a little excited, and a lot relieved. It's in a quieter neighborhood, and we would have two police officers as neighbors. THAT could go either way; pro or con! After talking to her some more she told us that the rent would be the same, and there would be no deposit. It would be ready in a month, and if we wanted it we had first pick. I was completely floored. That afternoon I went home feeling so thankful, and blessed. How could I not? Things were clicking in place for us. We were being shown kindness, and being given opportunities that don't come around very often. I let them know that evening that we were very interested in the house, and they told us they would hold it for us.

That same night our landlord told us that the house had sold. She wasn't sure what they would be doing with it, but she had let them know that our contract ran through the end of July so we had until then to figure something out. So imagine my surprise when I have the previous owner and the new owners knocking on my door wanting to speak with us about our lease last week. My initial thoughts were somewhere along the lines of "Well, shit. I guess we'll be leaving earlier than planned." But instead, they told us that they wanted us to stay in the home. We had a good relationship with the previous owner, and she talked very highly about us. They said we could live there for as long as we wanted under no contract. The cost would be the same because they were not looking to raise our rent. Again, I was floored. There are people out there who have a hard time finding one home and here we were being offered two.

But we had already agreed to the new house. And even though we had not signed a contract I really didn't want to back out. The house, though a bit smaller, still had many pros for us to consider. Both of the places are wonderful and I really hate moving, but I think it'll be a good thing. I think the new house will require less up keep, and we won't have to worry about people driving 60 mph in a 30 mph zone. I like that the backyard is completely fenced in, and there's a back porch. The landlord has also given me permission to paint, strip, and basically do whatever else I'd like to with the new house. So here we go, again. A new house; a change. Something different, and a tiny bit exciting. As awesome as all of this is I'm really hoping that this new house is where we stay for awhile.

Wordless Wednesday

One

It's "baby season" around here. Lately, we've had a few friends announce pregnancies, and others that have recently given birth. To say that I've had a sudden case of "baby fever", would be an understatement. My want for another child has pretty much sent my body into this weird "fake pregnancy" state. I was sore, really tired, I had bad cramps, and I constantly felt bloated. That last one could be because I've recently started handling my emotions by stuffing my face though. I've caught myself trying to think of good reasons to add to our family: I'm not getting any younger. My husband really wants to try for a boy. etc. etc.  I've also gone as far as to say that Emery needs a sibling because she needs to learn how to share. You know, because preschool couldn't possibly teach her that, right? I'm fully aware that I'm grasping at straws here. The idea of having another baby is just so enticing, and I would really really love to experience it all over again. Only this time it would be 100x different because I'm in a better place. Mentally, physically, and emotionally I am in a completely different mind set than I was when I had Emery. Who knows, I might even ENJOY it the second time around.

However, in my heart I know that we will not be adding a fourth member to our family; knowingly. When I talk to my mother about these things she always says that no matter how many preventative measures I take, if God wants me to have another child it will happen. And two night ago as I sat on the bathroom floor, waiting for the three full minutes it says to wait on the back of the box to pass by, I let myself think that maybe...just maybe God's plan was starting now. The test turned up negative, of course. I sat there and let out a little sigh of disappointment, even though I knew it was for the best, and I continued on with my evening. But you see, I know that it will have to take some form of miraculous or accidental intervention for me to conceive because I take every precaution to ensure that I don't. Sometimes I feel completely angered by this decision though. Here I am trying to be responsible, and in order to do so I must set one of my desires aside. So the dreams of a swollen belly, of baby's breath, and my daughter becoming a big sister will always be just that...dreams. 

