School, Again?

I need to get my stuff together. Today, I woke up and I looked around. Just sat there and took everything in. I couldn’t help but feel like a bit of a failure. Emery was there sleeping peacefully, but so many things flashed through my head. About her future. About our family's future.

I’ve dabbled in trying to get back into school or doing continuing education courses before. But I have no idea what I want to do! I don’t know if I could handle being a nurse, or radiologist. Do I want to be a teacher or a business major? I mean seriously, I have no clue what I would find fulfilling! That’s a lot of money that would be wasted if I didn’t stick with whatever it is that I chose. I don’t want to do that. I want to be certain and to get something out of it. Time is so not on my side either! I’ve tried to make time to study before, but it is sooooo hard! I’m a mom, wife, and work full time. Where the hell do I find time to study, go to school, and get all of my other “normal” stuff done? How do other people do it?? Oh, and anything I chose to do, would have to be mostly online because I don’t have the money to be traveling back and forth. So does that limit me on what I can or can not get a degree in? Uggh!! So many QUESTIONS!!

Then, I have a problem with my diploma. It isn’t really valid because of who we went through. I mean, it is valid, I did graduate, but I was homeschooled. And some college don’t accept it unless it was through a credited program. And most kids that are homeschooled end up taking the SAT, ACT, or TAAKS test so that’s how they are able to get into colleges. I never took any of those. I high tailed it out of Texas to go experience “life”. So there are so many circles you have to jump through, it’s ridiculous. But if you don’t have any of those tests taken, you can try going through getting a GED. Which means my diploma would mean nothing, and I’d have to start all over. And I really don’t want that.

But today, when I woke up and looked around. All I saw was us being confined to two rooms. No money to fix up what we needed. Floors halfway finished. No hot water, or working shower and toilet. And I looked at my daughter and couldn’t help but feel ashamed. This is not the life I want for us. I don’t want to be “barely getting by” all of the time. I want to be able to have a job no matter what state the economy is in, and I don’t want to be held back because all I have is a high school education. I want an actual home. I want to be able to fix things when they get broken, not steadily have to save to fix one thing at a time. I want a good sized income. I want to be able to take a vacation! I love my parents and I am so very grateful to them for helping us and for letting us stay in the house next door. It’s a roof over our heads after all. But I don’t want to rely on them forever. I don’t want to always use them as a fallback plan. They don’t deserve that, and my family doesn’t deserve that.

So now, I need to figure out how to get started. There is a really good community college about an hour away, but I work Mon.-Friday 8-5 and they don’t stay open past 4 pm. They don't hold appointments on the weekends either. Right now, I only take days off if Em is really sick because I have no paid vacation of sick days. And trust me, I take a hit if I miss a day. I wish there was someone I could talk to that could just help me! Point me in the right direction, tell me what my steps need to be. Because I have no clue. I don’t know where to get started, and even though I have friends who are going to college, most of them are not in my situation. They’ve taken the tests and so they don’t have to jump through so many hoops.

I’m completely lost. Anyone out there have any advice? I could really, really use some right about now. I know that going back to school is what I need to do. I know that this is the only way I will get anywhere in life really. Especially since I have no other talents or aspiration to own my own company one day. So, now I just have to get there. But that is so much easier said than done.