One

It's "baby season" around here. Lately, we've had a few friends announce pregnancies, and others that have recently given birth. To say that I've had a sudden case of "baby fever", would be an understatement. My want for another child has pretty much sent my body into this weird "fake pregnancy" state. I was sore, really tired, I had bad cramps, and I constantly felt bloated. That last one could be because I've recently started handling my emotions by stuffing my face though. I've caught myself trying to think of good reasons to add to our family: I'm not getting any younger. My husband really wants to try for a boy. etc. etc.  I've also gone as far as to say that Emery needs a sibling because she needs to learn how to share. You know, because preschool couldn't possibly teach her that, right? I'm fully aware that I'm grasping at straws here. The idea of having another baby is just so enticing, and I would really really love to experience it all over again. Only this time it would be 100x different because I'm in a better place. Mentally, physically, and emotionally I am in a completely different mind set than I was when I had Emery. Who knows, I might even ENJOY it the second time around.

However, in my heart I know that we will not be adding a fourth member to our family; knowingly. When I talk to my mother about these things she always says that no matter how many preventative measures I take, if God wants me to have another child it will happen. And two night ago as I sat on the bathroom floor, waiting for the three full minutes it says to wait on the back of the box to pass by, I let myself think that maybe...just maybe God's plan was starting now. The test turned up negative, of course. I sat there and let out a little sigh of disappointment, even though I knew it was for the best, and I continued on with my evening. But you see, I know that it will have to take some form of miraculous or accidental intervention for me to conceive because I take every precaution to ensure that I don't. Sometimes I feel completely angered by this decision though. Here I am trying to be responsible, and in order to do so I must set one of my desires aside. So the dreams of a swollen belly, of baby's breath, and my daughter becoming a big sister will always be just that...dreams. 

I'm currently, and slowly learning to be okay with this. I'm learning to be thankful for the daughter I do have. She's healthy and beautiful. She's wonderful and full of adventure. She's my heart and soul in living form! There is so much more I am able to offer her that I wouldn't if we did have another child right now, and I'm grateful for that blessing. So, I'm trying my hardest to accept the responsibilities I feel I need to uphold. I'm trying my best to think of the bigger picture, and not cave into my selfish wants. I know that our family as a whole, is not ready for another member. I'm not exactly sure if we'll ever be. Financially, emotionally, and mentally we are not all in the right place at the moment. One day that might change, or it might not. And that's okay. Some days are harder than others though. But in the end, I know that my actions are the correct ones. Our daughter was not planned, and as much as I love her I wish that I had been better. I wish that I had experienced a different pregnancy, and that I had brought her into a home life that wasn't so angry and tumultuous. That was completely unfair to her, and it breaks my heart to know that she was born into that. So if there aren't any interventions, and one day we do get to plan on having another child, I'll be blissfully content knowing that we are doing so because we are ready to bring them into a home that is at peace. Until then, I'm going to fully enjoy and love my one and only.