Scariest Moment

Emery choked on a bit of apple peel yesterday. It was the most terrifying moment in my life (along with that one time my husband came home with a bloody face). I am so thankful for my husband being there because I froze.

My husband was taking bites of the apple and letting her take bites of the inside. I guess during one of those bites, she took a bit of the unpeeled part. She started wheezing and then making these choking sounds. My husband patted her on her back several times and then he stuck his finger in her mouth and was able to get a piece of it out. She threw up immediately after he took his finger out. We thought that she was fine after that and we sat her down. A few seconds later, she started turning blue in the face and choking again. So, we went through the process all over again, except this time she threw up some more and with it came up some blood. She started shaking and sobbing. I ran next door with her in my arms because I needed someone else to look at her and tell us she was breathing ok. My husband thought there was something else wrong because she was still shaking. But she was actually ok, just scared. We calmed her down, gave her a bath, and changed her. I looked down and realized I was covered in her vomit still.

I felt totally hopeless in those moments. So exhausted, and so scared afterward. I had no idea if we were going to have to call 911, and I have yet to take a CPR class so I felt like I was bound, and tied. Unable to help my baby when she needed me. She kept reaching out to me too. I never want to feel like that again. I never want to feel like I could lose her in a matter of minutes. It was so awful, and after we got her in bed, I kept checking on her. Making sure she was still breathing. Making sure she wasn’t having trouble. She cried a lot in her sleep last night, and I felt so awful. She kept waking up and reaching for me. Once she found me or my husband, she’d fall back to sleep almost instantly. She woke up this morning all smiles.

After this incident, I feel so dumb for feeling like these past few days are just so doom and gloom. I understand that mistakes were made, but we can’t dwell on that or focus so much energy on it when everything could be gone in a second. It makes other things seem so petty and unimportant. My baby girl is my life and to feel like I could have lost her yesterday has left me pretty shaken up.

Terrified.