A Birthday, Lent, & Life

Last month, my little celebrated her birthday. Sadly, we didn’t get to celebrate the way we had hoped. Instead, the day before we had cake at my parent's house. Then, instead of having a birthday party later in the month, she opted for dinner at her favorite restaurant with three of her friends when the weather got better. And an online “shopping spree”. She received her last package yesterday. I won’t get into all of the feelings that I had on her birthday. Or even the days after it. But one afternoon as we were sitting on the couch by the fireplace she threw her arms around my neck, and said “I love you, mom.” Then she kissed my cheek and went right back to what she was doing. I sat back and just watched her for a few moments. My little girl. Her long hair in this frizzy mess and those long limbs wrapped up in unicorn pajamas. There’s only a few little remnants of the little girl she once was left for me. The little girl that was attached to my hip. The one with the chubby baby cheeks. The bangs and silly “wiggles” dances. I blinked, y’all. And it makes me a little sad. But I’m also very excited to see her become her own person. I'm blessed to see her as she grows. 

Lent also began last month. However, due to the winter storm, we didn’t get a chance to receive the distribution of ashes. Then when we were finally able to go to church I had a math test set for the next day so I spent my entire Sunday evening studying. Because, y’all, your girl sucks at math. Like. REALLY sucks at it. But as I was leaving the library that night I was informed that our instructor pushed the test back to that Wednesday at the very last minute. Now, our church is right across the street from my school. And as I made my way to my car I felt a little tinge of sadness as I saw the stragglers walking out of our church doors. Ashes in the shape of a cross on their foreheads. Still, I NEEDED that study session. Desperately. And I hope Jesus understands. Anyway, I don't feel like Lent got off to a very strong start this year. My offering for this Lenten season was to give up ALL social media. Not just Facebook like I did last year. However, after two weeks it became very evident that I needed to find something else because Em’s school communicates everything through Facebook. I missed two meetings because of this, so I decided to switch it up. My new Lent offering is to speak nice things about myself. Positive, good things. I tend to go immediately to the negative and that really needs to stop. So, I'm going to give this a good try. And as I sit here typing it out, I wish I could do more or maybe throw in a fast too. But at the same time...no, I don’t. I think I’m offering as much as I can right now. Plus, I journal for our Sunday readings - even if I don’t get to attend mass. And I’m doing a book study, following along with the ladies of Abiding Together, with my sisters. So yea, my plate is seriously overflowing at the moment.

Our home life and school life have been pretty chaotic lately. We finally got our pipes fixed and our water running last week. But there was some damage to an interior wall in one of the bathrooms so that had to come down. Midterms are coming up in three weeks so I have to cram for them starting this weekend. Spring Break is next week for the kids. And we now have to start thinking about the massive house project coming up at the end of April. Other than that, things are going well around here. I have a few things that have come up, roadblocks if you will, that I’m not entirely sure how I’ll be able to get past. Some future plans that I had envisioned are feeling a little unrealistic now. I’ve also got a little conflict brewing in my heart. But it’s nothing that some careful thought and prayer can’t help. So, that’s what I’m trying to do for now. Focus on the things I need to focus on. Pray about the rest. Anyway, I hope everyone had a wonderful February! Hang in there my fellow Texans - especially those still dealing with the aftermath of the winter storm. And here’s to a new month! Until the next post, stay safe. ❄

The Night Before Lent

I'm feeling some type of way tonight. Like everything is moving really fast, but also, not fast enough. I'm having to tell myself, more often than not, to slow down. Enjoy where life is currently taking me. Be present in the now. Don't rush this, you're fine. But as I sit here I'm also thinking about ten other different things going on, my leg won't stop bouncing, and I'm feeling slightly claustrophobic. I'm worried about the sacrifices that tomorrow will bring and whether I'll have the discipline to follow through with everything I feel is being asked of me. If I'll be strong enough to get through this Lent season. 

This year, for Lent, I decided to give up Facebook again. Last year, I deactivated my account and there was so much peace felt during that time. It's amazing what a "social media" break can actually do for you. Even when you're not on there very often, it can still feel like an addiction of sorts. Or a time suck. And this year, I'm craving that peace again. However, on top of that, I'll also be doing an elimination diet. A slightly altered, Autoimmune Protocol Diet. I've been having issues with my weight again, and just the way my body feels in general. So bloated and stretched beyond capacity. I want to dedicate this Lent to trying my best to fix the issues in a more natural way. I want to hand all of this over to God because I'm just so tired of the health issues. I'm tired of the yo-yo weight problems. I'm tired of feeling tired. And this is my year of healing. So, I'm handing it over to Him. But y'all, these next two weeks are going to be hell. Cutting out coffee alone will probably send me into withdrawals. So, I'm not looking forward to it, even though I know it's necessary. 

I've also picked back up on my therapy sessions. I had a nice "catch up" session with my therapist last week, and there was a lot of new information that we had to navigate through. I swear, his pen didn't stop moving that entire hour. What I realized though, was how uncomfortable I felt sitting there. Fidgety. But not in a negative way. More of a "Uggh, he's hitting some nerves and I don't like it," kind of way. This means that it was definitely time to sit my passive-aggressive, reality avoiding, anxiety-prone ass back on that couch. It was time for me to start letting all of what I had bottled up inside of me, finally come out. It wasn't until that session, as I sat there clinging to the pillow in my lap and counting each time *Watson tapped his pen on the pad, that I realized just how much I had slipped back into some old habits without even realizing it. And that's not the direction that I want to go. Backward is not an option. So, if I want to take a really good look inward, this is where I need to start. This is where my healing begins.   

*the nickname my sister-in-law uses when talking about my therapist.