I'm currently, and slowly learning to be okay with this. I'm learning to be thankful for the daughter I do have. She's healthy and beautiful. She's wonderful and full of adventure. She's my heart and soul in living form! There is so much more I am able to offer her that I wouldn't if we did have another child right now, and I'm grateful for that blessing. So, I'm trying my hardest to accept the responsibilities I feel I need to uphold. I'm trying my best to think of the bigger picture, and not cave into my selfish wants. I know that our family as a whole, is not ready for another member. I'm not exactly sure if we'll ever be. Financially, emotionally, and mentally we are not all in the right place at the moment. One day that might change, or it might not. And that's okay. Some days are harder than others though. But in the end, I know that my actions are the correct ones. Our daughter was not planned, and as much as I love her I wish that I had been better. I wish that I had experienced a different pregnancy, and that I had brought her into a home life that wasn't so angry and tumultuous. That was completely unfair to her, and it breaks my heart to know that she was born into that. So if there aren't any interventions, and one day we do get to plan on having another child, I'll be blissfully content knowing that we are doing so because we are ready to bring them into a home that is at peace. Until then, I'm going to fully enjoy and love my one and only.

Wordless Wednesday

#RedBalloonsforRyan

Today, as I checked my instagram feed I saw that several people within the blogging community were sharing these pictures of a beautiful, fiery red-haired, little boy. A smile that I could just hear the giggles coming from even though I had never actually heard them before in my life graced my dashboard. In fact, up until this morning I had never seen him, or read his mother’s blog. However, all of these posts were asking for support. For prayer and words of encouragement as these two parents grieved for the loss of their precious baby boy. They asked the readers and followers to wear red, to release red balloons, or just share words of comfort for the family. So I will, and now I pass this on to you. 

To read more about this story please visit Alissa Circle's blog, Diary of an Addict. If you would like to help the Saldana family by making a donation you can go here, or through this blog directly. To make a purchase in Ryan's honor, with proceeds going to the family, you can go here, or find a list of other stores here. Alissa has asked that any words of support & prayer spread through social media be tagged #RedBalloonsforRyan.  

I cannot imagine the pain this family is going through. This story breaks my heart, and I couldn't possibly put into eloquent enough words the pain I feel for them. Instead, I'll just put them in my prayers tonight. I'll wear red tomorrow, and I'll do something to pay it forward in honor of Ryan, the wonderful little light, gone far too soon.  


p.s. The photos of the family were taken from Jacqui's instagram (Ryan's mom). You can click the pictures for the source. The #redballoonsforryan banner was taken from a repost on instagram, so I am not sure who originally created it. 

Family Portraits

On Easter, our lovely and talented cousin Taylor graciously accepted my request to take a few family pictures with her camera because mine was being a butt. Instead of quickly grabbing a few "snapshots", she decided to go all out, and gave us a little mini-photo session. Unfortunately, Emery hardly wanted to cooperate, so we ended up with only a handful of good ones. Still, I'm truly thankful for our cousin who took the time out of her day to give me these lovely memories. Here's a little sneak peak at what we got:

These are "rough cuts" which means that they are originals. The only thing added was the tag. I know that Taylor plans on applying filters, and I can't wait to get those in! :)  

Adjustments in The Works

I have this whole other post written up and ready to go. Unfortunately, I feel like, by posting it I may jinx all the progress/hope that's within it. So instead, let me just say: Hello.

Life for us has been busy. Exams have started this week and finals are next week. I have a, now, ten-twelve page essay due by next Monday which I still haven't figured out the conclusion to. My husband is slowly getting better, but that does not mean we haven't had a few bumps along the way. There's just so much that needs working out and I feel exhausted just thinking about it. My daughter has hit an all time high on the "whiny" meter. It seems like nothing and everything we do is wrong and a cause for tears. I can honestly and lovingly say that I have been put through many tests these past few weeks. But I'm grateful for them.

Earlier this year we had discussed vacation plans. We had hoped to plan a trip out to California sometime this summer, but recent developments have caused us to set those hopes to the side. For now. Then, we decided to just visit some local amusement parks. Maybe check out some other zoos and aquariums. We decided to just keep things within Texas. And now, plans are changing yet again. Our landlord kind of dropped a bomb on us this weekend that we didn't see coming. This means change is unavoidable and our extra money will have to be saved. I'll explain more about this topic later.

