Brave

What do you do when you're life is a complete mess? Do you bow out and give up? Do you completely change your environment? Do you chip away at the issues, little by little? Well, what if no matter how much you try to make things better, there's always something in the way? Something or someone who holds you back? I'm sure the normal response would be to just remove that thing or person from your life, right? Remove the negativity, start fresh. Only then can you move forward. But what do you do, when that person, is your spouse?

Addiction comes in many forms. You can be addicted to the internet. You can be addicted to porn. You can be addicted to food, alcohol, shopping, gambling, drugs, or even your work. Pretty much, anything can become an addiction. Now, even though I've had my fair share of low points I can proudly say that I buried them a long time ago. I wanted to be better, to live better, and to put my family above all else. This meant that I had to let things go. I ended up dropping my bad habits from one day to the next the moment I found out I was pregnant and I never looked back. It was the best decision I would ever make at that point in my life.

My husband on the other hand...did not. I know things could be worse. I know he could still be addicted to certain other things. We could still be there in that nightmare. I know how hard he worked and fought to get to where he is now. But even though his most recent addiction wasn't illegal it was still just as damaging. The dependence was just as real. The withdraws were just as awful. The actions were just as hurtful. And this was our life 24/7. Some days were great, and others were miserable. Some days...I went to bed thinking "THIS is why I stay. That man out there, can still be the great man I married five years ago. I know because I saw him today." But on the bad days I would sit there crying, asking myself "What the fuck are you still doing here?"     

The honest answer would be that I had no clue. Instead I could tell you that I love him. I could tell you that he's my best friend. I could tell you that he's a great father. He is so wonderful to our daughter, and she is the reason why he fought so hard to just get to where he was at. And I could also tell you that my heart hurts so bad at just the thought of not having him in my life anymore. Of there not being an us anymore. But I could also tell you that I wasn't able to get ahead because of him. I did a lot of things on my own, because of him. I was constantly on a budget because of him. I had to pick and choose what bills we could afford to pay or what to buy, and at what times...because of him. I didn't take lunch breaks at work, because of him. Money quickly disappeared. And as his tolerance grew, so did his need for it. And let me tell you, this shit is not cheap. I could also tell you that I was responsible for everything, because I didn't have anyone to lean on to lighten the load. When I was paid on Monday and it was practically gone by Tuesday, it was up to me to figure out how to make ends meet for the rest of the week. When a problem popped up it was up to me to figure out how to fix it. And, I won't lie, sometimes I felt like a single mother of two. Because all of the responsibilities fell on me. Everything was left to ME.

Someone once asked: "Well, what kind of marriage is that? Why don't you file for divorce and be done with it?" Another friend commended me for "standing by my man". I have spent many runs, and many nights in bed thinking about what needs to be done. What can I do, to help? What can I do, to get this out of our lives? What can I do? The answer ended up being: nothing. I can't do anything. He needed to be the one to do it. He needed to be the one to want it. He is a full grown man, that was very much aware of his actions. And their repercussions. He knew exactly what this family gave up in order to keep up his habit. He knew what we suffered in order for him to get what he wanted. So, ultimately I was left with two choices: Leave or stay.

Now when I stood up at the alter, and took my vows there was no: "Until things get rough then I'm going to bail." or "Until I feel like we just don't fit anymore." Those were not the vows we took. We said:

"to have and to hold from this day forward, for better or for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health, to love and to cherish; from this day forward until death do us part"

That's what we promised. Before our families, friends, and God. It's not something I took lightly. It's not something that I believe should be disregarded. Marriage is not always going to be easy. But divorce should not be the "go to" option. Even for some of the happiest couples out there, struggles come up. But then I also wondered when would enough...be enough? When did you say..."Okay, I gave it my all and still nothing has changed." When do you decide to throw in the towel because the good times are so few and far between? When? I kept telling myself that I'd just know. There would come a time when either things start to get better, or they'd begin to get worse. And if they did start to crumble then there would be a time, when in my heart, I'd feel it. I'd know that it was time to let go. 

I know that our relationship is not well. I know that we are messed up in ways that may or may not be able to be fixed. But I also know that people grow at different rates. I know that despite what others say, people can change. I'm living proof of that. So, as I sat there contemplating my options I realized I wasn't ready to give up. I just heard many sighs and a few eye rolls. Believe me, choosing to stay was hard for me. It would have been so easy to turn my back, and move forward. I have been put through hell by the one person who was supposed to lift me up. I was abandoned by the one person who was suppose to be there for me. So, yes, choosing to stay with my husband sometimes made me feel like I was weak. Like I was one of those women that claimed she "needed a man" to survive. I often worried that I was not practicing what I preached. And worse, that I was setting an awful example for my daughter about relationships.

But then I realized that I didn't need my husband to survive. I have a great job, I have a home, and I'm currently working on my degree. I have a wonderful family that supports my decisions and they would gladly help me if I needed it. I am fully capable of supporting myself and my daughter. So no, I was not one of those women. Instead I was choosing to not give up on my husband. I was choosing to be there for when he needed it. I was choosing to have faith that we would get passed this. That we'd be able to move forward together. But if we didn't, then at least I knew I did everything in my power to try. I didn't walk away because things were hard. I fought until I couldn't anymore and was forced to bow out with whatever dignity was left. And that, to me, is pretty brave.

Today marks two full weeks of sobriety for my husband. Two weeks ago he came to me with a plea for help. For patience, and for understanding. He confessed what he wanted for himself, for us, and for our family. He asked for me to stay by his side, and give him another chance to do right by us. Hesitantly, I accepted. Not wanting to be fooled by pretty words I voiced my concerns and doubts. Surprisingly, he accepted them well and in turn vowed to prove me wrong. Since then, the withdraws have finally started to subside. Our outlooks have turned towards a new direction. And even though two weeks is still such a short time, and we are by no means "passed" the worst, I'm confident that what ever comes next will be handled with clear minds, and clear hearts. And for that, I am truly thankful.