And finally, change hasn't just been happening in my personal life but in my work life as well. I was recently asked to take on some different responsibilities at my work which will require my undivided attention & dedication. I was asked to sit in and help choose a replacement for my current position, and we've finally decided. So, as of the 5th of May I'll be changing directions within our little company. This is slightly scary and yet a bit exciting. I'm happy and welcoming of this change. I had been feeling a bit, unfulfilled when it came to my work lately. I'm hoping that this new direction will give me a bit of a "refreshment" and renewed since of achievement. Fingers crossed that I do a good job!

Now, I sit here sighing. I am truly grateful that this is all happening at the end of my semester rather than right smack in the middle of it. I'm excited for my semester to be over too. I've been feeling really burnt out lately. Summer is always a nice time to recharge my batteries and I plan on taking full advantage of it. I'm excited to just have one priority; my job. I'm excited for summer to begin. I'm excited for a slower pace. A lot will be changing in the next few months, and I could really use the time off to just adjust all over again. So, yes...I'm ready.

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Brave

What do you do when you're life is a complete mess? Do you bow out and give up? Do you completely change your environment? Do you chip away at the issues, little by little? Well, what if no matter how much you try to make things better, there's always something in the way? Something or someone who holds you back? I'm sure the normal response would be to just remove that thing or person from your life, right? Remove the negativity, start fresh. Only then can you move forward. But what do you do, when that person, is your spouse?

It's Starting...

Since we moved into town we've been pretty preoccupied with getting settled and figuring out the best routine that works for us. I'm still in the process of putting left over stuff in storage and up-cycling some furniture that we desperately need in order to keep our house organized. Our clothes currently reside in separate laundry baskets. So even though we've seen most of our surrounding neighbors we haven't really gotten to know them. And I won't lie, I really haven't put in the effort to get to know them either. How un-neighborly of me I know. But recently, we've had a little boy come over every afternoon to ask for Emery. And this has just made me all...frazzled?

I know that Emery making friends is a good thing. I also know that I don't want to be a "helicopter parent" because I believe that's just hurting your kids more in the long run. But, I can't believe we're already getting to that stage. You know the one where your kid(s) asking you constantly "Can I go out and play with *insert other kids name here*?" rather than just chill at home with you. I get that it's bound to happen, but c'mon she's FOUR! I guess I assumed that we still had at least another year before "friends" would be a huge deal. Alas, we've been getting a lot of: "Mom can **** come over and watch a movie?" or "Mom can I go and jump on the trampoline with ****?" And if we say no, there is A LOT of pouting being done. Sometimes, some huffing and on occasion some crying.

Unfortunately, because of this recent development my fears and paranoia have hit an all time high. We live in a small town, but even this small town has it's "rough" side. In fact, it has two. And can you guess where our neighborhood is? Yup, about three blocks away from one of them. So, anytime Emery is outside either my husband or I have to be watching her at all times. This is probably considered "helicopter parenting", but again I will repeat, she is FOUR. Apparently, this is strange for the little boy who's always wanting her to go outside and play. He's even vocalized the "weirdness" of us "always watching" and not letting her play outside by herself. The poor kid has no idea that by making such statements, it only made things a lot worse. 

You see, this little dude is seven years old. SEVEN. Now, I know that not everyone out there are a bunch of perverts but honestly you never know. I have no idea what his family life is like or what he's allowed to watch. Or what he's not but does anyway. I've met his parents once in passing and I try to hold off my judgement of other people because we all parent differently. That said we've been here for almost two months now and we've noticed that the two youngest get left at home ALONE for very long periods of time a lot. Again, not my business.They also have several cookouts throughout the week that consists of many males of various ages, and a lot of liquor and beer. I know that this could all be completely innocent. A bunch of compadres kicking it after a long day at work? I've also considered that my mind could be getting the best of me, but I'm just not willing to allow my daughter to "hang out" or be anywhere near them unsupervised. Ever. 

This kid is persistent though. He comes over EVERY afternoon. And he questions everything too. If we don't allow Emery outside then he wants to know why? And if he can't convince us to let her out then he asks if he can come in and watch TV with us. Since I can't really tell him no, I usually let him in with a curfew of 8:30. So, this had me thinking that maybe he's lonely? Maybe he's just curious? Maybe he's not given attention at home? But then again this little boy isn't all that innocent either. I caught him & his older brother lying on the first day that he came over. We had bought Frozen and some pizza when he came knocking on our door to see if Emery could come out. It was almost 7:30 and the sun was going down so I told him she couldn't. Instead I invited him to join us for the movie and pizza if he okay'd it with his parents first. That little stinker left for 5 minutes, came back, and said his mom was fine with it. About thirty minutes later I witnessed his mother and father pull up. Maybe he called them? Ten minutes later the oldest is running over, knocking on our door looking embarrassed, and telling us that his brother needs to get home. 

I know that they're only kids. I know that Emery's going to make friends, some good and some not so good. I know that this is all part of her growing up. And unless I lock her up in her room (which I may or may not have considered) there really is no avoiding this. In fact, it's probably going to get worse. Eventually she's going to want to hang out away from home. Gees, my heart just jumped at the thought. But this is all new territory for us! My husband and I were discussing what we should do about this kid and we weren't entirely too sure how to go about dealing with him. I mean, can you even deal with a seven year old? Do we just take it day by day? Do we let him know that Emery has rules at home that she can't break? Do we talk with his parents? How do we not come off as insulting when we tell them all interactions between our kids should be supervised? There are sooo many things to considered and think about. And quite frankly it's giving me a migraine.

Listen

Texas, I Do Love You

(music, while you read this post)

I realized that as much as I talk about California I'm kind of making it seem as though I hate Texas. This is not the case though. I love Texas. I'm proud to have been born and raised a Texan. A Tejana, through and through. I have my own pair of cowboy boots that I wear daily. As much as I'd like to become a vegetarian, I love meat too much. Sorry folks, I just can't quit it. "Y'all" is very much a part of my every day vocabulary. Sometimes my sentences are a mix of English and Spanish: "Andale! mija, lets go!" I firmly believe in addressing my elders with a "ma'am" or "sir". And yes, my accent can get pretty thick. When people ask where I'm from, I proudly name Texas as my state. Because, honestly, I feel like my state is the best one to grow up in. I'm truly proud of where I come from. 

I love our flat lands, and rolling hills.I think we have some of the best sunsets and sunrises than anywhere else.  I absolutely love the wide open spaces! I love our gun laws, and big trucks. I really do. I love how we all come together to support each other in the small communities just as well as statewide. I love that we are all pretty friendly. We're always waving at one another, regardless of whether or not we actually know each other. I like that in many places, your neighbor is a good mile away from you. As my brother once said "If I want to pee off the back porch, I can, and no one will ever see!" Ha! I like how our summers get hot and there are Popsicle's being eaten at breakfast, lunch, and dinner. I love that it's fully acceptable to have your kids running through the water sprinklers in your front yard in their undies during the summer.  I like that you'll see many of us cooking out on the grill even during the winter. And lets not forget that no one does BBQ like us either. You haven't lived, if you haven't had some good ole Texas BBQ!  

This is also where my family resides. As many of you know I come from a big family, and an even bigger "adopted" family. Anyone who walks through our doors, is instantly considered a member. We have many cook outs, and family dinners year round. We all live so close by that we don't go a whole week without seeing each other. We constantly invite others to join us, and we get to just sit around talking; laughing. We do a lot of things together too. Whether it's going to the grocery store or to the movies. Some of the best times I've had have been sitting in the car taking a "road trip" to shop at Lowe's with my entire family. And when I was first told "it takes a village to raise I child" I was really skeptical of it's meaning. But, now I know the truth of it. My village is my family, and they have helped us out so much! Emery is being introduced to many great things and cultures because of who we surround her with. And even though we may not have the reputation for it there really is a lot of diversity here too. I couldn't be happier about Emery getting the chance to grow among the same places and people that I did.

Texas is and will always be my home. I'm proud to say that it's shaped who I've become. So yes, my heart will always be here with the family and community that raised me. This doesn't mean that I'll always live here. It doesn't mean that I'm any less of a Texan for wanting to go explore other places. Or for wanting to live somewhere else. Some people will never leave their hometowns, and that's okay. Other's do, and that's okay too. But no matter where I go, I will always take Texas with me. It'll be in my words, and my drawl. It'll be in the way I choose to eat my steak with my hands rather than a fork and knife. It'll be in the sweet tea I choose to keep brewed. It'll be in that song I play so often by a little band from Texas that I adore. It'll be in the photographs I place throughout my house of the family I love so much. It'll be in the stories I tell of "back home" with new friends we meet. It'll be in my outlook of the world, and the respect I show to others. Because Texas is and will always be, in me. 

"You can take the girl out of Texas, but you can't take Texas out of the girl."

Wordless Wednesday

One Day

Emery does this thing where she randomly starts naming things that she wants or wants to do. Sometimes they make sense, sometimes they don't. But I always tell her that she can do WHATEVER she puts her mind to do.

"Mom, I want to grow big so I can be a big girl on skates, but I want to be small like I am now." 

"Mom, I want to go to the moon so I can fix it and then I want to talk to the stars."

"Mom, I want my hair orange like Merida."

"Mom, I want to be a mermaid so I can talk to the fish."

"Mom, I want a skateboard but I want to color it myself and can I get one that has different shapes?"

"Mom, I want to be a witch, okay? A green witch. But no hat, okay?"

"Mom, I want to ride a rainbow."

The list is endless, and she's extremely serious when she's announcing her wants. So today, I've decided that I want to create my own version of this. So, in no particular order, here goes: 

One day, I want to have a career that I'm passionate about.
One day, I want to visit Paris at Christmas.
One day, I want to live by, if not close to, the beach.
One day, I want to have another baby.
One day, I want to volunteer abroad.
One day, I want to finish college.
One day, I want to learn how to surf.
One day, I want to climb a mountain.
One day, I want to be completely debt free.
One day, I want to go skinny dipping.
One day, I want to road trip from one coast to the other.
One day, I want to jump out of a plane.
One day, I want to adopt or foster a child.
One day, I want to swim with dolphins.
One day, I want to see the Egyptian pyramids in person.
One day, I want to learn to speak French.

Now, my list could go on and on too. Most people would say that these things are achievable at this very moment. Realistically though, I know I might not necessarily achieve any of these at all unless I really work for them. For example, I'd love to have more kids, but unless something changes financially, I won't. Or, I'd love to learn how to surf, but unless I live somewhere close to the water I won't ever be able to practice enough to be any good at it. And so on, and so on. These are what I hope for, what I dream about being able to do...one day.

I'm a little ashamed to admit, but I spent a good part of my life thinking that I wouldn't do much with it. I would live in the same town, and work at the same job my entire life. I won't ever go anywhere because I can't afford it so I should just get used to viewing the world through some one else's pictures. I guess I just assumed I should be complacent, and grateful for what I have. And I am! I know just how blessed we are. I know that every day is a gift, and we shouldn't waste it by being unhappy with what we have. But I also know that wanting things can be a good thing. Having hopes, dreams, aspirations....those can be the start of something truly spectacular! 

I think my aversion to wanting more, was because it meant I would have to really try for it. Nothing in life is handed to us, we have to go out and get it. Sometimes, we also have to fail. And that right there, can be a scary thing. Inconsistency, uncertainty, unpredictability. Those words alone make me nervous. Slowly, I'm learning to be okay with this though. I'm learning to be okay with failing; with coming up short. But always knowing that I'm trying new things. Different things! I'm wanting to do more with the life that I've been given. I want to know that I'm attempting something in life. No one can say that I didn't go out and leave my print, however tiny it may end up being. 

And this is something I'm deeply passionate about teaching as well as showing my daughter. That being a dreamer is pretty awesome! Wanting to do more with your life is great! Some things we will achieve and others we will fail miserably at. BUT IT'S OKAY! Because even though we failed we still did it. It may not have been our thing but at least there are no regrets. And who knows, maybe it opened up a door to other possibilities we had never even considered. All because we wanted something, one day.

Okay, Now You're Just Being Mean

Today is a lovely day. The sun is out and the weather man is claiming that it'll be about 75 degrees out. The time change kicked in yesterday so now we're getting some extra time to enjoy all of the sunshine. The only things missing at the moment are my best friend Kami, and a beach. Which brings me to the topic of my post today. Feel free to skip this one if you're tired of hearing me talk about the west coast. :)

At the beginning of February Emery mentioned her cousin Ashlynn. She asked if we could get on a plane to go see her. After telling her that we couldn't go she just sighed and crossed her arms. Then on the weekend of Emery's birthday party, I ended up behind a huge truck that was carrying a huge yacht. The truck pulling it had an address on the side which stated that it was from Oceanside Beach, CA. A week later I came out of class and the two cars on either side of me had California license plates. Not even kidding. That following weekend I was headed into town to get some movies, and this truck with a huge "SOCAL" sticker passed me by. On my way home, the same guy passed me AGAIN. Clearly, California has been on the brain for me to be noticing all of these things. So, I get that a lot of these could be chalked up to me seeking them out. Since I miss it so much right now my brain is just noticing anything that has to do with the state. But then last Monday, I received an alert from Travelocity, informing me that they had round-trip tickets to San Diego on sale for their 48 Hour Event. I'm talkin' less than $350 per person round trip here. Unfortunately, I had to pass them up. 

Now, as much as I had hoped that we would be able to plan a visit out there for this summer, it's not looking too likely. So all of these little "signs" are just starting to seem kind of cruel. You hear that, universe? Cut your shit out! And to add salt to the wound, apparently this Flickr group I joined back when I lived in California recently gained a new administrator and they just added a bunch of pictures that of course have to pop up on my feed today. So for your enjoyment and my further torture, behold the place I used to live at and want to return to so badly but can't:

via

via

via

p.s All of the sources are located below the picture. And these are just a few that showed up on my feed. 

Workin' On My Fitness, Again.

Oh boy, has it been a looong time since I've worked out. On Saturday, our sitter asked if she could take Emery to a birthday party for this other baby that she occasionally looks after. I agreed to let her go, and I found this to be the perfect time to get in a work out. It looked a little something like this:

1. Two mile run

2. Sixty crunches

3. Two 45 sec. planks

4. Sixty leg raises

5. Forty V crunches

6. Sixty squats

7. Thirty lunges per leg (sixty total)

8. Twenty mountain climbers (this is new for me)

For the next two days I was in some pain. It's been a good five months since I've gotten in a good work out. I ran every now and then, but no where close to the distance I was covering before. I kind of feel bad that I've taken so long to get back to it, and even worse that I lost all of that progress. But seriously, it's hard to find time. I know that everyone says YOU have to make time, but for awhile there my days were starting at 5 am and ending at midnight. It was so exhausting, and the last thing I wanted to do was go work out. My body was tired, my mind was tired, and sleep was calling my name 80% of the time. So yea, I slacked off. Hard. But now, I'm trying to establish a routine again.

I had my yearly check up with my doctor, and we established that my anemia is under control as well as those stomach issues I was having. I've been sticking to my medication, and everything looks good. Unfortunately, since we adopted our puppy Draco it's been like having a newborn (only Emery wasn't like this at all so I guess this is payback for never having to go through it). So that tired feeling I keep getting is due to lack of 8 straight hours of sleep. We get up at least three times at night to let him go out, and he also cries A LOT. I'm also guessing my diet and fitness routine have something to do with it too. I've been eating a lot of junk food, take out, and like I stated before my workouts were nonexistent.

So, even though I could barely move after that ONE workout, I realized that I felt better. I was getting that energetic feeling I used to get from before, and I've always been really addicted to it. So I repeated the workout again yesterday. And guess what? Same things happened again! Now, tonight Emery has asked to join me so we won't go as far or as fast, but we'll be out there running. She's also asked to do some yoga tonight. Completely her own suggestion. She saw this DVD I had, and asked if we could do what that lady was doing. So that's the plan for this evening. Slowly but surely we are establishing a routine again! I'm pretty excited about it, and I also have a date with our local gym this weekend. I'll be looking into getting a gym membership again so I can do some weight training. Fingers crossed.

I'm feeling really good about this, y'all. I've missed feeling healthy. And with daylight savings time kicking forward again, it's just in time for me to gain a few more hours of daylight which I could really use. My classes this semester have been pretty laid back so I haven't stressed too much over them. I know I do have other stress in my life at the moment, but doing some type of physical activity before always helped to relieve them so I'm sure it'll help again. Now if only this cold weather would finally go away, things would be pretty dang perfect.

A Night Out

My husband and I hardly ever go out. I know a lot of people would say that we should do it more often because it helps to keep things fresh and interesting. It's also a good way for couples to have some one on one time, especially after they've had kids. Unfortunately for us, we live in a small town. There's really not much to do other than going to the movie theater, bar hoping, or out to eat. And let's just face it, those things get kind of old after awhile. We also live on a very tight budget, so that limits our options even more. In the end we mostly choose to stay at home, or we bring Emery along which turns it into family time. This kind of defeats the purpose of a "date night" though.

Fortunately for us, we were able to have one of our rare nights out last Friday. A friend of my husband's invited us to go watch him play with his former band for their farewell show. Apparently, the members all decided to pursue different projects so they officially decided to part ways. We bought our tickets early, and my mother agreed to watch Emery for that night. We weren't planning on being out all hours of the night, but I packed Emery an overnight bag just in case. We dropped our little munchkin off around 7:30 and made our way out to the bar.

The first thing I realized once I stepped into that place was that I am no longer twenty years old! As I get older, I think the realizations come more frequently. The older crowd stood off towards the back, and on the dance floor while the younger crowd gathered up front. It was weird to see the "line" clearly drawn and I told my husband I felt like we didn't really belong in either section. We were too young to be in the older section and yet too old to be in the younger one. My husband told me I was being silly, so I ended up moving us to the front right along side all of the babies. :-P

Now I'm picky about my country music, but a show is a show. I always like to be at the front, and by the speakers because I love getting to feel that bass running through me. If you don't think country music has bass, think again. We watched the opening band play the last half of their set, walked around and said hello to the people we knew, and then made it back around once the main band took the stage. Once they started to play, you could just tell that this was their last show. The crowd was louder, and more energetic. Everyone was singing at the top of their lungs. It got hot really quickly with all of the bodies pushing up against us, and you could still see a huge line waiting to make it's way in.

We didn't stay the entire set. Since the show had been sold out, and we could still see that line outside, we stayed for a little over half of their set before leaving. We were also up way past our bedtime, and we could feel it! So we opted to head home early in order to avoid the traffic, and grab a bite to eat. We picked Emery up before heading home and were all in bed before midnight. It was a pretty perfect night. I'm glad we were able to go out and have some fun!

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The Many Roles Take Their Toll

Fair warning, this post is nothing but ramblings. There are no updates, no pictures of my little one, and a lot of confusing blabber. This post was definitely for my benefit. You've been warned.  

I'm a mother, a wife, a student, and an employee. I have many roles in this life and lately I just feel like I don't have enough hours in the day to play them all correctly. The phrase "Oh, but I have to do this so I can't do that" seems to be uttered more times than I can count. Because in all honesty, I don't have enough time in a single day to do everything that I'd like or needs to be accomplished. More often than not, when 9 o'clock rolls around all I can think about is sleep. How much I need it; crave it. I can barely keep my eyelids open, but I have to keep pushing past that fog because shit still needs to get done. By the time the alarm rings, signaling the start of a new day, I'm left wondering if I even slept at all? That couldn't possibly have been six hours of sleep. My body is tired, and my mind is exhausted. 

I've come to realize that I've slowly slipped back into this rut. I've put myself last on this long list of things that take priority and I'm currently paying the price for it. This seems to be the story of my life, huh? Consistency is not my forte, unless it's being consistently inconsistent. And I could sit here and talk about how I wish it were. How I'll try to do better. How I want this change to happen because I need to get back on whatever wagon I've fallen off of this time. But clearly I'm not at that place in life. Which is a real shame because as much as I hate routine, I need some in my life. I currently can't have a single plan in place because SOMETHING always gets in the way. Something else ALWAYS comes up. And before I know it, I just don't have the time for anything that I'd like for myself. Whether that's exercise, a diet, to read a book, to go visit a place, or even just take a nap. It can't be done, because there's always that something else. 

I hope that, sometime soon, things settle. I hope that I get my simple life back. I hope that I can go back to eating better, working out, giving 110% to my job as well as my home. I want to do better, and be better. Who doesn't really? I guess I should at least take comfort in the fact that I know exactly what "this" is that I go through every year. It seems to happen at about the same time every year. A cycle I can't for the life of me break, yet. So I know it passes, and I know that I'll push right on through like I always do. But here, in the now, it feels never ending. It feels so exhausting, and weary. 

I know as soon as I hit publish on this post my mood will lift. Something else will preoccupy my mind and I'll move forward like I always do. Hell, I might even get out of this funk as soon as I'm done writing. But I felt like I should write it down anyway. Occasionally, for me, writing can become therapeutic in some of the most unlikely instances. This is probably why I have many many journals boxed up from my younger years. So there you have it. The inner thoughts, at this very moment, of one tired "stretched- too- thin" woman.

p.s. Feeling better already :)

Four.

This morning we woke up and got ready for our day. Our weekend was filled with birthday parties, more packing, a vet appointment, and a lot of birthday party planning. So this morning, I was just dragging. I knew I should not have stayed up so late, and then kept hitting the snooze button when my alarm went off this morning. But I was just so damn tired. It was a miracle that we were ready to go by 7:15.

However as we were leaving I kept feeling like I was forgetting something. I made another turn through the house: Draco fed and watered- check. Lights are all turned off- check. Computer in backpack- check. Emery's day bag in the car- check. Still, I knew there was something not quite right. My planner was packed, and my iPhone notifications don't go off until after 9 am every morning. But I KNEW there was something important that I was missing. When I turned around to ask Emery if she was ready, I stopped mid-sentence with a pretty loud "Are you ready to - OOOH MY GOSH! It's your BIRTHDAY! Happy Birthday my love! Omg, I can't believe it. Happy Birthday my lovely little girl!!" I looked over to my husband and asked him to confirm that today was in fact the 17th, and he said that we were officially the worst parents for almost forgetting. And then I started crying. My baby is four years old now, and I was this close to spacing on it. What the heck?!?

You see I had this whole day planned. I was going to wake up early and make a trip to the local bakery to get her a cupcake, and we were going to have a small present for her to open. Since we are having her birthday party this upcoming weekend, we weren't going to do a huge celebration. Just us three. And then we'd take her out to dinner. Only, for some reason when I woke up this morning I thought we still had a week. It wasn't until I was sitting in our driveway that I realized what the date was. And then I felt like crap for almost forgetting, and for not having that damn cupcake.

So now, I'm hoping that I can make it up to her. It's going to be another late night for us since I have classes, but she usually waits for me anyways. I'll have the present, and the cupcake. I'll even throw in a candle because I know she'll love getting to blow one out. I know people say that she won't remember this, that to her it'll be as if we're celebrating it all on her actual birthday. And maybe they're right. But, I'll know. I'll always remember that time I almost forgot. And it kind of makes me feel really awful. I mean, it's not like she's 17 years old, and I've been doing this for soooo long. No, she's only 4. Oh man, that makes me feel even worse.

So now, I just have to say: 

Happy 4th Birthday My Little Love! Mommy loves YOU very MUCH!

first picture as a four year old :)